Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ semper fi ❯ All The Wrong Words ( Chapter 2 )

Disclaimer: I don't own FFX. I have nothing to do with Squaresoft. But someday, I shall rule the world...! >D

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"She still won't eat." Lulu frowned. "From what I can gather, she's not even the slightest bit hungry."

"Still?"

"She said that she might come down later for some food, so leave a plate or two out."

Wakka rubbed his temple, sighing. "There's nothing more we can do for her, ya?"

"Not a thing, I'm afraid. She did want me to stay with her for awhile, though. I'll return to her in a few moments."

Wakka gave a half-grin, closing one large hand over Lulu's shoulder and bending to kiss her cheek lightly. "You go get 'er, ya? Man...it must be hard. I wouldn't know what to say to her."

"I really don't either. But I know how she feels." Lulu answered. "That doesn't make it much easier, unfortunately. She just needs time. And none of us are cruel enough to rush her. But those imbeciles with their treaties and papers certainly might be."

"I hope nothing goes wrong when they get here."

"Yuna should do fine."

"Either that or we can scare them away once and for all..." Wakka offered cheerfully, extracting a sleepy smile from his companion.

"That's for Yuna to decide. And if they never come back, well, then, the world's a happier place for it."

"Or at least Yuna is..."

Lulu raised an eyebrow. "Why do you say that?"

"'Ey, you never know. There might be something in the treaties that's to her advantage."

"What could possibly move a leader to make a treaty that would be advantageous to his rival?"

"Er, well..."

"Wakka's just trying to be optimistic,"

Lulu instantly recognized Yuna's voice; it was much softer than normal, a little hoarse, but a little sympathetic as well. She turned to see the young woman standing in the doorway of the kitchen, hands locked in front of her, as usual. Yuna's face looked pale, her hair slightly disheveled, but there was something like the ghost of a half-smile on her face, and that was good.

Lulu smiled, walking over to Yuna and embracing her. "Hungry?"

"A little."

"So you changed your mind! I'll go get you a plate."

"Thank you..."

The older woman walked past Wakka, and when she was gone, he himself approached Yuna and embraced her tightly.

"You doin' okay, Yuna?"

He felt her nod against his shoulder and smiled, despite her lie, into her hair. "Good. Need anything else?"

Yuna shook her head and Wakka broke the hug, raising a hand to clumsily straighten her hair. Yuna's answering smile was faint and very watered-down, but it was there, and that reassured him. Even if it was forced, even if he knew it was hard for her, Yuna's smile gave even him the inclination to believe that everything just might turn out alright after all.

Even after Sin was gone, Yuna's devotion was not. She was the most loyal person he knew, but that was working against her now. And he could do nothing. In a mix of nameless emotions, he mused that there was one person for sure who could remedy her sadness, but he'd slipped away along with the fayth and Yevon and Sin and all the things that Yuna could not have hoped to smite when they were all innocent, ignorant.

It wasn't Tidus' fault; Wakka couldn't blame him. It wasn't like he had a choice. But Yuna was like a sister to him, and seeing her in so much grief made him want to hurt the damned guy. Yuna didn't deserve it; of anybody, she was the one worthy of some happily-ever-after storybook life. She'd earned it. But instead she was left empty-handed, and that made him angry for her, and sad.

"Yuna, over here." Lulu called softly, and he could hear the clink of plate on table.

"'Ey, Lu, Yunie...I'm gonna hit the sack." yawned Wakka. "You two sleep tight, ya?"

"Good night," answered Yuna softly as she seated herself. Lulu nodded to Wakka in response, feigning indifference merely out of habit. The facade was somewhat pointless, but it was a routine, and routines were important for normalcy.

Wakka left.

Lulu sat beside Yuna, casually sipping ice water as Yuna picked at her food, obviously forcing herself to down the four or five miniscule bites she did eat. Lulu took it as a good sign, despite her summoner's lack of enthusiasm, and didn't disturb her.

"You...and Wakka seem really content..." Yuna began slowly. Lulu swore to herself; of all the things to talk about, it had to be this...

Lulu feigned indifference yet again. "It works,"

"You're happy lately."

"Yuna..."

The summoner smiled at her guardian, but the gesture was bittersweet. "Lulu, don't...I'm so glad for you."

"Isaaru's coming for a visit."

Yuna's fragile smile nearly vanished at the abrupt change of subject. "Oh...it'll be nice to see him. What about Pacce, and Maroda?"

"His letter didn't mention them; I don't think they're coming along."

"I understand," nodded Yuna. "They'll be wanting to finish settling in. When will he be here?"

"Likely tomorrow or the day after. He said he had some business to take care of along the way."

"Hn..."

"You don't sound very enthused. Do you want me to tell him not to come?"

"Oh, no...I wouldn't turn him out. I'm just...distracted. I'm sorry."

"It's fine, Yuna; don't worry."

Yuna noted that Lulu didn't meet her eyes as she said that. Lulu's sincerity was almost constant, but Yuna didn't believe her then, in the moment that Lulu hid her gaze.

I've failed you somehow, Lulu...and not just you. All of you...I'm not doing my job. I'm being selfish, I'm being foolish, I'm being...

I'm being...human. And maybe they expect me to be strong and brave, their precious leader Yuna, the way I pretended to be during the pilgrimage. I kept smiling so they would; Tidus, Tidus was the only one of them to even acknowledge that most of it was false. I'm doing what any woman would do at the death of a lover, a soulmate - grieving. I want to be allowed that much. Let me at least have my sorrow, if I'm not allowed my joy.

Yuna found herself feeling strangely angry; almost betrayed. She'd smile all she could for the people of Spira; they needed it. They had assumed that she would ascend the throne of power. As soon as Yuna had stepped back onto solid ground, 'Maestress' was the word pouring out of their mouths like water. They had assumed that it was what she would have wanted. She forgave them that -- they didn't know her, didn't know that it was the last thing on Spira she would have wished for. But for Lulu, who knew her from head to toe and knew well enough from a woman's intuition what had passed between her and Tidus, to sit there hiding her eyes and telling her that it was okay, lying to her face - that hurt Yuna worse than if Lulu had struck her. That Lulu would deny Yuna these truths; that she would pretend that she didn't know what Yuna felt. And more so, that she would continue to let Yuna work herself half to death. Yuna knew she was doing it; knew that whenever she went on one of her short crusades she came back so exhausted that she slept for almost a full day. But it kept her mind off of Tidus, and off of everything else she didn't trust herself not to think about when her mind was idle.

There was an uncomfortably long silence; Lulu broke it, after what seemed like an hour, with a soft word. "Will you go down to the village this week? There's still a fever."

"Yes...I'll do that tomorrow afternoon." said Yuna, with a barely-visible sigh. "They know I can't cure it..."

"I bet they do. But you're their resident diety, Yuna," Lulu 'hnph'ed dryly, making a weak attempt at humor that was stale in Yuna's ears. "At least go and bless them with your presence."

"That's a poor joke."

"It will make them happier..."

Her composure was that of stone, but Yuna wanted to scream.

And in that moment she saw herself, and saw how she'd changed. Where before she would have rushed to make anyone happy, she found herself withdrawing inward, guarding herself. They had taken too much of her; what little reserves of kindness she had left were just enough to smile with, but not enough to hide her weariness. And soon they would be drawing out of her from places where there was nothing left.

But what scared her the most was that she discovered that she didn't care anymore. She simply didn't care. The people of Besaid could be happy without her - she wasn't necessary. She had done enough; more than enough, sixty times sixty what they had expected of her, and they wanted still more.

Yet Yuna had sense. She knew she was being foolish. It was the people, the thousands upon thousands of people that mattered. Not her. Anything she felt was irrelevant; Lulu was, in a sense, correct to act the way she did. It left injusticed bitterness in Yuna's heart. All her life, she'd given and given, and when she could not give at all, they expect her to give more than ever...

Any hint of these feelings had been swiftly and calmly snuffed during her youth; been dismissed as foolishness, selfishness. She was devoted to a far greater cause. But Yuna wanted to drown in those feelings now, raging sorrow and anger and betrayal and everything that had ever forced one of those wretched smiles onto her face.

"Then that will do," said Yuna softly, a slight edge to her tone. "I'll go perform for the spectators."

"Yuna, you know very well I didn't mean it like that. There are the children there who practically believe you're an angel; they cry for you instead of their own mothers."

"Perhaps because their mothers are dead."

"They believe you're some kind of miracle worker, Yuna..."

"Why hasn't anyone told them otherwise? Lulu, I'm only human!" she cried.

Lulu's smile was sad, understanding. Yuna admitted that she had a terrible gift for empathy behind her concrete facade, but whether or not she would choose to show it was anyone's guess. "I know. But look at all you've done...you can't possibly blame them. You're their Maestress, their hero. You're what they need."

"I matter nothing to them!"

Her guardian's expression was slightly puzzled. "What are you talking about? You matter everything to them."

"You misunderstand. I matter nothing to them. I."

Lulu frowned. "Do you expect everyone to have a personal understanding of their Maestress' needs? A personal relationship with a woman they've likely never met?"

Yuna did almost scream then.

"I am Yuna!" Her voice came loud, sharp, angry; enough to visibly startle Lulu. "People say 'Maestress' as if it were the name I was given from birth. Even you. My name is Yuna. I am Yuna. I'm not some political plaything, some...ragdoll, some ventriloquist's favorite puppet. I'm not a goddess either. There's no point in trying to act like nothing touches me. I'm human, Lulu. I never wanted this. I never wanted it to turn out like this at all. You can't possibly expect me to keep pretending that I did."

"I don't," answered Lulu gently. "but you have a responsibility. It's not my, or your, or anyone's fault. It's what you need to do."

"I'd give this godforsaken position to someone else if I was able."

"I agree." Lulu nodded slowly, sliding out of her chair and taking both plates to the sink. "But there are no hands more capable than yours. You're not the only one who has what it takes to lead; others do, too. But you lead in a clean way. There's none of the deception and the hate when you move your hand, Yuna. You do it with care, and people love you all the more for that."

"I don't want their love." answered Yuna bitterly. She didn't dare say what she felt; she was afraid it might turn out to be true.

I can't do this.

She watched as Lulu washed her hands, dried them, and then walked over to rest her fingers on Yuna's shoulder. Yuna didn't meet her eyes.

"I just want you to be happy...we all do."

Yuna couldn't help the wry huff of a laugh that escaped her. "...I'm working on it."

"I'm going to bed. Need anything?"

"No, thank you. Good night,"

"Try to get some sleep, Yuna."

Yuna remained motionless, listening to Lulu's retreat until her footsteps faded into silence.

After that, all she could do was tremble, eyes closed tightly as if to fight against the rush of aloneness that so suddenly invaded her.

I'm alone amid my lifetime companions -- what power do you have over me, Tidus, to turn my heart inside out so that I love only you and care nothing about anything else?

But then again...I'm not alone. Can't be, musn't be.

Because you love me. You know me. And you would shelter me.

From all of them...and from myself.

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And here I am saying I'll be writing short chapters. D'oh. Well, that's Shad for you: constantly jinxing herself. :D

Review please. :P This is, no doubt, the strangest undertaking I've ever undertaken, and so it'd be nice if you could let me know what's wrong/right with it. Or, if you don't wanna, that's...*sniff*...fine too...*sniffle*

And if you're wondering what happened to DCT, it *is* coming along...I promise it'll be updated...eventually. x-x I've rewritten the darn chapter five times. Be merciful.

Oh, one more quick thing: Semper, unlike my other FFX short stories or one-shots, doesn't follow completely along with the plot line of DCT or Reminisce or any of them. I might go so far as to call it an...AU of my own fic, maybe :P Yuna's condition and Isaaru's role *will* go along with it, but the Wakka/Lulu pairing kind of sets things on a different scale, seeing as DCT is Wakka/Rikku. (Wakka, you pimp! :P) I can see both pairings happening, but...not both at the same time. Sorry, Wakka :D

More to come soon.