Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Mallrats ❯ Let the Insanity Reign Free! ( One-Shot )

The Day We all Went to the Mall and Did Stuff

O_O

A magic fic by LAI!! WEE!!!

Once upon a time, in a galaxy not so far away, there existed four young, teenage girls, who went by the names of Tei, Kyra, Starki, and Lai. Tei was an artist, with an insatiable hunger for humorous and frightening things (most of which she included in her drawings); Kyra was a hyper girl, who enjoyed spending her free time in creating and maintaining websites, and bugging her colleagues to make stuff for them; Starki was an extremely hyper person, not to mention impatient, who was obsessed with a hot English dude named Taz; and last, but not least, there was Lai (with a terrible crush on Auron from FFX - omg, she's cheating on Karsh!), who enjoyed zapping herself into video games and terrorizing annoying people like Tidus, along with drawing wolves and dragons and crap.

Well, after some hours and hours of planning and of bugging parents, the four girls finally managed to drag themselves over to the nearby mall, which was poorly named after some poem-y writer dude who had died God knows how long ago. The mall was said to be one of the largest malls in America, which Lai had always doubted…considering the mall was practically as small as that stupid Lucky Charms cereal leprechaun.

As all four of them strolled up to the glass doors, which provided an immovable and face-smacking entrance to the mall's interiors, Tei remarked, "LET'S GO EAT SOME FOOD!!"

"Okay!" said Kyra, obliviously, as she smacked herself into one of the doors. "Ow!"

"Wonderful job," muttered Lai, rubbing her chin. She approached another door, and tapped it lightly, as if she were trying to see if it would shatter or implode upon being touched. "Hmm…they appear to be-"

"Enough with the technicalities, captain! How do we get inside!?" shrieked Starki, in a Scottish accent.

"Shut up Spock-I mean-Starki!!" snapped Lai in return, as she struggled to push open the doors, to no avail. (even though Spock isn't the one with the Scottish accent-that's Scotty…err…I think. Heheh…Scotty…Scottish…get it? Ehh…I'll shut up.)

"We need something to pry open the doors with, or we'll all melt out here!" said Kyra, after peeling her face off of the door. She then pointed to the sweltering sun, which Starki was currently gazing into at the moment.

"You guhls need help?" asked a voice from behind, which was startlingly masculine, yet Austrian at the same time.

"Who the hell is that?" questioned Lai, in an irritated tone.

All four turned around and gasped: "ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGGER!"

"Yah, I ahm Ahnold," replied the steroid freak. "And I hahve come to halp you all! Heehai!"

Lai's response: "O_O"

"Okay, now, move, you girlies! Hoohai!"

All Ahnold-I mean-Arnold had to do was walk right into the doors, instantly creating a gaping hole as his head tore away the cement, his six-foot-wide arms shattering the glass upon touching it.

Lai's response: "O_O"

"Yay!" said Starki, after tearing her gaze away from the sun. "We can go in now!"

"Thank you Ahnold Schwartzenegger!" called Tei after the steroid-made giant, as he continued to walk past dozens of people, who all went flying into walls and stores if they touched him (bouncing off his huge muscles, of course).

"Let's go get some FOOD!" Lai hurried into the mall, but her right arm became encrusted in ice once she entered the freezing mall-air. "…ack! They seem to have activated some air-freezing device!"

"You mean…air conditioning," replied Kyra, with a smug little smile on her face.

"Shut up, you!" Lai snapped, and pointed to her arm. "I'm not going to lose my right arm to this malicious mall-air! SUPAH-MELTY POWAH!!!!"

Poof!, her arm was back to normal; for Lai had used a magical technique called Supah-Melty Powah, which used the "powah" of Scott, that weird X-Men dude with the glowy eyes, to melt stuff.

"I told you not to call me unless it was an EMERGENCY!!!" said Scott as he burst into tears and ran away crying.

Lai shrugged, then turned to the others and said, "Now…off to get some food! Where do we go? There's…S'Barros', Burger King, and a bunch of other little cheap-y crap places."

"Let's go to Burger King! Burger King!" cried Starki, hugging her pint-sized Taz plushie.

"OMG WEE!" Tei hurled herself into the crowds of people, bodysurfing her way down to the cheap and dirty Burger King.

"Bodysurfin' USA dudes! Let's go!" Lai grabbed a shamu plushie and bodysurfed along behind Tei. Yay! And that rhymed.

"Well, what are we waiting for?" Starki hopped onto the people-made-escalator, and traveled off with Kyra in tow.

"WEEEEE! Faster peoples!!" Kyra commanded, smacking some guy in the back of the head with a floppy disk: THE DISK OF MIGHT. (considering how she likes computers and stuff)

After bodysurfing for a full five minutes, they all arrived at the entrance to Burger King, which was currently being guarded by a demon…a demon in a skintight white tuxedo.

"BEWARE!! You are about to enter through…THE GATES OF HELL!!!!" bellowed the demon, as it balled a hairless fist at the four.

"Shut up," replied Lai, shoving the demon out of the way. "Lemme through. Stupid freak."

"I never knew Michael Jackson worked for the devil," observed Starki, as she and the others headed after Lai.

"Always expect the unexpected!" Lai said, as she dodged an incoming flying Michael Jackson clone-baby (aka IFMJC), like one of those flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz.

Meanwhile, Michael Jackson burst into tears and ran away crying like that Scott person, while he dragged his microphone-made-scythe behind him. "Waaahhh, nobody likes me!!"

Damn straight.

After ordering five dozen cheeseburgers and sixty pounds of fries, Tei, Lai, Starki, and Kyra all sat down to eat. They rambled about moronic and pointless things, such as how midgets were populating the bottom of the ocean, how Bill Clinton was in actuality a zombie strip-dancer, how Barney the Dinosaur caused the nuclear meltdown of Chernobyl, how Barbra Streisand's nose was really a space station under construction, among other completely stupid things.

Once the food had been entirely consumed-yes, all of the five dozen cheeseburgers and sixty pounds of fries (some of us have the appetites of Saiyans, thank you)-and also once they had hurled a few kids out of the windows while playing in the little kiddy play-area thing, the four decided to leave the fiery realms of Burger King, also known as HELL, and explore beyond its gates.

While walking down the aisle toward the exit, it was then that both Kyra and Starki saw someone…someone evil, someone partially balding from male pattern baldness, someone with cow-lick horns on his head, and a stupid grin on his face: SATAN.

"Oh my GOD," whispered Kyra, as she pulled the group into a nearby cheaply-made plastic Burger King booth thingy, "it's Mr. Baker!!" (Mr. Baker being an EVIL EVIL science teacher at Kyra's, Starki's, and Lai's school)

"What!? No way!" exclaimed Starki; "I thought he quit smoking marijuana and went to college!" She promptly received a smack in the head from Tei.

"No, that's Steve, from Blue's Clues, dumbass!" she responded, sternly.

"…Oh. Well, whatever then."

"You would know, Tei," remarked Lai (with a ¬¬ on her face).

"We can't escape without him seeing us…" Kyra watched the dreaded Mr. Baker, aka Satan, as he gnawed on a Whopper Jr., since a regular Whopper was too…whopping…for him. Ha, ha…err…back to the story.

"We need to come up with a plan to get him the hell out of our way," Lai said, studying the dirty and more or less disgusting eating habits of the devil himself.

"I know!" said Kyra, her face suddenly brightening up into a stupid smile. "I'll shit on him!"

Lai's response: "O_O"

"Yes, that would work!" Starki giggled, evilly rubbing her hands together. "Not only will he smell bad, but he'll look like what he actually is-a piece of shit!"

"Well, whatever, just make sure you shit on his head. Hence the term…shithead." Lai smirked at her own sense of cleverness. Yes, I am arrogant. ^^

"Yay!" Kyra smiled again, pulled down her pants (>_<), and skipped on over to Mr. Baker, where she promptly hopped up onto his head with one surprisingly and ungodly (well, we are in hell, right? Nothing can be godly in there) high leap, and began taking an amazingly large dump on his toupee.

"O_O Eeeww…" Tei hid her eyes from the horrible sight. "My virgin (heh, right) eyes!"

Lai's response: "¬¬ …virgin?"

Tei: "^_^;;"

"Anyone got a napkin?" Kyra was apparently finished in her task of head-shitting, and looking for something to wipe herself with. Uggh…bad mental picture.

"Um-no. Let's just get out of here before he sets his educational wrath upon us!!" Lai hurried out of the booth, dragging Tei and Starki behind her. Kyra soon followed, after wiping herself with Mr. Baker's handkerchief.

"GRRR!!! I'll get you for this, Captain Planet!-I mean-Kyra! I'll see you in SUMMER SCHOOL!" The girls could hear Satan's voice even as they flew on out of Burger King like bats out of hell-hey, it is hell! Cool simile. ^^

After running far enough away from Burger Hell…er…King, to a point where they could no longer hear Satan's incessant screaming from being shit on, Starki finally noticed a horrible place…a place so horribly horrible, that it was far too horrible to even say how horrible it actually was. A place called…the PRETTY BEAUTY NAIL SALON! And no, Miss Suan wasn't there…not yet, anyway.

"OMG I can finally re-paint my nails!!" Starki exclaimed, while reviewing her nails (currently coated with 8 flammable coats of different colored paint, and 10 coats of non-flammable paint).

Lai's response: "-______________________________-;;;;;;;;"

"WEE! Then let's go!" Tei grabbed Starki, and hurried on inside of the Pretty Beauty Nail Salon. Kyra followed behind them, while Lai grumbled and trudged as the last one in…her being an enormous tomboy and loathing all feminine products, after all.

-insert TWILIGHT ZONE music here-

While Starki sat in a big, pink, aggravatingly puffy chair, Tei began to sniff every ounce of hair dye, hair gel, nail paint, paint remover, and whatever else there was in existence, very soon becoming so high that she floated up to the ceiling. As Kyra examined the fake nails littered all across the carpeted floor, her eyes widened, and she cried in triumph:

"FOOD!!!!!!"

Soon enough, the pink carpet floor of the Pretty Beauty Nail Salon was sparkling clean (or as sparkly as a carpet can get), as all of the fake nails were currently sitting in Kyra's stomach. Betcha anything they're gonna remain sitting there for a few months-or years-or CENTURIES O_O_O_O_O_O_OO_OO (who knows how long Kyras live; their average lifespans are not known as of yet, since nobody's lived long enough to document a death).

Lai was going insane in the meantime, browsing through magazines filled with the utmost stupidity-namely, articles on hair, makeup, nails, and the like. Occasionally she would come across idiotic advertisements for nail polish or breast implants, and snort in disgust. God, was this getting boring…and smelly, for that matter. Damn nail polish.

It was another hour of extreme boredom before Starki's nails were finally done-having been coated with another 20 or so colors of paint. Kyra, in the meantime, had been busy gnawing on some paintings on the walls, and Tei was still sniffing some nail polish, while she floated on the ceiling.

"Wow! They're so beautiful!" remarked Starki, as she examined her nails. I don't know how in the hell she could even lift her hands with all that paint, let alone move her fingers.

"Yes, wow, I've never seen anything so stunning in my life," grumbled Lai in disinterest as she hurled a "beauty" magazine across the room, which hit a hair dryer and promptly burst into flames.

"You come to Pretty Booty Nail Salon again!" said the owner of the salon, Miss Suan. And that rhymed-again.

"Hopefully not." Lai folded her arms across her chest and watched Starki as she examined her "pretty booty" nails in the light.

"They did a damn good job, and only for `feety set'!" Starki beamed.

"You mean…fifty cents," said Lai.

"No, I mean `feety set'!" answered Starki.

"…Okay, whatever."

"LOOOOKK AT THE NAILS!!!" Starki proceeded to shove her nails into Kyra's face, then Tei's face, and then Lai's.

"Gahh!!! Nnnnoooooo!! My eyes!" Lai collapsed onto the incredibly dirty mall floor, where mall-floor monsters were notorious for swimming.

"EEP! Get up! I see some mall-zombies coming!" Tei cried, seeing a fin of debris coming straight for Lai.

-insert JAWS music here-

"Oh for God's sake." Lai stood up, brushed herself off, and had enough time to fix her hair before giving the pile (or fin) of debris a good kick. And of course, all of the garbage went flying in every direction.

"Ow!" a little voice said out of nowhere.

Lai's response: "o_O"

"Whew, that was close!" said Kyra, in her usual random outburst of stupidity.

"Err, yes. Well." Lai turned to the others, even though a midget was sitting on her shoulder. This midget was named Gary.

"Uhm, Lai…" Tei began, with a slight smirk on her face.

"What…"

"You have a midget on your shoulder."

"…Huh?"

"You have a midget on your shoulder. It looks like it's going to bite you."

"…Wtf!?!" Lai turned her head to peer over her shoulder, and was instantly greeted by the open jaws of the midget, Gary. "BYAAHHH!!! Get the @!$#%^ offa me, you little freak!!" Gary was promptly flicked into a nearby wall, where he splattered into a booger-shape.

"OMG WEEEEEEEEEE!" said a little voice out of nowhere.

Lai's response: "O_o"

"Now, where should we go, everyone?" asked Starki, still admiring her freshly-painted-and-repainted-and-repainted-and-repainted-and-repainted-and -repainted-and-repainted-and-repainted-and-repainted-and-repainted-and-repa inted nails.

"Well…that was interesting…" Lai dusted her shoulder off, then gazed around. "Hmmm…ah! I know! Let's head over to Electronics Boutique! They always have something stupid to do over there."

"YES! We must GO to the VIDEO GAME LAND!!!" Tei was immediately back on the human-escalator, bodysurfing back in the direction from whence the four had initially come.

Lai peered at Kyra. "Ready to continue your pilgrimage, Yuna?"

"Shut up." Kyra was then off, bodysurfing over the crowds and crowds and crowds of moronic people.

"Well, here we go!" Lai jumped into the people-ocean after Kyra, and Starki was the last to go, since she wanted her nails to dry off first before smudging them on people's faces while bodysurfing.

They bodysurfed for another five minutes before they were back where they had started, and they began walking toward Electronics Boutique…until one certain member of the group noticed who was on one of the public payphones.

Lai's response: "............................ O_O"

Kyra became alarmed once she realized that Lai was now lying on the ground, twitching. "…Ack! I think Terrence must have bitten her!" she cried, as she knelt down beside her. "She's having a Chinese attack!!"

Terrence was a horrible creature, made out of bat wings, lipstick, belly-button lint, and yellow paint. He was Chinese-defiling the name of his own race by being one of them-and had the most serious form of rabies known to man. He was also a midget. And everyone knows that a midget with rabies is a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE thing to come across.

"N-no…!!" Lai gasped, struggling to get up. "No Chinese attack! …YAAHHH!!!! ME MUST HAVE!!!"

Kyra's response: "O_O"

"Then what the hell is going on?" Tei placed both hands on her hips, as if she were trying to make some statement. Though what statement that is, I have no idea.

"A-AURON!!!!!!!!" Lai then proceeded to faint, like any stupid girl would when coming face to face with their hunky crush. ^_^

Tei's response: "O_O"

From over by the payphone, a man dressed in a red greatcoat lifted his head for a moment, at hearing his name being called, but then resumed in speaking to whomever it was over the phone. Probably some stupid guy-bleh, who cares? IT'S AURON, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!! ::drooooooooolllsssssss:: Mmm…Auron-tastic…

"Holy crap, it is Auron!" Starki said, in finally lifting her eyes from her now-blinding nails. DON'T LOOK AT THE NAILS! They're........POISONOUS O_O_O_O_O_O.

"Auron…licious…" muttered Lai, as she began to regain consciousness.

"Uh oh…" Tei said, remembering those days when Lai had just sat there in a puddle of her own drool as she watched Auron while playing FFX. "We'd better hold her back or else she'll drag him off and…do unholy things to him O_O_O."

"Yeah, that'd be a good idea. That is, if we knew where she was," replied Starki, with a curt smile.

Too late for you, Tei! Bwahahaha-err O_O-never mind.

Lai had already regained consciousness (or what consciousness there is for her, anyway-yes, I can make fun of myself), and was now hurtling at full speed toward Auron. The poor guy was oblivious to this in the meantime, for he was busy harassing someone over the phone.

"…Yo, bitch! Where's my MONEY!?" he growled, having shoved the phone down his…weird…hood-ish thing.

"Derrr…I…I don't have it yet…!" I think the guy on the other phone was a Teletubby. Particularly that gay British one.

"GRRRRR!!!!! I'm gonna bust you up so bad that you-hey-what the hell is that?"

"What? What is it?"

"O_O!! HOLY CRAP!!! It's…a FLYING KID!!!"

"A wha…?"

"AAHHH!!! NOOOOO!! GET IT AWAY FROM M-" ::CLLLLLLLLLICK!::

"…Wtf? …Oh well. At least I don't have to pay him any money now! ^_^" ::click::

The people around the magic payphones all scattered as Lai collided with Auron. She instantly knocked him to the ground and then engaged herself in the enjoyable task of smothering his face (with lots of funtastic facial-fuzz on it ^^) with kisses.

"EEEEEE!!! AURONNNNN!!!"

"GYAAHHHHH!!!!!"

Tei's response: "¬.¬"

Starki's response: "o_O"

Kyra's response: "^_^ It's so beautiful."

Auron's response: "DEAR GOD GET IT OFF OF ME!!!!!"

After covering Auron's face with her love-slobber, Lai grabbed Auron by his…hood-thingy, and dragged him back to the others.

"LOOK!! I got an Auron!" she cried, in triumph, holding up her catch by the hood-thing.

"You know, you're going to have to let it go at some point," Tei replied.

"No!! I wanna keep him!" Lai SQUEEEEEZZED Auron.

Auron's response: "X_x"

"You're gonna kill it if you keep squeezing him like that!" snickered Starki, as she watched Auron's face beginning to turn red, from all of the SQUEEEZZZING.

"Then I'll just get another one!"

Auron's response: "O.O …another one…?"

"OMG WEEE!!!" said a little voice out of nowhere…again.

"OMG SHUT UP!!!" snapped Lai, before returning to SQUEEEEZZZING the crap out of Auron…almost literally.

"......WWWAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!" cried the little voice out of nowhere, and hidden from behind a wall came Scott, that stupid X-Men guy, crying like a baby. "YOU'RE MEAN!" He then proceeded to run away crying........ .... ....................................... ... ..... ........................ ....................................................................... ........... ......... .... ................. ...... ................................................. .................. .......... ....................... .......................... .................. ............ ................. .... ..................... ......... .................... ............. ................. ................ .... ............ .......................... .......... .......... ........ ... ......... ... ... .. ... ...... ..again.

Meanwhile, Lai was still squeezing Auron, and his face was now a deep shade of royal blue from lack of oxygen. And no, this isn't that damned Looney Tunes crap show. It's MY STORY, AND NONE BUT MINE!!! BWAHAHAHA I STOLE AURON'S LINE!!…sort of.

"WEEEE AURON!"

"…ow…"

After another few minutes of Lai crushing Auron's bones into a weird powdery substance (which Tei would undoubtedly have gotten high off of, had it not been blown away by the…mall-breeze o_O), Kyra finally grabbed Lai, wrapped her up in a straight-jacket that floated down from the ceiling, and watched with tears in her eyes as Auron scrambled to his feet and ran away screaming.

"BE FREEEEE!" exclaimed Kyra in joy, crying like an idiot.

"COME BACK, LASSIE!!!" cried Lai, struggling against the straight-jacket. However, as Auron continued to run for his life without ever once looking back, she then directed her gaze over to Kyra. "MMRRAHHH!! You made my Auron get away! I'll-kill-you!!!…well…I'll kill you whenever I manage to get this thing off!"

"Nyah nyah!" Kyra stuck out her tongue (eew), then ran off into Electronics Boutique.

Meanwhile, all the people who had scattered away from the payphones were now back again, and staring at the three remaining girls. Lai immediately took this chance to chase those gawking freaks around, while she foamed at the mouth and snapped at their heels.

"BARK BARK BARK! MOO! HISS! CAW!!! CRUGNNN!!!" she snorted, mocking almost every type of animal in existence as she harassed lots and lots and lots and lots of stupid, stupid people. O_O Weird.

"OMG WEE!" Tei hurled herself onto the nearby kiddy-play-place thingy, with cheap plastic rides and slots that take like $400.00 for a 30-second ride. "RIDE, ELEPHANT! RIDE!" She rode the freaky pink elephant around and also chased some people, after inserting $1000.00 into the slot-for a 45-second ride.

Hey, we're millionaires. Or at least we are in fics, so…BLAH!!!!! We can afford it. ^^ And hell, do you really think Starki's nail job was "feety set"? I don't think so. Try "one thousand feety set". ¬¬ Stupid nail paint colors… O_O Uhm, anyway…

After a while of chasing the hundreds of morons around in circles, both Tei and Lai suddenly noticed one certain moron, who stood out from all the others…considering she was holding a big, shiny SPRINKLY STICK.

"LOOK, TEI!" Lai's eyes grew wide with…disease…or something. "FRESH…MEAT!!!!"

This "sprinkly stick" was in actuality a summoner's staff, which belonged to the incredibly stupid and annoying woman named…

"YUNA!!!!!! AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

Yuna's response: "O_O"

All of the other people scattered into corners to escape Yuna's supreme stupidity, but Lai and Tei remained. ::sniff:: Such brave souls, risking their enormous brains to get rid of the source of all idiocy on the planet. It's…so…beautiful!!! WAAAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA…!!! ::SNIFFF!!:: …guh…b-back to the s-story… ::sniff::

"Grrrrraahhh!! Yuna! You piss me off so much!!" Lai cried, still foaming at the mouth. "I'M GOING TO BITE YOU AND GIVE YOU RABIES!!!!"

"Yeah, Yuna! You're…um…STUPID!" Tei added, charging Yuna with her plastic elephant mount. "RAAAHHH!!!"

"FOR INSANITY!"

Lai also charged Yuna, and as both she and Tei collided with her, the idiotic summoner went flying up through the ceiling and beyond it into the troposphere, then the stratosphere, then the mesosphere, then the thermosphere, then Earth's basic atmosphere, then space, then the moon, and then finally the sun, as if she were a big stupid balloon gone out of control. Well, she always was an airhead! Ha, ha, ha..............ha..........er…never mind.

"To infinity and beyond, YUNA!!" said Lai, with a wild and rabid smile. "God speed. …Moron."

"WEEEE!" Tei hopped off the plastic elephant once her 45 seconds ran out. "Well, looks like Starki didn't stay long enough to see Yuna go BOOM, but WEE ANYWAY!"

"Yes. We must go and tell our tale to EVERYONE O_O_O_O_O_O," replied Lai, as she began to waddle over toward Electronics Boutique. Hey, it's hard to move in a straight-jacket, alright?

THE END….

Or is it?

O_O_O_O_O_O_O_O_O_O_O_O_O_O_O_O