Fan Fiction ❯ The Troublesome Quest For Sanity ❯ lady agony, huh? ( Chapter 27 )

Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda or any related characters. And that's it.

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[still in front of the former castle of Hyrule]

All: OH MY GOD IT'S AN EVIL CASTLE FLOATING IN MID-AIR, SURROUNDED BY A POOL OF LAVE!! GASP!!!

. . . . . . . . . .

All: Wow!! I wonder how we were able to say such a long phrase at exactly the same moment!!

. . . . . . . . . .

All: WE DID IT AGAIN!!!

. . . . . . . . . .

All: GALABAZOOOOOOOO!!!!

. . . . . . . . . .

All: That was so obvious . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . .

All: . . . . . . .

Ravi: STOP IT GODDAMMIT!!!

. . . . . . . . . .

Ganondorf: You . . . . broke . . . . the . . . . circle.

Ravi: Uh huh. ^_^

Link: I'm gross national product scared!

Ravi: Wuss.

Link: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! [runs away]

Ravi: -_-***

Ganondorf: I wonder who did that to the castle.

Voice from inside: MWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Ganondorf: But I certainly don't wonder enough to go in and find out. AH! [runs away]

Ravi: -_-***********

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[Hyrule Market, again]

ReDead1: And then they were like "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!" and I was like "Do I need a mint?" and they were just like "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!" and I was totally like "Okay, okay. Gonna get a mint!" but they were still like "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" but then I was like-

Ganondorf+Link: (running past the ReDeads) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

ReDead1: See what I mean?

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[in front of the Temple of Time]

Ganondorf: Whew. We escaped another perilous situation thanks to THE MIGHTY GANONDORF!!!

Ravi: -___-*****

Link: GROSS NATIONAL PRODUCT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

Ganondorf: What is it again, fearful frie- uh oh!

Rauru: RAAAAAAARRRRRGHH!!!!

All: O_O

Rauru: Must . . . . . eat . . . . . Ganondorf!

Ravi: He's still possessed!! (A.N.: Ravi actually doesn't know about that because she wasn't with Ganondorf when he met Rauru so let's just say that Ganondorf told her sometime)

Rauru: Must . . . . . . eat . . . . . . Ganondorf!

Ganondorf: There's only one way to solve this!!

Ravi: Running away again?

Ganondorf: Uhm yeah, that'd actually be a good one too.

Ravi: -_-*

Ganondorf: BUT TODAY I FEEL LIKE BEING HEROIC!!!

Ravi: Wow. And watcha gonna do now?

Ganondorf: I'll be right back!! [runs away]

Ravi: Oh great.

Link: I don't want to be gross national product eaten!!

Ravi: He won't eat you. He wants to eat Ganondorf.

Rauru: Must . . . . have . . . . appetizer . . . . . before . . . . . eating . . . . Ganondorf.

Link+Ravi: D'OH!

Ganondorf: [appears again, carrying a cake that looks like a life-sized version of himself] I'm back!!!

Link: O__O

Ravi: What's THAT???

Ganondorf: That's my cake double!

Ravi: Cake . . . . double?

Ganondorf: Uh huh. I made it by myself.

Ravi: In . . . . [looks at her watch] 45 seconds???

Ganondorf: I've always been a talented cook! ^^

Ravi: -__-*

Rauru: Must . . . . . eat . . . . . whatever . . . . . I . . . . . can . . . . . get!

Ganondorf: [places his cake double right in front of Rauru's eyes] Heh . . . . heh . . .

Rauru: Uuuuuuuuuh! *drool* [eats the Ganondorf cake double cake]

Ganondorf: MWAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Rauru: Must . . . . eat . . . . another . . . . . Ganondorf.

Ravi: -_^

Ganondorf: O_O

Rauru: Just . . . . . kidding . . . . . [passes out]

Ravi: That was random.

Ganondorf: But it worked.

Ravi: Another lunatic for you!

Ganondorf: You're right! [plays the Song of Seals]

Big white warp hole: [opens and sucks Rauru in] Mmmmmh, cake! [closes and disappears]

Ravi: That was random again.

Ganondorf: And now?

Ravi: Maybe we should do something utterly stupid, totally pointless and most of all; completely random!

Ganondorf: Sound . . . . . random to me.

Ravi: See! ^_^

Ganondorf: Well, okay then . . . . .

-later-

[Ravi, Ganondorf and Link are running around in circles]

Ganondorf: So what exactly do you expect to happen??

Ravi: Uhm . . . .

Link: I'm gross national product tired!!

Ravi: Well, I think a good random act will give us a hint how to complete our quest!!

Ganondorf: I really HOPE so!!

- later -

[Ravi, Ganondorf and Link are dressed in cheerleader outfits and they're dancing the CanCan]

Link: I feel gross national product stupid!

Ganondorf: Maybe you should stop saying STUPID things!!

Link: -_-

Ravi: La da la da da da da da la da la da da ladeedada

Ganondorf: But Link definitely has a point there!!

Ravi: Uhm, I'm sure we'll get our hint soon!

- later -

[Ravi, Ganondorf and Link are making out with tablespoons]

Link: My gross national product beloved spoon!!!

Ravi: Kiss me!! [hugs spoon] Ganondorf!! More action! We're still not random enough!!

Ganondorf: Oy.

- later -

[Ravi, Ganondorf and Link are dressed up as Austin Powers]

Ganondorf: I give up. It's not possible to do anything more random!!!

Ravi: No!! NO!!! We have to be random!! We have to fulfil our destiny!!!

Ganondorf: *sigh*

Ravi: Maybe the thing we do has to be randomly dangerous and not just randomly insane.

Ganondorf: What do you mean?

Ravi: Weeeeeell . . . . *whisper*

Ganondorf: What??

Ravi: *whisper*

Ganondorf: Uh oh.

Ravi: And *whisper*

Ganondorf: I????

Ravi: Uh huh.

Ganondorf: Just to prove that my horoscope was right! [walks away]

Ravi: There he goes again. *waves*

Link: [still making out with a spoon] Spoony moony!!

Ravi: -__-****

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[Hyrule Market, once more]

ReDead2: And then Johnny said to me . . . .

ReDead1: PEOPLE ALERT!!!

ReDeads: *ahem* RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGHH!!!!!!

Ganondorf: *gulp* Erm . . . . excuse me?

ReDead3: AAARRRR . . . . . what?

Ganondorf: Did . . . . you just say what?

ReDead3: Did you just say excuse me?

Ganondorf+ReDead3: Yes, I did.

. . . . . . . . .

Ganondorf+ReDeads: Ooooooooooh.

ReDead1: Well, well, well my dearest friend. How may we help you?

Ganondorf: What happened to the castle?

ReDead2: Oooh, a very touching story that is indeed.

ReDead1: Let me tell you what happened only a few weeks ago!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ FLASHBACK ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[Kakariko Village]

Impa: How . . . . *sob* . . . . . how could he . . . . *sob* . . . . leave me?

Door: Knock! Knock!

Impa: Whoever you are . . . . go away!!

Door: Knock! Knock! Knock!

Impa: I don't feel like seeing anyone today!!!

Door: KNOCK! KNOCK GODDAMMIT!!! KNOOOOOOCK!!!

Impa: Okay, okay - you may enter.

Windmill Guy: [enters] Impa!

Impa: Windimm Guy?

WG: Windmill guy that is! And I have a NAME!!

Impa: Yeah right, whatever.

WG: -_-

Impa: What do you want?

WG: I want you!!!

Impa: So pizza, hu . . . . WHAT???

WG: (singing to the tune of our beloved Song of Storms)

I love you!

Deedle doo!

Let me sing a song for you!

Say that you are mine!

Oh that would be fine!

Do you love?

Love me too?

Hey, I made that song for you!

Please don't let me down!

My dear!

Impa: You must be kidding.

WG: (still singing)

No I'm not!

It is true!

I am lonely, I feel blue!

Want you by my side!

I'll give you a ride!

Impa: O_O*

WG: (singing)

Take my soul!

Take my heart!

You can even have my car!

But I want to see!

Your love!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ END FLASHBACK ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

All: Aaaaaaaaaawwwwww!!!

ReDead3: But that's not the whole story!

ReDead1: Impa and the Windmill Guy became a couple. They lived happily together and had a good time.

ReDead2: Impa even decided to change her last will, so that the Windmill Guy would get all her material possessions.

ReDead1: And the money - of course.

ReDead3: Oh how naïve she was!!

ReDead2: Because one day . . . . . .

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ FLASHBACK ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[Kakariko Village]

Impa: Honey! I'm home!

WG: Impy, darling! Have you changed your will already?

Impa: Of course I did. It'll all be yours!!

WG: MWEEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEEYYAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!

Impa: H-h-honey?

WG: (singing)

I tricked you!

Deedle doo!

What I told you wasn't true!

I don't give a shit!

In your face I spit!

Impa: But . . . . . but . . . . .

WG: (singing)

Just a lie!

Won't deny!

That I love a part of you!

But of course that's just!

The cash!

Impa: I . . . . *sniff* . . . . that's not . . . . .

WG: (singing)

Ugly face!

Pretty house!

Soon I'll also have your car!

I just have to wait!

Till you're gonna die!

Impa: How can you . . . . .

WG: (singing)

Oh I hope!

Really hope!

That you kick the bucket soon!

Cause I'm longing for!

Your cash!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ END FLASHBACK ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

All: AAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWW!!!!!!

ReDead3: Everyone expected her to die soon because her heart was broken again.

ReDead1: But what really happened was completely different . . . . .

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ FLASHBACK ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[Hyrule Castle]

Impa: [standing on the rooftop] . . . . . nothing but evil creatures . . . . . worthless bastards . . . . . they don't deserve to life . . . . they don't even deserve to die . . . . . . I will give them what they deserve . . . . . . . endless suffering . . . . . . for I am Lady Agony!! [THUNDER, LIGHTNING, SCREAM!!!]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ END FLASHBACK ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Ganondorf: So the evil castle belongs to Impa??

ReDead2: It does indeed.

ReDead1: She rules over Kakariko Village and what's left of Hyrule Town.

ReDead3: She tortures every man she sees and kills every woman who dares to stand in her way!

ReDead2: She's like totally evil, you know . . . . .

ReDeads: And she just totally needs a *coughhintcough* THERAPY or something . . . .

Ganondorf: I understand.

ReDead1: You do?

Ganondorf: Of course. I MUST FLEE!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!! [runs away]

ReDeads: -__-****

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[Hyrule Fields]

Ravi: And? What did you find out?

Ganondorf: Uh . . . erm . . . . nothing, really.

Ravi: Nothing like nothing or nothing like I'll pretend that it's nothing because I'm a stupid coward??

Ganondorf: Uhm . . . . .

Ravi: I WAS EAVESDROPPING AND I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!!! THE PEOPLE IN KAKARIKO VILLAGE ARE BEING TORTURED!!! YOU CAN'T JUST RUN AWAY AND DO NOTHING!!!

Ganondorf: I can. Watch me how I do it!! [runs away]

Ravi: COME BACK IMMEDIATELY!!!!

Obitwokenobi: [appears] BOO!!!

Link: GAH!! [faints]

Ravi: -__-***

Obitwokenobi: Yes! Faint! MWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! For I will be the supreme evil instead of Ganondorf!!

Ravi: WOOHOO! New victim!!!

Obit: o_O

Ravi: Er . . . . hehe . . . hero I mean.

Obit: o_O

Ravi: Follow me! And don't forget your suitcase!

Obit: Suitcase?

Ravi: [points at Link]

Obit: Oh. -_-*

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[Kakariko Village]

Ravi: The people here are being tortured! They're desperate and have to suffer a lot! It's really hopeless for them!!

[music is heard, we see Aura, Aria and Bongo Bongo dancing in the middle of the village]

Aura: (singing) Let's do the Rumba!

Aria: (singing) Everybody Rumba!

Bongo Bongo: (singing) Hey ey! Hey eeeyyyy!!!

Aura: (singing) Drums!

Bongo Bongo: [tabors]

Aria: (singing) Rumba! Rumba!

Aura: (singing) HEY EYYYYYY!!!

Aria: (singing) Rumba! Rumba! Cha Cha Cha!

Bongo Bongo: [tabors] Dee dun dun dun!

Ravi: O___O

Obit: Strange. I always thought that desperate and suffering people who're being tortured look a little bit more like . . . erm . . . . desperate and suffering people who're being tortured.

Aura,Aria+BongoBongo: (singing) RUMBA!! RUMBA!!!

Ravi: HEY!!!

Aura,Aria+BongoBongo: (singing) HEY EEEEEYYY!!!!

Ravi: -__-**

Aura: (singing) Come on, dance the Rumba!

Aria: (singing) Deedle deedle Rumba!

Bongo Bongo: (singing) WOOHOO! Here we go!

Ravi: Excuse me!

Aura,Aria+BongoBongo: (singing) Dance to the beat! Come on! Come on!

Ravi: SHUT UP AND LISTEN!!!

[the music stops]

Ravi: Thanks.

Aria: What do you

Aura: want?

Ravi: We came to help you!

Aura: Help

Aria: us?

Obit: I CAME TO DESTROY THE WORLD!!!

Ravi: Shut up and get Link a handkerchief!!

Obit: Yes Ma'am!

Link: *drool*

Obit: -_-****

Ravi: The ReDeads told us that Impa is terrorizing this village!

Aria: Oh.

Aura: Yeah.

Bongo Bongo: Right.

Ravi: She isn't??

Aria: Yes.

Aura: She is.

Bongo Bongo: But

Aria,Aura+BongoBongo: We don't mind!!! ^_^

[music starts again]

Aria,Aura+BongoBongo: (singing) EVERYBODY RUMBA!!! DUN DA DUN DA RUMBA!!!

Ravi: O_O******

Link: (singing) Rumba yay! Rumba yay! Gross national product Rumba!!!

Ravi: -___________-*****

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[meanwhile at Hyrule Castle]

Ganondorf: (gagged) MMFFFN!!! HMMFFFNNN!!!

Impa: So you thought you could escape me, huh? Thought you could run away, huh? Thought I didn't notice you were there, huh? BUT MY HOROSCOPE TOLD ME THAT YOU WERE GOING TO COME!!! Didn't think that, huh?

Ganondorf: -_-*

Impa: So you don't like my huh, huh?

Ganondorf: (gagged) Mffnhnnf!

Impa: MY NAME AIN'T IMPA!!! My name is . . . . LADY AGONY!!!

Ganondorf: (gagged) MMmfffmmmhh! Hmmmdrfffhhh mmpfffhhh hnnnfffnnmmpp??

Impa: You ask me why? You ask me WHY? YOU ask ME why?

Ganondorf: (gagged) Hhhhnmmmfffmhmfffhmff!

Impa: Cut the accent stuff? WHAT???

Ganondorf: [rolls eyes]

Impa: GRRRRRRRRR!!!!

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[Kakariko Village]

Link,Obitwokenobi,Aura,Aria+BongBongo: (singing) Cha Cha Cha! Yay! So dance so jump so move so come one! Come on! Woohoo! Feel the beat in your feet! G-R-O-O-V-Y! Yeah!

Ravi: [banging her head against a tree]

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[back at the castle]

Ganondorf: (gagged) Mmmmffffhnnnmmmffhmmm!! Hnnnnffffrrrssshnnnffff!!!

Impa: That's not true!

Ganondorf: (gagged) Hmmppfffhhhnnnmmmmppfffff, mmffhm hhhmmmffhh ffmmmhggnnn gnnmmmhphh!

Impa: Well, I . . . .

Ganondorf: (gagged) Mppphhhh, phmfpmh mhhmmmhhhfff fmmhhh pffmmfhmmm.

Impa: But . . . . .

Ganondorf: (gagged) Mmmmmffff!!!! Mmpphhhmmffh hhhmmmfffmmhh hmmhfffmmmf mhhmmmfhmm!!

Impa: HEY!!!

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[meanwhile in the Sacred Waiting Room (DUN DUN DUUUUUUN)]

Ruto: GYAAAAAAHH!!! TELL HER TO STOP!!!

Saria: Fishy on fire! WHEEEE!!!!

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

Rauru: Must . . . . . . eat . . . . . . . somebody

Malon: Grrr baby, very grrr!

Rauru: O_O

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

Darunia: Lonely . . . . *sob* . . . . depressed . . . . . *sob* . . . . . . .all alone . . . . . .

Lady Storm: My husband would love to get to know you better!!

Lord Laceration: . . . . . . . . . . .

Darunia: o_O

Lady Storm: MWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

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[Hyrule Castle again]

Impa: [un-gags Ganondorf] What you said . . . . I think it's true.

Ganondorf: Mmmfffhmm . . . . er, I mean - Lady Agony!

Impa: No, Impa that is.

Ganondorf: Impa.

Impa: Ganondorf.

Ganondorf: Impa.

Impa: Ganondorf.

Ganondorf: Impa.

Impa: Ganondorf.

Ganondorf: Impa.

Impa: Ganondorf.

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[Castle of MY]

Queenie: [sitting in a dark corner, rocking back and forth] She . . . . she . . . . wants to take him away from me . . . . . wants to take away my preciousssss! He . . . . might love her. He might want to be happy with her. No!! None takes away my precioussssss! He's mine!! But . . . . . they're in love. MY PRECIOUSSSSS!!! I'll kill her!! It's wrong! It's not!!! He's mine! We should let him choose! No!! He's mine! MINE!! My preciousssss!!! I'm hungry! No, I'm not!! I'm on a diet!! Fuck that diet!!! NO!! AAAAAARRRRGS!!

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[Hyrule Castle]

Ganondorf: Impa.

Impa: Ganondorf.

Ganondorf: Impa.

Impa: Ganondorf.

Ganondorf: Impa.

Impa: Ganondorf.

Ganondorf: Impa.

Impa: Ganondorf.

Ravi: STOP THAT ALREADY!!!!!

Impa+Ganondorf: Ravi!!

Ravi: Ganondorf. Impa.

Ganondorf: Ravi.

Ravi: Ganondorf.

Impa: Ganondorf?

Ganondorf: Ravi!

Ravi: Impa?

Ganondorf: Impa!

Impa: Ganondorf?

Ravi: Impa.

Impa: Ravi?

Ravi: Ganondorf?

Impa: Ganondorf.

Ravi: Impa?

Ganondorf: Impa!

Impa: Ravi.

Ganondorf: Nachos!!

Impa+Ravi: Ganondorf???!!!

Ganondorf: Uhm . . . .

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Chapter 27 of The Troublesome Quest For Sanity was brought to you by

La Yummy, the 45 second instant cake and

Queenie û