Digimon Fan Fiction / Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ Something Insane This Way Comes ❯ Chapter 1

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Something Insane This Way Comes
“A new kind of Cool Max Zero Digimon Fanfic”
By Cool Max Zero
Disclaimer: “Digimon” and all related characters are owned by Toei Animation.
Foreword: HI! It's Cool Max Zero, back from the dead! Now, if you've read some of my other stuff lying around the Vault, you know all my other fics are angst-ridden, character studying, drama things. But if you know me in real life you know that I'm don't act like an angst-ridden, character-studying guy. For a fact I act pretty insane most of the time. I've been known to make obscure media references at the wrong time. So I decided to write a wild and crazy story for once. So here it is! Keep in mind this is CRAZY!! It's so crazy it had to be in capitals! Also keep in my that there is a lot of movie, music, and conspiracy references that some of you mere mortals may not understand, so if you don't' I suggest you go rent every movie in your local Blockbuster, then maybe you might have all the movies knowledge I do or…. NOT!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Location: A desert somewhere that doesn't really matter.
Time: 8:17 A.M.
Day: Still Sunday
You see T.K. and Matt standing in the middle of the desert wearing trench coats and sunglasses.
T.K.: Why are we here?
Matt: To dig up some treasure. So we can be rich, and I mean stupid rich.
T.K.: Stupid rich? What does that mean?
Matt: It means we'll be so rich, we'll be stupid.
T.K.: What?
Matt: Just shut up, okay? (The two walk forward)
T.K.: Treasure, uh? What kind of treasure?
Matt: The best kind.
T.K.: “The best kind?” You mean drugs? Cause I could really use some drugs? Ya' know? Some of the really good junk. Can you get me some drugs? Huh, huh? Cause I really need some drugs! (Starts crying) I'm hooked! I need some POT!!!
Matt: T.K.! You didn't tell me you had a drug problem! I mean I was going all the way into the city, when it was right in my own home.
A car drives up out of nowhere and hits Matt, sending him flying through the air. Sora sticks here head out of the window.
Sora: Did I hit something?
T.K.: Nothing important.
Sora: Good. (Walks out of the car)
T.K.: Hey, your kinda' hot in that outfit.
Sora: Oh, thanks!
T.K.: For a fact, I really like that outfit. I really show off your best parts. Did you know I had a dream about you? Yeah, we were all alone in a room then you crawled into my…
Sora: OKAY! That's enough! I don't need to hear this!
T.K.: I love you, Sora. I want you, I need you!
Sora: Okay, back off, man! You freak! Just stay away from me!
Matt: (Bandaged and brushed) Lay off my girl!
Tai: (Appears out of no wear) Your girl? I thought she was my girl!
Sora: What? You're all crazy! Every single one of you! You're all a bunch of freaks! AHH!! (Runs off)
Tai: Freak.
T.K.: What about the treasure?
Tai: Yeah, treasure's cool.
Matt: Follow me! (The three walk off)
The three walk around for a while, not finding anything. Then T.K. figures out that there in the middle of a desert and wearing TRENCH COATS! T.K. starts to sweat a lot.
T.K.: Hey, it's really hot in here.
Matt: Will you shut up about Sora!
Tai: Yeah, really T.K. Tone down the hormones.
T.K.: No, for real! It's hot in here as in (yelling) WHERE STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF A DESERT WEARING TRENCH COATS!!!!!
Matt: Yeah, so?
T.K.: (Has sweat pouring off of him) Then shouldn't you be really hot too?
Matt: What? T.K.! I can't believe you! One minute you're hitting on my girlfriend the next minute your hitting on me! You freak!
Tai: Yeah, get a girlfriend. (They both walk off)
T.K.: (Takes off his trench coat) Assholes.
Location: A raft in the middle of the ocean
Time: 8:34 A.M.
Day: A Sunday, none like most Sundays
Izzy, Joe, and Mimi are floating on a raft in the middle of the ocean. Izzy looks around and wonders just what the heck they are doing on a raft in the middle of the ocean.
Izzy: What the heck are we doing on a raft in the middle of the ocean?
Joe: Burning stuff. (Picks up a burning teddy bear out of no where)
Izzy: (Seriously confused) Burning…. Stuff?
Joe: Yeah! Burnin' stuff's cool! (Starts talking like a surfer dude for no reason) Surfs up, dude! Eh-yeah!
Izzy: (Still confused) What… The… Hell…?
Mimi: (Stands up upsetting the balance of the raft causing Joe to fall in the water) Joe! Stop acting like a freaking moron! (Grabs her head and shakes it a bit before pulling glasses out of her pocket and putting them on) You people are fools! FOOLS, I say!
Joe: (Drowning) I can't swim, dude!
Izzy: You people are acting serious weird.
Joe: (Can't seem to resurface) Dude! Help! Blub-blub-gruggle-gruggle
Mimi: Oh, Joe! Stop acting like a chimp. A CHIMP, I say!
Izzy: I think I figured out what's going on! You two have switched personalities!
Joe: (Dead)
Mimi: Where do you get off saying something so insane? INSANE, I say!
Izzy: (Rising an eyebrow) “Get off?”
Mimi: (Indigent grunt) You pervert! PERVERT, I say! (Slaps Izzy)
Izzy: Sorry, it was too easy.
Joe: (Still dead)
Izzy: (Sniffs the air) You smell something burning? (See's a small fire that was started by the teddy bear crawling up his leg)
Mimi: (Points to his leg) Your leg is on fire.
Izzy: AH! Fire! Put it out! (Dances around the raft catching the rest of the raft on fire)
Mimi: Perhaps you should jump in the ocean?
Izzy: Right! The ocean! (Jumps in the ocean and lands on Joe's corpse) AH! Dead body! Dead body!
Mimi: Oh, Izzy! You are acting like a child! A CHILD, I say!
Izzy: (Points to the sky) Hey, what's that?
Mimi: (Looks towards the sky) Hmmm…. They appear to be giant robots.
Izzy: Oh, okay. (Blinks three times) What?
A purple, red, and blue giant robot land in front of the raft sending the three flying through the waves and crashing into a near-by small island where Tom Hanks sits talking to a volleyball. Tom looks over and sees the robots.
Tom Hanks: Just sun stress, there aren't any giant robots here. (Laughs nervously and goes back to trying to make a fire)
Izzy looks up from the small crater him, Mimi, and Joe's corpse had made. He then sees a group of people crawling out of the robots. They are a young boy with black hair wearing a bizarre gray-ish outfit, a young girl with red hair in a bizarre red outfit, and a young girl with blue hair in a bizarre white outfit. So, the whole thing is pretty bizarre.
Boy: Oh, no. I must have done something wrong.
Redhead: Oh, what else is new! Since when don't you do something wrong?
Boy: (Thinks awhile) You know, I don't remember. Wow, Asuka! I really am useless!
Redhead: Shut up, Shinji.
Oh, no! Cool Max has made an anime crossover! Sweet mother of Moses! I mean, “Evangelion” and “Digimon?” Are you freaking stoned?! (The Narrator realizes he's rambling) Oh, anyway. Getting back to describing the scene. Shinji looks over and sees Izzy, Mimi, Joe's corpse, and Tom Hanks.
Shinji: Hey, look it's Tom Hanks!
Asuka: (Looks over at the island) You mean the dead guy.
Shinji: No! The guy with the beach ball.
Asuka: Oh, yeah! Tom Hanks! (Walks over to Mister Hanks and proceeds to kick the crap outta' him)
Tom Hank: (Starts to scream in pain) AHH!
Asuka: God! I can't believe I wasted ten dollars of my hard earned money on “You've Got Mail!” That movie sucked! Give me back those two hours of my life, asshole!
Tom Hank: (Been reduced to a bloody pulp) …….Ouch…….
Shinji: I thought you snuck into that movie.
Asuka: (Thinks a bit) Shouldn't you being skulking about something?
Shinji: Right. (Curls into the fetal position and starts skulking) I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away.
Asuka: That's more like it!
Izzy: Mind me asking, who are you people?
Asuka: No, I think the question is, who are you?
Izzy: Yeah, that is the question. That's what I asked you.
Asuka: Oh, right. Well, I'm Asuka. The lump of human cheese over there is Shinji. Then the blue-haired girl who hasn't had a line yet is Rei.
Rei: (In typical, creepy Rei fashion) Hello.
Mimi: (Starts to freak-out) AHH!!! (Runs off screaming, tripping over Joe's corpse)
Izzy: Okay, so what's with the giant robots?
Asuka: Oh, those are Evangelions.
Izzy: Eva-say-wha?
Asuka: You know, Evangelions. The machine made by NERV from the cells of Adam to protect Tokyo-3 from the Angels. Of course, that's what they want you to think. They're where really created to bring about Third Impact and cause the human race to fuses into one being.
Izzy: I am so confused.
Asuka: Don't worry, you're not the only one.
Location: A city somewhere near a desert
Time: 9:40 A.M.
Day: Sunday, bloody Sunday
In this city somewhere in this desert, there is a bank. In this bank in this city in this desert, Matt enters. There is a gun inside Matt's trench coat, which is inside this bank, which is inside this city, which is inside this desert. Tai and T.K., both sporting trench coats, enter the this bank which is… Well, you know. They both are counseling guns in their trench coat. T.K. then walks up to Matt and whispers to him.
T.K.: I thought you said that we had to dig up the treasure.
Matt: Uh, did I say that?
T.K.: Yeah, you said that.
Matt: Well, if you said I said that, then I must of said that, but I'm pretty sure that I didn't say that, but since you insist that I said that, and you are my brother, I believe I said that.
T.K.: (Thinks about what he just said) What?
Matt: Never mind.
Tai: (Walks up to Matt) So, you said that this treasure was buried.
Matt: Did I say that?
T.K.: Don't you start again.
Tai: But from the looks of things, it looks like you want us to rob this here bank. Is that the plan?
Matt: Who said that was the plan? I don't remember saying that was the plan! This is why you shouldn't jump to conclusion. That is not the plan.
T.K.: Then what is the plan?
Matt: You'll find out.
The group stands there for a while. Tai then begins to whistle “What A Day For A Daydream.” After a few minutes of whistling, Matt lets out an annoyed grunt and Tai stops. A few more minutes pass. Then T.K. blurts out…
T.K.: There is no plan, right?
Matt: Yep, that's the plan.
T.K.: That's what I thought.
Location: Same bat channel, same bat time… In other words, the island where we last left Izzy and the EVA polites.
Time: Does anybody really know what time it is?
Day: Sunday, Sunday…
Izzy, Shinji, and Asuka are wondering around on the beach. Joe is still dead, and Mimi is comatose.
Izzy: So how did you guys get here?
Shinji: Well, I think….
Asuka: (Cuts him off) Shinji, don't talk.
Shinji: But, I was just gonna'…
Asuka: No matter what you say, you're just gonna' leave a bad impression, so there's no point in even trying. (Shinji slumps his shoulders and starts to sulk again)
Izzy: You guys never did answer my question.
Rei: I believe I can answer your question.
Asuka: (Stands next to Izzy's shoulder and whispers to him) You don't want to listen to her, she's crazy.
Rei: (Ignoring Asuka) We where patrolling Tokyo-3 in our EVAs when a large black hole formed. We where then pulled into the hole and transported here.
Asuka: (Does the “circling-finger-right-next-to-her-head crazy signaling thing”)
Rei: It would even appear that the black holes other side is above us. (She points to the sky where a large black hole with the words “Plot device” written across it appears)
Izzy: (Looks at the black hole) Whoa, that's crazy.
Asuka: What I tell ya'?
A large cow falls out of the black hole and crushes Shinji.
Rei: Ikari has fallen.
Asuka: Gee, just like “The Far Side.”
Place: The bank, which is in the city, which is in the desert, which is in…
Time: Time to buy a new watch, HAHAHAHA!!!
Day: It's Sunday, shouldn't you be in church?
Matt, Tai, and T.K. are still standing in the bank. The sun is setting in the background.
Tai: Matt, we've been standing here all day.
Matt: I'm waiting for someone.
Tai: Who?
Matt: Someone who knows where the treasure is. Someone whose got the plan.
T.K.: I thought you said there was no plan.
Matt: I lied.
T.K.: You lied to your brother and your best friend.
Matt: Yeah, sure. I do it all the time. Like, remember that one time I said I bagged Sora? That was a lie. Or that time I said Mom and Dad said there was such a thing as werewolves. That was a lie.
T.K.: You mean werewolves aren't real and I've been living my whole life in fear?
Matt: Yep. (A large hairy dog-like creature springs out of no where and rips Tai to pieces) Nope, they simply don't exist.
Place: A freaking island!
Time: Why is this so important to you!
Day: I don't remember.
Izzy and the two remaining EVA pilots are trying to find a way off of this black hole surrounded, cow shooting, island.
Asuka: So, this is an island?
Izzy: Yes.
Asuka: As in it's surround by water?
Izzy: Yes.
Asuka: On all sides?
Izzy: Yes.
Asuka: So this is an island?
Izzy: (Angry) YES!
Asuka: Hey, I was just asking a question. No need to get all-uppity about it.
Izzy: Okay, forget it. Let's just find a way off this island.
Rei: Perhaps we should try the door.
Izzy: Door?
Asuka: Door? Are you crazy, Wonder Girl?
Rei: I am mentally stable. (Points to a door in a large palm tree just behind Asuka and Izzy) But there is in fact a door right behind you.
Izzy: (Turns around) Well, I'll be damn! A door!
Asuka: (Looks at the door) Gee, a door!
Rei: Perhaps we should open it?
Asuka: I refuse to believe that Rei had a good idea, but I agree anyway. Izzy open the door.
Izzy: What if the door leads into a weird Hell like dimension or into space or something?
Asuka: Then we will slam the door behind you and quickly run in the opposite direction.
Izzy: Why am I the one that must always risk death?
Rei: Perhaps it is because you are not a very popular character?
Asuka: Yeah, you're nowhere as popular as Wonder Girl or me.
Izzy: Ah! You're only popular because you have boobs!
Asuka: Well, yeah. That and the fact that Evangelion is a much better show than Digimon. But that's just my opinion.
Cow: (Suddenly learns to speak) It really is a better show.
Izzy: That's it! I don't care if I'm sucked into Hell, or space, or New Jersey! I'm walking through that freaking door! (Rei walks through the door) Did you just walk through that door?
Rei: Yes.
Izzy: Are you dead?
Rei: I am still alive.
Izzy: Are you being tortured by a legion of demons?
Rei: I am not in any immediate pain, nor am I being attack by anything.
Izzy: Cool! (Walks through the door) It's safe for you Asuka.
Asuka: What about the cow?
Izzy: Leave the cow.
Asuka: But it's such a nice cow.
Izzy: We can't take the cow.
Asuka; Oh, alright. Be that way. (Walks up to the cow) I'll miss you mister cow.
Cow: Goodbye, pretty woman of Spain. May we meet again some day. (Asuka hugs the cow and walks through the door, closing it behind her) God, that woman was a bitch.
Place: An alley way behind a bank somewhere… There are a millions of them in New York. Really.
Time: Sometimes she goes dancing at night
Day: Sunday, was a bright day, yesterday…
Izzy, Asuka, and Rei walk out of a door and step into the afore-mentioned alleyway.
Asuka: Wow, a city! I wonder which one it is?
Izzy: (Looks at the ground) Well, it's too clean to be New York… Or Chicago… Or Los Angeles… Or Los Vegas… Or San Francisco… Or Tokyo…. Or London… Or Moscow… Or Pei-King…. Or Osaka… Or Paris… Or Hamburg… Or New Orleans… Or San Diego…. Or Miami… Or Atlanta… Or Barcelonan… Or Washington… Or Baltimore… Or Philadelphia… Or Rome… Or Kenya… And its defiantly not Kabul…(Looks closely at the ground) Must be Sydney.
The group sees Matt and T.K. run out of the bank. Alarms are blaring all around.
T.K.: This is your entire fault, Matt!
Matt: Hey, how was I supposed to know she was a cop!
Asuka: (points at Matt) Hey! There's that guy I was suppose to pay off!
Izzy: Pay off?
Asuka: Yeah, well, I have this website and…. Hey! That's none of your business! (Goes running after Matt)
Izzy: (Looks at Rei) So are we going to follow her?
Rei: I see no need to.
Izzy: So, huh, Rei was it?
Rei: It was.
Izzy: Enjoying it here?
Rei: I haven't really come to a conclusion.
Izzy: (Blinks)
Rei: (Blinks)
Matt: (Looks back and see's Asuka) I think I know her.
T.K.: It's not the cop is it?
Matt: No, it's some other chick.
T.K.: Well, if it's a chick, she must be after you, Matt, king of sex!
Matt: Shut up! (Trips on something and goes smashing into the ground)
T.K.: (Stops running) Are you okay?
Matt: (Blood is gushing from his head)
T.K.: You're not dead, are you?
Matt: (More blood)
T.K.: Oh, no! He's dead. (Wicked grin, then starts dancing around) I'm free, I'm free! (Asuka catches up to him)
Asuka: I've been looking all over for you. I've got your money.
T.K.: Uh, money?
Asuka: Yeah, you know, for the pictures.
T.K.: (Acts like he knows what she's talking about) Uhhh, right! Pictures! Money!
Asuka: (Hands him a wad of cash) Here's all 5,000 dollars. Now, the plan is you'll quietly put that in your pocket and walk away slowly, like you don't know me.
T.K.: Okay, no problem.
Asuka: (Shakes his hand and kisses him on the cheek) It's been nice doing business with you. (Walks off as scandalous music plays)
T.K.: That was weird. (Walks away counting the money)
Place: The alley… You know, that alley.
Time: Time's are a' changing!
Day: I believe it is today…
Asuka walks back to the alley to see Rei and Izzy passionately making out.
Asuka: Ah! What the hell?!
Izzy: (Shocked) Uh, what?
Rei: Don't talk. (Continues to kiss him)
Asuka: Ack! Everybody gone insane! What is wrong with you people! One, minute you're both quiet, and acting like dweebs, the next, you're heading to second base! You people go through more mood-swings then I do! (Snorts) Come on, Rei! Let's head home.
Rei: (Stops kissing Izzy) I have to go.
Izzy: Aw, all ready.
Rei: (Pulls out some lipstick and writes her number on Izzy's shirt) Call me. (Walks through the door with Asuka)
Izzy: I'm never washing this shirt again.
Izzy walks away, stunned.
Place: Otak-Con `03
Time: Time waits for no man, so it must be tracked down… and beaten!
Day: The day that holds our destiny!
Cool Max walks into Otak-Con carrying a few manuscripts and sweating like a dog. He walks through to the fan fiction section trying not to look at all the men dressed as Sailor Moon. He finally gets to the fan fiction section where he goes to his booth and awaits fans. He waits for about 2 hours before anybody gets to him. A man, dress like Vash from “Trigun” walks up to Max.
Vash-Guy: So, you write fan fiction?
Max: Yeah, that's why I'm here.
Vash-Guy: Write anything good?
Max: I wrote “Angel of The Night.”
Vash-Guy: The epic, dark “Gargoyle” romance?
Max: No, the epic, dark “Dark Stalkers” romance.
Vash-Guy: Oh… Dark Stalkers sucks! Write anything else?
Max: I wrote “Digimon, The Coming Years.” There are about three or five people who liked that.
Vash-Guy: Digimon! Huh, that's kid's stuff.
Max: Have you read the fics?
Vash-Guy: No, but all Digimon fan fiction sucks! Write anything else?
Max: I wrote “It's A Conspiracy.” It's the only non-slash Invader ZIM lemon on
fandomation.net if that counts for anything.
Vash-Guy: Invader ZIM? Not anime, does not compute.
Max: Go away.
Vash-Guy: Uh, okay. (Walks off)
Max waits around for a few more hours. Then a man in a Santa Claus suit, carrying an ax bust into the room and runs at Max.
Santa: Punish!
Max: Not him again! (Pulls a Dirty Harry style gun out of his jacket and shots Santa, who then spins around in a really neat fashion, before falling down dead. Everybody stares at Max who calmly places the gun back in his jacket) What? A mother-f#%ker's got to defend himself.
Everybody goes back to what they where doing as “Misirlou” (You know, the opening song from “Pulp Fiction”) plays in the background. Max walks off into the sun.
Place: The island from the beginning of this mess
Time: Night
Day: Whatever day works for you
Mimi comes to and see's that Izzy is nowhere around.
Mimi: Hello? Is anybody here?
She wonders around for a bit until she finds the door.
Mimi: A door? (Thinks for a moment) I wonder…
Mimi opens the door and looks in.
Gruff Voice: (From inside the door) `Sup!
Mimi: (Screams as a large red claw grabs her and pulls her into the door) AHHHHHH!!!
“Loser” by Beck plays as the credits roll
What do you mean there's no credits?
Why are you still here?
Go do something else. Don't you have porn to look at, or something?
(“Hurray For Me” by Bad Religion plays)
Afterthoughts: Well, there was my first, and probably last, attempt at writing non-dark humor. If you actually laughed, well, God help you. If you didn't well… You suck. Anyway, for some reason, this took me a year to write. You'd think that the story would reflect that, but no it's short and stupid. But, it was suppose to be stupid. If you caught all the references to different things, e-mail me them, and you'll get a big bag of happy the week later. I actually did get to go to Otak-con last year, even though I didn't have a booth, I did have a similar conversation with some guy dressed as Vash. (And no, Santa didn't attack me either) Plus I got to meet the “best fan fiction writer in the world” Sean Catlett. He even signed my copy of “Tish” for me! But you probably don't care so I'm going to' stop writing. Go to www.fandomation.net and look for Psycho_Z. (That's me!) All my stuff there is better than this. E-mail is coolmax_zero@hotmail.com and my next Digimon fic will be my first attempt at pure-horror entitled “The Lonely Hill.” So, until next time, good-bye, good-bye, good-bye!