FLCL Fan Fiction / Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ n00b Genesis Evangelion ❯ n00b Get to the Point Evangelion I ( Chapter 8 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
Kaoru approached her blue-haired counterpart. "You're Rei Ayanami, the First
Child, right?" the 5th Child greeted in English. "We are two of a kind."

"I am not a lesbian," Rei deadpanned.

The 5th Child's brow twitched. "What...?"

The 1st Children's mobile phone rang. "Excuse me, I must answer this call."
Rei exited the classroom to answer the telephone.

Haruko approached her German coworker. "Comrade Gabriel, our Japanese-American
friend returns today." She pronounced the name "Gay-bri-el," like an American;
it was pronounced "Gah-bri-el" in most nations. "Can you help Comrade Shinji
catch up with his classmates?"

"My name is not Gay-bri-el," Kaoru growled.

"Are you still the Angel of Free Will?" the pink-haired girl's counter broke the
4th Wall. "The Hebrew term is 'bechirah chofshit'-- Tabris is a nonsensical
bunch of letters."

Confusion replaced anger. "Hebrew...? Oomph!" The 5th Child nearly fell when
Haruko pushed her; she recovered her balance to find a thick folder in her
hands. "The Rear End of Evangelion?" she read a title from the folder's

Rei returned. "Raharuva-sensei, my duties will prevent me from attending the
next three days of class."

"Okay, Comrade Rei." The pink-haired girl turned to say, "Later, Comrade
Gabriel," as she started the Vespa motor.

"Stop calling me Gay--" Kaoru shut her eyes as the scooter's wheels threw dust
and sand at her. "Cough, cough, cough, cough!" Her eyes reopened to find
Haruko gone. "I hate you, Herr Sidewinder."




Rei was lost, not geographically-- she bought a map the moment she arrived-- but
psychologically. Sweat poured down her body as she carried a cello case on her
back; the blue-haired albino was a violinist, but she needed a larger case to
hide the Type 97 antitank rifle, an instrument with which she'd grant the
commander vengeance.

She didn't know who to use the instrument on. Gendo ordered her to kill
Sidewinder, but admitted he didn't know what the author looked like; he could
only describe Sidewinder as an American soldier, gun nut, and enemy of Japan.
Rei stepped out of the story to find herself on another planet; nine-out-of-ten
people went about their business with handguns at their side, rifles or machine
guns slung across their chest; and the question "Where is Sidewinder?" made
computer consoles display a motorcycle-like vehicle resembling the AIM-9
air-to-air missile.


The 1st Children turned to the speaker. "Subcommander Fuyutsuki." She bowed.
"I was unaware the Commander sent you on this mission."

Kozo raised an inquiring eyebrow. "What mission?"

Rei pointed at the Walther PPK holstered at the older man's side. "Are you not
here to assassinate the author?"

Kozo laughed. "I'm not here to take a life-- certainly not my own." He leaned
close to Rei, his false cheer gone, his sheer terror no longer hidden. "I
advise you to abort your mission. Sidewinder-san is writing this story, not
Anno Hideaki-san. Unlike Director Hope-Is-Dead-Ennui-Already-Killed-It, Mister
Mutually Assured Destruction handles dissent the way a military dictatorship
does: with such brutality, the executioner will seem a humanitarian when the
'enemy of the state' is finally killed."

Rei's head shook. "I cannot refuse the Commander's orders. It matters not if I
must die to complete my mission; I can be replaced. Will you at least tell me
where to find the author or his self-insert?"

The older man sighed. "You're in it." Sensing the girl's confusion, Kozo
added, "In the 'Gung-Ho Gun Hos' stories, the self-insert is the Gung-Ho
Republic, a police state occupying over 100 planets. The army and navy-- battle
tanks, gunships, fighter-bombers, and battleships with warp drives to better
police multiple star systems-- execute its president's will. You can be happy
here, pretend you're happy to avoid government scrutiny, or have WMD scatter
your atoms across a star system for your dissent."

Rei blinked; Kozo was among the few to know this meant the girl was stunned or
even scared. "Failure is not an option. If I cannot complete the mission, I
must die in the attempt."

"Or you can do what I'm doing: leave Tokyo-3 for safer haven elsewhere. I
accepted a position as Japanese language teacher, so our descendents wouldn't
lose their cultural heritage on this planet. You can teach tea ceremony-- just
create your own," Kozo added before the girl admitted she didn't know how to
perform a tea ceremony. "Gung-Ho culture is a confused mix of China, Germany,
and America's-- the Chinese hero Guan Yu is worshipped as the German god Wotan--
no one will know the difference."

A wrinkle appeared between Rei's eyes-- she was angry, but few would know this.
"I must desert, as you did?"

"I didn't desert; I resigned, informed Ikari Gendo-kun of my decision, and
submitted a letter of resignation. Knowing him, he probably dismissed me as
irrelevant to his plans-- the reason he didn't tell you I quit-- or failed to
pay attention when I told him so. Remember the Fifth Angel's attack, when the
Commander didn't know his son was in Misawa?"

The wrinkle was gone. "Oh." Rei bowed again. "Goodbye, Subcommander
Fuyutsuki." With that, she turned and walked away.

The older man suppressed a sign. 'Poor girl needs to "get a life" outside
Project Eva.' "What will you do now?"

"I will return to Tokyo-3."


"I will await further orders."

"If your next order is impossible to perform, like assassinating a
megalomaniacal writer whose monstrous ego dominates 100 planets on multiple star
systems?" Kozo released the sigh when silence answered the question.
"Ayanami," he paused, "Rei-kun, why don't you stay for a day or two, and see the
world outside of Tokyo-3? At least see it as Sidewinder-san sees it, so you
can," 'avoid an agonizing death,' "survive what trials the author puts his
characters through."

The blue-haired albino spent a minute analyzing her options-- time which seemed
days to one uncertain which was the right choice, another certain that choosing
otherwise would invite death and destruction. "Very well, Sub--"

"Just call me Fuyutsuki-sensei," the subcommander-turned-schoolteacher said.

"Very well, Fuyutsuki-sensei." Rei bowed.


Gendo stood before Evangelion Unit 01-- he restored the original name after
Shinji became Unit 03's pilot, but toy manufacturers continued to market Unit 01
as an "Eviscerator"-- caressing the cable cutter. "Our enemies grow impatient
with the knowledge the obstacles they represent will soon fall before us. When
the last Angel appears, all our dreams will finally..." His mobile phone rang.
"Fuck!" The bearded man raised the telephone to his ear. "Ikari," he growled.

"I apologize for the interruption, Commander," Rei began, "but I encountered
unforeseen difficulties with the execution of Operation Kill Sidewinder. I
require an additional week, at minimum, to gather information on the target."

"I cannot afford the time," Gendo answered. "The author advanced the schedule
by," he lowered the phone, pressed a button to make its screen display a
calendar, and raised the phone again, "an estimated four to six months. He must
die now. Tell me what additional resources are required; I will provide them so
you may complete the operation."

"How typical of Ikari Gendo-kun to act as if the world revolves around him; I
sometimes suspect he's actually American," a masculine voice added.

The bearded man almost dropped his phone. "Rei, is Subcommander Fuyutsuki

"Yes, Commander," the blue-haired albino answered.

"I wish to speak to him." Gendo waited as Rei's phone was put in the older
man's hands. "Subcommander Fuyutsuki, report."

"I resigned because Sidewinder-san is so megalomaniacal, his self-insert is a
police state-- a Goddamn nation with a Goddamn army-- I know to challenge him is
to die. Rei-kun may be your doll, but she is not a-- what do Americans call it,
bullet sponge-- you can throw before the author's guns and hope that nut has no
anti-armor munitions. Oh, you best reconcile with your son and apologize for
abandoning him-- bribe Shinji-kun with a sports car if you must-- before it's
too late."

Gendo's grip tightened, as if trying to strangle the phone casing. "Rei--"
Fuyutsuki hung up before the other could order his execution. "Argh!" An
enraged Gendo slammed the phone against the catwalk, shattering the casing.
"Fuck!" Regretting this impulsive act, the bearded man picked up the pieces and
tried to reassemble the phone. "Let's see, connect this wire to that, plug this
diode into that socket, attach this..." Zap! "Ah!"


The mobile phone sang with Frank Sinatra's voice. "Fly me to the moon--"

"Ugh." Maya-- jetlagged from her trip to the US as NERV's 'technical advisor'--
patted the desk for her phone. Beep! "Moshi moshi?"

"Doctor Ibuki, Rei has," 'deserted,' "fallen victim to the author's madness,"
Gendo lied. "You must activate her... Which Rei will this be? The second?"

"Pilot Soryu was prescribed methylenedioxymethamphetamine-- ecstasy-- as part of
her psychedelic psychotherapy." Her mind was dulled by desperate measures she
took to avoid becoming a living blowup doll, as she was in 'The Rear End of

"The Second Children is irrelevant to this story; she can rot in hell for all I
care," Gendo growled. "Awaken Rei II."

Maya shook her head, clearing it; then she opened a file on her computer.
"According to the author's notes, her first incarnation... died... during an
unsuccessful attempt to activate Evangelion Unit 00," as depicted in Episode
Five, though the event occurred 22 days before this. "This will be her third."

The bearded man's teeth grit against each other. 'The bastard!' "Then activate
her third-- wait. Was the Third Children's data downloaded to the dummy plug?"
an autopilot allowing Gendo to override the Children's control if they were

"Yes, Sir."

"I want the data downloaded to Rei III-- after extensive mental conditioning, to
create an Eva pilot with optimal combat skills." 'If Rei matches his lethal
efficiency-- without his rebellious attitude, I will have no need to appease the
Third Children.'

Maya paused. "Are you certain, Sir?"

The bearded man's grip tightened, making the receiver fall off. "You will obey
my orders without fail, or die." Crack! The phone shattered again, becoming
unsalvageable; he didn't hear the brunette's final question.

Maya frowned at her phone. 'Is he unconcerned of the risk, or just ignorant?'
She sighed. 'Knowingly or not, it was his decision to take the risk-- "his
funeral," as the Americans say.' With that, Maya accessed-- tried to access
Shinji's data, only to fall asleep.



A 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' story by Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com),
2009-2010. Characters created and owned by Gainax. Special thanks to Alain


Kaoru read 'The Rear End of Evangelion', comparing Shinji's current personality
with what it was in the TV series. 'Holy...! Must I fornicate with every man
and woman I see to get his attention?'

"Awesome!" Kensuke's exclamation drew the 5th Child's attention. "Can
Eviscerator Unit 00 be upgraded to a Stormbringer strategic bomb-- I mean
strategic mission aircraft?" he used the JSSDF designation for bombers-- adopted
to comply with the Constitution of Japan, Article 9, which renounced war as a
means of international settling disputes-- as Shinji led him out of the men's
locker room.

"I'm not an aerospace engineer; I'm not whatever you call an Eviscerator or Eva
engineer; even if I am, I can't tell you without prior approval from my
superiors," the Stormbringer pilot deadpanned.

"So ask General," Kensuke shivered when Shinji's "killer look" reminded him to
maintain operational security, even in NERV HQ, "Electric if they can mount
turboramjets on Unit 00?"

'It's now or never.' Kaoru approached the Stormbringer pilot. "Hi! You must
be Shinji Ikari, the famous Third Child!" She suppressed a shiver at Shinji's
killer look. "As the only pilot the Angels fear, you best be aware of your own
standing." The Stormbringer pilot's expression didn't change. "Don't be so
damn paranoid! Soviet, American, German, Japanese-- all nations and peoples are
united against the aliens you call 'Angels,' so no KGB agent will try to kill
you in your sleep!" she mentioned the Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti,
Soviet Committee for State Security.

"Have we met?" Shinji finally asked.

"I'm Kaoru Nagisa, the Fifth Child; pilot of Evangelion Unit 05." The girl
offered a hand.

"Oh-- what did Kenny call you?" The Stormbringer pilot snapped his fingers.

Kaoru's brow twitched. "What?"

"Lezziel: Angel of Lesbos," Kensuke explained.

The 5th Child shook with anger. "I... am not... a lesbian," she spoke through
clenched teeth.

"Then Sapphiel: Angel of Sapphic Love?" the bespectacled boy suggested. "Or are
you bi?" bisexual. "Maybe..." Kaoru drew her shinai-- a bamboo sword used in
kendo-- and slashed, arresting the tip a split-second before it could crack his
skull. "Gasp!"

The 5th Child struggled to restrain herself; she ignored the HK45 targeting her,
ready to fire if she hurt the bespectacled boy. "One... more... word... and
I'll paint the walls with your brain. Nod if you understand." She watched
Kensuke comply. "Good boy."


Ayanami Rei's clone 'sisters' swam in the nutrient-filled, aquarium-like
container-- what the staff nicknamed the 'Reiquarium'-- occasionally staring at
the brunette behind a computer console, on the other side.

The console controlled a nutrient tube where Rei spent one day per month,
uploading her memories to the MAGI supercomputers, which would download the data
to a clone "replacement" if she died. What Maya did should be impossible--
according to the TV series, Rei had a single soul, to be transferred to another,
'soulless' shell if she must be replaced-- the brunette took no unnecessary

The computer sounded an alert, drawing Maya's attention to the clone's now
opening eyes. "Subject, Ayanami Rei the Third, gained consciousness at," she
logged the date and time. Compressed air forced LCL-- a medium like amniotic
fluid, which filled an Eva cockpit to oxygenate the pilot's blood-- from the

"Report," Gendo demanded.

"Gasp!" Maya spun about, her hip knocking a cart-mounted defibrillator on its
side. "Commander!" The bearded man stared at Rei III, offering no help as Maya
struggled to erect the cart. "The MAGI report Ikari Shinji-kun's memories are
100 percent downloaded, and the clone is now self-aware."

"Including a desire for my approval and praise, which motivated the Third
Children in the TV series?" Gendo added.

'How did he get data from an alternate universe?' "Yes, Sir." Seeing Rei III
slumped against the Plexiglas, Maya said, "Excuse me," and unsealed the tube,
catching the clone to spare her a painful fall. "Rei?" The brunette received
no response. "Can you...?"

"Ahhhh!" The clone had a seizure. "Too much information! Too much
information!" The screaming forced Maya to cover her ears and close her eyes,
unable to appreciate having a cute female albino bounce on her lap.

"Rei!" Gendo grabbed the shoulders of Rei III, and struggling to restrain her.
"Calm...!" The clone reached under the bearded man's coat, drew his pistol, and
shot herself.

"Kyaaaa!" Maya cried as blood and cerebrospinal fluid soaked her lab coat.

Gendo frowned at the brain tissue and bone fragments staining his clothes.
"Damn. I just expended my uniform maintenance allowance," he deadpanned, as if
a pilot's death was no more traumatic than spending money to dry-clean his
uniform. "Activate Rei IV," he said without looking at the brunette, and then
exited the room.

Maya looked down at a dead Rei III-- and a blood-soaked note unfurling from the
braincase, its first line reading, "Rei: I gave her a piece of my mind."

The brunette frowned at the second line. "Do I have to say it? I'm not an
American-- I don't even know what 'giving her a piece of my mind' means!"

The author's reply was another blood-soaked note unfurling from the clone's
skull. "Yes. To 'give someone a piece of your mind,' is to angrily voice your
disapproval of something he or she did. Example: 'I'm sick of my boss
belittling me in front of others. One more word and I'll give him a piece of my

Maya sighed. "Literally." 'That sounds stupid.'


A sleeping Rei shivered, gripped by dark dreams colder than ice. 'Why am I
here?' she asked herself. 'Why am I still alive? For what purpose? For which
master? The Fifth Children... we could be sisters, so alike are we. Why...?'

'I'm here to drink tea and kick ass, and I'm all out of milk tea,' the
blue-haired albino answered herself. 'Stop wasting my time on existential
bullshit, or you will commit suicide by my hands.'

Rei awoke with a start. "What...? Who was that?"


Whee! Kozo entered the kitchen to see Rei, a trench coat shielding her from the
morning chill, boiling water.

"Good morning, Mister Fuyutsuki." The blue-haired albino poured the water into
a teapot. "Tea?" She smiled.

The older man paused. 'Mister?' "Thank you, Rei-kun." He bowed and then took
the second cup, but paused again when he saw the contents. 'Red tea? With
milk?!' Kozo knew the girl preferred green tea, like most Japanese; suspecting
drugs or poison, the older man watched Rei drain her cup, before he drank from
his own. "Have you made a decision?"

"Not yet." Another smile. "I must gather more information before I decide."

"Ah." 'Is she padding her breasts? No, she...' "I see you wearing armor under
your blouse; it seems you already made a decision."

Rei laughed, an expression so out-of-character, the man almost shivered; then
she drew a Heckler & Koch UMP45 submachine gun (SMG) from under her coat, giving
Kozo reasons to fear her. "No," she smiled as the man's eyes crossed to focus
on the weapon targeting his head, "but if you really want to die," her right
index finger caressed the trigger guard, as it would her lover's face, "I'll
happily grant your request."

The door opened. "Good--" a second Rei's eyes widened to see her Doppelgänger's
left hand holding an HK45 Tactical. "Gasp!" She dashed out the kitchen,
through the dining room, to reach the cello case in the living room. Bang,
bang! The first bullet burst the lock, opening the cello case; the second
shattered her antitank rifle's trigger, rendering the weapon useless.

Kozo saw Rei's Doppelgänger now held two guns; laser sights let her
simultaneously and accurately aim both weapons, an otherwise impossible feat.
'She's a self-insert?!'

When she had the second Rei's attention, the Doppelgänger smiled. "Relax; I'm
not going to kill you... yet. If you're convincing, I'll even disregard Mister
Ikari's orders to kill you."

A confused Rei frowned. "As the active clone, I am the vessel for our shared
soul. Whose...?" She squinted when a laser sight swept over her eyes.

"One more word and I'll put a bullet in your head," the Doppelgänger said with a
saccharine smile, raising questions about her sanity.

"I'm afraid there is little I can offer to convince you to spare me," Kozo
admitted. "My salary is higher than average-- this universe has relatively few
people with detailed knowledge of Japanese culture-- but in units unrecognizable
to someone from the world of 'Neon Genesis Evangelion'."

"I know-- I did my homework first," the Doppelgänger used American slang,
"unlike Mister Child Abuse and Neglect-- but something relatively cheap here,
can be worth a king's ransom there... a cure for cancer? Computer chips a
generation beyond those of 2015 CE?" Common Era, the TV series' setting.

The teacher shrugged. "Well, you seem more reasonable than Ikari Gendo-kun,

The Doppelgänger holstered her pistol; the SMG disappeared behind her coat.
"Call me Lingbo Ling," the Mandarin pronunciation of Rei's name.


To be continued.