Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ The Digimon Newlywed Game ❯ The Digimon Newlywed Game ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
Disclaimer: Toei, the company who seems to employ every creep and freak in the world *points at 02 ending* own Digimon, not I. Someone who is undoubtedly richer than I owns the Newly Wed game.

A/N: I've never seen the Newly Wed game, and I _really_ don't care to, as I loathe most American TV.

***

(The author is talking animatedly to young Gennai, handing him various notecards with handwriting on them. In the background is a stage, set with furniture that looks as if second hand is now just a fond memory. This is probably true, as the author has a limited income and spends most of that on yaoi mags and ragged hippy cloths.)

Gennai: *flipping through cards* You do know you have yaoi and yuri couples in here, right?

dbzlives: So?

Gennai: And they can't actually get married.

'lives: Ask me if I care. *sneers a bit* 'Tis a stupid law anyways.

Gennai: Just checking.

'lives: Can you handle this?

Gennai: I did the dating game with your sister, this should be no problem at all. Especially considering you can actually spell.

'lives: Give her a break, she's eleven. And not everyone can be as brilliant as me.

Gennai: Uh. Right. Just go away and let me do this.

(She walks off.)

Gennai: *cringe* Fangirls..

'lives: I heard that! *sits in audience with her muses*

Gennai: Right, and tonight on the Digidestined Newly Weds show, our first couple is Miyako Inoue and Hikari Yagami!

(They walk out. Dismal clapping from the audience, until dbzlives kicks her muses and threatens to cut off their porn allowance, after which they cheer loudly.)

Miyako: *casually checking Gennai out*

Hikari: *kicks Miyako* We're glad to be here.

Gennai: And our second couple is Mimi Tachikawa and Koushiro Izumi!

(They come out. Mimi is mugging for the camera, Koushiro looks as if he might bolt at any moment.)

Mimi: *waving* Hello Mom, hi Dad! Hi Palmon!

Koushiro: *tugs her over to a couch*

Gennai: And our third couple tonight is Ken Ichijouji and Takeru Takaishi!

(They walk out. Takeru is firmly glomped onto Ken, as if to prove to any reluctant Daiken fans that yes, this is definitely _his_ boyfriend.)

Takeru: ^___^

(They sit down practically in each other's laps.)

Gennai: And our final couple is Yamato Ishida and Jyou Kido! O_o;

Everyone except Takeru: *very surprised*

(Nothing happens. The curtains leading to backstage rustle a bit.)

'lives: Oh for goddess' sake. *gets up, goes over there* Hey, we have a show to film. *walks behind curtain* AIIEE!! *fangirlish squealing*

(Yamato and Jyou walk out, flushed and with their cloths rumpled. There's a blatant hickey forming on Jyou's neck. The author follows, holding a kleenex to her nose and looking dazed.)

Everyone: *stares at them as they sit down*

Jyou: *looks embarrassed* I told you there wasn't time.

Yamato: *just looks faintly amused*

Gennai: *coughs* Anyways. To start our show off, we'll take a moment for each of you to tell us about yourselves.

Miyako: But Gennai, you already know us.

Gennai: *rubbing his head in the manner of someone who feels a migraine coming on* Just do it.

Miyako: Hikari and I have been dating for two years. I work with computers and enjoy randomly glomping pretty guys.

Hikari: *annoyed look* I'm a photographer, and my hobbies include prying Miyako off of various bishounen.

Mimi: *grins* Hi everyone! I've been with Koushiro since I moved back to Japan. ^_^

Koushiro: And it's been wonderful, except the whole computer smashing incident.

Mimi: Well, I guess you'll listen to me next time I want attention.

Koushiro: -_-;

Takeru: Ken and I have been dating for a little over a year. And Ken's mine, all mine, you hear Daisuke?! *stands up, yells hysterically*

Ken: *pats TK consolingly* Sit down, the bad people aren't here now. *looks at camera and audience* First person to mention my fame, any of my inventions, Kaiser, or to even _think_ the term Daiken dies slowly. *tries to look menacing, just looks even sexier than usual*

Takeru: ^_^

(They snuggle.)

Yamato: o_O; Well, I sing, as I'm sure you all know. *preen, glitter*

Jyou: *rolls his eyes affectionately* Yamato and I have been dating secretly *irritated glance at the author* for six months. I'm in med school.

Yamato: He works too hard. After finals, he has a remarkable resemblance to a zombie. :D!

Jyou: Oh shut up. >P

Gennai: Well, do you all know how this show works?

(Six answers of no.)

Gennai: *ignores this* Great, let's get started. Before the show I asked Miyako, Mimi, Takeru, and Jyou questions. Now we'll see how your answers compare. They're worth 25 points each this round. *shuffles through the notecards* Hikari, what was your most disastrous date?

Hikari: Any of the early ones when we first started dating, and Taichi followed us to make sure Miyako's intentions were 'honourable'. *rolls her eyes*

Miyako: *grin* *holds up a sign with "Paranoid Taichi" written on it*

Gennai: *totally unenthusiastic* Great. Twenty-five points. Koushiro, same question.

Koushiro: Um, I guess that it would be when the restaurant lost our reservations?

Mimi: *holds a paper with "the time he brought his laptop" on it* T_T Koushiro, how could you!

Koushiro: *wince*

Mimi: *wails*

Gennai: *cringe* Ow.. No points for you. Ken, same question.

Ken: *deer in the headlights look* ...When we were ambushed by rabid Kensuke fangirls..?

Takeru: *shows his sign: Kensuke ambush* :D *jumps Ken*

Ken: O_O! *they begin making out enthusiastically*

Gennai: Twenty-five points for the two with their tongues down each other's throats. Yamato, the same question again.

Yamato: *looking at TK in revulsion* Could you two not do that in front of me?

Takeru: *untangles himself long enough to flip Yamato the bird*

Yamato: *very deliberately looking in the opposite direction of his brother* Any of the times I was attacked by screaming teenage fangirls.

Jyou: *shows his sign, it reads "Yama's fangirls"*

Gennai: *popping aspirin* Twenty-five points for you two. We'll be back after a brief commercial.



Daisuke: *obviously reading off a teleprompter* Wow, Taichi. How do you get your hair so tall? My hair is far inferior to yours.

Taichi: Simple! I use Toei's Digimon brand hair gel, yet another way for them to exploit our popularity with useless merchandise.

Daisuke: Can I ever be as godlike as you?

Taichi: Maybe some day. *beam*

(They have a male bonding moment.)



Gennai: *mutter* Wisconsin called, they want their cheddar back. Oh! Welcome back to our show.

Hikari: *snickers*

Gennai: *glare* Now, in this round you'll be awarded fifty points per correctly answered question. Hikari, how many people has Miyako slept with other than you?

Hikari: Three?

Miyako: *slightly guilty* ...Five.

Hikari: *yelps* Five!?

Gennai: *snicker*

Miyako: Well, they were before we dated, and there are so many bishounen.. *babbles*

Hikari: *sulks*

Gennai: So sorry, no points for you. Koushiro?

Koushiro: *assured* None.

Mimi: Crest of Purity, baby! *smirk* *glomps Koushiro*

Koushiro: *sweatdrop*

Gennai: *blink* Moodswing much? That's fifty points for you two. And Ken, what about Takeru?

Ken: One other?

Takeru: *blush* Two.

Ken: *raises eyebrow*

Takeru: During the trying to prove I wasn't gay stage.

Ken: *blink* Well, you are.

Takeru: Yeah, I know that _now_.

Gennai: No points for you. Yamato?

Yamato: One other person.

Jyou: *shows sign, 1 is written on it*

Miyako: *staring at them with interest* We didn't even know you two were dating, and now Jyou has an actual sex life?

Yamato: *scowl*

Miyako: Tell, tell!

Jyou: *cough, mumble* Sora.

All: O_O

Yamato: >_o!

Gennai: *reading a magazine while they discuss this* Can we continue?

(They shut up.)

Gennai: Now, the third round is seventy-five points. This is our last round before the bonus, so make it good. Hikari, what is the most romantic thing you've done together?

Hikari: The time we saved up our money and went to this spa-hotel for a weekend. ^_^

Miyako: *shows sign reading spa-hotel*

Gennai: Damn. I guess you get seventy-five points.

Hikari: *says something which makes the censoring devices beep madly*

Gennai: o_o; That was quite rude. Koushiro, your turn.

Koushiro: When the computer flower order service glitched and delivered Mimi six dozen longstem roses, instead of just six. Expensive, but romantic.

Mimi: *her sign says "Lots of pretty flowers!"*

Gennai: Seventy-five points to-

Mimi: Wait. That was a glitch?

Koushiro: ...Aw, f*ck.

Mimi: *murderous gleam* *cue censors*

Gennai: O_O;;; Um, Ken?

(The sounds of Mimi screaming at Koushiro continue in the background.)

Ken: ...Er. I... have no idea.

Gennai: Oooh.

Takeru: O_O! Ken!

Ken: *winces*

Takeru: That dinner thing we went to, on our anniversary!

Ken: But I didn't think that was all that romantic..

Takeru: *glare*

Ken: Erk! What I meant was, it wasn't nearly romantic enough to be worthy of you..?

Takeru: Couch for you.

Ken: ;_;

Gennai: Too bad. Yamato, what was your most romantic moment?

Yamato: Uh... We haven't really _done_ any romantic stuff, we were trying to keep it quiet.

Jyou: *annoyed* Actually, I find the evenings we just stay at my apartment rather nice.

Yamato: -_- Sorry.

Gennai: Heh. No points this time. We'll be back after this commercial break with the final round.



Announcer: Lost a loved one?

(We see a clip of Wizarmon's hand going through Tailmon's.)

Announcer: Grieving? Wishing you could talk with them again?

(Clip of Tailmon crying.)

Announcer: Well, contact Madame Mon's Psychic Seance Service today!

(Image of a fraudulent looking gypsy.)

Announcer: *low voice, very quickly* This advertisement not endorsed by the actual Tailmon. Services void where prohibited. Madame Mon is not responsible for any - AAAHH!

(A furious Tailmon pounces on him. His screams fade away as the commercial ends.)



Gennai: *sweatdrop* And now, to the final bonus round. This question is worth one hundred points. *looks at question* *groans, pops more aspirin* Hikari, where is the oddest place you two have had sex?

Hikari: *grin* The showers at that spa.

Miyako: Er, no. The back of my parents' store.

Hikari: Oh. Forgot about that. That was fun. *evil grin*

Gennai: *slight shudder* No points. Koushiro, your answer?

Koushiro: *looks horribly embarrassed* Do I have to answer this?

Gennai: Yes.

Koushiro: ... *mumble* Make up sex in a computer repair shop.

Mimi: *blush* *shows her sign: 'I'm not telling' is written on it*

Koushiro: *blushing* Does that count?

Gennai: No. *unpleasant laughter* Rather a lot of exhibitionists, aren't they? Ken, your turn.

Ken: Easy, the couch in Ishida's apartment.

Yamato: *turns blue*

Takato: Hai! ^__^!

Yamato: *turns green*

Gennai: Well, a hundred points for you two, you fricking perverts. Now, on to Yamato.

Yamato: *casting Takeru and Ken a weird look* *shakes himself* Backstage here. *leer*

Jyou: *holds up his sign, the answer is right*

'lives: ARGH! I knew I should have installed security cameras!

Gennai: Ick. Well, the point total is Hikari and Miyako in third place with one hundred points, Mimi and Koushiro and Ken and Takeru tied for second with one hundred twenty-five points each, and Yamato and Jyou in first place with one hundred seventy-five points!

Jyou: Great. So what's our prize?

Gennai: *shrug*

'lives: ...Prize?

Yamato: Don't you usually win money on these shows?

'lives: Money? Have you seen this dump? *falls over laughing*

(Everyone points at them, laughing.)

Yamato: *sigh* Figures. That's what you get for trusting a fangirl.

Jyou: Wanna go shag?

Yamato: Always. >)

(They leave.)

'lives: *scrambling up* Wait! Sexy bishounen! Come back! *chases after them* At least let me get my camera!

Gennai: *a vein is noticeably twitching in his forehead* I suppose the show's over. Everyone go home and try to purge this scarring experience from your memory. *he leaves in search of a good psychiatrist*

(The rest of the contestants wander off, bringing this episode to an end.)

***

Random post-story anecdote of strangeness: When going through the fic after I'd written it, I saw I'd accidently made Gennai say "Now, onto Yamato."

I won't even get into the yaoi implications of that..