Fan Fiction ❯ The Life of an Xavier Student ❯ The Life of an Xavier Student ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer: Are you reading this? Do you even care about the disclaimer? Perhaps you're expecting some witty remark pertaining to the fact that I don't own anything. Well that's too bad because there's NO WITTY REMARK!!! AH HA HA HA!

I'm so proud of this. My first real humor fic! I got this idea (as if you really give a hoot where I get my ideas from) while e-mailing my friend because we like to talk about X-Men and how Emma Frost is a slut and Scott is stupid and Jean died AGAIN and all that so- yeah.

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The Life of a Xavier Student

Hello. I am the editor. BOW TO ME FOOLISH MORTALS OR SUFFER CONSEQUENCES TO CRUEL FOR THE HUMAN IMAGAINATION TO THINK OF!!!!!!!!!

Sorry. Sometimes I do that. Anyway, this is a letter from Jimmy (last name withheld) to his parents, after his first week at Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters. You are to read it, for I am the editor. BOW TO ME- sorry. *Ahem* the letter:

Dear Mom and Dad,

Life at the institute is really great! Everyone here is like me, a mutant, isn't that great? Plus, Professor Xavier is a telepath, just like me! And so is Mrs. Grey-Summers, and Miss Frost and about half of the other students! I guess a lot of people are telepaths.

All my teachers are really nice, especially Miss Frost! She's "hot" (that's what Mr. Summers said, and then Mrs. Grey-Summers got mad at him but I don't know why). Some of the older students call her a "slut" and a "whore". I'm guessing that those mean "hot" too.

I'm pretty sure that Mrs. Grey-Summers is married to Mr. Summers, but I'm confused because every once in a while she goes in her room with Mr. Logan and they lock the door.

The teachers are all "X-Men" who are sworn to protect a world that hates and fears them, which I don't really understand, `cause if I lived in a world that hated and feared me I wouldn't protect it. (My stupid roommate just came in and told me that I do live in a world that hates and fears me! He's so stupid, just because I've gotten attacked by angry mobs a couple of times doesn't mean the world hates and fears me, it just means that the mobs do!) Maybe the world hates and fears all of the teachers `cause of Mr. Logan. Everyone here hates and fears him.

Mr. Logan is a very scary man with an unnatural amount of muscles that look really funny on him `cause he's really short. And he doesn't have a last name `cause he can't remember it. I don't know why he finds it so hard to remember things. Mr. Summers says that it's because he drinks to much beer and that makes you loose brain cells. I asked Annie if that was true and she said yes. Annie is the nurse, and she's nice. I'm glad she lets us call her Annie, because she has a weird last name that even Professor Xavier can't pronounce!

There are some "X-Men" who don't teach but they live at the institute. Mr. Wagner is funny, and he looks like an alien! He also does funny tricks and stuff because he used to be part of the circus! He's from Germany, and I didn't know there was a planet Germany, but I guess there is because he's defiantly and alien. He also has a tail, and one time, this kid Tom pulled it, and then Mr. Wagner disappeared and the whole room started to smell! Now we really think he's an alien!

Ms. Dane used to be nice, but then she went crazy. Someone said it was because she and the other Mr. Summers (there are two and Mr. Logan complains about it all the time), were going to get married but didn't, like what happened on that "Friends" episode. I remember when you told me that "Friends" wasn't real, but I don't believe you anymore, `cause everything I heard about at the institute is a lot like "Friends".

One time this girl Susie asked Mr. Drake is he was really a giant ice cube like someone said. He got really mad so we all ran. Later Mr. Summers came in and started to talk about something with Mr. Drake, but we didn't listen because Mr. Logan told us a story about a kid who listened to everything Mr. Summers said and turned into a stupid person and got killed!* No one wants to be stupid and get killed, so we don't listen to him. Mr. Summers always wears these weird glasses and he told us "these ruby quartz glasses help me contain my optic blasts, because the part of my brain that let's me control them was destroyed when I had to jump from a crashing airplane!" So when he was sleeping we snuck in a stole his glasses, and he was really mad in the morning, so we threw them out the window. Kevin (my friend) was afraid that we'd get caught but then Tom said that he doesn't think that anyone likes Mr. Summers anyway, so it wouldn't matter.

Love,

Jimmy

P.S. Tom just came in and said that Mrs. Grey-Summers is dead! He also said that Mr. Summers is the only one whose upset because everyone talking about how this is the third time she's died and that it's really getting stupid.

* Editor's note: This is a true story.

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