Fan Fiction ❯ Poetry section ❯ Not Anymore ( Chapter 1 )

Not Anymore

 

Empty inside

Scarred, and afraid

I tried so hard

And I still failed

I lost my brother

No, he lost me

I made him scared

Afraid I'll hurt him

The slightest hint of anger

He's run into his room

Hands up to protect his head

Hiding behind mother

Screamin and crying his apologies

Beggin for forgivness

Holding out money to bribe me even

Am I that horrible

Am I the core reason for all his anger

Have I been that bad to him

Been that terrible of a sister

Have I hurt him that badly

Is it guilt I feel everyday

Whenever I see a cheerful pair of siblings

Or is the feeling of longing

Wishing for the same bond to share with him

In this world filled with

A white light that is only lies

I only seem to make his life

More meaningless, without reason

Leading him to believe I don't care

Leading him to want to leave me

And go back to the one I once was

But am not anymore

The one who lifted him up,

high into the sky

Giving him wings he always wanted

Giving him the hope he needed to go on

Being the one he needed

That gave him what no parent could

Someone to look up to,

That was always there

Not at work, or watching tv,

Or caring for their children,

Or in entirely different state

But right there beside him,

Holding his hand and leading

Him through life...

The one who didn't yell when

He took her markers

Or yell when he cried

Over spilled milk

The one who didn't strike fear

and anger into his heart at sight

The one that isn't who I am now

"...Not Anymore..."

I would say whenever he left his sanctuarary

After a fight he cried so hard about

"...I'm not who I used to be..."

That was my apology... it still is

Not "I'm sorry" or "It's my fault"

Like you should say.

He flinches whenever I recite

Those words almost coldly

And mechanically

"...I want my sister.."

All he could say in return,

A distance away for his own safety

No one there to hear

Our conversation of strangers

Of siblings broken too far apart to mend

At night, my emotions let loose

Along with the stars the shine above our heads

In his room I would sit,

listening to him sleep

Mumbling, he'd dream of the past

"...I want to fly again..."

His hands open,

As if to feel an imaginary wind

Like wings to to soar into the sky with,

Like he wants to fly back in time

When we would go to each other,

Instead of away, avoiding the other's touch.

"...I wanna touch the sky..."

He would stretch, as if reaching to the sky

"...I want black wings...like a Hawk..."

I would rub his back, as if massaging his wings

"...Raise me up, sissy, away from here..."

I would hum a song we used to sing together

"...Show me how to fly again, sissy..."

Tears would sting my eyes,

He never calls me by that anymore, let alone more than once

"...Make me happy, lead me through life like you said..."

I would let loose the tears and stand up

I would not promise something I could not keep

"...I can't...Not anymore..."

I would whisper, leaving him to his dreams

Letting him thrive on a cherished memory

"Not anymore, little brother...Not anymore..."

 

 

A/N: written 4 hours after an encounter with my brother that left him afriad to come near me... i never even touched him... its really frightening.... he wouldn't even ahnd something to me, he would throw it... i hope it never happens again.... I don't know how it is I changed but I know I did... because he wants the old me... i dont know who the old me is anymore....

 

It isnt really a poem, but a short, strangely written story in 1st person.... buti= in poetry it goes