Gensomaden Saiyuki Fan Fiction ❯ Iron Chef: Saiyuki Style ❯ Quite a Cast of Characters ( Chapter 2 )

Title: Iron Chef: Saiyuki Style [part 2/?]

Author: Enigma

Series: Saiyuki

Written: begun September, 2002

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: (Gojyo + Hakkai) (Kougaiji + Dokugakuji) (Sanzo + ?!?)

Category: Crossover, Shonen ai/yaoi, Humor/Parody, Language, Squick. AU-OOC.

Archive: fanfiction.net & mediaminer.org [author: "E-sama the Llama"]

Warnings: crossover with "Iron Chef", shonen ai/yaoi, occasionally tasteless humor, tongue-very-far-in-cheek parody, less than genteel language, squicky things here and there, far more random and occasionally incorrectly used Japanese than normally found in a llama-fic because it's fun and silly, sexual innuendo a-go-go, additional warnings and pairings possible as the fic comes into being over time. AU-OOC!

Spoilers: To be on the safe side, assume that this is chockfull of spoilers for Saiyuki big and small since when the Llama gets silly he often grabs too much from an anime series without realizing it. Oh, and to be even SAFER, assume the manga, the OVAs, and the movie are at risk, too. As for "Iron Chef" what's to spoil?

Disclaimer: "Saiyuki" is the property of Kazuya Minekura, et al. "Iron Chef" is a production of Fuji Television Network Inc. This unauthorized work of unpaid fanfiction is intended for entertainment only; kindly do not sue me.

Notes: What might happen if the bishounen and bishoujo of Saiyuki are forced to cover for Kaga & Company on an episode of "Iron Chef"? Can we all say "mayhem"? I knew that we could!

*****

Even as Jirousin was becoming intimately acquainted with some drapery at the far end of the Royal Box where he thought he might hide until the fireworks were over, Kanzeon bosatsu was in her element and then some as she deftly maneuvered her players into their places.

Clearing her throat imperiously, the sexy eternal began with the least important slots as far as she was concerned, saying, "Let's see now. Everyone already knows Kougaiji will take Chairman Kaga's spot since he's got the most flair and looks best outrageously dressed the way he is right now."

There were disgruntled noises from the floor as the youkai prince crossed his arms over his chest angrily but he did have to agree he was easily more Kaga-esque than the other bishounen available.

Ignoring this as she was wont to do, the goddess-turned-producer continued, "First up, the two additional tasters who get to hang around backstage and be *patient*," she glared at the youngest youkai in the room as she announced, "will be Dokugakuji and Lirin." [1]

The girl bounced to her feet, spun towards the boy seated next to her and pointed while laughing tauntingly, "Ha! So, *there* Goku!" Adding an annoying sing-song to her tone, she danced around a bit and sang out ala' Dee-Dee, "I get to eat the dishes! I get to eat the dishes!" Obviously, she was delighted by this development, but the boy stubbornly refused to react to her, pouting while glancing at Sanzo worriedly more than a little afraid that they might be separated during this strange ordeal.

After bringing the latter portion of the program to mind, Dokugakuji, ever the adoring boyfriend, merely leaned towards Kougaiji and whispered, "Doesn't that mean I get to sit next to you during tasting and judgement, Kou? You know, where that bowtie-wearing former lower house member Yaone always says is so 'kawaii' sits? Right next to Kaga-sama?"

Realizing belatedly that it wasn't such a horrible thing to have let the pretty chemist watch her favorite TV shows in the lounge in his private wing of the castle where no evil stepmothers ever dared to set foot, the redhead smiled almost shyly and whispered back, "I think so, Doku. But I never really paid attention to the show, you know." [2] Recollection of what they usually *were* paying attention to when the two of them were in the same room flooded Kougaiji's mind. As his permanently tanned cheeks turned a darker color, he tried not to think about it more for fear that his highly tailored tuxedo pants might say too much. With a concerted effort, he then forced himself to focus on the goddess to help get his mind off Gojyo's half-brother's generous, um, "attributes". Isn't it amazing what traits breed true in certain families? [3]

The goddess didn't care that the first two designees seemed to accept their duty fairly well, and resumed declaring who went where for all of this, saying, "Next, we've got our two BDJs to assign, and they'll be…"

Puzzled enough to inquire, Hakkai interjected politely with a small bow, "Anou, Kanzeon bosatsu-sama? What does 'BDJ' mean?"

Rolling his eyes since he rather hated whatever unknown gaijin had coined the phrase, Kobe explained, "That's 'bimbo du jour', a reference to the fact that there's always an actress or idol singer here to add some cheesecake to the show." He frowned slightly and added in confusion, "But there's only one female guest. The other's usually a man."

Snickering at the slightly shocked look on Hakkai's face this statement evoked since it never occurred to him that a cooking show would include blatant eye-candy, the goddess clarified, "It doesn't mean that when *I'm* in charge! For this battle, they mean 'bishoujo' and 'bishounen du jour'" After sticking her tongue out at the stunned chef, she shrugged and said casually, "And those spots will be taken by Yaone and Goku. Respectively, of course."

The teasing end sentence was lost on almost everyone in the room as a high-pitched squeal of delight erupted unexpectedly from the purple-haired girl with the huge bow on the back of her funky outfit. After clapping her hands together joyously, Yaone began to bow rapidly to the goddess as she exclaimed, "Oh, thank you, your, um, uh, er, majesty!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

Everyone in the room gave her weird looks but before anyone could ask just why exactly this was such overwhelmingly good news, Goku's whoop of victory blasted them.

"Hot damn, YES!!!" Jumping to his feet and pointing to the now crestfallen Lirin, he taunted in return, "*I* get to watch them *make* as well as *eat* the dishes! I get to watch them make as well as eat the dishes! I get to--OUCH!! What'd you do *that* for, Sanzo?!?" He demanded angrily as he turned towards his guardian with confusion in his gigantic amber eyes as he rubbed his head.

Cheek twitching violently where a tic had formed that was going nuts even as a cluster of veins popped on his forehead, the blond growled, "Shut up, bakasaru!! You're giving me another damned migraine!!"

Abashed after being bashed, the monkey-boy calmed down and hung his head apologetically as he said, "I'm sorry, Sanzo. I'll be good now."

Shoving the well used OFP (tm) into a deep sleeve-pocket angrily, the sutra-bearer snarled, "See that you are!" Deciding that sounded too kind and far too out-of-character to allow, he added in a snarling tone, "Or I really *will* kill you next time, you worthless bottomless pit!"

Glad to hear the familiar words of forgiveness, Goku smiled at the violet-eyed man and apparently had an extra millisecond to process some information from earlier on and then asked the goddess in confusion, "But you said the spot was for a '*bishounen* du jour', didn't you? Why isn't that Sanzo, then?" Gazing admiringly at the blond who steadfastly refused to look back at him for fear of what he might find if he did, he added with a negligent shrug, "Or Hakkai? Or even that idiot kappa over there? They're all more 'bishounen' than I am."

On cue, Gojyo primped a bit and flashed a roguish grin that indicated he agreed fully, yet it was more that he thought his slightly embarrassed, green-eyed beau ought to have been given the honors rather than himself.

Tapping a long nail to her full lips which were smirking like there was no tomorrow, Kanzeon bosatsu replied archly, "Ah, perhaps they are at that, Goku, but I have better jobs in mind for them!" Pleased to see nervousness in emerald, ruby, and amethyst eyes, she added playfully, "After all, there are three wonderful positions still available that I just *know* they are perfect for!"

Deciding to take the place of spokesman for himself, his lover, and their putative leader, Hakkai inquired tentatively, "Um, and what would those be, oh Most Radiant One?" Catching an astounded look from Jirousin who'd never come up with that particular title, he reiterated his earlier statement regarding their lack of knowledge about the show by saying, "I'm afraid that none of us has seen the program before. How are we to fulfill any of the roles in the first place?"

"Oh, not to worry!" Kanzeon bosatsu smirked again in the manner that was *really* getting on everyone's nerves. "I'll implant the knowledge each of you needs before the cameras start rolling, Tenpou." Getting a lot of blank stares, she tried to remember what this incarnation's name was and changed it to, "Um, no. Er, Gonou, right?"

Sweat-dropping since he thought she'd have this straight by now, the brunette sighed and said, "My name is 'Hakkai'." The goddess grinned and nodded giving him permission to then ask, "What is my assignment? Oh, and if I may ask, is Hakuryu going to be here? I rather miss my darling dragon."

Double-checking her list, the lovely eternal smiled more gently and promised, "You'll get the answer to the last question soon enough, Hakkai. For now, though, just be satisfied with the knowledge that you're going to be the announcer for the show and will replace Fukui."

Shrugging since this meant nothing to him, the monocle-clad man agreed easily enough, "All right."

Yaone suppressed another squeal of delight since this meant she got to sit next to the handsome human-turned-youkai who some people thought she had a crush on but in actuality she just thought Hakkai was too sweet for words and she enjoyed his company greatly.

Clueless about the assignments yet not willing to remain ignorant, Gojyo tossed some of his long, blood red hair over one shoulder and called out, "Hey, good-lookin'! What ya got cookin' on your list for me, huh, sweet-thing?"

Pleased to see the infamous flirt was at top form which was something she'd counted on from the very beginning, the goddess replied without offense, "You're going to replace Ohta, Gojyo." Seeing the anticipated empty gaze in return, she explained, "See if you can put some of that natural charm of yours to work keeping track of what's in the rice cookers and ice cream makers, all right?"

Glancing at his lover and seeing an equivalent lack of understanding that this meant she'd deliberately paired them up as a team, he, too, shrugged, and said, "Sure thing, doll-face." Casting a look at Sanzo who was pretending he didn't care where he ended up on this crazy merry-go-round of a crossover, he asked, "Ah, that leaves just one of us needing a task. What's old sourpuss over there going to be doing? Sitting up there on the floor next to your throne peeling you grapes or something, beautiful?"

"Urusai! Shi-ne, bakayaro!!" Sanzo shouted angrily since he was no woman's sextoy even as he pulled his gun and fired a few rounds at Gojyo. The implements of doom missed, of course. The bullets ricocheted off some shiny metal pots and pans creating rather attractive cascades of sparks that might've fit the situation better if they'd been fired by a humanoid typhoon instead of a surly priest until the goddess flicked the ammunition out of existence with a negligent wave.

Laughing delightedly since the image of a sex-slave edition of the current incarnation of her rebellious nephew from centuries past appealed to her sadistic side, Kanzeon bosatsu shook her head and sent her long dark tresses dancing wildly about. With a smirk, she turned towards Kobe who was terribly unhappy that he was going to have to put up with the lanky redhead bugging him throughout the battle, and asked, "So, Kobe-baby, want to tell our trigger-happy holy man over there whose role is left?"

"Not really," the Iron Chef grumbled. Then, failing to see the hell that would follow the physical placement of the rangy blond in the seat next to the diminutive and rather hyperactive male guest star, Kobe said simply, "He'll take Doc Hattori's place, I presume. But I seriously doubt he's got the knowledge to be an expert commentator, though." This last remark was based on the fact that anyone as close to skin and bones as Sanzo was obviously didn't have a very good relationship with food in the first place.

As clueless about his fate as Hakkai and Gojyo were, Sanzo growled angrily at the goddess, "You are *not* sticking anything in *my* head so I can play your games, bitch!!" If he'd thought it would do even an ounce of good to point his Smith & Wesson at her he would have as he snarled, "And whatever this 'expert commentator' crap is about better not be anything *too* embarrassing. I am *not* going to be used for comedy relief here!"

Her laughter dropping down into the chortling range that always made his skin crawl since it foretold misery of one type or another, Kanzeon bosatsu replied with false hurt, "Oh? You don't want to be the source of amusement for tens of thousands of viewers worldwide?" Blinking her eyes with mocking faux-innocence, she added teasingly, "Golly, Sanzo, I never would've guessed!"

Kobe heaved a heavy sigh and tugged nervously at the hem of his tri-color chef's coat, wishing yet again that one of the other Iron Chefs had been selected for this bizarre situation. Muttering to himself, he complained, "Why couldn't Morimoto have been stuck here instead of me? He's got a big enough ego to cope with this crap."

"Beg pardon, Masa-chan?" [4] The goddess asked, deliberately using the man's childhood nickname hoping to keep him riled up and therefore more likely to give a passionate performance in Kitchen Stadium.

Taking the bait all too easily, the short human glared at her and repeated his earlier inquiry, "Why *me*?! Why not Morimoto? Or Chen? Or Sakai, even?!" Resisting the urge to stomp his foot in frustration, he pointed out what the celestial already knew, "They *all* have much more experience at this than I do! I'm sure one of them would give you a better battle than I can!"

Gazing at him with only a hint of compassion in her dark eyes, Kanzeon bosatsu asked in return, "Haven't you heard? All the regular cast members but you went to the hospital last week." Noting surprise and confusion in his onyx eyes, she continued, "After Battle Kim Chee they all came down with food poisoning. You're the only one available."

Shoulders slumped since he truly had no clue that had happened, Kobe shook his head and sighed, "I always knew I was missing something by only being on the summoning platform for a few of the battles." He frowned miserably and muttered, "I wish Chairman Kaga had made them add a fourth panel next to the others by now."

"But, Kobe-sama," Yaone asked a bit worriedly, crossing to him and dropping a hand lightly on his shoulder, "if he had, wouldn't that mean that *you* would be at home feeling sick right now, too?"

Keeping his head down and trying his best not to notice the ample bosom so close by or the fact that the attractive chemist smelled nice, rather like a freshly sliced peach straight from the orchard, Kobe said in a childlike voice, "Yes. That's it exactly." Lifting his eyes, he peered at the girl and sighed sadly before admitting, "But if you're one of the guests, miss, I'll give it my best shot anyway."

Smiling brightly at him and feeling as if things were already looking up, the lovely youkai said sweetly, "My name is 'Yaone', Kobe-sama. And I think you'll make wonderful things for us to eat no matter *what* the theme ingredient will be!"

Across the room quietly observant in a fashion a few people thought he couldn't be, a certain brawny youkai with a soft spot in his heart for the girl he considered a little sister, felt a small smile tug at the corners of his lips.

Turning to say something random as an excuse to gaze at his tall, virile, oh-so-yummy lover, Kougaiji saw the expression and whispered, "What's going on, Doku?" He cast a glance at where Yaone stood quite close to Kobe while the round-faced, boyish chef was wisely inquiring what kinds of foods she liked to eat since that might give him an edge in the voting, then he started smirking.

Small smile transforming into a goofy grin, Dokugakuji leaned down towards the much shorter youkai and whispered back, "I think Yaone's got a crush on the Iron Chef, Kou." [5]

"Oh, great! Just what we *don't* need!" the youkai prince sighed sarcastically. Then, with a bit less sarcasm and a lot more sympathy, he added, "Having her floating around and not thinking straight like that time she went after Sanzo's bunch on her own may cause us problems later."

"You've got a point there, Kou," Dokugakuji agreed then pleaded gently, "but let her have some fun, okay? I think she's awfully lonely chasing after your little sister all the time and not really getting to go out much or anything."

"Well, I'm not so sure…" Kougaiji hedged.

Surreptitiously running a finger down the back of the lavender tuxedo jacket promisingly yet careful to make sure no one was watching as it sank just that little bit too far down which received a wide-eyed response, the muscular youkai wheedled gently, "Please, lover? Give her a break for a change, okay, Kou?"

Fighting to act cool, calm, and collected--and losing the battle spectacularly!--the tri-tailed man agreed with a condition of his own, "All right, Doku. I won't interfere, however, *you* have to do me a favor in return."

Smirking slightly since sex always sells and he knew he had an avid customer, Dokugakuji replied in a deep, promisingly sensual rumble, "But of course, my liege." Slipping the fingertip back up and tracing his partner's spine as he went, he asked teasingly, "What type of favor might that be, Kou?"

Casting him a naked, hungry look, Kougaiji trembled slightly then said simply, "Scratch my back for me, would you?" Ignoring the flabbergasted expression on his partner's face, he added in a low whine, "I don't dare do it myself with *my* nails for fear that damned bitch has an 'Elvis-in-Vegas' costume waiting if I ruin this damned tuxedo and it's been driving me crazy!"

As the black-haired youkai tried diligently not to face-fault even as he went to work, across the room, Kobe was approaching Goku and Lirin intending to continue his information gathering, something Kanzeon bosatsu found highly amusing since it was all going to be irrelevant once the theme ingredient was revealed. Turning her royal head towards the two youkai lovers who weren't half as subtle as they thought they were, she asked, "By the by, Kou-Kaga-sama," she smirked since she liked that nickname and he obviously didn't, "do you like yellow bell peppers?"

Writhing against the firm hand on his back that was indeed getting rid of a certain itch caused by the constricting fabric while also being oddly arousing, Kougaiji gave her an inquiring gaze and asked in return, "You don't mean you intend to make me…?!" His words trailed off since he simply couldn't imagine himself doing the famous opening sequence where the Chairman of the Gourmet Academy strides out and gives Kitchen stadium a once over as an excuse for the camera to pan across it prior to biting into a pepper sexily.

With her smirk darkening and picking up a hint of malicious mischief, Kanzeon bosatsu nodded slowly and it was all she could do to keep from falling apart laughing as Kougaiji's shoulders slumped in defeat. Sizing up the opportunity to further amuse herself at his expense, she added, "You can always pick another vegetable to munch on for the opening." Slight hope entered his dark red eyes that vanished almost instantaneously as she suggested while gazing openly at Dokugakuji, "Oh, say, like a nice, long, hard, thick, *big* carrot? Like this one?" She magically brandished from midair an orange, disturbingly phallic vegetable which was much bigger around than any normal one ever was and quite lengthy, too.

This time it was the taller youkai's turn to blush and there really wasn't any way to avoid the goddess' innuendo.

Kougaiji decided he'd had more than enough and fought fire with fire by gazing at his drop dead gorgeous second-in-command lingeringly and then remarked in a casual tone, "If that's where you're headed with it, that carrot won't work. Too small. Maybe a daikon instead?" [6]

If the earth could've opened up and swallowed him whole, Dokugakuji would've been a lot happier than he was as the goddess burst into laughter and while wiping an amused tear from one eye, she admitted defeat, "All right, all right! I won't make you perform any faux-fellatio after all, Kougaiji. Just go pick out something from the ingredients to hold or whatever and let's get this show on the road!"

Kobe glanced over from where he was jotting the thirty-third thing Goku listed as one of his favorite foods and asked nervously, "Um, what about filling everyone in on their tasks, witch? If this nightmare is going to continue, you need to 'educate' some of the participants."

"Ah, right you are, Masa-doll!" Kanzeon bosatsu lifted a hand and was about to magically distribute knowledge all around when a snarl from a blond who knew she'd pretend to forget to leave him out of it interrupted her.

Sanzo, not amused by any of this yet knowing there was no way to escape or Dokugakuji would've taken it by now following all that hentai insinuation moments before, growled darkly, "Leave me out of it, bitch. Like I said, scramble these other fools' minds all you like, but stay the hell out of *mine*!"

"Oh, don't get your knickers in a knot about it, blondie!" The goddess snapped back already wondering if it wasn't too late to switch Sanzo with a certain manacle-clad celestial with a chip on his sexy shoulder but decided against it since it was just too much fun to annoy the gun-toting priest at times. With a wave of a long-nailed hand, she announced, "Everybody that *doesn't* have a stick up their ass, pay attention! Here's the way the game is played!"

The air in the studio crackled with energy and as what looked remarkably like CGI special effects stolen from a mecha anime rippled out from her index finger, all of the Saiyuki characters but Sanzo had incredibly blank expressions for a moment that were then replaced with knowing ones.

Blinking in amazement as he became aware of his duties for the first time, Hakkai commented, "I'm replacing a sports announcer? [7] Who knew?"

Standing close beside his lover where he'd stationed himself earlier so they could enjoy the show between his brother and Kougaiji, Gojyo started laughing and said, "Well, KB, you picked the right guy for *my* job!" Striking a dynamic pose, he added by way of explanation with only a modicum of sarcasm, "You need a real man of action to get all those crucial floor interviews!"

Goku laughed outright in response to this and remarked playfully, "Oh, yeah, kappa, that's you all right! A regular Jackie Chan, for sure!"

"Oi, bakasaru!" Gojyo huffed in annoyance, "Keeping track of what's going on is a ton more important than sitting there making inane comments and doing your level best not to bore everybody to death!"

"Anou, Gojyo," Hakkai spoke almost hesitantly, then, with a tiny smile barely touching the corners of his lips, he asked, "Do you think we'll be able to work together half as well as Fukui and Ohta usually do? The audience will be counting on us."

Draping an adoring arm around his lover's shoulder and giving the brunette a wink, Gojyo replied, "You betcha, babe! Wait and see, 'Kai! We'll dazzle 'em!"

Little smile growing since Gojyo could make almost anything sound seductive when he wanted to, Hakkai replied with a nod and answered, "Good." He considered mentioning they could celebrate a successful effort privately later, but that thought only brought a wave of color to his cheeks he didn't want and so he distracted himself by glancing at Sanzo who was scowling mightily. Nervously he asked, "Sanzo? Is something the matter?"

Annoyed that now everyone knew what was going on while he had remained deliberately ignorant, Sanzo groused, "No, of course not! Why should there be?" Looking away from his traveling companions, he spotted Kougaiji taste-testing several varieties of grapes while choosing an ingredient for the opening. With a soft snort of derision, he assumed the fruits were sour and didn't say anything else.

Standing next to Lirin who was being amazingly well behaved, Yaone spoke up and asked nervously, "Um, might I ask for a favor, uh, what's your name, ma'am?"

Kanzeon bosatsu made an unpleasant face and said, "Don't call me that, it makes me sound old." The eternal who was as the saying goes, older than the hills all the same, then explained with a sigh, "Why don't you call me 'KB' like that red-antennaed cockroach over there did? It sounds more like a television producer's name anyway."

Nodding and bowing slightly, Yaone agreed, "All right, KB. What I wondered was if I could wear something else instead of my usual outfit? The ladies on this show always wear such stylish things."

Shrugging and not really caring one way or the other, the goddess replied, "Why not? There ought to be some dresses backstage to pick from. Knock yourself out!"

Beaming, Yaone bowed again and said, "Oh, thank you!!" She gestured for Lirin to come with her as she prepared to go look for a more suitable outfit.

"Hold on a second," Kanzeon bosatsu called out before the two lovely youkai lasses could leave. "Does anyone else want to change? Other than you, Kou-Kaga-sama!" The expression of disappointment on his face was predictable therefore she found little delight in it.

While glancing at each other, the rest of those assembled mumbled various negative responses and it was decided that the remaining Saiyuki characters would wear their usual attire and that was that.

Once Yaone and Lirin headed off backstage, the regular production crew began to arrive in Kitchen Stadium somewhat hesitantly and Jirousin finally came out of hiding to guide them all as per his mistress' orders. Camera crews set up in their usual places for the most part and as the audio technicians checked their equipment, Kougaiji said his good-byes to Dokugakuji who then went off to baby-sit Lirin for awhile, not an inconsequential task by any means.

The Iron Chef selected a luscious ripe tomato to hold grandly as always then hung his head like a condemned man as he headed towards the currently non-elevated platform which would bring him onstage at the right moment.

Kobe absently noted that his usual string ensemble wasn't awaiting him but there was a group of decidedly bishounen J-rockers set up in their place. A cute scarlet-haired guitarist beamed at him as did a glamorous cross-dressed bassist though most of the smile was lost in the cascade of lustrous golden hair that also covered one eye. A drummer was busy arguing loudly with an icy-eyed vocalist who seemed content to let the russet-haired man talk himself in circles even as a strikingly handsome former Noh performer sighed tiredly and tried to keep the peace. Honestly, the things an up-and-coming band had to do for promotion these days.

Even as his lover arranged himself at the announcer's spot at the four person desk, Gojyo nosed around making himself familiar with various locations within the studio and stealing a bottle of wine for later since great minds think alike. Or at least hentai ones do.

Yaone soon took her spot next to Hakkai who offered her a compliment on the flowing sakura pink, tea-length gown she'd selected from the dresses available. She seemed to glow with contentment even as she pondered what the Iron Chef himself might think of it.

Goku was more than happy to plop down into the chair next to Yaone, but he pouted a little when Sanzo was slow to join them due to his obstinate insistence on ignorance.

The priest who was now studiously avoiding any more Aesop's fables references finally caught a clue when the others seated together gestured towards the empty seat reserved for the expert commentator. With a snort of annoyance, Sanzo took his spot, pulled out an out-of-date newspaper since he hadn't gotten a chance to get a new one recently, put on his cute little wire-framed reading glasses, and ignored the proceedings as best he could.

Now that everyone involved was assembled, Kanzeon bosatsu gave the order for the assorted opening shots to be filmed.

As the soaring strains of the Backdraft soundtrack filled the air, Kougaiji stepped dramatically into full view and whether he knew it or not, under the circumstances he actually looked damn good all dressed up in an old costume leftover from Prince. The usual routine was followed and after the requisite panning across expensive ingredients and equally expensive serving ware, the first two moments of truth arrived.

At the point where Chairman Kaga always selected a yellow bell pepper, the youkai prince snagged an overly large, bright red strawberry of all things, turned it tip side up thereby reminding everyone of the carrot vs. daikon discussion, and bit into it sensuously. A low bass moan rumbled from backstage proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that a certain muscular youkai had access to a monitor.

Kanzeon bosatsu and Kougaiji both chuckled darkly after that and they finished filming the assorted opening sequences without further difficulty.

Since it was part of Fukui's duties, Hakkai took care of reading the usual introduction to the program's concept and approach prior to the challenger's bio and ended with, "What inspiration will the challenger bring? And how will the Iron Chef fight back?" Getting an actual smile of encouragement from the goddess-cum-producer he added the traditional lead-in to the first images of the challenger with more enthusiasm than he might've had ordinarily, "The heat will be on!"

While Kougaiji frowned a little since he was having difficulty reading the teleprompter which he was to be using soon, an image of the obviously female challenger appeared on the studio's monitors and four voices were immediately raised in reaction. [8]

"What the *hell*?!" Sanzo spluttered not pleased in the least since if this particular girl was there someone else might be, too, and he really didn't want to see said someone else.

"But I thought she was *dead*?!" Gojyo's expression was half-fearful for reasons that would become obvious later as well as half-pleased for others.

"Oh my. I never would have guessed *she* would be selected!" Hakkai's neutral façade vanished entirely and was replaced by a strangely hesitant anticipation.

"Yatta!!! I *loved* her cooking!!" Goku shouted delightedly then sprang to his feet and pumped a fist in the air to show just how elated he really was.

A terribly smug goddess watched as Kougaiji looked at Yaone and shrugged since neither of them had any clue what was going on.

Silence fell over Kitchen Stadium ever so briefly as if the revelation of the challenger's identity had taken everyone's breath away. The peace would last only a moment, however, and then all hell would indeed break loose as Jirousin already knew that it would. Granted, this wasn't half the shock that unveiling the utterly unexpected theme ingredient would be, but all in good time.

Mayhem rushed is mayhem spoiled, the godling knew with a cold, unsettling certainty.

*****

To be continued.

Author's Exhaustive and Occasionally Humorous Notes:

[1] Just a point of clarification for the "Iron Chef" aficionados out there, the number of guests on the panel for this battle is as per the Kobe-era ones as opposed to way back when there was no Iron Chef Italian at all. Also, a few minor liberties will be taken as to who says what within the show and the sequence of filming, but this *is* a parody and if a few liberties weren't taken, it wouldn't be any fun, now would it? Oh, and regarding wording quoted from the show, unfortunately I don't have any other translations of the original Japanese beyond the English language version shown on Food Network, but since it's so campy and fun, I hope everybody enjoys it here.

[2] All right, this is a totally random observation, but it just hit me that poor Kougaiji is rather Cinderella-ish, isn't he? He's got an evil stepmother that makes him do all kinds of nasty chores--you know, like chasing Sanzo and company all over creation--plus one heck of a Prince Charming in the form of Dokugakuji who definitely rescues him from time to time. Thank goodness I'm far too busy to write "Cinder-Kou", ne? {wink}

[3] For further details on said attributes, see "Happy Birthday, Baby" available for your reading pleasure at MediaMiner.org. Um, well, it's available *if* you're of legal age to read NC-17 rated material, that is. {sweat-drop}

[4] Strangely enough, I did *not* make up the nickname used for our Iron Chef Italian here! He talked about it in an interview in the "Official Iron Chef Book" and I couldn't resist adding it here since the image of a chibi-Kobe is too kawaii for words!

[5] Have you ever noticed how drastic the height difference is between these two? It makes the whole "Dokugakuji carries a wounded Kougaiji cradled in his arms" bit in the anime all the more precious, though.

{pauses, pants for breath then goes on}

[6] For those of you unfamiliar with this ingredient, it's an absolutely *huge* Japanese radish frequently four or five inches in diameter and up to two feet in length. Gee, I rather hope Kougaiji was using hyperbole there, don't you? And for those of you who wondered, yes, that was the type of vegetable that Kobe once beat the daylights out of an octopus with and it was that scene which indirectly inspired this insanity.

[7] Yes, believe it or not, our beloved Fukui-san is primarily a sports announcer and he was instructed to give the show a "boxing match" style of presentation, something he was able to do despite having virtually no knowledge of cooking to begin with. He also said in an interview that the only time he was on the tasting panel he didn't enjoy the food but blamed his own unsophisticated palate instead of admitting some of those strange concoctions are just too weird for normal people.

[8] Can *you* guess who the challenger is?! I hope so based on our heroes' reactions to her, but if not, stay tuned! You'll find out at the very start of chapter 3, coming soon!

[Chapter Dedication] This evening's installment of madness and innuendo is hereby dedicated to a dear friend to whom I owe a million-and-eight pieces of email: Yanagi-sen! She sent the cutest review for the first chapter and when she said the following regarding poor Kougaiji's lavender tuxedo, I fell apart laughing since this was exactly the reaction that I'd hoped for: "AAAAAAIIIIEEEEE!!!!! *cringes in horror* What is the fascination with putting redheads in purple?!!! It is a major color no-no… redheads do NOT wear purple!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't get me started on 'orange'."

{snickers happily, then sighs} I have the grandest friends, don't I? {makes plans to write to Yanagi ASAP and then vanishes guiltily after letting these author's notes grow like kudzu on an old Buick}

Please be advised: Part 2 will be posted alone, which is a darned good thing because it was too long as it was! By the way, if you enjoyed this nonsense please consider leaving an uplifting review here since there aren't any comments yet. Even if it only says "More, please!" my muses will be made happier by it and they might get the next chapter done more quickly for you.