FLCL Fan Fiction / Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ n00b Genesis Evangelion ❯ n00b Good Riddance Evangelion ( Chapter 13 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
"Prime Minister Tsurumaki issued a formal apology for the JSSDF mission to NERV
Headquarters, and promised to pay reparations to the families of US and Soviet
military servicemen who became casualties during the mission," the reporter
stated, avoiding the word "attack" like a Japanese politician trying to absolve
his government of responsibility. "Despite this, self-proclaimed 'pacifist
groups' held protests outside the Japanese embassies in..."

Gendo filed the details in the back of his mind, simultaneously watching the
news and searching online, plotting to best exploit the political turmoil to his
benefit. 'The Northboro Baptist Church can be used as a distraction. If they
are further radicalized, they may be useful as assassins-- or as scapegoats, if
I must remove an obstacle.' His fingers danced on the keyboard, contacting his
agents in...

Boom! Gravity reached through a hole in the office floor, pulled down the
bearded man, and stunned him on impact with the floor below; Gendo's glazed eyes
caught cement blocks and steel girders surrounding his surprisingly intact
chair, like worshippers around an idol. "What's that smell?" echoed in his head
as the world spun around him; then he recognized the bitter scent. 'Plastic
explosives!' Gendo jumped to his feet, a semiautomatic pistol in hand, only to
drop the weapon when his groin exploded. "Ahhhh!" Lying on the floor, blood
leaking between the fingers covering his devastated genitals, the bearded man
reached for the pistol with a shaking hand.

Cowboy boots-- handmade to fit on webbed feet-- kicked the pistol out of Gendo's
reach. The bearded man looked up, questioning his sanity upon his last sight--
Pen-Pen dressed like Wyatt Earp, a gunblade in the penguin's right flipper, a
sign reading "GOOD MORNING, CMDR GONADS-EXPLODING-NOISY-DEATH-ONSCREEN" in his
left. The sign rotated to show the words "AND GOOD RIDDANCE", before Pen-Pen
thrust the blade through Gendo's heart, fired a .44 Magnum cartridge so its
recoil would free the blade, and spun around. The blade parted bone and sinew,
like Moses parting the Red Sea, to launch Gendo's head from his shoulders.

The penguin fired a third shot, making the head explode. He cleaned the blade,
sheathed it, and gathered Gendo's personal effects-- keys, sidearm, wallet,
wristwatch and jewelry-- in a trash bag.

'Lend me a hand,' Pen-Pen sarcastically asked as he put on the dead man's
gloves. He unsealed a flask to reveal white pellets, which he sprinkled onto
Gendo's hands; then he poured water onto the potassium hydroxide pellets,
forming an alkaline solution that burned off the dead man's fingerprints and
palms. With that, the penguin picked up his mobile phone, typing the words
"MISSION ALPHA COMPLETE" on his way to incinerate Gendo's personal effects.

Pen-Pen's accomplice sent the text message "MISSION BRAVO COMPLETE" after
removing the body and cleaning up the blood. "CHARLIE" was the hacker who
replaced Gendo's fingerprints and dental records, with another person's.
"DELTA" was the construction crew that patched the hole in the floor, and
removed the debris, under the guise of sweeping the NERV Commander's office for
bugs.

The body was never found.

***

N00B GENESIS EVANGELION, Part 10

***

Misato-- promoted to lieutenant colonel, and named NERV Commander-- sighed as
she prepared to address her coworkers-turned-subordinates. Matsushiro, NERV's
Japanese branch, was less accommodating than the Geofront-- Maya described the
base as a "museum display" and "relic of the last century,"-- but NERV HQ
remained "hot" with radioactive fallout, thanks to Shinji's efforts.

'At least Shinji-kun didn't use me as a bullet sponge,' the tactician's fate in
'The End of Evangelion'. "As you maybe aware, the UN is dissolving NERV and
transferring its assets to a new agency: the Security Council Advocate for
Resolution Enforcement."

"SCARE?" Maya wondered.

Misato shrugged. "At least the acronym uses words that make sense together."

"But if you include the letters 'UN', you get 'UNSCARE'. Is that a word?" the
brunette continued.

"And the JSSDF? Is there any guarantee SEELE won't use it, or another nation's
military service, to cut our throats?" Makoto-- who Misato promoted to captain,
and named NERV subcommander-- reminded them of the recent attack.

"There is: each member of the Security Council will station an infantry
battalion here. 'An attack against one of them shall be considered an attack
against them all,' in the politicians' words," the tactician answered.

"Like NATO or the Warsaw Pact?" Hyuga referred to military alliances under the
US and the Soviet Union's respective leadership.

"Yes."

The brunette shivered as she continued, "Does that mean attacking a NERV
facility might start a nuclear war?"

"After Mister Megaton used four nuclear weapons against the mass production
Evangelions-- and Lilith-- I doubt it'll be our concern." 'We'll die long
before it becomes a concern,' Misato didn't say-- didn't need to say, because
Maya and Makoto shared her thoughts.

"Actually, Pilot Ikari used a MOAB on Lilith, not a fourth WMD," Makoto
corrected. "Good thing the Second Angel didn't deploy an AT field."

"Thank God for small favors."

"By the way, what does the 'chain of command' look like?" Hyuga asked. 'God,
Allah, or whoever guides our fate, don't let my duties come between Misato-san
and I. Give me a chance to win her heart.'

"It's marginally more organized than the Security Council itself. I command the
organization and any Eva-- Eviscerator, Stormbringer, Flying Dildo, or whatever
the Soviets and Chinese call their fighting machines-- stationed here. But,"
the tactician emphasized the word, "the US, Soviet, and Chinese governments can
override my authority, and recall their Evangelions at any time, for any
reason-- except to attack another Security Council member."

"And the battalions stationed here?"

"I have the same authority over them, subject to the same conditions," Misato
answered. 'Good riddance. I could barely handle "Mister Megaton" Ikari; I do
not want responsibility for another trigger-happy lunatic.'

"Does the UN-- do the Security Council members still trust Japan to host NERV
Headquarters and the Evangelions? Or will Japan become a puppet state, as it
was after World War II?" Makoto continued.

"Don't be silly! The Security Council put Katsuragi-san and you-- two Japanese
citizens-- in command." Maya declared.

"I didn't get the job because the Security Council trusted me. If the
politicians are honest, they'll admit they want to-- what's the term, 'Keep
their friends close, and their enemies closer,'-- meaning this place is a prison
to us," Misato stated.

"Does that mean there will be no Japanese pilots for the Evangelions stationed
here?" Makoto wondered.

"We get to keep Kensuke-kun, and whoever's stupid or suicidal enough to accept
the position of reserve pilot. As trigger-happy, nuke-happy lunatics, the
Americans, Soviets, and Chinese will have more than enough to 'put us in our
place' if we act suspiciously." Like military officers of the nations she
mentioned, Misato dismissed the European Union's Eva pilots as pacifists--
"pussies" to Americans like Shinji.

"Pilot Ikari is running away?"

"I doubt it." The brunette met a skeptical Hyuga's eyes. "Ikari-kun wants be a
US Army Special Forces operator when he grows up. He just doesn't want to
pilot, I quote, 'A funerary urn full of jet fuel, so I'll be cremated alive when
the enemy hits that bull's eye-- with a tactical nuclear weapons.'"

Makoto began, "Then the American pilot..."

Ling-- wearing a US Air Force uniform, her shoulder patch framing the B-3
Stormbringer's silhouette with the words "AND YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME IS THE" and
"WHEN I LAY MY VENGEANCE UPON YOU"-- moonwalked into the Command Center.

"And the whole world has to answer right now! Just to tell you once again--
who's bad?" the 13th Child sang, before spinning about to salute Misato.
"Brevet Second Lieutenant Lingbo Ling, reporting as ordered."

"Oh hell," Misato and Hyuga simultaneously cursed, knowing the 13th Child was as
trigger-happy as the pilot she replaced.

Maya said, "At least she's on our side," with optimism she didn't feel; her
unspoken, 'I hope,' was a thought the others shared.

***

N00B GOOD RIDDANCE EVANGELION

A 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' story by Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com),
2010-2011. Characters created and owned by Gainax. Gundamn inspired by Sotsu,
Sunrise, and MBS's creation. Lyrics by Michael Jackson. Gunblade based on
Nomura Tetsuya's design for Square Enix. Special thanks to Alain Gravel.

***

Kaoru held Shinji's hand as the former
Evangelion-turned-Eviscerator-turned-Stormbringer pilot marched through a
shopping mall in Fayetteville, North Carolina. "I'll never leave your side,"
the gray-haired albino swore.

"We're a bit young to exchange vows," Shinji noted. "Besides, your parents--"

"I have one foster parent: Keel Lorenz, Herr 'Loony who thinks the human race
should be exterminated or go extinct, to save the planet Earth,' himself. He's
a dead man walking; I do not want to become 'collateral damage' when Herr
Sidewinder hunts down my foster father."

"Good point."

Boom! With that, a white robot-- the ZOMG-11X Freeman Gundamn-- crashed through
a wall.

"Not again," Kaoru cried as debris hammered her AT field, interrupting the
former Eva pilots' reverie.

The Gundamn's loudspeakers amplified its pilot's "Mitsuo K. Fukuda! Strikes a
blow! Against tyrants, war profiteers, and America-- I mean aggressors!" to
painful levels. The robot held an energy sword, a laser rifle, and a rocket
launcher in each shaking hand.

Shinji frowned at the weapons in the Gundamn's overburdened hands. "How can the
pilot expect to use his weapons with any accuracy?"

"I think we have more important things to worry about, than to help the Gundamn
pilot improve his marksmanship," the gray-haired albino deadpanned.

Mitsuo continued to rant against the author. "Where is the war criminal,
Sidewinder?! Show yourself, you coward!" The Gundamn pilot fired a warning
shot, collapsing part of the ceiling. "Ite!" he cried as the robot was buried
under the rubble.

Kaoru erected an AT field, shielding the former Eva pilots from harm. "Herr
Sidewinder lives in California, ja?"

"He was stationed at Fort Bragg, North Carolina-- right in the neighborhood--
when he was in the Army," Shinji explained. "The Gundamn pilot's intel is
seriously outdated."

The Gundamn struggled to free itself. "Fine! Then I'll destroy your hiding
place! In the name of freedom, peace, and Japan-- I mean justice!" The robot
struggled to free its arms.

"Herr Sidewinder is needlessly cruel towards the parody of a parody. How can
the Gundamn pilot-- by extension, the studio-- be stupid enough to wage a war of
aggression, in the name of peace?" the albino wondered.

"Have you seen 'Gundamn SEEDY'-- Mister Fukuda's work?"

"No."

"Mister Sidewinder has. Trust me when I say Fukuda-- by extension, the studio--
is stupid enough."

"Very well." With that...

*

Golden light enveloped Kaoru. "What...?" The light dimmed, letting her see the
metal walls of a bridge she now stood on. "What the hell was that?!"

"A transporter beam," Shinji answered, catching the silhouette on the master
systems display (MSD). "We're aboard a starship."

"Affirmative." The speaker, wearing an armored spacesuit, resembled a crocodile
standing on her tail, her jaws around a human head. "Welcome aboard the GGV
Western Han. I am Vice Admiral Aurelia Liu."

"GGV?" the albino wondered.

"Gonghe Government Vessel."

"Gung-Ho," Kaoru mispronounced the Chinese word. "The author's self-insert
republic?"

"Affirmative." The admiral opened a Bible to Deuteronomy 17:2, and began
reading, "If a man or a woman living among you, in one of the towns which the
Lord gives you, is found to be doing evil in the eyes of the Lord your God, in
violation of His covenant..." At those words, the Gundamn appeared on the
viewscreen.

"And this has been brought to your attention, then you must investigate it
thoroughly. If it is true, and it has been proven that this detestable thing
has been done..." Crosshairs were projected over the robot, as Aurelia
continued reading.

"Take that man or woman who has done evil, to your city gate, and stone that
person to death." The starship's gun turrets traversed, locked onto the robot,
and hammered the Gundamn with phaser beams.

"On the testimony of two or three witnesses, a man shall be put to death, but no
one shall be put to death on the testimony of only one witness.

"The hands of the witnesses shall be the first in putting him to death, and then
the hands of all the people. You must purge the evil from among you," the
starship captain finished. The phaser cannons ceased firing, once the Gundamn
and its pilot were atomized.

"How cruel," Kaoru commented.

"He got off lightly," Shinji added. "In 'Gung-Ho Gun Hos', an internet troll
named 'Stark' was caught in an air strike, forcing him to take shelter in a pit
latrine. A stray shot castrated him, tore holes in his intestines, and left him
incontinent; after starving for days, Stark ate his own cock and balls, before
he finally died."

The albino sighed. "I get the point."

***

"Are you insane?"

Keel frowned at the American representative to SEELE. "You dare...?"

"Operation Revelations consumed our entire budget, and more. I had to declare
bankruptcy-- we all declared bankruptcy. How are we supposed to achieve
Instrumentality, when we can barely keep the bank from foreclosing our homes?"

"When we achieve Instrumentality, money will cease to be a concern."

"If we achieve Instrumentality-- the author clearly indicated he is opposed to
that plan, with weapons of mass destruction! How can we fight an American gun
nut?"

"You're American," Keel countered.

"I'm an American liberal. My political slogans are 'Ban all guns!' 'Nuclear
disarmament now!' and 'Down with capitalism!' What kind of partners did you
expect to find for the Human Instrumentality Project?"

"Partners with more backbone than you."

The American representative sighed. "If you were trying to bait me, you
failed-- and whatever punishment you can deliver, pales in comparison to what
the author can and will do. Now, if you'll excuse me," he put a shot glass and
a whiskey bottle on his desk, "I need to drown my sorrows." The man logged off,
before the SEELE leader could reply.

"Damn you, Sidewinder! Damn you to helllll!" Keel began hammering the
keyboard, venting his anger onto his computer. He didn't stop until mechanical
noises became too loud to ignore-- by now, the keyboard was broken in two,
littering the floor with dislocated keys-- drawing the SEELE leader's attention
to the window.

"Shutters, open." At Keel's command, the window shutters parted to show a Jeep
DJ-5A and two Grumman LLVs-- mail trucks-- approach his office. "What the
hell...?"

Laser cannons extended from the jeep's roof; one of the walls surrounding Keel's
mansion, was quickly reduced to a rubble pile. The mail trucks used the pile as
a ramp, launched off the ground, and transformed in midair-- the Jeep into a
she-wolf with two shoulder-mounted lasers, the LLVs into robot bears with
shoulder-mounted grenade launchers-- and crashed through the window.

The jeep-turned-wolf drew a blazing red sword. "First-Class Mail comes for Keel
Lorenz's head!" the female robot shouted, as the bears drew power axes.

Keel was no coward; upon seeing the killer robots, he drew a Walther PPK
semiautomatic pistol, and shot at the she-wolf named "First-Class Mail," only
for the robot to parry the incoming bullet.

"Never shoot a berserker, unless you bring enough gun," First-Class mail
taunted, parrying bullets until the SEELE leader emptied the magazine. Then the
she-wolf severed the legs, each bear severed an arm, and the berserkers fell
upon a dismembered Keel.

"Target One eliminated," a bear reported as he stood over Keel's disemboweled,
decapitated body.

"Onwards to Target Two." With that, the berserkers stealthily left, in contrast
to their loud entrance.

*

Kensuke lay on his back. "No fair," he breathed.

"What's no fair?" Toji asked as the boys lay on the roof, watching the clouds
floating overhead.

"Shinji got to setoff five nuclear weapons! Five! After all I endured to
become an Eva pilot-- I literally paid a leg for this privilege-- I've yet to
setoff a single WMD!" The bespectacled boy was near tears.

"Count your Goddamn blessings. At least you didn't have monsters and giant
robots popping out of your head."

"I'd rather have giant robots pop out of my head, than to die with the regret--"

"That you never got to setoff a nuke? Kensuke, people die in wars! Even
Shinji-- an American gun nut-- knows that! Get your head out of the clouds, and
smell the Goddamn napalm!"

Kensuke sighed again. "I wish I was born in..." A shadow fell over him. "What
the...?" Then a shapely butt landed on his face. "Oomph!"

"What the...?" Then a skydiver landed on Toji's lap, interrupting the sports
jock. "Oomph!" Toji struggled free of the entangling parachutes, to see a
redhead sitting on his lap, and a brunette straddling Kensuke's face. "Who the
hell...?"

"Hi," the brunette greeted as she turned to face Kensuke. "I like the way you
smell." She leaned over to sniff the bandages on the bespectacled boy's head.

The redhead cried, "Sexual harassment! Sexual harassment!" as she strangled the
jock.

"Smell?" Kensuke felt like a mouse under a cat's paw. "You like the smell of
the blood, antiseptics, and prescription painkillers?"

"You smell like LCL." The brunette's face was red, as if sexually aroused. "I
like the smell of LCL."

"Are you?!" Toji finish the sentence, finally free of the redhead's hands.

"I'm Mari Makinami-Illustrious, pilot of Evangelion Unit 05," the brunette
answered.

"I'm Asuka Langley-Shikinami, pilot of Evangelion Unit 02! I am your doom, sex
offender!" the redhead shouted, her hands around Toji's throat.

"I thought your name was Soryu?" Kensuke wondered.

Asuka turned to the bespectacled boy. "The studio changed my name in the
'Rebuild of Evangelion' movies!" she referred to the remakes. "Stupid Anno!"

"If you're here to save the world, you're too late. The last Angel defected to
the side of humanity; any chance to initiate a Third Impact, was vaporized in a
nuclear fire; and the hero of the day, Ikari Shinji, just went back to America,"
Toji said to distract the redhead, so she wouldn't strangle him.

"What?! But Project Eva remains active!" Asuka protested.

"It's now developing weapons useful against human beings." The jock pointed up.
"Read the Goddamn story. Now excuse me," he rose to his feet and walked
towards the door, "I must answer the call of nature," 'I mean the rule of
nature: survive the Goddamn jungle.'

Asuka met Mari's eyes. "What do we do now?"

"Can you first get off my chest?" Kensuke asked. "I can barely breathe here."

The redhead frowned. "I knew he was gay."

"Am not!" the bespectacled boy protested. The conversation degenerated, Mari
giggling as Asuka accused the boy of homosexuality, and Kensuke denying the
same.

The argument ended with Toji cursing, "Oh shit!" followed by a roar. A burning
red ax cut a hole in the roof, as a robot bear emerged from the floor below.

"Priority Mail comes for...!" The berserker turned to Asuka and Mari. "What's
the name of the Japanese representative to SEELE?" He watched the girls shrug,
and mirrored them. "I need a meat shield," Priority Mail said, reaching for the
Fourth Child. "You'll do."

"Noooo!" Kensuke crawled away from the metal paw. "Not again!" he cried as the
bear's claws closed upon his ankle. With that, the story ended as it began: a
break in the Fourth Wall, bringing misfortune for a bespectacled man.

***

The end.

Starship inspired by Franz Joseph's design for Gene Roddenberry's 'Star Trek'.
'Transformers' created and owned by Hasbro and Takara-Tomy.

Chapter 12
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