Fan Fiction ❯ Solid Snake Goes to the Proctologist ❯ Deleted Scenes ( Chapter 2 )

A/N: No this is not another chapter in the story. These are just parts I had thought to put in the story that didn't quite work. They were just sitting in what was supposed to be my Spanish notebook. So let's just say these are deleted scenes. JennH suggested that I put them in a bonus chapter and I thought that was a pretty cool idea. Thanks! So if you think they suck just remember I kept them out of the main story. So just purge them from memory!

Disclaimer: I got news for y'all, Scarbie don't own two things: Jack and Sh!t and Jack left town. (Yeah, I guess that made sense)

*~*The Parking Lot*~*

After driving amongst the nut jobs for 45 minutes, Snake managed to get to the 'STSMFSTSS' unscathed. The parking lot was almost empty. He stepped out of his car and started to walk purposefully to the facility.

"Well Snake, I thought you would be a SUV man," a cultured voice called out.

"Who the hell is calling me by my code name out in the open," Snake thought acidly. He turned around and saw a man wearing a charcoal suit. "Well if it isn't Mr. Fancy Pants," Snake thought as he saw James Bond walking to his BMW Z3.

"No, I hate those pieces of shit!" Snake said vehemently, vaguely recalling an Explorer driver who tailgated him for twenty minutes. Damn SUV drivers and their God complexes.

"Oh," Bond said calmly, but internally he was surprise. Snake had this 'American Bad ass' image that got under his skin; smoking like a chimney, not using complete sentences, having an atrocious hairstyle, and the lists goes on. Snake was nowhere near as debonair and cultured as himself. So he just knew that Snake had either an SUV or a truck, more than likely made by Ford. Imagine his surprise when he saw Snake rolling in a Saturn LS. Feeling more than a little salty he immediately got into his vehicle and sped off.

"Hmmph, asshole!" Guys like that pissed Snake off. They wanted to come off all cool and crap but really they were like school in the summer time....No class.

*~*Stressin'*~*

After repeated attempts in psyching himself, Snake found that the it was futile. He really wished he hadn't left his pack of smokes in the glove compartment. Screw not smoking in public places. He was seriously stressed. Recalling all of his amazing endeavors did nothing to calm his nerves. He dimly wondered if this feeling that gripped his heart was akin to what Otacon felt when he saw the Ninja... no Grey Fox. "Well it's definitely not that bad. I'm too dry for that," Snake thought. He knew what he needed to do. "I need to talk to somebody," Snake thought frantically, "that always makes me feel better."

He got in a crouched position and placed a hand behind an ear. The draft that he felt before suddenly intensified. "Damn it!" he knew that Mei Ling was a genius and all but he wished that she would fixed this bug in the codec system. The only way you could receive good reception was if you were positioned like this. He dialed a frequency:

"Yeah, Master always has good advice." He encouraged Snake a lot in Zanzibar. "Wait a second," Snake thought, "Liquid killed him and then impersonated him. And then I killed Liquid."

"Oh no," he groaned, "I'm going friggin' crazy." He then dialed another frequency:

Come on pick up, pick up. No response. Damn! Who else could he call? He definitely couldn't call Meryl because he didn't want her to see him in this state. What would she think of him? Wait a minute... Otacon always has his codec activated. That means this facility has some kind of shielding or harmonic resonance, or whatever Mei Ling said.

"Well... I guess I'm all alone." Snake said disconsolately on the verge of tears. "Damn it!" he cursed aloud, banging his fist into the ground. He scrambled back to the examination table. He tried repeating a mantra he'd heard before. "I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the small death that leads to oblivion." Snake rapidly thought this over and over. Damn, might have worked for Peter Puppy but it wasn't working for him.

There was a knock on the door. Snake was startled. Nothing like pressure to get yourself together.

"Come in," he said resignedly.

*~*Burning Question*~*

Shortly after Dr. Hunter asked Snake the preliminary questions, he asked if Snake any questions of his own. Snake had a lot of questions but many didn't pertain to what was going on at this particular juncture. One question that was relevant eventually came to his mind. One that he always wanted to know the answer to:

"Why doesn't corn fully digest?"

The doctor stared at him blankly. "What, he's got to be kidding?" he thought.

Snake looked at the doctor expectantly.

"Uh... I'm not sure Mr. Sears, I suppose there's enzymes that can't be broken down by the stomach acids.

To Snake this sounded like BS. Otacon was smart, he could ask him.

*~*After the Appointment*~*

Dr. Hunter could definitely tell that Mr. Sears didn't want to be at the clinic, but what man did. Mr. Sears was actually one of his more pleasant patients. He took every thing in stride...even the interns showing up. He was reticent but that was better than that Bond jerk who would drone on and on. Also Mr. Sears didn't have genital warts...that's certainly a plus.

A/N #2: Hee hee, Snake really flipped out in this version. See why I didn't put it in the story. As you can probably tell, I do not like James Bond. I truly believe that dude has a multitude of STDs. He goes all around the world and on each mission he 'gets around' *LOL* As we all know Snake is a badass because he just is...no effort there! Oh Yeah! I can definitely see Snake driving a truck just not an SUV. I was just looking at a documentary on SUVs and I must say it was pretty scary. Earthworm Jim, what a great cartoon.