Fushigi Yuugi Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction / Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ [MSTing] The Light Of My Hopes ❯ Chapter 4
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: Megane67 
Anime/Manga: Fushigi Yuugi Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction / Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Fantasy / Comedy | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 11.07.2005 | Pages: 17 | Words: 9.4K | Visits: 265 | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: Fushigi Yuugi Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction / Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Fantasy / Comedy | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 11.07.2005 | Pages: 17 | Words: 9.4K | Visits: 265 | Status: Completed
*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)
(The future isn't what it used to be....)
"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON FIVE)
EPISODE 41: THE LIGHT OF MY HOPES PT. 4
(A Sailor Moon/Escaflowne/Gundam Wing/Card Captor Sakura/Fushigi
Yuugi/Dragon Ball Z Crossover MSTing)
MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7, Zoogz and Lynxara
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com) (lynxara@gmail.com )
This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering
my own ass here folks....
"Light Of My Hopes" is the property of Tenshi Cat. She has given me
permission to MST her work and I greatly appriciate it. :)
* * *
(Door 6: It's a metal door with no knob. Before you can do anything, it's
yanked off its hinges from the other side by a tow truck.)
(Door 5: It's an old fashioned elevator. Both sets of doors open for you
as you pass through.)
(Door 4: It's made of dominoes. You tip the lead one over and watch as
the pile slowly lowers until it's half its original size and you step over it.)
(Door 3: It's filled with cute stuffed toys. You cuddle them for awhile
before proceeding.)
(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Ankh floats from behind you and
touches the door. The door vanishes.)
(Door 1: It's a castle gate that rises into the ceiling, revealing a
drawbridge that slowly lowers to the ground. You cross it cautiously,
looking for moat monsters.)
(Door .7: It's a swirling blue vortex. Suddenly a large hand reaches out
of its center and pulls you inside.)
Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in his arms,
Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping
over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his
own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to
him, Crow sitting on his right.
>THIS CHAPTER ID DEDICATED TO REBECCA-CHAN. THX
>FOR E-MAILING ME ;)!!!!
>THE LIGHTS OF MY HOPES: TRUTH ABOUT GALIXIA AND
>CHIBI-CHIBI
Tom: <Galaxia> I shall call her... Mini-Spore.
Joel: <Galaxia> The TRUTH, Opus, is that you more closely resemble
a puffin rather than a penguin.
>Sunlight peered through the window and hit Usagi directly in the eye,
Crow: <Usagi> EYAAAUGH!!
>making her stir slowly. Her eyes opened as she groggily sat up. She
>sighed loudly as she got up and took a shower.
>The ancient book of cosmos shone as Usagi got out of the shower
>dressed and picked it up.
Joel: Fanservice Underwhelming.
Crow: Those FCC dickweeds just don't know when to quit.
>She then reached for the doorknob and twisted it open, only to find a
>bouquet of red roses to be held in front of her.
Tom: <Usagi> Why Kunou-Sempai! You too? My, I'm getting
popular!
>She blinked and looked up to see Trunks smirking at her with the
>seductive sparkle in his eyes.
Joel: <singing> Ohhhhh, Dreeeeam Weaver... I believe we can get you
through the niiiiight....
Crow: He's drawn in the DBZ art style. How do you tell a seductive
sparkle from "I will destroy you, Kakarot?"
>She frowned and said in an angry tone, "Trunks please, get serious
>about this."
>"I know. I just want to say sorry for yesterday," Trunks apologized
>with a grin.
Tom: <Usagi> FTD isn't going to save your ass, pal.
>Usagi glared at him from underneath her bangs and whispered, "Nice
>try bastard. But I must admit I liked the flower effect." With that she
>walked out of the dinning room in the glorious hotel.
Joel: You know it's a glorious hotel when they provide shower
facilities in the dining room....
Tom: Waiter! There's a hair in my soup! And my salad! And my coffee!
>Trunks only smirked as thought, 'Damn, she's good... beautiful... and
>absolutely sexy! I'll get her.' Not noticing Shinigami was watching
>Trunks with, for some reason, fire raging inside him.
Crow: My devil said Mylanta.
>~DINNING ROOM~
Tom: Oh! The *dinning* room! That's where Gwar practices
between tours, right?
Joel: Yeah, plus their meat sandwiches are to die for.
>Usagi plumped down on her seat where Allen, Quartre and Hotohori
>looked at her frowning face worriedly.
>Quartre made the first move, "What's wrong?"
>"Trunks," came the reply through clenched teeth.
Crow: <Quatre> You had no problem making out with Shinigami
earlier, why be offended now?
Joel: <Usagi> Would YOU reject a kiss from Duo Maxwell?
Crow: <Quatre> Uh, well, w-we're not talking about me right now!
>Allen looked at the angel of purity as he understood, "I know
>Usagi-hime, but please don't let him get to you."
>Usagi then slammed the ancient book on the table and said frustrated,
>"I know but he's a bastard."
Tom: <Trunks> Hey! I protest! I'm the <singing> son of a son of a
sailor....
>This surprised the boys, except Allen for he was laughing inside.
>Then Hotohori suggested, "Let's go get some new clothes later."
>Usagi face beamed and gasped out, "Really?"
Joel: <Usagi> TAKE ME TO YOUR SHOES!!!
Crow: <Usagi> Clothes... check. Annoying little yappy dog... check.
Prime slot on Fox... check. Heh heh... Paris Hilton, beware!
>"Really. I'll cough out enough money for us all," Shinigami reassured
>as he sat down beside the over dosed with happiness Bunny.
>"Oh thank you Duo!" she squealed with delight.
Tom: <Usagi> I'll take my money for nothing and my chicks for free!
>Duo smiled for his good work since he knew that every teenaged girl
>just loved shopping.
Crow: So "good works" involve fake money for a no-strings-attached
shopping spree just to attempt to get girls in bed... maybe he really IS
Satan.
Joel: But a lot closer to caffeine-free diet Satan.
>~HEAVEN~
>"You what?" questioned God.
>Selenity stood her ground, but inside her heart broke even more as she
>replied, "I've sent Quartre, Allen, Hotohori and Trunks to protect
>MY daughter."
Tom: <Richard> What happened to her guardian angel?
Crow: <Serenity> On break.
Tom: <Richard> And the Holy Ghost?
Crow: <Serenity> On strike.
Tom: <Richard> Jesus?
Crow: <Serenity> Died for their sins.
Tom: <Richard> Heh, that was a helluva joke, huh?
>Richard's anger overflowed as Lina smoothly rubbed his back as she
>said, "Why? She's not that important."
>"Lina is right," stated Richard as tears stung Selenity's soul.
>"I dare you to say that again Richard!" she yelled to defend her
>daughter's pride.
Joel: <Richard> Uh, can I take 'truth' instead?
>God hesitated but said softly for he knew this would break his love's
>heart, "She's not important."
Crow: <Richard> And just like my appendix, she had to be removed.
>Lina smirked in triumph as she looked at Selenity.
All: Slap her! Slap her! Slap her!
>Selenity bit her lower lip and said firmly, "You will regret those words,
>Richard, and I'll make sure of that." She nodded in determination as
>she proudly walked out of the room that belonged to her ex-love.
Joel: <singing> Good girls go to heaven, but bad girls go everywhere...
Tom: <Richard> Ooh, what'cha gonna do? Get a divorce? Ha,
my church won't recognize it! I'm the god! I'M THE GOD!!!
>"Don't worry about her. She's a witch," scowled Lina as she hugged
>her husband.
Tom: <Richard> And you are...?
Joel: <Lina> I am a magic user. Not a witch. I swear.
>~NON-EXISTENCE REALM~
>"Can you believe that bitch!" screamed Jupiter as she saw Lina
>hugging their king.
Crow: Ah, so being in the non-existence realm is just like watching an
episode of Jerry Springer.
>"Yeah! Manipulating our king!" Mars spat out in disgust.
Tom: <Mars as Santa Claus> Look at that old busy-body! She'll make
God want to steal again!
>"Guys, I don't think he'll be our king for long," Mercury notified.
Joel: <Mercury> Something BIG is going down on C-SPAN, guys....
>"I agree the romance between them is swaying...badly," Venus agreed
>with a frown.
Tom: Like Paula Abdul on American Idol.
Joel: Like my science teacher at about ten in the morning.
>"I say that she should go to hell!" yelled Endymion.
>"SHUT UP!" yelled Galixia as she slapped the earthen prince.
Crow: <Endymion> Whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop!
Tom: <Mars> Nyuk nyuk nyuk!
>The other four senshis silenced for they've never heard Galixia scream
>before.
>"You ok?" Venus asked carefully to make sure that she wouldn't tick
>the golden senshi more.
>"Hai, I'm just sick and tired of people not realizing Usagi-hime's pain,"
>Galixia replied sadly.
Joel: <Rei> HER pain? She's living the high life with an idiot Satan
and four angels, getting wined, dined, roses... and we're stuck in
purgatory with Tux-boy!
>Mercury nodded and commented, "Then we'll try harder in trying to
>figure out a plan."
>The others agreed, except for the nose bleeding Endymion.
Crow: <Jupiter> Uh oh, Mercury's on the jazz again....
>~MALL~
>"Sugoi! This is so incredible!" gasped the cheerful angel of purity with
>the ancient book clutched in a tight hug.
Crow: Book of Cosmos, meet Antique Road Show!
>Trunks went into the mall and agreed with Usagi. 'God, the mall is
>huge,' he thought as the angels and Shinigami stood behind Usagi
>and observed the area just in case.
>Usagi then turned around and announced, "Let's get a move on it."
>The guys looked at her then nodded as they walked into a clothing store.
Joel: If they're in there to purchase Victoria's Secret Angel bras, I'm
gonna scream.
Tom: People were surprised to see Satan with bags from Gumballs,
Abercrombie & Fitch, and Gap.
>Usagi was the one who actually walked around observing the clothes
>as the other three wandered aimlessly, checking the perimeter as
>Quartre stayed close to Usagi.
Joel: <Trunks> I'm bored. Wanna go braid the ties?
Tom: <Duo> Sure!
>(Note: I'm not describing what clothes they're wearing. Sorry, but you
>can imagine it, right?)
Crow: Okay. I see Usagi in... white. With... red boots. And a short
skirt...
>After, like two hours of torture for the boys Usagi was satisfied with
>her new clothing as she walked out of the store, holding the book.
Joel: <Quatre> I've never seen anybody take so long to buy a pair of
socks.
Tom: <Duo> Ah, torture. I missed it so.
>"So where are we going now Usagi-hime?" Hotohori asked.
Crow: <Usagi> Cinnabon!
>Usagi froze as she said, "Please people don't call me Usagi-hime just
>call me Usagi."
>It was the angel's turn to freeze, except Trunks, as Allen explained,
>"But Usagi-hime...er..um... Usagi it's only formal."
>"But guys it's weird to people if you call me that," Usagi said, "Besides,
>we're friends right?"
>Those words stung Hotohori, 'Friends? She only thinks of us as her
>friends?' then he said, "Of course, Usagi, we're friends."
Joel: <Hotohori> Only friends... not your loyal harem or
anything... *sob*
Crow: But where's Monica and Rachel?
Tom: B-movie hell if there's any justice.
>Usagi nodded happily as they walked into a restaurant.
Crow: <Usagi> Mmmm, devil dogs.
>~NON-EXISTENCE REALM~
>"Have you guys figured it out yet?" Jupiter asked in a frustrated voice.
>"Not yet," Mercury sighed as she shook her head.
Tom: <Venus> Well, how DO you solve a problem like Maria?
Crow: <Jupiter> I vote for the ruler.
>"I got it," Galixia whispered as the other senshis turned their attention
>towards her.
Joel: <Galaxia> It was Miss White in the Library with the Candlestick!
>"Well?" Mars asked in desperation.
>Galixia nodded and explained, "I'll get Chibi-Chibi to go into the world
>and complete the ancient book."
Tom: <Venus> Can she write?
Crow: <Galaxia> Are you kidding? She did a great job with
Act III, Scene V of 'Macbeth'!
Joel: <Mercury> ....
>"But I thought she was a part of you. So shouldn't she be dead?"
>Jupiter asked.
>Galixia shook her head, "Ile, Chibi-Chibi is the star seed of light which
>decided to live in me for a while for she was weak and needed someone
>to hide her from the darkness and hatred of humans. But then Chaos
>raged into life and I was forced in setting Chibi-Chibi free from my
>body."
Joel: <Jupiter> So... you named your tapeworm?!
Crow: This gives all new meaning to "hollow her out and live in her"...
Tom: <singing> I don't know why she swallowed that fly... perhaps
she'll die?
>"I see. So you and Chibi-Chibi are two people?" Mercury asked as
>Galixia nodded.
>"Then where the hell is your star seed?" Endymion asked.
Tom: <Galaxia> Vault 713, Gringotts Bank.
Crow: <Galaxia> I could ask the same as you, O brave noble and
forthright Prince of Earth.
Joel: <Galaxia> Mine's buried in my time capsule. But we can't
dig it up for another hundred years or so.
>"Lost in the loop of space for I was a former guardian of Cosmos,
>herself. I could only stay alive because of my will in finding my friend
>and former queen," Galixia sighed.
Crow: If you listen closely, you can hear Galaxia's backstory being
flushed down the john.
>"You're an ancient senshi? One of the very original?" Venus asked.
>"Hai," came the simple answer.
Joel: She's just waiting for Aeris to join her in death and the cycle will
be complete.
>~OUTTER MANSION~
>"Minna!" shouted Hotaru as Hakura and Michiru turned to her and
>asked, "Yes?"
>"We HAVE to stay alive," the brave Firefly stated.
>"Of course, to save the world," Michiru said.
Tom: <Hotaru> Better yet... to revolutionize the world!
All: Kashira, kashira, gozonji kashira....
>"No, I mean seriously we HAVE to stay alive," Hotaru said desperately.
Crow: Is this something Hotaru jokes about a lot?
>"What are you getting at, Hotaru?" Hakura asked worriedly.
Crow: <Hotaru> I had... a vision. A vision of purgatory... with bickering
Senshi. We must avoid it... AT ALL COSTS!
>"One phrase, Cosmos is coming," she replied as the senshis of both
>wind and sea gasped in realization.
Joel: <Hotaru> We have to stop him before he has every man in the
universe wearing support garments and smelling like the beach!
>~TIME GATE~
>"All is piecing together like a puzzle," Setsuna whispered.
>"What should I do?" Selenity asked her dear friend of time.
Crow: <Setsuna> See about an annulment.
Tom: <Setsuna> Hand me that tower over there and we can finally
cap Westminster Abbey. Then we can start working on the Taj Mahal!
>"Selenity-sama, don't worry the planets won't let this fail again,"
>reassured Setsuna.
>"But the war..." Selenity whispered in horror.
>"It won't happen this time. I'm sure of it," stated Setsuna firmly.
Crow: <Setsuna> Well, not unless Tomino directs.
>"I hope so. Dear god I hope so," Selenity said as Setsuna glowed
>dark red.
Tom: <Setsuna> Self-destruct sequence activated.
Joel: <Serenity> W-Whoa! Don't go pulling a Big Cheese on me now?!
>"Almost time," she told her queen.
>"The planets will line up and eventually choose. And choose they will
>for it's time when they get their queen back," Selenity repeated the last
>line of a certain book.
Crow: Of course, the planets had to send a pawn to the back row.
Tom: Ladies and cosmic deities! Welcome to the 2004 Planet's Choice
Awards!!
>~NON-EXSISTENCE REALM~
>"Ok. We got that settled. Another question, how can Chibi-Chibi finish
>the book?" Mars asked.
Joel: Holy Ghost writer.
>"Cause Chibi-Chibi is one of the guardians who protected Sailor
>Cosmos too. Since we are separate she's the one actually alive for she
>was damaged in the Great War and needed me. I agreed for I am her
>friend," Galixia announced.
>The other senshis nodded understandingly.
Tom: While the MSTers shook their heads bewilderedly.
Crow: If it helps any, my head is in my hands...
Joel: Well, with THIS much build up, it's gotta have a huge payoff, right?
>END OF CHAPTER FOUR!
Joel: <sighs> No, I guess that was too much to hope for....
Tom: About &$%@#* time.
Crow: The author Just Didn't Care.
>I KNOW SHORTER THAN THE OTHER ONES, BUT I WANTED
>TO GIVE YOU A CLIFFFY.
Crow: Pity it wasn't a Normy. Considering what they've been through,
every senshi in this fic deserves a beer or three....
>PLEASE R/R!
>TENSHI CAT
Tom: <singing> There's one more feline in heaven....
Joel: <shaking his head> Wow... I mean... wow. What else can I say?
Such a goofy story....
Crow: You ain't kidding, bub. Here we have Sailor Moon, who is really
just Usagi for the whole danged fic. A truck does the work that Beryl,
Metallia, Ann and Ail, and numerous others couldn't...
Tom: She goes to some sort of Heaven, featuring Richard da God and
his many "happy" wives... and after a run-in with the most demonic angel
this side of Shamshiel, she's sent to Hell... featuring Duo da Devil and his
happy harpies....
Joel: Yeah, then she somehow tricks Satan... err, Duo to give her second
life without a messy soul transaction or anything... goes through a ton of
weird exposition based on some council of stars with their seeds...while
Shamshiel starts slaughtering Children... err, I mean Senshi...
Tom: We find that the rest of the Inner Senshi are condemned to purgatory
with the wuss that started the ball rolling in the first place while the Outer
Senshi... <starts singing> ...still haven't found... what they're looking for...
Crow: Then it suddenly turns into 'Elimidate' with Usagi being fussed,
fawned and fought over while she shops for socks... and God... err, Richard
acts more and more like Louis XIV until we get a "cliffy" consisting of one
lone pugatory-ed Sailor sending her tapeworm forth to do celestial battle!
Joel: You know, guys... I think 'Spawn' had much more continuity
and was much more believable overall.
Tom: Heh, I'll take your word for it, Joel.
Crow: I still liked it better than 'Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey' myself....
(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater)
* * *
THE HOLOCABANA
"Ladies and Gentlemen... it is now time... for the RICHARD
RUMBLE!!!" The voice of Howard Finkle boomed over the
loudspeakers as nineteen thousand fans in Madison Square Garden
roared their approval.
"In just a few moments, the individuals who drew number one and
number two will begin the Richard Rumble, and every thirty seconds
thereafter, a new individual will join the rumble. Remember, it is EVERY
RICHARD FOR HIMSELF. The only way for an individual to be
eliminated is by being thrown over the top rope to the arena floor. The
one Richard remaining after all thirty participants have entered the ring
will become... the UNDISPUTED RICHARD OF THE WORLD!!!"
The crowd roared again as The Fink continued. "And now, introducing
the individual who drew number one...."
"Buckle down with Nixon, buckle down...." The crowd immediately
lapsed into booing as Richard Nixon emerged into the arena to his theme
song, flanked on both sides by secret servicemen. When he reached the
ring, he quickly climbed a turnbuckle from the outside and flashed V-signs
to the crowd which only infuriated them more.
"And now, here is the individual who drew number two..."
"Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks?"
The funky vocals of Issac Hayes flooded the arena.
"SHAFT!" The crowd roared back and cheered as Richard 'Shaft'
Roundtree strode towards the ring. As he stepped between the ropes to
enter, Nixon ordered his servicemen to attack while backing up into the
nearest corner.
"Nixon ordering a pearl harbor job on Roundtree! He's in trouble... no,
wait! There's one... two... wow, what a shot! Roundtree just threw the
whole bunch over the top rope single-handed!" A large man with blue
glasses exclaimed from ringside.
"A-ha, but it only counts if *NIXON* is eliminated, Monsoon!"
Another man sitting beside him retorted smugly. He was clad in a tiger
striped leather jacket with a white poofy shirt unbuttoned halfway
underneath and leopard print tights. A do-rag covered his bald head
while a hot pink feather boa adorned his neck.
"Well... I don't think we have too long to wait on that count, Jess.
Hello everybody, I'm Gorilla Monsoon with Jessie 'The Body' Ventura
and boy are we happy to be covering this event for you.
"Speaking of which, I think Nixon's about to have a nasty accident,
and I don't mean in his pants!" Jessie pointed out as Roundtree hoisted
the ex-president off his feet.
"Nixon should've listened to his theme song and buckled up first."
Monsoon joked.
"Oh, real cute, Monsoon. We've got another entrant coming! 3... 2...
1... who is it!?" Jessie shouted as the buzzer went off.
The theme to Home Improvement played over the loudspeakers as
Richard Karn walked to the ring, smiling and waving to the fans. "Think
he's got what it takes to last till the end, Jessie?" Gorilla mused.
"I don't think so, Tim." Jessie joked as Karn continued to smile
and wave at the fans outside the ring while Roundtree tossed a beaten
and bloody Nixon over the top rope to the floor with his crippled
servicemen. Then he noticed Karn on the floor and grabbed him by
the hair, yanking him up to the apron.
"This ain't gonna be pretty... we got another entry coming though..."
Jessie remarked as the buzzer went off. The theme to Hogan's Heroes
came over the loudspeakers. "Hey, Gorilla!" Jessie exclaimed excitedly.
"Is that who I think it is?"
"Holy mackerel, it's Richard Dawson!" Gorilla exclaimed as Dawson
sprinted towards the ring. At the same time, Karn broke free of
Roundtree's grip and rushed towards Dawson.
"This place is going bananas!" Gorilla exclaimed as Karn and Dawson
tore into one another with unbridled fury. Roundtree could only blink in
surprise as both Family Feud hosts exchanged punches while rolling
around on the mat.
"Kiss your career good-bye, punk!" Dawson growled as he laid in
another shot.
"I am rubber, you are... uhhhh!" Karn trailed off as another punch
knocked him cold. As Dawson struggled to lift Karn out of the ring,
Roundtree walked over to them and simply shoved them both out.
"See, Shaft's being smart. Let the other two guys wear themselves
out and then jump 'em from behind." Jessie remarked.
Gorilla nodded. "No question... but the next entry is coming in 3...
2... 1..."
The crowd came alive as Richard Pryor walked down the aisle, waving
to the fans. Upon entering the ring, he placed his hands on his hips and
looked dismayed before signaling someone at ringside to hand him a
microphone.
"My first rumble... and they expect me to fight a dude? What the
f*ck's up with that!?" Pryor ranted as the crowd cheered. "Tell someone
in the back to get some white-ass honky out here first! Cause, there ain't
no way I'm beatin' on a brotha. 'Specially when he can beat me better!"
"You damn right." Roundtree agreed as Pryor grabbed the ropes and
leapfrogged over the top, eliminating himself. He then walked over to the
commentator's table and took a seat next to Jessie. "Mind if I watch the
rest of the Rumble from here?"
"Well, uh, we're in the middle of a...." Gorilla began.
"Sure, the more, the merrier!" Jessie interrupted as he handed a spare
headset to the comic. As Pryor adjusted the mike, Gorilla suddenly
chimed in. "We've got another entry coming in two... one...."
'Rule Britannia' played over the loudspeakers as Richard the
Lionhearted made his way down the aisle in a suit of armor. As he slid
into the ring under the bottom rope, Roundtree made his move and
kicked the knight's helmet clean off his head before beating him into
unconsciousness with it.
"Yeah! That cracker's immobile! WHUP HIS ASS, SHAFT!" Pryor
cheered.
"The King of England just got crowned by Roundtree. And he's out!"
Gorilla exclaimed as Roundtree dumped the prone Lionhearted over the
ropes.
"Helluva coronation, wasn't it?" Jessie quipped as the buzzer sounded
again. "Who's up next, Gorilla?"
"Well Jess, I've just been informed that entries seven through twenty
have dropped out of the rumble. Apparently they banked on Richard
Karn taking care of Shaft...." Gorilla informed him.
"That's cause they KNOW what a bad mofo he is. Probably even
screwed their girlfriends prior to the Rumble!" Pryor crowed.
Gorilla winced. "Well, be that as it may, we're picking up with the
next entry...."
"Yeah, let's get a cracker out here with some balls!" Pryor shouted
as the crowd roared in agreement.
As the buzzer sounded, The melody of a low key guitar mixed in
with an occasional blasting of trumpets played over the loudspeakers.
Roundtree immediately tensed up as a rather large man slowly walked
towards the ring, dressed in a loincloth and carrying a club. His mouth
also had an unnatural gleam as he stepped over the top rope while the
crowd erupted in dueling EEGAH/JAWS chants.
"OH SHIT! RUN, SHAFT! IT'S THE MAN!!" Pryor screamed as
he ripped off his headset and tore ass into the crowd and out of sight.
"Whoa... there's my pick to win, Monsoon." Jessie whistled as Richard
Kiel towered over Roundtree, who none the less stood his ground and
locked up with him... only to be violently thrown into the corner.
"Roundtree's not gonna get very far with that approach. He needs to
use speed and quickness against that monster...." Gorilla observed as
Roundtree cautiously circled the massive giant.
"Either that or a slingshot." Jessie wisecracked.
"Certainly couldn't hurt. OH! Kiel just backhanded Roundtree right
out of the ring! You can stick a fork in him, cause he's outta here!"
Gorilla observed.
"Told ya, Monsoon." Jessie gloated just as the buzzer sounded again.
"Who we got now... oh, this should be good."
"Hey everybody! I'm Richard Simmons and I'm going to give this
rumble a hug for all my diet buddies!" Simmons shrieked as he rushed
into the ring and did some warm up stretching for the crowd. Kiel
winced and attempted to avert his eyes from Simmons's shorts, backing
up against the ropes.
"Jaws is reeling... Simmons has the big guy stunned! He's in deep
trouble... he's teetering... wait a minute, he's sliding under the bottom
rope to the outside, come on, ref! Get him back in there!" Gorilla yelled
as Kiel knelt down and reached underneath the ring for something. A
moment later, he pulled out a large wooden club, much to the delight of
the crowd.
"Give me a break! He can't bring that in!" Gorilla fumed.
"Hey, no rules in the rumble says he can't. Besides, you want to be
the one to take it away from him?" Jessie pointed out.
Gorilla winced as Kiel leveled Simmons with the club. "Nope."
As Simmons lay unconscious on the mat, the buzzer sounded again
but this time no entry came out.
"Huh? Where's the next Richard?" Gorilla asked.
"Maybe it's Sue Richards?" Jessie wisecracked.
"Will you be serious... uh-oh, looks like the crimson is flowing from
Simmons... yep, he's been busted wide open." Gorilla remarked as he
turned his attention back to the ring.
"I love it, Monsoon!" Jessie laughed as the bleeding Simmons
struggled to get to his feet using the ropes only to collapse again in a heap.
Kiel lumbered forward to finish him off when the buzzer sounded again.
"And our next entry is...." Gorilla began.
"KHAN!" Jessie exclaimed along with the crowd as Ricardo
Montalban strode towards the ring confidently. Keil attempted to nail
him with the club as he entered the ring only to have the club stopped
short by his hand.
"You may be large... but I have thrice your strength." Ricardo
whispered coldly before easily shoving a surprised Kiel into the corner
with his other hand.
"Wow, the irresistible force just moved the immovable object!"
Gorilla exclaimed. "Kiel's definitely lost the power advantage...."
"Not to mention his big-ass club." Jessie added as Kiel stumbled
out of the corner only to be hoisted up by the neck and tossed across
the length of the ring. Ricardo dropped Kiel's club with disdain as he
walked over to the shaken giant and gorilla pressed him over his head.
"Looks like the beginning of the end for Kiel... wait a minute! Is
he... he is! Kiel is biting Ricardo's hand... Khan's hand is now busted
wide open!" Gorilla exclaimed
"That's illegal, Monsoon! He has metal teeth! He shouldn't be
allowed to do that!" Jessie protested.
"All fair's in the Richard Rumble, Jessie. Uh-oh, Ricardo is hot!"
Gorilla observed as Ricardo tossed Kiel around like a rag doll, his
attacks lacking focus and purpose. Suddenly the buzzer went off
again.
"Who's coming now... it's Little Richard... or is that Johnny B.
Badd... no, it's definitely Little Richard!" Jessie proclaimed.
"Little Richard coming in at number twenty-five... and there he
goes! Wow, that was a quick elimination!" Gorilla remarked as
Ricardo tossed the legendary musician out of the ring before resuming
his beatdown of Kiel. But it wasn't long before the buzzer sounded
again.
"Someone else is coming... it's... Richard Baseheart! And he's
being accompanied by Gypsy!" Jessie exclaimed in amazement.
"Indeed, it is Gypsy! Managers normally aren't allowed at ringside
but I guess they made an exception for her...."
"Oh right! Right! Managers aren't allowed at ringside but I guess
she's allowed to slide by, huh Monsoon?
"She has no arms, Jess, what's she gonna do? Spit at the ring?"
Gorilla pointed out as Gypsy gave Baseheart a quick kiss on the cheek
before leaping into the ring and attacking Ricardo from behind. Ricardo
glared at Baseheart before locking up with him and finally giving Kiel
a breather.
"Baseheart has guts, I'll give him that... but, oh yeah, he's in trouble
now...." Jessie cheered as Ricardo held Baseheart in a full nelson, his
joints popping and bones grinding together.
"Fight it, Richard! Don't give up!" Gypsy pleaded from ringside.
Baseheart drew deep into his reserves of strength and, with help
from Gypsy leading the crowd into chanting his name, managed to
break the hold, much to Ricardo's surprise. But before Baseheart could
capitalize on his adrenaline rush, he suddenly cried out in pain and
collapsed to his knees.
"Huh? What's with Baseheart all of a sudden?" Jessie questioned.
"Maybe the full nelson had some lingering effects?" Gorilla guessed.
Ricardo was also taken aback for a moment but only for a moment
as he quickly grabbed Baseheart by the neck and threw him out of the
ring to the floor.
"Richard Baseheart, NOOOO!!!" Gypsy wailed as she went to his
side, trying to offer comfort. Meanwhile, the buzzer had sounded again
and Richard Gere was making his way towards the ring, only to stop
when he noticed the sobbing Gypsy. "Hey, is everything okay?"
"No, Richard Baseheart is hurt!" Gypsy cried.
"Let me see... hmm...." Gere mused as he knelt down beside
Baseheart to examine him.
"Hey, this is a rumble, Gere! Practice your selfless Buddhism
somewhere else!" Jessie griped.
"He'd better be careful or he's going to be eliminated for not stepping
in the ring!" Gorilla warned.
"Speaking of which, Ricardo better eliminate Kiel soon, he's using up
all his energy on him!" Jessie exclaimed as Ricardo tried to shove Kiel
over the top rope with Kiel using every last ounce of his strength to
hang on. Meanwhile, Richard Gere finished his diagnosis of Richard
Baseheart.
"Hmm, he seems to have suffered severe trauma to the head...." Gere
concluded.
"But nobody hit him, I was watching and... hey, wait a minute...."
Gypsy frowned as her eye turned red and she stared long and hard at the
ring to discover....
"YOU!!" Gypsy screamed abruptly as she shot forward into the ring
and wrapped herself tightly into a coil shape. A female scream shortly
followed as Sue Richards suddenly appeared inside the coil to the shock
of everyone in the ring.
"Holy smokes! It's Invisible Girl! She WAS in the rumble!" Gorilla
exclaimed.
"Hit my man from behind!? You're going DOWN, sister!" Gypsy
screamed as she dragged Sue Richards to the ropes and flipped her over
the top to the floor. The crowd went wild as the two women continued
to struggle while Richard Gere feebly attempted to break it up to no
avail.
"Now try and tell me that was in any way legal, Monsoon! She wasn't
even in the rumble! Tell me this wasn't a travesty of justice!?" Jessie
raged.
"Sue Richards eliminated by Gypsy... Richard Baseheart eliminated
by Sue Richards... controversy abounds here at the Richard Rumble!"
Gorilla exclaimed.
"Answer me, was it a travesty or not?" Jessie insisted.
"No question, Jess. But now here's our next participant, only three
more to go...."
The buzzer sounded as Richard Vranch ran down to the ring. "Hey,
it's that guy from the British version of 'Who's Line Is It Anyway?'!
Gee, he's pretty close to the end, think he'll take it all?" Jessie inquired.
"Highly unlikely." Gorilla replied as Vranch tried to suck up to
Ricardo by assisting him in his attempted elimination of Richard Kiel.
"The gas tank has to be rapidly approaching empty for Kiel... those
collateral-lateral ligaments have got to be hurting... not to mention his
external occipital protuberance...."
"What the HELL are you blathering on about, Gorilla?!?" Jessie
exploded.
Gorilla sighed. "Forget it. Here comes our next entry!"
As the first few notes of 'Also sprach Zarathustra' came over the
loudspeaker, the crowd went absolutely crazy. "The crowd has
literally exploded here in New York! It's pandemonium!" Gorilla
screamed to be heard over the din.
"Yep, looks like Richard Strauss is going to take it all." Jessie joked.
"Will you stop!? It's only the most famous Richard in all of wrestling!
It's the Nature Boy! It's... Ric Flair!" Gorilla proclaimed as Flair emerged
from the dressing room in his traditional black feathered robe.
"WOO!!!" Flair proclaimed as he strutted his way down to ringside
and soaked in the cheers of his adoring fans before entering the ring.
Five seconds later, Ricardo tossed him over the ropes and down the aisle,
eliminating him.
"Flair is... eliminated? Wow... didn't see that one coming." Gorilla
exclaimed in amazement.
"Me neither. Hope we don't get flamed for it." Jessie remarked.
"You say something?" Gorilla frowned.
"Yeah, Richard Vranch just got eliminated!" Jessie exclaimed as
Vranch lay sprawled on the floor from Kiel tossing him out over his
shoulder. Ricardo rained blow after blow on him to no effect as Kiel
got to his feet, shaking and puffing his cheeks in and out like a fish.
"He's hulking up!" Gorilla exclaimed.
"Well, DUH." Jessie shot back.
Exhausted and demoralized, Ricardo made a grab for Kiel's
abandoned club on the mat only to be stopped cold by Kiel's hand
around his throat. One massive chokeslam later, Ricardo was down
and ripe for the picking.
"EEGAH! EEGAH! EEGAH!" The crowd chanted as Kiel lifted
the stunned Ricardo off his feet and dumped him over the top rope,
eliminating him. Just then the buzzer sounded for the last time.
"And here's our last entry... WOAH! It's Richard Moll!" Jessie
exclaimed in amazement as a large bald man in a bailiff uniform rushed
towards the ring. The fickle crowd began chanting 'BULL! BULL!
BULL!' much to Kiel's dismay.
"The pendulum has swung again in this one!" Gorilla exclaimed
as Moll attacked the exhausted Kiel and struggled to push him against
the ropes.
"Definitely, Gorilla! Kiel's been in there a long time now and Moll
is as fresh as a daisy!" Jessie exclaimed.
"Kiel's gotta be completely spent... but look at him, he's still fighting!"
Gorilla shouted to be heard over the noise of the crowd as they rallied
their support for Kiel while Moll slowly but surely forced Kiel against
the ropes and off his feet.
"I don't think he's got another Hulk-up in him... Oh, he's biting!
He's biting!" Gorilla screaming as Kiel clamped down on Moll's ear
with his metal teeth.
"Who'da he think he is, Mike Tyson!? What a cheap way to escape
elimination!" Jessie scoffed as Moll released Kiel and held his bleeding
ear in pain while Kiel stalked towards him.
"Kiel appears to have Moll stunned... now HE'S trying to eliminate
Moll! This is crazy!" Gorilla shouted as the crowd screamed for Kiel
to push him out.
As Kiel struggled to push Moll out, the crowd's screams abruptly
changed pitch and become more frantic than supportive. Before Kiel
could figure out why, there was a loud *THUNK* noise as someone
smacked his club against the back of his head, causing him to kiss the
canvas in short order.
Moll would've thanked his rescuer had the same club not smashed
against the side of his head, breaking it in half and sent him flying over
the top rope to the floor. Meanwhile, Kiel rolled over and looked up to
see a wild-eyed Richard Simmons standing over him.
"I lost thirty pounds today... PORKING YOUR WIFE!!!" Simmons
screeched, his face a mask of crimson, as he picked up a piece of the
broken club and tried to jam it into Kiel's eye. The crowd, stunned by
this development, nevertheless immediately began chanting 'HE'S
HARDCORE!' right on cue.
"Unbelievable! I'm impressed and I don't impress easy! But Simmons
still needs to get him over the top and that ain't happening!" Jessie said
confidently.
Meanwhile, Simmons had given up trying to jam the club into Kiel's
eye and gestured to the crowd that Kiel was on the way out. Hoisting
him up to a crouch by the hair, Simmons started towards the ropes but
paused as another idea came to mind.
"What's Simmons doing now? He's wasting time!" Gorilla remarked.
"I agree, he needs to put him out while he... what the hell!?" Jessie
exclaimed as Simmons suddenly pressed his hands above his head in a
pumping motion. "Is... Is Richard Simmons going to try and SLAM
Richard Kiel?!?"
"He is!" Gorilla replaced, amazed as Simmons got Kiel into position
for the move. Looking to the crowd for approval and getting it, he began
to lift.
"He's going for it... he's... he's got him up... OH! Excuse me!" Gorilla
winced as Simmons collapsed with Kiel on top on him, flattening him like
a pancake.
"Dumb move by Simmons. He should've just thrown him out. All that
sweating to the oldies must've shrunk his fat head!" Jessie couldn't help
taunting.
"No question, Kiel's slowly getting up now... Simmons is NOT moving.
Kiel now slinging the fitness guru over his shoulder and... running towards
the ropes.... WOW! He just launched Simmons like a lawn dart clear into
the tenth row! It's all over!" Gorilla exclaimed as ringbells began clanging.
"Ha! My pick won!" Jessie crowed.
"Ladies and Gentlemen... the winner of the match... and UNDISPUTED
Richard of the world... RICHARD KIEL!!!" The Fink announced from
ringside as the crowd went nuts. Kiel raised his arms in victory as Mean
Gene Okerlund stepped into the ring with a microphone.
"First off, Richard Kiel, congratulations on your victory tonight. Now
that you are, without question, the undisputed Richard of the world, what
do you plan to do to celebrate?" Mean Gene inquired.
"STEMLOW." Richard Kiel replied with a smile.
"Uh, right. Back to you then, Gorilla! Hey, keep your hands off me!"
Mean Gene stammered as Keil began pawing his bald head.
"Well, folks, this was a night I don't think we'll ever forget here in
the Garden. History was made and we've got ourselves a Richard to rule
all others. Who knows where this will all lead up to but for now, we hope
you enjoyed tonight's Richard Rumble! This is Gorilla Monsoon for the
Body saying, So long, everybody!"
A brief montage of screen captures from the rumble played as the
credits rolled before the whole arena faded to reveal the walls of the
holocabana. Tom Servo stood by the controls.
"Save program, Magic Voice. What'da think, sirs?"
* * *
DEEP 13
Dr. Forrester stood before the altar of Richard, his hands clenched
into fists and his voice trembling with anger.
"They are fools! Fools, all of them! They will regret their mocking of
you, oh mighty Richard! And now that the fanfic has weakened them, it
is time for you to unleash your full wrath... upon...." Dr. Forrester trailed
off at the sound of Torgo's theme music approaching, only it seemed to be
overlapping itself now. Then he realized why as Torgo and Frank slowly
shambled into Deep 13.
"Where the hell have you two been!? I sent you two out to find
converts hours ago! I can't summon the wrath of Richard by myself!
And why are you both out of uniform!?" Dr. Forrester growled
menacingly.
"I'm sorry, Steve... but Torgo has shown me a new light of hope... I
now serve... The Master." Frank replied solemnly, now dressed exactly
the same as Torgo, who was wearing his old outfit.
"WHAT!? Frank, how could you let this idiot talk you into... what am
I saying... that's how I got you away from 'Arbys' in the first place...." Dr.
Forrester muttered to himself while rubbing his temples.
"All right, enough of this farce! Torgo, OUT! Frank, looks like I'm
gonna have to deprogram you again. Now then, where'd I put that
Beethoven album and cattle prod.....?" Dr. Forrester mused as he knelt
down to look underneath the console. Meanwhile, Torgo slowly made
his way to the door, muttering to himself....
"I DiDN't WaNT tO sHArE tHe mAStEr's wIVeS wITh HiM,
aNYwAy...."
...AND THE MSTINGS
CONTINUE...
I hope you enjoyed this and comments are very welcome.
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com) (lynxara@gmail.com )
Author's Notes: Whew, it's finally done! I wanted the fifth season to
open with a bang and I think this is some of the best work we've turned
out in some time. It was a blast as always to work with Zoogz and
Lynxara and this story was a true pleasure to MST from beginning to
end. The editing and revising, on the other hand... well, let's just say we
got through it. Much appriciation to the SVAM web board for their
C&C which helped motivate us to make this MST even better than
before.
I've been MSTing for over seven years now and I want to thank each
and every person who's send me words of support and encouragement
and who have helped me with my MSTs over the years. I treasure
every piece of fan mail I receive and I consider it a great honor that
some people have dedicated their MSTings to me and tell me that I
helped encourage them to start MSTing. To all of you, thank you from
the bottom of my heart and I hope I can continue to inspire and make
you laugh for a long time to come. :)
I'd like to give personal thanks to Zoogz, who helped me with some
in-depth C&C and suggested riffs for this MSTing....
- Zoogz's 'Mystery Science Cinema' series can be found at
http://www.nabiki.com/mst/zoogz/mst/ including his latest MSTings
'Moon Honey Flash' and 'From Weird to Weirder'. The editing of the
FFIRC MSTing 'Battle Royale' is also complete and all of these can
be found in the 'Recently Completed Projects' section of 'A MSTing
For All Seasons'. Since this MST is finished, Zoogz is currently
between projects but should have a new MSTing on the horizon before
too long.
I'd also like to give personal thanks to Lynxara, who was nice enough to
critique this work more than once as well as suggest riffs and
improvements....
- Be sure to check out Lynxara's webcomic at http://www.fantasywars.org
- Also, check out Lynxara's MWT3K MSTings at
http://rotnluk.com/lynxaradex.html
***All of Zoogz and my MSTings and the MSTings we've contributed
to can be found in the various categories at:***
'A MSTing for All Seasons'
http://www.nabiki.com/mst
Everything What Is Crap
http://svamcentral.org/ewic/
>"SHUT UP!!!!!" God yelled, everyone was in total shock from this
>girl's whole talk.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and (c) 2004 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights
reserved.
Keep Circulating the Fanfics....
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)
(The future isn't what it used to be....)
"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON FIVE)
EPISODE 41: THE LIGHT OF MY HOPES PT. 4
(A Sailor Moon/Escaflowne/Gundam Wing/Card Captor Sakura/Fushigi
Yuugi/Dragon Ball Z Crossover MSTing)
MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7, Zoogz and Lynxara
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com) (lynxara@gmail.com )
This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering
my own ass here folks....
"Light Of My Hopes" is the property of Tenshi Cat. She has given me
permission to MST her work and I greatly appriciate it. :)
* * *
(Door 6: It's a metal door with no knob. Before you can do anything, it's
yanked off its hinges from the other side by a tow truck.)
(Door 5: It's an old fashioned elevator. Both sets of doors open for you
as you pass through.)
(Door 4: It's made of dominoes. You tip the lead one over and watch as
the pile slowly lowers until it's half its original size and you step over it.)
(Door 3: It's filled with cute stuffed toys. You cuddle them for awhile
before proceeding.)
(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Ankh floats from behind you and
touches the door. The door vanishes.)
(Door 1: It's a castle gate that rises into the ceiling, revealing a
drawbridge that slowly lowers to the ground. You cross it cautiously,
looking for moat monsters.)
(Door .7: It's a swirling blue vortex. Suddenly a large hand reaches out
of its center and pulls you inside.)
Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in his arms,
Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping
over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his
own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to
him, Crow sitting on his right.
>THIS CHAPTER ID DEDICATED TO REBECCA-CHAN. THX
>FOR E-MAILING ME ;)!!!!
>THE LIGHTS OF MY HOPES: TRUTH ABOUT GALIXIA AND
>CHIBI-CHIBI
Tom: <Galaxia> I shall call her... Mini-Spore.
Joel: <Galaxia> The TRUTH, Opus, is that you more closely resemble
a puffin rather than a penguin.
>Sunlight peered through the window and hit Usagi directly in the eye,
Crow: <Usagi> EYAAAUGH!!
>making her stir slowly. Her eyes opened as she groggily sat up. She
>sighed loudly as she got up and took a shower.
>The ancient book of cosmos shone as Usagi got out of the shower
>dressed and picked it up.
Joel: Fanservice Underwhelming.
Crow: Those FCC dickweeds just don't know when to quit.
>She then reached for the doorknob and twisted it open, only to find a
>bouquet of red roses to be held in front of her.
Tom: <Usagi> Why Kunou-Sempai! You too? My, I'm getting
popular!
>She blinked and looked up to see Trunks smirking at her with the
>seductive sparkle in his eyes.
Joel: <singing> Ohhhhh, Dreeeeam Weaver... I believe we can get you
through the niiiiight....
Crow: He's drawn in the DBZ art style. How do you tell a seductive
sparkle from "I will destroy you, Kakarot?"
>She frowned and said in an angry tone, "Trunks please, get serious
>about this."
>"I know. I just want to say sorry for yesterday," Trunks apologized
>with a grin.
Tom: <Usagi> FTD isn't going to save your ass, pal.
>Usagi glared at him from underneath her bangs and whispered, "Nice
>try bastard. But I must admit I liked the flower effect." With that she
>walked out of the dinning room in the glorious hotel.
Joel: You know it's a glorious hotel when they provide shower
facilities in the dining room....
Tom: Waiter! There's a hair in my soup! And my salad! And my coffee!
>Trunks only smirked as thought, 'Damn, she's good... beautiful... and
>absolutely sexy! I'll get her.' Not noticing Shinigami was watching
>Trunks with, for some reason, fire raging inside him.
Crow: My devil said Mylanta.
>~DINNING ROOM~
Tom: Oh! The *dinning* room! That's where Gwar practices
between tours, right?
Joel: Yeah, plus their meat sandwiches are to die for.
>Usagi plumped down on her seat where Allen, Quartre and Hotohori
>looked at her frowning face worriedly.
>Quartre made the first move, "What's wrong?"
>"Trunks," came the reply through clenched teeth.
Crow: <Quatre> You had no problem making out with Shinigami
earlier, why be offended now?
Joel: <Usagi> Would YOU reject a kiss from Duo Maxwell?
Crow: <Quatre> Uh, well, w-we're not talking about me right now!
>Allen looked at the angel of purity as he understood, "I know
>Usagi-hime, but please don't let him get to you."
>Usagi then slammed the ancient book on the table and said frustrated,
>"I know but he's a bastard."
Tom: <Trunks> Hey! I protest! I'm the <singing> son of a son of a
sailor....
>This surprised the boys, except Allen for he was laughing inside.
>Then Hotohori suggested, "Let's go get some new clothes later."
>Usagi face beamed and gasped out, "Really?"
Joel: <Usagi> TAKE ME TO YOUR SHOES!!!
Crow: <Usagi> Clothes... check. Annoying little yappy dog... check.
Prime slot on Fox... check. Heh heh... Paris Hilton, beware!
>"Really. I'll cough out enough money for us all," Shinigami reassured
>as he sat down beside the over dosed with happiness Bunny.
>"Oh thank you Duo!" she squealed with delight.
Tom: <Usagi> I'll take my money for nothing and my chicks for free!
>Duo smiled for his good work since he knew that every teenaged girl
>just loved shopping.
Crow: So "good works" involve fake money for a no-strings-attached
shopping spree just to attempt to get girls in bed... maybe he really IS
Satan.
Joel: But a lot closer to caffeine-free diet Satan.
>~HEAVEN~
>"You what?" questioned God.
>Selenity stood her ground, but inside her heart broke even more as she
>replied, "I've sent Quartre, Allen, Hotohori and Trunks to protect
>MY daughter."
Tom: <Richard> What happened to her guardian angel?
Crow: <Serenity> On break.
Tom: <Richard> And the Holy Ghost?
Crow: <Serenity> On strike.
Tom: <Richard> Jesus?
Crow: <Serenity> Died for their sins.
Tom: <Richard> Heh, that was a helluva joke, huh?
>Richard's anger overflowed as Lina smoothly rubbed his back as she
>said, "Why? She's not that important."
>"Lina is right," stated Richard as tears stung Selenity's soul.
>"I dare you to say that again Richard!" she yelled to defend her
>daughter's pride.
Joel: <Richard> Uh, can I take 'truth' instead?
>God hesitated but said softly for he knew this would break his love's
>heart, "She's not important."
Crow: <Richard> And just like my appendix, she had to be removed.
>Lina smirked in triumph as she looked at Selenity.
All: Slap her! Slap her! Slap her!
>Selenity bit her lower lip and said firmly, "You will regret those words,
>Richard, and I'll make sure of that." She nodded in determination as
>she proudly walked out of the room that belonged to her ex-love.
Joel: <singing> Good girls go to heaven, but bad girls go everywhere...
Tom: <Richard> Ooh, what'cha gonna do? Get a divorce? Ha,
my church won't recognize it! I'm the god! I'M THE GOD!!!
>"Don't worry about her. She's a witch," scowled Lina as she hugged
>her husband.
Tom: <Richard> And you are...?
Joel: <Lina> I am a magic user. Not a witch. I swear.
>~NON-EXISTENCE REALM~
>"Can you believe that bitch!" screamed Jupiter as she saw Lina
>hugging their king.
Crow: Ah, so being in the non-existence realm is just like watching an
episode of Jerry Springer.
>"Yeah! Manipulating our king!" Mars spat out in disgust.
Tom: <Mars as Santa Claus> Look at that old busy-body! She'll make
God want to steal again!
>"Guys, I don't think he'll be our king for long," Mercury notified.
Joel: <Mercury> Something BIG is going down on C-SPAN, guys....
>"I agree the romance between them is swaying...badly," Venus agreed
>with a frown.
Tom: Like Paula Abdul on American Idol.
Joel: Like my science teacher at about ten in the morning.
>"I say that she should go to hell!" yelled Endymion.
>"SHUT UP!" yelled Galixia as she slapped the earthen prince.
Crow: <Endymion> Whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop!
Tom: <Mars> Nyuk nyuk nyuk!
>The other four senshis silenced for they've never heard Galixia scream
>before.
>"You ok?" Venus asked carefully to make sure that she wouldn't tick
>the golden senshi more.
>"Hai, I'm just sick and tired of people not realizing Usagi-hime's pain,"
>Galixia replied sadly.
Joel: <Rei> HER pain? She's living the high life with an idiot Satan
and four angels, getting wined, dined, roses... and we're stuck in
purgatory with Tux-boy!
>Mercury nodded and commented, "Then we'll try harder in trying to
>figure out a plan."
>The others agreed, except for the nose bleeding Endymion.
Crow: <Jupiter> Uh oh, Mercury's on the jazz again....
>~MALL~
>"Sugoi! This is so incredible!" gasped the cheerful angel of purity with
>the ancient book clutched in a tight hug.
Crow: Book of Cosmos, meet Antique Road Show!
>Trunks went into the mall and agreed with Usagi. 'God, the mall is
>huge,' he thought as the angels and Shinigami stood behind Usagi
>and observed the area just in case.
>Usagi then turned around and announced, "Let's get a move on it."
>The guys looked at her then nodded as they walked into a clothing store.
Joel: If they're in there to purchase Victoria's Secret Angel bras, I'm
gonna scream.
Tom: People were surprised to see Satan with bags from Gumballs,
Abercrombie & Fitch, and Gap.
>Usagi was the one who actually walked around observing the clothes
>as the other three wandered aimlessly, checking the perimeter as
>Quartre stayed close to Usagi.
Joel: <Trunks> I'm bored. Wanna go braid the ties?
Tom: <Duo> Sure!
>(Note: I'm not describing what clothes they're wearing. Sorry, but you
>can imagine it, right?)
Crow: Okay. I see Usagi in... white. With... red boots. And a short
skirt...
>After, like two hours of torture for the boys Usagi was satisfied with
>her new clothing as she walked out of the store, holding the book.
Joel: <Quatre> I've never seen anybody take so long to buy a pair of
socks.
Tom: <Duo> Ah, torture. I missed it so.
>"So where are we going now Usagi-hime?" Hotohori asked.
Crow: <Usagi> Cinnabon!
>Usagi froze as she said, "Please people don't call me Usagi-hime just
>call me Usagi."
>It was the angel's turn to freeze, except Trunks, as Allen explained,
>"But Usagi-hime...er..um... Usagi it's only formal."
>"But guys it's weird to people if you call me that," Usagi said, "Besides,
>we're friends right?"
>Those words stung Hotohori, 'Friends? She only thinks of us as her
>friends?' then he said, "Of course, Usagi, we're friends."
Joel: <Hotohori> Only friends... not your loyal harem or
anything... *sob*
Crow: But where's Monica and Rachel?
Tom: B-movie hell if there's any justice.
>Usagi nodded happily as they walked into a restaurant.
Crow: <Usagi> Mmmm, devil dogs.
>~NON-EXISTENCE REALM~
>"Have you guys figured it out yet?" Jupiter asked in a frustrated voice.
>"Not yet," Mercury sighed as she shook her head.
Tom: <Venus> Well, how DO you solve a problem like Maria?
Crow: <Jupiter> I vote for the ruler.
>"I got it," Galixia whispered as the other senshis turned their attention
>towards her.
Joel: <Galaxia> It was Miss White in the Library with the Candlestick!
>"Well?" Mars asked in desperation.
>Galixia nodded and explained, "I'll get Chibi-Chibi to go into the world
>and complete the ancient book."
Tom: <Venus> Can she write?
Crow: <Galaxia> Are you kidding? She did a great job with
Act III, Scene V of 'Macbeth'!
Joel: <Mercury> ....
>"But I thought she was a part of you. So shouldn't she be dead?"
>Jupiter asked.
>Galixia shook her head, "Ile, Chibi-Chibi is the star seed of light which
>decided to live in me for a while for she was weak and needed someone
>to hide her from the darkness and hatred of humans. But then Chaos
>raged into life and I was forced in setting Chibi-Chibi free from my
>body."
Joel: <Jupiter> So... you named your tapeworm?!
Crow: This gives all new meaning to "hollow her out and live in her"...
Tom: <singing> I don't know why she swallowed that fly... perhaps
she'll die?
>"I see. So you and Chibi-Chibi are two people?" Mercury asked as
>Galixia nodded.
>"Then where the hell is your star seed?" Endymion asked.
Tom: <Galaxia> Vault 713, Gringotts Bank.
Crow: <Galaxia> I could ask the same as you, O brave noble and
forthright Prince of Earth.
Joel: <Galaxia> Mine's buried in my time capsule. But we can't
dig it up for another hundred years or so.
>"Lost in the loop of space for I was a former guardian of Cosmos,
>herself. I could only stay alive because of my will in finding my friend
>and former queen," Galixia sighed.
Crow: If you listen closely, you can hear Galaxia's backstory being
flushed down the john.
>"You're an ancient senshi? One of the very original?" Venus asked.
>"Hai," came the simple answer.
Joel: She's just waiting for Aeris to join her in death and the cycle will
be complete.
>~OUTTER MANSION~
>"Minna!" shouted Hotaru as Hakura and Michiru turned to her and
>asked, "Yes?"
>"We HAVE to stay alive," the brave Firefly stated.
>"Of course, to save the world," Michiru said.
Tom: <Hotaru> Better yet... to revolutionize the world!
All: Kashira, kashira, gozonji kashira....
>"No, I mean seriously we HAVE to stay alive," Hotaru said desperately.
Crow: Is this something Hotaru jokes about a lot?
>"What are you getting at, Hotaru?" Hakura asked worriedly.
Crow: <Hotaru> I had... a vision. A vision of purgatory... with bickering
Senshi. We must avoid it... AT ALL COSTS!
>"One phrase, Cosmos is coming," she replied as the senshis of both
>wind and sea gasped in realization.
Joel: <Hotaru> We have to stop him before he has every man in the
universe wearing support garments and smelling like the beach!
>~TIME GATE~
>"All is piecing together like a puzzle," Setsuna whispered.
>"What should I do?" Selenity asked her dear friend of time.
Crow: <Setsuna> See about an annulment.
Tom: <Setsuna> Hand me that tower over there and we can finally
cap Westminster Abbey. Then we can start working on the Taj Mahal!
>"Selenity-sama, don't worry the planets won't let this fail again,"
>reassured Setsuna.
>"But the war..." Selenity whispered in horror.
>"It won't happen this time. I'm sure of it," stated Setsuna firmly.
Crow: <Setsuna> Well, not unless Tomino directs.
>"I hope so. Dear god I hope so," Selenity said as Setsuna glowed
>dark red.
Tom: <Setsuna> Self-destruct sequence activated.
Joel: <Serenity> W-Whoa! Don't go pulling a Big Cheese on me now?!
>"Almost time," she told her queen.
>"The planets will line up and eventually choose. And choose they will
>for it's time when they get their queen back," Selenity repeated the last
>line of a certain book.
Crow: Of course, the planets had to send a pawn to the back row.
Tom: Ladies and cosmic deities! Welcome to the 2004 Planet's Choice
Awards!!
>~NON-EXSISTENCE REALM~
>"Ok. We got that settled. Another question, how can Chibi-Chibi finish
>the book?" Mars asked.
Joel: Holy Ghost writer.
>"Cause Chibi-Chibi is one of the guardians who protected Sailor
>Cosmos too. Since we are separate she's the one actually alive for she
>was damaged in the Great War and needed me. I agreed for I am her
>friend," Galixia announced.
>The other senshis nodded understandingly.
Tom: While the MSTers shook their heads bewilderedly.
Crow: If it helps any, my head is in my hands...
Joel: Well, with THIS much build up, it's gotta have a huge payoff, right?
>END OF CHAPTER FOUR!
Joel: <sighs> No, I guess that was too much to hope for....
Tom: About &$%@#* time.
Crow: The author Just Didn't Care.
>I KNOW SHORTER THAN THE OTHER ONES, BUT I WANTED
>TO GIVE YOU A CLIFFFY.
Crow: Pity it wasn't a Normy. Considering what they've been through,
every senshi in this fic deserves a beer or three....
>PLEASE R/R!
>TENSHI CAT
Tom: <singing> There's one more feline in heaven....
Joel: <shaking his head> Wow... I mean... wow. What else can I say?
Such a goofy story....
Crow: You ain't kidding, bub. Here we have Sailor Moon, who is really
just Usagi for the whole danged fic. A truck does the work that Beryl,
Metallia, Ann and Ail, and numerous others couldn't...
Tom: She goes to some sort of Heaven, featuring Richard da God and
his many "happy" wives... and after a run-in with the most demonic angel
this side of Shamshiel, she's sent to Hell... featuring Duo da Devil and his
happy harpies....
Joel: Yeah, then she somehow tricks Satan... err, Duo to give her second
life without a messy soul transaction or anything... goes through a ton of
weird exposition based on some council of stars with their seeds...while
Shamshiel starts slaughtering Children... err, I mean Senshi...
Tom: We find that the rest of the Inner Senshi are condemned to purgatory
with the wuss that started the ball rolling in the first place while the Outer
Senshi... <starts singing> ...still haven't found... what they're looking for...
Crow: Then it suddenly turns into 'Elimidate' with Usagi being fussed,
fawned and fought over while she shops for socks... and God... err, Richard
acts more and more like Louis XIV until we get a "cliffy" consisting of one
lone pugatory-ed Sailor sending her tapeworm forth to do celestial battle!
Joel: You know, guys... I think 'Spawn' had much more continuity
and was much more believable overall.
Tom: Heh, I'll take your word for it, Joel.
Crow: I still liked it better than 'Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey' myself....
(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater)
* * *
THE HOLOCABANA
"Ladies and Gentlemen... it is now time... for the RICHARD
RUMBLE!!!" The voice of Howard Finkle boomed over the
loudspeakers as nineteen thousand fans in Madison Square Garden
roared their approval.
"In just a few moments, the individuals who drew number one and
number two will begin the Richard Rumble, and every thirty seconds
thereafter, a new individual will join the rumble. Remember, it is EVERY
RICHARD FOR HIMSELF. The only way for an individual to be
eliminated is by being thrown over the top rope to the arena floor. The
one Richard remaining after all thirty participants have entered the ring
will become... the UNDISPUTED RICHARD OF THE WORLD!!!"
The crowd roared again as The Fink continued. "And now, introducing
the individual who drew number one...."
"Buckle down with Nixon, buckle down...." The crowd immediately
lapsed into booing as Richard Nixon emerged into the arena to his theme
song, flanked on both sides by secret servicemen. When he reached the
ring, he quickly climbed a turnbuckle from the outside and flashed V-signs
to the crowd which only infuriated them more.
"And now, here is the individual who drew number two..."
"Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks?"
The funky vocals of Issac Hayes flooded the arena.
"SHAFT!" The crowd roared back and cheered as Richard 'Shaft'
Roundtree strode towards the ring. As he stepped between the ropes to
enter, Nixon ordered his servicemen to attack while backing up into the
nearest corner.
"Nixon ordering a pearl harbor job on Roundtree! He's in trouble... no,
wait! There's one... two... wow, what a shot! Roundtree just threw the
whole bunch over the top rope single-handed!" A large man with blue
glasses exclaimed from ringside.
"A-ha, but it only counts if *NIXON* is eliminated, Monsoon!"
Another man sitting beside him retorted smugly. He was clad in a tiger
striped leather jacket with a white poofy shirt unbuttoned halfway
underneath and leopard print tights. A do-rag covered his bald head
while a hot pink feather boa adorned his neck.
"Well... I don't think we have too long to wait on that count, Jess.
Hello everybody, I'm Gorilla Monsoon with Jessie 'The Body' Ventura
and boy are we happy to be covering this event for you.
"Speaking of which, I think Nixon's about to have a nasty accident,
and I don't mean in his pants!" Jessie pointed out as Roundtree hoisted
the ex-president off his feet.
"Nixon should've listened to his theme song and buckled up first."
Monsoon joked.
"Oh, real cute, Monsoon. We've got another entrant coming! 3... 2...
1... who is it!?" Jessie shouted as the buzzer went off.
The theme to Home Improvement played over the loudspeakers as
Richard Karn walked to the ring, smiling and waving to the fans. "Think
he's got what it takes to last till the end, Jessie?" Gorilla mused.
"I don't think so, Tim." Jessie joked as Karn continued to smile
and wave at the fans outside the ring while Roundtree tossed a beaten
and bloody Nixon over the top rope to the floor with his crippled
servicemen. Then he noticed Karn on the floor and grabbed him by
the hair, yanking him up to the apron.
"This ain't gonna be pretty... we got another entry coming though..."
Jessie remarked as the buzzer went off. The theme to Hogan's Heroes
came over the loudspeakers. "Hey, Gorilla!" Jessie exclaimed excitedly.
"Is that who I think it is?"
"Holy mackerel, it's Richard Dawson!" Gorilla exclaimed as Dawson
sprinted towards the ring. At the same time, Karn broke free of
Roundtree's grip and rushed towards Dawson.
"This place is going bananas!" Gorilla exclaimed as Karn and Dawson
tore into one another with unbridled fury. Roundtree could only blink in
surprise as both Family Feud hosts exchanged punches while rolling
around on the mat.
"Kiss your career good-bye, punk!" Dawson growled as he laid in
another shot.
"I am rubber, you are... uhhhh!" Karn trailed off as another punch
knocked him cold. As Dawson struggled to lift Karn out of the ring,
Roundtree walked over to them and simply shoved them both out.
"See, Shaft's being smart. Let the other two guys wear themselves
out and then jump 'em from behind." Jessie remarked.
Gorilla nodded. "No question... but the next entry is coming in 3...
2... 1..."
The crowd came alive as Richard Pryor walked down the aisle, waving
to the fans. Upon entering the ring, he placed his hands on his hips and
looked dismayed before signaling someone at ringside to hand him a
microphone.
"My first rumble... and they expect me to fight a dude? What the
f*ck's up with that!?" Pryor ranted as the crowd cheered. "Tell someone
in the back to get some white-ass honky out here first! Cause, there ain't
no way I'm beatin' on a brotha. 'Specially when he can beat me better!"
"You damn right." Roundtree agreed as Pryor grabbed the ropes and
leapfrogged over the top, eliminating himself. He then walked over to the
commentator's table and took a seat next to Jessie. "Mind if I watch the
rest of the Rumble from here?"
"Well, uh, we're in the middle of a...." Gorilla began.
"Sure, the more, the merrier!" Jessie interrupted as he handed a spare
headset to the comic. As Pryor adjusted the mike, Gorilla suddenly
chimed in. "We've got another entry coming in two... one...."
'Rule Britannia' played over the loudspeakers as Richard the
Lionhearted made his way down the aisle in a suit of armor. As he slid
into the ring under the bottom rope, Roundtree made his move and
kicked the knight's helmet clean off his head before beating him into
unconsciousness with it.
"Yeah! That cracker's immobile! WHUP HIS ASS, SHAFT!" Pryor
cheered.
"The King of England just got crowned by Roundtree. And he's out!"
Gorilla exclaimed as Roundtree dumped the prone Lionhearted over the
ropes.
"Helluva coronation, wasn't it?" Jessie quipped as the buzzer sounded
again. "Who's up next, Gorilla?"
"Well Jess, I've just been informed that entries seven through twenty
have dropped out of the rumble. Apparently they banked on Richard
Karn taking care of Shaft...." Gorilla informed him.
"That's cause they KNOW what a bad mofo he is. Probably even
screwed their girlfriends prior to the Rumble!" Pryor crowed.
Gorilla winced. "Well, be that as it may, we're picking up with the
next entry...."
"Yeah, let's get a cracker out here with some balls!" Pryor shouted
as the crowd roared in agreement.
As the buzzer sounded, The melody of a low key guitar mixed in
with an occasional blasting of trumpets played over the loudspeakers.
Roundtree immediately tensed up as a rather large man slowly walked
towards the ring, dressed in a loincloth and carrying a club. His mouth
also had an unnatural gleam as he stepped over the top rope while the
crowd erupted in dueling EEGAH/JAWS chants.
"OH SHIT! RUN, SHAFT! IT'S THE MAN!!" Pryor screamed as
he ripped off his headset and tore ass into the crowd and out of sight.
"Whoa... there's my pick to win, Monsoon." Jessie whistled as Richard
Kiel towered over Roundtree, who none the less stood his ground and
locked up with him... only to be violently thrown into the corner.
"Roundtree's not gonna get very far with that approach. He needs to
use speed and quickness against that monster...." Gorilla observed as
Roundtree cautiously circled the massive giant.
"Either that or a slingshot." Jessie wisecracked.
"Certainly couldn't hurt. OH! Kiel just backhanded Roundtree right
out of the ring! You can stick a fork in him, cause he's outta here!"
Gorilla observed.
"Told ya, Monsoon." Jessie gloated just as the buzzer sounded again.
"Who we got now... oh, this should be good."
"Hey everybody! I'm Richard Simmons and I'm going to give this
rumble a hug for all my diet buddies!" Simmons shrieked as he rushed
into the ring and did some warm up stretching for the crowd. Kiel
winced and attempted to avert his eyes from Simmons's shorts, backing
up against the ropes.
"Jaws is reeling... Simmons has the big guy stunned! He's in deep
trouble... he's teetering... wait a minute, he's sliding under the bottom
rope to the outside, come on, ref! Get him back in there!" Gorilla yelled
as Kiel knelt down and reached underneath the ring for something. A
moment later, he pulled out a large wooden club, much to the delight of
the crowd.
"Give me a break! He can't bring that in!" Gorilla fumed.
"Hey, no rules in the rumble says he can't. Besides, you want to be
the one to take it away from him?" Jessie pointed out.
Gorilla winced as Kiel leveled Simmons with the club. "Nope."
As Simmons lay unconscious on the mat, the buzzer sounded again
but this time no entry came out.
"Huh? Where's the next Richard?" Gorilla asked.
"Maybe it's Sue Richards?" Jessie wisecracked.
"Will you be serious... uh-oh, looks like the crimson is flowing from
Simmons... yep, he's been busted wide open." Gorilla remarked as he
turned his attention back to the ring.
"I love it, Monsoon!" Jessie laughed as the bleeding Simmons
struggled to get to his feet using the ropes only to collapse again in a heap.
Kiel lumbered forward to finish him off when the buzzer sounded again.
"And our next entry is...." Gorilla began.
"KHAN!" Jessie exclaimed along with the crowd as Ricardo
Montalban strode towards the ring confidently. Keil attempted to nail
him with the club as he entered the ring only to have the club stopped
short by his hand.
"You may be large... but I have thrice your strength." Ricardo
whispered coldly before easily shoving a surprised Kiel into the corner
with his other hand.
"Wow, the irresistible force just moved the immovable object!"
Gorilla exclaimed. "Kiel's definitely lost the power advantage...."
"Not to mention his big-ass club." Jessie added as Kiel stumbled
out of the corner only to be hoisted up by the neck and tossed across
the length of the ring. Ricardo dropped Kiel's club with disdain as he
walked over to the shaken giant and gorilla pressed him over his head.
"Looks like the beginning of the end for Kiel... wait a minute! Is
he... he is! Kiel is biting Ricardo's hand... Khan's hand is now busted
wide open!" Gorilla exclaimed
"That's illegal, Monsoon! He has metal teeth! He shouldn't be
allowed to do that!" Jessie protested.
"All fair's in the Richard Rumble, Jessie. Uh-oh, Ricardo is hot!"
Gorilla observed as Ricardo tossed Kiel around like a rag doll, his
attacks lacking focus and purpose. Suddenly the buzzer went off
again.
"Who's coming now... it's Little Richard... or is that Johnny B.
Badd... no, it's definitely Little Richard!" Jessie proclaimed.
"Little Richard coming in at number twenty-five... and there he
goes! Wow, that was a quick elimination!" Gorilla remarked as
Ricardo tossed the legendary musician out of the ring before resuming
his beatdown of Kiel. But it wasn't long before the buzzer sounded
again.
"Someone else is coming... it's... Richard Baseheart! And he's
being accompanied by Gypsy!" Jessie exclaimed in amazement.
"Indeed, it is Gypsy! Managers normally aren't allowed at ringside
but I guess they made an exception for her...."
"Oh right! Right! Managers aren't allowed at ringside but I guess
she's allowed to slide by, huh Monsoon?
"She has no arms, Jess, what's she gonna do? Spit at the ring?"
Gorilla pointed out as Gypsy gave Baseheart a quick kiss on the cheek
before leaping into the ring and attacking Ricardo from behind. Ricardo
glared at Baseheart before locking up with him and finally giving Kiel
a breather.
"Baseheart has guts, I'll give him that... but, oh yeah, he's in trouble
now...." Jessie cheered as Ricardo held Baseheart in a full nelson, his
joints popping and bones grinding together.
"Fight it, Richard! Don't give up!" Gypsy pleaded from ringside.
Baseheart drew deep into his reserves of strength and, with help
from Gypsy leading the crowd into chanting his name, managed to
break the hold, much to Ricardo's surprise. But before Baseheart could
capitalize on his adrenaline rush, he suddenly cried out in pain and
collapsed to his knees.
"Huh? What's with Baseheart all of a sudden?" Jessie questioned.
"Maybe the full nelson had some lingering effects?" Gorilla guessed.
Ricardo was also taken aback for a moment but only for a moment
as he quickly grabbed Baseheart by the neck and threw him out of the
ring to the floor.
"Richard Baseheart, NOOOO!!!" Gypsy wailed as she went to his
side, trying to offer comfort. Meanwhile, the buzzer had sounded again
and Richard Gere was making his way towards the ring, only to stop
when he noticed the sobbing Gypsy. "Hey, is everything okay?"
"No, Richard Baseheart is hurt!" Gypsy cried.
"Let me see... hmm...." Gere mused as he knelt down beside
Baseheart to examine him.
"Hey, this is a rumble, Gere! Practice your selfless Buddhism
somewhere else!" Jessie griped.
"He'd better be careful or he's going to be eliminated for not stepping
in the ring!" Gorilla warned.
"Speaking of which, Ricardo better eliminate Kiel soon, he's using up
all his energy on him!" Jessie exclaimed as Ricardo tried to shove Kiel
over the top rope with Kiel using every last ounce of his strength to
hang on. Meanwhile, Richard Gere finished his diagnosis of Richard
Baseheart.
"Hmm, he seems to have suffered severe trauma to the head...." Gere
concluded.
"But nobody hit him, I was watching and... hey, wait a minute...."
Gypsy frowned as her eye turned red and she stared long and hard at the
ring to discover....
"YOU!!" Gypsy screamed abruptly as she shot forward into the ring
and wrapped herself tightly into a coil shape. A female scream shortly
followed as Sue Richards suddenly appeared inside the coil to the shock
of everyone in the ring.
"Holy smokes! It's Invisible Girl! She WAS in the rumble!" Gorilla
exclaimed.
"Hit my man from behind!? You're going DOWN, sister!" Gypsy
screamed as she dragged Sue Richards to the ropes and flipped her over
the top to the floor. The crowd went wild as the two women continued
to struggle while Richard Gere feebly attempted to break it up to no
avail.
"Now try and tell me that was in any way legal, Monsoon! She wasn't
even in the rumble! Tell me this wasn't a travesty of justice!?" Jessie
raged.
"Sue Richards eliminated by Gypsy... Richard Baseheart eliminated
by Sue Richards... controversy abounds here at the Richard Rumble!"
Gorilla exclaimed.
"Answer me, was it a travesty or not?" Jessie insisted.
"No question, Jess. But now here's our next participant, only three
more to go...."
The buzzer sounded as Richard Vranch ran down to the ring. "Hey,
it's that guy from the British version of 'Who's Line Is It Anyway?'!
Gee, he's pretty close to the end, think he'll take it all?" Jessie inquired.
"Highly unlikely." Gorilla replied as Vranch tried to suck up to
Ricardo by assisting him in his attempted elimination of Richard Kiel.
"The gas tank has to be rapidly approaching empty for Kiel... those
collateral-lateral ligaments have got to be hurting... not to mention his
external occipital protuberance...."
"What the HELL are you blathering on about, Gorilla?!?" Jessie
exploded.
Gorilla sighed. "Forget it. Here comes our next entry!"
As the first few notes of 'Also sprach Zarathustra' came over the
loudspeaker, the crowd went absolutely crazy. "The crowd has
literally exploded here in New York! It's pandemonium!" Gorilla
screamed to be heard over the din.
"Yep, looks like Richard Strauss is going to take it all." Jessie joked.
"Will you stop!? It's only the most famous Richard in all of wrestling!
It's the Nature Boy! It's... Ric Flair!" Gorilla proclaimed as Flair emerged
from the dressing room in his traditional black feathered robe.
"WOO!!!" Flair proclaimed as he strutted his way down to ringside
and soaked in the cheers of his adoring fans before entering the ring.
Five seconds later, Ricardo tossed him over the ropes and down the aisle,
eliminating him.
"Flair is... eliminated? Wow... didn't see that one coming." Gorilla
exclaimed in amazement.
"Me neither. Hope we don't get flamed for it." Jessie remarked.
"You say something?" Gorilla frowned.
"Yeah, Richard Vranch just got eliminated!" Jessie exclaimed as
Vranch lay sprawled on the floor from Kiel tossing him out over his
shoulder. Ricardo rained blow after blow on him to no effect as Kiel
got to his feet, shaking and puffing his cheeks in and out like a fish.
"He's hulking up!" Gorilla exclaimed.
"Well, DUH." Jessie shot back.
Exhausted and demoralized, Ricardo made a grab for Kiel's
abandoned club on the mat only to be stopped cold by Kiel's hand
around his throat. One massive chokeslam later, Ricardo was down
and ripe for the picking.
"EEGAH! EEGAH! EEGAH!" The crowd chanted as Kiel lifted
the stunned Ricardo off his feet and dumped him over the top rope,
eliminating him. Just then the buzzer sounded for the last time.
"And here's our last entry... WOAH! It's Richard Moll!" Jessie
exclaimed in amazement as a large bald man in a bailiff uniform rushed
towards the ring. The fickle crowd began chanting 'BULL! BULL!
BULL!' much to Kiel's dismay.
"The pendulum has swung again in this one!" Gorilla exclaimed
as Moll attacked the exhausted Kiel and struggled to push him against
the ropes.
"Definitely, Gorilla! Kiel's been in there a long time now and Moll
is as fresh as a daisy!" Jessie exclaimed.
"Kiel's gotta be completely spent... but look at him, he's still fighting!"
Gorilla shouted to be heard over the noise of the crowd as they rallied
their support for Kiel while Moll slowly but surely forced Kiel against
the ropes and off his feet.
"I don't think he's got another Hulk-up in him... Oh, he's biting!
He's biting!" Gorilla screaming as Kiel clamped down on Moll's ear
with his metal teeth.
"Who'da he think he is, Mike Tyson!? What a cheap way to escape
elimination!" Jessie scoffed as Moll released Kiel and held his bleeding
ear in pain while Kiel stalked towards him.
"Kiel appears to have Moll stunned... now HE'S trying to eliminate
Moll! This is crazy!" Gorilla shouted as the crowd screamed for Kiel
to push him out.
As Kiel struggled to push Moll out, the crowd's screams abruptly
changed pitch and become more frantic than supportive. Before Kiel
could figure out why, there was a loud *THUNK* noise as someone
smacked his club against the back of his head, causing him to kiss the
canvas in short order.
Moll would've thanked his rescuer had the same club not smashed
against the side of his head, breaking it in half and sent him flying over
the top rope to the floor. Meanwhile, Kiel rolled over and looked up to
see a wild-eyed Richard Simmons standing over him.
"I lost thirty pounds today... PORKING YOUR WIFE!!!" Simmons
screeched, his face a mask of crimson, as he picked up a piece of the
broken club and tried to jam it into Kiel's eye. The crowd, stunned by
this development, nevertheless immediately began chanting 'HE'S
HARDCORE!' right on cue.
"Unbelievable! I'm impressed and I don't impress easy! But Simmons
still needs to get him over the top and that ain't happening!" Jessie said
confidently.
Meanwhile, Simmons had given up trying to jam the club into Kiel's
eye and gestured to the crowd that Kiel was on the way out. Hoisting
him up to a crouch by the hair, Simmons started towards the ropes but
paused as another idea came to mind.
"What's Simmons doing now? He's wasting time!" Gorilla remarked.
"I agree, he needs to put him out while he... what the hell!?" Jessie
exclaimed as Simmons suddenly pressed his hands above his head in a
pumping motion. "Is... Is Richard Simmons going to try and SLAM
Richard Kiel?!?"
"He is!" Gorilla replaced, amazed as Simmons got Kiel into position
for the move. Looking to the crowd for approval and getting it, he began
to lift.
"He's going for it... he's... he's got him up... OH! Excuse me!" Gorilla
winced as Simmons collapsed with Kiel on top on him, flattening him like
a pancake.
"Dumb move by Simmons. He should've just thrown him out. All that
sweating to the oldies must've shrunk his fat head!" Jessie couldn't help
taunting.
"No question, Kiel's slowly getting up now... Simmons is NOT moving.
Kiel now slinging the fitness guru over his shoulder and... running towards
the ropes.... WOW! He just launched Simmons like a lawn dart clear into
the tenth row! It's all over!" Gorilla exclaimed as ringbells began clanging.
"Ha! My pick won!" Jessie crowed.
"Ladies and Gentlemen... the winner of the match... and UNDISPUTED
Richard of the world... RICHARD KIEL!!!" The Fink announced from
ringside as the crowd went nuts. Kiel raised his arms in victory as Mean
Gene Okerlund stepped into the ring with a microphone.
"First off, Richard Kiel, congratulations on your victory tonight. Now
that you are, without question, the undisputed Richard of the world, what
do you plan to do to celebrate?" Mean Gene inquired.
"STEMLOW." Richard Kiel replied with a smile.
"Uh, right. Back to you then, Gorilla! Hey, keep your hands off me!"
Mean Gene stammered as Keil began pawing his bald head.
"Well, folks, this was a night I don't think we'll ever forget here in
the Garden. History was made and we've got ourselves a Richard to rule
all others. Who knows where this will all lead up to but for now, we hope
you enjoyed tonight's Richard Rumble! This is Gorilla Monsoon for the
Body saying, So long, everybody!"
A brief montage of screen captures from the rumble played as the
credits rolled before the whole arena faded to reveal the walls of the
holocabana. Tom Servo stood by the controls.
"Save program, Magic Voice. What'da think, sirs?"
* * *
DEEP 13
Dr. Forrester stood before the altar of Richard, his hands clenched
into fists and his voice trembling with anger.
"They are fools! Fools, all of them! They will regret their mocking of
you, oh mighty Richard! And now that the fanfic has weakened them, it
is time for you to unleash your full wrath... upon...." Dr. Forrester trailed
off at the sound of Torgo's theme music approaching, only it seemed to be
overlapping itself now. Then he realized why as Torgo and Frank slowly
shambled into Deep 13.
"Where the hell have you two been!? I sent you two out to find
converts hours ago! I can't summon the wrath of Richard by myself!
And why are you both out of uniform!?" Dr. Forrester growled
menacingly.
"I'm sorry, Steve... but Torgo has shown me a new light of hope... I
now serve... The Master." Frank replied solemnly, now dressed exactly
the same as Torgo, who was wearing his old outfit.
"WHAT!? Frank, how could you let this idiot talk you into... what am
I saying... that's how I got you away from 'Arbys' in the first place...." Dr.
Forrester muttered to himself while rubbing his temples.
"All right, enough of this farce! Torgo, OUT! Frank, looks like I'm
gonna have to deprogram you again. Now then, where'd I put that
Beethoven album and cattle prod.....?" Dr. Forrester mused as he knelt
down to look underneath the console. Meanwhile, Torgo slowly made
his way to the door, muttering to himself....
"I DiDN't WaNT tO sHArE tHe mAStEr's wIVeS wITh HiM,
aNYwAy...."
...AND THE MSTINGS
CONTINUE...
I hope you enjoyed this and comments are very welcome.
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com) (lynxara@gmail.com )
Author's Notes: Whew, it's finally done! I wanted the fifth season to
open with a bang and I think this is some of the best work we've turned
out in some time. It was a blast as always to work with Zoogz and
Lynxara and this story was a true pleasure to MST from beginning to
end. The editing and revising, on the other hand... well, let's just say we
got through it. Much appriciation to the SVAM web board for their
C&C which helped motivate us to make this MST even better than
before.
I've been MSTing for over seven years now and I want to thank each
and every person who's send me words of support and encouragement
and who have helped me with my MSTs over the years. I treasure
every piece of fan mail I receive and I consider it a great honor that
some people have dedicated their MSTings to me and tell me that I
helped encourage them to start MSTing. To all of you, thank you from
the bottom of my heart and I hope I can continue to inspire and make
you laugh for a long time to come. :)
I'd like to give personal thanks to Zoogz, who helped me with some
in-depth C&C and suggested riffs for this MSTing....
- Zoogz's 'Mystery Science Cinema' series can be found at
http://www.nabiki.com/mst/zoogz/mst/ including his latest MSTings
'Moon Honey Flash' and 'From Weird to Weirder'. The editing of the
FFIRC MSTing 'Battle Royale' is also complete and all of these can
be found in the 'Recently Completed Projects' section of 'A MSTing
For All Seasons'. Since this MST is finished, Zoogz is currently
between projects but should have a new MSTing on the horizon before
too long.
I'd also like to give personal thanks to Lynxara, who was nice enough to
critique this work more than once as well as suggest riffs and
improvements....
- Be sure to check out Lynxara's webcomic at http://www.fantasywars.org
- Also, check out Lynxara's MWT3K MSTings at
http://rotnluk.com/lynxaradex.html
***All of Zoogz and my MSTings and the MSTings we've contributed
to can be found in the various categories at:***
'A MSTing for All Seasons'
http://www.nabiki.com/mst
Everything What Is Crap
http://svamcentral.org/ewic/
>"SHUT UP!!!!!" God yelled, everyone was in total shock from this
>girl's whole talk.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and (c) 2004 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights
reserved.
Keep Circulating the Fanfics....