Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ Addiction, Salvation and Yuki ❯ Addiction, Salvation and Yuki ( Chapter 1 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: BakaYasha 
This fiction contains rape, Drug use and abuse as well as some strong language and stuff that might disturb or offend some people.
Anime/Manga: Gravitation Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 11.06.2005 | Updated On: 01.08.2006 | Pages: 3 | Words: 7.3K | Visits: 821 | Status: Completed
This fiction contains rape, Drug use and abuse as well as some strong language and stuff that might disturb or offend some people.
Anime/Manga: Gravitation Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 11.06.2005 | Updated On: 01.08.2006 | Pages: 3 | Words: 7.3K | Visits: 821 | Status: Completed
WARNING: This fiction contains rape, Drug use and abuse as well as some strong language and stuff that might disturb or offend some people.
Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
It was a stupid binge, just the occasional thing at first. It picked me up when I was down, made me soar again. I could be going nowhere and everywhere all at once and I loved it. It took me away from everything and everyone, all the things that brought me to my knees and made me want to just bury myself in a hole and never come out. It took me away from whatever made me feel the need to pull out the familiar little dime bag and put the straw in my nose in the first place. Eventually though, it turned into a full blown addiction, and this was something I hadn't planned on at all. No one ever “plans” to get addicted. It was a craving that couldn't be satisfied with anything but the bitter white powder and the feel of the metal straw against my nose.
Normally, I just paid for the shit and got the hell away from the dealer, but one night, a couple of months in, he decided to play dirty. That was also the night I was saved.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Flashback~~~~~Start~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
I walked down the same street I always did. It was poorly lit and covered with the usual garbage, but that doesn't really matter to me anymore. I kick a soda can and shove my fists deeper into my winter coat as I come closer to my destination. No matter how bad I wanted the cocaine, I never felt any better when I came to that familiar grey building. I whipped my hood up as the front stoop and Sakai-san came into view. Ah, Tetsuo Sakai, now he was definitely a piece of work. He was always slacking off in school, he was even lower on the grade list then I was. He didn't come around much near graduation time, but we assumed it was because he couldn't bear the shame of not graduating with the rest of us. I know differently now.
I find it kind of strange that he was in the same homeroom class as Hiro and I in high school and yet he looks about ten years older then both of us. He has long, shaggy black hair similar to Hiro's except his is greasy from a lack of attention. His face is long and thin like a rats, though he's not really ugly. He dresses like an American biker I saw on television once, with a bunch of leather gear and a green bandana around his forehead. I'm not too fond of the way he smells either, like sweat, cheap booze and cigarette smoke.
He sees me coming towards our usual spot and he smiles that sleazy, half-baked smile of his. I really hate this part.
I step around a couple of smashed beer bottles on the side walk and jog up the small flight of stairs, sidling my way into the small archway over the door of the apartment building. It never occurred to me before to ask him if this was where he lived, or if this was just a place he chose for us to meet. I decide that I really don't care since I'd never get involved with him in any other way then a `business' relationship. We are in no way friends, though he seems to treat me like we grew up together, albeit it being in a strange, thuggish kind of way. It seems to me that, although he acts nice towards me, he is harboring something inside. Something that has to do with me.
I suddenly feel uneasy in his presence and vow to make this the quickest transaction in the history of the world. Fat chance of that happening though, he loves to talk. And talk.
I'll bet he could talk about nothing for days on end if somebody would sit there long enough to listen and hold the straw and plate to his nose so he could snort his shit without stopping his mouth. If I didn't know better, which I probably do, I'd say that he talks to himself a lot too, if he can't find another person to act as a sounding board.
“Shindo-kun” He says in his usual rough voice,” Long time no see huh?”
I'm pretty sure it's the cocaine that has done that to his throat and it makes me want to cry. If my throat ever gets to be as bad as his, I don't think I could bear it. It almost makes me want to try going cold turkey and give it all up once and for all, to just turn around and gun it all the way back home, but… then I think about how Yuki responded to me when I told him I was going out and I felt instantly depressed all over again. It always brings other shit up too, when I think of the way he treats me.
In his usual point-blank monotone, he told me not to come back home unless I had his cigarettes. Nothing more.
No `goodbye' or `be safe', he didn't even ask me where I was going at ten thirty at night. That prick, I could die out here and he probably wouldn't even bat an eyelash.
I look around nervously, as I always do, and ask Sakai-kun if he has everything ready for me.
The dealer reaches into his jacket and pulls out a clear zip locked bag containing 5 whole, precious grams of white gold. That was easily eight lines, if cut correctly. I reached into my jacket as well, only I pulled out a wad of bills that I had counted out several times before I came over.
I held out my hand and made to grab the bag from his hand and be on my way, but instead of handing it to me as usual, he pulled his hand back and shook his head.
I'm confused by his actions and again I feel very uneasy. I don't like this situation at all.
Sakai-kun smiles at me almost sweetly, if not for the twist to his upper lip.
“I've got the money Tetsuo-kun, now give me my stuff.”
I hold out my hand again and offer him the wad of folded up bills I have clasped there.
“I want more.” He states simply and crosses his arms, the precious bag dangling from his left hand.
“What do you mean? How much more do you need?”
He smiles at me again and sighs as if he's growing tired of the situation.
“Well, since we're on first name bases around here, Shuichi-kun… this is some premium shit and I decided that I want something…special for it.”
I gulp. This does not sound good.
“Like what?” I ask quietly, again looking around to see if anyone is there.
“Well, considering the street value of the bag in my hand… I think you're either going to have to let me fuck you or else…”
My mouth drops in shock and I immediately wish I was at home with Yuki ignoring me right now.
“Fuck you! No way. I'll get you more money. How much is it worth?”
Sakai-kun just chuckles quietly to himself.
“I don't think you understand,” He says as he reaches out to grab my free arm and pull me close, “If you do as I say, I'll give you this bag of coke and I won't have to go to the press. I'll be happy, you're career will be intact. Everyone wins, so what do you say babe?”
I swallow hard. I knew this would happen. Oh god I knew this would happen! There's no way I can get away now; I'll have to do as he says.
“A-allright. I- I'll do whatever you say, j-just keep what you know to yourself.”
He smirks in triumph and immediately drags me into the building.
As soon as I'm inside, the smell of marijuana smoke and cheap liquor hits me like a cross city bus. There are a few other men inside the large room I find myself in. They're lying about on the few run down old couches, talking or playing cards mostly, though a few are passed out.
A few of them whistle at me and I'm suddenly pushed into the middle of the room. I feel their eyes burning into me and my insides churn. I suddenly feel like I'm going to be sick. Oh God I don't want this. I don't want to be here right now. Please God don't make me do it!
Somehow I manage to take control of my lungs and vocal cords and choke out a “What the fuck is going on? I thought--”
“I distinctly remember you agreeing to do what I say,” Sakai-kun quips lightly from his position by the door, “That also means “Whoever I say” as well.”
The group around me laughs and I burn a deep shade of red. I feel my face get hot, which makes me blush even more. One of the younger guys comes over to me and looks me over.
“Did you bring us a dude or a chick Tetsuo-kun?” He jeers as he reaches out to stroke my face and run his hand up underneath my jacket to feel my chest.
Sakai-san just laughs as he watches me squirm under his friends touch.
“Nope! No tits!”
Some of the men look somewhat disappointed, not that I care. They can all go fuck their mothers.
“Are you complaining Setsuke-kun?” Sakai-san asked sharply.
“No! I was just letting the rest of them know is all…”
The blonde haired teenager left me and went back to his place on the couch.
At this point I desperately wish I had something to calm me down. Half a line is all it would take.
“Well, I think Shindo-san here is anxious to get back to his precious lover so I don't want to waste any more of his time.”
Sakai-san moves from his post against the wall near the door and comes across the room towards me. He grabs me firmly again by the same arm, which is now rather sore, and drags me towards a door on the opposite side of the dilapidated room.
“I'll be out soon boys,” He calls over his shoulder as he pushes me through the door, “You can fight it out amongst yourselves over who gets to go next, but keep it down. I think princess in there is getting nervous.”
He laughs, as do the others who immediately started shifting around from what I could hear. My heart is racing so fast I can feel it pounding in my head.
Sakai-san turns his back to the door and locks it behind him. I swallow and close my eyes so he can't see the tears. The only light coming into the room is from a dirty window in the right hand corner of the far wall. The room is very dark.
As soon as the door is locked, things began moving very quickly and I cry out in shock and fear when he suddenly grabs me and pushes me roughly onto a ratty old mattress on the floor. The filthy piece of furniture is covered with beer bottles, cigarette butts, a few ratty pillows and an old red blanket.
He rips off my coat, tearing the buttons in the process and it was at this point that my human instincts kicked in. I began to struggle, even though I knew it was pointless. My struggling seemed only to increase his desire and I soon found my pants and under wear around one of my ankles as I was forced into an upright kneeling position. I was crying profusely now, though it didn't matter.
The other man in the room with me pulled his bottom garments down around his knees and stood in front of me.
He reached down and stroked himself a couple of times before squeezing my mouth open and shoving his dick inside.
“Now be a good little pop star and do what you're best at.” He moaned almost angrily as he held me by my hair.
I whimpered weakly, but did as he said. I moved back and forth as fast as he allowed me too and soon I could do nothing, but try not to gag as he fucked my mouth and throat; Moving my head as he saw fit with the fist clenched in my short pink hair.
A few painful thrusts later he came into my mouth…well more my throat, and at that I did gag. He just grunted and kept moving my head.
When I felt him start to go limp in my mouth, he let go of my hair and shoved me roughly back against the bed. I cried out as I landed hard on an empty beer bottle. Sakai-san took no notice of my pain, but instead grabbed my bare hips and flipped me over forcefully onto my stomach. The mattress my face was now buried in smelled horrible and I felt like I was going to be sick again. I put my head on my hands as Tetsuo-san pushed on my back and raised my hips into the air, positioning me. I clamped my eyes shut and bit on my arm to keep myself from screaming too loud when he forced himself into me. As if a guy like this would bother with a condom or lube. What a complete ass hole.
I shudder uncomfortably when he spreads my legs apart and starts playing with my balls.
“Fuck you!” I say suddenly. I just can't stay silent any longer.
“Oh, so Mr. Fairy has an attitude problem huh? To bad. I was going to be nice and use some Vaseline, but I guess he doesn't want me to be nice. To bad.”
Before I can even cry “wait!” He spreads my ass cheeks apart with his hands and plunges into me.
The pain is almost unbearable. I scream out loud and I hear the group in the next room start laughing. No doubt they think this is the funniest thing in the world. Well Fuck them!
When Sakai-san starts thrusting into my ass, I immediately feel something tear deep inside me. I know I must be bleeding because he starts moving with ever increasing ease in and out of my body. I cry fiercely and bite down harder on my arm. I think I'm drawing blood I really didn't care at this point. God did I ever wish I had never let Ryuichi-san…sorry, Kumagoro-chan, talk me into doing that first little half line… and then the whole one after that. God it had felt so wonderful that day. I experienced everything as if it were for the first time. Sex with Yuki that afternoon had been unbelievable and for the first time since I had come to live with him, he came first.
Sakai-san let out a low grunt and gave two last, deep thrusts as I felt him empty his vile seed deep inside my body. This brought me back and I felt so sick it was unbelievable. From the pain, from fear, from everything.
He pulled out, wiped himself off on the red blanket before pulling up his pants.
I allowed my hips to collapse on the bed and I removed my teeth from my arm. I just continued to lie there sobbing silently and licking the blood off my arm until he walks around to the side of the bed that my face is directed. He kneels down and kisses my forehead. His lips burned against my forehead and I want to reach up and punch him square in the nose, but I hold back.
“Thanks babe. You're a pretty good fuck. More than worth that bag of crack you so desperately want. I'll have one of the boys give it to you later.” He slaps my ass, causing pain to sear through my body and makes me whimper and groan in agony. He laughs as he stands up and walks out of the room into the crowd of jeering assholes who had no doubt already decided who was going to be next with “the little fairy” as I heard myself by called. I don't really take offense to those sorts of names, but at a time like this hearing it makes me want to put my fist through a wall. I moan with misery and cringe at the thought of how much it's going to hurt when the next guy comes in here. I silently pray to any deities that might have been listening, that no one else out there does guys.
There is a commotion in the outside room. I hear shouting, scuffling, a few screams and then a door opening and slamming shut a minute later, but I try hard to concentrate on praying so I can't hear them argue about what other evil things they plan to put me through.
I guess the Gods are in a different part of Tokyo tonight, maybe at a children's hospital or a shrine, because as soon as I finish praying the door squeaks open.
One of the men moves over to my side of the bed and I instinctively flinch when they reach out to touch me. They are saying something, but I block it out.
“Shh…” The someone coos as the other person places a warm blanket over my near naked body and starts to rub my back softly. With that I open my eyes and looked up to see a familiar face, framed by blond hair.
“Yu-Yuki? Oh God…” I stammer just before my eyelids flutter shut and I pass out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I can't stand to see him lying there like that. Tears run from my eyes as I gently stroke his disheveled pink hair. God how could I not see this. How could I be such an idiot! Tears stream down my face and I lay my body over him, protecting him. If only I had found him sooner, I could have prevented this from happening to him again. I hate myself. I *blame* myself. If I had been there for him when he needed me, I could have gotten him help when it would have done the most good. God why didn't I see the signs? They were everywhere.
I never thought I would say this, but I am glad Ryuichi called me tonight and told me everything. I don't want to know how he knew what Shuichi was going to do, or where he was going to be, or even how he knew the men we had just chased off, but I am grateful to him none the less. The idiot actually proved useful for once. Go figure.
Other than my initial thought of “Oh thank God he's not dead,” I haven't really been able to think since. I do know that we must get him out of here.
“Ryuichi-san, do you have your cell phone with you?” I ask impatiently.
He checks his pockets and produces a shiny blue camera phone.
“Good, now give it to me.” I order.
He tosses me the phone without question and I immediately dial 911.
I explain to the operator what has happened and give him our location. I close the phone and I gaze down at my beloved singer.
“An ambulance is coming. You're safe now my love.”
Shuichi's arms are twitching, clenched tight to his body, and he starts to moan.
I continue to stroke his hair and rub his back and make soothing noises to calm him. It appears to be working as he has stopped groaning at least.
All at once I hear the sirens.
“Oh thank kami-sama they're here. Ryuichi could you grab his coat?”
“Of course Yuki-san.” He replies distractedly as he reaches over to pick up the ripped, silver and orange jacket from the ground.
~~~~~~~~~~~
The ride in the ambulance finds me falling in and out of consciousness for almost half an hour. I know that Yuki and Ryuichi are both there beside me and that Ryuichi has my coat. There are two tubes stuck into my arms and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I think I did when they initially moved me from the back room, but I can't remember. I hope Ryuichi has some stuff with him because I need a hit so bad right now I swear it's going to kill me. I know that if I don't get one soon I'm going to start wigging out like they do it the movies…or maybe I won't. The truth is, I never went more then a day or two without doing at least one line. I was scared of what might happen and I needed it like you wouldn't believe. It has now been about three and a half days since my last one. I am strung out, stressed and my body has been pushed to the max.
I mumble “I love you… Yuki.” Before I pass out again for the second time, but I don't really think he heard me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I hear my name just as his eyes slide all the way closed again. It tears at my heart knowing that, even now, I am all he can think about. God why do I have to be co cold to people that need me? I am so disgusted with myself, I almost can't bear it.
The paramedic in the back tells me some stuff that I apparently need to know, but I'm not really listening to her. I'm too sunk into my own little world to pay attention to anything. The only thing that matters to me is that I am here for Shuichi and that nothing else ever happens to him again.
The second part of dealing with a traumatic situation; Anger.
I start to get angry, both with myself and with Shuichi, though I don't know why. I always loved him and I never showed it? Right.
I showed it all the time…didn't I? What about all the times when we just lay in bed snuggling up together and not hearing anything but our breathing and our heart beats. Sure I may have forgotten once or twice, but never entirely.
What did he think he was doing, getting messed up with drugs? If I ever find out who gave them to him to begin with I'll tear him limb from limb. I hope Shuichi tells me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
I watch both of them from my place in the far corner of the ambulance. I clutch Shuichi's coat tightly in my fists and think about Tetsuo-kun. How could he do this to my friend? I told him never to do any of the things he did with me, because if he did I'd slit his throat. I guess he missed that last part and so now I have my work cut out for me. I am so angry with him I can barley see straight. I TOLD him! I warned him! What a dumb ass.
He did such bad things to Shuichi. He might not have meant to, but maybe Shu-chan provoked him in some way? Not that it matters because what he did was wrong.
This is my entire fault anyway. If I hadn't offered Shuichi the other half of my line…this never would have happened; Or maybe it would have happened anyway, who really knows for sure. All I know is that he was depressed when he came running into the bathroom as I started to take up my last line in the far stall. He always cries in the bathroom, I guess it makes him feel a little more secure and for a moment I didn't want to let him know I was there. He started babbling to himself, pleading his case as everyone does when they're really upset and, possibly, even trying to stay that way until somebody notices. That was when I came over to his stall, plate in my hand. I sniffed and rubbed my nose a couple of times before knocking, though he already knew someone was there.
“What do you want?” He asks softly and I hear him sniffle.
“Shuichi-kun. It's Sakuma-san. I just want you to feel better. Will you come out or let me in?”
I can tell that he is confused by this, but he opens the door none the less. I slide in and his eyes immediately fall on the piece of mirror I have in my hand. It's still got that perfect half line resting on its shiny surface and I wonder for a brief moment why I stopped snorting it.
“What is that? Ryuichi-san you don't…No you couldn't…No…”
He stammers and stumbles over his words and clutches himself tighter as he leans over his knees. I close the stall door and crouch down in front of him.
“This will make you feel better na no da.” I make Kumagoro say. Perhaps my bunny would be able to convince him to feel better.
Several minutes pass and I find out why he is sad. Yuki-san called and tore a strip off of him for washing a red pair of socks in with the whites and turning all the clothes pink. He just sobbed miserably after he finished and said it wasn't' his fault.
I patted his back and again offered the plate to him, only this time he said “What the fuck.” And took the straw I held out.
I showed him how to put it near the inside of his nose and told him what to do. He finished off the little line and coughed. He sniffed continuously for about thirty seconds and began to breathe faster.
That was how it all started.
We would both do lines together in the bathroom and at first he just shared my coke. Eventually though I got him set up with Tetsuo-kun, because he was snorting more then I was willing to pay for.
Tatsuo-kun and I have a special arrangement, and I guess that was what he was trying to instigate with Shuichi-kun tonight, though he would have been better off to do it while he wasn't' high. He just fucked himself over big time with this one. I really hope Shuichi will be okay.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wake up lying in a hospital bed and immediately wish I hadn't opened my eyes. There are several tubes trailing off the bed and I know that they must be connected to my arms. One tube is coming out from under the covers and I instantly dread the thought of where that one must be coming from. I slowly peak under the blanket and I groan miserably. I've been catheterized.
For a moment I wonder why, but then it hits me. I had to go have stitches put in my…
I shudder profusely at the thought and wince. Man am I glad I was unconscious for that. I actually wish that I could be unconscious again, but I need something too badly. Where did Ryuichi and Yuki go?
God I need some coke. I need it so bad it hurts. I shift in my mental discomfort and pain instantly shoots up my body. Okay so maybe movement isn't the best thing for me right now. Actually it is probably the worst thing I could do, other than a line or two of coke. The thought of what might happen if there were any intravenous drugs pumping through me right now and I took a hit made me shudder hard. Again, not a good plan.
I moan and move my arms because they are the only things I can move without hurting everywhere else on my body. Considering they have needles in them, they don't actually hurt, except for the one Sakai-san had grabbed me by. That one is definitely a little tender.
Yuki comes back in a few minutes later and, seeing me awake, rushes over to me. He sets his cinnamon bun and coffee next to me on the table and clasps my closest hand in his. He puts it carefully to his face, being mindful of the IV, and I feel hot, wet tears. He kisses my hand and then leans over to kiss my lips. His mouth feels like a soft pillow resting on my mouth and I wish he would kiss me like that more often.
There I go again.
Getting angry and wishing I had some coke to snort. What? I have to be in the hospital with a tube up my dick and stitches in my ass just to have him love me? There's something not quite right about that, though I'm suddenly; way to tired to care. I just want to sleep.
The last thing I hear before drifting off into a drug induced comma is “I love you.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He looks so helpless laying there in that bed. The things he's been through in the last day are unbearable to think about. I kiss him and tell him I love him, but I don't think he hears me. I don't care though, I needed to say it. I wanted to say it. I haven't said it enough…actually at all. I feel a sudden rush of guilt glide through me and I squeeze his hand gently, as if to translate to him somehow how sorry I am for causing this. He just sleeps on peacefully as I cry my silent tears.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I remain in the hospital for about a week, pissing in a bag and eating the evil hospital food, until they finally say I can go home. Ryuichi wouldn't bring me anything into the hospital and so I went through some particularly painful withdrawals. The doctors moved me from my private room to a group one when that started happening. It was even whiter then the previous one had been and there were several more machines and several more people, all of which looked like hell, as I must have. They began giving me different drugs through my IV's and it helped somewhat I guess. The pain wasn't always there and I slept a lot more peacefully, without the horrible nightmares. I guess they figured it was better that I didn't dream. I have to agree with them.
I had nightmares for weeks after it happened and the psychiatrist at the rehab clinic is helping me work through it. Yes, that's right, I said rehab clinic. Yuki brought me here almost immediately after I came home, though I told him I was fine. I wasn't fine and I realize that now. I guess you're not really a rock star unless you've been through rehab, so what the hell.
Of course, the news got out (the part about me being raped was left out on strict orders from Tohma and K-san) and I was either sympathized for, or hated by my fans. K told me that it had actually helped my ratings, though I can't see why or how. What is it about me that they love so much, I'll never understand and maybe I'll ask my shrink the next time I see her. Perhaps she knows what goes through their heads. She seems to know what goes through mine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Needless to say, I felt better once he came home, though he was right back out the door again to the rehab clinic almost as fast as he got here. I wouldn't have him doing that shit again and the clinic was the best place for him. He has to stay there for a month, or until they feel that he can be released. I really hope he pulls through and comes home soon. He means so much to me and I want to show him just how I feel. I just bought the ring yesterday.
I go and visit him in the clinic, sometimes with his family and sometimes with Hiro, but I visit him none the less.
The Shindo's were utterly shocked when they heard the news. They were at the hospital when we arrived, though Shuichi never knew they were there. The doctors made all of us leave because he said Shuichi needed rest, but I was back the next day with Mrs. Shindo. She was the only one of her family that could be there, her husband having work and her daughter school, but she had to leave before she got a chance to see Shuichi wake up. I felt sort of bad for her. This must be a very rough thing for her to go through and she may have felt better to see his eyes open. His breathing was often so shallow from the medication he was on; it was almost like he wasn't breathing at all sometimes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, I'm home again, after a long hard month in rehab, but I'm clean now and I'm going to stay that way. Almost as soon as we got through the door of the apartment, Yuki bent down on one knee and proposed to me. I was ecstatic! I'm still ecstatic! I could hardly believe it! I called my mother right away and she started bawling like a baby. Maiko and my father did too when they heard, though I'm pretty sure my dad was crying for different reasons then my mother and sister.
So, in the end here I am. Clean and engaged to the man I love. To the man I always loved. To the man I will always love. My Yuki.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~FlashBack~~~~~~~End~~~~~~~~~~
When you're up as high as I usually felt, it seemed impossible that anything could bring you back down again. Moreover, it always made me feel unbelievably sexy.
Eventually however, the coke works itself through your body, out of your system and then just leaves you to fend for yourself in mid air. It's a horrible, crashing wave of depression, anger and sadness that you couldn't in your wildest dreams even begin to sort out. Your top-of-the-world attitude fades and you turn head over heels as you rush headlong back down to reality in a vivid blur of sound and pastel colors.
Of course, if you're lucky enough to have crashed or passed out before your body begins to make it's abrupt decent back to your original convoluted state, then it is your dreams that suffer the most. Whatever is in your head becomes a literal nightmare. You run and scream and can't wake up, even though you struggle so hard. It's no use.
According to Hiro, when I crashed at his house, I yelled almost constantly and would thrash around as if I were fighting a whole gang of people, almost desperately. Once I finally sorted through everything in rehab I told him that his assumptions where not as far off from the truth as he might have thought. In my dreams, the ones that I can remember, I *am* in a fight. I'm in a fight with my morals, my affection and my feelings for Yuki. One side of me rips at the other with vicious claws while the other charges head long, fists readied for a bloody skin match. Each side defends its point with vicious brutality and neither is willing to give in until they both decide that they can't go on. They twist and turn and collapse into one another, congealing and eventually forming the main components of my mind once more. That is when I woke up, head pounding and heart racing. Other dreams I can recall involve a collection of Sakai-kun and his gang, Taki Aizawa and sometimes even Yuki doing horrible things to me. The ones I have of Eiri or Taki raping me are the worst ones of all. I usually cried for hours afterwards.
Most days, at least in the beginning, I managed to convince myself that it was stress or dejection that made me do it, that I was just picking myself up, but further along down the road, I realized that I had been lying all along. The reason I felt so bad, the reason I kept taking hit after hit, line after line, was Yuki. It's kind of ironic, the love of my life turning me away, eventually forcing me to seek comfort in narcotics instead of being there for me himself. I love him unconditionally and he destroys my life. That's just too peachy.
Some people ask me why I even continued to stay with Eiri if he treated me that bad, but I always tell them the same thing, even though it's hard.
I tell them that Yuki is my whole world, my everything, If I didn't have him then I wouldn't have anything left at all. This was the main reason I took the cocaine in the first place. It made the times when Yuki was ignoring me, or teasing me and just not loving me in general, more bearable. I didn't care that he didn't love me, when I has high, because he was way far away back on the ground below me. I felt impervious to his verbal assaults and I think I even talked back to him once or twice in a way I wouldn't ever speak to him normally. Sure, I thought about leaving him, more then a few times actually. Most days it was when I was coming down particularly hard from a trip, and wondering if he was really worth all the shit I was going through, but sometimes I thought about it while I was writing songs or even while I was on stage singing. The truth was, Yuki was always there for me… in a literal way. Literal meaning his body was almost always around me, in the house or car or wherever we happened to be, but he wasn't there for me in a spiritual or emotional sense. That was where I really needed him the most.
Come to think of it, the closest I ever got to him was when he fucked me. It was in no way *love* love, like in the movies, but it was as much as I ever seemed to get from him. I now know that he really did love me, but that's beside the point. I didn't know it then.
Passion, lust, craving and desire where the only emotions he ever seemed to show me, other than annoyance, mild humor or anger. It was as if he got the same thrill out of screwing me that he got out of drinking, it was just another one of his in-the-moment pick me ups. True, he did embrace me and kiss me or whisper things I could never understand into my ear when we were both spent for the night, but that was the only time he ever displayed something even close to love, or even allowed me to be that close *too* him.
In the beginning and for a very long time afterwards, before the drugs, this was what I lived for. I still live for it now, though I have other things to look forward to. The little moments of post fuck cuddling or kissing, but also my daughter and my days at work. Not to say that I didn't enjoy the sex, because that certainly had its perks too, but the after math was the only chance for me to lavish him with soft kisses and attention and have my affection returned. By return I mostly mean tolerated. It was him being too tired to yell at me or kick me out of the apartment or tell me to be quiet, but I took what I could get.
Oh, I just couldn't seem to get enough of him in those first two `beautiful' years of our relationship. I spent year's afterwards seeming to waste my affection and adoration on him and, as fate would have it, he ended up saving my life in the end. How very ironic.
I hope you enjoyed my story about how I got addicted to drugs, how I was saved and how much Yuki loves me almost as much as I didn't enjoy telling it to you. In truth this is the only thing in life I would prefer to keep locked away inside of me. It happened in the past and I prefer not to look back on it.
We have a beautiful daughter now, her name is Izumi and we both love her to death. If and when she gets old enough to understand what any of this means, I might tell her. I might tell her the day I tell her who her birth mother really is, though perhaps that wouldn't be the most opportune time. It would be tough, but I think it would do her a lot of good to know just what drugs and depression can do to you. Of course, since she's barely walking, that day is not today and it won't be that day for a very long time.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>.
Wow. Can't believe I just wrote that. How depressing. Man I need to lighten up. See, I just finished watching Angela's Ashes and The Basketball Diaries and so I'm sort of in that kind of mood. This is exactly why I don't watch drama. Ugh… I don't know what came over me today. Anyway, I just want you to know that I DON'T do drugs and that knowledge of them is based entirely from movies and an wide array of sources so don't hate me if something isn't' accurate. If it isn't I would like to be informed though because I want this to be as authentic as possible. Please review my work, I would really appreciate it. I hope you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
It was a stupid binge, just the occasional thing at first. It picked me up when I was down, made me soar again. I could be going nowhere and everywhere all at once and I loved it. It took me away from everything and everyone, all the things that brought me to my knees and made me want to just bury myself in a hole and never come out. It took me away from whatever made me feel the need to pull out the familiar little dime bag and put the straw in my nose in the first place. Eventually though, it turned into a full blown addiction, and this was something I hadn't planned on at all. No one ever “plans” to get addicted. It was a craving that couldn't be satisfied with anything but the bitter white powder and the feel of the metal straw against my nose.
Normally, I just paid for the shit and got the hell away from the dealer, but one night, a couple of months in, he decided to play dirty. That was also the night I was saved.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Flashback~~~~~Start~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
I walked down the same street I always did. It was poorly lit and covered with the usual garbage, but that doesn't really matter to me anymore. I kick a soda can and shove my fists deeper into my winter coat as I come closer to my destination. No matter how bad I wanted the cocaine, I never felt any better when I came to that familiar grey building. I whipped my hood up as the front stoop and Sakai-san came into view. Ah, Tetsuo Sakai, now he was definitely a piece of work. He was always slacking off in school, he was even lower on the grade list then I was. He didn't come around much near graduation time, but we assumed it was because he couldn't bear the shame of not graduating with the rest of us. I know differently now.
I find it kind of strange that he was in the same homeroom class as Hiro and I in high school and yet he looks about ten years older then both of us. He has long, shaggy black hair similar to Hiro's except his is greasy from a lack of attention. His face is long and thin like a rats, though he's not really ugly. He dresses like an American biker I saw on television once, with a bunch of leather gear and a green bandana around his forehead. I'm not too fond of the way he smells either, like sweat, cheap booze and cigarette smoke.
He sees me coming towards our usual spot and he smiles that sleazy, half-baked smile of his. I really hate this part.
I step around a couple of smashed beer bottles on the side walk and jog up the small flight of stairs, sidling my way into the small archway over the door of the apartment building. It never occurred to me before to ask him if this was where he lived, or if this was just a place he chose for us to meet. I decide that I really don't care since I'd never get involved with him in any other way then a `business' relationship. We are in no way friends, though he seems to treat me like we grew up together, albeit it being in a strange, thuggish kind of way. It seems to me that, although he acts nice towards me, he is harboring something inside. Something that has to do with me.
I suddenly feel uneasy in his presence and vow to make this the quickest transaction in the history of the world. Fat chance of that happening though, he loves to talk. And talk.
I'll bet he could talk about nothing for days on end if somebody would sit there long enough to listen and hold the straw and plate to his nose so he could snort his shit without stopping his mouth. If I didn't know better, which I probably do, I'd say that he talks to himself a lot too, if he can't find another person to act as a sounding board.
“Shindo-kun” He says in his usual rough voice,” Long time no see huh?”
I'm pretty sure it's the cocaine that has done that to his throat and it makes me want to cry. If my throat ever gets to be as bad as his, I don't think I could bear it. It almost makes me want to try going cold turkey and give it all up once and for all, to just turn around and gun it all the way back home, but… then I think about how Yuki responded to me when I told him I was going out and I felt instantly depressed all over again. It always brings other shit up too, when I think of the way he treats me.
In his usual point-blank monotone, he told me not to come back home unless I had his cigarettes. Nothing more.
No `goodbye' or `be safe', he didn't even ask me where I was going at ten thirty at night. That prick, I could die out here and he probably wouldn't even bat an eyelash.
I look around nervously, as I always do, and ask Sakai-kun if he has everything ready for me.
The dealer reaches into his jacket and pulls out a clear zip locked bag containing 5 whole, precious grams of white gold. That was easily eight lines, if cut correctly. I reached into my jacket as well, only I pulled out a wad of bills that I had counted out several times before I came over.
I held out my hand and made to grab the bag from his hand and be on my way, but instead of handing it to me as usual, he pulled his hand back and shook his head.
I'm confused by his actions and again I feel very uneasy. I don't like this situation at all.
Sakai-kun smiles at me almost sweetly, if not for the twist to his upper lip.
“I've got the money Tetsuo-kun, now give me my stuff.”
I hold out my hand again and offer him the wad of folded up bills I have clasped there.
“I want more.” He states simply and crosses his arms, the precious bag dangling from his left hand.
“What do you mean? How much more do you need?”
He smiles at me again and sighs as if he's growing tired of the situation.
“Well, since we're on first name bases around here, Shuichi-kun… this is some premium shit and I decided that I want something…special for it.”
I gulp. This does not sound good.
“Like what?” I ask quietly, again looking around to see if anyone is there.
“Well, considering the street value of the bag in my hand… I think you're either going to have to let me fuck you or else…”
My mouth drops in shock and I immediately wish I was at home with Yuki ignoring me right now.
“Fuck you! No way. I'll get you more money. How much is it worth?”
Sakai-kun just chuckles quietly to himself.
“I don't think you understand,” He says as he reaches out to grab my free arm and pull me close, “If you do as I say, I'll give you this bag of coke and I won't have to go to the press. I'll be happy, you're career will be intact. Everyone wins, so what do you say babe?”
I swallow hard. I knew this would happen. Oh god I knew this would happen! There's no way I can get away now; I'll have to do as he says.
“A-allright. I- I'll do whatever you say, j-just keep what you know to yourself.”
He smirks in triumph and immediately drags me into the building.
As soon as I'm inside, the smell of marijuana smoke and cheap liquor hits me like a cross city bus. There are a few other men inside the large room I find myself in. They're lying about on the few run down old couches, talking or playing cards mostly, though a few are passed out.
A few of them whistle at me and I'm suddenly pushed into the middle of the room. I feel their eyes burning into me and my insides churn. I suddenly feel like I'm going to be sick. Oh God I don't want this. I don't want to be here right now. Please God don't make me do it!
Somehow I manage to take control of my lungs and vocal cords and choke out a “What the fuck is going on? I thought--”
“I distinctly remember you agreeing to do what I say,” Sakai-kun quips lightly from his position by the door, “That also means “Whoever I say” as well.”
The group around me laughs and I burn a deep shade of red. I feel my face get hot, which makes me blush even more. One of the younger guys comes over to me and looks me over.
“Did you bring us a dude or a chick Tetsuo-kun?” He jeers as he reaches out to stroke my face and run his hand up underneath my jacket to feel my chest.
Sakai-san just laughs as he watches me squirm under his friends touch.
“Nope! No tits!”
Some of the men look somewhat disappointed, not that I care. They can all go fuck their mothers.
“Are you complaining Setsuke-kun?” Sakai-san asked sharply.
“No! I was just letting the rest of them know is all…”
The blonde haired teenager left me and went back to his place on the couch.
At this point I desperately wish I had something to calm me down. Half a line is all it would take.
“Well, I think Shindo-san here is anxious to get back to his precious lover so I don't want to waste any more of his time.”
Sakai-san moves from his post against the wall near the door and comes across the room towards me. He grabs me firmly again by the same arm, which is now rather sore, and drags me towards a door on the opposite side of the dilapidated room.
“I'll be out soon boys,” He calls over his shoulder as he pushes me through the door, “You can fight it out amongst yourselves over who gets to go next, but keep it down. I think princess in there is getting nervous.”
He laughs, as do the others who immediately started shifting around from what I could hear. My heart is racing so fast I can feel it pounding in my head.
Sakai-san turns his back to the door and locks it behind him. I swallow and close my eyes so he can't see the tears. The only light coming into the room is from a dirty window in the right hand corner of the far wall. The room is very dark.
As soon as the door is locked, things began moving very quickly and I cry out in shock and fear when he suddenly grabs me and pushes me roughly onto a ratty old mattress on the floor. The filthy piece of furniture is covered with beer bottles, cigarette butts, a few ratty pillows and an old red blanket.
He rips off my coat, tearing the buttons in the process and it was at this point that my human instincts kicked in. I began to struggle, even though I knew it was pointless. My struggling seemed only to increase his desire and I soon found my pants and under wear around one of my ankles as I was forced into an upright kneeling position. I was crying profusely now, though it didn't matter.
The other man in the room with me pulled his bottom garments down around his knees and stood in front of me.
He reached down and stroked himself a couple of times before squeezing my mouth open and shoving his dick inside.
“Now be a good little pop star and do what you're best at.” He moaned almost angrily as he held me by my hair.
I whimpered weakly, but did as he said. I moved back and forth as fast as he allowed me too and soon I could do nothing, but try not to gag as he fucked my mouth and throat; Moving my head as he saw fit with the fist clenched in my short pink hair.
A few painful thrusts later he came into my mouth…well more my throat, and at that I did gag. He just grunted and kept moving my head.
When I felt him start to go limp in my mouth, he let go of my hair and shoved me roughly back against the bed. I cried out as I landed hard on an empty beer bottle. Sakai-san took no notice of my pain, but instead grabbed my bare hips and flipped me over forcefully onto my stomach. The mattress my face was now buried in smelled horrible and I felt like I was going to be sick again. I put my head on my hands as Tetsuo-san pushed on my back and raised my hips into the air, positioning me. I clamped my eyes shut and bit on my arm to keep myself from screaming too loud when he forced himself into me. As if a guy like this would bother with a condom or lube. What a complete ass hole.
I shudder uncomfortably when he spreads my legs apart and starts playing with my balls.
“Fuck you!” I say suddenly. I just can't stay silent any longer.
“Oh, so Mr. Fairy has an attitude problem huh? To bad. I was going to be nice and use some Vaseline, but I guess he doesn't want me to be nice. To bad.”
Before I can even cry “wait!” He spreads my ass cheeks apart with his hands and plunges into me.
The pain is almost unbearable. I scream out loud and I hear the group in the next room start laughing. No doubt they think this is the funniest thing in the world. Well Fuck them!
When Sakai-san starts thrusting into my ass, I immediately feel something tear deep inside me. I know I must be bleeding because he starts moving with ever increasing ease in and out of my body. I cry fiercely and bite down harder on my arm. I think I'm drawing blood I really didn't care at this point. God did I ever wish I had never let Ryuichi-san…sorry, Kumagoro-chan, talk me into doing that first little half line… and then the whole one after that. God it had felt so wonderful that day. I experienced everything as if it were for the first time. Sex with Yuki that afternoon had been unbelievable and for the first time since I had come to live with him, he came first.
Sakai-san let out a low grunt and gave two last, deep thrusts as I felt him empty his vile seed deep inside my body. This brought me back and I felt so sick it was unbelievable. From the pain, from fear, from everything.
He pulled out, wiped himself off on the red blanket before pulling up his pants.
I allowed my hips to collapse on the bed and I removed my teeth from my arm. I just continued to lie there sobbing silently and licking the blood off my arm until he walks around to the side of the bed that my face is directed. He kneels down and kisses my forehead. His lips burned against my forehead and I want to reach up and punch him square in the nose, but I hold back.
“Thanks babe. You're a pretty good fuck. More than worth that bag of crack you so desperately want. I'll have one of the boys give it to you later.” He slaps my ass, causing pain to sear through my body and makes me whimper and groan in agony. He laughs as he stands up and walks out of the room into the crowd of jeering assholes who had no doubt already decided who was going to be next with “the little fairy” as I heard myself by called. I don't really take offense to those sorts of names, but at a time like this hearing it makes me want to put my fist through a wall. I moan with misery and cringe at the thought of how much it's going to hurt when the next guy comes in here. I silently pray to any deities that might have been listening, that no one else out there does guys.
There is a commotion in the outside room. I hear shouting, scuffling, a few screams and then a door opening and slamming shut a minute later, but I try hard to concentrate on praying so I can't hear them argue about what other evil things they plan to put me through.
I guess the Gods are in a different part of Tokyo tonight, maybe at a children's hospital or a shrine, because as soon as I finish praying the door squeaks open.
One of the men moves over to my side of the bed and I instinctively flinch when they reach out to touch me. They are saying something, but I block it out.
“Shh…” The someone coos as the other person places a warm blanket over my near naked body and starts to rub my back softly. With that I open my eyes and looked up to see a familiar face, framed by blond hair.
“Yu-Yuki? Oh God…” I stammer just before my eyelids flutter shut and I pass out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I can't stand to see him lying there like that. Tears run from my eyes as I gently stroke his disheveled pink hair. God how could I not see this. How could I be such an idiot! Tears stream down my face and I lay my body over him, protecting him. If only I had found him sooner, I could have prevented this from happening to him again. I hate myself. I *blame* myself. If I had been there for him when he needed me, I could have gotten him help when it would have done the most good. God why didn't I see the signs? They were everywhere.
I never thought I would say this, but I am glad Ryuichi called me tonight and told me everything. I don't want to know how he knew what Shuichi was going to do, or where he was going to be, or even how he knew the men we had just chased off, but I am grateful to him none the less. The idiot actually proved useful for once. Go figure.
Other than my initial thought of “Oh thank God he's not dead,” I haven't really been able to think since. I do know that we must get him out of here.
“Ryuichi-san, do you have your cell phone with you?” I ask impatiently.
He checks his pockets and produces a shiny blue camera phone.
“Good, now give it to me.” I order.
He tosses me the phone without question and I immediately dial 911.
I explain to the operator what has happened and give him our location. I close the phone and I gaze down at my beloved singer.
“An ambulance is coming. You're safe now my love.”
Shuichi's arms are twitching, clenched tight to his body, and he starts to moan.
I continue to stroke his hair and rub his back and make soothing noises to calm him. It appears to be working as he has stopped groaning at least.
All at once I hear the sirens.
“Oh thank kami-sama they're here. Ryuichi could you grab his coat?”
“Of course Yuki-san.” He replies distractedly as he reaches over to pick up the ripped, silver and orange jacket from the ground.
~~~~~~~~~~~
The ride in the ambulance finds me falling in and out of consciousness for almost half an hour. I know that Yuki and Ryuichi are both there beside me and that Ryuichi has my coat. There are two tubes stuck into my arms and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I think I did when they initially moved me from the back room, but I can't remember. I hope Ryuichi has some stuff with him because I need a hit so bad right now I swear it's going to kill me. I know that if I don't get one soon I'm going to start wigging out like they do it the movies…or maybe I won't. The truth is, I never went more then a day or two without doing at least one line. I was scared of what might happen and I needed it like you wouldn't believe. It has now been about three and a half days since my last one. I am strung out, stressed and my body has been pushed to the max.
I mumble “I love you… Yuki.” Before I pass out again for the second time, but I don't really think he heard me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I hear my name just as his eyes slide all the way closed again. It tears at my heart knowing that, even now, I am all he can think about. God why do I have to be co cold to people that need me? I am so disgusted with myself, I almost can't bear it.
The paramedic in the back tells me some stuff that I apparently need to know, but I'm not really listening to her. I'm too sunk into my own little world to pay attention to anything. The only thing that matters to me is that I am here for Shuichi and that nothing else ever happens to him again.
The second part of dealing with a traumatic situation; Anger.
I start to get angry, both with myself and with Shuichi, though I don't know why. I always loved him and I never showed it? Right.
I showed it all the time…didn't I? What about all the times when we just lay in bed snuggling up together and not hearing anything but our breathing and our heart beats. Sure I may have forgotten once or twice, but never entirely.
What did he think he was doing, getting messed up with drugs? If I ever find out who gave them to him to begin with I'll tear him limb from limb. I hope Shuichi tells me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
I watch both of them from my place in the far corner of the ambulance. I clutch Shuichi's coat tightly in my fists and think about Tetsuo-kun. How could he do this to my friend? I told him never to do any of the things he did with me, because if he did I'd slit his throat. I guess he missed that last part and so now I have my work cut out for me. I am so angry with him I can barley see straight. I TOLD him! I warned him! What a dumb ass.
He did such bad things to Shuichi. He might not have meant to, but maybe Shu-chan provoked him in some way? Not that it matters because what he did was wrong.
This is my entire fault anyway. If I hadn't offered Shuichi the other half of my line…this never would have happened; Or maybe it would have happened anyway, who really knows for sure. All I know is that he was depressed when he came running into the bathroom as I started to take up my last line in the far stall. He always cries in the bathroom, I guess it makes him feel a little more secure and for a moment I didn't want to let him know I was there. He started babbling to himself, pleading his case as everyone does when they're really upset and, possibly, even trying to stay that way until somebody notices. That was when I came over to his stall, plate in my hand. I sniffed and rubbed my nose a couple of times before knocking, though he already knew someone was there.
“What do you want?” He asks softly and I hear him sniffle.
“Shuichi-kun. It's Sakuma-san. I just want you to feel better. Will you come out or let me in?”
I can tell that he is confused by this, but he opens the door none the less. I slide in and his eyes immediately fall on the piece of mirror I have in my hand. It's still got that perfect half line resting on its shiny surface and I wonder for a brief moment why I stopped snorting it.
“What is that? Ryuichi-san you don't…No you couldn't…No…”
He stammers and stumbles over his words and clutches himself tighter as he leans over his knees. I close the stall door and crouch down in front of him.
“This will make you feel better na no da.” I make Kumagoro say. Perhaps my bunny would be able to convince him to feel better.
Several minutes pass and I find out why he is sad. Yuki-san called and tore a strip off of him for washing a red pair of socks in with the whites and turning all the clothes pink. He just sobbed miserably after he finished and said it wasn't' his fault.
I patted his back and again offered the plate to him, only this time he said “What the fuck.” And took the straw I held out.
I showed him how to put it near the inside of his nose and told him what to do. He finished off the little line and coughed. He sniffed continuously for about thirty seconds and began to breathe faster.
That was how it all started.
We would both do lines together in the bathroom and at first he just shared my coke. Eventually though I got him set up with Tetsuo-kun, because he was snorting more then I was willing to pay for.
Tatsuo-kun and I have a special arrangement, and I guess that was what he was trying to instigate with Shuichi-kun tonight, though he would have been better off to do it while he wasn't' high. He just fucked himself over big time with this one. I really hope Shuichi will be okay.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wake up lying in a hospital bed and immediately wish I hadn't opened my eyes. There are several tubes trailing off the bed and I know that they must be connected to my arms. One tube is coming out from under the covers and I instantly dread the thought of where that one must be coming from. I slowly peak under the blanket and I groan miserably. I've been catheterized.
For a moment I wonder why, but then it hits me. I had to go have stitches put in my…
I shudder profusely at the thought and wince. Man am I glad I was unconscious for that. I actually wish that I could be unconscious again, but I need something too badly. Where did Ryuichi and Yuki go?
God I need some coke. I need it so bad it hurts. I shift in my mental discomfort and pain instantly shoots up my body. Okay so maybe movement isn't the best thing for me right now. Actually it is probably the worst thing I could do, other than a line or two of coke. The thought of what might happen if there were any intravenous drugs pumping through me right now and I took a hit made me shudder hard. Again, not a good plan.
I moan and move my arms because they are the only things I can move without hurting everywhere else on my body. Considering they have needles in them, they don't actually hurt, except for the one Sakai-san had grabbed me by. That one is definitely a little tender.
Yuki comes back in a few minutes later and, seeing me awake, rushes over to me. He sets his cinnamon bun and coffee next to me on the table and clasps my closest hand in his. He puts it carefully to his face, being mindful of the IV, and I feel hot, wet tears. He kisses my hand and then leans over to kiss my lips. His mouth feels like a soft pillow resting on my mouth and I wish he would kiss me like that more often.
There I go again.
Getting angry and wishing I had some coke to snort. What? I have to be in the hospital with a tube up my dick and stitches in my ass just to have him love me? There's something not quite right about that, though I'm suddenly; way to tired to care. I just want to sleep.
The last thing I hear before drifting off into a drug induced comma is “I love you.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He looks so helpless laying there in that bed. The things he's been through in the last day are unbearable to think about. I kiss him and tell him I love him, but I don't think he hears me. I don't care though, I needed to say it. I wanted to say it. I haven't said it enough…actually at all. I feel a sudden rush of guilt glide through me and I squeeze his hand gently, as if to translate to him somehow how sorry I am for causing this. He just sleeps on peacefully as I cry my silent tears.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I remain in the hospital for about a week, pissing in a bag and eating the evil hospital food, until they finally say I can go home. Ryuichi wouldn't bring me anything into the hospital and so I went through some particularly painful withdrawals. The doctors moved me from my private room to a group one when that started happening. It was even whiter then the previous one had been and there were several more machines and several more people, all of which looked like hell, as I must have. They began giving me different drugs through my IV's and it helped somewhat I guess. The pain wasn't always there and I slept a lot more peacefully, without the horrible nightmares. I guess they figured it was better that I didn't dream. I have to agree with them.
I had nightmares for weeks after it happened and the psychiatrist at the rehab clinic is helping me work through it. Yes, that's right, I said rehab clinic. Yuki brought me here almost immediately after I came home, though I told him I was fine. I wasn't fine and I realize that now. I guess you're not really a rock star unless you've been through rehab, so what the hell.
Of course, the news got out (the part about me being raped was left out on strict orders from Tohma and K-san) and I was either sympathized for, or hated by my fans. K told me that it had actually helped my ratings, though I can't see why or how. What is it about me that they love so much, I'll never understand and maybe I'll ask my shrink the next time I see her. Perhaps she knows what goes through their heads. She seems to know what goes through mine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Needless to say, I felt better once he came home, though he was right back out the door again to the rehab clinic almost as fast as he got here. I wouldn't have him doing that shit again and the clinic was the best place for him. He has to stay there for a month, or until they feel that he can be released. I really hope he pulls through and comes home soon. He means so much to me and I want to show him just how I feel. I just bought the ring yesterday.
I go and visit him in the clinic, sometimes with his family and sometimes with Hiro, but I visit him none the less.
The Shindo's were utterly shocked when they heard the news. They were at the hospital when we arrived, though Shuichi never knew they were there. The doctors made all of us leave because he said Shuichi needed rest, but I was back the next day with Mrs. Shindo. She was the only one of her family that could be there, her husband having work and her daughter school, but she had to leave before she got a chance to see Shuichi wake up. I felt sort of bad for her. This must be a very rough thing for her to go through and she may have felt better to see his eyes open. His breathing was often so shallow from the medication he was on; it was almost like he wasn't breathing at all sometimes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, I'm home again, after a long hard month in rehab, but I'm clean now and I'm going to stay that way. Almost as soon as we got through the door of the apartment, Yuki bent down on one knee and proposed to me. I was ecstatic! I'm still ecstatic! I could hardly believe it! I called my mother right away and she started bawling like a baby. Maiko and my father did too when they heard, though I'm pretty sure my dad was crying for different reasons then my mother and sister.
So, in the end here I am. Clean and engaged to the man I love. To the man I always loved. To the man I will always love. My Yuki.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~FlashBack~~~~~~~End~~~~~~~~~~
When you're up as high as I usually felt, it seemed impossible that anything could bring you back down again. Moreover, it always made me feel unbelievably sexy.
Eventually however, the coke works itself through your body, out of your system and then just leaves you to fend for yourself in mid air. It's a horrible, crashing wave of depression, anger and sadness that you couldn't in your wildest dreams even begin to sort out. Your top-of-the-world attitude fades and you turn head over heels as you rush headlong back down to reality in a vivid blur of sound and pastel colors.
Of course, if you're lucky enough to have crashed or passed out before your body begins to make it's abrupt decent back to your original convoluted state, then it is your dreams that suffer the most. Whatever is in your head becomes a literal nightmare. You run and scream and can't wake up, even though you struggle so hard. It's no use.
According to Hiro, when I crashed at his house, I yelled almost constantly and would thrash around as if I were fighting a whole gang of people, almost desperately. Once I finally sorted through everything in rehab I told him that his assumptions where not as far off from the truth as he might have thought. In my dreams, the ones that I can remember, I *am* in a fight. I'm in a fight with my morals, my affection and my feelings for Yuki. One side of me rips at the other with vicious claws while the other charges head long, fists readied for a bloody skin match. Each side defends its point with vicious brutality and neither is willing to give in until they both decide that they can't go on. They twist and turn and collapse into one another, congealing and eventually forming the main components of my mind once more. That is when I woke up, head pounding and heart racing. Other dreams I can recall involve a collection of Sakai-kun and his gang, Taki Aizawa and sometimes even Yuki doing horrible things to me. The ones I have of Eiri or Taki raping me are the worst ones of all. I usually cried for hours afterwards.
Most days, at least in the beginning, I managed to convince myself that it was stress or dejection that made me do it, that I was just picking myself up, but further along down the road, I realized that I had been lying all along. The reason I felt so bad, the reason I kept taking hit after hit, line after line, was Yuki. It's kind of ironic, the love of my life turning me away, eventually forcing me to seek comfort in narcotics instead of being there for me himself. I love him unconditionally and he destroys my life. That's just too peachy.
Some people ask me why I even continued to stay with Eiri if he treated me that bad, but I always tell them the same thing, even though it's hard.
I tell them that Yuki is my whole world, my everything, If I didn't have him then I wouldn't have anything left at all. This was the main reason I took the cocaine in the first place. It made the times when Yuki was ignoring me, or teasing me and just not loving me in general, more bearable. I didn't care that he didn't love me, when I has high, because he was way far away back on the ground below me. I felt impervious to his verbal assaults and I think I even talked back to him once or twice in a way I wouldn't ever speak to him normally. Sure, I thought about leaving him, more then a few times actually. Most days it was when I was coming down particularly hard from a trip, and wondering if he was really worth all the shit I was going through, but sometimes I thought about it while I was writing songs or even while I was on stage singing. The truth was, Yuki was always there for me… in a literal way. Literal meaning his body was almost always around me, in the house or car or wherever we happened to be, but he wasn't there for me in a spiritual or emotional sense. That was where I really needed him the most.
Come to think of it, the closest I ever got to him was when he fucked me. It was in no way *love* love, like in the movies, but it was as much as I ever seemed to get from him. I now know that he really did love me, but that's beside the point. I didn't know it then.
Passion, lust, craving and desire where the only emotions he ever seemed to show me, other than annoyance, mild humor or anger. It was as if he got the same thrill out of screwing me that he got out of drinking, it was just another one of his in-the-moment pick me ups. True, he did embrace me and kiss me or whisper things I could never understand into my ear when we were both spent for the night, but that was the only time he ever displayed something even close to love, or even allowed me to be that close *too* him.
In the beginning and for a very long time afterwards, before the drugs, this was what I lived for. I still live for it now, though I have other things to look forward to. The little moments of post fuck cuddling or kissing, but also my daughter and my days at work. Not to say that I didn't enjoy the sex, because that certainly had its perks too, but the after math was the only chance for me to lavish him with soft kisses and attention and have my affection returned. By return I mostly mean tolerated. It was him being too tired to yell at me or kick me out of the apartment or tell me to be quiet, but I took what I could get.
Oh, I just couldn't seem to get enough of him in those first two `beautiful' years of our relationship. I spent year's afterwards seeming to waste my affection and adoration on him and, as fate would have it, he ended up saving my life in the end. How very ironic.
I hope you enjoyed my story about how I got addicted to drugs, how I was saved and how much Yuki loves me almost as much as I didn't enjoy telling it to you. In truth this is the only thing in life I would prefer to keep locked away inside of me. It happened in the past and I prefer not to look back on it.
We have a beautiful daughter now, her name is Izumi and we both love her to death. If and when she gets old enough to understand what any of this means, I might tell her. I might tell her the day I tell her who her birth mother really is, though perhaps that wouldn't be the most opportune time. It would be tough, but I think it would do her a lot of good to know just what drugs and depression can do to you. Of course, since she's barely walking, that day is not today and it won't be that day for a very long time.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>.
Wow. Can't believe I just wrote that. How depressing. Man I need to lighten up. See, I just finished watching Angela's Ashes and The Basketball Diaries and so I'm sort of in that kind of mood. This is exactly why I don't watch drama. Ugh… I don't know what came over me today. Anyway, I just want you to know that I DON'T do drugs and that knowledge of them is based entirely from movies and an wide array of sources so don't hate me if something isn't' accurate. If it isn't I would like to be informed though because I want this to be as authentic as possible. Please review my work, I would really appreciate it. I hope you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it.