Fushigi Yuugi Fan Fiction ❯ Fushigi Yuugi Dating Game ❯ One-Shot

Disclaimer: I do not own Fushigi Yuugi, The Dating Game, The Game Show Network, or Vanyel, Yfandes, and Stefen. (Did I forget anything? I don't think so.) Anyway, I thank you all graciously for letting me use them, and for not suing my poor little high school butt. ;P Oh, and a note to the readers: In case you wonder who this Janna is hosting the show, it's me. Forgive me for the wish fulfillment! ^_^. Nuriko smile!!!

(Dating game music plays in the background. Camera One zooms into a set that resembles that of the new Dating Game, with three chairs stage left behind a screen and two more on either side of a small table just right of center stage. The chairs behind the screen are occupied, from left to right, by Hotohori, Tamahome, and Tasuki. A teenage girl in a tacky game show hosts' suit and dark strawberry blonde hair just touching her shoulders enters through the backset and stands in front of the chairs. A voice says, "Welcome to the dating game! And here's your host, Janna!")

JANNA (Smiling): Hi! Welcome to The Dating Game, the show where we match one lucky contestant to the man or woman of their dreams! Let's meet our first contestant! She comes to us all the way from Ancient China. Her hobbies include strength training, fashion, and coveting royalty. Please give a warm welcome to Chou Korin!

(Nuriko enters from stage right, clad in Court Princess garb. He waves to the audience, then shakes Janna's hand and gracefully takes his seat in the empty seat stage left of the table.)

NURIKO: Thank you, Janna. I'm very happy to be here.

JANNA: Korin will ask each of the contestants questions to find out more about them. When you hear this sound, (wedding bells chime) then the round will be over and it will be time for Korin to choose her date! We briefed all contestants on the rules before the show. Now, let's play The Dating Game!

(Applause. Nuriko is holding some small, neon index cards, presumably with questions written on them. He shuffles the cards around before speaking again.)

NURIKO: Bachelor One. Where would you take me on the perfect date?

HOTOHORI: Well, first we would have a nice dinner made by the finest cooks in the land. Then we would stroll along the palace gardens under the moonlight.

NURIKO (Dreamily): And then…

HOTOHORI: And then we'd go to the temple and raise Suzaku, saving Konan!

NURIKO (The spell is broken. Slightly surprised): Oh! Okay then… (Shuffles through the cards again) Bachelor Two. Would you marry for love, money, or looks?

TAMAHOME (Quickly and without thinking): Well, if she was rich enough, money! (Realizes what he said and that Miaka's going to kill him if she finds out.) Ah, I mean, money… would not matter… because if… Love! Love is my answer. I'd marry for love! (Sinks down in his seat, slightly red)

TASUKI: Nice save, dumbass.

NURIKO (Hiding a smile): Of course. Bachelor Three, people aren't always accepting of other people's relationships. If someone were making fun of you for going out with someone they didn't like, what would you say?

TASUKI (Matter of factly): Talking is for wimps. I'd just beat the shit out of 'em.

NURIKO (Eyebrows raised): Really?

TASUKI: Sure. That bastard wouldn't get away with making fun of Ta- ah, Bachelor Three!

NURIKO: Ah, a man who isn't afraid to stand up for what he believes in. (Grins) I like that. (Shuffles through cards for a moment before going on) Bachelor One, describe your perfect date.

HOTOHORI: Well, to begin, she would have to be beautiful-at least as beautiful as I.

NURIKO (nodding, smug): That's fine… what else?

HOTOHORI: Of course, she'd also have to be the priestess of Suzaku.

NURIKO (frowns abruptly): Oh. Bachelor Two, What would your perfect woman look like?

TAMAHOME: Well, if we truly loved each other, it wouldn't matter what she looked like. She would be beautiful in my eyes no matter what.

NURIKO (smiling dreamily): Wow, that was a really beautiful answer.

TAMAHOME (continuing): … as long as she wasn't stronger than me. I can't stand macho chicks.

NURIKO (Pouts.): … Bachelor Three. Same question?

TASUKI: My ideal woman doesn't exist. I hate women.

NURIKO (Nonchalantly): Oh, so you're gay.

TASUKI (stands up): WHAT? I AIN'T GAY!!!! REKKA- (Stops mid-incantation and looks at fan.) Hey, this is paper!

JANNA: Oh, yeah! I forgot to mention, we confiscated all weapons before the show. No one can say I don't care about my contestants!

(Tasuki grumbles non-PG-rated words, but sits back in his chair like a good boy.)

NURIKO: Bachelor Two-

HOTOHORI: Bachelor Two? Didn't you forget something?

NURIKO: Bachelor Two, if you won the lottery, what would you do with the money?

TAMAHOME: Well, I'd give a lot of it to my family. Then I'd surprise my girlfriend with something special. And after that, I'd keep the rest so I could tell everyone how rich I am! (Low, evil chuckle).

NURIKO: Okay, then. Ah, Bachelor Three. What's the most important thing to you?

TASUKI: Myself! Because if you don't look after yourself, nobody will.

NURIKO: Ah, a man with conviction. I like that!

(Wedding bells chime.)

JANNA: And that brings us to the end of round one! Stay right there! Korin will choose her lucky date after these messages!

CHICHIRI: And…. Cut, no da!

JANNA: Great first half, everyone! (Turns to Nuriko) Is my nose shiny?

NURIKO (peers at Janna's nose): A little. (Pulls out compact and pats Janna's nose with the puff)

JANNA: Thanks! (Nuriko grins at her, and then busies himself with checking his own makeup in the compact mirror.)

HOTOHORI: Korin. That name sounds so familiar.

TAMAHOME: Yeah, but I can't remember where I've heard that name before.

CHICHIRI: Thirty seconds, na no da! Places!

TAMAHOME: Uh-oh. I think I just remembered who Korin was.

CHICHIRI: Three…. two…. one…

JANNA (standing): And, we're back with Korin's decision! Korin, what have you decided?

NURIKO (also standing): Well, Janna, I'm not good enough for Bachelor One since I'm not the Priestess of Suzaku. And Bachelor Two seems a little… whipped. So, I've chosen Bachelor Three!

JANNA: Great! Now let's meet the two you didn't pick. Bachelor One is the Emperor of Konan. His hobbies include primping, looking in the mirror, and serving as one of Suzaku's warriors. Please welcome Hotohori!

(Cheering as Hotohori goes around the screen. He stops short when he sees Nuriko.)

HOTOHORI: Nuriko!

JANNA AND NURIKO: Shh!

(Hotohori goes over and stands stage right of Janna and Nuriko.)

JANNA: Bachelor Two hails from Ancient China. His goal in life is to be rich. Please welcome Tamahome!

(Tamahome goes around the screen and stops in the same place Hotohori had.)

TAMAHOME: I knew it!

JANNA AND NURIKO: Shh!

(Tamahome crosses and stands next to Hotohori.)

HOTOHORI (whispering): Your goal in life is to be rich?

TAMAHOME: Yes.

HOTOHORI: That isn't really a goal, is it?

TAMAHOME: It is if you do it right.

JANNA: Now, before we see who you chose to be the lucky winner, let's see where you two will be going!

(She gestures to a rotating set. Miaka is on the other side, pointing to a picture of Las Vegas.)

MIAKA: Well, Janna, they will be going on an all-expenses-paid trip to Las Vegas Nevada! They will stay in a hotel for six nights and six days and receive five hundred dollars cash and two genuine fake ID's for gambling! (Stops short as she notices Tamahome.) Tamahome?!

TAMAHOME: Miaka?!

MIAKA AND TAMAHOME: What are you doing here?

TAMAHOME: Ah, Miaka? You didn't see the show, did you?

MIAKA: No, why?

TAMAHOME: Oh, good!

MIAKA: Why?

TAMAHOME (Grins): Oh, no reason!

JANNA: As much as I hate to break up this little reunion, Bachelor Three is still backstage. Alone. So, without further ado, let's meet the bachelor Korin did pick! Bachelor Three enjoys cussing, drinking, stealing, and setting things on fire. Please welcome Tasuki!

TASUKI: Finally! I was rotting back there-(stops short) what the- that's no girl! That's Nuriko!

NURIKO: And? What's your point?

TASUKI: I AIN'T GAY!

NURIKO: You aren't?

TASUKI: NO!

NURIKO: Fine. Prove it.

(Tasuki hesitates.)

NURIKO: I dare you.

TASUKI: Fine! I will! (Looks around for a way to prove it. His eyes rest on the host and he grabs her and kisses her. When he lets go, Janna touches her mouth and looks at her hand, then faints dead. Tamahome and Miaka catch her before she hits the floor and lay her down gently. Triumphantly) See?

NURIKO: That doesn't prove anything.

(Tasuki is getting annoyed, but looks around for something that will prove he's not gay. His eyes rest on Nuriko and he smiles evilly.)

TASUKI: Fine. How about this? (Tasuki pulls Nuriko close and kisses him. When they break apart, both are looking at each other with surprised expressions on their faces.

TASUKI (Touching mouth and staring into space, eyes wide.): Gee, maybe I am gay. (Grabs Nuriko's hand and pulls him off the set backstage.)

TAMAHOME: What do we do now? The host just fainted.

CHICHIRI: Commercial, na no da!

(Camera points to another set. Sabrina is there, a girl with long dark hair, wearing a businesslike suit.)

SABRINA: Did someone steal one of your catch phrases? Then sue! Call the law offices of Kouji and Co. "We'll take 'em out!"

(Back at dating game set, Miaka, Hotohori, Mitsukake, and Tamahome are kneeling around Janna, trying unsuccessfully to revive her.)

HOTOHORI (looking up): Do another one! She's still out cold!

SABRINA (now wearing gypsy robes and a turban. With fake Jamaican accent): Want information about your love life? Thinking of changing jobs? Or do you just want to be prepared for the next bad dub on network television? Call Madame Sabrina. The first minute is free! Remember: Madame Sabrina knows all!

TAMAHOME: She's still not awake! We need another one!

SABRINA: Oh, for heaven's sake! (Steps off commercial set and walks across the room until she comes to the dating game set. Goes over to where Janna lay, pushing past offending seishi. She kneels and whispers something in the host's ear. Janna opens her eyes and sits straight up.)

JANNA (looking around): Where?

HOTOHORI (amazed, to Sabrina): What did you say to her?

SABRINA (putting her index finger up to her lips): Sore wa himitsu desu… (She winks and steps off the stage, disappearing behind the sets.)

JANNA: Was that Sabrina? What's she doing here? What's going on?

CHICHIRI (from behind the camera): Janna, it is time to start round two, na no da.

JANNA (stands up): Oh, okay.

(Janna takes her place in front of the small table. Hotohori, Tamahome, and Miaka get off the set and sit in the studio audience. Mitsukake picks up his doctor bag and goes back where he came from, presumably to await the next accident. Now in the seats behind the screen sit Yui, Tomo, and Soi, in that order. Janna smiles at the camera.)

JANNA: Welcome back to The Dating Game! Now, we will have a gentleman choose between three lovely bachelorettes. He is the main villain according to the Suzaku seishi. Evil and corrupted, he spends most of his time playing with people's hearts and killing things. Please welcome Nakago!

(Nakago walks out onto the set, waving to the audience. One person claps a few times, but then all is silent. He frowns and takes his seat, crossing his legs.)

JANNA: Okay, then. Before we start round two, we have taken a special precaution. We have asked Herald-Mage Vanyel to come in and disable all psychic powers so that nobody has any sort of unfair advantage over anyone else. Vanyel?

(A man in his early-to mid-thirties walks on the set with a younger man of about twenty. Vanyel has silver hair with blue-black streaks and is dressed completely in white. Stefen has reddish brown hair and is dressed in a rust color. They are both impossibly beautiful. They go just left of center stage and stand there. Vanyel closes his eyes and the large, clear amber he wears around his neck glows faintly. Then he opens his eyes and smiles a breathtakingly beautiful smile.)

VANYEL: That should do it.

STEFEN: Hey, do you think we can sit in the studio audience and watch the rest of the show? I think this may make some interesting song-fodder.

JANNA (shrugs): Sure, if you can find somewhere to sit. I think the audience is starting to get a bit overfull.

STEFEN (grins): Oh, that's no problem.

(He and Vanyel glance over at the audience. Standing just right of the audience is a pure-white horse. She whickers and sits down gracefully. Van and Stefen go over to where she is sitting and sit just in front of her, using her body as their backrest. Then all three of the look back at the set expectantly, waiting for the show to continue.)

JANNA: Nakago, you may start whenever you're ready. (She sits down in her chair and waits for Nakago to ask his first question. Prize for anyone who sees the theme in Nakago-chan's questions!)

NAKAGO: All right, Bachelorette Three. Ah… (Thinks a minute) Where would you take me on our first date?

TOMO: Well, first we'd go to dinner somewhere. Doesn't matter where, as long as it's nice and we can make a grand entrance. Then, of course, we'd go to the Chinese opera.

NAKAGO: Bachelorette Two, are you hot?

(Soi opens her mouth to answer, but Janna interrupts.)

JANNA: Ah, you're not really allowed to ask questions like that. You're supposed to be trying to find out about their personality.

NAKAGO: Damn. Okay, Bachelorette Two. Do you have a good-looking personality?

SOI: Oh, yes. My personality is very, very sexy.

(Janna rolls her eyes.)

NAKAGO (thinks a moment for another question.): Bachelorette One, what kind of man would I need to be in order to make you feel complete?

YUI: An intelligent woman shouldn't need a man to feel complete. I feel completely whole and independent without a man and would most likely continue to do so, especially if you do not pick me.

TAMAHOME (whispered, to Miaka): Do you believe that?

MIAKA (nods): Absolutely. Yui's very independent.

NAKAGO: Bachelorette Three, what would you bring to the relationship so I wouldn't have to do everything?

TOMO (stands up and pauses dramatically between each word.): Drama. Excitement. (Stands on stool and strikes a pose with a grand flourish.) And a great sense of fashion!

JANNA (eyes closed, head in hands): Sit down, Bachelorette Three.

NAKAGO: This is so boring! (An idea dawns on him) Bachelorette Two, how would you keep me interested in a relationship?

SOI (seductively): It would be a surprise of course. But don't worry. I have a very… shocking personality.

(Yui rolls her eyes)

NAKAGO: Bachelorette One, if I were sick, what would you do to help me get better faster?

YUI: I'd tell you to hurry up and get better, because I'm not going to waste time out of my important life on you.

NAKAGO: Bachelorette Two, describe Bachelorette One for me.

SOI (looks at Yui appraisingly.): Well, her look is very boyish. Especially that awful hair. And no chocolate on Valentines Day for this one-she'd only throw it up afterward. She looks about as cuddly as a two-by-four, and as flat as one, too. (Snickers at her own joke. Yui glares daggers at her.)

NAKAGO (sits up straight, finally interested.): Okay then. Bachelorette One, same question. Describe Bachelorette Two for me.

YUI (studies Soi with a predatory gleam in her eye. Quietly): She is very slutty. Probably has never had a man who didn't pay. The good news is that you could probably get her for under a dollar. She doesn't seem too smart, either. She'd lose every battle of wits for lack of ammunition.

SOI (stands up): You little bitch!

-ZOT! -

JANNA: Oh, dear… I knew I'd forgotten something! (Gets up and runs over to screen, peeking behind. Yui is sitting calmly on stool, looking at a burned circle in the floor at her feet.)

YUI (looks calmly up at Soi): You missed.

SOI (Death-glares at Yui and sits back on stool poutily, crossing her arms over her chest.): I meant to miss.

JANNA: Ah, new rule, girls. No seishi powers in the studio. Uh… Use thereof will result in disqualification. Thanks! (Grins and disappears)

NAKAGO: May I continue, after that incredibly rude interruption?

JANNA (sitting back down, cheerfully): Go ahead!

NAKAGO (thinks for a moment): Okay. Bachelorette T-

(Wedding bells chime overhead. Nakago stops talking and glares in the direction of the sound. Clearly, he wanted the girls to fight over him. Janna stands up)

JANNA: Well, you know what that sound means! Now is the time for Nakago to choose his lucky Bachelorette! Will it be Bachelorette One, Bachelorette Two, or Bachelorette Three?

NAKAGO: Bachelorette One. She sounded the most intelligent, and a smart man like me needs a smart girl. Not as smart, of course, but none of these gals are in danger of that. (Smiles winningly at the camera. Yui looks about ready to murder something.)

JANNA: Great! Now let's meet the lovely ladies our contestant did not pick. (Notices Nakago is still sitting down and pulls his arm until he stands up reluctantly. Turns back to the camera with an innocent smile) Bachelorette Two is an exotic dancer and one of the most sought-after women in the entire universe of the four gods! Please give a warm welcome to Soi!

(Soi slinks out onstage. There are a few catcalls from the audience as she walks and swings her hips excessively. When she sees Nakago, she looks slightly disappointed, but then realizes who he picked and perks up considerably. She sashays past Nakago and stands to his left, one hand on her hip.)

JANNA: And, Bachelorette Three is not really a girl per se, but he is still gorgeous and very creative. Please say hello to Tomo!

(Tomo saunters across the set, pausing stage center for a few great, flourishing bows. He then walks over to Nakago and kisses his hand before taking his place on the other side of Soi. Nakago pulls his hand away and crosses his arms, still frowning.)

SOI (whispering): A bit overly dramatic, there?

TOMO: At least they were looking at my face and not up my skirt. If you can even call that a skirt.

SOI: You're just jealous that I have nicer legs than you.

JANNA: Now, before we meet Nakago's lucky date, let's see where they will be going! Miaka?

MIAKA (in the audience): Oh! (Stands up and runs back onto the set, waiting for the revolving panel to stop, then getting on the platform. It now shows a picture of New York City.)

MIAKA: They will be going to New York City for six days and six nights! There they will stay in the plaza motel and use their very own survival skills to avoid getting mugged as they tour the East Side! (Glad she is finished, Miaka runs back into the audience and takes her former seat next to Tamahome.)

JANNA: Thank you, Miaka! Now let's meet the lucky Bachelorette Nakago chose! A straight-A secondary student from Tokyo, she enjoys going to the library and getting sucked into strange books! Please welcome Yui Hongo!

(Applause)

MIAKA (quietly, to Tamahome): I had no idea she liked getting sucked into the book so much.

(Yui walks onstage. She isn't surprised to see Nakago, but she scowls at the sight of him and stands on the other side of Janna rather than next to Nakago, who is smiling slyly. Janna hesitates.)

JANNA: At this point, we're supposed to blow the Dating Game kiss to the cameras, but one of our happy couples seem to be missing…

(Just then, Nuriko and Tasuki pop up from the fourth row of the studio audience looking completely unruffled. Except Tasuki, who is smiling.)

NURIKO: We're still here! (They stand up and go back onstage, standing to the right of Janna.)

JANNA (grins): Great! All contestants come back on the set!

(Hotohori, Tamahome, and Miaka go back onto the set and stand to the right of Nuriko and Tasuki.)

JANNA: Goodnight from the special Fushigi Yuugi edition of The Dating Game!

(Overhead camera begins to pan out as Janna leads everyone in the Dating Game Kiss which is a big blowy kiss, and which everyone does to the overhead camera including the entire studio audience, Vanyel and Stefen, Chichiri, Mutsukake, Miaka, and all of the contestants. Dating game music begins to play and the credits roll.)