Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Crazy Lumberjack Syndrome ❯ Crazy Lumberjack Syndrome ( Chapter 1 )

Author's notes: Random insanity because I feel randomly insane. This is not meant to be taken seriously. I say that because I know there are people out there who will take offense to practically anything. I got the inspiration from this fic from an episode of Ren and Stimpy, the one about the crazy lumberjack,so that should give you an indication of how randomly bizarre this will be. So, enjoy.

Disclaimer: I don't own DragonBall Z or any of its characters…but I do own the flying hamsters.

Krillin and the Crazy Lumberjack.

By SevenInchSprockets.

"I'm a Lumberjack and I'm okay."

"I work all night and I sleep all day.."

They'd just returned from a very enjoyable afternoon with the Son family. Lunch had been delicious, as usual. Chi-Chi was a master in the kitchen, and loved to show off her talents whenever she and Goku had guests. As soon as they had arrived home Krillin had immediately gone upstairs to shower; Goku had asked him to spar with him again, whilst Juuhachi had busied herself with putting away all the food that Chi-Chi had insisted they take with them (cooking for three saiyans always meant that she would prepare too much) and generally making sure the house was in good, clean, working order. It was then she noticed the absence of certain individuals trying to peek a look under her skirt.

Her eyes narrowed. "Now, where have the pervert and the pig run off to?"

Her hand brushed something on the tabletop, and she picked up the crinkled and haphazardly scrawled note.

'Hey Krillin,

Saw an ad on T.V for the 23rd annual swimsuit contest. Must go. Hormones command us.

Will be back in three days. If we're not back by then, avenge our deaths.

Regards,

Roshi and Oolong

P.S: Juuhachi is HOT!!!!

She snorted, crushing it in her hand and chucking it into the bin. Damn perverts.

"Hey Mum?" Ten-year-old Marron poked her adorable little head around the corner, pigtails and all.

Juuhachi's scowl faded instantly. "Yes sweetie?"

"There's a message on the answering machine."

Juuhachi walked up to her daughter and gave her an affectionate rub on the head. "Well, let's go see who it is, shall we?" As she walked the distance to the machine however, the familiar scowl resurfaced on her beautiful face.

"Probably Roshi and Oolong calling to tell us how many pairs of tits they've seen so far." She shook her head slightly in disgust. "Dirty, dirty little perverts."

It wasn't a message from Roshi and Oolong, but what had been left on the machine disturbed her far more.

When it was over, Marron looked up at her mother, her expression one of great seriousness and concern.

"Mum? Is Uncle Juunana crazy?"

**

Krillin slicked his damp, dark hair back from his forehead. He sighed with relief. Sparring with Goku was always great fun, but God, you'd stink like a dead horse afterwards.

He padded his way to the kitchen, intent on getting himself a soda from the fridge, when he stopped cold. Leaning against the kitchen counter was his wife, her face set into a frown. He knew that look. Something was wrong.

"Juuhachi?" He asked uncertainly, hoping to God it wasn't something he'd done.

She ignored him for a moment, turning to address her daughter instead. "Marron, honey. Go and watch T.V."

"Okay." The girl replied somewhat reluctantly, and left for the living room.

"What's going on?" Krillin asked once their daughter was out of earshot. "What's wrong?"

She turned and walked out of the kitchen, motioning for him to follow her. He did so, walking down the hallway towards the front door. They stopped at the small table on which was alighted the answering machine. The display was flashing, one new message. Krillin looked at her in confusion.

She looked back at him, still frowning, and then pressed the play button. Krillin started when he heard the voice on the other end. "J-Juunanagou?"

Indeed, it was undoubtedly the voice of his estranged brother-in-law on the other end, but he sounded…different.

As a matter of fact, he sounded completely nuts.

"Hey….HEY! Juuhachi! You there! You'd better not be…hey, ya know what? I was right, all along! No one believed me…. but I KNEW! Look at 'em, they think they're sooooo good. Just standing there, looking at me, talking…they tell lies about me! ALL LIES! But I know the truth. I know their weakness. They think they can just stand there, shaking their green leafy at me. They think they'll wear me down, by sheer numbers! HAH! THEY ARE FOOLS! Do they know who they are dealing with? I'll-

He stopped speaking all of a sudden, and Krillin leaned in closer, both horrified and fascinated at the same time. He had to jump back and clamp both hands over his ears when Juunanagou suddenly let out an ear-piercing shriek.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! They've tapped the phone! The bastards! I'll get 'em! I'll teach you not to hurt my little animal friends! DIE! There was a loud crashing, and then Juunana's voice, further away this time, though still clear. LOOK OUT FOR TREES, IN THE CHARLIE!!! HERE COMES LUMBERJACK JUUNANGOU!!! AHHHHH!!!!!

Then the phone went dead.

Krillin blinked rapidly, clearly perturbed. "That…that was.."

"Not normal."

"Yeah." Krillin replied, rubbing the back of his head. "Definitely not normal."

It was then he noticed that Juuhachi was staring at him, with that look. He felt a cold chill pass over him. "What?"

"I want you to go over there and see what's wrong."

He jumped. "Me?! Why?"

She huffed. "You have noticed that your perverted little friends aren't here, haven't you?"

"Yeah, but…"

"That means one of us has to stay here and look after Marron, doesn't it?"

"But…but…"

She glared at him then, cold blue eyes flashing dangerously. He sweat dropped, backing away from her and holding up his hands in a gesture of defeat. That particular look meant 'do as I say or you're in for a huge ass kicking.'

"Okay, okay! I'm going! Sheez…"

Moments later he was in the air, flying at top speed and mentally kicking himself. "Dammit! Why do I always get myself into these things?" He groaned, wondering how on earth he was going to deal with his now clearly insane brother-in-law, when a sudden idea occurred to him. He brightened somewhat, and swiftly changed course, heading towards Goku's house.

"Oh well. If I'm gonna have to deal with a psychotic cyborg, I'd better have someone with me who can help prevent my untimely death."

**

"Hey Krillin?"

"Yeah?"

"Why are we here again?"

Krillin groaned. "I told you Goku. We got a message from Juunanagou and he sounded completely off his rocker so Juuhachi sent me to find out what was wrong." He saw the Saiyan open his mouth to speak once more, but Krillin beat him to it.

"And you're here to prevent anyone from getting killed. Namely me."

"Oh." Goku nodded, obviously satisfied. "Okay."

They were standing in front of the small cabin that Juunana called home. Krillin noticed with some anxiety that the outside walls were scrawled with graffiti, obviously Juunana's own doing. Under any other circumstance, phrases such as 'If it rains, ostriches will come and pledge their allegiance to me' and 'All sea monkeys must check in via back door' would have caused him to simply raise an eyebrow in confusion or to have a short chuckle. But at the moment, his stomach was so twisted up with dread he thought he was going to puke. Behind him, Goku giggled.

"Ha! Look at that! Sea Monkeys! Hahaha!"

Krillin glared at him, then slid silently towards the front door, his heart pounding harshly against the inside of his ribcage. He raised a trembling hand and knocked, very timidly, on the front door. He waited. There was no response.

He let out the breath he had been holding in a whoosh of relief. "Well, I guess he's-

The door flew suddenly, revealing Juunana, holding his axe with a crazed look in his normally stoic blue eyes.

"Who disturbs Juunanagou?!"

Both Krillin and Goku jumped back with a squeal.

"Holy Shit!" Krillin spluttered, unable to control the epithet as it left his mouth. Behind him, Goku tsk-tsked, mumbling something about obscenities and how FUNimation didn't like them. Whatever the hell that meant.

Juunana blinked and looked straight at them, as though seeing them for the first time. A crooked grin appeared on his lips.

"Well, well. If it isn't the midget…" His eyes shifted from Krillin to Goku. "And the monkey!"

"Sea Monkeys! Hahaha!"

Krillin swallowed nervously. "Ah…Juunana? W-we…uh…we got your message and…well…"

His words were cut off as Juunana grabbed him by the face. "In with you, pitiful mortal!" He thundered, tossing Krillin through the front door like a sack of potatoes. He grabbed Goku, who was still thrashing around on the ground laughing, by the seat of his pants and chucked him into the house also. Goku squealed with delight as he sailed through the air.

Krillin landed painfully on his rear. "Shit!" He cursed, rubbing his now-sore tailbone.

Goku landed beside him. "Krillin! No swearing!" He leaned over and whispered in his ear. "The editors might hear you."

Krillin stared at him, aghast. "What the fuck? Don't tell me Goku's gone off his nut too!"

Goku frowned. "I heard that."

"So…" Juunana's voice interrupted them. "You little pussies wanna become lumberjacks, do you?"

"Wha.." Krillin was confused. "No… we came because-

"SILENCE!"

Krillin immediately shut up. Goku meekly raised his hand.

"J-Juunana? I-I wanna be a lumberjack…"

"Excellent!" Juunana crowed, slapping them both on the back. Krillin's spine made an odd popping sound. Juunana turned, producing a chalkboard out of nowhere, and began furiously drawing something on it. Goku jiggled up and down excitedly.

"Yay! Pictionary! It's a cat! No…wait. A jumbo jet!"

Juunana pointed at the badly drawn image. "This is a tree!"

"Oh."

Juunana straightened a little, his tone becoming softer. "Now, people say to me, 'Juunana, why do you cut down the trees?' And I'll say, 'cause it gives me lots of cash?' Eh? Eh?" He leaned down towards them, a sweet smile on his face, nodding as if he wanted them to agree with what he just said.

Goku and Krillin cast wary glances at each other, and then nodded with him.

"NO!"

The force of the sound sent them both reeling backwards. He picked them up by the throat, shaking them fiercely.

"These people are fools!" He brought them both closer to his face, sneering. "They do not know of the eternal struggle of man versus wood!"

He deposited them both back on the floor. Goku's face was an unhealthy shade of blue, yet he was grinning like an idiot. Krillin's neck had funny finger shaped indentations on it.

"Trees are dangerous, conniving, fiendish and totally without any fashion sense!" He leaned closer again, voice lowered to a whisper. "They're always around, watching, waiting for the right moment to strike. And then…BAMN! Out with the green leafys! Once they pull that trick on you, you've got no chance." He leaned closer still. " And you must never allow any timber into your home. Never! That's how they spy on you!"

It was then that Krillin noticed the entire cabin was constructed out of Leggo. He slapped his forehead. "How the hell did I miss that?"

Goku stood suddenly, puffing his chest out and posing his dramatic I'm-the-hero pose. "Darn those trees! They're a bunch of aunt sallies!" (FUNimation censorship hard at work there!)

Krillin stared up at him. "What the hell are you doing? Sit down!"

"But…" Goku pouted. "Trees…lumberjack…"

Krillin groaned. "I should have brought Vegeta."

"Listen!" Juunana dragged them both towards the single window in his Leggo house. "They're talking again! We must listen, so we can discover what diabolical schemes they are planning!" All three stood stock still, straining their ears. Well, Juunana and Goku were anyway. Krillin was busy pondering why his life sucked so much.

"Hmmm" Juunana's eyes narrowed as he 'listened' to whatever the trees were conversing about. "I can't quite…wait…" He scrunched up his nose, listening. "At 0800 hours…. will infiltrate…WHAT? CHEW THROUGH MY BALL SACK?! HOW DARE YOU!!!"

He blasted off through the window, screaming. "I'll teach you not to put your green leafys on my ball sack! Eyyyyaaaaaaahhhhh!"

Goku whooped in excitement and made to follow the deranged cyborg, but Krillin grabbed onto the back of his pants. "What do you think you're doing?"

Goku was visibly trembling with anticipation at the prospect of dispatching a few murderous trees. "Must…. lumberjack…. meanie trees…. Earth depending on me…."

"Oh, whatever." Krillin released him, glaring. "You know, you really are an idiot."

"Yes! Yes sir I am! Thank you!" With that he flew off, crowing with excitement.

**

"Alright! Alright! I'm coming!"

Keeping the towel from slipping from her with one hand, she snatched up the phone receiver in the other. "What?"

"Juuhachi? It's Krillin."

"Oh. Where are you?"

"At your brother's." In the distance, Juuhachi heard a tearing sound, and someone cursing.

"What was that?"

"That was your brother. He's currently in the process of mauling an oak tree."

Juuhachi blinked in surprise. "And…. why is that?"

Krillin sighed. "Long story short, he believes that trees are evil, demonic creatures hell-bent on the destruction of the human race, and that he is the one-man stand between us and total annihilation."

"Oh." Juuhachi clicked her tongue, thinking. "Alright. Stay right there, I'll be over soon."

Krillin nearly choked. "What? What about Marron?"

"I'll bring her with me." She hung up before he had a chance to argue, and then shouted down the hall. "Marron sweetie! Get dressed! We're going to Uncle Juunana's!"

"But Uncle Juunana's crazy!"

"It's all right! Just don't look him in the eye and you'll be fine!"

"Okay Mum!"

**

"Hah!" Juunana pointed at a nearby bush. "They're sending in ground troops! The fools think they can overpower me!" He tackled the plant and ripped from its roots, chewing on it savagely. After a moment he cackled, foam bubbling at the corners of his mouth. "Stupid trees! You'll never win!"

Krillin yawned, idly watching the whole scene as he waited for his wife and daughter to arrive. He observed Goku head-butting a thick, sturdy redwood, and wondered how long it would take before the idiot knocked himself out.

A slight gust of wind against his back alerted him to the arrival of his wife, and he looked back at her just as she touched down, holding Marron safely in her arms.

"Hey Juuhachi."

"Hey." She smiled down at her daughter. "Look Marron! A Leggo house! Why don't you go and play while Daddy and I talk to the deranged lunatic?"

"Okay!" The little girl raced off, and Juuhachi moved to stand beside her husband.

"So, this is what's been happening?"

"Yep. For about the past fifteen minutes. I brought Goku along, but as you can see, he hasn't been much help."

"Hmm." Juuhachi nodded, watching her brother. He was still assaulting the bush when his eyes rolled into the back of his head and began convulsing. Krillin groaned.

"What now?"

Juuhachi walked over to Juunana's trembling form, and plucked a leaf from the now ripped and torn foliage. She studied for a moment, and then scoffed.

"Poison Ivy." She chuckled, gazing down at her brother. "Juunana, you are such a child."

"Hey!" Goku had given up on the redwood, and was now watching Juunana's fit with keen interest. "That looks like fun! Can I convulse too?"

Juunana stopped twitching, and looked up at him in all seriousness. "Sure, but it'll cost ya."

"I'll go get my wallet!" And in a flash, Goku was gone.

"He's such an idiot." Juunana mumbled. "Now back to convulsing." And he collapsed into helpless spasms once again.

"Well." Krillin said after Goku had gone. "This is getting very old, very fast. What do you suggest we do?"

"You wait here." Juuhachi took to the air. "I'll be back shortly."

"Where are you going?"

"Never you mind. Just stay here and make sure he doesn't swallow his tongue."

Krillin sighed. "Okay. But hurry up. I'm getting foam on my shoes."

**

Juuhachi returned about half an hour later. Krillin noticed with some confusion she was carrying with her a beautiful, busty young woman.

"Who's this?" Krillin asked.

"She's not for you." Juuhachi hissed, pushed past her husband. She prodded her Juunana with her boot. "Juunana! Snap out of it!"

He stopped twitching and looked up at her. Juuhachi smiled.

"Juunana, this is Courtney. She likes swimming, reading, playing squash and romantic evenings at the beach, and she's a Libra. She wants to have sex with you. Lots of sex. NOW."

Juunana jumped up, eyes wide. "Woohoo!" He picked up Courtney, who giggled, and raced full pelt into his Leggo cabin. Marron came sailing out the window a moment later. Juuhachi caught her with ease.

"Mummy! Who was that lady?"

"That's Uncle Juunana's therapist.'

"Oh."

Krillin shook his head, not quite believing what he'd just seen. "But Juuhachi…how is that supposed to…"

Juuhachi rolled her eyes, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "CLS, Krillin. Crazy Lumberjack Syndrome. Don't you ever watch the Discovery Channel?"

"But…"

"Frankly I'm surprised he didn't succumb to it sooner. He's been out here, what…fifteen years? I warned him, I said 'Juunana if you don't get your act together and try to have some basic human contact and try to have sex at least once a month you'll end up a crazy lumberjack. Then you'll start mauling flora and molesting bears and god knows what else.' I'm just glad we got to him before he progressed to the molesting bears stage."

"But.." Unable to process all this new information, Krillin's face imploded, causing him to collapse into a heap on the ground. Juuhachi snorted, slinging her diminutive husband over her shoulder, and flew off, leaving her brother to continue with his 'therapy.'

**

Several months later…..

"Ahhhh…" Krillin rubbed his full belly in satisfaction, a contented smile on his (now un-imploded) face. "That was delicious, as usual. Thank you, Chi-Chi!"

"You're most welcome, Krillin." Chi-Chi gathered up the dirty plates, and left for the kitchen. Juuhachi followed, politely offering to help.

"So…" Krillin leaned forward in his seat, looking across the table to where Juunana and Courtney sat. "No more problems with the native flora, I assume?"

Juunana laughed. "Aw, heck no. I couldn't give a stuff about those stupid trees." Suddenly his face hardened. "Although, I still hate maple trees." His grip on his fork tightened, causing the metal to bend. "Whenever I see a maple I just wanna start poking eyes and slashing guts…"

Courtney reached over and grabbed his hand, placing it on her ample bosom. He visibly relaxed. "Whew…thanks honey."

Krillin blinked, stunned. Then his face imploded again. In her seat next to him, Marron whined.

"Mum! Daddy's doing it again!"

**

Elsewhere…..

Goku was flying around(for God knows what reason) when he spotted a petrol station and….Piccolo! Goku landed beside him, grinning.

"Heya Piccolo! Whatcha doing?"

"Nothing. Just standing."

"Cool! Can I stand with you?"

"Sure, but it'll cost ya."

"I'll got get my wallet!" And in a flash, Goku was gone.

"He's such an idiot." Piccolo muttered. "Now back to standing."

THE END!!! (THANK GOD)

Well, that was completely and utterly pointless. But heaps of fun to write. Please review, or I will strike you down with Crazy Lumberjack Syndrome.