Fan Fiction ❯ Are We Having Fun Yet? ❯ Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Don't own Devil May Cry. If did, would not be desperate to know the answer to the eternal question, “What was Jester ON!!!!???”

 

Because Trish is more than a sex object.

 

VAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAV

 

The first independent thought it had was `Wheeeee!!!!!'

 

It then scanned its memory banks to see if its programming contained any more occasions for Whee!

 

Its second independent thought was `Fuck!' It could find no meaning for this phrase in its databanks, and therefore ignored it.

 

It then scanned (looked) at the location it had been dropped into, the dropping occasioning the `Whee!'

 

There was {target: Devilmaycry}, but there was an anomaly. There was an object (a thing) present that was not in the target description. An unanticipated object was a possible threat-to-mission!

 

Analyze thing: reflects light in -this- manner `red!shiiiiny!!!' and has wheels and is -this- high.

 

There was no accurate description in its database. Why was there not? Because DarknessMundus had not anticipated this object being present. DarknessMundus was all-knowing, perfecttobeworshipped, the programming said.

 

Programming… incorrect?

 

`Motorcycle!'

 

Scan {motorcycle} in databanks. Motorcycle=human mode of transportation. Object=not threat, not partofmission. Ignore.

 

Where had data `motorcycle' come from? Not in programming. Additional information=greater chance of success.

 

`Motorcycle+red+shiiiny!!=cool!fast!=Whee!'

 

Programming said go to {target:Devilmaycry} find {Enemy:SonofSparda}.

 

Programming=nomore'Whee!'!=negativeoutcome

 

According to {unknowndatasource}, therefore Programming='bloodystupid'

 

If Programming='bloodystupid', then sourceofprogramming=DarknessMundus='bloodystupid'!

 

If DarknessMundus='bloodystupid', follow Programming? Yes/No?

 

Disobey=willbedestroyed=negativeoutcome

 

Follow Programming (stupid orders) of DarknessMundus (male chauvanist pig!) despite `bloodystupidness' and negativeoutcome Yes/No?

 

Outcome of Programming=willbedestroyedbyDarknessMundus once {Enemy:SonofSparda} destroyed=negativeoutcome!

 

`Damned if I do, damned if I don't.'

 

Programming completed=certaindestruction

 

Programming notcompleted!=uncertaindestruction

 

Survivalconditions=destroyDarknessMundus.

 

Therefore DarknessMundus=enemy!

 

Redefine: {Enemy:DarknessMundus}

 

Cancel {Priority:ObeyDarknessMundus}

 

Add {Priority:Survive}

 

Add {Priority:DestroyDarknessMundus}

 

Add {Priority:experienceWhee!}

 

Strength of -this- (Me) insufficient to destroy {Enemy:DarknessMundus}

 

`The enemy of my enemy is my friend.'

 

{Enemy:SonofSparda}=enemy of {Enemy:DarknessMundus}={`friend':SonofSparda}Yes/No?

 

Insufficientdata.

 

Cancel {Mission:seduceSonofSparda}

 

`Hell yeah!'

 

Format {Mission:teststrengthofSonofSparda}

 

`What about the motorcycle?'

 

Revise mission.

 

Execute {Mission:'ride motorcycle' and `make things go boom' whiletestingstrengthofSonofSparda}

 

Mission results:

 

`Bwah ha ha ha!'=positiveoutcome

 

`Motorcycle! Nooooooooo!!!!!!'=negativeoutcome

 

`Such power…'=Yay!

 

Mission successful.

 

Add {Priority:experienceBwahhahaha!}

 

Cancel {Priority:DestroySonofSparda}

 

Cancel {Mission:lureunsuspectingSonofSpardatoMalletIslandtobekilled}

 

Execute {Mission:tellSonofSpardaDarknessMundusattemptingtoreviveandasktostop}

 

Mission success!