FLCL Fan Fiction / Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ n00b Genesis Evangelion ❯ n00b Guts and Glory Evangelion ( Chapter 4 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
A manmade storm raged as a Mil Mi-55D heavy transport helicopter flew over the
Pacific Ocean.

Kensuke's camcorder strained to capture everything in and outside the aircraft.
"I never thought I'd get a chance to fly in a Mi-55D! Thanks, Shinji! You're a
great friend!"

"Say again?" Shinji heard nothing through his headphones and earplugs;
double-hearing protection was mandatory in military aircraft, many of which
lacked soundproofing.

"I think it's stuffy to be in that damn mountain, day after day, so I asked you
all on a date." Misato heard nothing as well.

"Yeah, the Bulls really kick ass," Toji referred to a basketball team.

The woman pointed out the window. "There's our cruise ship! Isn't she...?"
She frowned, raised binoculars to her eyes, and focused on a Nimitz class
aircraft carrier. "USS... Harry S. Truman?! She was renamed 'Over the Rainbow'
in the TV series!"

A note fell onto the woman's lap, reading, "Would you rather cruise on the
starships 'Enola Gay' and 'Bockscar', from 'Gung-Ho Gun Hos'?"

"Bullshit!" Misato crumbled the author's note, dropped it on the floor, and
repeatedly stomped on the paper wad. "That son-of-a-bitch author is pissing me
off!"

"Wow! Five carriers and four battleships!" Kensuke exclaimed, oblivious to
everything else.

*

The bespectacled boy ran around the 40-meter-tall fighting machine on the flight
deck, his camcorder capturing the red-and-yellow Eva aboard the Ulyanovsk, a
Soviet aircraft carrier serving as an armed cargo ship. "Wow! Good, good,
good, good! I might not get close-ups of the Soviet Navy's fixed-wing aircraft,
but...!" Then his prosthetic leg became numb, and Kensuke fell. "Ow! Stupid
doctor-- 'We live in an era when Science is God,' of bullshit!" he repeated
Maya's words to him after the operation. He saw a baseball cap tumbling on
deck. "Eh?" The bespectacled boy sat up, facing Toji. "You're not going to
dive for your new hat?"

"And get slapped-- twice-- for accidentally looking up Asuka's skirt?" the jock
countered.

"The first was for the accident; the second was for intentionally and stupidly
flashing her," Shinji referred to Episode Eight.

Toji's fist clenched and then loosened. "Hey, if you can grow the spine you
ain't supposed to have, I can grow the brain I ain't supposed to--"

"Yaaaa!"

A replica of musician Paul McCartney's guitar-- Rickenbacker Model 4001C64--
hammered the back of Toji's head, launching him forwards. "Ahhhh!"

A pink-haired, golden-eyed girl raised the guitar, preparing to hammer the
jock's forehead. "And...!" Bang! She nearly dropped her guitar when a
hollow-point bullet flattened itself upon the instrument.

Smoke rose from the HK45 muzzle. "Touch my friend again, and I'll lobotomize
you," Shinji coldly said.

"Okay." The girl put the baseball cap on Toji's head, covering the growing
lump. "Here's your hat."

Misato frowned when she recognized the girl. "Haruhara Haruko? What are you
doing here? And where the hell is Asuka?"

"I'm Officer First Class Haruko Haruhayeva Raharuva, Galactic Police Force,
attached to Soviet Naval Aviation with the effective rank of senior lieutenant."
The girl grabbed and shook Misato's hand. "I'm here because Asuka
Langley-Soryu's in a mental hospital right now."

"But you're not one of the Children! You're not even in a 'FLCL' story!" Misato
mentioned an animated series starring Haruko.

"I'm a space alien with superhuman powers! Piloting an Eva is child's play!"
the girl exclaimed.

"But...!"

A man with extremely thick eyebrows appeared. "Major Misato Katsuragi?" he
greeted, following a naval custom of temporarily promoting captains from other
services. "I am Commander Amarao Amaraovich Amarao," he began, using the US
Navy equivalent of his rank, when the woman clawed at his forehead. "Ow!"
Amarao looked up. "Noooo! My eyebrows!"

Misato crumbled two strips of dried seaweed: Amarao's fake eyebrows. "This is a
'Neon Genesis Evangelion' story! Get the hell out...!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" Toji, his arms flailing, drew everyone's attention as
the lump grew into a monolith; then the jock lost his balance and fell on his
face. "Ow! What the hell...?" The monolith split lengthwise to reveal a
mouthful of sharp teeth. "Jaws?!" With that, Gaghiel, Angel of Fish, burst out
a wormhole-- the NO channel-- in Toji's head.

"Chaaaance!" Haruko jumped, changed into her plug suit-- an Eva pilot's
uniform-- in midair, and landed in the entry plug.

***

N00B GENESIS EVANGELION, Part 4

***

"You didn't say an Angel may attack here and now," Amarao whispered into his
satellite communication unit.

"Unit 06 is there for this contingency, as is the reserve pilot," Gendo replied
from Tokyo-3.

"But the reserve pilot is useless-- worse, powerless and in need of protection--
without a reserve Eva to pilot."

'Fuck!' "How dare you question me?! I am a genius-- a mastermind! My plan
will work, and all will occur according to my schedule!" The bearded man took
deep breaths to calm down. "In the worst-case scenario, you may-- must escape
by yourself."

"I know."

*

Shinji and Kensuke, a shoulder under each of Toji's armpits, carried the jock to
the helicopter preparing to takeoff.

"Um," a delirious Toji turned to see blurs instead of faces, "Shinji?" he asked
the darker blur. "You ain't gonna... fight the Angel?"

"With what? Eviscerator Unit 01 is in Tokyo-3," Shinji deadpanned.

"You get... in the cockpit... with Haruko." The jock laughed. "I said cock!"
He fell off his friends' shoulders, onto his back, when another monolith grew
from his head. "Ow! What the hell...?" Unit 01 burst out the NO channel and
then fell on its face.

"How convenient," the Eviscerator pilot deadpanned.

*

The Ulyanovsk's bridge was in furor. "Target Alpha is accelerating--
approaching this ship from nine o'clock! Whoa!" Everyone reached for a
handhold as the ship rocked. "What was...?"

Misato ran to a window. "How the hell...?" She watched the Eviscerator stand
up and draw the M65 'handgun' from its holster. "Shinji-kun, draw your
progressive knife!" she shouted into the radio.

"With all due respect, Ma'am, I'm not a kamikaze pilot," Shinji growled.

"What? But close quarters combat is the best way to defeat an Angel!"

"Not if I 'bring enough gun,'" the Eviscerator pilot repeated a big game
hunter's mantra.

"Wait," Counter-Admiral Valery Mikhailovich Storozhevoy, captain of the
Ulyanovsk, interrupted, "if Evangelion Unit 06 is using the adapter you brought,
what's powering Unit 01?" Evangelions lacked integral power plants; the Tokyo-3
municipal power grid generally powered the Evas via an umbilical cord. The
Mi-55D brought one adapter, allowing the Ulyanovsk's nuclear reactor to power
one Eva; the helicopter was unable to carry a spare.

"Shit!" Misato reached and fell forwards, burying the naval officer's head
under her breasts. "Ow!"

"Big boobies, me like," a dazed Storozhevoy breathed, the mammary glands' sweet
scent acting like chloroform.

The tactician grabbed the radio handset out of the naval officer's hands.
"Shinji-kun...?"

The Eviscerator pilot answered, "Four minutes and 28 seconds," of power
available from Unit 01's integral battery. "Plenty of time to kill."

Unit 06 drew a straight razor, unfolded the blade, and activated a motor in the
grip. "Ready or not," Gaghiel jumped out the water, "here I come," the
shark-like Angel arced towards the Ulyanovsk, "and get it!" The burning white
blade met the corner of Gaghiel's mouth. The Angel split lengthwise, spilling
intestines so thick, a truck could drive from stomach to rectum.

"Move!" The Eviscerator dived between Unit 06 and the Angel; the pistol kissed
Gaghiel's now exposed S² organ; then Shinji squeezed the trigger, sent a
250-kilogram high explosive shell into the organ, and shattered it.

***

"I didn't expect you to hog all the glory," Toji commented as Soviet seamen
washed Gaghiel's blood off the flight deck.

"I did what I did to neutralize a threat and save lives, not to hog the glory."
Shinji finished a can of Whoopass Cola.

"Yaaaa!" Click! Haruko found herself staring at a pistol muzzle; her guitar
stopped a centimeter from Shinji's forehead. "I thought a gentleman would never
raise arms against a lady."

"I don't want to hit a girl, but if you attack me, then you're an enemy, and the
kid gloves are off," Shinji coldly stated.

"Fair enough." The pink-haired girl slung the guitar across her back. "Do you
play baseball?"

*

Amarao entered the office and approached the commander's desk. "I hope this was
worth the trouble it caused." He opened the suitcase to reveal an embryo
encased in Bakelite.

"No cost is too great for Adam, the first human being, core component of the
Human Instrumentality Project," Gendo confidently answered.

'He looks as friendly as a child molester,' Amarao thought of the bearded man's
smile. "What now?"

"You do not need to know."

"I do if you intend to piss off the author. The things he does to characters in
his stories..." The Soviet shuddered.

Gendo stood up and slammed a fist against the marble desk. "I recognize no god
but Man himself." 'Don't let him know your pain-- your weaknesses.' The
bearded man waited for Amarao to leave; then he screamed, "Ah! My hand! Ooh!"

***

N00B GUTS AND GLORY EVANGELION

A 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' story by Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), 2009,
revised 2010. Characters created and owned by Gainax. Special thanks to Stas
Bush.

***

'I look like a fucking Sikh,' Toji stared at his reflection in the window his
bandaged head rested on. "Shinji, you grew up in another country. Can you tell
me how to handle women like that pink-haired...?"

"Lieutenant Raharuva is a loony Russian who claims to be a space alien. I'm a
US citizen-- American-- who's yet to visit Russia, a psychiatric hospital, or
outer space. How would I know how to handle her?" the pilot countered.

"Mmm, mmm, mmm." A mummified Kensuke meant to tell the jock, 'Consider yourself
lucky; at least you don't have Comrade Crazy as a coworker,' but the bandages
prevented jaw movement.

Vroom! "What the hell...?" Boom, clatter, clatter! An olive-drab Vespa 180
scooter crashed through the door, launching wooden panels across the classroom.
"Shit!" "Ahhhh!" The students ducked, covering their heads as the scooter
skidded sideways.

Kensuke noticed the rider straddled a weapon, the muzzle-- now pointing at the
students-- extending through a cutout in the scooter's leg shields. 'A Vespa
150 TAP?' operated by the Troupes aéroportées, French airborne forces. 'No,
that's a KPV!' he identified the heavy machine gun mounted under the seat.

The rider parked her scooter behind the teacher's desk, removed her helmet and
goggles, and waved. "Hi! I'm your new teacher, Officer First Class Senior
Lieutenant Haruko Haruhayeva Raharuva! Just call me Comrade Haruko!"

"Shit!"

"Mmm!"

"Suzuhara-kun, Aida-kun, please refrain from using profanity. You're
embarrassing the class before our new teacher."

"Oh shit!"

"I warned you, Suzuhara-kun. You have detention for... Oh my God!"

"Oh hell," Shinji growled as a hole appeared in the floor collapsed under Toji
and the monolith's combined weight, even as the growth burst through the
ceiling.

*

"How the hell did it sneak up on us?" Makoto wondered aloud.

"It probably emerged from an NO channel." Misato's fist clenched. "If the
Children become casualties due to Raharuva's actions..."

A satellite image of the New Tokyo-3 First Junior High School-- children fleeing
from a burning building, smoke rising from the hole in its roof, an unidentified
flying object rocketing away from school-- appeared onscreen.

"Why can't we detect its wavelength pattern?" Maya referred to energy an AT
field generated.

"Why does it look like a Gundamn?" Makoto named robots from another TV series.

"This is the XR-79 Gunboy, from 'Mechanized Soldier Gunboy'," a boyish voice
radioed. "The United Earth's..." Wham! "Ow!"

"Shut up, Anne-Marie," Shinji radioed.

"My name is Amano! Amano Rei!" the new boy shouted.

"Oh, the 'Bad Anime' parody of a Gundamn pilot!" Haruko added.

"Um, which Gundamn pilot is he the parody of?" Hikari wondered.

"I don't know; the studio keeps plagiarizing its own work in the 'Gundamn'
sequels."

"Ah! Will you get that fucking guitar out of...? Ow! Class President!" Toji
protested.

"Watch your language when you're speaking to a teacher, Suzuhara-kun!" Hikari
scolded.

The Command Center personnel collectively frowned. "The Gundamn cockpit is big
enough-- barely-- for all five of you?" Misato rhetorically questioned.

"Mmm!" 'Seven!' Kensuke meant to say.

Shinji began, "Anne-Marie..."

"Amano!" Wham! "Ow!"

"His robot emerged from the wormhole in Toji's head; then he started shooting
and screaming for his boyfriend."

"Charles Assyria is not my boyfriend! He..." Wham! "Ow!"

"Is it necessary for you to continue joking about others' gender preferences?"
Rei asked the Eviscerator pilot. "If you intend to prove you are
heterosexual--"

"Leave them be; Anne-Marie," 'the punk ass bitch,' Toji thought to avoid the
class president's ire, "deserves it."

"Comrade Haruko put a FRAG-12 in the robot's eye," Shinji referred to grenades
launched from a 12 gauge shotgun. "After searching for survivors, she dismissed
the class, so Anne-Marie's giving us a ride home."

"Ma'am, the JMSDF reports the sighting of a gigantic underwater object, off the
Kii Peninsula," Shigeru referred to the Japan Maritime Self-Defense Force.
"They're forwarding data to us now."

"Analysis confirms a blue pattern: an Angel," Makoto added.

Misato sighed. "Shinji-kun..."

Another sigh. "I know, I know."

*

The head-- curiously resembling the yin-yang symbol-- rose from the sea. Then
Israfel, Angel of Music, waded towards the shore.

"Remember the," Misato watched Unit 06 charge, swing a 'chainsword'-- a chainsaw
blade attached to a sword hilt-- and cut Israfel in half, "plan," of hers, which
the Eva pilots regularly discarded. "I need a new job."

"What the hell...?" Makoto exclaimed as each half grew an arm and a leg; Israfel
was now two separate entities.

"Cool!" Unit 06 somersaulted backwards, dodged an Angel's claws, and landed
beside Unit 01.

Shinji radioed, "Command One, this is Unit 01. Request permission to use
Whiskey Niner-Niner."

A voice replied, "Unit 01, this is Command One. Permission granted."

Misato turned to the black man now standing in the Command Center. "What the
hell are you doing here?!"

Abe stated, "The M65 gun and the W99 shells are US government property, so Pilot
Ikari needs authorization from an O7 or above to use tactical nuclear weapons."
O7 was a brigadier general's pay grade.

The tactician's eyes widened. "Did you say...?" Boom! She turned to the
mushroom cloud onscreen. "Shinji-kun, what the hell are you doing?!"

"Neutralizing a threat," the Eviscerator pilot deadpanned.

"How could I be so foolish?!" Maya put a hand on her forehead. "He meant
'Atomic Cannon,' not 'Automatic Cannon!'"

"B-b-but a nuclear weapon-- an evil weapon-- how could you?!" Misato continued.

"A weapon is a tool, neither good nor evil. Reserve judgment for those using
the weapon-- human beings, not mindless tools and instruments," Shinji
countered.

Toji leaned against a wall, behind the tactician. "Did Shinji finish off the
Angels?"

The brunette's fingers danced on the keyboard. "Targets-- let's call them Alpha
and Bravo-- have lost approximately 30 percent of their body mass."

"The Third Children merely halted its-- their advance towards NERV
Headquarters," Kozo stated. "It's only a matter of time before the Angel--
Angels resume their attack."

"That's why the M65 has a ten-round magazine," the black man added.

Kozo paled as he turned to the US Army officer. "What?!" Boom! The Command
Center personnel collectively winced at the second mushroom cloud.

"Is it dead yet?" Shinji asked.

Maya began, "Targets Alpha and Bravo have..."

The angelic halves each raised a sign, one reading, "WE QUIT", the second, "I
QUIT".

"Surrendered," the brunette finished the two halves to form a single entity.
Then the Angel, no longer willing to fight after it lost 75% of its original
mass, turned and limped away from Tokyo-3.

***

To be continued.

Chapter 3
Chapter 5
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