Dragon Knights Fan Fiction ❯ Steal The Covers ❯ Tetheus ( Chapter 4 )

I was still cold and quite stiff too, in some places. My arm and right toe had been completely exposed last night, but my beloved was sleeping like an angel and I was afraid that if I'd moved, that intense creature would wake and I'd have lost a special moment: our first night; a feeling of bliss and doubt.

I tried flexing my muscles to get the warm blood flowing through the chilled parts of my body. Luckily, I have good circulation. I'd even be able to make a plausible signature soon.

I stopped once I saw them. I didn't call out or make my presence known. It may not have been the right thing to do; watching two other people in a private moment. I'm sure that it's especially wrong when you know that one has a crush on the other a mile wide and as heavy as the castle.

Even though it hurt I had to stay, to watch it all over again.

Looking at them, at how easy it came to them, I remembered the painful moments when I first started to reach out. That empathic "thank you" where a meaningful gaze was added: the one that said "I love you". I didn't blurt that out, no, I do have some tact. I understand how this game is supposed to be played. I've seen others do it. I've always watched others mingle, talk and fall in love. So I tried it myself. I tried really hard, to do it the way everyone else did, a step at a time.

Instead, I stayed a little longer, a little past the necessary conversation and onto books and art. I smiled once; it may have been a slight twinge of the lips, maybe no-one noticed, but it was there. It grew larger, over time, but stayed rare. That way, the smile was special. I didn't want it to appear forced - it wasn't forced; I meant it. I brought presents, small things, "I was there anyway and I knew that you liked these, so I got one. Pleasant little thing, isn't it?" They got more extravagant over time, but never over-bearing. Thoughtful, that was the key. Thoughtful and explainable as just a friendly gesture. Finally, we went to the theatre and while there, I made it obvious that it was a date. Small steps, little steps, the same steps that everyone else followed, until finally, I could think "I love you". Finally, I could say "I love you", but not while both of us were awake.

To survive, you have to armour-plate your heart.

In their own little world, Cernozura and Ruwalk chatted on and on. What was there so much to talk about? Try as I might, I couldn't fill in the words from the way their lips moved. I wondered if they'd kept it innocent, or if he was flirting a little too much with her. Was she pouring on the charm or suggesting intimacies of the type I'd enjoyed that morning? Was Ruwalk flushed from one conquest and enticing another?

And did he just flex a muscle? He did, didn't he? Did he just flex his arm and ask her to touch it? Did he?

I moved to get a better angle. Flirting couples are inconsiderate. You'd think that two people who are oblivious to the rest of the world wouldn't hide what they were doing quite so much. I found a better spot in time to realise that the muscle flex was innocent. It looked like he'd a cramp or something. Disappointment and relief struggled with each other. Sometimes, I don't know if I want to lose for their benefit and have just have the final answer: You're a nice guy, but you're simply not good enough. While I continue to play, I will always have that burning piece of probable loss.

A chill flared up from my arm, the strong one that had escaped the covers and wrapped my sleeping love last night. What was a cosy bed for one, had scarce coverage for two. I decided to ask housekeeping for some larger blankets to cover my bed and keep my big toe warm, although it would feel empty if my fears were being realised.

So, I watched them as I've always watched them; desperately wishing that one of the open people standing there was me.

They got ever more animated and relaxed and it was a joy to see. I don't think I've ever been that comfortable, that easy in another's presence. Is there a trick to it? Is there a way for me to learn that graceful ease? Would it make me as desirable as ...

There's a look, I don't know if you've experienced it, but basically you look down, bow your head and then look right at someone; just your eyes move. That look, it's devastating and it was absent. I've seen Ruwalk use it on Cernozura and vice-versa for the past twenty years. Twenty years and overnight it's gone! Overnight?

Then I realised that though the couple were being friendly and were obviously having fun talking, the tell-tale signs that squeezed my heart had all vanished. There was no fake laughter, fluttering glances and not once did she touch him. Could it be that she was finally, really, all mine?

Still trying to improve. If you've anything to point out that can help, please let me know.

Leath céid. Not the fiftieth one being written, but the fiftieth published.

This chapter was supposed to follow Cernozura, after she said goodbye to Ruwalk. The original intention was that the scenes would shift from person to person as they met each other in the course of their day. If I'd done that, then I wouldn't have been able to write this.

Confession time. Alfeegi's lover was Tetheus. That was the original plan. Then I looked at my fics and said, "Damn, you've done that too often. You're not allowed write Tetheus with Alfeegi here; it would just be expected." That would have been the third fic in a row and the pairing seemed too obvious. I wavered over it while writing the second chapter, but made up my mind. I don't have to pair up Alfeegi and Tetheus, just because I find the two of them fascinating to write for. They're not my favourite characters, I used to actively dislike Alfeegi, but I enjoy writing them a lot and I've mellowed on Alfeegi.