Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ A Very Hairy Christmas ❯ The Best Laid Plans ( Chapter 2 )

The angels, of course, belong to Maria Cline and are used with permission.

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Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ.

A Very Hairy Christmas

By Nadia Rose

Chapter 2: When Plans Don't Go Awry

Son Gohan prided himself on being a patient man. He wasn't overpatient, like the most sinister and calculating of villains, nor was he a hothead without a shred of patience. The eldest demi-saiyan, who also happened to be the Supreme Kai-elect, was happy about being in the middle. He could deal with small children and nuisances of everyday life with a level head-experience had given him this skill. He could also deal with those frantic the-universe-as-we-know-it-is-going-to-end days with about the same level of patience, brought on by experience as well-the knowledge that he was pretty much the most powerful being in the multiverse didn't hurt anything, either.

There was one thing that never failed to try Gohan's patience, and that was his sensei, his mentor, his Master, the one and only Kaoishin. Where there had once been four, there was now only one, and Shin was looking for replacements. Gohan had been the first to fit the bill-and was slated to take over Shin's position as soon as he, Gohan, died for the final time. But until that happened, Shin was free to aggravate him like a swarm's worth of bee stings.

It was Christmas Eve, and Gohan had just had to explain to his two-year-old daughter that he was going to be gone all afternoon because a certain purple-skinned excuse for a god needed an errand boy. Shin must have had a dozen errand creatures-most of them Gohan knew by name. One he even was, in a certain sense; there was another version of himself in service to the Supreme Kai as penance for an evil act he had done in life. Why he had had to summon Gohan from his happy little nest of Christmas cheer to deliver a scroll, only the multiverse knew, and it wasn't talking. The multiverse liked its little secrets.

He had finally gotten here, only to discover that Shin wasn't going to let him deliver the damn scroll and go back to his own universe. Before he could do that, he was going to have to have another long afternoon with his mentor, which, while not boring, was not the way Gohan had planned on spending his Christmas Eve.

So far today he had listened to four trials overseeing the formal complaints between gods, where all he had done was sit and wonder how petty some of these so-called Regulators of the Multiverse could be. When a formal complaint was lodged over an argument involving the color of a certain universe's lookout color and how many of said tiles were used, it was time to get a new hobby.

One of the first things Gohan was going to do when he finally became Kai was delegate somebody else to mediate these petty little disputes that were popping up all over the multiverse. Only last week he'd been dispatched with a version of his grandmother to break up the Goddess of Free Will and the God of Subordination, who had gotten into a fist-fight over their galactic remote control, resulting in the rapid rise and fall of several different galactic governmental systems in the closest universe.

The role of divine referee was just one of those quirks as Kai-elect that Gohan had learned he was never going figure out. It was best for the multiverse in general just to keep everybody happy, no matter what odd, bizarre, or plain disgusting things that took.

As it was, Gohan was just itching to go home. At least there he could rain retribution back upon his torturers without having to worry about disrupting the stability of Everything That Was.

Yes, the almighty Kai-elect was still worried about what his family was going to do to him. He hadn't been Santa Claus at the annual gathering since his son was about Galen's age, when his brother's twins had been barely old enough to roll over. His daughter and Bra had thought it would be fun to try to catch Santa by rigging a complex series of traps and stops along the route that would have succeeded in tarring and feathering jolly Mr. Claus.

Gohan had been picking neon pink feathers out of his hair for days afterwards.

This time around would be much, much worse-this fact was as certain as Hell was hot. Vegeta still hadn't gotten him back for the bodycast incident three years ago-there was no saying what he would come up with. Gohan found very small consolation in the fact that Bulma had outlawed ki attacks back when Trunks and Goten were small; they were sure to find a loophole somewhere.

As the last pair of gods were finally zipped back off to whatever niche of the multiverse they called their home, Gohan was left alone with Shin, whose face had taken on those subtle little mischievous lines that he had learned to dread. "So, Gohan," he began pleasantly, stacking up the file folders the size of anatomy textbooks that he'd been keeping records in, "how go the Holidays in your little fraction of it all?"

Gohan shrugged, ignoring the dread that was tugging at his stomach. "Not too bad. I was chosen to be the family Santa this year, though."

"And that's a bad thing?" Shin questioned, waving Gohan ahead of him out the door that led to his office. "I was under the impression that this Claus deity was someone to emulate."

"It is," Gohan admitted immediately, wondering exactly when Shin had started prying into Earth's cultures. Earth was practically insignificant in the really big picture; to have the Supreme Kai know such things was a bit disconcerting. "It's just the tradition that isn't."

Beneath Shin's questioning gaze, Gohan found himself relating the whole family tradition-from drawing straws to the food to the elaborate traps set just for the sake of the chibis who were usually asleep by that time anyway. When he had finished, the Supreme Ruler of Everything looked down at him with thinly-veiled amusement. "And your friends and relatives out to get you frightens you?"

Gohan shrugged. "I can fight monsters I've never seen before in my life without even thinking. I can't fight my family-not like that. Videl would make my life miserable for backing out on the first Christmas Galen can really understand." He grimaced, remembering the last time he'd made her really angry.

Shin smirked and tossed his stack of folders to his secretary, a very odd-looking creature that had eight arms before settling himself down in his executive desk chair, complete with heat and massaging options. "So you don't want to get kicked off the planet again."

The demi-saiyan settled himself onto the chair that once might have done service as a chopping block, in some backwoods corner of the multiverse. "Basically," he admitted. "Saiyan mates, even if they're not Saiyan, are like that. You might enjoy getting them riled, but you never really want them truly furious at you. There are consequences"

Shin lifted what passed for an eyebrow among his species. "I'll have to remember that," he commented in his deceptively soft voice. "Your friends and family are setting traps for you, but you'll still go through with it to keep your wife happy. This doesn't…agree with what I've been told about Christmas."

Gohan frowned. "Who's been telling you about Christmas?"

"One of Grand Kai's messenger angels is human," Shin explained away a bit too casually. "I was a bit curious as to why you asked for tomorrow off."

Gohan shrugged, then happened to glance at his watch, and winced. "I'm supposed to be at home in two hours. Can I take your message now?"

Shin nodded. "Of course. Take it." He pulled a scroll from a desk-drawer and tossed it at him. "For the Angel of Death; and her only."

Gohan grimaced. Kyuushi was actually a very nice person, but her aura-it creeped out anyone who had died before, including himself, despite all of the time he'd spent around her. It was not a feeling he was looking forward to experiencing right before he jumped into whatever tortures his family had planned for him. It always left him slightly disoriented, and that was not a good way to be when faced by attack from all sides.

But that was the way Fate wanted it, so he had to just deal with it. He pocketed the scroll, grimacing when his fingers brushed the capsule Bulma had given him. The suit. What was Santa without a suit. The Kai-elect ducked in the closest bathroom he could find, which, as all bathrooms here in the Multiverse's Executive Center seemed to be, was utterly deserted. With a sigh of resignation, he dropped the capsule to the floor to see what it contained.

There were two red suits inside of it, not just one like Bulma had said. The first one he recognized immediately-the rich crushed velvet with the furry cream cuffs and antique brass buttons had belonged to his father. He could remember sneaking downstairs with his Mom on Christmas Eve to catch 'Santa' piling gifts beneath the Christmas tree, what a thrill it had given him. Goku always wore that coat on Christmas Eve, even after Gohan had figured out who 'Santa' really was. They'd just sit together and eat cookies wrapped in the coat.

Gohan reverently rubbed one of the polished brass buttons, wondering how the suit had survived. It had disappeared about the time Goten was born, he remembered, because it had been Grandpa who had been Santa, and there was no way Dad's suit was going to fit him.

And now it was here, in front of him. Gohan longed to slip on the coat and the matching hat, but he couldn't-it just felt wrong. He'd never be able to take his Dad's place like that, and he wouldn't be able to stand having such a reminder of his childhood ruined. Running his fingers through the white fur at the cuffs, he turned to the other suit, which was something he was much more willing to have destroyed.

It was nothing like his father's suit, but it was much better than the average run-of-the-mill Mall Santa's too. Without thinking too much about it, he pulled it on, then stared at what was left. There was no way he was wearing a fake beard-not even if they'd gotten Shin to threaten him. He chucked it into the wastebin. And as for the wig-he couldn't have worn it if he tried, he just had too much hair. They still hadn't figured out a way to cut it, and it still hung at his calves, although by now he'd gotten rather used to it.

With a sigh he rummaged through the other contents of the capsule, which were basically old Christmas decorations-wreaths, strands of broken lights, even an old tree, still decorated.

There was a package of spray-on snow that the plastic hadn't been taken off of.

Santa was supposed to have white hair.

With a grimace, Gohan grabbed them, and turned to the mirror.

Twenty minutes later, Shin found Gohan still in the bathroom, grimacing at his reflection. Shin was wondering what had happened to the bathroom-it looked like a minor blizzard had gone through. When he questioned his apprentice, he was rewarded with a glare and a warning growl, so he backed off and reminded Gohan that the message needed delivering before he went home. He also promised to pick up the mess in the bathroom.

Gohan winked out, intent on delivering the message and going home.

Shin left the bathroom as it was for the janitor ogre to clean up, but before he left he collected a red suit off the floor and tucked it under his arm. He was a bit curious about the whole aura this Holiday gave off-despite his apprentice's gloom, he really wasn't complaining. Not much, anyway.

The Supreme Kai intended to do a bit more research-and then maybe he'd conduct a little experiment of his own with this Christmas.

* * * * * * * * * *

While Gohan was off delivering a message to the Angel of Death, his family was scurrying in last minute efforts to prepare for Santa's coming. Barden had run a quick 'errand' to ask Dende when Santa was going to be at CC, and had it on very good authority that he would be there soon.

Trunks was carefully adjusting the sensors in the fireplace, while Bulma good-naturedly helped align the others. The others were all scurrying around on some task or another, while the chibis they were doing this for were all huddled together on a couch, very close to being asleep.

Chichi smiled and tucked a blanket around them, arranging Satin's arm and Juugo's head into better positions so they wouldn't be all knotted up when they awoke. This was one part of Christmas she never tired of, watching the little faces when they got their first glimpse of Santa.

Juugo yawned and blinked up at her, still too excited to succumb into sleep, "Is Santa almost here yet?"

"Soon," she promised. "Why don't you go stand over in the corner with your Mom, so he won't see you?"

Juugo crawled out from beneath the blanket and scurried over to Marron, who gathered him up in her arms before disappearing behind the kitchen door with Juuhachi and Krillin.

Pan stepped out of the trap she, Bra, and Marron had worked on to scoop her daughter up, tucking Satin easily beneath her chin as Trunks ushered them off into the relative shadows of one corner with Bra and Vegeta.

Chichi lifted her granddaughter to her hip, smiling as Galen shifted her position to make herself more comfortable and continued dozing. They'd tried to have an early 'sighting,' but it still wasn't early enough. Maybe next year she and Satin would be old enough to enjoy it.

The elderly Princess hauled her youngest granddaughter off to go stand in the corner next to Videl, hidden behind a curtain.

As the rest of the gang concealed themselves, some in rather obvious places, Bulma turned all of the lights off except for those on the tree, and held her camera at ready.

This was going to be a Christmas to remember.

* * * * * * * * * *

Gohan, thanks to the superb accuracy his Dimension Transmission could give him, was able to teleport himself right into the fireplace at Capsule Corps. He might have been Kai-elect-but even Kai-elects couldn't shimmy down chimneys smaller than they were. On reflection, though he should have just tried to come in through a door or window, because the fireplace was his first mistake. Not only was there a bed of coals, as he had expected, but laser sensors as well.

He'd triggered the first alarm, which was bound to put all of the other traps on alert.

A quick scan of kis told him where everyone was hiding, and he made it a point not to look at any of those spots. All he had to do was make it from the fireplace to the tree. It was only about ten meters, but it might as well have been a hundred.

A chorus of tiny gasps, however, spurred him to start the incredible journey that he'd been dreading all day. It wasn't often he got to be the hero anymore. He quit hovering above the coals and ducked out to stand on the hearthstone.

His granddaughter's voice was the first he heard. "Daddy," her whisper carried as clear as her speaking voice did, "why does Santa have such big muscles? Isn't he supposed to be fat?"

Bra answered her. "He has to carry those all of those toys around, doesn't he? Some of them must be heavy."

One step-nothing happened. He braved another.

From behind the half-closed kitchen, he could hear Juugo moan. "Oh man, I didn't expect him to be so strong! I wanted to ask him if he brought me the new models of Uncle Trunks and Aunt Pan. The one where they're dressed up like He-man and She-ra."

Hoarse chuckles were smothered all across the room.

Gohan bit down on his own and crept a few steps forward, trying to make it look like he wasn't creeping-just walking very slowly.

"I'm sure our traps are strong enough," Goten soothed quietly. "He'll never get past the last one."

"And if he does," Juuhachi promised, "I'll take care of it. His magic shouldn't work on androids."

He had to remember to fall for the last trap. Maybe he'd be able to DT into another part of the house before they could catch him.

He crept forward a few more steps, on full alert for whatever he might step into.

He found it at the corner of the couch, when the rug he had just put his foot on fell away, revealing one of Bulma's portable holes-something she and her father had run across on their research with capsule technology. There was a place the encapsulated items went to-this was just one of them-without the capsule.

He stepped back quickly after pretending to almost fall in, carefully skirting the edge of gaping hole in the floor.

He heard Juugo mutter quietly in disappointment, and, lowering his voice, tried to chortle. "Such clever little tykes," he stage-whispered, "but I have too many presents to give tonight to let myself be captured."

A few more steps forward, and he was much, much closer to the tree-almost to the slightly lighter area that the Christmas lights illuminated. As he stepped forward again, he felt the familiar tug of increasing gravity-combined with a light ki-dampening field. Not enough to seriously hinder him-just because he'd come in her powered up almost to mystic.

With a couple of heavy shakes, he had pulled himself out of the gravity field, and was finally in front of the tree.

"Momma," Satin whispered again, "why's Santa's hair so long? It's almost as long as Grandpa Gohan's."

Gohan didn't bother to listen for Pan's reply; he was too busy settling the three wrapped gifts he had in a bag slung over his shoulder beneath the tree. When he straightened back up, he noticed the last trap. And oh, what a trap it was.

The trap itself was something any one of them would have laughed off. It was a simple hunting noose, one of the old ankle-catchers. It was the bait that made the trap work. There, in the center of the noose, was a plate of Chichi's Special Double Chocolate cookies, still warm from the oven. The smell alone made Gohan's mouth water.

He hadn't eaten all afternoon, and before he knew what he was doing, he was standing in the middle of the noose, one large, soft, deliciously warm cookie in each hand as he munched away.

The rope tightened around his ankles.

Gohan ignored it, and continued to eat. Mmmm….cookies.

As Gohan continued to eat, the trap set itself. See, the inventors of the trap hadn't expected the noose to do any good. It was just a decoy, to make him think. The real trap was hiding behind the curtain, waiting to make her move.

Gohan's blissful evening snack was abruptly interrupted when a pair of ki-inhibiting handcuffs was clamped around his wrists. He focused his eyes to see his wife standing in front of him at the other end of the cuffs, smirking triumphantly, before she put on her severe 'interrogator's face. "Hello Mr. Claus," she greeted. "I'm Videl Son. Earth Special Forces." She winked at him, then glanced pointedly at the cuffs, where he could see that one had been left unlatched. "I just want to ask you a few questions," she continued in her serious face, "and then you're free to go. We don't want to keep you held up too long."

Gohan managed to garble an appropriate response. They'd actually caught him.

Videl opened her mouth to start questioning him, but was abruptly cut off by a sound none of them were expecting. Singing.

And it was coming from inside CC.

The door from the outer hallway flew open, and in walked a quartet of carolers, managing to belt out a beautiful rendition of the Carol of the Bells in four-part harmony. There was one thing everyone immediately noticed about the carolers-they were all sporting real live feathered wings-not the cheap imitations. One even had glass Christmas bulbs hanging off his red feathers. Videl immediately began wondering who these people were, and how they had possibly gotten past security-and why did that one man have three eyes?

Her husband, the captive Santa, knew. Kyuushi had brought her fellow angels to wish them a Merry Christmas. It was a nice thought-but it was also very, very bad, because two of the angels were alternate versions of himself and Videl. He tried to wriggle forward, but with the rope still tied around his ankles it was like watching an inchworm crawl. Especially since the motion had latched the loose cuff.

He was now thoroughly stuck; helpless, as the alternate versions of himself and Videl, still teenagers, stepped into the light.

That was it-his life was officially over.

From behind the kitchen door, he heard Juugo's startled exclamation. "That's Uncle Gohan! And Aunt Videl!" A pause. "Mom…why are there two Aunt Videls? And why do they have wings?"

Marron's reply was faint. "I don't know, Juugo. You'll have to ask your Uncle Gohan when he gets back."

From his family's spot behind the door, Juugo exercised his fledgling ki senses and frowned. "Wait a minute! There are two Uncle Gohans, too!"

The twins groaned. "Well," Monda murmured privately to her sister, "there goes keeping that Santa secret."

Gohan groaned.

Juugo darted out from the kitchen, climbing right up next to him. "Uncle?" He questioned, eyeing Gohan's face. He then promptly marched around behind Gohan, and poked at the mass of hair, which was rapidly losing its fake-snow look all across Bulma's carpet as he breathed. "You are Uncle!"

Satin frowned. "But then where's Santa?"

All of the adults knew immediately that this had the potential to get very ugly, very, very fast. Not only had they not expected the traps to work, but not a single one of them had any remote clue that Gohan's identity would be revealed.

Luckily, Videl had been thinking on her feet like this since she first started helping the police-she had been in far too many sting operations that had taken a sour turn. She turned to her mate and promptly clobbered him as hard as she could. Now, Videl's hardest hit might, at most, make Gohan think about bruising…but it was enough to shock him. "SON GOHAN!" She bellowed. "How dare you impersonate a deity! I'm going to have to arrest you for that! I'm sure it's against the law somewhere!"

The angel-the one with Videl's face and blue wings, stepped forward. "Actually, impersonating a deity is against the law on Adestine," she commented helpfully.

Videl nodded, and turned back to her now errant husband. "See. You broke a law on Adestine, wherever that is."

"About three years space travel from here," Vegeta put in gruffly. "Very odd planet. Very weak inhabitants."

The angel nodded.

Gohan sighed. "Aphadite. You're not helping."

Another angel, the one who looked like Gohan, stepped forward to defend his counterpart. "Actually, isn't Gohan a deity already? He is Kai-elect-and the Supreme Kai is the deity. He can do whatever he wants."

The other female angel, the one with the camera, stepped calmly between the two, ignoring the slightly annoyed gazes they were giving each other. "Actually, it is universal law that one deity may only impersonate the other with written consent between both parties."

Her statement ended the argument brewing between the two angels, although they were still giving each other odd glances. She glanced down at Gohan, who was now sitting on the floor, bound at wrists and ankles, because apparently the rope around them had ki-inhibiting properties as well. "You had probably best stay in your wife's custody until we get this straightened out. If Shin found out he'd have to put you on probation; and that means you wouldn't be here for Christmas."

She grinned evilly, and snapped a picture. "For the archives," she said stiffly.

Gohan shook his head. "Right, Kyuushi. I have yet to find these archives."

"Your problem, not mine."

Galen, who had up to this point been asleep, slid out of her grandmother's arms and toddled over to where the closest familiar auras were-those of her parents-both sets. "Momma? Poppa?"

Gohan was rewarded when the other set of them-the ones with wings, turned a brilliant pink. He smiled at his daughter. "It's ok, Angel girl. They're friends who've come for a visit."

About the time the situation threatened to turn very stale, the last angel, the one with three eyes, stepped forward. "All right," he said cheerfully. "This isn't the big infraction everyone thinks it is. Kyuushi, it's Christmas. I'm sure Gohan here was just helping Santa deliver his presents, wasn't he?"

Gohan nodded. "That's right. He's a very busy man. I'm just helping him because that's what I do-help deities."

Aphadite, the Videl-angel, smiled and knelt next to Galen, and Satin, who had just joined them. "I'm sure if you wait up," she told the sleepy chibis, "The real Santa might show up for a quick visit after he gets done delivering his other presents."

Before anyone could really understand what happened, the Videl angel had all three small chibis settled on the couch, and the adults were lined up on the edge of the room, with the exception of Santa Gohan and Videl, who still hadn't bothered to untie him.

With a quiet nod to each other, the carolers launched into song, this time, in a language nobody but Gohan seemed to understand. Even though the words were foreign, the music was beautiful to listen to, and soon the tide of disaster had been shoved away from the house, replaced by good, old-fashioned holiday cheer. By the time the last ringing note had finished echoing throughout the room, the angels were gone, leaving only good feelings in their wake.

Bulma rubbed at her eyes. She was getting too old to deal with Gohan's alternate universe and deity friends. They were just too weird.

Beside her, Chichi pointed to the three chibis, who were all huddled up in balls on the couch, sound asleep.

Marron shook her head as she eyed her son, then her twin girls, who were propped up against Barden over in a corner, also sound asleep. "Do they do encores?"

Gohan chuckled and shook his head. "The Angels…they're something else." He glanced at his wife. "Care to untie me now?"

"I'm afraid I can't do that," Videl replied tartly. "You did break a law-even if it is out of my jurisdiction. Besides, I don't have the key for those cuffs. I don't think there is a key, actually."

Gohan groaned. Of course, now that everything was fixed, something still had to go wrong.

Videl smiled apologetically at him. "I'm sure we'll think of something in the morning." She kissed him lightly on the lips. "I'll go get you some pillows so you can make yourself comfortable here on the floor. I'm too tired to think of anything else."

And so it was…the adults went upstairs to sleep, and the children, plus Gohan and Videl, stayed downstairs in hopes of glimpsing the real Santa should he decide to come for a visit. (Or in Gohan's case-because he couldn't climb the stairs with his feet tied together-and Videl because it was Christmas Eve, after all). The entire house had fallen into stillness, everyone was asleep-nothing stirred. Not even a mouse.

And just when Capsule Corps had reached the peak of peace, the calm before the rush of a great holiday, that was when Shin decided to implement his little experiment.

A figure appeared in the fireplace once more, and like the previous one, this one also wore a Santa suit. This suit was made of crushed red velvet, with creamy white cuffs and polished brass buttons-the matching hat perched on a very familiar set of spiked hair, over which hovered a gleaming halo.

Son Goku stood in front of the fireplace, eyes bright with endless joy as he gazed down at the family he hadn't seen in years-the faces of the grandchildren he'd never met. His service for the good of the universe had once again produced enough credit for a visit, although he could only be spared for a few hours. He wished in all his heart that he could have spent the holiday with his family and friends, but this would have to do.

Moving silently as a wraith, the Champion of Earth and Good wandered throughout Capsule Corps, visiting each of his family members-or at the very least, listening to their breathing from in the hall. When at last he returned to the main room, he went back to the fireplace, inserting the letters he could leave behind into the stockings hanging off the mantelpiece.

A tiny gasp carried from behind him, and he turned to see the smallest chibi, Son Galen, staring up at him with wide eyes filled with wonder. "Santa?"

A very familiar grin spread across the man's face, and he gathered the girl up into his arms, cuddling the grandchild he would probably never see again.

She smiled and glomped him back, and burst out into happy giggles when he removed the red hat off his head and plopped it down onto hers, where it dropped down over her eyes. "Good little girls go to sleep on Christmas Eve, Galen," he chided in a whisper, carrying her back to the couch.

Settling her back down on the couch, he waited patiently for her to drift back off to sleep, absently finishing off the remainder of the cookies and the glass of milk nearby-because that's what Santa did, wasn't it? While he did that, he became suddenly aware of two other little sets of eyes upon him, and turned to see his other grandson and great-granddaughter peering over at him from the confines of the couch. He grinned and waved at them, biting back a chuckle when all three chibis drifted back off to sleep not long after. The poor chibis had had too much excitement today.

Once he was sure he was no longer being watched, he knelt next to his son, who was asleep in a huddle on the floor with his wife. "You're doing a good job," he whispered quietly, pulling a key out of his pocket and undoing the manacles. "That's all we can ever do." A quick ki blast took care of the rope.

He peeled off his coat and wrapped it around the three oldest kids asleep in the corner, and left his last possession on the mantle to let them know he was still with them in heart, if not in body.

Son Goku stood in the window, looking down on his family for the first and last time in years. "Merry Christmas," he murmured quietly, lifting a hand to his brow in preparation to head back to his prison. With one last smile, he was gone.

On the mantelpiece, a small orange orb filled with four glittering red stars gleamed in reply. It would not let them forget.

Finis.