Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Bigger is Better ❯ Prologue

Okay guys, just to warn you this fic is very humorous but contains quite a few innuendos! (Hey, what do you expect when my sister is Mistress of the Yaoi Files?)

Bigger is Better

By Sirius Dogstar

Tifa was about to head to head into bed when she overheard Cloud and Cid arguing in the next room. "Mine is a lot bigger than yours!" Cloud yelled with cocky confidence.

"Dream on damn punk!" Cid retorted. Deeming this to be a worthy eavesdropping event, she sat down.

"Mine is huge! Yours is just so puny! Small and thin…"

"What?" Cid shouted. "Mine is three times as large as yours!" Meanwhile, Aeris stepped up behind Tifa.

"What's going on?" she asked. Tifa grinned, hoping to at least corrupt Aeris's pure mind.

"Why not sit here and find out?" she replied.

"Eh, nothing else to do," Aeris said with a shrug as she sat down as well.

"Maybe so Cid," Cloud said, "But mine had a bigger head!"

"True," Cid admitted. "But mine is sharper. Much better at getting to the important stuff."

"Oh my," Aeris said blushing. Meanwhile Yuffie came up.

"Hey gals!" she shouted. "What's going on?"

"You don't want to know," Aeris said.

"Then I do!" Yuffie said with glee, sitting down in just time to hear Cloud say,

"Okay so your is bigger than mine and more pointed, but mine is bigger and better."

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"This ain't getting us nowhere Cloud," Cid said. "Let's just take them out and compare."

"Now this is great!" Yuffie exclaimed grinning.

"What is?" Red asked as he padded up towards the group.

"Um… er… nothing," Aeris said, her cheeks still a furious red.

"Nothing is always something," Red said as he sat down.

"Oh boy," Aeris said shaking her head. Meanwhile, Cloud continued his fight.

"There! Feels much better to be holding it!" Cloud said.

"Hell yeah!" Cid said. "But mine is still better."

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Yours is generic," Cid said. "Mine is exotic…"

"Well I'll be," Red said with shock.

"I'll be what?" Cait Sith asked as he came up behind the group. When the gang was silent the cat exclaimed, "You are hiding something from me and I am going to find out what!" He sat down as well, holding his microphone to the door.

"So we have unsheathed them and we still do not know who's is better," Cloud muttered.

"We could try a little battle," Cid said sweetly.

"Well… I may hurt you Cid."

"That's the fun of it! What do you say?"

"All right then!"

"Scandalous!" Cait said grinning. "This will be great in the Midgar News!"

"What story?" Barret asked as he walked up.

"And what are you all doing here gathered around Cloud's bedroom?" Vincent asked, walking up behind Barret.

"Oh you'll see," Cait said.

"Oh boy," Aeris said again.

"No fair sticking it there Cid!" Cloud shouted in agony.

"Where else should I put it?" Cid asked. "Your mouth?"

"Yeah, that would be nice," Cloud said.

"You can't even stand it! See mine is better!"

"Okay you win!" Cloud yelled. "Just remove it from my ass!"

"Your Ultima gave my old Venus Gospel a run for her money!" Cid said slapping Cloud on the back as the pair opened the door to find everyone.

"Um… hi," Yuffie said.

"I knew it was their weapons the whole time," Barret said just as Cid said,

"Are we still on for tonight Cloud?"

"Sure!" Cid then looked to his comrades, leaning on his spear.

"Did you have fun?" he asked.

"Sure did!" Yuffie said.

"Oh yes," Barret added. "It was an erectifying experience."

"Don't you mean electrifying?" Cid asked.

"Nope," Barret said as he walked off with ore than a slight bulge in his pants.