Digimon Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction ❯ Digimon: Whose Line is it, Anyway? ❯ Matt Glompers! ( Chapter 1 )

"Digimon: Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

Announcer: Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway? On tonight's show, "I wanna screw Matt" …Jun motomiya! "I wanna screw Matt" …Chase harlem! "I wanna screw Matt" …Jennifer Takenouchi! And, "Get me the Hell out of here" …Matt ishida!

Squall: And I'm your host, Squall Berea! C'mon down, let's have some fun! [Squall runs over and sits down at his desk] Hi and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" The show where everything's made-up and the points don't matter. Yup! The points are just like all the other Poké-balls after you do the Missingno. Trick on the Master ball… they just don't matter. If you've never seen the show before what we do is have these four fantastic performers come down and make-up everything right off the top of their heads. Yup! All with the help of suggestion from these cards [Taps the cards he's holding in his hand against the desk] and suggestions from the studio audience. Then I give them points that don't mean a thing and at the end we pick a fake-y winner who gets to do a little something special with me… and the losers get to do something special with Matt.

[Matt looks worried as he sees the girls close their eyes, cross their fingers and quietly begin chanting, "Please let me be the loser! Please let me be the loser!"]

Squall: Now I think we'll begin the fic with a game called… "Let's Make a Date!" this is for all four contestants.

[The four of them come down and sit on stools]

Squall: Umm, Matt! You're on a dating type game show and you haveta choose between these three girls.

[The girls make kiss-y faces at him as he nervously loosens his collar]

Squall: The only problem is that the girls have been allocated a strange quirk or personality and the object of the game is to guess what it is. Ready?

Matt: Sure!

Squall: Good! So… begin.

Matt: Okay. Bachelor-et number one, umm… [Notices that she is breathing hard] are you all right?

Jun: [Giving birth] You should know! You did this to me, you lousy bastard! AAAAHH!!!

Matt: Umm, okay. Bachelor-et number two-

Chase: [Tai] Hey, oh self-proclaimed-cool-one!

Matt: "Hey" yourself! Now, where'd you like to go for dinner?

Chase: Anywhere my mom isn't cookin'!

Matt: I'll second that! Bachelor-et number three, where would we go out on a date?

Jennifer: [Sephiroth from Final Fantasy VII] I'd probably take you to Nibelheim. We'd could go there and… "paint" the town red, so to speak. HA-HA-HA!!

Matt: Why not? That sounds like fun. Now, back to bachelor-et number one. Do y' like to go clubbing?

Jun: [Pantomiming holding a baby] I ain't going out for a while and neither are you!

Matt: Sorry, but I'm too young to be tied down.

Chase: [Looks up] Someone call me?

Jun: [Whispering to Chase] He said, "tied."

Chase: Oh!

Matt: Bachelor-et number two, what kind of music do you like?

Chase: Eighties hair bands, what else?

Matt: Riiiiiiight! Umm, bachelor-et number three, same question.

Jennifer: I enjoy my choir. As well as the wretched death screams of my victims!

Matt: Aren't you a sassy one! Bachelor-et number one, whaddaya like in a man?

Jun: [Playing with the imaginary baby] A vasectomy!

Matt: [Visibly shaken] Umm… Yeah! Hey, bachelor-et number two: favorite sport?

Chase: Soccer!

Matt: Gee! Considering the series I come from that could be just about anyone. Bachelor-et number three, umm… how're you in bed?

Jennifer: Well, let's just say I have a really long sword! And when I get The Black Materia I'll rock your world… literally!

Matt: [O.O] Excuse me!?! **buzz** **buzz**

Squall: Hey, Matt! Any idea who your dates are?

Matt: Well, Jun thinks I'm the guy who knocked her up.

Squall: Close enough! She was giving birth!

Matt: Umm, I'm pretty sure Chase is Tai, which just makes her that much more repulsive.

[Chase looks shocked then she stares angrily at Matt]

Squall: Correct!

Matt: And as for Jenn, she's some kind of super villain.

Squall: Uh, more specific.

Jennifer: You are a puppet! You have no feelings! [Pointing at Squall] This dork will return to the planet!

Squall: [Annoyed] Hey!

Matt: Oh! She's Sephiroth!

Squall: That's right!

[The four contestants sit back at their seats]

Squall: That was great! A thousand points to everyone except Jennifer. Maybe next time you won't call me a dork.

Jennifer: Maybe next time you'll actually look at my face when you talk to me!

Squall: Touché. Umm, next game will be… "Song Style!" This is for Matt with the help of Seph on the piano!

[Matt comes down and stands near a stool while Seph stands briefly from his piano and takes a bow]

Squall: And… I need someone from the studio audience.

Audience member (AM): Ooooo! Pick me! Pick me!

Squall: Okay! C'mon down!

[The audience member comes down and hops onto the stool]

Squall: Now, tell us your name and a little about yourself.

AM: I'm Kawiimon, I like Hamtaro and I'm in love with Cunomon!

Squall: Okie-dokie! Matt, meet Kawiimon. She's adorable, she likes Hamtaro and she's in love with Cunomon.

[Matt takes her paw and shakes "hands" with her]

Squall: And Matt, I want you to sing her a song in the style of… American Hi-Fi! So… take it away!

[Seph begins to play the theme from "Flavor of The Weak"]

Matt: [Singing] She paints her nails,

And she don't know

She's a ditzy blond who goes

To Lexxy's house

To see Cuno

You know that my song sure does blow!

And she's got posters on the wall

Of cutesy toons like Hamtaro

……… [Kind of fast] And I can't think of anything else that rimes with "oh!"

She's Kawii!

She's cutesy!

She don't know anything

About anything!

She's too blond!

So, so long!

Maybe then she'll see that she's a ditz!

While I stay at the Ritz!

[Looks at Squall] While Squall's discreetly popping zits! **buzz** **buzz**

Kawiimon: Wow! That was a great song, Matt! [Jumps over and hugs his leg]

Matt: [Disturbed] Umm… your welcome… [Whispering to Chase] Umm, she's just hugging me, right?

[Kawiimon let's go of Matt's leg and returns to her seat]

Squall: Apparently we have a couple of themes going tonight… annoy me, and glomp Matt. Now, before anyone can continue them, let's move on to a game called… "Scenes From a Hat!" This is for all four contestants.

[The four of them step down to the floor]

Squall: [Takes off his baseball cap and places it on the desk in front of him] The way the game works is that we had the studio audience write down suggestion for scenes on pieces of paper and then we put them in this hat that I have been wearing this entire time… next time somebody tell me the suggestions are in this hat before I put it on! Anyway, we take the good ones and put them in this hat then I draw them one by one and our performers act them out and I'll buzz them when I get the idea. [Reaches into the hat and draws a suggestion] Let's start with… "Things you shouldn't say on a first date."

Jun: Is that a zit? **BUZZ**

Jennifer: Put the mouse back in the house! **BUZZ**

Matt: Hi! The name's Tai Kamiya! **BUZZ**

Squall: [Laughs] Ha! Umm, "Lame Digimon attacks."

Matt: Staring Contest! **BUZZ**

Jennifer: [Pointing at her chest] Distracting Anatomy! **BUZZ**

Matt: [Turning around and bending over] Distracting Anatomy! **BUZZ**

Squall: I said, "Lame attacks!"

Chase: [Holding Jun in front of her] Jun attack!

Matt: AH!! **BUZZ**

Squall: [Snickering] Oh! …Uh, "What Squall is thinking while sitting behind the desk."

Jennifer: If only I had pants on I could stand up. **BUZZ**

Matt: Is the snack bar still open? **BUZZ**

Jun: Jun's kindda hot. **BUZZ** **BUZZ** **BUZZ** **BUZZ** **BUZZ** **BUZZ** **BUZZ** **BUZZ** **BUZZ** **BUZZ** **BUZZ**

Seph: Well, y' know, Squall, you have admitted to thinking so.

Squall: [Annoyed] Shut up and play songs! [Blushes] Before this gets anymore mortifying let's finish with… "Games no one wants to play."

Matt: It's "Find the smell!" **BUZZ**

Jennifer: Digimon World on PlayStation™. **BUZZ**

Chase: "Whose Line is it Anyway?" the home game! **BUZZ** With your choice of inflatable Clive Anderson, **BUZZ** Drew Carey, **BUZZ** or "buzz before it's funny" Squall Berea, dolls! **BUZZ** **BUZZ**

[The performers sit back in their chairs]

Squall: That's quite enough! A million points to Jennifer for that "Distracting Anatomy" attack!

Matt: What about me?

Squall: What about you! I don't swing that way, Matt.

Matt: [Perturbed] I didn't mean it like that!

Squall: Whatever! Let's go to a game called… "Film, TV and Theater Styles." This is for Jun and Jennifer.

[Jun and Jennifer stand and walk don to the floor]

Squall: And what they haveta do is act out a scene in the film, TV, and theater styles suggested by the studio audience. So, c'mon, people! I need some styles!

AM: Porn!

Squall: Always porn, of course.

AM: Silent Hill!

AM: Game show!

AM: Final Fantasy VII!

AM: Pokémon!

AM: Sci-fi!

AM: Yuugi-oh!

Squall: Okay, okay, I think that's enough. Thank you, audience!

AM: Horror!

AM: Porn!

Squall: I said enough!!! All right, thanks. Your scene is… you're two groupies at one of Matt's concerts. So, start like normal and I'll buzz in with the different styles in just a minute.

Jennifer: Great seats, huh?

Jun: [Pretending to wave glow wands in the air] Wooooooooo!!!! I love you, man!!! [Pretends to lift her shirt at the band] **BUZZ**

Squall: [Covering his eyes] Ugh! I'm blind now, thank you! Uh… Silent Hill.

Jennifer: [Looks at Jun's chest] Mary?

Jun: Hey! What happened to the band? They just sound like radio static now.

Jennifer: I'll go find out. [Runs around like she has something large and uncomfortable stuck up her butt] Oh! It turns out Block Head is in the third row.

Jun: Who's that?

Jennifer: He's Pyramid Head's retarded cousin. [Looks up] And here he comes right now.

Jun: Hey, have you seen a little girl? Short, black hair… **BUZZ**

Squall: Pokémon.

Jun: I've been trying to catch her!

Jennifer: Don't forget, you still own me for my bike!

Jun: I'll shove that bike up your ass if you don't help me capture this guy! **BUZZ**

Squall: Game Show.

Jun: And what is the best way to do it?

Jennifer: [Pretends to hit a buzzer] To give up and run like Hell?

Jun: Correct! Now, where should we run?

Jennifer: Oh geez, uh… anywhere but here?

Jun: Right! And what should we do to get away?

Jennifer: Umm, uh, oh geez! **BUZZ**

Squall: Final Fantasy VII.

Jennifer: I'll use Exit Materia! [Holding her arm up in the air] Escape!

Jun: Sorry, not enough MP.

Jennifer: Damn it!

Jun: Wait! The power of the bishounens… this place is a treasure-trove of cute butts!

Jennifer: Quick! Put this on! [Pretends to hand Jun something]

Jun: Is it time for me to cross dress already? **BUZZ**

Squall: Yuugi-oh.

Jun: I can't duel in this! I haveta save my grandpa! Jun-gi-oh! [Pretends like she's transforming]

Jennifer: That's it, that's your transformation? You get a little taller and your voice changes, so what!? You're still a smuck!

Jun: [In her best Yuugi-oh impression] Just for that I'll use the Cyber Commando! **BUZZ**

Squall: Finally… Sci-fi.

Jennifer: AAAHH!! It's the Terminator!

Jun: I thought it was the Cyber Commando?

Jennifer: That was a style ago! Get with it!

Jun: Matt! Come with me if you want to live!

Jennifer: No, come with me if you want to live!

[The girls start slap fighting] **BUZZ** **BUZZ** [Jennifer and Jun sit back in their seats]

Squall: Wonderful! Wonderful! A thousand points to everyone who lost eyesight from seeing Jun lift her shirt.

[Jun glares at Squall]

Squall: Let's move on to a game called… "Press Conference!" This is for all four of you.

[Everyone steps down. Chase walks up to the Podium while the rest of them sit down on the stools in front of it]

Squall: The way the game works is that Chase is being interviewed about something but she doesn't know what it is. And she has t' guess based on the questions everyone else asks her. Go ahead and start.

Chase: [Has just given birth to a Pokémon] Hey, everyone! Welcome!

Jennifer: [Raises her hand and Chase calls on her] Yes, Jennifer from "The Foxes' Tribune!" Umm, how long did it take?

Chase: Fifty-three friggin' hours! Next.

Jun: [Raises her hand and Chase calls on her] Yes, Jun of "Matt Stalkers Anatomist"! Hey, how's your partner doing, any trouble with his ball?

Chase: [Taken aback] Umm… yes… his ball is fine… and so's the other one... umm, next?

Matt: [Raises his hand and Chase calls on her] Hi, Matt "Too cool for the room." Uh, what do you say to those who think this is a crime against nature?

Chase: I say I think the world is better with Squall around.

[Squall stifles his own laughter]

Jun: Is this how you're going to get the other two hundred and fifty?

Chase: [Gasps] What kind of woman do you take me for??

Matt: After what you must have done to do this, do you really want an answer to that?

Chase: Umm… next!!!

Matt: Did it hurt at all?

Chase: Not really. It just kindda slid right out.

Jennifer: Will you be getting a nanny, or a nurse Joy?

Chase: Uh… I'll get back to you on that. **BUZZ** **BUZZ**

Squall: Any idea what you did?

Chase: Umm… a Pokémon?

Squall: Uh, more specific.

Jennifer: It must have been quite a… labor.

Chase: Oh! I gave birth to a Pokémon!

Squall: Right!

[Everyone goes back to their seats]

Squall: Beautiful! A thousand points to Satoshi Tajiri so he doesn't sue us. Let's go over to a game called… "Super Heroes!" Again, this is for all of you.

[Everyone stands up. Matt, Jennifer and Chase go off to the side leaving Jun alone in center stage]

Squall: Jun, you'll start as an unlikely super hero while each person will come in and successively names the next. People, I need an unlikely super hero for Jun to be.

AM: The Jun Beast!

AM: Whore-on-weed Girl!

Squall: Clair? Meg?

AM: PMS Girl!

Jun: Oh no!

Squall: Sorry, Jun, I just can't pass that one up. Now we need a world crisis for PMS Girl to deal with.

AM: Everyone's underwear is too tight!

Squall: Okay, PMS Girl. Everyone in the world's underwear is too tight, so… take it away!

Jun: AH! [Holds her side] Damn these cramps! I just feel so ugly! I need cookies! [Pretends to munch on cookies] And that's going straight to my thighs… I guess I haveta turn on the world crisis monitor. [Pretends to turn on a TV] The world's underwear is too tight? I thought I was just bloated.

Jennifer: [Jumps in] Sorry I'm late, but I wasn't early!

Jun: [Angry] Watch it, you tart! [Suddenly sad] Oh, I'm sorry I yelled at you… Delayed Reaction Girl.

Jennifer: I [thinks for a moment] …

Jun: Did you hear-?

Jennifer: Nice to see you too!

Jun: [Annoyed] What took you so long! [Regretful] Sorry… got a tampon?

Matt: [Jumps in] Sorry I'm late. I would've been here sooner but I slipped on a big red puddle

Jun: [Annoyed] What do you mean by that, blonde! [Sorrowful] Oh, why do I always hurt the ones I love…?

Matt: Well I-

Jennifer: Thank God you're here… Captain Hair Gel!

Matt: [Pretends to comb his hair] Hey, I was just in the neighborhood.

Jun: Everyone's underwear is too tight… and worse yet I think I have an infection!

Jennifer: Do you drop by this neighborhood often?

Matt: Huh?

Chase: [Jumps in] Hi guys! 'Would've been here sooner but I got stuck in a puddle of gel.

Matt: [Holding his hair] Watch the 'do… Thinks-she's-on-a-game-show Girl!

Chase: [Pretends to hit a buzzer] D! Richard Nixon!

Jun: Ooooohh!! What're we gonna do about this f#&%ing tight underwear problem!!!!!! [Low] It's kindda important.

Chase: Umm, can I use a lifeline?

Matt: Watch the yelling… my hair might fall.

Jennifer: Oh! Did you guys know that Thinks-she's-on-a-game-show Girl is here? [Jun hit's her then suddenly feels bad for doing it but Jenn doesn't seem to notice it]

Matt: [Pretending to look in a pocket mirror] And they call me blond.

Chase: Matt! I'd like to buy a vowel!

Jennifer: [Suddenly hits her] Ow! That hurt!

Jun: Huh?

Chase: You are the weakest link… goodbye!

Jennifer: Huh? Something was said… not good… [Thinking]

Matt: [Brushing bangs off his face] C'mon, guys! We gotta solve this "tight underwear" problem… and then get Jun to the drugstore and get her on the pill.

Jun: I'd go myself but my ankles are swollen.

Chase: [On "Jeopardy"] What is… everyone should switch to boxers?

Jun: And I should switch to the ones with the wings!

Jennifer: Hey! Did she insult me a minute ago?

Matt: That's a good idea, Chase! [Runs a hand through his hair] My beautiful locks must be an inspiration to you. I must share it with others! [Leaves]

Jun: He's so hot… why'd he haveta visit me when I was feeling "not so fresh?"

Chase: I'm going to go collect my parting gifts now. [Leaves]

Jun: Now that that crisis has been solved and now that I'm on the pill I guess we can all go home.

Jennifer: Hey! Switching to boxers is a good idea!

Jun: Are you still here? [Peeved] Get the Hell out of here!!!!

[They stand around for a few moments]

Jennifer: ……… Oh! You want me to leave? Okay. **BUZZ** **BUZZ**

Squall: [Chuckling] Captain Hair Gel… who wouldda thought the world famous Captain Hair Gel was really mild mannered Matt Ishida? Oh! Um, a thousand points to Matt for being himself in that skit. Now let's go to… "Three Headed Broadway Star!" [Slyly] This one's for the ladies.

[The girls step down to the floor and stand close together with their arms linked behind each other's backs]

Squall: The way the game works is Jun, Jenn and Chase are some kindda weird mutant three headed Broadway star and they're gonna make up a song one word at a time. First we need a play.

AM: Tai!

Squall: [Confused] Oooookaaaaaayy… sure! Anyway, so what's the hit love song from the Broadway play "Tai"?

AM: Please Touch My Hair!

Squall: [Confused] Umm… yeah! Okay… I want you to sing "Please Touch My Hair" from the hit Broadway play "Tai" with the help of Seph on the piano!

[Seph waves to the crowd]

Squall: So, begin whenever you're ready.

[Seph plays some slow music]

Jennifer: Oh!

Jun: Won't…

Chase: You…

Jennifer: Touch…

Jun: My…

Chase: Hair?

Jennifer: Doesn't…

Jun: It…

Chase: Feel…

Jennifer: Soft?

Jun: And…

Chase: It…

Jennifer: Gives…

Jun: You…

Chase: Cancer! [Giggles]

Jennifer: It…

Jun: Makes…

Chase: My…

Jennifer: Goggles…

Jun: Horny!

[Everyone Stifles laughter]

Chase: Won't…

Jennifer: You…

Jun: Touch…

Chase: My…

All: Hair!! **BUZZ** **BUZZ**

Squall: That was wonderful, girls. And don't you go away 'cause we'll be back with more Whose Line right after this!

[Commercial Break]

Izzy: In a city with no heroes… I am the last hope. I must defend the city and it's people. Don't believe me? You will... Who am I?

[Flash to a scene of Lexxy with red hair posing as Izzy with thick glasses tries to take a picture of her but is suddenly bitten by a radioactive Tentomon]

Izzy: I… am Spiderman!

Squall and Seph: [Playing guitars while images of Izzy in a Spiderman costume swinging around on webbing flash in the background] And they say

That a hero could save us!

I'm not gonna stand here and wait!

I'll hold onto the wings of the eagles,

Watch as we all fly away!

[Scenes of Izzy fighting The Green Goblin flash as Squall and Seph continue]

And they're watching us! (Watching us)

They're watching us! (Watching us)

As we all fly away!

And they're watching us! (Watching us)

They're watching us! (Watching us)

As well all fly away!

And they're watching us! (Watching us)

They're watching us! (Watching us)

As we all fly away!

Whoooooooooaaa-Oooooooooohh!!

Izzy: It is my gift… it is my curse… it is my testicle? Well anyway… I am Spiderman!

Announcer: Koushirou Izumi IS… Spiderman II: The Wrath of Jamison!! [Quickly] This film is not yet rated!

Izzy: Toby Maguire… eat your heart out!

[End Commercial Break]

[Jennifer is sitting at Squall's desk while everyone else is standing in a line, from left to right, Matt, Squall, Chase and Jun]

Squall: Welcome back, folks! And if you've been keeping track of the points… then I pity you. Anyway, Jennifer's our big winner tonight!

[The crowd cheers as Jennifer waves and blows kisses]

Squall: So she gets to sit at my desk and be lazy while the rest of us are punished by performing everyone's favorite game, hoedown!

[The audience cheers]

Squall: So… what we need is some kind of vice or something as the topic.

The entire audience: HEANTAI!

Squall: [Sarcastically] Gee, I wonder if there're any hentai fans in the audience?

[The audience cheers and applauds]

Matt: [Condescendingly] We'll talk slower…

Squall: Anyway, it looks like we're doing the Hentai Hoedown with the help of Seph on the piano!

[Seph nods in acknowledgement]

Chase: Seph's motions have been steadily getting less and less expressive as the show goes on.

Squall: Whatever. Let's just get this over with. And remember, I'm trying to keep the rating on this fic down. With that in mind… take it away!

[Seph plays hoedown music]

Matt: [Singing] I have a friend named Izzy,

Who really likes hentai!

He has so much of it

He's a real perverted guy!

When he whips it out

It's fun for one and all!

But his collections not as big

As that of my friend Squall!

[Squall glares angrily at Matt]

Matt: I'm just kidding, dude!

Squall: You're in for it now, buddy.

[Singing] Have you seen this hentai?

It's allover the 'net!

Whoever draws it,

Must really like it, I'll bet!

I even saw a few pics

Staring Jeri Katou!

But not as many as gay pics

Staring Yamato!

[Matt laughs in spite of himself]

Chase: [Singing] I just don't get this hentai,

I don't get it one bit!

It really disgusts me,

It's a piece of $#!+

But the guys like,

It makes them all cheer.

Especially pictures of

Teen queen, Britney Spears!

[Squall high-fives Chase and they do a quick square dance]

Jun: [Singing] I do not like this hentai,

I really think it's sick

A bunch of horny guys

Beating off their sticks!

I do not like this hentai

……… [Kindda fast] Oh, who am I kidding, anyway?

I really do like hentai!

Especially the stuff that's gay!

All: [Singing] Especially the stuff that's gay!!

[The audience cheers as Squall attempts to talk over them]

Squall: Hey, thanks for reading, everyone! And Jenn, to close the fic I want you to read the disclaimer in the style of… Devilchu! Thus ensuring that we won't be able to slip by with a PG rating. Take it away, Jenn, and this is Squall Berea saying goodnight! Goodnight everybody!

Jennifer: I don't F$&%ing own none of this $#%+!! None of it! None of it at all! I don't own those douche bags or that dork with the long silver hair! I don't own Whose Line and Drew Carey can kiss my @$$ for all I care! I don't own it and I don't wanna F$&%ing own it! You can have it for all I care! Stupid, lousy, mother F$&%ing @$$ biting @%>#<%#%@^^>%$@#$~>#%<~@><$>#<$#$~#$~%#%@%~#%@#$ ~@#%~%@$%^><%@% Cunomon!!!!!!!!!

Squall: Umm… Whoa…!

***

The real disclaimer: I do not own, nor do I claim to own Digimon: Digital Monsters, or any characters and story lines there of. Nor do I own the characters of Chase Harlem (belonging to Rebecca Labertouche), Jennifer Takenouchi (belonging to Jennifer Morton) or Luis Sephiroth "Seph" Dintch (belonging to my step nephew). I do not own Whose Line Is It Anyway, or anything else I did not claim to own. All of the above belong to their respective trademark holders. All I own is the boy named Squall.

A/N: There goes my first attempt at a Whose Line, and like all of my comedy fics it went right down the crapper. But what did you think? Should I go on? Feed back, please! Good day.