Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Die, Seymour, Die! ❯ One ( Chapter 1 )

LeBlanc stared at the Gullwings.

The Gullwings stared back.

This went on for several minutes with gratuitous posing every now and then to keep the audience drooling…er, interested.

"I will defeat you!" LeBlanc said. "You're voices are too horribly squeaky and I must end it!"

"Oh yeah?" Rikku said. "You dress slutty."

"Um, you should talk," Ormi said.

"Well… you're all ugly!" Rikku said.

"How about I do the battle cries from now on?" Yuna asked, hitting Paine who had fallen asleep.

"Huh? We attacking them yet?" Paine asked, then yawned.

"We are now!" Yuna asked. "Songtress Power Make u-No, wait, that's not right. Ah, screw it."

After about ten seconds of battle and thirty-one outfit changes, something really interesting happened.

LeBlanc attacked, but Yuna wasn't paying attention to the spell, she was wondering if Songtress or Samurai were sexier and if either would be of any actual use in the battle. Meanwhile Paine had fallen asleep out of boredom again and Rikku was waiting for her turn to hit Paine and wake her up-which never came because someone new entered middle of the battle.

The spell went right past the new person and hit Yuna, yet completed missed at the same time.

"Hey!" the person yelled. "That's not possible! Spells can't just go THROUGH people!"

"WHAT THE FUCK?" Rikku and Yuna yelled, breaking the PG-13 rating of the game-which was a moot point because they had already done so by wearing such skimpy outfits and jumping up and down.

"Hey!" Paine said, waking up. "NPC's aren't allowed in battle!"

Yuna and Rikku fainted.

"Excuse me, I was trying to have a fight here!" LeBlanc yelled.

Meanwhile Paine revived Yuna and Rikku. "Did I miss something here?"

"Uh… Seymour?" Yuna asked.

"Yes! Finally! I'm not anonymous anymore!" he yelled. "Do you have any clue how painfully stupid everything is when you're running around without a name?"

"Uh, do I know you?" LeBlanc asked.

"How should I know?" Seymour said.

"What exactly is going on?" Paine asked.

"Oh, that's the guy who we killed… eight or nine times, I can't remember."

"It got so boring after a while **I** started falling asleep," Rikku said.

"Are we still trying to kill you?" LeBlanc asked.

"No now, we're at a plot point."

"No you're not! Kill each other!" Seymour said, waving his arms in emphasis.

"That's what you want us to do!" Rikku said.

"Um… Well, duh. I hide information, I don't give it out wrongly," Seymour said.

"You suck," Paine said. "You're the lousiest villain I've ever-" Then she noticed LeBlanc and her crew wandering off out of frustration. "Okay, so you're the second suckiest villain."

"Crap!" Seymour said. "Now they left! Quick gimme that before we're out of battle mode." Seymour grabbed Yuna's alchemist gun and tried to shoot himself, managing to hit himself in the foot. Nothing happened. "What the hell kind of gun is this?"

"You just shot yourself with two potions, dummy!" Yuna said, taking her gun away.

"Fine!" He yelled, tossing he gun down.

"Hey!" Rikku protested as he grabbed her gun and again tried to shoot himself. Were it an actual and normal gun, he would have succeeded in blasting a hole in his chest-in real life; in an RPG he'd just have managed a critical hit and would have had to shoot himself three more times.

"What the fuck weapons are you wandering around with?" Seymour asked.

"You just shot yourself with a blue mage gun!" Rikku said.

"Well it's a piece of junk," he said, tossing it back to her.

"**I** wanted skill! It was really cool and I was saving it!" Rikku pouted.

Seymour grabbed Paine's stick and started beating himself on the head with it.

"What's with this guy?" Paine asked.

"Paine!" Yuna yelled.

"What?"

"Why did you just let him take that?"

"What harm's he gonna do with a white mage stick?" she asked.

Yuna opened her mouth to say something. "You have a point."

After a short while, they realized the game was still on a turn basis and the three women were getting bored and Seymour was mad that he could only hit himself once with the stick per turn-missing most of the time.

"That's it!" Yuna said, grabbing the stick from Seymour. "You're not going to do ANY damage with this thing. Now go away or we'll kill you again."

"Please?" he said.

"Umm," she said, confused. "In that case, no. And leave our weapons alone. This things packed with white mage spells anyway, what were you thinking?"

The three left battle mode and Seymour was blinked out as well.

Yuna (the other two had not so mysteriously disappeared), wandered around Seymour and spoke to a few NPC's to see if they had any news, but all she got was a potion and the same dialog over and over again.

"Great," Seymour said. "Not only am I not dead, I'm invincible!"