Fan Fiction ❯ Guilty Gear TeXXt Humor ❯ Chapter 1

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

The Guilty Gear series are copyright of Sammy, ARC System Works, and their respective owners. Beware of dogs, especially Zappa's spirit dog.

Guitly Gear TeXXt Humor

"I'm New Here"

Zappa: My name is Zappa, and I'm new to the Guilty Gear series. (Crying.) I'm such a pathetic loser, though. To be possessed by some vengeful spirit...
S-ko: That's not true at all, Zappa! You're based on that Japanese movie called "The Ring." Which means that you're super-cool and stuff.
Zappa: Super-cool? Are you insane?
S-ko: You seen Samurai Shodown, right? Basara Kubikiri was based on that character called "The Crow;" and look where he is now!
Basara: (Running around and singing.) I'm dead, I'm dead, I'll cut your neck, and I'm a freakin' lunatic! HAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAA!!
Zappa: Nope. I'm hoping to me much more sane than this guy.

-=***=-

"Super Cool Powers"

S-ko: But you get to have amazingly super-cool powers as well.
Zappa: I don't want powers, you spirit! I wanna girlfriend!
S-ko: ............

Later on; all the girls are gleefully gathering around Zappa.

Zappa: Unfortunately, they're all spirits.

-=***=-

"May's Instant Kill"

May grabs Ky and slams him hard to the ground. She calls on her friends as they run up towards him...

[This scene has been deleted due to extremely violent sexual content. With emphasis on the sex.]

Ky: (Now a wasted man.) ...whyyyyy...?
May: Blame Johnny! He keeps hanging around Dizzy!

-=***=-

"That's The Spirit!"

Ghostgirl: Hey, I have an idea! Why don't you meet a friend of mine. She's very sexy, and she's currently looking for a boyfriend.

The next day, Zappa can be found at the nearby ice cream parlor. He's not really sure about the info he's given.

S-ko: Dammit, Zappa! What is wrong with you?
Zappa: Hey, it's not like I don't trust her. It's just that it might be another ghost.
S-ko: And what's WRONG with ghost?
Zappa: Well... Uh...

Baiken: Hey there. You're Zappa, right?
Zappa: HUH??!! It's that samurai woman!

-=***=-

"That's The Spirit! Part II"

Baiken: [I guess it can't be helped, can it?] I felt some presense nagging me about this guy I'm suppose to meet. Pleaze don't tell me that it's you, spook-boy.
Zappa: Hey, it wasn't my idea to become a spook-boy.
Baiken: ..........
Zappa: ...........
Baiken: I guess that spirit must've had a good eye for men. How about you work on that karma, kid.
Zappa: Uh... Yes ma'am.

-=***=-

"Zappa's Instant Kill"

A tree in the dark...

Static...

An eye while someone screams...

Testament: (Eating popcorn.) Wow! You guys know your stuff.
Zappa/S-ko: (Dismayed.) That's not how it's suppose to work.

-=***=-

"Before You Die..."

A tree in the dark...

Static...

Sol and Ky having [censored].

Axl Low is DESTROYED; laying on the ground while foam escapes his mouth. Zappa and S-ko give each other the thumb-up.

-=***=-

"Untouchable Chipp"

Chipp: HA! Do you think you can capture me with that wussy Instant Kill?! I could see that a mile away!
Zappa: [Huh? What did that American say?]
Chipp: What?!
Sol: [Hey, hey! What's wrong with you? Speak Japanese, dammit!]
Ky: [I can arrest you for that, you know.]
Chipp: I... I can't understand what they're saying!

Everyone gathers around him and speak Japanese, but Chipp is unable to find out what they're saying. He screams in frustration...

Zappa: (Watches as Chipp commits honorable suicide.) I guess everyone else's nightmares are different...

-=***=-

"Johnny, Public Enemy #1"

May: I HATE YOU!
Johnny: Huh? Why is that?
Dizzy: Enemy of women! You disgust me!
Johnny: Wait! There must be a logical reason...
Jellyfish Pirate Girls: SHUT THE HELL UP!! WE WANT YOU OUT OF OUR LIVES!!
Johnny: NO~O!!

S-ko is busy haunting Johnny whilst Zappa gives his thumb-up.

-=***=-

"Bridget On The Bounty"

Bridget: Oh, here's one. HEY, YOU THERE!
Eddie: Huh? You wanna die, kid?
Bridget: Don't underestimate me, villian. I'm bringing you in for... ...uh... (Takes out his list and looks at it.) ..."existing past your expiration date."
Eddie: "Existing past my e-" Are you "Death's" bounty hunter?
Bridget: Well... He WAS pale, carrying a scythe, and wearing women's clothes.
Eddie: Testament...

-=***=-

"Bridget Strikes again!"

Bridget: Oh, here's another one. HEY, YOU THERE!
Zappa: Me...?
Bridget: Yes, you! Haven't been making your down payments, huh?! I'm here to repossess that soul of yours!

Sol Badguy looks onward as the two make the lamest joke ever told. Zappa, Bridget, and S-Ko then proceed to dance around like they're on a comedy stage.

Sol: Damn my "Gear enhancements!" I'm seriously getting too old for this!

-=***=-

"At Jam's Restaurant"

Eddie: I like the usual, hon.
Jam: Okay. COFFEE! EXTRA BLACK!

Millia: I like the usual, ma'am.
Jam: Okan. HAIRSTRING NOODLES! EXTRA LONG!

Zappa sticks his chopsticks into a bowl of noodles, and Jam notices this.

Jam: What are you doing?! Don't do that! It's bad luck!
Zappa: Bad luck for whom?

Jam then notices S-ko beside him and decides not to draw the conversation out any further...

-=***=-

"You Know What I Want / Why Yes, We Have No Bacon"

Jam finds Johnny at a nearby table and gets irate over it.

Jam: I told you not to come around here anymore.
Johnny: Don't be so mean, sugar. I'm a paying customer who wants something to eat from this fine establishment. And you know what I want from my "menu."
Jam: Oh. Yeah. Sure thing. HEY, CHEF! MAKE FOR THIS GUY OUR SPECIALTY! SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM...!

Jellyfish Pirates: ...SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM-BEDA-SPA~AM, WONDERFUL SPAM!

Johnny finds the Jellyfish Pirates singing the Monty Python tune about his least favorite food and decides to leave; vowing never to come back.

-=***=-

"Walking The Dog"

Testament finds Bridget passing by and doing her yo-yo trick of "walking the dog."

He then finds Zappa playing with his ghost dog.

He also finds Zato-1 walking Eddie on a leash.

His crow/girl then flies in with a leash in her mouth.

Testament: Uh... Excuse me...

-=***=-

"I Can Fly."

May finds Dizzy flying in the air.

May: Hey! I didn't know you can fly!
Dizzy: Of course! Red Bull gives you wings!

She then finds Millia and Eddie having some sort of "dog fight" in the air. (Millia using her hair; and Eddie as a dark, winged demon.)

She then finds Zappa flying upside-dowm and looking like some deformed locust.

May then wakes up from her sleep with a scream...

April: You know, you shouldn't eat so much weird stuff before bedtime.

-=***=-

"The Grim Reaper"

Zappa: AAAAAHH!! The Grim Reaper has come for me!!
Testament: Hey, waitaminute! I'm not the "Grim Reaper." I'm just some goth who's passing by.

Zappa: ......

Testament: But it's been said that I make a killing at the Karaoke stands.

Zappa: Yep. Death is upon us all...

-=***=-

"Turning Japanese"

Chipp: I am a ninja who must learn the ways of the Japanese in order to complete my training! So, let me learn as much as I can from you people!

Anji: Like, no way, dudette! It's the (Forty) Niners all the way!
May: F*** then Niners, b*****! It's "Raider Nation!"

Chipp: Huh?!?!

Baiken: (Walking by and rapping.) "I don't know what ya heard 'bout me, but I'm a muthaf***in' P-I-M-P!"

Chipp: (Becoming gloomy.) I have now lost my faith for all humankind...

-=***=-

"Bad Hair Day / Wrong Game Day"

Millia and Eddie are watching as Venom fights his opponent.

Millia: Look at this guy! I mean, if I were to run around in public with a hairstyle like that, I'd surely die!
Eddie: You mean you're not going to talk about how he fights with that billiard thingy...?
Millia: It's a "cue stick!" Play some billiards once in a while!

Millia does her hair up like Venom...

Millia: Look at me! I'm Venom! I'm in love with Zato! I have no sense of good hairstyle whatsoever!

Venom, after winning by the way, sees her making fun of him and gets angered. He flings his hair back and ties it down.

Venom: I AIN'T LIKE THAT, YOU SLUT!!
Millia: "You slut?"
Eddie: Ooh, and the guy who plays the wrong game at the wrong time counterattacks!
Venom/Millia: SHUT UP!

-=***=-

"I Wanna Rock! ROCK!"

I-No!: Alright! It's time to rock and roll! I'll show these stiff losers in the Japanese Colony how to get down and have some fun!

She then finds Baiken and Anji talking at a sushi restaurant...

Anji: And we just updated the "magic barrier" to make sure nothing anachronistic enters the colony.
Baiken: Do you think it keeps out noisy brats like I-No?

I-No: AAAAAAHH!! WHAT HAPPENED TO ME??!! MY AX!! MY BELOVED AX!!

Everyone turns to look at I-No... Who's now wearing a kimono and carrying a Japanese accoustic guitar.

Baiken: Speak of the devil...
Anji: ...And she turns into an "Oni." That's Japanese magic for you.

-=***=-

"I Know You From Somewhere"

Axl: No, I'm serious! I could've sworn I seen you somewhere before.
I-no: Quit wasting my time, kid. Are you gonna fight me? Or are you gonna bore me to death?
Axl: THAT'S IT! I GOT IT! You're Verthandi from "Oh My Goddess," right?!

I-no: ............

Axl: Dudette! I was So! Moved! I mean, like, here you were! With Keiichi...

I-no: You know... "Axel Rose..." I though your music sucked. A lot.

Axl: THAT IT JUST TOO COOL!! Verthandi telling my that I suck! This is the best thing that ever happened...!
I-no: Yes yes yes. Would you like Verthandi to break your skull open with my ax as well?

-=***=-

"Faust's Instant Kill"

Faust straps Johnny onto the hospital bed, with a bomb underneath it. Faust then moves far away and thrusts the plunger down. It explodes successfully.

...or that's what Faust thought...

Johnny appears from the explosion, dusting himself off... And looking like Ky Kiske!

Faust: HUH??!! KY??!!
Ky: What?
Faust: Then... Where's Johnny?!

Meanwhile, Johnny finds himself at some police station's meeting room; wearing Ky's clothing and managing to shock all the rest of the police officers around him.

Chief: Hey! Ain' you dat Johnny guy who leads a shipload a women and steals stuff?
Johnny: I... ...am SO... ...destroyed...

-=***=-

More to come?