Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Interview With Juunanagou! ❯ Interview With Juunanagou! ( Chapter 1 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

A strange looking girl in black with huge glasses pops up out of nowhere and grins.
"Hi! Ryosei Takashi Hime here! Ruler of all that is strange and/or Juunanagou and all that good stuff. Today is the best day ever! May the 12th! Juunanagou's brithday! Or so I've marked it anyways." she adds with a sheepish grin. "In celebration I have hunted down this ever elusive creature and decided to interview him."
Ryosei procedes to jump up and down excitedly, squeeling like the obsessed fan that she is. She calms herself before gesturing to a wooden cabin behind her.
"As you can see from our location we've entered the DBZ world during the seven years of peace before Buu's arrival. He should be rather docile now but I'm still going to be as catious as possible."
She runs up to Juunanagou's door and knocks loudly. She turns to the cameraman (Devin) again and puts on a serious face.
"We're going to be very professional about this. I don't want him killing me or anything so I'm going to remain cool, calm and colle-"
"What the hell do you want?" Juunanagou asks, opening the door.
"JUUNANAGOU!!" Ryosei screams, glomping him.
The camera shakes as Devin smacks himself in the head. Juunanagou's eyes widen and he just stares down at the girl attached to his waist then over at the boy with the camera. He looked quite perplexed at the situation.
"Who are you?"
"I'm Ryosei-Hime!" she exclaims, releasing him and making Sailor Moon - like hand movements. "Ruler and protector of all that is strange and/or.....you." She stops and grins like an idiot.
"This is the strangest dream I've ever had. Excuse me while I wake myself up." Juunana says, taking a step back.
He smacks himself in the face and Ryosei gasps, her own face overcome with the utmost of horror. He stands there staring at them for a minute then sighs.
"Dammit. I'm awake."
"Oh! Juunana Bannana! You hurt yourself!"
"What did you just call me?" he asks, eyes narrowing.
"Nothing." she replies quickly. "I just said I'm here for an interview! Note the camerman and the notepad of note-taking power!"
She holds her notebook up and with great ethusiasm waves it in his face. He just stares straight ahead with an exasperated look.
"The only notes I see are my name." he replies calmly. "And badly drawn hearts."
She retracts her notepad of note-taking power and hugs it close to her chest.
"Nonsense! There are other....useful things...."
"Yeah." Devin says grinning. "She uses it for writing down names to call me too."
"You shut up. Spoothead." she mutters, looking resentful. "I take notes of other things too."
"Like how long her toenails have gotten! Show 'im your toenails Ryosei! They're like a foot long, yo!"
Ryosei blushes and smacks Devin with her notepad of note-taking power repeatitivly.
"Shut up! That's none of his business!" she screams, abusing her cousin with much visciousness. "Just cause I'm trying to break a world record doesn't mean I don't care what people think about my toenails! What's wrong with you?! Keep your big mouth shut! I have half the mind to beat you senseless!"
"I think you already did that a long time ago." he says laughing.
"...You're right." she says stopping. "I only further the problem this way. I'm making you watch Sailor Moon later. That seems sufficent enough punishment."
She turns back to face Juunanagou only to have the door closed in her face. The two of them stand there for a moment, staring at the door. Ryosei blinks a couple of times then suddenly starts crying hysterically. She slams against the door and slides to the ground.
"Juunanagou hates me! I don't deserve to live!" she sobs. "I need a window to jump out of! Where's my sword!? No! I don't deserve an honorable Samurai suicide! Someone give me a shotgun! Call Vegeta and tell 'im to use me for target practice! I'm gonna find a street to lie in and wait for someone to run over me!"
"I don't think we'll find any here Ryosei." Devin says, taping her blubbering calmly.
"Oh. Right. Well then....Juunanagou! Come out and kill me yourself! No, wait! That's too honorable a death too! I can't even find a low enough way to kill myself! That's how dishonored I am! Why do you hate me so?!"
The door swings open, causing Ryosei to fall at his feet. She smiles slightly as Juunanagou stares down at her angrily.
"If I do this stupid interview will you two idiots go away and never come within five thousand miles of me again?"
She clutches her notepad and pencil and nods excitedly. He sighs and walks inside. Ryosei wasn't hesitant to follow him and almost ran into him in the process. She starts running around looking at things and picking things up, turning things over, sitting on his couch and babbling about never bathing again as she rolled around on his carpet. He just watches her until she gets to the rolling on the ground part.
"Are you finished?"
"No."
She jumps up and runs down the hall. He watches in shock as she jumps on his bed and begins to wallow in it, sighing and hugging his pillow. He looks over at Devin who was laughing and he immediately grows silent.
"Is she crazy?"
"Pretty much."
"Why is she interviewing me?"
"She's obsessed with you."
"Why?"
"She's crazy! How'm I suppose to know?!"
He sighs and walks down the hall to stop beside the bed calmly. Ryosei looks up curiously and smiles at him with a laugh.
"Hi. Your bed's comfy."
"I know. Now get out of it before it gets contaminated and I have to buy a new one."
She pouts as she stands, still clutching his pillow.
"Put the pillow down."
"But...can I have it? Pwease?"
"No!"
She slobbers on it and Juunanagou looks grossed out.
"Can I have it now?"
"Yes." he sighs. "Can we just get this over with?"
"Okies!"
She latches onto his arm as they make their way to the kitchen. He removes her from his arm forcefully when they reach their destination and pushes her into a chair where she sits, still hugging his pillow. He sits down on the opposite side of the table, crossing his arms.
"Now, what do you want to ask me?"
"Umm...Will you marry me?"
"No."
"Aw."
"Next question. Before my tolerence for idiotcy drops and I'm forced to kill you in a most unpleasent way."
"Okies." she whimpers, burying her face in the pillow. "What kind of shampoo do you use?"
"Head and Shoulders."
Ryosei inhales the scent of the pillow and grins before taking out her notepad of note-taking power and writing it down, planning to never wash her hair with anything else from this day forth. After writing this down she resumes huggling his pillow and moves on.
"What's your favorite food?"
"I don't eat."
She stares at him with big eyes.
"What?"
"How do you live?"
"I don't need to eat. Sometimes I eat squirrel if I feel like it. Or rabbit. Deer. Those kinda things."
"You kill innocent woodland creatures?!"
"I kill innocent humans all the time. What's your point?"
"B-but....they're just itty bitty defenseless babies." she sobs. "Why would you hurt them?"
"I don't think you get it crazy onna. I. Kill. For. Fun."
She stops sobbing and returns to the notepad of note-taking power to write this down.
"That answers my question about your hobbies. What kind of music do you listen to?"
"I don't."
"No music at all?"
"I enjoy the occasional Opera and sometimes pieces from the Baroque period with something from the Romantic now and then to fill the void." he replies with a sophisticated air.
"Really?"
"No! I don't have electricity! How do you think I'd listen to the radio without electricity?"
"Okay. Do you ever make your own music out of boredom?"
"No."
"Do you sing in the shower?"
"No."
"Do you ever go completely and totally insane and write a certain phrase all over your walls, like perhaps your name?"
Juunanagou looks around at the walls then back at Ryosei like she's crazy.
"No. What kind of question is that?"
"...Just a random one. Nothing more."
"Nah. She did that once. It was bamma yo! Grandma was all like 'What the hell's going on in here?!' and Ryosei was all. 'I'm not nuts man.' and Grandma was like 'That's it! I'm sending you to a psychiatrist.' And it was just bamma. Seriously."
Juunanagou laughs and Ryosei blushes.
"That's it! I'm making you watch the dub version of Sailor Moon now!" she shouts, whacking him with her notepad of note-taking power a few times for good measure. "Moving on. Juunanagou-sama, how do you feel about Trunks?"
"Who?"
"Oh, wait. That was a question for Miria Juunanagou."
"Miria? What're you, a time traveler now?"
"Sort of. More like interdeminsional travelers. But yeah, time too."
"Then who's this Trunks guy? Do I kill him in the future or something?"
"Not exactly....It's sorta...."
"No, man! Trunks whoops your ass in the future timeline!" Devin informs him enthusiastically. "Your all, 'Damn I suck.' and Trunks is like 'Yeah. I'm da man.' Cause Trunks is awesome like toast."
Juunanagou gives him the evil eye and he gulps, returning to quietly taping the interview in fear of his life. Ryosei laughs nervously and fiddles with the pillow and notepad. She waves her hands in front of her to get his attention. "Juu-kun. Um....Devin's a little slow in the head. He has no idea what he's talking about. I swear, you win. You kick so much ass. Really. You...show him....what for...." she whispers, clutching the pillow. "Damn you Trunks! You cheater!"
"Where is he now?" Juunanagou asks smirking. "I'll go kill him if you hate him so much."
"You are way, way stronger than him right now." she mutters thoughtfully. "He's only a little kid. Toddler even...."
"Ryosei! You'll screw this timeline up and create another one if you do that."
"Shut up Devin! It'll be a better timeline!"
"What if a chain of events created by Seventeen killing Trunks causes Seventeen to be killed a few years later. Maybe it'll make Vegeta go SS3 or something?"
"You're right! One Juunanagou's gone! I can't lose this one too!"
"Two Seventeens." Devin corrects.
"Yeah. I always forget about that other timeline where Cell killed Trunks and stole his time machine. Speaking of which..." she says turning back to Juunanagou. "Do you know what happened when your other two future selves died? I mean did their souls become a part of your soul again or something? Were they completely different people with their own souls or what?"
"I didn't even know I had two future selves until you said something. Why would I know what happened to their souls?"
"I dunno." she says shrugging. "Did you feel anything when either of them died?" "I don't know. Can we get off the subject of the future and souls? It's pissing me off."
"Why?"
"It is okay?! Ask the rest of your questions before I kill you!"
"Eep!" she squeeks, putting the pillow in front of her face like a shield."Okay. Okay. Um....Do you remember anything from before Gero...altered you?"
Juunanagou stares at her for a minute as she peeks out from behind her pillow shield.
"GET OUT!"
She curls up into the chair and shakes as she tries to shield herself with the pillow more.
"W-why?"
"Because I said so! OUT!"
He stands and kicks her chair over. She scrambles to her feet, rubbing her head with a hurt expression.
"I obviously over-stepped my boundaries here. Um...please....just give me one more chance. I won't mention anything of a sensitive nature, I promise. Please?" "Just get the hell out of my house!"
"Cabin." Devin corrects.
"Shut up!"
"Kay."
"Juu-kun...I...I won't say anything about Gero or Cell even. I mean I was going to ask you what it was like to be absorbed by him but....what with this...and....I promise....I won't say anything about either of them if you don't kick me out. P-please?!" she sputters, falling at his feet and hugging his legs. "For the love of your funky green socks don't kick me out!!!"
Juunanagou stares down at her again as she sobs into his jeans and kisses his hightops repeatitively. He looks at Devin who merely shrugs his shoulders. He sighs and puts a hand to his head.
"Get off my legs."
"Can I stay?" she whimpers.
"Yes."
"You know," she says, grabbing his pillow and hugging it once again as she stands. "You're really, really nice Juunanagou."
He growls as she smiles at him and sits back down.
"Just ask your questions and get out. I'm not in the mood to kill anyone today. That's the only reason you're still standing."
"And the fact that you find me adorable?" she asks, blinking her eyes seductively.
"No." he states, causing her face to fall.
"I take it back. You're mean." she pouts, righting her chair and sitting again. "Good." he says grinning.
"I have a question here from a friend of mine too though I've promised not to reveal her identity. She fears for her life."
"Great. This oughta be a good one." he mutters.
"Kay. She wants to know if you are able to have children. Ya know....um...I promised I wouldn't mention...but...she...Don't kill me."
"There was no reason for him to mess with that." he whispers, dangerously calm. "Juuhachigou and I both retain much more of our humanity than people seem to give us credit for. If I chose to I could have as many bastards as I wanted." "Of course...there is evidence to support that fact later in the timeline...but she was just wondering if you had the ability to reproduce as well I guess."
"You mean.....Juuhachigou has a kid?!"
"...What?! No! No! No one said anything about children being born in the future! Lies!!! Lies and slander! You heard nothing!" she cries covering all but her eyes with the pillow. "Nothing I say!"
"Gah! With that Q-ball?! I can't believe it!" Juunanagou cries, clenching his fists and shaking. "How could she....That's just....Why couldn't she atleast have picked one of the strong ones?! Why the monk?!"
"What? You'd rather she be with Vegeta?" Ryosei asks curiously.
"No! Just....Not the short guy!"
"Ooo! How about Piccolo?!" she asks joyfully. "That'd be neat!"
"No it would NOT!"
"Then who?"
"Gohan!" Devin exclaims.
"Or Trunks." Ryosei adds.
"Who is this Trunks bastard?!" he roars. "Did he go near my sister?! I thought you said he was a kid right now!"
"Well, he is a kid. Trunks was the guy with the purple hair and the sword. You fought him not long ago. Before....umm...the second person I'm not suppose to mention."
"I remember him."
"He came from the future to warn everyone about you cause you and Juuhachigou pretty much kick everyone's ass and destroy the majority of the world in his future."
"Awesome."
"Yeah. Then he came here....did some stuff....went back....killed Miria Juuhachigou and your future self."
"What?!"
"Yeah! He cheated! The cheating bastard! Without that year of training in the hyperbolic time chamber with Vegeta he'd never have gotten anywhere close to being able to defeat you! How dare he!"
"Umm...Shouldn't I be angrier than you?"
"Let her rant." Devin warns. "Trust me."
"....ruin your magnificence!" she continues. "That was just so wrong! GAH! I HATE YOU TRUNKS! I DON'T CARE HOW HOT YOU ARE!! DIE!!"
She picks her chair up and smashes it against the wall. She stands there huffing angrily as Juunanagou stares at her in surprise. He looks from the smashed chair to her then sighs and shakes his head.
"You do know I made that chair don't you?"
"Ah! GOMEN!!" she cries, bowing. "I'll buy you a new one! Gomen, gomen, gomen, gomen! Please don't kill me?!"
"Are you finished with your interview yet?"
"No."
"Then finish now."
"Oh! Um...Well...." she mutters, flipping through her notepad of note-taking power. "Let's see....I was suppose to write all the questions down so I wouldn't forget them. How about....uh... What was it like.....No! I promised not to mention him! How about....How do you feel about...? GAH! I said I wouldn't mention him either!"
"Did all of your questions include Cell and Gero?"
"N-no...Of course not. Just all the serious ones." she says with a grin.
"Then ask the stupid ones."
"Kay. Um...Have you ever considered cutting your hair?"
"Why?"
"Some people think you might look even more kawaii with it short. If that's even humanly possible." she says with a grin.
"Since when do people use the word Kawaii to describe me?"
"....Um....Since the existence of fangirls."
"No. I'm not cutting my hair."
"Kay. Why not?"
"Because I like it this way. Next question."
"How do you feel about Pokemon?"
"What?"
"Pokemon."
"What the hell's a pokemon?"
"Ah...Nevermind. That's answer enough I guess. What does it feel like to be a sex object?"
"A what?!"
"...to lots of Juunana Fangirls/boys anyways."
"Fanboys?! Guys drool over me?!"
"Um...yeah..I'm sure there's alot though I've only ever met two. So my next question will be, How does it feel to be a sex object in the eyes of men as well?"
"What do you think it feels like?! That's disgusting!"
"Hey now! It is not! You're only saying that cause you're a straight guy."
"...Your point?!"
"Okay, okay...Guess I don't have to ask the 'Are you gay?' question." she says with a sigh. "How would you feel about the Shounen Ai/Yaoi fics written between you and any number of the Z-senshi. Mostly Trunks?"
"What?!" he cries, clenching the arms of his chair, veins popping out of his forehead.
"Oooo. Yeah. We should get off that subject, shouldn't we?"
"YES!"
Ryosei pulls a large cue card from her notebook and holds it up. A picture of Trunks was crudely taped to it.
"Do you think that if you cut your hair like Trunks' and died it purple, you would be mistaken for him?"
"No."
"Why not? I think you would other than the slanted eyes. It would be cool. Like having another twin. Only a brother instead of a sister."
"No."
"Fine." she sighs, putting the picture of Trunks away. "I need to return that to Amanda's bedroom wall before she discovers it's missing. Anyways, would you ever consider stripping as a career?"
"What were you on when you wrote these questions?" he asks calmly.
"Mountain Dew."
"What kind of sadistic, brain killing drug is that?"
"It's a type of soda. So what's your answer?"
"No."
"But you'd make a good stripper." she pouts. "I'd give you your first job."
"I'd rather be castrated."
"That was mean."
"Yes it was. Are you quite finished yet?"
"No! I'm trying to find a question you'll say yes to."
"With your mind I doubt you'll come up with any."
"Do you miss Juuhachigou?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. Why would I miss her? She was almost as annoying as you."
"Are you sure you don't miss her even a little? I mean you are up here all by yourself. And no one really cares about you but her."
"Thank you for reminding me of that." he whispers icely.
"You're welcome!"
"Yes I miss her. Are you happy now?"
"Quite."
"Now that you've gotten a yes from me you can leave!"
"Wait! Not yet. I still have to give you your birthday present."
"Birth...day? How the hell do you know when my birthday is?! I don't even know when my birthday is!"
"Juunanagou....has anyone ever told you you're upset easily?"
He just glares at her as she smiles. She pulls a present from behind her and puts it in his lap.
"There. In addition to erecting a shrine to your greatest on the internet I have gotten you this. Along with this."
She stands and leans down to kiss him on the cheek. He blushes and his eyes get twice as big as their original size. Ryosei cackles as she throws the door open and speeds off. Devin looks around for a minute then notices Juunanagou's cold stare.
"Yeah. I gotta go."
He follows after Ryosei-Hime and Juunanagou sighs in relief as he closes the door behind him. He didn't think he'd ever met such a weird person in all his life. He focuses his attention on the package in his lap and debates on whether or not it was safe to open. He shrugs his shoulders as he rips the paper off and opens the box. Inside was a huge wooden heart with the number seventeen carved into it. It was obviously hand made. He sighs and chunks it in the trash as he stands.