Fate/Stay Night Fan Fiction ❯ Fate - Season's Road - Einzbern Wedding Panic ❯ Einzbern Wedding Panic - Part A ( Chapter 1 )

Fate-Season's Road

“Spring Project”

By Jyoohan

 

Original Creators

Type-Moon

 

~*~*~

 

Einzbern Wedding Panic - Part A

 

-Interlude-

 

“Hello everyone, I'm back!” The author walked into a homely looking Japanese room belonging to the Emiya household, a cheery smile on his face, but silence greeted him. Many faces stared at him in wonder and finally someone asked.

 

“Who the hell are you?” Rin asked bluntly, making the author's head fly back like he was shot by a bullet between the eyes. An arch of crystalline tears streamed the air, a glimpse of a rainbow among the gobbles of tearful twinge.

 

“What the hell kind of greeting was that?! Don't you know who I am?” The author screamed.

 

“Oh yeah, the guy who mysteriously disappeared for over two months (Gae Bolg), who also have been playing too much video games (Excalibur) and been goofing off almost every other day (Berserker's axe-sword), am I close, should I continue?”

 

“Stop-stop, it hurts!” The author seethed in imaginary pain as each of Rin's words stabbed at his ego, various noble phantasms embedded into the author's back. But before the author could recover from his big pinch, A little white fairy jumps on top of him, knocking the air out of his lungs.

 

Ilya jabs a finger into the author's face and said, “Enough! Get on with the story already! I finally get to shine in the spot light as the main heroine, and I'm going to enjoy every second of it! And onii-chan is going to be all mine finally, tee-hee~.” Ilya begins to giggle madly, her wild feet kicking the author.

 

“Well the good news is that this crazy man isn't interested in Saber and/or Rin anymore.” Every stare turned to Archer and his incredible statement. An ominous silence pierced the atmosphere. Quiet enough to hear a sweat drop hit the tatami floor mat.

 

“A-Archer… what did you say?” Shiro stuttered.

 

Everyone's stare slowly shifts to the author, still pinned under Ilya. The look of astonishment and confusion are a little exaggerated in the author's perspective. “What? I think she's way better than Saber or Rin.” That ignorant comment set something off inside of both Saber and Rin's head.

 

“Not to mention the fact that she's not even a character from Fate Stay Night.” Archer added.

 

“Oh, really? So what does she have that we don't?” Rin challenged.

 

Saber also opined, “Yes, what do we lack of?”

 

“Well for starters she has a big gun and—

 

And the interlude ends here before the author meets a premature end from a pair of pissed off ladies that would… you know what can happen.

 

-Interlude Out-

 

The grounds were decorated in complete white, ribbons and flowers placed almost everywhere. A grand audience waited in anticipation for the bride, while Shiro soaked his crisp tuxedo in sweat. He stood by the altar still unable to think of a way to escape, let alone getting out of here alive if he dared to try such an attempt.

 

This was a mistake after all, a complete misunderstanding, but everything that led up to this hour made no coherent sense, so it didn't even really matter whether he objected or not. Shiro sneaked a glance behind him. A tall foreign man with an air of dominance smiled like he was about to win a great battle or war.

 

The organ's music snapped Shiro attention to the immense arch doorway of the Einzbern Castle, a soft wedding song filling the atrium. That's right; the Einzbern Castle has been specially renovated to hold this holy event.

 

The towering wooden doors creaked open, revealing a petite form with her face covered by a veil. The grand audience stood up like a tidal wave, giving a short round of applause as the bride got closer to the altar.

 

With every step, Shiro could feel the lump in his throat growing bigger and bigger. It wasn't supposed to be like this. All he wanted was to be at home and make breakfast for Saber. And speaking of Saber, where is she? There's no way that Saber would let this event pass over without a fight, or would she?

 

“And do you, Emiya Shiro, take…” The reverend's word faded away as Shiro phased out of reality, reliving what happened just yesterday…

 

-Earlier this morning, Emiya Residence-

 

“Senpai, the rice is ready to eat.” Sakura's sweet voice graced the kitchen, and breakfast just about to be served.

 

“Come on, come on Shiro! Onee-chan needs her energy for the day!”

 

“Honestly, is food all you can think about? Taiga can wait another minute can't you—kya!” Ilya cried as Fujimura-sensei struck little Ilya with her trusty Shinai and said,

 

“It's Onee-san! My goodness, where are your manners? Shiro, you need to raise Ilya-chan more properly.” Taiga said shaking her head.

 

“More like Oba-san than—I mean, Onee-san, who look so young and charming!” Ilya corrected herself. The Shinai's mere presence was enough to strike fear in anybody's heart.

 

“Fujimura-sensei, please don't bring that up to the table when we're about to eat.” Sakura comes to the rescue, but before breakfast could begin.

 

“Ilya!!!” Rin let out a prolonged scream as she stampeded from the front door to the living room. Her target within her sights, Rin grabbed the small girl and shook her by the collar screaming, “You're going to pay every yen for the damages. Do you understand; do you hear me?”

 

“W-what are you talking about? I didn't do anything wrong! Onii-chan, help me!” Ilya used her puppy dog eyes to get help from her big brother.

 

Shiro tried to calm the situation, “Oi Tosaka, before we get ahead of ourselves, why don't you explain what's going on—Saber, don't start eating by yourself!”

 

“Rin could explain the situation while we eat, can she not?” Saber said while almost half finished with her bowl of rice already.

 

“That's right,” Rin finally let Ilya go, who looks like she's about to faint. “As we speak Leysritt and Sella are most likely on their way here.”

 

“Leysritt-san and Sella-san, who're they?” Fujimura-sensei asked Rin, who didn't realize a civilian was amongst them.

 

“They're my maids! Before onii-chan, Leysritt and Sella took care of me!” Ilya covered for Rin's blunder.

 

“Eh?! Ilya-chan, when did you have maids? Who're they like? When do we get to meet them?” Taiga mumbled curiously, ignorant of the situation.

 

“Did Ilya tell you that she ran away from home?” The last quintessential detail Rin filled in caused the gears inside Fujimura-sensei's head to stop. “Not to mention the fact that they almost razed my house, thinking that you were hiding there. I left Archer with them so we still have some time.”

 

“And there she is,” Rin falls over as Archer escorts Leysritt and Sella into Shiro's home.

 

“What the hell are you doing?” Rin strangled Archer with a triangle lock.

 

“Rin, calm yourself. I struck a deal. The house is back to normal.” Rin's grip loosened as she listened to Archer's explanation. On the condition that Rin's mansion was returned to its original state this morning, Archer agreed he would lead the two maids to the runaway Einzbern heir. Concluding his report, Archer received a pat on the head with a compliment from Rin. “I'm not your pet dog, you know.” Archer mumbled.

 

“And that's the situation,” Rin points a taut finger at Ilya. “Now what did you do this time to cause trouble, brat?”

 

“Mistress was supposed to meet a suitor.” Leysritt said with complete calm. The room loomed quietly like calm before the storm.

 

“You mean like…” Sakura could barely speak, her face flushed. “…a prospect husband?”

 

“What the HELL?!” Taiga shouted with a fierce temper. “What craziness are you spouting? Ilya is of no age to be meeting a person like that!” Fujimura-sensei continued her incoherent jargon unaware of Ilya's true age, but Ilya's maid showed to no reaction to Taiga's angry display. Instead, they completely ignored her and approached there mistress. “Hey, don't ignore me!”

 

“Lord Einzbern is already at the end of his patience, milady. Please return to the castle so we may make preparations to leave.” Sella said, extending her hand.

 

“No!” Ilya crossed her arms like a stubborn child.

 

“Lord Einzbern has allowed us to use force if necessary.”

 

“I said `No', no-no-no!” Ilya whined and kicked on the floor, but the two maids grabbed the little fairy without a second wasted, dragging her out of the living room. “Someone help me! Taiga, you won't let them do this to me right?!”

 

“That's right! Despite the fact that Ilya is a spoiled, rotten, little devil-child with no sense of cultured behavior,” A stitch of anger struck Ilya from Fujimura-sensei's overly descriptive monologue, “She's still a member of this house!” And sensei grabbed Ilya as well, a tug of war starting between Taiga and the maids.

 

“Stop, if you pull like that I'll be torn apart!”

 

“Okay, everyone, let's take a step back and try to work things out.” Shiro suggested, but neither Taiga nor the maids would let go of their charge. “At least stop pulling, Ilya's going to get hurt.”

 

“Hm… what the stupid redhead says is true.” Sella hesitantly complied. “But know this Emiya Shiro; Ilya-sama will leave this vulgar place if I have anything to do about it.”

 

“Be still, Sella, we did not come to fight.” Leysritt showed a friendly smile.

 

Shiro awkwardly thanked the maids for being understanding, but how must he go to settle this problem? And when did Ilya start receiving suitors? Problem after problems were piling up before a solution could be thought up for any of them.

 

“Ne, why are you trying to force Ilya into something she doesn't want to do?” Fujimura-sensei asked.

 

“It's because of grandpa. After all that's happened recently, he suddenly found it necessary that I find a partner in life.” Ilya explained.

 

“Oh, that's good you have a grandfather that cares for you.”

 

“That's not it Tai—I mean—onee-chan! Grandpa does this to get his kicks. He's a sadist in every aspect! Ever since I was little he would play twisted games with me, saying that it's training or some other lie.” Ilya bundled into a fetal position, dark memories resurfacing.

 

“Oh, come on, there's nobody like that.” Fujimura-sensei laughed; however, Leysritt and Sella,

 

“It's true that lady Ilya has been through some harsh training, but her role as of now has changed since `that time'. In order to prepare for the future ahead, it is imperative that we find a suitable spouse to procure an heir so that the Einzbern family may continue.”

 

The Emiya household stopped to process all the information that was suddenly dumped upon their poor simple minds, and the two maids used this as their opportune moment. But Ilya predicted their movement. She hasn't lived with them for nothing. No normal child could evade those two dangerous maids without years of first hand experience.

 

Jumping onto her big brother's lap, Ilya clinched her arms tightly around his neck and bit into the collar of his shirt. Shiro felt a sense of danger as Sella leered with eyes full of contempt.

 

“Unhand milady foul beast before I split thee asunder.” Sella brandished her sister's halberd, a scornful aura stemming from every fiber of her body.

 

“No I'm going to stay with onii-chan. You two just hurry up and go back home.” Ilya griped.

 

“I cannot and will not allow you to stay with this filthy—,” but before Sella could finish her sentence, Leysritt pulled her sister aside and began to whisper vociferously. Everyone tried to listen in, then Sella screamed aloud, “Have you lost your mind as well, sister?!”

 

“But it is her wish, I'm sure Lord Einzbern will work something out.” Leysritt reasoned then approached her mistress with a saintly smile, “Milady, you wish to stay with Shiro, correct?”

 

Ilya was puzzled for a moment, feeling something strange in her two maids' sudden change of appearance, but she nodded her head affirmatively. Giving a curt bow, Ilya's maids left the Emiya residence without another fuss.

 

Rin was at a loss of words. There's something funny going on, and she isn't laughing. But what was it? Rin's womanly intuition would not let the matter go. Recapping, the two maids asked if Ilya wanted to stay with Shiro, so what could they be—

 

The shattering of glass interrupted Rin's train of thought. Archer stepped in between his master and the unfolding chaos. Men clad in black tactical armor and suits broke into the house with flawless synchronization.

 

“Visual of the package confirmed, commencing retrieval!” A commanding officer ordered his squad of interlopers over small headsets, their primary focus on Shiro.

 

As three men were about to sack Shiro, Saber stepped in, her hand emitting a golden ray of light, “Saber, no sword.” But at her master's command, she was left empty-handed. Instead, she began her attack with a swift kick to the first soldier's groin and all hell breaking loose after.

 

“Put the spatula down! Put it down!” Sakura cowered in tears within the kitchen.

 

“You have guts to dare invade this house!” Taiga knocked down the two men antagonizing Sakura with a single swipe of her favored weapon, Tora-Shinai. “I must protect this house! I must protect this house!” Man after man falls to Fujimura-sensei's sheer tenacity.

 

“Oh my god, she's a freakin' monster, chief—argh! Man down!”

 

“Take her out, quick, use tranquilizer darts!”

 

But with her honed instincts, Taiga effortlessly swings her Tora-Shinai, knocking the darts away in mid-air, but one stray dart was deflected straight onto Shiro's leg. Within seconds, Shiro couldn't feel the lower part of his body anymore.

 

“Woops, sorry, are you alright Shiro?” Her attention misplaced only for a second, one brave soldier pulled out a small trinket the size of a Zippo lighter. A small puff of smoke blasted Taiga in the face, and she fell to the floor, asleep with her eyes open.

 

“Now, secure the package for extraction!” The brave, nameless soldier uttered his dying wish (not really). With the feeling in his legs gone, there's nothing Shiro could do. He was surrounded on all sides, his whole body bound in rope like he was bout to be mummified.

 

When he thought hope was long gone, two of his captors were blown away by their own comrade. Saber threw the soldiers as if they weigh nothing more than bags of garbage. That's right, even if Saber is unarmed, there's no way a normal human being can stand up to her in a contest of strength.

 

“Hey!” Saber faced her newest opponent and froze when she saw what he held in his hands, a shining golden platter of butter-syrup topped pancakes cooked to perfection. As the nameless soldier moved the platter of deliciousness to the left, Saber's hawk eyes followed with it.

 

“Saber, help me!” However her master is in the most recent biggest pinch of his life. But the pancakes… we can't ignore the pancakes! Saber's indecisiveness was comparable to a puppy unable to pick what it really wants. But before she could even decide, the platter of cakes flew out into the backyard, Saber following it in a heartbeat. Shiro's last glimmer of hope was destroyed by a breakfast item that he could have made in 15 minutes or less.

 

“The package has been secured. Wheel him in boys!” About to question what they meant by `wheel him in', Shiro's body was dragged across the floor, crashed through the window, his head struck the ceiling on the way out, rendering him unconscious, and into an unmarked black helicopter above.

 

“Mission accomplished, head to extraction point Bravo.” All operatives disappeared like ghosts in an instant, leaving behind their stunned hosts. And that's when Rider took the opportune time to enter the living room with some desserts. She paused, registering all the turmoil that wasn't here minutes ago.

 

“Did something happen? And where's Ilya and Shiro?” Rider asked and noticed Saber enjoying some pancakes out in the backyard.

 

-Somewhere, approximately 14,000 feet in the air-

 

Shiro's head bobbed back and forth from his conscious/unconscious state. A sense of nausea he guessed was from the tranquilizer he got hit with; however, the floating sensation in the pits of his stomach would not go away. That's what brought his mind out of the gutter, his eyes starting to take focus.

 

There's something in front of him, blocking his whole vision. As the blurred image was being corrected, Shiro noticed it looked like a face. In actuality it was a face, a face of an albino man with leering red eyes.

 

His heart almost skipping a beat, Shiro cocked his head back again, feigning unconsciousness, but the old man didn't like his reaction. The albino man reached with has large hand for a lever, and the floor in front of Shiro opened up. Sharp headwinds licked his face as a barrenness field of mountains was below him. Shiro's adrenaline shot through every corner of his body as the crazy person suspended him over the trap door single-handedly.

 

“Okay, I'm up-I'm up!” Shiro pleaded and was tossed aside. The trap door closing with its (sole) purpose fulfilled. He felt like he just lost a year of his life in that moment. Catching his breath, Shiro took a glimpse around his surroundings. A rather large room with Western comforts contained inside. If it wasn't for the view of mountains and thunderous winds seconds ago, he would have thought that he was in Ilya's castle.

 

“Boy!” A heavy voice struck deep down into the core of Shiro's body. “It's very impolite not to introduce yourself, when it is our first meeting.”

 

“P-pardon me! My name is Emiya Shiro. It's a pleasure to meet you.” Shiro replied with a courteous bow without thinking twice. “Wait a minute, what am I doing?”

 

But before Shiro could even begin to think, the person before him let out a raucous laugh that echoed within the cabinets of their confines. “You were right Leysritt. The boy does appear rather thick-headed but has a good heart. I like that. Yes-yes, I approve of your decision.”

 

“Thank you for your lenience, Lord—”

 

“You cannot seriously be considering taking this dolt to be the inheritor of our burdens, can you sister, Lord Einzbern?”

 

“Wait a second! Hold on,” Shiro interrupted, “Lord Einzbern as in Ilya's… father?” Shiro mentally guessed this nobleman's age as the same as his father, Kiritsugu, but never would have guessed Ilya's father would look like him.

 

Lord Einzbern was taken back by Shiro's unexpected question. A coy smile painted his face and was replying, “Yes, I'm Ilya's papa—argh?!”

 

“No, he's not!” Ilya flew into the scene, executing a drop kick square in between the Lord's shoulder blade.

 

“Ilya, you're here, too?”

 

“No time to explain onii-chan! We have to get out of here!” Ilya began untying the rope binding Shiro.

 

“And where do you plan to escape to, young lady? We're approximately 14,000 feet in the air in our private plane currently over the country of Kazakhstan.” Lord Einzbern bellowed, his form towering over Ilya.

 

“Kazakhstan?! Eastern Europe?!” Shiro exclaimed, though his geographical knowledge in that part of the world is questionable.

 

“Ilya-chan, it's been so long. Why did you stay in Japan and never come home. I've been so lonely. Can't you even give your old grandpa Acht a kiss?” Acht made a kissy face.

 

“Nooo! I don't wanna—kyaaa!” Ilya cried and fussed, but Acht left his mark on Ilya's round cheek. The poor girl sobbed quietly, hugging her still tied up big brother. Acht laughed merrily, enjoying this feeling he hasn't felt for such a long time.

 

“Um, I know you're not feeling well at this moment, Ilya, but could you tell me what's going on?” Shiro was still oblivious to his current predicament.

 

“Isn't it obvious? You're going to be my new grandson-in-law!” Acht's grand overstatement left Shiro speechless, almost.

 

“G-g-g-grandson, what do you mean?!”

 

“Well actually, you've always been my grandson, informally, since that naughty son-in-law of mine didn't fill out all the required paperwork, but this will solve that problem in an instant. So there's nothing to worry about!” Acht explained.

 

“I am worrying! And you're not explaining anything! I know I'm like a brother to Ilya but doesn't what you're saying mean I am her real brother? And finally isn't that incest?!” Shiro rebutted.

 

“Ah, you're the younger brother to be precise. (Shiro says, “What?!”) But though the whole family inbreeding thing has been a long standing tradition within aristocrats, I'm willing to move around that issue since you are Kiritsugu's adopted son after all.”

 

“Hold on, inbreeding, you're alright with that? What kind of family is this?!”

 

“We're magi of course, and magi must do what magi must do.” Acht's somber face said he would not tolerate any measure of disobedience from Shiro.

 

“So… so does this mean onii-chan is going to be my darling?” Ilya caught on to the direction of the conversation.

 

“Oh, my lovely granddaughter carrying our superb circuits has caught on! Yes, the wedding will be held immediately, as soon as we reach our home castle!” Acht said.

 

Ilya turned to her big brother, an angelic face twisted by a hungry smile. Shiro felt a strong chill climb his spine, like the times when Ilya tried to transfer his conscious into that cursed looking doll.

 

“Onii-chan,” Ilya said with all sweetness, “We'll be together forever, right?” The look in Ilya's eyes seemed ready to devour Shiro whole. But Sella stopped it before things could have progressed without her earlier, ignored input.

 

“Though I serve and protect Ilya-sama with my life, I cannot approve that this primate dare sully milady! I cannot!” Sella declared.

 

“Jeez, what are you ranting like an old maid about? (Sella says, “Old maid?!”) If you got a problem then settle it right now, we don't have time to be thinking about menial things when we've got a wedding to prepare.” Acht gave his approval for Sella to settle their differences.

 

“Heh, I warn you Sella. Onii-chan is stronger than he looks. He could take out Berserker nine times over with one move!” Ilya spoiled a plot element, without acknowledging the fact that the current Shiro doesn't have that kind of firepower at his current disposal.

 

“It's of no matter to me. As long as milady is freed from this ravenous dog, I would gladly sacrifice my life! Sister, your halberd!” Sella requested but Leysritt,

 

“Sister, if you use such a weapon while we are in this fragile vessel approximately 14,000 feet in the air, I fear for all our lives would be in danger.” Leysritt informed, squandering her sister's resolve.

 

“That's not a problem. I would—”

 

“Use of sister's offensive thaumaturgical archetypes is also not recommended since its tendencies of area affect.” Leysritt foiled her sister again.

 

“Give it up, Sella. You're at an obvious disadvantage.” Ilya waved and hugged her captured prize, Shiro.

 

“Never!” Sella shouted and approached the lever. “Fine, if I can't use a weapon or my sorcery, I'll simply drop this ape to his grave.”

 

“Stop, don't pull that lever!” Shiro screamed, a sense of déjà vu hitting him hard. “I don't know why, but you'll regret it if you pull that lever. So please, don't… pull it.” Shiro begged.

 

However Sella just stared at the object of her contempt with a face that says: Why the hell should I listen to you? You're just a suspicious letch with no idea what he got himself into. Or something close along those lines, and pulled the lever that opened the trap door.

 

Just as Shiro's instincts predicted, a mischievous gust of wind blew through the cabin, lifted the skirts of Sella, Leysritt, and Ilya, and exposed two of Europe's finest pair of lingerie and a pair of navy blue bloomers.

 

Shiro rushed to the lever, closing the trap door that was supposed to have been activated for its one time use only. “I'm sorry. I tried to warn you. Are you alright?” Sella stumbled back, unable to reply as a mixture of revulsion and embarrassment glossed her rosy face. “Would it help if I said, I didn't see anything?”

 

A quick slap cocked Shiro's head at a 90 degree angle, a strike that could have been strong enough to knock a normal man's head clean off. Sella stomped away, admitting her defeat. The maid in her unstable emotional state almost stumbled over her own two feet but recovered herself before she fell.

 

She sneaked a glance back at Shiro, but her face now twice as flushed, and left running to the front cabin. Leysritt bowed politely before attending to her broken spirit sister.

 

“Grandson, you have just showed me your great power this very moment.” Shiro felt like a hundred pound bag fell on top of his shoulder. “Only a young man such as you has the ability to bring these favored acts of god into reality. You are truly blessed by fate, as expected of a young man from an `Eroge'.” Acht patted Shiro on the shoulder, reflecting on the fan-service for the purpose of boosting the ratings.

 

“Wait!” Ilya exclaimed, “You not supposed to be saying those kinds of things! And why am I the only one wearing bloomers?! I can be sexy, too! This is why onii-chan never pays enough special attention to me! I'm supposed to be the heroine, yet I have the least amount of lines!” Ilya cried.

 

(Almost the least…)

 

-Part `A' Complete - Continue to Part `B'-

 

~*~*~

 

Author's note:

 

Hey everybody, I know it's amazing, but I'm back! Now before I get anybodies' hopes up. I would like to give you a special announcement:

 

I offer no special promises, no guarantees, but hey, I'll try!

 

In other words, I have too many different things going on still and I barely popped this chapter out half complete. My goal of completing the entire thing before GTA IV comes came to a screeching halt as I had to improvise and readjust the battle plans. And as you see, I roughly finished half of the original content, meaning there's a lot more comical madness to come.

 

But seeing as I'll be locked in a room playing GTA IV like a possessed hikikomori for hours upon hours… let's just not get too excited.

 

Anyways, I put lots of love and effort into this fic. I hoped everyone enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Till next time, (whenever that will be) bye-bye~ [4/27/2008]

 

Footnotes:

 

No time, I'll put them in a final mix version…