Fake Fan Fiction ❯ Delicate ❯ Admission of Guilt ( Chapter 15 )

Disclaimer: Lyn and Andrew and their beautiful family are mine, must have expressed written consent to use, fanfic or whatever. Dee and Ryo etc. are not mine. Don't sue, I'm poor ^_^;

 

Delicate

Chapter Fourteen:

Admission of Guilt

 

By: Irish

 

~*~*~*~*~

 

Ryo had left early in the morning, very early, claiming he wanted to clean up before he picked up Bikky. It was a total lie, Bikky wasn't supposed to be home for another day, and sure as hell not early in the morning. As if Bikky or Dee would ever be up that early, given the choice. Mary had accepted it though, and that was what mattered.

 

It was freezing, even in the heated parking garage. Surely a morning that the grass in Central Park would be frozen stiff and frosted over. Ryo moved quickly to his car, unlocking the door, shivering. Once in, he locked the doors and turned on the heater before dropping his head to the steering wheel. What the hell was wrong with him?

 

Shivering, he sat up enough to reach into the back seat, fumbling for the familiar leather of Dee's jacket. He pulled it to him, holding it to his face, inhaling the scent that was so purely Dee, despite how much he had been wearing it. The leather was so soft it almost felt like Dee's skin in some places, his brand of aftershave, subtle and masculine, the slightly sweet smell of Dee's brand of cigarets.

 

He rubbed the leather against his cheek before shrugging into its familiar weight, his hands disappearing into the sleeves, he hugged himself tight, turning his face against his shoulder to keep the scent close.

 

Ryo felt like a real bastard keeping Dee's jacket, it was getting cold, and it was Dee's only jacket, as far as Ryo knew. Not to mention the affair he was having with a ten year old leather jacket of a man who he had pushed and pushed until he left. He wondered if Dee had anything of his that he hugged to himself, smelled, touched. Then again, Ryo couldn't remember anything he was missing. He meant to return the jacket, he did, that was why it was in his back seat, but he could never make himself bring it in, hang it on the back of Dee's chair, maybe a couple packs of smokes as a thank you. Dee wouldn't smoke them though.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

 

“Those things will kill you.”

 

“Those will make your lungs bleed.”

 

Dee had taken Bikky with him over to Lyn and Andrew's Sunday afternoon. He hadn't been invited, but he needed help with his homework, and Duke would keep Bikky entertained. He stood out on the back deck of the old victorian, shivering in the cold, damp air, still jacketless, smoking. There was a coffee can between the slats of the railing, there was probably some sand in the bottom, but all Dee could see was cigarette butts. Lyn was a half-assed smoker.

 

“At least that is temporary.” Lyn retorted, taking a lungful of his Clove just for spite, and promptly choked on it.

 

“Riiight.” Dee rolled his eyes, lighting a second cigarets off the butt of his first. “You are such a poser.”

 

“No... I used to smoke the real deal. Until Andrew got me trained in. Apparently it wasn't the nicotine I was addicted to, just an oral fixation.” Lyn chuckled a little. It was hard to tell if he was kidding or not.

 

“Andrew couldn't give you a hand with that oral fixation?” Dee raised an eyebrow. “I mean, I can think of a helluva lot of better things to put in your mouth.”

 

“As can I... but you get arrested when you do that on the back porch.” Lyn glanced at Dee and dropped him a wink.

 

“I was talking about bubble gum, perv.” Dee laughed, shaking his head, wrapping his arms around himself.

 

“Do you want a damned coat? You are going to freeze. Its not like its getting warmer.” Lyn was wearing his own leather coat, zipped all the way up, he even had gloves on. That was a bit much, Dee thought, but he knew Lyn's hands gave him problems.

 

“Nah. I should just get another one.” he shook his head, ashing his cigarets onto the rocks just below the deck.

 

“No, you should ask for yours back!” Lyn said indignantly, pushing his glasses up on his nose with a geeky movement, dragging on his clove cigarets the next with utter sophistication. Dee could see what Andrew saw in Lyn, aside from the fact that Dee had never seen a prettier man. He was so high class when he wanted to be, sort of an icy sexiness. Other times, he was like a sweet but shy geek. A lot like Ryo, actually.

 

“I don't want it now.” Dee shook his head. It would smell like Ryo. “Besides, it's like ten years old. I think I can manage to afford a new jacket once every ten years. I'm a cop, not a short order cook.”

 

“Your biz, man.” Lyn shrugged, the street slang absolutely ludicrous coming from Lyn's finely honed lips, but Dee was pretty sure that was the point. “How's the Bikster? Aside from hyper active?” He glanced over his shoulder through the sliding glass door that looked into the dining room, where Bikky was rolling around on the floor with the giant dane.

 

“Good, all things considered. He made JV basketball. He's playing it down, but he's been practically floating all weekend.” Dee smiled a little, glancing back as well. It was hard to tell if Bikky was playing with Duke... or if Duke was playing with him.

 

“Good for him. If you had told me I would have made a cake or something.”

 

“Bull shit. You would have made Andrew make a cake. You can't bake to save your life.” Dee chuckled, then sighed deeply, again reminded of Ryo.

 

“Alright, you caught me.” Lyn dropped his butt, smoked down to the filter, into the coffee can near his feet. “I don't know why...”

 

“Because you get distracted and leave it in the oven. Damn, and they say I'm ADHD.” Dee rolled his eyes, taking a long drag, trying to smoke his second quickly to get inside.

 

“Shut it.” Lyn said in a mock warning voice. “I will have you know, I am properly medicated.” Lyn sniffed, turning his nose up.

 

“Yeah yeah yeah.” Dee managed to inhale the rest of his smoke in three lungfuls, exhaling the last as he dropped his butt in with Lyn's, following Lyn into the house.

 

“Are you two smoking cigarettes or weed out there? Took you long enough.” Andrew called from the living room, where he was with the two girls.

 

“Crack, actually.” Dee replied. “My pipe didn't want to light. We had to settle for meth.”

 

“Oh, well as long as it was only meth.” Andrew replied, sounding serious to anyone who didn't know him.

 

“Bik, give Duke a break.” Dee chuckled, leaning down and snagging bikky by the waist, managing to hoist him under his arm, and carry him like a football into the living room.

 

“Put me down, retard!” Bikky shouted, but he was laughing as he squirmed, hands clutching at Dee's shirt, not wanting to fall.

 

“Yeah like I'm going to put you down now.” he swung Bikky around and tossed him over his shoulder, grunting a little with the effort. “Damn boy, are you getting taller or fatter?” Dee laughed, knowing what the answer was.

 

“Taller, jackass!” He slapped Dee's butt, but after one good hit, he cackled gleefully, taking Dee's wallet out of his back pocket “Haha! Sucka! Whats the limit on this card?”

 

“Jokes on you.” Dee laughed. “Its expired!” he crossed the living room, careful of the little fingers and toes of the girls, tossing Bikky onto the couch. “besides, that's my decoy.”

 

Bikky was flipping through the wallet, seeing that it was, the license was expired, corner cut. The credit card long expired long ago and there was only about twenty bucks, in ones and fives. The pictures, Bikky could see, were actually just color copies. He flipped through them, there was maybe half a dozen. Two were actually just prayer cards for St. Jude and St. Michael. Three were of Bikky himself, all his school photos since they had met. One was of Dee and Ryo. Bikky didn't know who had taken it, or even where, but it was fall, judging by the leaves scattered around them in the picture. Ryo must have just stumbled, and literally fallen into Dee's lap, both of them laughing, Ryo sort of sprawled between Dee's legs, cradled, albeit awkwardly in his arms, a leaf in his hair. They were looking at each other like there was no one else in the world.

 

“Jshyeah, it better be, hardly enough to buy a cup of joe.” Bikky snorted, taking about half the cash in the wallet before tossing it back to Dee, ignoring the hot, tight knot in his throat. God he hated that bitch Mary.

 

“I'm a cop, not a lawyer.” Dee laughed, throwing a pillow at Lyn, who caught it easily. “Some of us have morals.”

 

“Yeah yeah, first we'll kill all the lawyers. Get in line, it starts with Shakespeare.” Lyn folded himself into a chair behind his husband who sat on the ground with the girls.

 

“I'm sure you could find a much better excuse to off Lyn.” Andrew said helpfully, holding onto Annie's hands as she took careful toddling steps, managing about three before she fell hard on her diapered butt. Andrew picked her up, setting her on her feet before she got a chance to cry.

 

“Don't you guys have homework or something.” Lyn said peevishly, picking Keiry up, letting her stand on his thighs so she could put barrettes in his hair.

 

“Yeah, Bik, you get yours out too.” Dee said, easing onto the floor with Andrew. “I want you to have at least one subject done before you go back to Ryo's, or he'll think I do nothing but get you drunk and buy you strippers.”

 

“I wish.” Bikky rolled his eyes and got up, grabbing his backpack and Dee's as well, dropping Dee's in his lap, flopping down on the couch with his own.

 

Lyn took over wrangling the girls, Andrew shifting closer to Dee and taking his text book from him, reading the text out loud for him, pausing if Dee seemed to start to get overwhelmed. Andrew had been sure since Dee had come into his office needing help with his schedule, that Dee had a learning disorder, but Dee would hear no such thing, and doggedly attacked his studies. It wasn't any lack of intelligence, no matter what Dee liked to say. He was damn sharp. But when it came to reading and writing... Andrew was pretty sure your average ten year old could do better, but Dee could repeat lecture back almost verbatim.

 

Lyn carried the girls upstairs, deep in thought as he did, not noticing as Keiry started to pull the barrettes from his hair, with out bothering to unclip them, and Annie started to use his shirt collar as a chew toy. He had been trying to peg down Ryo for a couple weeks now to have coffee or dinner, or something, but Ryo had nothing but excuses for him. Lyn was done with excuses.

 

He set the girls down amidst a scatter of toys in the library and flipped out his cell phone. He had attempted to get a hold of Ryo so many times he had the numbers memorized. It rang, rang again, a third time, then finally:

 

“McLean speaking?”

 

To Lyn it sounded as thought Ryo had been napping. That seemed a bit odd, but Lyn didn't comment. In fact he paused a long moment before he spoke, so may things coming to the tip of his tongue.

 

“Ryo, its Lyn.” His voice was a little flat and he knew it, and he tried to shake himself of the whirling thoughts in his mind. He surely pitied Ryo, and in many ways understood where he was coming from, but, it was hard to watch the pain in Dee's eyes, and in Bikky's.

 

“Oh, ah, hi.” Ryo said lamely.

 

“The girls and I are coming over. No more excuses Ryo. I know you aren't busy.” Lyn had a moment of doubt, worried about sticking his nose in other peoples business, because this surely wasn't his. But he owed Dee his life.

 

“Lyn-”

 

“I mean it, no excuses. You've been putting me off for weeks now. What are you so afraid of?” Lyn watched the girls play on the rug, but not fully seeing them, his mind on other matters, like the voice on the other end of the line.

 

“Fine. Whatever.” Ryo said coldly. The line clicked dead moments later, before Lyn could add anything, and he snapped his phone shut.

 

It took him a good twenty minutes to get out the door with the girls in tow, diaper backpack over one shoulder, a girl on either hip. He stuffed them in their car seats and himself behind the wheel after calling to Andrew that they would `be back later', not bothering to go into detail. If Andrew really wanted to know, he'd call Lyn's cell.

 

It took another twenty minutes to get across town, and by the time Lyn had struggled two girls, a diaper backpack, and himself up to Ryo's apartment door, he was almost positive the man would have left. He knocked though, a smile playing on the stern line of his lips as Keiry mimicked him, knocking on the door and scowling in dramatic fashion.

 

“Hush you.” He whispered to her, kissing her curls, even though she couldn't hear him. Annie sucked her three middle fingers, just taking it all in, as was her way.

 

By the time the door opened, Lyn had almost turned to walk away, more then a little peeved that Ryo would so brazenly stand him up. When the door did open though, most of Lyn's anger evaporated. Ryo looked like hell. Preppy hell. But hell.

 

Ryo didn't bother to say anything, just opening the door and stepping back to let him in. He was dressed so casually that for Ryo, it was almost like answering the door in a flour sack, a pair of gray yoga pants and a hooded sweatshirt. His glasses were on his nose, and his hair was tousled. It actually wasn't a bad look for him, Lyn thought, but it certainly wasn't typical Ryo.

 

Lyn stepped in quietly, letting Ryo take Annie from his arms, and shrugging out of the diaper backpack, and his coat, and then removing the girls' coats. He glanced again at Ryo once that was done.

 

“You don't look good.” He said, voice soft.

 

“I don't feel good.” Ryo shrugged, moving into the living room with Annie. “Its like a tomb here.” yet he couldn't bring himself to go out either. No Bikky, no Dee, no noise. Not that this was the first time ryo had been alone in an empty apartment. Sometimes he hardly noticed, but more and more those times alone seemed to loom and stretch like barren badlands over his life.

 

Lyn sighed deeply, and dropped down onto the couch, turning Keiry lose with a couple toys. It was true, in the gloomy day and with the silence, Lyn knew it would have driven him quite mad as well.

 

“What else happened?” the taller man asked, knowing it was more then a quiet apartment that had Ryo in his version of a robe and fuzzy slippers.

 

Ryo looked at Lyn for long moments, his dark eyes starting to glisten with unshed tears, before he turned away out the window. There wasn't a doubt in Ryo's mind that he officially qualified for scum of the year award... and the kick in the nuts was that it hadn't even been mediocre, and was like a flashlight compared to the sun, when held against his intimacy with Dee.

 

“We had sex.” He said finally. A tear rolled down his cheek, but with his face turned away, Lyn couldn't see it. Annie did though, and her small sticky hand reached up and touched Ryo's check, her lower lip quivering as she picked up on the thick emotion filling the room. Keiry though, played on, oblivious.

 

Ryo hugged Annie closer, rubbing her back “Shh, little one, its okay.” He reassured her in a horse whisper. He closed his eyes tight, turning his face against her black hair. She felt right in his arms, so very right. Was it worth it though? Did he really want to bring children into what was nothing but a lie?

 

“You had sex?! With her!?” Lyn knew he shouldn't react so vehemently, but he couldn't help it. He shuddered just a little, and actually had to resist the urge to gag. Most people were on a sliding scale, very few 100% gay or a 100% straight. Lyn though, was about 95% on the gay side.

“Yes.” Ryo whispered. “With her.” He didn't lift his face from Annie's hair. “Lyn... it... it was so bad...” he swallowed hard.

 

The lawyer sighed softly, what a mess. If Dee found out, Lyn didn't even want to think about it. Ryo was the one who had actually had to go through the ordeal though and Lyn couldn't help but feel for him. He knew what it was like, that feeling of being used and contaminated, and unable to complain, because you had been a willing participant in your own violation.

 

“Ryo...” Lyn sighed, going over to him, grasping his shoulders gentle. “Why are you doing this? Why? You don't love her, I know you don't. You aren't attracted to her. And I know for a fact, you miss Dee so bad it hurts, and he misses you, and Bikky misses the both of you.”

 

Ryo's shoulders hitched and he bit back a sob. In his arms, Annie started to sniffle again. She didn't know what was wrong, but she knew people were upset. She stuck her three fingers in her mouth again, whimpering.

 

“Sorry, sweet pea.” Ryo rasped, knowing he was upsetting her. He thought to hand her back to Lyn, but he knew how empathetic Annie was, and it wouldn't make a difference. Lyn was so right though. He missed Dee so much he could hardly breath sometimes. He also knew there was no way he could hide Dee from his family, had they stayed together.

 

“My family... would never accept him.” Ryo shook his head. “I've lost my parents, I won't lose my aunt and uncle too.” The part that was the worst was that although the whole gay thing would have upset his family greatly, Dee would be just utterly unacceptable. Maybe if he found some nice Gay Republican for Christ or something...

 

“They would learn to, in time. Ryo, your family loves you.” Or at least Lyn assumed they did. Andrew's didn't, and actually Andrew's familial situation was almost identical, in retrospect. Andrew's parents had died when he wasn't too much older then Keiry though. “They wouldn't cast you out just because you're gay.”

 

“I'm not gay!” Ryo hissed angrily. He turned, depositing Annie in Lyn's arms rather abruptly, starting to pace. “I'm not gay!” he said again then shook his head. “It doesn't matter, even if I was, and even if they were okay with it,” he paused shooting Lyn a look “Strictly hypothetically speaking. They would never be okay with Dee. You don't get it, Lyn! McLean family is old money. Its stupid, I hate it, but its true. There are no gays in my family. There are no blue collar kind of folks. My mother not being white was utter scandal!”

 

Lyn frowned deeply, rocking Annie, trying to keep her from bursting into full blow tears. He hardly recognized Ryo any more. Not that he knew him too well in the first place, but the man who had sat at his dinning room table with his partner in what seemed like an eon ago, was not this man.

 

“That is the biggest load of bull shit I've ever heard in my life.” Lyn's normally warm eyes had darkened considerably, his Irish temper starting to show. “If you are too scared to be honest with yourself about your sexuality, too concerned about other peoples' disapproval, too worried about clichés and gender norms. Fine. But at least have the balls to admit that you're the one with the problem. Because you are. If you had any nuts at all, you would stand by your man because you love him. Your father managed. If you're going to be a stupid fuck, fine. But I won't let you blame everyone else for it.”

 

Ryo looked at him, a little shocked, before shaking his head. “Don't tell me what I am, Lyn, don't you lecture me about being honest with myself. You aren't perfect! He left me. What would have happened to you if Andrew had just decided you weren't worth the effort? That he couldn't wait around for you to get yourself sorted out? Hmm? How far would have you gotten?” Ryo glared hard at Lyn for a long moment, before he saw the look on his face. He had gone too far and he knew it.

 

“You are real good at pushing people away.” Lyn said hoarsely, frozen to the spot.

 

Ryo bit his lip, god why did he keep doing this? Why did he keep lashing out and hurting people? Why was he so scared? What was wrong with him?

 

“Lyn... I'm sorry,” he whispered. “I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have said that. You're right... you're right.” he shook his head, dragging the back of his hand across his eyes. He moved over to the couch and collapsed onto it, face in his hands.

 

Lyn sighed, and put Annie down with Keiry, moving over to the couch and sitting down next to Ryo, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. “Its okay, Ryo.” He said softly, rubbing Ryo's Shoulder. “Its okay. We all make mistakes. But what are we going to do about you?” Because something had to be done. Ryo was spiraling out of control fast.

 

“I don't know.” Ryo whispered, shaking his head. “You're right Lyn... I love him. I miss him. This is agony. I know, I know, in my heart that I will never love anyone like I love him. Nothing can hold a candle to him, and to what we had. Nothing.” he shook his head, swallowing the lump in his throat. “And sometimes, sometimes, for a moment, I tell myself that I am going to call him, or get up and go over to his place, and beg, on my knees if I have to, for him to take me back.”

 

“So? What's the problem?” Lyn asked softly, fully knowing there was one, or they wouldn't be having this discussion right now. He continued to rub Ryo's shoulders gently.

 

“As soon as I move to do one of those things... I realize that even if I begged, he probably wouldn't take me back. That to do that would mean letting go of everything and everyone I've ever held dear.” He took a deep shaky breath. “Either way, my heart breaks.” Ryo drew his knees up to his chest, resting a cheek on them.

 

“I think you're very wrong about that first part. I think that if you came to Dee, fully, with your heart and soul, holding nothing back, secreting away nothing, he would take you in his arms in a second.” Lyn said quietly, also knowing that even if Ryo came to Dee with the same set of issues... right now Dee would probably take him back anyway, and hate himself for it.

 

“As to the second...” Lyn thought a long moment. “I understand that you love your family, your aunt and uncle, and that its something that's very important to you. If you're all as close as you imply, well, it may take time, but they will love you for who you are. That is what families do.”

 

“Maybe.” Ryo said doubtfully. Dee, at one of his aunt's society parties? Dee would hate it, and Elena would hate him being here. Or the huge formal Christmas affair? Ye gods, that just reeked of disaster waiting to happen.

 

Lyn paused, looking at Ryo. “Do you actually love Dee?” He asked Ryo suddenly. It had only just occurred to him, he had taken Ryo's pain at face value, but suddenly he wondered. Was all that about his old money family just another excuse in the endless parade, or was that really the problem. Dee was from the wrong side of the tracks.

 

“What?” Ryo looked at the lawyer sharply “Didn't I just go on about how much I love him? Why do you even need to ask that?” He had pulled away from Lyn a little, not entirely, but now he was facing him more.

 

“Well...” Lyn said slowly. He turned his eyes to his girls. Annie had rediscovered her toes and was trying to fit them in her mouth. Keiry had pulled a baggy of cheerios out of the diaper bag, and was cramming handfuls into her mouth. “Would you be having such a problem if Dee was a little bit more educated... well spoken?” literate...

 

Ryo stared at Lyn a long moment. Would he be having such a problem? He bit his lip, not sure he even wanted to think about this. Dee was a wonderful person, once he trusted you there was no one more loyal or caring or devoted. Lyn was right though, Dee wasn't an educated man and rarely a tactful one. Was all this just some absolutely twisted version of class bias?

 

“No, that isn't the problem.” Ryo said finally, quiet, but resolute. “He is over the top sometimes,” and even in saying that, it still made Ryo smile thinking about just how `over the top' Dee could be. “But he's also utterly unpretentious and that's one of the things I find so endearing about him. You always know exactly where you stand with him.”

 

“Isn't that the truth.” Lyn chuckled, shaking his head. “He never does anything half way. Its either all or nothing, isn't it?”

 

“Yeah, yeah it is.” A faint smile stayed on Ryo's lips, thinking of how Dee threw himself entirely into everything he did. He was passionate, sensual, neither in a strictly sexual sense either. He was so... alive. A flash of color in a black and white world.

 

“You know, you keep telling me you're not gay. After a night with Mary, how can you still say that?” Lyn asked softly. “You clearly didn't enjoy it. in fact seem to feel almost violated from it. Think about sex with her... and sex with Dee. And tell me again that you're `not gay'.”

 

Ryo turned away from Lyn to look out the window over the gray city. He couldn't. Lyn was right. Last night with Mary had proven to him that he didn't like women. He had managed to get it up, but that was about it. “I can't.” He whispered.

 

“Okay... you love Dee... you don't like women, connect the dots for me here Ryo, why aren't you willing to be with him?” Obviously Ryo wasn't ready for that, but why? Lyn couldn't discern what it could possibly be.

 

Ryo felt hot tears in his eyes, they had never really left, but he let them trail down his cheek now, and soak into his pants, where his cheek rested against his knees. He didn't bother to try and stop them.

 

“Because I'm weak.” he whispered. “Because I can't stand walking down the street, wondering if everyone knows. Because I'm not strong enough to brush off stares and glares and disapproval. I'm just... not strong enough Lyn. I can't do it. I just can't. Every time Dee touched me in public, I was looking around, praying no one had seen. We never went out, at least not romantically. He was right, he was my dirty secret.” Ryo shook his head again, the tears falling faster, hating himself for being so pathetically dependent on being `normal' but unable to do anything else. “He doesn't deserve that. And I can't live like that, looking over my shoulder. I want children. Mary is... nice.”

 

“You aren't happy like this.” Lyn said softly, rubbing his back. “And you never will be. Don't fake being straight, Ryo, you'll just end up miserable. You can find some other way to have kids. Get counseling, get this sorted out. Stop running.” Lyn could feel Ryo's misery radiating off him, saturating the very air.

 

“No.” Ryo shook his head, pressing his eyes against his knees. “No. There is no way I could ever... ever talk about that with someone. I'm doing this to myself. I know that. I just wish I weren't inflicting it on everyone else too, especially those I love. Even knowing that I am... isn't enough to make me admit...” It just built on itself, circling the same few issues over and over, getting worse each time. He was gay, and that made him paranoid, so he played straight and was depressed, and hurting those around him, because he couldn't be honest which just made him feel worse.

 

“Well, until you're ready to help yourself...” Lyn shrugged, then hugged Ryo tightly, hurting for his friends, both of them. “When you're ready, you know Andrew and the girls and I are here for you. I think Dee would be too. And as long as you're happy, I think Bikky will be too.”

 

Ryo could only nod against Lyn's shoulder, too choked up to speak, his shoulders shaking a little with repressed sobs. Somehow, Ryo doubted he'd ever know a moment of happiness again.

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note: Okay lets not mention how long this took me to get out. Sorry its a bit um... well there isn't much action, the chapters more about shades of emotion. Angst, I guess. Ah well. Things are drawing to a head though. Hopefully I'm on a bit more of a writing kick for a while, but who knows.