Fan Fiction ❯ The legend of Zelda, Ganondorf's diary ❯ Ganondorf's diary ( One-Shot )

The legend of Zelda, Ganondorf's diary.

 

((A/N: Don't own the legend of Zelda. Other tv/game references I might make, I don't own them either.))

 

Day one:

Dear diary,

 

I got locked in the sacred realm by this annoying kid today, so since I'm facing an eternity of boredom, I decided to keep a journal. Damn that stupid fairy-boy. In his little tights. Obviously gay, the little stinker. There I was, minding my own business, kidnapping an innocent princess, and he just comes along and tried to kill me! I mean, what did I do to him, besides infesting his hometown with monsters, kidnapping the six sages, sending a couple of bosses after him and taking over the world of Hyrule? I tried to sort this out decently, with a little tennis match. Unfortunately, that caused my castle to fall apart! And I didn't have insurance! So you can imagine how pissed I was. Turned into a big pig monster, I did. I tried to decapitate him with two big-ass swords, but the kid was just too fast. Stupid little faggot stuck a sword right down my throat, and then those damn sages grabbed the opportunity to send me here. It's all darkness. I should find a way to decorate this place. Maybe some nice purple cushions would do the trick. And some pink wallpaper to match. But I'll try that tomorrow.

 

 

Day two:

Dear diary,

 

The wallpaper idea didn't work. Whenever I tried to put it up, it just fell down again, right into the dark void of the sacred realm. It must be because there are no walls here or something. Damn. I'm soooo bored. I think I should find a new hobby or something. Oh, I've got it! Scoubidou strings! Kids can be entertained by these things for days! I can try all sorts of cool motives! But where should I get the strings?

 

 

Day five:

Dear diary,

 

The Scoubidou strings I ordered through the internet finally arrived! I made all sorts of nice things with them. Like a puppy, a moblin and a keese. But the masterpiece of my collection is me, beating the crap out of Fairy-boy. I used lots of different string colours. I'll make one of me with the complete Triforce tomorrow! Muahahahah!

 

 

Day six:

Dear diary,

 

I lost the Scoubidou masterpiece. I accidentally dropped, and it fell into the void. Stupid sacred realm! You'd think they would take the time to build a floor here, but noooo! I am soooo gonna kick Zelda's butt when I get out of here. I will kill her descendants! Though some fairy-boy wannabe is probably gonna stick a sword in my head anyway. Why must there always be some hero, with a bad taste of fashion? I mean, honestly! The green doesn't match his eyes at all! And then that hat!

 

Day nineteen:

Dear diary,

 

I tried to entertain myself by playing a game of ping-pong. I created a shadow double to be my opponent, but he sucks at ping-pong! And every time he missed a ball, it fell straight into the void. After ten minutes, we were out of ping-pong balls, so we had to quit.

 

 

Day forty-five:

Dear diary,

 

Guess what I did today? I prank called Zelda! Yeah, that's right! I picked up the phone, dialled her number, and she picked up. So I asked:

“Is your refrigerator running?”

And she was all: “What's a refrigerator?” So then I laughed and hung up! Unfortunately, she has caller ID. She called me back, shouted at me for awhile, said that I was a… what was it again?… “Lame ass Ganondork”

She's such a bitch. But I got back at her big time! I ordered 50 Deku pizza's on her name! She messed with the wrong king of evil!

 

 

Day hundred:

Dear diary,

 

Wow! Already a hundred days eh? To celebrate the occasion, I performed a little puppet show. I used puppets of the six sages, Zelda, and candy-ass. His fairy was a little ping-pong ball on a string. Yeah, turns out I still had a ping-pong ball in my pocket. Anyway, pansy-ass puppet ended up murdering three of the sages. Then fish sage stepped in. What's her name again? Muto? Well, whatever. So she hugged him, and then pansy-ass died. And then Nabooru puppet, who was actually a spy for me, killed the others. But then I killed Nabooru anyway. She was always mean to me. Calling me names, and laughing at me for having two witches as mothers. She said I was a real Ganondoof. Boy, I got back at her big-time when I imprisoned her in a statue. Too bad that stupid Robin hood wannabe released her.

So now I have all these dead puppets. Not a clue what to do with them. Maybe I can sell them to some brainless nerd on Ebay.

 

 

Day hundred and three:

Dear diary,

 

Some goof actually placed a bit on the puppets! His internet name is NaviRulezzz. I wonder if it's someone I know. Boy, he must be really stupid, paying for these things. I mean, the shipping costs from the sacred realm are huuuge! But I can't complain.

 

 

Day hundred and thirty:

Dear diary,

 

Man, I am soooo bored. There really is nothing to do around here. I tried writing a fanfic. It's about me throwing Zelda in a lava pit, drowning fairyboy and taking over the world. Sadly, everyone who reviewed it said it sucked, and that they wanted to see `shounen-ai'. Sigh…

 

 

Day hundred and fifty-nine:

Dear diary,

 

It's so boring in here I've resorted to eating. The sacred realm sloppy joes are really good. The pizza is okay, as long as you order it without anchovies. The Chinese food is very tasty, but the Japanese is still better. I'll try the spaghetti tomorrow. I may be gaining a little weight though. Ohwell, it's not like Nintendo is planning on placing me in a sequel any time soon.

 

 

Day two hundred and twelve:

Dear diary,

 

I've finally decided to have plastic surgery. People always made fun of me because my ears aren't normal and pointy like other Hylian's. So I'll show them! Also, I can get my cheekbones raised for a real bargain. I might do that too.

 

 

Day two hundred and nineteen:

Dear diary,

 

The surgery was a complete success. I look so much cooler now. Though there is still that little problem of my weight. But I just can't stop eating. It's all I have left! Oh, have to go, my egg rolls are here!

 

 

Day three hundred and five:

Dear diary,

 

I almost lost you there. I dropped you into the void and thought you were gone for good. But after about fifty days I remember that I attached you to a string, so I could easily pull you back. Yay! Not much has happened in these days. I did get a new outfit. Well, I had to. I was outgrowing the other one. This one is nice too. It's sorta like a kimono, only cooler. Oh, and Zelda called to say that fairy-boy had been missing for quite some time now, and she wondered if I'd killed him. Ofcourse I didn't. I mean, I'm stuck here, in this damn realm. I'm guessing the kid just fell down a hole somewhere and landed himself in another dimension. But just to tease her I told her I sent an assassin after him. Man, can that girl shriek. She shouted something about her life having no more meaning, and that she would jump off a cliff. So then I laughed and hung up.

 

 

Day three hundred and thirty-two :

Dear diary,

 

I finally know something to do. I read once, that during the winter, animals hibernate. So I'm going to try that. I'll just keep hibernating until the seal is broken. But I need to stock up on supplies and make sure I eat plenty of food before going to sleep. I suppose I should go shopping tomorrow and buy everything I need.

 

 

Day three hundred and thirty-three:

Dear diary,

 

I've bought everything I need. So I'm going to hibernate starting today. It might take a couple of years, but I know Nintendo will break the seal, so that I am awakened. And then I will have my vengeance! And maybe a cool fortress in the sea. And a big bird as my pet. And I can kidnap lots of girls in search of princess Zelda. Muahahahah! Good night.