Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction / Excel Saga Fan Fiction ❯ DBEX ❯ Chapter 1
"What is this? What happened to my title page? Where is my theme song? Where is the band? Excel is confused. Where am I? Where is the disclaimer? Where is the guy that's supposed to tell us it's okay to make his comic book into an anime?" Excel asked as she looked around the dark room. She watched some text appear in front of her and tried to read it.
"Hmm...A message. What does it say? Oh Excel sincerely wishes that she could read it but it is backwards. What can Excel do to make this problem better? Maybe if Excel turns the text around, she can read it!"
She turned it around and read the text which stated: I, (erased name) hereby rate this fic as PG-13 for the use of mild language and categorize it as a Comedy. I do not claim responsibility for the characters portrayed in this and I'm sure that the original creators would prefer not to have anything to do with this odd story that I have come up with so please do not bring charges against me!
"Ah I see. Clever. But what does DBEX mean? Does EX stand for Excel? What does DB stand for then? Excel is still very confused and where is everyone else? Where is Lord Ilpalazzo?"
"Excel, what are you going on about? Excel?" a voice asked and Excel searched all around.
"Where is that voice coming from? Did Excel imagine it?" she asked and Lord Ilpalazzo sighed.
"Excel, I'm over here."
"Hi there, Lord Ilpalazzo. Um...why is it so dark in here?"
"There was a blackout earlier today."
"Where is everyone else? I do not see them," Excel said as she looked around.
"There's a supporting character strike so you will have to do this mission on your own. I'm counting on you, Excel," Lord Ilpalazzo said. "Take this Inter-Dimensional Anime Changer Thingie and find a show with strong people. Find the strongest person and convince him to help us complete our mission."
"What is that mission, Lord Ilpalazzo?"
"Take this Excel and you must open it only when you have found the strongest person on the show that you have chosen. Do you understand?" Lord Ilpalazzo asked and Excel saluted.
"Excel understands perfectly and she will not let you down, Lord Ilpalazzo!" Excel cried and Ilpalazzo nodded his head.
"Good. Get going, then Excel."
"All right! A mission all to myself again! Now how does Excel use this Inter-Dimensional Anime Changer Thingie? There are so many buttons. Which should I press? I know! Excel shall close her eyes and choose blindly! Here we go!! I, Excel will push a button. Any button!"
A blinding light encircled Excel and she was transported into the world of another show. She shook her head then looked around in confusion at the oddly drawn trees and background that stood outside one of the windows of the dome shaped house that she now stood in.
"What the hell...? It actually worked! There was even some really cool special effects! But where is Excel? Ooh! There's a door. Maybe if Excel opens it, she will find someone that will tell her where she is," Excel said and opened the door. It was a bathroom and Excel saw the outline of a woman taking a shower in the shower consul. Excel scratched her head and took out the script, which looked like it had been run through a paper shredder and taped back together, and began flipping through the pages.
"Excel is confused. This isn't anywhere in the plot. Why is it here? Ah-ha! Excel knows what it is! This is fan service and Excel will now call this the `Gratuitous Shower Scene'! But we can't stay here, male members of the audience. Excel has to find a powerful strong-type person so that she can carry out her plans for the great Lord Ilpalazzo."
She shut the door and continued on until she reached the front door of the house. She looked around for a moment then stepped out and sat down on the ground to think.
"Now how am I supposed to get a strong person? Am I even in the right show? Come on, Inter-Dimensional Anime Changer Thingie! Tell me what to do!" Excel cried as a shadow appeared in front of her. The shadow was large and muscular then tapered off into a series of spikes around the head.
What a strange shadow, Excel thought. Does it belong to a large porcupine or some other cute, woodland creature? Excel does not know what to do. Where should Excel look for the strongest person in this anime? Think Excel. What did Lord Ilpalazzo tell you to do? But thinking is hard on Excel's little brain cells. Excel will try, though...
"Who are you and what the hell do you think you're doing at my house?" the shadow asked and Excel looked up. She glanced down at the shadow and then looked up at the owner again. She smiled, showing off the little fang on her right side and stood up.
"Ooh. A muscular man. But wait, Excel must not be too bold. Excel must be polite so as not to arouse suspicions in this big, but kind of short man," Excel said to herself then looked at the owner of the shadow. "Excuse me, my name is Excel and I have come in search of a strong fighter. Do you know where I can find one?"
"Of course I do. You're looking at the strongest fighter here on this planet. I am known as Vegeta, prince of all Saiyens."
"Hooray! Now Excel can open her secret mission from Lord Ilpalazzo. Did you say you were a prince?"
"Did you not hear me the first time, woman?"
"A prince! How pleased Lord Ilpalazzo will be when he sees that his Excel has brought him a prince. But, Excel must not dream about Lord Ilpalazzo's reward to her. It would mess up the rating on this story if Excel were vocal about her fantasies. Not to mention completely embarrassing her. Besides, Excel must open the envelope to see what her secret mission is. Here I go!"
Vegeta watched her for a moment, not sure whether or not she was an idiot or completely insane. He decided to compromise his thoughts and label her as a completely insane idiot.
She sat and read the instructions, half talking and half reading and Vegeta shook his head. He would be a lot better off blasting her on the spot.
"So what do I have to do?" he asked and Excel jumped up.
"We must find the most powerful shiny glowing thing!" she cried.
"Does the psycho ward know that you are loose?"
Excel turned away and scratched her head. Excel is confused, she thought. What is this psycho ward that he talks about? Oh if only the Inter-Dimensional Anime Changer Thingie could translate for me. I mean, I look so out of place in this show. The people here are not drawn like Excel. What should Excel do? Where is a chief animator when you need one?
"What's going on out here?" another voice asked and Excel turned around.
"Hey! It's the shower girl! No more fan service from her, I see. Unless we are going into the next popular stage of fan service, the looking up girls skirts. Stop that!" Excel cried as she pushed the camera away from her.
"Vegeta who is this?" she asked and Vegeta shrugged his shoulders.
"I have no idea but she said she needed help from the strongest being on this planet," Vegeta replied.
"Then why is she here?"
"Bite your tongue woman! Any more remarks like that and I will make you pay in my private chambers."
"You do not believe in this awesome muscular-type person? Excel believes that the blue dye on your hair has confused you. Excel has made her mind up and she is taking him to help Excel fulfill her mission," Excel said and Bulma grabbed her outfit. She opened her mouth to say something then stared as Excel's jacket began to tear in her hand. There was a ripping sound and Excel stared at her coat for a moment then took it off. "Obviously Excel's clothing has lost some of its strength when I traveled through the dimensional portal between animes. Unfortunately, Excel does not know how to sew so Excel will have to go without her jacket from now on," Excel said and set it on fire. Bulma drew away from her and moved further inside the house.
"She's starting to scare me. Can't you get rid of her?" Bulma asked and Vegeta folded his arms.
"She's insane but I'm interested in the mission that she has. I'll humor her. Maybe I'll get a good fight out of it," he said and Bulma looked at him.
"All right. I guess your mind is made up. Just be careful around her. There's no telling when she might snap."
"Here we go to find the powerful shiny glowing thing! The powerful shiny glowing thing! The powerful shiny gloooooowing thiiiiiinnnnnngg!!" Excel sang in her off key voice as she skipped down the road and Vegeta pointed a finger in her direction.
"If you do not stop that hideous racket right now, I will kill you," he growled.
"Excel does not know whether or not she should be afraid, but Excel thinks it is a good idea for her to stop singing."
"Since I am going to be stuck with you for the Kais know how long..."
"The what? Oh, Excel understands. You are talking about your strange and mysterious religion. Religion, one of the things Lord Ilpalazzo wants to make right. Tell me more about your odd religion. Do you do something silly like worship the sun? Wait! Excel must find her notebook so she can take notes!"
"If you say one more word, I'll kill you," Vegeta hissed and Excel fell silent.
Excel does not understand how this prince can be so mean. Perhaps princes in this anime are different than in Excel's world. But then, Excel has never seen a prince in her world so Excel does not really know all that much about princes, Excel thought then dropped to her knees in fright as a dinosaur flew overhead.
"Damn! I have failed and the show isn't even over yet! Excel is so sorry, Lord Ilpalazzo," Excel whispered and Vegeta shook his head. Perhaps coming with her was a mistake.
"Stupid female. Have you not seen dinosaurs before?" he asked and Excel looked at him.
"Only in cute cartoon shows but this is not a cute cartoon show. It is a serious strong anime show."
"Baka. If I had known you would be complaining about this, I would never have come. I've got more important things to do than to stand here listening to an imbecile like you."
"No! Excel will not complain any more! Excel is not scared of flying dinosaur monsters even though they have much larger bodies than Excel and knife like talons that could tear Excel into tiny pieces...But Excel does not want the strong prince to leave her so she will be brave! And that is not imbecile-like!"
This female is insane, Vegeta thought. No wonder she was sent here. Whoever she works for must be tired of having her around. I don't see why he didn't just kill her. It would make things a lot easier. Of course, I may be driven to killing her if she doesn't stop being so damned annoying. This female talks faster than Kakarrot's wife can. The only difference between the two is Kakarrot's mate is more intelligent than this sad creature.
"Woman!" Vegeta said and Excel ran up to him.
"Yes, your princeness?" she asked and Vegeta closed his eyes as he tried to think of a calm place.
"Do not call me that ever again. Do you understand?"
"Excel understands perfectly!"
Riiight, Vegeta thought as he watched her salute.
"What exactly is this powerful glowing thing that you're looking for?" Vegeta asked instead of voicing his thoughts and Excel scratched her head.
"Excel does not know. Lord Ilpalazzo was not very specific with his order. Perhaps you can make sense of it," Excel said and handed the piece of paper to Vegeta. Vegeta took it from her hand and studied it. There was what appeared to be seven round rocks arranged together in a circle with poorly drawn sparks around the center of the circle and super deformed images of Excel and someone who Vegeta assumed to be her superior dancing around the odd circle. Vegeta thought he saw a star then stared at the image again. Was it possible for oddly drawn foreigners to know about the dragonballs? Could it be possible that they knew about their ability to grant wishes?
"Excel sees that the prince has made some sense out of it. Excel is curious to learn what he knows," Excel said and Vegeta glared at her with his coal colored eyes.
"If you must call me something, use my name," he growled.
"Yes! Excel will call you...Fajita from now on."
I swear, I'm going to kill her, Vegeta thought as his eye twitched in anger and Excel kept rattling off names...all of them wrong. Finally Vegeta grabbed her shoulder and Excel fell silent.
Oh my, he has fallen for me, Excel thought as she closed her eyes slightly. Excel did not know she was acting so attractive to him. And why shouldn't he fall for Excel? She is the beautiful star of the show, after all.
Vegeta watched her actions for half a second then pushed her away. Excel fell to the ground and she rubbed her shoulder.
"Ow! Don't you strong guys know how to treat a girl? If you don't you really should be taught how. Excel would be willing to give a romantic lesson if time allows it," she said and Vegeta grinned evilly.
"It depends on what kind of girl you're talking about. When it comes to my woman, I can be quite....playful. I have been known to rip the clothes off of my females," he said softly and Excel scampered away from him.
"You know, this isn't going a thing like the script says!"
"Script? What the hell are you talking about?"
Oh no...perhaps they do not know that there are merely an anime show. Perhaps they believe that their world is real. Perhaps they are in denial. Excel must tell them the truth without causing too much shock.
"Look you're just a drawn person in a painted world. We have to follow a script that tells us what to do," Excel said and Vegeta began laughing.
"You can't possibly expect me to believe that YOU of all people, follow a script."
"Excel must confess that Badita is correct. Excel is pretty bad at following a script."
"I want you to listen carefully to what I am about to say. Can you understand that?"
"Excel understands perfectly!"
"Good," Vegeta said and took a deep breath. "The name is VEGETA! VE-GE-TA!! Do not call me by any other name! DO YOU UNDERSTAND???!"
"Excel understands now please tell Excel what we are searching for! Excel really wants to succeed in her mission."
"I don't know if I should tell you."
"What? Why not?"
"Because I don't know if you could handle the journey to get what you are searching for."
"Excel can handle anything!" she cried and Vegeta smiled patronizingly.
Suuure you can, he thought. I wonder how you find your way out of a closet without step by step instructions and constant help from your supervisor.
"Then let's go," Vegeta said and took to the air. Excel stared at him for a moment then looked all around for her flying apparatus. "Hello? I do believe I said let's go. Have you become hard of hearing now?"
"Um....Excel does not know how you can fly. Excel would like an explanation please."
Damn. I'm really beginning to hate this, Vegeta thought at he descended and grabbed her hand.
"Just hold on. If you struggle, I may be inclined to drop you," he said as he dragged her up into the air. Ugh. A light woman she is not, Vegeta thought as he tried to figure out which route he wanted to take. What the hell is her clothing made out of? Steel?
"Excel thinks she is slipping!" Excel cried and Vegeta glanced down at her.
"You're too damned heavy! What the hell are you made out of? Some type of metal? You're not some screwed up android, are you?" he demanded.
"Maybe Excel should lighten her pockets."
"Do what you like."
Excel reached her free hand into her pocket and pulled out a can of fruit, a toaster, a computer, a plasma screen television....
"Just how deep are your pockets?" Vegeta asked and Excel blushed.
"Excel is almost through. She does not know how all those things got into her pocket, though," she said as she struggled to pull out a nuclear warhead. Vegeta's eyes grew wide in terror as she dropped the bomb and he forced himself to fly faster.
The explosion that followed them was added to the six o'clock news and Bulma nearly fainted from shock when she saw it. She stood up and folded her arms in anger, knowing just exactly WHO caused the problem.
"Why didn't you kick her out when you had the chance? Why must you always be interested in challenges, Vegeta?" She asked aloud as she walked back into her workroom.
"Why the hell did you have that in your pocket?!" Vegeta demanded and Excel laughed nervously.
"Um...Excel don't know," she said and Vegeta loosened his grip on her arm. "Hey what are you doing?! Excel does not want to fall and go splat!"
"Then start doing things logically otherwise I'll be doing both our worlds a favor by losing my grip."
He began to descend and Excel tried not to think about how quickly the ground was approaching her. She began to think about Lord Ilpalazzo and how he must be sitting, in the dark underground secret headquarters of ACROSS, just waiting for Excel to return. She could see him sitting on his throne, glancing idly at a few inaccurate mangas of Excel Saga by the manga artist that she had once tried to kill and shook her head. Her feet touched the ground and she sighed in relief.
"Whew. I'm spent," she commented and sat down on the ground.
"What do you mean `spent'?! I did the majority of the work! You haven't done a damned thing! Is that how you carry out your missions wherever you're from? If it is, then let me tell you something. You are a grave insult to the entire military universe!" he yelled and Excel looked down the road.
"I see something shiny! Maybe it's powerful too! Come on!" she said and took off. Vegeta folded his arms and turned to the side in a decisive manner.
"I refuse to go," he said and Excel stopped and ran backwards to where he stood.
"What? But you can't refuse. Excel will not finish her mission without you."
"Look I'm spent. Having to put with someone like you has been on a strain on my mental well-being."
"What do you mean, spent? Excel is slightly confused. Does he mean spent like money and haven't we done this what do you mean spent line before?"
Vegeta grabbed her arm and wrenched it behind her back. Excel winced in pain and made a little whimpering sound as Vegeta watched her with glistening ebony eyes. A swift break of the neck and she'd be finished. He'd be doing the entire universe a favor.
"Excel...thinks she sees it. Please...let go of poor little Excel," Excel gasped.
"Oh really? Then show me," Vegeta said and Excel pointed her free hand to something glistening in the sun. Vegeta loosened his grip on her arm.
"See? It's over there."
Vegeta dropped his arm and Excel ran a hand over her sore arm.
"Why did you have to hurt Excel so much?"
"Because you annoy me. Now where is that thing that you saw?"
"Can you not see it?"
"No I can't, damn it and I know my eyes are a lot better than yours!"
"But Excel's eyes are more beautiful," Excel said then ran in the direction of the glint that she had seen.
"Idiotic woman! You have no idea what's over there!"
"Excel does not care. She must fulfill her mission for Lord Ilpalazzo. I will do anything for yoooou!!"
"That woman scares me," Vegeta muttered as he followed her with quite a few steps behind her.
"La, la, la! For Lord Ilpalazzo!!" Excel sang and a large dinosaur rose up from nowhere and glared annoyingly at her. He growled and Excel fell to her knees. "Maybe...not for Lord Ilpalazzo?"
The dinosaur swiftly approached her and swiped at her. Excel jumped then glanced in Vegeta's direction.
"Aren't you going to help?" she demanded.
"And spoil the entertainment?" he asked.
"Where is Excel's fan support when she needs it? Oh Excel knows what to do. Excel will switch to a commercial break!"
She ran around in a typical panicked fashion and Vegeta sighed. Helpless female, he thought and raised his hands.
"Galick Cannon!" he cried and the dinosaur glanced in his direction. Vegeta's eyes grew wide in shock when the dinosaur lumbered towards him. What sort of creature was this to be undaunted by an attack by the Saiyen Prince?
"Is that the best you got?" Excel asked and Vegeta glared in her direction. If his gaze were concrete, it would most likely be made out of fire.
"Don't EVEN begin to mock me! You of all people couldn't even destroy this creature! Hmmph. Well it looks like this little thing wants to play. Very well then. Witness the power of a TRUE Super Saiyen."
What the hell is a Super Saiyen? Excel is confused now, Excel thought as she watched Vegeta build up enough ki to transform. With a burst of energy, the prince's black hair became painted with gold, almost as if a golden wave had washed over him leaving his hair and eyebrows amber in color. His eye color had changed as well, Excel noted briefly as she gazed at his physical structure. She found herself drooling in spite of herself.
"Excel does not care what you male members of the audience think but this sailor type person is extremely buff!" Excel cried. "If only my Lord Ilpalazzo could be like that then Excel would truly be happy! What is this?!"
She picked up a piece of paper and looked at it.
"To the odd person in the show. I am quite put out by how you constantly mispronounce the names in this anime. First off, it is pronounced Vegeta or Vejita. Just like it sounds. Also the word is Saiyen pronounced Say-en for those who need things spelled out phonetically. Please take care of your pronunciation. We don't go around mispronouncing your show, do we? Signed a concerned fan. Well there goes at least two pages of puns. Damn! It is so hard keeping all these anime fans happy. But now that Vegeta can direct the dinosaur's attention, Excel can get the great powerful shiny thing! And heere it is! This small and shiny lantern!"
"WHAAT?! THAT'S WHAT YOU'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR??! All right! Time to die, lizard! I've got a bone to pick with that stupid woman! FINAL FLASH!!"
The ground lit up with his attack and Vegeta walked away from the crater in the earth that he had made. His eyes flared with rage as he walked up to her.
"You came here...." he said, his voice quivering with complete and utter rage. "You came here and put me through hell ten times over just for....A LANTERN?! A SMALL DAMNED LANTERN?!"
"A small damned shiny lantern," Excel corrected and Vegeta screamed in agony.
"I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!!!"
"Excel thanks you so much for helping her complete her mission but now Excel must go. Bye-Bye!" she cried and pressed another button on the Inter-Dimensional Anime Changer Thingie and disappeared with the same special effect that she used to arrive there. Vegeta stared at the spot that she had been standing in and opened his mouth then shut it again in disbelief. Had it all been a dream? Or had it all been reality?
"It sure as hell couldn't have been reality. That woman must be putting something extra in my meals lately. Either that or I'm slowly going insane," Vegeta muttered. "Well, I may as well go home. I actually look forward to a quiet evening after a day such as this one and that's unusual."
Meanwhile, back in the ACROSS headquarters, Excel searched around for Lord Ilpalazzo.
"Excel has returned, Lord Ilpalazzo and she has brought back the powerful glowing shiny thing!" she cried as she set it on the floor before Ilpalazzo's throne.
"Very good, Excel. Turn it on," Lord Ilpalazzo said and Excel lit the wick and Excel's eyes grew wide as the small lantern illuminated the room.
"This makes a very bright light, does it not, Lord Ilpalazzo?"
"Yes. You've done quite well, Excel. I commend you."
Is this the part where Excel's fantasies come true? Excel does not know if she is ready for this moment. Excel does not even know if it falls into the guidelines for this fic. Excel is afraid that they might soon be under violation of the rules in this fic.
"Excel, are you quite all right?" Lord Ilpalazzo asked and Excel spun around.
"Yes! Excel is perfectly fine!" she cried and saluted.
"Tell me, then Excel. What was this other anime like?"
Excel ran up to him, knocking over the lantern. The flame inside touched the floor and quickly incinerated the entire building. Excel stood there, charred and sheepish. Lord Ilpalazzo sighed and thought about how glad he would be when the supporting character strike was over.
"Excel is very sorry, Lord Ilpalazzo," Excel said in a small voice and Ilpalazzo looked at her.
"Tell me Excel, did you find the strongest person in the anime that you journeyed to?" he asked and Excel scratched her head.
"Excel thought she had."
"Hmm. I see. Is it not possible, then that perhaps there was someone stronger than the one you found?"
"He claimed to be the strongest."
"Well then, Excel. Since I will be busy rebuilding the ACROSS headquarters, why don't you go in search of an intelligent person in a different anime and complete this mission once you arrive there?" Lord Ilpalazzo asked and Excel gladly took the enclosed envelope.
"Yes! Excel will gladly do it for the great Lord Ilpalazzo!" Excel cried and pushed another button on the Inter-Dimensional Anime Changer Thingie. In a blinding flash, she was gone.
"The damage is less when she's away."
DBEX. Today's experiment of Excel Saga......failed.
Meanwhile, in the back room of an animator's workshop, a heated discussion is taking place.
"....And if you EVER pair me up with that woman again, I will sue!" Vegeta cried and threw down an envelope. "You will hear from my agent about this!"
And with that, Vegeta slammed the door, knocking cells, scripts, brushes and various other materials down from their shelves. Goku stared at the broken windows then glanced at Vegeta.
"Don't you think you were a little harsh on him?" he asked and Vegeta glared at him.
"You weren't even in this Kakarrot. You don't know the hell I went through," Vegeta replied.
"Well, yeah but still, don't you think you were a bit too rough?"
"Let's get something to eat, Kakarrot. And perhaps something to drink as well. I need to forget all about this damned day."
"Okay, but are you paying?"
"Of course not," Vegeta said and held up a credit card. He grinned darkly for a moment then put the card back in his pocket. "But the Capsule Corporation is. Let's go."