Fan Fiction ❯ The Matrix: Retarded ❯ The Matrix: Retarded ( Chapter 1 )

The Matrix - Retarded

 

Neo dozed in his bed, late on a Saturday night. No partying, no nightclubs, no nothing. A book rested on his stomach, only disturbed by labored breaths... in ... out...

His window, opened widely, creaked back and forth, pushed by the slim branches of a maple tree, standing outside his small apartment. Smooth music blared out of his headphones, which had slipped off his ears, when his head had nodded foreward in sleepiness.

Suddenly, as if timed with his breath, his clock ticked softly. (Heh... I had you there!) But Neo slept on, undisturbed by the creaking window, nor by the beeping sound on his computer. It sounded like typing, but Neo slept, a wry smile on his face, showing he had pleasant dreams. The typing on the computer, showed the letters on the screen.

 

I know you're out there. I can feel you... You possess great skill... Follow the white rabbit...

 

Neo lay, undisturbed by the nonsense, finding its way upon his computer screen.

 

Hey... Listen up!.............. Can the Matrix really depend on such a lazy ass?

 

'HEY! ' The typing stopped, and the latter words were shouted into Neo's ears, by a female voice. He jumped nearly 6 feet into the air, and landed on the floor... beside the bed...

 

Humph! Now that I have your ' precious ' attention, listen to me.

 

The only thing heard at this point, was Neo's soft snoring, as he lay face first on the ground.

 

'Dammit, you shit head! LISTEN TO ME!' the voice screamed.

'I'm awake I'm awake!' Grumbled Neo 'Geez, wake a guy during his beauty sleep! Waddya want!' He said angrily. As he noticed, that everything had been typed on his computer screen, he backed into the wall.

 

You do not know me, but I know you,

I know more about you, than you can imagine. Yet you, you do not even know the name of the one who speaks to you.

 

The screen shut off, and the room regained its present peace. Neo threw himself upon his bed, and let out a deep sigh. < Now that... was weird...> he thought to himself.

 

***

 

Neo awoke the next morning, to a frightening sight!

THE WIND HAD KNOCKED HIS OZZY POSTER OFF THE WALL!!! (Got you again, didn't I? heh heh...) He yawned, and turned his head, to face Agent Smith, nose to nose!

' Wakey wakey, Eggs and bakey! ' The Agent, dressed in black said, with a crazy expression on his face. Neo yawned again. And Smith stood up, and put the poster back up. ' ROCK & ROLL!' He screamed...

' It's true, what they say... Television does make you lose 10 pounds...' Neo said, studying Smith's expression. Smith's eyes hardened, which is very hard to see, behind the sunshades.

' And what is THAT supposed to mean? ' He said, planting his hands on his hips, and taking on an "Oh, I broke a nail! " look. He suddenly burst into tears. ' And I went to al that trouble, with that damn Atkins diet, and what did it give me?! Nothing! Nada! Zip! Zero! Uh...' his face became black, as he searched for another word for zero.

' Niet? ' Neo suggested.

' That's the one!' Smith said joyously. ' Niet! ' He said, a returning smile on his face...

' Now... There's something I must do... OH YES! ' He said, his eyes wide.

' What? Waddya want?' Neo asked.

' As my great grandmother, Granny Smith said, 'anything wong'?' He said, in a non-creative way...

' I don't think so... I can't remember anything happening to me, that could have caused me pain...' Neo sighed

' Memory problems... mm-hmm...' Smith took out a checklist, and made an X on a little square. ' BINGO!! I WIN!' He screamed madly... 'Oh wait... Erm... I mean... I'll be operating on your brain today...'

Neo gasped 'what? You? How can you be a doctor?!?' He shouted, scared

' Well, I usually volunteer at the gift shop, but today... They're lettin' me cut!' he said, sharpening two very large knifes together.

' Get me outa here!' Neo screamed, jerking up, but Smith put a powerful hand on his shoulder, and pushed him down hard against the mattress.

' Oh Relax, Mr. Anderson... Not like it's brain surgery... Oh Wait A Second! IT IS!' He said, laughing like a psychotic murderer holding a rubber ducky, and a knife in the other hand.

 

Neo jumped, drenched in sweat. Something had awoken him from a very... very strange dream. It was a knock at the door. He walked up to it, and opened it slowly. Seeing Michael Jackson, he closed the door again. He thought for a second, and opened it again.

' Got the glove?' The man asked, in a low voice, a few young boys surrounding him. One who looked remarkably like the little guy in Home Alone... Neo signaled him to wait, and closed the door again. He walked, and reached a pale hand under his mattress. He pulled out a clean white glove, and in the process, he picked a clean pair of underwear, with writing on them saying ' Mr. Boy George's'. He threw them out the window, and marched back to the door. He exchanged the glove, for 20 Canadian dollars... a burden in the US of A. Neo sighed.

' You ever have that feeling... where you're not sure if you're dreaming?' Neo asked.

' Yeah... It's called Neverland!' He said, smiling. He tried to talk Neo into taking a vacation there, but Neo suggested they go to a nightclub instead.

 

***

 

Neo stood at the door of the club, almost afraid to step in. Rob Zombie's 'Dragula' played, and he headbanged to it, until he hit his head against the wall. While he was asking the bartender for an ice cube, a pretty young lady with slicked short black hair stepped before him. 'Hello Neo' She said, smiling.

' How do you know that name? And who are you?' He asked, thinking of the nightly porn sites he had visited.

' My name is Trinity.' She said, still a smile on her face.

' The Trinity, who saved the computer system from an invasion of Trojan viruses, by putting a condom on one of the wires?' He said.

' That was a long time ago. I was young and foolish, and I still needed them.' She said, the smile disappearing in thought. She shook her head, and approached him, pretending to dance with him.

`I thought you were a guy!' Neo said, eyes wide.

`I am!' she said, but quickly added, `I mean… most guys do.'

`Oh…!' Neo said, not sure of what emotion he should use.

' I know who you are... Though I don't really care, but Morpheus had to go and---...' She paused... ' I know who you are' she repeated. 'Wait... I told you that already... OH NEVER MIND!' She said, in frustration 'Meet me at Seraph's fried noodles and Hamburgers. I'll be waiting.' She said, turning, and disappearing in the crowd.

 

`Mr. Anderson! Strip clubs don't bring a good reputation to my empire! I thought you only stripped for me!' His boss told him, when he had arrived late for work.

`…What?' Neo told him, a look of deep confusion upon his face.

`Oh sorry… that was Michael.' He said, his eyes glazed with thought. He laughed, and giggled to himself. Neo stepped in front of his freaky boss, and snapped his fingers once or twice.

`Oh sorry! Just reliving old memories.' He said, before returning to his previously dazed self.

`I give up!' Neo said, as he turned, and left the office.

 

Neo sat at his desk, deep in paperwork. A worker stepped up to him with something in his hand.

`Tina Anderson?' he asked him.

`Oh… that was me' his voice sank to a whisper, `Before the surgery' he said. `I go by as Thomas now.'

`Oh. Okay.' The worker told him. `Sign here please…' he said, handing Neo a pen.

`Oh, you want an autograph? Just this once.' He said, signing the piece of paper the FedEx guy was handing him. The worker gave him a can, with a long string attached to it. So long, that he couldn't even see the end. He tugged at it.

`Don't do that!' a voice from the can cried.

`Sorry.' Neo answered.

`Do you know who this is?' the voice asked him.

`M- mommy?' he asked softly.

`No, you dumbass, it's Morpheus!' the voice cried.

`Ooooh! I remember you! From that night in the *hihi* hot tub *hihihi*' he giggled violently.

`No, that was Michael.` he said. `You know me… the guy from the Matrix!'

` Nope. Doesn't ring a bell.'

`Just stand up, numbnuts! ` The voice cried.

`Okay okay! Jesus, ya don't half to be pushy!' Neo said, as he stood up.

`By the elevator!' Morpheus' voice from the can said. Neo turned, and saw a figure that looked like Bozo the Clown, only wearing sunglasses.

`Oh shit, it's Smith!' Neo said, dropping down. Everyone in the office broke out into song.

 

Oh shit, it's Smith.

Somebody's gonna get hit.

Oh shit, it's Smith.

Run, or he'll blow you to bits.

You better not crush the glasses,

Cause he'll kick all your asses!

Oh shit, it's Smith.

Run, Neo, run!

 

`Morphy, what do I do?!' Neo cried, in a panic.

`Stay calm. And don't call me Morphy.' He answered.

`Surely there must be something we can do!' Neo said.

`There is. And don't call me Shirley.'

`Ai ai! ` Neo said, saluting the can.

`When I say go, run to the next cubicle.' Morpheus commanded.

`GO!' He shouted.

`Ow, you don't have to yell!' Neo said.

`Just go, you moron!'

Neo jumped from one cubicle to the next, and followed Morpheus' instructions to lay low.

`Run to the office at the end of the hall… NOW!' he shouted, and Neo darted out of there. He was crouched low, when he met a friend.

`Hey John, how's it going?' he asked the man.

`NEO!' Morpheus cried.

`Sorry… Gotta run! Smith's after me!' He said, and the workers broke out into another song, as Neo entered the office.

`Run to the window.' Morpheus said, as Neo obeyed. `Open it. Somewhere around there, there's a bright pink pony waiting to fly you to the roof.'

Neo saw the pony, and ran for it. It floated just outside the window. When he jumped, the cable connecting the two cans reached its end, and Neo was snapped back. His head hit the desk behind him, and he was out cold.

 

`Yo homie!' Agent Smith told him, as his fellows dragged Neo to a chair.

`YOU'LL NEVER GET IT OUTA ME!' Neo cried.

`Get what out of you?' Johnson asked him.

`I don't know…' Neo said.