Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ C'est la vi ❯ Quatre ( Chapter 4 )

Disclaimer: Disclaimer? DISCLAIMER? WE DON'T NEED NO STEENKING DISCLAIMER!

C'est la vi

Chapter Quatre

Rae says: Heheh, Quatre… ANYway, I think I've started a new fad. DBZ fanfic parodies. They're everywhere! I wonder if it's possible to parody a parody…

Bob, the blue cow, says: MooooooooowahahahahahahahaHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!!!

Rae says: Oh Gods, he's gotten into the Mike's Hard Lemooonade again. Now the milk supply is gonna make me tipsy all week…

"Goku?" Cried Bulma.

"Goku!" Cried Krillin.

"Kakarot!!!" Cried gee-I-wonder.

"Oh Goku!" Cried Chichi. "You're back! I missed you!"

He perked up. "You did?"

"No, I just miss getting laid."

"La... Laid? What's that?" He scratched his head as per the Laws of DBZ decree, and grinned vacuously.

She patted his arm and led him away from the cursed Funhouse of Fanfiction. "Never mind, dear. I'll tell you when you're older."

Suddenly, that strange yet universally recognized thumping noise started up again. "Hey!" Goku, who had been looking around for Gohan and totally not noticing his other son staring up at him in awe, wondered aloud, "What's that thumping noise?"

And before anyone could do a thing to stop him, he honed in on the source of the noise (and the ki of his hormonally driven offspring, both of which was emanating from the same proximity, what a coincidence) and zoomed toward towards them, AND the Funhouse that, well, housed them.

"Oh shit," Vegeta muttered, hoping that what Goku was about to discover wouldn't cause him to instantly go to an even higher level of Super Saiyan that he himself would take decades to reach.

"Mommy, what's shit?" Trunks asked, all wide-eyed and innocent.

"Don't even start with that, young man, you are well aware of its meaning and the fact that thanks to your father you know even more obscenities than I do!" She screeched, still pissed-off that Vegeta had managed to blow up the gravity room twelve times in one day before departing for this "park".

"Well when you put it that way…" he frowned, and glanced at his father who was, in case you hadn't guessed, smirking proudly. Arrogant son of a bitch, isn't he?

Unfortunately, before the author could write any more disparaging remarks that the prince would only take as flattery, a scream ripped through the air.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

S ee?

"What the fuck?" exclaimed Chichi, of all people, as her hubby ran out of the Funhouse of Fanfiction, clutching his head and flickering back and forth between Super Saiyan and Regular Saiyan. The partially-clothed rubescent post-pubescent Gohan and Videl soon followed, embarrassed as all-hell that their visitor had to catch them in such a… compromising… position.

Still panicking and hyperventilating, "I… I saw fanfiction… Bad, bad fanfiction… And Mary Sues… And grammar, such evil grammar! … And then there was this image of these two people doing something really icky… And then there they were! On the floor! With handcuffs! And leather! And whips! Whipped cream! Blindfolds! And for some Kami-forsaken reason, a bottle of Windex! And a collectible plate with Kermit the Frog on it! And they were doing bad, bad things with it! And then before I could cover my eyes, I realized!"

"Realized what?" Everyone asked, both eager for and afraid of the answer.

Goku turned and pointed at his son and future daughter-in-law, addressing them and glaring darkly. "YOU!"

A pause.

Everyone waited in apprehension.

"WERE!"

Pins and needles, man, pins and needles. Don't know why, so don't ask.

More pausing.

The air was thick with an undefinable tension.

"Playing charades without me!"

The entire group breathed a sigh of relief, then proceeded to facevault at their "hero's" apparent stupidity. Krillin, 18, and Marron flew away because Goku's hair was scaring the poor little girl, and also the author was too lazy to try and keep track of all the characters at one time. And yes, the three perverts were still unconscious on the park bench, forgotten until closing time when they were woken up then thrown in the slammer for hitting on the female security guard.

"Goku, you are quite possibly the world's stupidest inhabitant!" Chichi yelled, starting to pull THE FRYING PAN FROM HELLLLLLL!!!!!!!! out of thin air.

"Why, thanks, Ch--"

*BONK*

He fell to the ground. To make a long story short ("Too late!" Oh shaddap you people who've watched "Clue" 12 too many times), he stood up a few minutes later, scowling and vituperating under his breath.

"What? Goku swearing?" Exclaimed Bulma. "What is the world coming to?"

"Now who the FUCK is Goku? I'm Kakarot, goddammit!" Said… um… the Earth's first UFO. From now on, think of him as a high-on-aphrodisiacs Sammy L. Jackson in a Goku-suit. "Get outta my way, I've got to blow up this motherfuckin' planet, bitchass!"

"Yes!!!" Vegeta exclaimed, pumping his fist in the air. "His original programming has been restored! Kakarot! Bow down to your prince!"

He obliged, bending to one knee. "Yes, your highness."

Then as Vegeta started on his I-am-the-Prince-of-all-Saiyans-hear-me-roar schpiel, Gok--I mean, Kakarot, slowly stood, walked up to the other man and, slapping him upside the head, yelled, "PSYCHE!!!" And errupted in an enormous fit of laughter. Maniacal laughter. Weird…

Vegeta rubbed the back of his head and glared as everyone else looked at, uh, Kakarot, in absolute horror.

"Goku! What's gotten into you?"

He glanced at Chichi in response to her clamor. "Who the hell are you?"

"I'm your wife!"

"My wife? Don't you mean, mate? After all, we've got to be as unconnected to reality as we possibly can with this, right?" A devilish smirk crossed his face, unnerving to say the least, as she nodded. "Well then!" He proceeded to grab her and, using his instant transmission technique, transported them to their empty house in the middle of nowhere, even though that method of travel relies on another ki to work, but we'll just ignore that minor detail for now.

Fifteen minutes later, as everyone continued to stand there in shock, the pair returned, slightly disheveled and quite, uh, happy-looking. "Mmm, baby, that was the best wild animalistic monkey--"

The rest of the group covered their ears, with Gohan screaming, "I DON'T need to hear this! I'm gonna be scarred for life!"

Videl nudged him. "It's not like they did anything we haven't done. Being a macho sex machine must run in the family."

He blushed. "Not the point. Not the point at all."

Ignoring their banter, Kakarot announced. "I've changed my mind. If I'm gonna be getting THIS kind of action, this planet is waaaaay too valuable to blow up."

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Vegeta scowled. Surprise, surprise. Then they all went home. Six Flags was a pretty boring place, anyhow.

Rae says: People, you need to think up some more cliches, I'm running out of material here…

Moving on…

Kakarot suddenly spotted his Mini-Me. "What the fuck? What's with the clone?"

"He's not a clone, dear, he's your son Goten. And don't use that language around him!"

"You didn't mind dirty talking when it was just us…"

"DAD!" Whined our favorite Z-teen.

And life went on as normal. If you call a highly belligerent foul-mouthed horndog taking the place of an oblivious nincompoop normal, then I suppose that statement would be somewhat accurate.

Rae: Oh, I'm sorry! Was I supposed to put some big climactic ending in here or something, because you people JUST CAN'T WAIT until the next chapter?

Audience: YA THINK?!?!?!?!

Bob the blue cow: Mooooooohehehee…..

Rae: God, he's still drunk. Fine, fine, fine. I'll think up something…

Several days after the Six Flags incident, Goten and Trunks were sparring just for the hell of it, when Trunks got an evil glint in his eye.

Goten was immediately on alert. "NOW what evil mischievous prank are you plotting?"

"Well…" his best friend began. "I was thinking… About going on a Dragonball hunt."

"What for?"

"To get the Dragonballs and make a wish! Duh! What else would they be used for?" He paused as the author planted freaky images in his head, and he shuddered. "Don't answer that."

"Well, what do you want to wish for?"

Trunks grinned evilly, looking like an exact replica of his father, only shorter. And purple. Gotta love the purple. "You'll see."

So, like, the boys swiped the dragon radar, found all the balls, and summoned the dragon (heh heh heh… that could make for a NASTY innuendo… Don't ask, children, don't ask.).

"WHAT ARE YOUR WISHES, SHORT PURPLE ONE?"

Trunks took a deep breath. "I wish for all the fuckwit fanfiction writers on the planet to disappear!"

"THAT IS BEYOND MY POWER. I CANNOT MAKE DISAPPEAR ALL EIGHT BILLION, NINE HUNDRED NINETY-NINE MILLION, NINE HUNDRED NINETY-NINE THOUSAND, NINE HUNDRED EIGHTY-EIGHT BAD FANFICTION WRITERS! CHOOSE A NEW WISH!"

"Fucker. Any takers, Goten?"

"Yeah! Eternal dragon-man or whatever! Make my daddy the way he was before Mommy hit him on the head with a frying pan! I haven't gotten a good night's sleep since it happened!"

"YOUR WISH IS GRANTED." The dragon paused as, on the other side of the earth, someone was heard screaming, "NOOOOOO!!!!!!!! My libido!!! Goooooooone!!"

All three sweatdropped. "Er, TELL ME YOUR SECOND WISH."

The two demi-saiyans put their heads together and, upon disentangling their hair, came up with the perfect wish. "DRAGON!" Trunks announced. "PLEASE GET RID OF EVERY SINGLE FRYING PAN FROM HELLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ON THE PLANET!"

"YOUR WISH IS GRANTED! THANK YOU FOR USING DRAGONBALLS! DON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT THEM!"

Trunks and Goten did a little dance as the seven balls zoomed to all corners of their spherical planet. They assumed that nothing would ever control them ever again. Suddenly (because this stuff never happens except suddenly, it's like a law) Gohan appeared and began castigating them. "You guys! What were you thinking???"

"Uuumm… Big Brother, we only did it out of self-preservation!"

"Ok kid, first of all this is not 1984 so you will not refer to me as "Big Brother," got it? Secondly, you got rid of the FRYING PAN FROM HELLLLLL!!!!!!!!, but you forgot about the ROLLING PIN OF DEATH!!!!!!!!!!"

They all cringed and began to run for their lives as a certain black-haired harpy appeared on the horizon, kicking up dust and brandishing said device of torture. Hey, they deprived her of her only sourse of, ahem, fun. What was she supposed to do, sleep with Vegeta?

Hm……

= = = = = = = = = = = =

Magna gratias ago ad DZ McKnight for her assistance while writing this chapter. Granted, she does not like DBZ, but I think we can forgive her that in lieu of her extensive knowledge of unusual sex toys. However, her disregard for the genius of Episode II is going to get her beaten with her own severed arm one day…

More thanks to my beloved regular reviewers, them being: Chibi Beji, Ttrin, SMDSP, Jessibelle67, Stef-chan, and anyone else I might've missed. You guys rock. I'm getting reviews from famous people! Yeah!

Email me georgeorwellisgod@hotmail.com if you have some more prettyful cliches I can mock, because it seems I might only have enough left for one more chaper!!!! That's IT! AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!

Um, yeah. And like, review, dudes.