Fan Fiction ❯ Sick as H-E-Double Hockey Sticks ❯ One-Shot

Disclaimer: This is going to be a pretty long one. I don't own Metal Gear Solid, Army of Darkness, The Evil Dead series, Vampire Hunter D, Hellsing, Blockbuster, Pamprin, Tylenol, the Nightmare on Elm Street series, Tropicana, Campbell Soup, Vick's Vapor Rub, Ricola cough drops, Dayquil, Nyquil, Sun-Maid Prune Juice, or TV Guide. The aforementioned things are the property of their respective owners.

Snake wasn't exactly what one could call a morning person. He was usually an early riser, but he wasn't particularly cheerful. He would never be found singing, 'Start Your Day With a Song', at 6:00 in the morning. He just got up, handled his business, prepared breakfast and went about his day. But today when he woke up he felt absolutely terrible. He had a dull pain in his temples and when he turned to get out of bed, the pain intensified and shifted from his temples to all over his head.

While he sat on the edge of the bed he decided it would be best to stay still for a moment. He looked over to the clock on the oak nightstand. It read 9:30 a.m. He didn't have to worry about spreading his part of the light comforter because Meryl had stolen it an hour earlier. He turned his head to see if he woke her. Fortunately she was still sound asleep. Unfortunately for Snake, turning his head so abruptly was a big mistake. His vision swam and he felt sick to his stomach.

He got up carefully, so he would not disturb Meryl. He yawned and stretched his long body out, working the remains of sleep out of his limbs. His muscles rebelled against him. It wasn't the soreness he got after exercising, but the aches that the body gives to tell it's owner that it needs a break.

"Damn! Don't tell me I'm getting a cold again," Snake thought. He had one last month. He rolled his eyes and raked a hand through his thick brown hair. He trudged to the bathroom. Instead of flipping the light switch to the dimmest setting, Snake opened the shade on the solitary window to let in the natural light. He looked into the oak trimmed mirror over the white porcelain face bowl and saw that his eyes were very bloodshot. He shook his head, the movement caused him great pain. "Stop doing that," Snake thought, "you know what's going to happen." He took a deep breath, or attempted to, because his throat locked up on him. He went into a coughing fit. He effectively smothered the coughs by covering his mouth. He was raised in a military setting, not in a barn. He scrubbed a hand over his face.

"Yeah I'm definitely coming down with something," he said to his reflection.

He handled all of the mandatory maintenance, including a quick shower. He was grateful that the nausea he experienced earlier went away. Snake couldn't stand throwing up, even when he knew he would feel better after doing so. The last time that had happened was when Meryl tried to make some chicken cacciatore. She didn't cook it long enough and he ended up getting a mild case of food poisoning. Meryl would never learn about that.

He opened up the medicine cabinet to see if he had any cough syrup and pain relievers. He saw some new bottles of aspirin and Tylenol, a bottle of maximum strength Pamprin (Meryl's of course), but no cough syrup. He didn't need Miss Cleo to tell him that a trip to the store was in his immediate future. He took two aspirin and swallowed them down with the water from the sink.

Snake went back into the bedroom and went to his dresser. He went to the bottom drawer where he kept all of his pants and pulled out some dark blue jeans, in the middle drawer he pulled out a green T-shirt, and finally in the top drawer he pulled out some white boxer briefs and some white socks. He turned toward the bed to see that Meryl was still asleep so he changed right in the bedroom. He debated on whether or not to iron the T-shirt and decided it wasn't necessary, he was going to be wearing a jacket anyway and a hat too for that matter. Snake groaned inwardly, hats were not his favorite headgear but with his hair still slightly damp from the shower he couldn't risk going outside with it in that state.

He made his way to the large closet to pull out his navy blue jacket and brown boots. As he stuck his left foot in the corresponding boot, there was a tickling sensation in his nose that he couldn't suppress. He sneezed loudly and this led to another round of coughing, which in turn made his head pulsate with pain.

His sneezing must have invaded Meryl's dreams because she slowly awakened.

"David, are you feeling okay?" She asked groggily. She turned towards him and was surprise to see that he was dressed to go out. He had a blue knitted cap on his head. He was all set to go except for his left foot that was only halfway in his boot.

"Where are you going?" She asked sounding more alert.

"I'm just going to head to the store and pick up some cough medicine."

"Oh no, don't even think about going out in the street sounding like that!" She flipped the blue mass of covers off of her and got out of the bed. She marched right up to Snake. Despite only having on a blue camisole and matching panties, she was very much in authority.

"It's nothing serious, Meryl. Just a little cold." At this precise moment Snake's body chose to show how not to prove a point. He sounded like he was going to hack up a lung at any moment.

Meryl pressed the back of her right hand against his forehead. "Oh sweetie, you're burning up." She trailed that same hand down his cheek in a quick, but gentle caress. She started unzipping his jacket.

Snake looked down at her. "What the hell are you doing?" He asked grumpily.

"Snake," Meryl said with an edge, "You have a fever and you sound really congested. I'm sure your head is killing you too. You are not going outside." She stamped her right foot and put her hands on her hips. She looked him in the eye unwaveringly. All Snake saw in her lovely green eyes was a challenge, a little compassion may have been sprinkled in there also.

Snake knew he had lost this one, but he wasn't going out without saying how he felt. "I'm not a damn invalid."

"I know you're not, David. Far from it actually." Meryl took one of his larger hands in hers. "You don't have to do everything by yourself anymore; I'm here with you," she said sweetly. "I'm going to take care of you until you get better so don't be such a stubborn bastard about it, okay?" She smiled up at him and patted his cheek.

Snake growled half-heartedly because it made his throat hurt.

Meryl help him get out of his coat. She quickly fixed the bed and pushed him down on it. "Stay here. I'll get you something comfortable."

She went to his dresser and pulled out some gray jogging pants and replaced the blue jeans. She handed the pants to Snake. She went into her drawers and pulled out a few pieces of clothing and then walked to bathroom.

"I'll be ready in a moment Snake. While I'm in here, think of anything else you want me to pick up while I'm out."

Snake was not happy. Yeah he was sick, but that's beside the point. It's just the thought of him sitting down doing absolutely nothing while someone else does something for him. It was just unnatural. For most of Snake's life he's been independent. When he was a little boy he had to take care of himself. Meryl may have memories of her mother taking care of her when she was sick as a child, but all Snake could remember was Big Boss saying, "Suck it up, boy. You'll live." Or "While you're making your soup, put a steak in the broiler for me. Oh, and boil me some potatoes. I don't want to see any skin on them either." Snake pulled on the jogging pants and fluffed up his pillows then burrowed under the covers. "Unnatural!" His mind screamed. He heard the shower going and remembered he was supposed to be thinking about something else. "Oh yeah, we need some more orange juice," he thought. He took a steno pad and a pen from the nightstand and started writing.

Meryl moved swiftly in the bathroom as usual. She wasn't the type of girl that needed two hours of prep time before she was "presentable". Within twenty minutes she was walking out of the bathroom, running a brush through her shoulder length red hair. She had thrown on some black jeans and a black tank top.

"Do you have the list together?"

"Yeah." He gave her the list with a scowl on his face.

She looked down at the list and stuck it in her pocket. She sat on the edge of the bed near Snake and looked down at him.

While I was in the bathroom, I was thinking."

"Hmmm." He wanted her to go on.

"I know you're not used to other people doing things for you. But you're just going to have to get used to it, because that's what people do when they care about each other." She looked at him intently. "And I more than care for you. You know that, right?"

Snake started to feel warm and it wasn't because of the fever. "Yeah, I do."

She took in the blush spreading across his face. That doesn't happen to often. "You know I love you sweetie." She bent down and gave him a kiss on the cheek and then another one on the corner of his mouth. Snake wrapped his arms around her.

"I love you too." He responded softly. He felt her mouth spread into a grin against his skin. She stepped out of the embrace.

"And why should you have a monopoly on doing nice things for folks, huh?" She poked him in the side playfully. "I'll be back as soon as I can." She went to the closet to pull out a blue pullover and put on some gym shoes. "I'm going to be passing by Blockbuster, is there a movie you want me to pick up?"

Snake thought about it for a moment. "Pick up Army of Darkness if they have it.

"Okay. I'm also going to pick up some things to make you some chicken noodle soup!" she said while she was going down the stairs.

Time froze for Snake. His mind reeled. "Oh My God!"

Snake thought he was feeling bad now. He could just see the undercook flakes of chicken breast meat, floating in a bland broth filled with hard circles of carrots, mushy corn kernels and green peas, and stringy chunks of celery.

"Um...um Pumpkin!" He called out urgently, using one of his pet names for Meryl. "I don't want you to be bothered with all of that, okay?"

"Oh why not?" She asked in wheedling tones as she came up the steps.

Snake managed to come up with an excuse. "Well like you said, I'm not used to other people doing things for me and I just need to take it in doses." He looked up at her with guileless eyes. She smiled.

"Okay, I'll take it slow. What can I get for you instead?"

"She bought it!" Snake thought triumphantly. He kept his feelings of success from showing on his face. "Would you get some Campbell's Home Style chicken noodle soup, for me?"

Meryl smiled mischievously. "You want me to call my Uncle Roy and ask him to make you some chicken soup?"

Snake groaned. "No goofball. It's in the canned-You know what I'm talking about! You've been hanging around Otacon too much."

She laughed. She then sobered and looked at him with concern. "Your chest isn't hurting is it?" She knew that when Fox Die activates it resembles a heart attack. Every time she thought about it, she just pictured strangling Naomi until the conniving broad's eyes popped out of her head. Meryl tries not to think about it, but that dark cloud is always in the back of her mind.

Snake shook his head and Meryl sighs with relief. "You're not having any pains in your hands either?"

Snake shakes his head again but this movement causes his head to pound. He massaged his temples.

"Okay. I'm gone for real this time. I'll be back soon." She looked hard at him. "Don't you even think about smoking any cigarettes while I'm gone!"

"Don't tell me my business, devil woman!" Snake thought. What he said out loud was, "Okay." He wasn't going to smoke any cigs because he didn't feel like it anyway, not because she forbidden him. Yeah, that's the reason.

She went down the stairs and a few moments later Snake heard the front door close.

Snake tried to make himself comfortable. He fluffed his pillows again and laid back down.

This wasn't working. He was used to doing something. Anything.

He was staring at the ceiling when his nose stopped up on him.

He growled in irritation.

He turned on his left side. He still couldn't breathe.

He turned on his right side. His left nostril decided that it would work.

Snake closed his eyes and after a few minutes he was able to go back to sleep. As he was nearing deep sleep the phone rang and took him away from his slumber.

"Dammit!" Snake yelled. He reached over and picked up the phone.

"Hello," he said a little more pleasantly.

"Hello to you, Sir!" A male voiced replied perkily. Snake shook his head. A damned telemarketer. It was almost safe to say a goddamned telemarketer.

"This is Phillip--"

Snake didn't even let the man finish his sentence. "Not interested. Take my number off of your list." He hung up the phone. He thought he had been quite charitable. He could have told the man to go to hell like he used to. Maybe Meryl was mellowing him.

Snake settled his heavy head on the pillow and turned on his right again but his nose had become stuffy again. He rolled on his left side and that worked.

"Okay, going to sleep now," he thought.

The phone rang again. Snake swiftly turned around. "Son of a-"

He picked it up and hissed "Yes."

"Hi, Dave," a male voice said hesitantly. It was Otacon's voice. "I just called to say 'hey'."

"Hey." Snake response was phlegm-filled. He cleared his throat.

"Hey," Otacon said lamely. "Uh, you alright."

"I'm okay. Just coming down with a little cold." Snake started to wheeze.

Snake made a mental note not to say that it's 'just a little cold' anymore, because that phrase seemed to be a catalyst for coughing fits.

"Well, is there anything I can do to help you, man? Something I can drop off?"

Snake thought back to what Meryl said about people doing things for people they cared about. He decided that he should test it out, and now is just as good a time as any. Over the past year he and Otacon had become good friends.

"Umm... could you make some of those banana nut muffins?" He asked hesitantly. Otacon made them on a previous occasion; a picnic and they were pretty damn good.

"Sure, Dave!" Otacon said, surprised that his friend enjoyed them. "I'll start making them now and I'll stop by in about a hour and a half."

"Thanks, Hal."

"See you later."

"Okay." Snake hung up the phone. Wow, all he had to do was ask. That's amazing.

He shook his head and laid down again. In a few moments he was able to get back to sleep.

***

Meryl was in the neighborhood grocery store in the medicine section. She picked up a bottle of Dayquil and a bottle of Nyquil. In the same section she found the throat lozenges and Vick's Vapor Rub. She doubled checked her list. "Okay David wants the Ricola brand but not the cherry-mint kind. He wants the honey-menthol kind. She found what she was looking for and threw that in the cart.

She hurried and got out of that aisle. She was a woman with a mission. At that thought she grinned. She elaborated on the make believe scenario. "Agent Silverburgh, you've been given a mission to obtain orange juice, preferably Tropicana; let no one stand in your way." She giggled. "I pity the foo' grocer that don't have Tropicana Orange juice and if they do have it, I pity the foo' that only carries Grovestand." Snake made it well known that he does not like orange juice with lots of pulp.

She made her way to the refrigerated section of the store. She picked a carton of Tropicana Pure Premium. As an afterthought she picked up some American and Colby cheese. She noticed the other day that they were running low. "Okay," she thought to herself, "all I have left is the paper towels and the soup." She picked those things up and made her way into the express checkout line. Ten items or less the sign said.

Standing ahead of her in the line was an elderly woman with a bottle of Sun-Maid prune juice and a box of shredded wheat. Non-frosted. The woman also had more mainstream items. It looked like she would be cooking a dinner for a family. She had a turkey, a can of turkey gravy, a bag of cranberries, and a package of cornmeal. Meryl was just learning how to cook. She thought that she was making pretty good progress. Well no one had told her anything bad, but she knew she was nowhere near 'Turkey Dinner' level of proficiency. "One day though," she thought optimistically.

While the cashier was ringing up the current customers groceries, Meryl looked at the magazines lining the lane. She remembered that they don't have a current TV Guide. She picked it up. She looked at the price. $1.99, was printed on the cover. Wow. She remembered when they were only seventy-nine cents, and she was only nineteen.

When she was checked out, her total was thirty-seven dollars. She put the groceries in the trunk of Snake's Saturn and drove across the street to the Blockbuster.

When she walked in the people were very polite and said hello as soon as the door chimed. She went straight to the DVD section to see if they had a copy of Snake's movie. Luckily they did. She wondered if she could find anything interesting. She knew she didn't have time to dilly-dally. Otacon was telling her about this Hellsing show that sound interesting. He had shown her two movies, Vampire Hunter D and it's sequel and she really liked them. The lanky engineer was molding her into a mini-Otaku. She looked for that and surprisingly she found it. It looked like Blockbuster was slowly and steadily becoming more diverse.

She went to the check out and pulled out Snake's Blockbuster Reward's card and a picture ID. Her name was listed on his account. Meryl handed the cards to the clerk. She only had to pay for the Hellsing DVD because for every movie a Rewards member rents they can get an older movie free. Army of Darkness was not a new release. She grabbed the plastic bag and got into the car to make her way back home.

***

Meryl arrived 15 minutes later. She had been gone for nearly an hour. She walked into the house quietly and put up the groceries. She left one jar of the soup on the counter. She pulled a medium sized saucepan from the island in the middle of the spacious kitchen. She went to the sink and rinsed it and washed her hands. She got the soup started. While the soup was heating up she went into one of the cabinets near the refrigerator and pulled out a tray so Snake would be able to eat in bed. After a few minutes the soup was hot. After getting a bowl together, complete with crackers, she cautiously made her way up the stairs.

When she got to the bedroom door she noticed that the TV wasn't on. Snake was on the side of the bed closest to the door as usual and he was asleep. She hated to wake him up, but he wouldn't be able to take any medicine on an empty stomach. She put the tray on top of the waist high dresser and walked over to the bed.

When Meryl stepped back into the house, Snake sensed it but he felt at ease so he just drifted right back to sleep. But now he could feel that someone was standing near the bed. He rolled over and slowly opened his eyes.

"Are you hungry?"

"A little bit."

"I brought some soup." She moved to help Snake sit up so his back would on the headboard of the bed. Surprisingly he allowed her to do it. After he was settled she brought the tray over. "I found your movie on DVD would you like me to put it in."

"Yes, please."

She went downstairs and quickly returned with the rental. She walked to the wood entertainment cabinet and set up the TV and popped the disk in.

"You like this movie, a lot?" She was curious.

"It's pretty damn good, actually." Snake remarked.

"It looks like it might be corny. I mean, Army of Darkness." She raised her eyebrows.

"You've never seen this movie before?" Snake asked incredulously. To Snake, this movie was a classic. A battle of good vs. evil, all together great stuff in his opinion.

She shook her head. "Uh-uh. Never."

"Well if you can stand being in here with my sick ass, we could look at it together."

She scoffed. "You think a little cold is going to protect you from me." She did take notice of the sick smell that was starting to permeate the room. "Poor Snake," she thought, "He's really coming down with it."

She walked towards the windows. "You don't mind if I crack this a little do you."

"No, go ahead." Snake answered.

She returned to the bed and sat on it, then took off her shoes. Before she pushed 'play' she asked him a few questions.

"So this is part of a series, right?"

"Yeah, this is the third movie in the Evil Dead trilogy."

"Do I have to have knowledge of the first two movies in order to understand this one?"

"No, that's the great thing about this movie. It has a great recap of the events in Evil Dead 2. The first movie wasn't that good anyway."

"Are these movies scary?"

"No they're not scary in a Nightmare on Elm Street way. They're more comical than scary. Why don't you start the movie and see for yourself." Snake said feeling a little exasperated.

Meryl pushed the play button on the remote and looked over at Snake, who was busy eating his soup. She returned her attention to the twenty-seven inch screen television.

On the screen men are shown walking in a desert. The camera focuses on the legs of a man that's wearing dusty brown pants and dusty gym shoes His legs are outfitted with chains that lead to the person behind him. The man behind him is clothed in steel boots and medieval dress.

"What?" Meryl wondered what the heck was going on.

"Give it a minute." Snake said, understanding why she was confused.

The camera zooms out and shows the upper half of the gym-shoed man. It seems that he and the other prisoners are wearing what Meryl could only think of as mini stocks. The man with the modern clothes has one hand and a stump in the two hand holes.

Meryl started laughing. "Why does he have his stump in the hand hole? It's not like he can do anything with it."

"Be quiet," Snake chided, chuckling himself. "He's about to do the recap."

"Oh," Meryl said. She watched the movie.

Evidently the man in the modern dress, Ash was a slave. But he reminisced of better times. He had a job he enjoyed at S-Mart and a cute girlfriend named Linda that worked there also. The problems started when the two lovebirds went to a small cabin in the mountains for a little get away. They didn't know that this cabin was where an archeologist did research on the infamous Necronomicron, the book of the dead.

While translating the dark book the archeologist awoke 'something dark in the woods'. It killed Linda and wanted Ash dead too.

"It got in my hand... and it went bad," Ash explained on the TV. A semi-cheesy cut scene showed his hand being 'infected' by the evil. "So I lopped it off at the wrist," he said while a flashback of him laughing maniacally while cutting his hand with a chainsaw played.

That's why his hand is missing." She shook her head. This movie was too crazy. She was thoroughly enjoying it though.

Snake looked over at Meryl's face and knew that it was all over for her. She was going to be an Evil Dead fan.

When Snake finished his soup she paused the movie and took the tray back down stairs and washed the bowl. She grabbed the grocery bag with the cough medicine, throat lozenges and Vick's Vapor Rub and went back upstairs.

"Snake is your head still hurting?" she asked when she stepped back into the bedroom.

"No, I took some aspirin earlier," he said. But he told her how he was feeling as far as the other symptoms were concerned.

"That bad, huh?"

She opened up the Dayquil and poured the recommended dosage into the medicine cup. She handed it over to Snake.

"Thank you, Nurse Meryl," he said with some sarcasm after he drank the cup's nasty contents.

"Suck it up Snake. I'm going to help you get better whether you like it or not!"

"Touchy-touchy." He held out the medicine cup.

She snatched the cup away from him and went to the bathroom to put the medicine where it belonged.

When she came back she flounced on the bed. She was frowning.

Snake reached out and grabbed her hand. "C'mon you know I was playing. I really appreciate what you're doing for me."

"Okay." She smiled. She turned the movie back on.

They had watched the movie for about thirty-five minutes, when the doorbell rang.

"I wonder who that is?" Meryl asked.

Snake mentally slapped himself. "I forgot to tell you that Otacon called and said he was stopping by. That's probably him now."

"Okay I'll be back." She patted him on the hand as she was getting of the bed. She went downstairs, yet again. She went to the front door and looked through the peephole. It was indeed Otacon.

She opened the door.

"C'mon in," she welcomed him warmly.

"Hi, Meryl. How's Snake feeling?"

She told him what Snake said.

Otacon's faced reddened because it was difficult for him to hear such coarse language coming out of such a pretty face. Snake could say that, because frankly he didn't have a pretty face.

"Well, how sick is that?" he asked.

"I guess it's a step or two up from 'sick as Hell'.

"Oh."

She noticed that Otacon had a plastic bag in his hand. "What's in there?" she asked pointing to the bag.

"Just some muffins I made."

"Oh, really! That was nice of you! What kind are they?" She really hoped they were the banana nut ones.

"Banana nut." Meryl did a little happy dance in her mind.

Meryl slapped her forehead. "I'm being so rude. Sorry. Make yourself comfortable. Let me take your coat."

Otacon handed her his khaki coat. Underneath he was wearing a black T-shirt and some dark blue jeans.

Meryl hung up his coat on the wooden coat tree that was near the door. When she finished she turned and looked at Otacon.

Otacon wasn't a bad looking guy. He was a little skinny but definitely attractive. It was easier to see that now since he abandoned those coke-bottle bifocals and traded them in for a more stylish pair. His new glasses were thin wire frames in a gunmetal color. The lenses were rectangular in shape and had no visible bifocals. They really suited him, Meryl thought.

Besides being good looking, he was extremely smart, funny (in her opinion), and sweet. She wondered why he didn't have a girlfriend. "Maybe it's because he's so shy," she thought.

Otacon flushed under her scrutiny. "What? Is there something in my nose?"

She smiled and shook her head. "No, I was just thinking."

"So what have you guys been up to?" Otacon asked, changing the subject.

"We've been looking at a movie, Army of Darkness."

"Really!" Otacon said. He liked that movie. "What part are you on?"

"Oh no! You like this movie too?" she exclaimed. She felt so out of the loop.

"Oh yeah, I have the whole series on DVD. This movie actually has a directors cut that's pretty good." He continued talking for a while about how the first Evil Dead movie was a pile of monkey dung and how the first DVD editions of the movies were really bad transfers.

"Ash is starting his quest to get the Necronomicron so he can save the kingdom and go home. Well we're at the part where Ash is in the windmill and he broke a mirror and has to fight all the little Ashes."

"So the Wiseman has already told him about the three words." Otacon asked.

"Yes, and Ash cussed him out." Meryl said smiling.

"What did you think about his new hand."

"It's 'groovy'," she joked.

Otacon laughed. "It seems like you're liking the movie.

"It's very silly but I'm enjoying it." She pointed to Otacon's bag. "You can put those on the counter."

"Okay."

They walked into the kitchen. "Do you think Snake wants one, now?" Otacon asked.

Meryl rolled her eyes. "Knowing him..."

"Yeah," the two said simultaneously. They started cracking up.

"No laughing!!" a raspy voice called down from upstairs.

"Aww, Snake's just mad because we're having fun without him," Meryl said to Otacon, her laughter stifled to giggles.

"We're coming!! Do you want some orange juice?" she called up to her cranky beau.

"Yeah," he didn't bother saying please. They had probably been talking about him.

"Would you, um... put one of the muffins in a paper towel for me, while I pour the Master's orange juice."

Otacon grinned. "Sure. Has Snake been giving you problems?"

"No not really. He's a little cranky. He's put up with worse from me, so I can deal," she said thinking about the way she acts during a certain time of the month.

She offered Otacon one of his homemade muffins, he declined saying that he had a batch waiting at home. "Oh well, more for me-uh I mean more for Dave.

They finished the preparations in the kitchen and made their way back upstairs, with Meryl leading. Otacon was admiring the view.

When they reached the bedroom Snake glared at them, but when he saw the pastry in Otacon's hand his frown turned into a smile.

"This is for you," Otacon said passing the muffin to his friend.

"Thanks."

Meryl set the orange juice on the nightstand. She walked over to the beautifully varnished writing desk that was to the right of the windows and pulled the padded leather chair out so it was near the bed. This would be Otacon's seat. Meryl sat back down on her spot on the bed and started the movie back up.

On the TV, Ash was able to defeat the little Ashes, but not before one of them jumped in his mouth. Ash tried to do everything to get the little bugger out, including gagging himself and drinking scalding hot water! Then an eyeball started growing on his shoulder. As time passed another being was growing in his body. When he ran out of the windmill he had two identical heads.

"What the hell..." Meryl said.

Snake and Otacon looked at each other and smiled. Snake went back to eating his muffin.

After numerous slapsticky antics, Parasite Ash finally separated from the real Ash. The Fake Ash steadily tormented the real Ash and the real Ash wondered why.

"You're Good Ash and I'm Bad Ash." Bad Ash, Otacon, and Snake announced simultaneously.

Meryl groaned. The guys knew the dialogue. It was sick.

The Bad Ash started dancing while singing, "You're a Goodie Little Two Shoes, You're A Goodie Little Two Shoes, Goodie Little Two Shoes."

Good Ash took out his shotgun and shot Bad Ash in the head, causing him to fly into a tree.

"Good, bad. I'm the guy with the gun," Good Ash, Otacon, and Snake replied simultaneously.

"Would you two stop it?" she asked getting peeved.

"We can't help it," Otacon said honestly.

Back on the TV screen, Ash dismembered the still living clone using his chain saw. He put all the pieces in a bag then buried it. He got back on his horse and rode off to obtain the Book of the Dead.

"Snake, I didn't know you liked this movie." Otacon remarked.

"It's one of my favorites."

"You learn something new everyday," Otacon said.

Well Ash managed to get to the cemetery where the book was located without any more confrontations, but a problem arose. There were three books!

"Wait a minute... hold it. Nobody said anything about three books."

Otacon started laughing. "Snake that's the exact opposite of the whole three-in-one card key when you were 'deactivating' REX.

"Stupid card key. Hot, cold, room temperature. I could kill the stupid bastard that came up with that." Snake mumbled remembering how some of the lava from the blast furnace almost popped on him.

"Hey! I'm the 'stupid bastard that came up with that'!" Otacon yelled.

"Yeah, well remind me of that when I get better," Snake joked.

"That's not funny, Snake." Otacon sulked.

While Snake and Otacon were bickering, Ash was still confused. He decided to just pick up any of the books. This yielded disastrous results. The first one he tried sucked him in like a vacuum. Once he reemerged his face was all out of shape but he was able to shake it back to normal. This made Meryl laugh. It was just like a cartoon.

"Whoa... wrong book."

"You think?" Meryl said to the TV. She thought about what just happened. "Now that was dumb as hell. His face should still be screwed up."

"Just roll with it." Snake said.

The second book Ash tried to attack him. By the process of elimination Ash determined that it must be the remaining book. He barely remembered to utter the three words before touching the book. Unfortunately Ash could only remember the first two. He totally bullshitted the third. He grabbed the book. As soon as he removed it from the pedestal all Hell broke loose in the graveyard. Tombstones were flying up like bottle rockets. The ground quaked and lightning illuminated the sky sporadically. The lightning struck several people in Arthur's kingdom.

"What a dumbass," Meryl said still laughing.

Ash tried to get the hell out of there but a skeleton's hand emerged from the ground and tripped him. More hands grabbed him and Moe, Larry, and Curlyish antics ensued.

Snake and Otacon were chuckling through out the whole thing.

Ash was able to escape the cemetery and rode off back to King Arthur's castle. While he was riding off, the ominous lightning hit Bad Ash's makeshift grave. This caused him to reform, but he looked like a decomposing zombie.

"Doesn't this dude ever die! I mean he was shot in the head, then mutilated. I don't understand," Meryl said.

Otacon shook his head. "When Ash took the book out without saying the three words the 'army of the dead'; the Deadites awakened and Bad Ash is their leader.

Meryl looked to Snake for confirmation. "What he said," Snake replied. He shifted uncomfortably turning his head this way and that.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"My nose is stopped up. It's hard to breathe."

"I got the just the stuff you need," Meryl said. She went into the bathroom and got the Vick's out of the medicine cabinet. She walked over to Snake's side of the bed and opened up the small blue jar and put some on her right index finger. Her finger was slowly making it's way toward Snake's nose.

"Stop that! I can do it myself!" He grabbed her wrist with his left hand and transferred the smelly stuff from her finger to one of his and smeared it on his nose himself. "I'm not a damn baby."

Instead of her feelings being hurt Meryl just smirked. "Sorry," she said insincerely. She had a feeling he would react like that.

Otacon knew better than to laugh out loud because when Snake got better there would be some hell to pay.

On the TV, Ash's squeeze Sheila was snatched by a flying Deadite and taken to Bad Ash.

"Oh he sucks! Letting his girl get taken like that." Meryl said. Oops, wrong thing to say considering the company she was in. She hadn't meant it personally. She was fine, Snake hadn't given up and that's why she was still breathing.

Snake either ignored what Meryl said or didn't take it a bad way. Otacon looked at her and raised his eyebrows. They locked eyes and she hastily shook her head.

Snake took a sip of his orange juice. The muffin was good, but a little dry. He was able to breathe better too. He hated that Vick's stuff, but it did work.

At first Ash was all about going home to his time but now that Sheila was abducted it changed his whole outlook. He lead the people in their battle against the Deadites, giving them some of the advantages of his modern-day 'knowledge' like the formula for gunpowder.

"Please tell me why this idiot has a chemistry book in his car."

"Shhh." Otacon and Snake said.

During the last few scenes of the movie, Ash, King Arthur and his people faced off against Bad Ash and his army of skeletons. Oh yes and the undead Sheila. It was only a given that Ash would have to fight her.

The Deadites were steadily wearing down King Arthur's men. Fortunately for them, the Calvary arrived. Arthur's cousin, Henry, that he hated so much in the beginning of the film, came with his soldiers.

Ash in the meantime was working his way to Bad Ash, who is trying to obtain the Necronomicron.

"Ash is a complete idiot but he can really kick some butt," Meryl said impressed.

"Yeah." Snake agreed.

Before Ash was able to get to Bad Ash, Undead Sheila got in the way.

"You found me beautiful once." Undead Sheila said onscreen.

"Honey. You got real ugly." Snake and Otacon really started laughing hard then. The laughing made Snake cough. Meryl handed him a lozenge.

Sheila came at Ash and he speared her and threw her over the battlement.

Ash finally was able to confront Bad Ash. Bad Ash was whooping Ash's ass for a little while, but not without taking some serious damage himself. Ash burned his evil clone's skin off with a torch, and he threw the flaming body off the battlements. It seemed to be a popular tactic for him.

"That takes care of the cremation," Snake commented.

But this was not so, Bad Ash, like all evil clones didn't know when to toss in the towel. Bad Ash beat Ash up some more, this time knocking him off the battlements.

While Ash was subdued and sprawled on the ground, Bad Ash stole the Necronomicron . He gloated about his acquisition while he was twenty feet above Ash. He dropped down to where Ash was to brag further, but little did he know he landed on a catapult that was currently loaded with a bag of gunpowder and this bag had a lit wick that was steadily nearing the end of the line. Ash gathered his strength and cut the hand that held the Dark book off of Bad Ash's body. He cut the rope and caused Bad Ash to fly in the air along with his explosive cushion. His detonation was like a Forth of July celebration for the people of the land.

"Heh! He blew up real nice. The bastard." Meryl noted.

Amazingly after Bad Ash was defeated, Sheila despite being turned into a zombie, falling off of a battlement, and being stabbed in the stomach by a spear returned to her normal beautiful self.

Before Meryl was able to even open her mouth Otacon said, "Let it go."

Ash having saved the day was able to go back home using a potion the Wiseman concocted based on a recipe found in the Book of the Dead. He had to remember to say the three words correctly, though. Before leaving he gave his medieval girl a last kiss goodbye.

The image segued to a blue flashing light. Ash is back in his comfort zone: S-Mart. Evidently he had been recalling his exploits to a fellow employee, who made no effort to hide that he thought Ash was full of crap.

"Did you say the words right this time?" the co-worker asked.

"Of course he didn't." Meryl sighed.

The movie proved Meryl to be correct. A Deadite passing as a costumer attacked. Ash dispatched the fiend with efficency using one of S-Mart's own shotguns.

After that task was completed Ash thought to himself. "Sure I could have stayed in the past. Could have been King. But in my own way, I am King. Hail to the King, Baby!"

The credits started to roll.

Meryl face broke into a wide grin. "That was the stupidest thing I've seen in my life!"

"But you loved it though didn't you?" Otacon asked, understanding her reaction.

She nodded her head and smiled ruefully "Yeah."

Watching the movie with his girlfriend and Otacon had been enjoyable but he still felt like crap. His cough was starting to get worse.

"David, I'm going to make you some tea," Meryl said looking concerned.

Snake nodded his head and coughed some more.

Otacon looked at his friend with pity. Maybe he could cheer him up.

"I got a good one for you." Otacon grinned.

"Get the hell out of here," Snake said nasally. "You see I'm suffering here, please don't add to it," he pleaded. Snake knew what Otacon's idea of a 'good one' was and right now he didn't think he could handle it.

Fortunately Otacon listened to him. "Okay Snake, I'll tell you when you feel better."

Snake looked at Otacon and whispered weakly, "I hope she doesn't burn the water."

Otacon smirked. He knew how bad Meryl's cooking was first hand.

After a few minutes Meryl returned with a mug of tea. Otacon sensing he did all he could do for his friend took his leave. Otacon patted Snake on the shoulder and told him that he would call him tomorrow. Before he left Meryl gave him a hug and thanked him again for bringing the muffins.

Snake sipped on his tea. It was a little sweeter than he was used to from the honey, but that was okay this time because it would help his sore throat.

While he drank he watched Meryl as she pushed the chair back in place.

"You know I'm going to get you for that little Vick's stunt you tried to pull."

She waved the threat away and laughed. "That's what your mouth said."

"Just wait till I get better. You won't be talking all that garbage."

She turned torwards him and smiled a wicked little smile. "We'll see."

A/N: I added some more stuff to the ending because it went a little too abruptly. Also the original ending lost focus of what the story was really about...Snake being sick. I planned for Otacon to tell a joke in this story, but it was so bad that I decided against it. I really enjoyed writing this story. I hope that you enjoyed reading it as well. The MGS series is one of my favorites and Army of Darkness is one of my favorite movies. The movie is pretty dumb, but I just can't help loving it. It's eerie how MGS and AOD parallel each other at times. (or maybe that's just me that thinks that). The idea of Otacon cooking muffins was inspired by JennH's Solid Snake vs. DDR. Any comments you have would be greatly appreciated.