Gensomaden Saiyuki Fan Fiction ❯ Truly Madly Deeply 4Ever ❯ HisGod, My God ( Chapter 3 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

In which the worldly priest and his band of renegades wreak havoc on a secluded temple, and show the monks their brand of �enlightenment�. XD

Anime/Manga: Gensomaden Saiyuki Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Shounen / Romance / Comedy | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 09.29.2006 | Pages: 12 | Words: 8.3K | Visits: 511 | Status: Work In Progress

September 25, 2006

iii. His God, My God

In which the worldly priest and his band of renegades wreak havoc on a secluded temple, and show the monks their brand of “enlightenment”. XD

“Grrr… why can't you transform into something besides a jeep, ya useless dragon!” Goku grumbles, shaking his fist at poor Hakuryu after losing yet again at rock-paper-scissors. He drags their gear behind him once more, glaring at the smug grin on the kappa's face.

“What the heck is IN here, anyway?!” the boy complains. “We never change our clothes, Sanzo keeps all his stuff in his robes, and all the erogappa ever carries are his stinking cigarettes and a bottle of vanilla!”

“OI! How did you know about—“

“What else could I possibly be sweating my butt off dragging uselessly along???” Goku wails, ignoring Gojyo.

“Ahaha. What else, indeed?” Hakkai smiles. “Tell you what, Goku. You can just leave our bags behind, if you want.”

“Seriously?” Goku stops, letting go of his burdens.

“Seriously.” Hakkai nods. “After all, all they contain are your cookies and soda and chips and chocolate bars and pop tarts and jelly doughnuts and rice balls and S'mores and ramen noodles and pork buns anyway.” The healer grins beatifically. “Plus my mahjong set.”

Goku grimaces, and shoulders their packs with renewed energy.

“Oh!” Hakkai holds up his index finger. “And maybe a couple six-packs of beer for the rest of us,” he adds belatedly. “Not to mention two or three mysterious things Gojyo keeps in the very corners…”

Sanzo looks at Gojyo suspiciously. Gojyo only gives a sheepish grin. “You never know… we might come across an inn with beta or VHS… Hehehe…”

“Baka…” the monk snorts. “We'll be lucky if we can find a place to stay before we get through these damn mountains.”

“How bout trying that place?”

The ikkou pause and follow Hakkai's gaze, up at the imposing façade of Inayama Temple.

“I dunno… The last time we tried that, they shot arrows at us…” Gojyo mutters, eyeing the building darkly.

“That's coz you and Sanzo make unholy embarrassing noises and keep people awake all night!” Goku derides.

“Oh yeah?!? How about your reputation for eating people out of house and home, bakazaru? Huh? HUH???”

“Now, now, boys—“

Gojyo and Goku turn and glare at Hakkai. “And they rejected us last time coz of you, too,” Goku accuses.

“Yeah, you're known as a compulsive neat freak!” Gojyo agrees.

Hakkai sighs, and shakes his head.

But Sanzo pulls out the Fan of Doom, even knowing it has no power to knock any sense into the two idiots.

“That hasn't happened yet!”

*THWAK* (“OOOWWWWW!!!!”)

“We're still in the Gensomaden timeline!”

*THWAK* (“Dammit, that stings, baby!”)

“You're talking about Reload!”

THWAK-THWAK!

“Don't you know it's a crime to give away spoilers?!” the monk hisses.

Gojyo and Goku rub their sore noggins.

“It was a teaser, buttercup… a sneak preview.”

“Yeah, like a movie trailer…”

“Besides, isn't this series written backwards anyway?”

“URUSEI!!!”

Meanwhile, Hakkai has succeeded in calling the attention of a couple of monks sneaking a cigarette on the balcony.

The monks shake their heads. “None but the holy are allowed to enter this temple.”

“Er…” Goku bites his lip uncertainly.

“Hm…” Hakkai ponders seriously.

And Gojyo grabs Sanzo and holds on for dear life. “You don't know what you're asking of me! There's no way I can leave my baby out in the cold like that!” he cries passionately, while the other two choke and snort.

Twitch.

“That's right, it's not fair to single Sanzo out and let the rest of us in. Perhaps you can make an exception this one time…” Hakkai suggests merrily.

TWITCH.

“Yeah, no way we're abandoning our leader like that!” Goku adds stoutly, although his declaration of loyalty is belied by the huge grin splitting his face.

“Verrrry funny…” Sanzo mumbles against Gojyo's collar, powerless to punish anyone since he is literally rendered immobile by the kappa's fierce grip.

The kappa blinks, confused. “But I really mean it - you know I can't breathe if you're not beside me…”

The monks scratch their heads, and shrug at each other. “Fine, we'll open the gate. Just don't tell on us, okay?” they whisper conspirationally, quickly disposing of their cigarettes.

Goku gives them a thumbs-up and a happy grin as the ikkou pass through the gates, Gojyo still keeping a tight hold of an exasperated, suffocating Sanzo.

The head monk stammers his apologies to the Exalted Priest Sanzo, fawning over him and his late Master; while said VIP inquires discreetly if the temple has a cat.

Gojyo wears a curious look, and asks Hakkai about the head monk's highfaluting praises of his sweetie-pie.

Hakkai looks askance at Gojyo. “Ah? I thought you knew him well?”

Goku snorts.

Gojyo grins wolfishly. “I know him intimately. Y'know… carnal knowledge…” *wink-wink*

“Sha GOJ-yo!!!” Hakkai hisses, scandalized. “I don't think these monks are that enlightened…” he scolds, glancing furtively around. But a nearby monk reassures him.

“Oh, no. Sanzo Houshi-sama is world famous; and even here in our humble place we have heard of him and his rogue lover.”

“Hah.” Gojyo folds his arms smugly, preening like a peacock.

The monk turns to Goku. “That's you, right?” he beams.

Goku recoils, nose wrinkled, looking extremely insulted, while Hakkai holds back a red-faced Gojyo, nearly choking in his outrage. (“How dare you, baldie!!!”)

“You're talking of a different fandom,” Goku informs the puzzled monk. “Befanini only writes 353.”

“DAMN RIGHT!!!” Gojyo roars, frustrated.

TWITCH.

“Ah…” the monk sweatdrops. “My mistake, do forgive me. You must be his pupils, then…”

“No.” Sanzo interjects coldly.

“Yeah, you set him straight, tenshi!” Gojyo calls approvingly, laboring under the delusion that Sanzo is about to declare that the kappa is his sweetie-pie.

Sanzo adopts a blank expression. “They're my slaves,” he deadpans.

“Grrr… I'll kill `im!” Goku pounces, only to be held back by Hakkai.

“Yes, yes, just play along,” Hakkai murmurs with a false smile, as he restrains both the monkey and the kappa.

“Let go, `Kai!” Gojyo protests, not struggling at all. Hakkai blinks at him, wondering at his calm demeanor. If anything, the kappa looks dreamy and content.

Gojyo sighs in answer to Hakkai's puzzled look. “It's the truth. I AM his love slave…” he murmurs happily.

“Oh, shut up!” Goku scowls crossly.

The ikkou are presented with the best room, and Goku eats to his heart's content, even if the fare is vegetarian.

“And it's all thanks to Sanzo…” Goku sighs, patting his full tummy contentedly, unaware that he's more bloated than anything else.

Gojyo, seated beside Sanzo, leans close and purrs in the blond's ear. “Mmm… and I know just how to repay you… What do you desire of your slave, angel?”

Sanzo grasps the kappa's chin and nips sharply at the generous lower lip. “Behave yourself, baka.”

A cute little guy enters bearing a tray of tea, eager as a puppy.

“Yo, dude,” Goku greets him with a friendly smile.

The kid gapes. “Yes, that is my name!” he exclaims, astonished.

“No, really?!”

The boy nods vigorously.

Goku shakes his head. “That is so weird! I've never met anyone named Dude before!”

The boy laughs. “My name is Yo.”

Goku laughs too, tickled beyond words. “In that case - Yo, Yo!”

Sanzo raises his eyebrows at Hakkai. “I thought you said you were making progress improving his vocabulary?”

The green-eyed demon winces. “I blame television.”

Gojyo mutters to himself. “I ask for a chick, and they send this prick…”

Yo gasps. “How vile! Women are forbidden inside this temple!” He turns to his idol. “Isn't that right, Priest Sanzo?”

But the purple eyes are busy glaring daggers at the kappa.

“Women are forbidden, period!!!” Sanzo hisses, moving swiftly to pummel the mischievous kappa. “Monogamy or death—!!!”

“You're so HOT when you're all jealous and possessive, you know that?” Gojyo growls happily, crushing the struggling, spitting blond in a bear hug. “Sweetie-pie… buttercup…”

Grin. *kiss, kiss*

TWITCH. *bite*

“Ow!”

Yo goggles, jaw dropping.

Hakkai laughs weakly, massaging his temples. “Ahaha…”

“Still think he's so special?” Goku snickers to the flabbergasted Yo.

Yo snaps his mouth shut, and looks at Goku in disbelief. “Of course!” he gushes. “He is chosen by Buddha Himself! His is the highest existence in all of Buddhism!” Yo sighs like a groupie and makes cow eyes at Sanzo. He touches his idol's sleeve reverently. “You're my inspiration…” he declares earnestly.

Gojyo bares his teeth.

Yo snatches his hand back just in time, and the kappa ends up with a mouthful of Sanzo's robes.

THWAK!

“But San-chan!” the kappa wails. “You're nobody's inspiration but mine! MINE alone!!!” He glares at the pouting Yo.

“Feh,” Sanzo snorts. “Have a swig of your own medicine, baka. Tastes sweet, doesn't it?” he sneers into his lover's face.

“But—but…!” Gojyo sputters, as Sanzo raises mocking golden eyebrows and stares haughtily down his nose at his taller lover.

Yo gazes starry-eyed at the magnificent dignity of the legendary rogue priest putting his lover in his place. Gojyo crumbles, naturally, and Yo sighs with delight at the sight. Goku notices, and rolls his eyes. “Oh, please. One fawning, simpering idiot is all I can stomach, thank you very much…”

After Gojyo debases himself and declares himself a dog, Sanzo forgives him, with several sweet kisses.

“If he were really a dog, Sanzo, I don't think you'd find it as thrilling kissing him on the mouth,” Hakkai comments with an amused smile, after they all settle down at the table to play mahjong.

Goku sniggers. “If the kappa were a dog, I'd feed him nothing but leftovers, and keep him locked up when he annoys me.”

“Yeah?!” Gojyo retorts. “Well you're a stupid MONKEY, and no IFS about it!” he glares. “More than that, I'd starve to death, since there never are any leftovers when you're around, you glutton!”

Goku sticks his tongue out.

Hakkai continues animatedly. “The most Gojyo would get would be a pat on the head, and a `good doggie'… Although knowing you, Sanzo, you'd probably get him to fetch your newspaper,” he reflects, getting carried away. “Well, why not? You've already got him perfectly trained, no need to send him off to obedience school…”

“That's debatable,” Sanzo drawls lazily, lighting up a smoke.

“And YOU, Mister Wise-Ass, are a pig!” Gojyo explodes, lunging at the gleeful Hakkai. He gets nipped by sharp dragon teeth before he can do anything; so he turns to vent his irritation out on the monkey instead.

Sanzo calmly reaches out and scratches behind Gojyo's ear, and the kappa melts like butter, not even caring when his tormentors howl with laughter.

“I'm your pet, and I don't deny it,” Gojyo declares unashamedly, settling himself into Sanzo's lap. He sighs with bliss as Sanzo wraps ivory arms around him and rains kisses on his face.

“Yes, you are…” the blond agrees possessively. “And you're my baby, and my love slave, and my sweetie-pie, and my—“

“And your mahjong opponent, so quit the sappy lovey-dovey crap and let's play!” Goku cuts in impatiently.

Reluctantly, the lovers quit canoodling and settle down to their places once more.

“And no secret signals to each other, either,” Hakkai warns with a deceptively bright smile. “I've figured out how you two cheat, don't you know…”

“Pooh.”

“Hn.”

After a few minutes, the four of them are totally engrossed in the game, surrounded by their usual accouterments.

So when Yo enters to humbly ask the esteemed Priest Sanzo for his autograph, the poor boy suffers a nervous breakdown. He looks wildly around, from the cigarette dangling from his idol's lips, to the two dozen or so cans of beer, to Hakkai triumphantly plunking down his winning mahjong tile, to Goku's meat buns and beef jerky.

“Yo, it's the mini-monk again!” Gojyo exclaims, and he turns to squint at Sanzo. “Yup…” he sighs. “I can just picture you as a pretty li'l thing, wearing the same mini-monk outfit…” He squeezes Sanzo's cheeks. “Sooooooooo kawaii!” Gojyo chuckles, lost in his daydreams. “Makes me wanna glomp you…” he declares with a wild gleam in his eye.

“That hurts, idiot!” Sanzo winces, pulling away from the tanned fingers pinching his cheeks.

“Oops! Sorry, baby, sorry…” *smooch, smooch*

A piercing shriek distracts them, as Gojyo's secrets come tumbling out of the bag. The video tapes bear the titles “The Kappa And The Priest Part 11”,” 353 4-Ever”, “Amethyst Slash Ruby” and “53X”, and all feature a close-up, heart-shaped picture of Gojyo and Sanzo staring into each other's eyes with silly grins on their faces.

“Yare yare…” Hakkai tuts. “If those ever got out on the Internet… Haven't you heard of the latest scandal involving Tiger Woods?!”

Meanwhile, Goku tries to placate the hysterical Yo. “Dude, Yo, calm down! Here, have a pork bun…” he offers generously, waving the aromatic treat temptingly before Yo's face.

The boy freezes, and runs screaming from the room.

“But they're all harmless, innocent, romantic moments!” Gojyo protests. “Just kisses and cuddles and sweet nothings…”

“Huh?”

“'Ch,” Sanzo snorts at Hakkai's bewilderment. “This parody is rated PG-13, remember?”

“Oh.”

The monks confiscate everything, with many disapproving looks and low mutters. With a long-suffering sigh, Sanzo leaves to make amends and get back Gojyo's precious mementos. He starts by posing for a keepsake with Yo, who is quite happy to forgive and forget as long as he gets his picture taken with the Great Genjo Sanzo.

Hakkai is appointed pet sitter.

“Beeeeeeef… poooork… chicken…. fish…” Goku babbles, golden eyes blank, feeling lost without his security blanket of stashed food.

“Booze… smokes… Sanzoooooo…” Gojyo chants, ruby eyes glazed, and already gasping for air.

Hakkai grimaces. “You two are just clumps of carnality, aren't you…”

“Kyuuuuuuuu…” Hakuryu chirps, not wanting to be left out.

“Very funny, Hakuryu.” Hakkai chucks the dragon under its chin.

Gojyo fans himself futilely. “What's taking him so damn long!” he grumbles, hyperventilating.

His desperate gasps only serve to irritate Goku even more.

“You were the one who sent Sanzo off to get back your silly mushy love tapes!” Goku growls. “So quit acting like a drowning jellyfish and leave the rest of us some air!”

“Ah, bite me!” Gojyo snaps.

Goku makes a face. “I'd rather starve, thanks,” he mutters, taking the kappa's words literally. “I'll never get what Sanzo finds so mouth-watering about an overgrown cockroach, anyway…”

But with those words, Goku has lost his sparring partner as Gojyo gets distracted, groaning at the mention of his Sanzo-chan drooling over him. The kappa contents himself with hugging Sanzo's pillow in the meantime.

With his taunting bait ignored, the frustrated Goku starts quibbling with the dragon instead.

Hakkai shakes out Sanzo's newspaper and hides behind it, thoroughly fed up.

“C'mon, Genjo Sanzo!” the demon calls. “I've had my fill of monks and I'm ready for tastier fare!”

BONK!

The assassin sees stars, courtesy of the kappa's boot.

“You WISH!!!” Gojyo screeches, still a nervous wreck since Sanzo hasn't returned yet. “Only I get to taste Genjo Sanzo!”

BIFF! BASH! CR—RACK!

“Mercy, mercy!!!” the poor demon begs, trying to shield himself from the redhead's furious blows. But Gojyo has found a very therapeutic outlet for his withdrawal symptoms, and even refuses to let Goku vent his own ire.

“Darn it, kappa, leave some for me!” Goku insists, trying to elbow Gojyo aside. A minor scuffle breaks out between them, giving the assassin a bit of a breather.

Just a tiny bit though, for Cho Hakkai steps up next, cracking his knuckles and smiling innocuously down at the cowering demon. The smile alone is enough to terrify him.

“N—noooo… T-time out…!”

“Let's see…” Hakkai ponders for a split second. “Nope, I don't think so. Fair is fair - you didn't heed the poor monks' pleas for their lives, so why should I heed yours?”

“Um, because you're a mild-mannered man with a gentle face and sad green eyes?”

Hakkai laughs. “You're mistaking me for Louis de Pointe du Lac, I think.”

The demon blinks. “Who?”

“You know - Lestat's lover. Oh, nevermind.” And Hakkai proceeds to dislocate the thug's shoulder.

“YAAARRGHGHGHHHHH!!!”

Sanzo appears, and promptly gets heartburn from all the commotion. The demon spies him, and launches himself at the young priest with his last strength.

He launches himself behind Sanzo, blubbering and wringing his hands. “SAVE me, O legendary Sanzo Houshi-sama! Your companions are utter raving lunatics!!!”

Gojyo sees red, and charges like a seriously pissed bull.

But his sweetie-pie is even more pissed, and whips out the banishing gun swiftly, leveling it between the youkai's terrified eyes.

“Do you know how difficult it was to hush up all the brouhaha with the head monk?!” Sanzo spits. “And here I find you've gone and left me with an even bigger mess to clean up, dammit!”

“My meat buns!” Goku interrupts excitedly. “Did you get my jerky, too?”

Sanzo ignores him, as he drawls coldly to the assassin. “You only get one continue, buddy.”

“E-even with Gameshark codes?!” the demon squeaks desperately.

BANG!

“Game over,” Sanzo drawls, spinning the gun impressively. But the cool pose is ruined by Gojyo, who hauls Sanzo into his arms hungrily and buries his face in the monk's nape, breathing deep.

“Way to snatch the prime hit, you greedy bastard. I was doing fine without ya,” Gojyo mutters against his throat, squeezing the blond against him.

Sanzo shrugs away before he suffocates. “I could tell,” he drawls mockingly.

“But I was, sweets! I really beat him up bad!”

“I meant your withdrawal symptoms, baka.”

“Oh that. Heh. I forgot about that, I was so angry at the bastard…”

“You mean you were greedy as always you darn cockroach!” Goku accuses hotly, not having had a chance to get a kick in.

“At least I stopped wheezing, bakazaru! Weren't you whining endlessly about it?! Couldn't you at least be grateful for that?!” Gojyo abandons Sanzo and faces Goku, bending his knees so they are snarling at each other nose-to-nose.

“Grrrrrrrrrr….”

“Oh?” Sanzo murmurs softly.

Hakkai rolls his eyes. “E-HEM!” he coughs loudly. Gojyo turns with a curious look, and Hakkai motions silently to the pouting blond.

“You stopped gasping for air? Seriously?” Sanzo now asks quietly. “I guess that must mean you're cured, then…”

Gojyo turns to jelly and rushes back to Sanzo, hugging him tight and showering him with crazed kisses. “So sweet… Don't worry baby, I'll always be addicted to you!”

“Gojyo…!”

“Sanzo…”

Abandoned once again in the middle of a quarrel, Goku stomps off in search of his food.

Hakkai shakes his head. “Well, I suppose it falls to me to perform damage control as usual…” he sighs, as he turns to face the shell-shocked Yo and his fellow lost-looking monks.

The Sanzo-ikkou prepare to depart.

“Priest Sanzo…” Yo ventures shyly, eyes sparkling with hero-worship. “Do you think, after your journey is ended… that you could visit us again?” Yo bows bashfully before the keen scrutiny of commanding purple eyes. “I… I'd really like it if you could teach me how to play mahjong…”

“We'll see,” Genjo Sanzo replies with a rare smile, leaving Yo utterly delighted.

“I'm gonna grow my hair out just like you, too!” the kid beams.

Sanzo winces. “Don't bother on my account…”

Gojyo observes the exchange intently, and sighs softly as he once more imagines his corrupt priest as a cute mini-monk. The very idea makes him positively giddy, and leaves him with the overwhelming longing for a pretty little Sanzo.

“Ne, Sanzo-chan…” he murmurs, as the ikkou walk off. He drapes an arm around Sanzo's shoulders.

“Nn?”

Gojyo bends down to whisper in the blond's ear. “I… I want to have your baby.”

THWAK!

“Owww…”

“What's the matter now?” Hakkai asks, as Gojyo glares at his lover, and then jams his hands in his pockets with a sulky air.

“Don't ask. Just don't.” Sanzo bites out, cheeks pink.

“By the way, Sanzo, how did you convince them to give our stuff back?” Goku wonders curiously, as he happily carries their bags without a grumble.

“Easy,” the monk snorts. “They're strict vegetarians, baka. They were more than happy to give back your almighty stash.”

“What about Gojyo's home video tapes? I presume they didn't want such sacrilegious fluff desecrating their temple, ne?” Hakkai grins.

“Hn.”

“Hey! But my doughnuts and jelly beans - don't tell me they weren't tempted?” Goku exclaims in disbelief, as he helps himself to each.

“Ah, now the sweets did have a price,” Sanzo concedes, firmly pulling Gojyo back to his side with a reproving look, and tucking a hand possessively inside one of the kappa's back pockets. Gojyo breaks into a satisfied grin.

Hakkai gasps. “No.”

Sanzo grimaces. “Yes. Sorry.”

“NOT my mahjong set!!!” Hakkai almost wails.

“Why else do you think that silly kid made such a request?”