Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ FFX: Commercials ❯ Chapter 1

Disclaimer: FFX and characters belong to Squaresoft

A/N: This is just a humor fanfic. Just my attempt at JOKE. Don't take it seriously.

FFX commercials

****

The party in Guadosalam with Seymour. The blue haired man turned around and spoke to Auron. "Why are you still here, sir?

Tidus looked at Seymour, puzzled.

"I beg your pardon." Seymour bowed slightly to them. "We Guado are keen to the scent of the Farplane."

Auron whipped out a bottle of deodorant from his sleeves. "That's because I use farplane deodorant." He turned to the camera and smiled. "Hi, I'm Sir Auron. When I'm shootin' hoops, lifting weights and killing fiends, nothing keeps me dryer and smelling fresher than Farplane deodorant."

Seymour walked at him, inspecting the bottle. "But what about evil unsents such as myself? Will it do the same for me?"

The samurai laughed. "Heh heh. Farplane deodorant works for everybody, including insane Guado fiends." He handed Seymour a stick, and the camera zoomed in on the label. "It comes in four scents, Musk, pine, unscented, and lime, so I'm sure it'll do wonders for your bad B.O," Auron said, producing three more bottles from his coat, showing them to the camera.

Seymour took a sniff of the Deodorant and enjoyed the scent. "Thank you Sir Auron." He turned to the camera. "When ever I feel the excess sweat start to drip I know now to use Farplane deodorant."

"Don't thank me, thank the people at Bevelle," Auron said, patting Seymour's shoulder and faced the camera. "Remember if it doesn't say Farplane, You're using the wrong stuff."

---

Biran and Yenke stand together in the middle of a gym.

"This is Biran," Biran said.

"And this is Yenke," Yenke said.

"And Biran & Yenke here to [clap] pump you up."

"Many say Biran's and Yenke's program really do not work," Biran said.

"Yeah, Yenke would like see those girly critics say that to Biran's and Yenke's large faces. Biran & Yenke would squeeze them between Biran's and Yenke's powerful butt muscles and pop their head like a zit."

Biran nodded. "But to these critics, Biran & Yenke say, here Biran & Yenke now, understand Biran & Yenke later, Biran's and Yenke's methods work and here am a living, breathing, muscle pulsating example."

The camera zooms to the back where Kimahri walks out, with nothing extraordinary except that his muscles are now 6 times larger.

"This little Ronso use to be pathetic, weak, girly ronso, but after 5 weeks of Biran's and Yenke's routine, Biran & Yenke has turned the wimp into the buffest example of a manly ronso," Yenke said.

"Grrrrrrrrrr." Kimahri flexes. Sort of.

Biran pats Kimahri's biceps proudly. "Kimahri may lose flexibility, but manly Ronso don't need that."

They all flex and make goofy tough faces. All the while, Kimahri can barely move from his muscles.

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PRE-PRODUCTION - COSTUMING

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D irector: "Here, Lulu, try this on" (hands her the dress)

Lulu <looking at it in disgust>: "You want me to wear THAT??"

Director: "It's Giorgio Armani."

Lulu: "But you want me to wear it."

Director: "That is correct."

Lulu <sighs>: "Listen, why can't I wear some other less bulging dress, like what some of the other FF girls wear?"

Director: "Because, this is going to be a high-resolution, high polygon game, and we need to show the PS2 its stuff."

Lulu: "Tifa Lockheart wore a sleeveless shirt."

Director: "Tifa Lockheart was also three feet tall most of the time and was a couple cup sizes smaller than you."

<Lulu slaps the director and angrily snatches the dress>

Lulu: "This had better land me a modeling job in Paris."

***

THE GANG AT MT GAGAZET

<Lulu and Yuna are wearing South Pole brand winter jackets>

Lulu <shivering>: "So . . . . cold . . . "

Yuna: "These dresses are unbearable" <breathes out hot air>

Director calls out to them.

Director: "All right, back to work. Tidus will walk through Gagazet paths. And Tidus, try not to walk around in circles again fighting monsters. The creature workshop guys hate it when you bang up their props."

Director: <To Yuna and Lulu> "Okay ladies, coats off, let's get back to work."

Yuna: "This is bullshit "<takes off her jacket and hugs herself tightly>

Lulu: "Tifa wore a shirt."

Yuna: "Tifa also wore short shorts. Plus, she was a couple cup sizes - never mind."

Lulu <glares for a second, then>: "Speaking of short shorts, I really feel sorry for Rikku."

Yuna: "Speaking of which, where is Rikku?"

<They turn and notice Rikku is sandwiched between Biran and Yenke>

Rikku <smiling>: "Oh thank you guys. This is so warming me up here."

Biran: "Biran like. Biran like a lot "<chest against Rikku's arm>

Yenke: "Yenke like too. Like rubbing action especially." <rubbing Rikku's legs>

Biran:" Yenke thinking what Biran is thinking?"

Yenke, smiling: "Yenke like what Biran and Yenke thinking."

<Both smile evilly and laugh loudly>

Rikku, frowning: "Um, guys, uh, well."

<Lulu to Yuna>

Lulu: " Yep, I REALLY feel sorry for Rikku."

****

Yunalescaat Zanarkand. She looks at the camera and smiles. "Hi, I'm Yunalesca. I'm beautiful, dead and popular! But I haven't been popular all my life."

The scene shows while Yunalesca is still living in the old Zanarkand, she's sitting on the side of the street, feeding the ducks.

"I was a duckling, a very ugly and unpopular duckling that only pesters my father and husband day after day. Life was cruel, and I almost gave up!"

The scene shows Yunalesca at the Zanarkand dome with a summoner and a bunch of guardians.

"But then my husband Zaon told me that my father Yu Yevon is planning to destroy Bevelle and the world! And so my father Yu Yevon became Sin. I chose to become a summoner, get a very good stylist and ask my dear Zaon to become my final fayth! And so I killed my father using my husband's soul, and LOOK at me today!"

The scene shows another summoner is challenging Sin.

"Contact your nearest Yevon temple and become a summoner now! And if you call now and succeed, we'll make you a statue at each Yevon temple and you'll be worshipped like me!"

The sign shows:

Y E V O N

We call it Zanarkand technology

Yunalesca winks at the camera. "With Yevon, everybody adores me!"

***

Rikku is having dinner at a luxurious restaurant. The waiter brought her a bowl of soup. She gave it a taste, but then she drops the spoon.

Rikku: The soup is too salty!

The waiter informs the chef, and the blue haired chef stormed out of the kitchen, holding a vegetable knife.

Seymour: Who said that?! It can't be too salty! (He comes to Rikku face to face) IT. IS. NOT. TOO. SALTY!!!!

Rikku: But…

Seymour: Get her!

The Guado assistant chefs attacked Rikku.

<CRASH!>

Rikku has mixed a Blessed Gem & a Mana Tablet, causing a Supernova (NON-ELEMENTAL attack) at the restaurant and the assistant chefs are all defeated.

Seymour: Why you…!!!!!! My restaurant!!!!

Seymour attacked Rikku.

<CRASH!>

Rikku gave Seymour a whack at the forehead with her fully powered Godhand.

Waiter: No charge for the soup. (Rikku turns around and saw the waiter has come with the bill)

She took it and saw the bill is amazingly long.

Waiter: But this is for the extra charges.

She throws a Gold Hourglass & a Level 1 Key Sphere, causing a Calamity Bomb (NON-ELEMENTAL attack) at the waiter.

Rikku walks out of the restaurant, while talking to the camera, showing two Dark Matters in her hand.

Rikku: ITEM MIX. It's your solution to everything.

***

Auron is stuck at the traffic jam in the streets of Zanarkand. He jumped out of the car and asks an Al Bhed to give him a ride on his airship.

Brother: (in Al Bhed) A-are you Sir Auron, that legendary guardian?

Auron: Watch the road, you're gonna hit that save sphere!!!

They arrived at the destination, but the airship broke down in front of Rin's travel agency.

Auron: Here, take this.

Auron introduce Rin to Brother.

Auron: He can fix anything.

Later that night, in front of Rin's travel agency, Auron walks out wearing a tuxedo with a beautifully dressed Rikku.

Brother: (In Al Bhed) Come on, hop in!!

Auron: Err, I think I'd be better…

Rikku pulls Auron's arm and drag him in side the airship.

Rikku: Oh, come on, it's gonna be fun, Auron!

Auron: W-wait!!!

RIN'S TRAVEL AGENCY

YOUR BEST SOLUTION TO EVERY MACHINA PROBLEM

***

FFX:2 - Pre production, costumes.

Director: Here you go Rikku, this is your costume for the next game.

Rikku:……………….

Director: What's wrong?

Rikku: Where's the rest of my costume? At least I was able to wear a pair of shorts in the last game.

Director: This is your only costume for FFX-2.

Rikku: But this is a bikini.

Director: And a skirt.

Rikku: THAT IS NOT A SKIRT.

Director: It's a skirt. Chill up, will ya? With this you'll finally get nice tanned skin.

Rikku: THAT IS NOT A SKIRT!!!! IT'S A >BLEEP!<ING LOINCLOTH! I'M NOT A RONSO, I'M AN AL BHED!!!!!!

Director: Stop being such a fuss. Yuna don't give complains like you do.

Rikku: Because she's still wearing something decent!!! Tell me, are we making FFX-2 or FFX - Xtreme Beach Volleyball?

Director: It's a Versace bikini for God's sake! Now wear this!!!

Rikku throw her new weapon at the director, and walks out of the director's office.

Rikku: As soon as I finish this game, I'm off to Capcom!!

***

Yuna is trying her new costume for FFX-2.

Yuna: I wonder what Tidus thinks of my new costume… Hey, Tidus

Tidus: Yes? (Eyes bulging) WOOWWW!!! Baby, you're so SEXY!!!

Yuna: Really?

Tidus: Yeah! You look just like Lara Croft!

Yuna: Who's Lara Croft?

Tidus: She's the hot chick from Tomb Raid … Whooopps…

Yuna: You're cheating behind my back, aren't you?

Tidus: I'll never do that to you, sweetie, I'm- (BANG!) Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!! (The bullet escaped his head by an inch) Yuna, you almost killed me!

Yuna: That's my point. (Aims her gun at Tidus' forehead)

Tidus: W-wait…

Yuna: You know what? I'll kill you after I find you in the game. Deal?

Tidus: So you'll kill me after Squaresoft made a game for the purpose of finding only ME? Boy, you do sound desperate…

Yuna: No, because I don't appear in Kingdom hearts and you do.

Tidus: Oh, come on, babe, it's just a game…

>BANG!<

THE END