Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ Because of You ❯ chapter 9 ( Chapter 9 )

“Because of You”

Sequel to: “This I Promise You”

Written by: Chocho

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation or the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Summary: A new baby. An autobiography. A funeral. A pregnancy. A shocking discovery and a woman with a grudge. And that's just this month.

Chapter summary: On the way to the crematorium, a shocking revelation is revealed.

Warning: Angst, m-preg, language, sex

Source: “The Japanese Way of Death: A Funeral in Sapporo” written by David Aldwinckle. You can find it at: www.debito.org/JPRIjapanesefuneral.html

 

***

 

Chapter 9

 

In the cool, air conditioned confines of the plush bus reserved for the Todono funeral procession to the crematorium, Shuichi sat by the window towards the back of the bus, watching along with the other attendants from the funeral, for Todono Ranmaru's coffin to be brought out. Kane was sitting sideways on his lap with his face pressed up against the window, an eager expression on his face.

 

Kane was too young to really understand what a funeral meant, but the whole process fascinated him, especially the Kokubetsu Shiki, or the “Announcing-the-Departure” ceremony, which was the farewell rite where the monks for forty-five minutes chanted in perfect imitation of the Gregorian monks much like they did during the otsuya. Kane was equally fascinated by the Nobe no Okuri (“Putting Out to Pasture”) where the body of Todono Ranmaru was displayed for the last time before being sealed in his coffin and taken to the crematorium. This took place after the Kokubetsu Shiki and after the telegrams from those who could not attend were read. Of course, when Kane saw the lifeless body of his great grandfather, he said, “He looks asleep, Otokasan.” That innocent remark sent everyone into a flutter of tears.

 

[“He really is your son, Big Brother,” Maiko remarked, tears in her eyes from besides him.]

 

Guess so.

 

Shuichi winced as his sons swinging foot whacked his leg for the third time, bringing him out of his thoughts. He clamped a hand on Kane's foot. “Stop it,” he commanded.

 

He then looked back out the window to see his grandfather's coffin emerge from the funeral home. Six pallbearers, three on each side, escorted it. Shuichi recognized his grandfather's brothers, Satoshi, Yoh, Ai, Kazuki and Daiki and their cousin Amuro. The immediate family preceded the coffin out of the funeral home, which included his grandmother, his grandparent's children and their spouses and the rest of his grandfather's siblings and their spouses.

 

Shuichi pursed his lips and choked back a sob as the pallbearers carried the coffin down the short walk to the waiting black pickup style hearse. He watched as they carefully maneuvered the coffin around and slid it into the hearse. Tears stun his eyes, blurring his vision. His throat ached as it locked around a sob. A black hole of sadness and despair opened up inside of him.

 

He tore his gaze from the sight, breathing deeply in through his nose and slowly exhaling through his mouth in an attempt to calm himself down. It was not working. His chest began to burn. Leaning his head back, he stared at the roof of the bus with wide eyes. He blinked, trying to dispel the deluge of tears stinging his eyes. Clearing his aching throat, he looked back out the window. The coffin had vanished from view within the dark confines of the hearse and the pallbearers had joined the rest of the family gathered in the parking lot speaking to the owners of the funeral home. A man dressed in black Shuichi did not recognize stepped forward and shut the back door, locking it with a resounding “click”. Shuichi jumped, cringing as the sound echoed in his head. His heart lurched painfully.

 

“Otokasan?” asked a sudden small voice.

 

Shuichi gasped, startled. Blinking, he tried to focus his mind. Lifting his head, he stared down at his son and asked, “What?”

 

“Do we get to go to the crematorium now?” Kane asked with those large innocent golden hazel eyes.

 

“Crematorium”?

 

Shuichi's smile wavered and dropped. His heart gave a sharp jolt. Kane blurred behind another wash of tears. His throat once again closed around a threatening sob.

 

In about two hours, his grandfather's body would be nothing more than a pile of ash and bone. The bones would be separated and passed from person to person by chopsticks and placed into an urn, which would be Todono Ranmaru's final resting place.

 

“His final resting place”?

 

Shuichi choked back a sob and blinked back his tears.

 

“His final resting place”?

 

Turning, Shuichi met his sister's glistening chocolate eyes several rows up. She smiled sadly back at him. He then swept his gaze around the bus and met the dead, watery eyes of several of his relatives before they averted their eyes.

 

Licking suddenly dry lips, Shuichi swallowed and cleared his throat. Forcing himself to smile, he stared into Kane's eyes and nodded. “Yeah,” he squeaked. He cleared his throat. “As soon as they,” he pointed out the window to his grandmother and the others, “get on the bus, we'll follow that black car to the cr-crematorium,” he stuttered painfully.

 

“Okay!” Satisfied, Kane turned to gaze out the window, lightly swinging his legs and humming quietly to himself.

 

Shuichi sighed and studied his son, a small, blank smile on his face. He ran a hand through Kane's dirty blond locks. He rested his head against the back of the seat, holding his son securely in his lap and turned to stare blankly out the window. A stray tear rolled down his cheek.

 

“His final resting place”?

 

*

 

The forty-five minute trip to the Forest Lawn Crematorium located outside the city was all a blur to Shuichi. He was aware of nothing as the bus shadowed the black hearse through the busy streets. He stared through unseeing eyes out the window as the scenery rushed by in a blur of color. He jumped, startled, when he felt a hand clasp his shoulder. Blinking, he turned to stare blankly at the person belonging to that hand. Slowly, his mind began to focus.

 

“Hey, Big Brother,” the voice said softly.

 

Shuichi finally focused on his sister standing in the aisle between the seats in her black pinstripe pantsuit. Her long, silky chestnut brown hair was pulled back into a neat ponytail at the nape of her neck.

 

He smiled half-heartedly at her and indicated the empty seat besides him. Kane had taken a liking to Shuichi's lap and had his face pressed up to the window, watching the cityscape slowly dissolve into a suburban and than a rural landscape. The five year old was talking silently to himself.

 

Maiko sat down next to Shuichi. “What're you thinking?” she asked quietly.

 

“Trying not to,” he admitted blandly.

 

She nodded in understanding. Her gaze drifted to Kane. She smiled sweetly at her nephew and raked her nails through the back of his hair. “I still can't believe he did this, but it looks good. I think Keitaro did a good job.”

 

Shuichi snorted and rolled his eyes. “It only looks good because I was able to find someone to fix it this morning.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“You should have seen it before.” He shook his head. He was grateful for the distraction and the opportunity to not think about the funeral and all it entitled. It did not surprise him anymore that everyone seemed to know his every mood and thought, even before he did.

 

“And Eiri really wasn't upset?”

 

“Well, yeah, of course he was, but like I said he didn't think it was such a big deal.”

 

Maiko nodded. “Hmm, but doesn't it seem kinda weird?”

 

“What?”

 

“Eiri being so…so…lenient I guess.”

 

“Ah!” Shuichi nodded. “When it comes to Keitaro, the boy can do no wrong, ya know? He's Daddy's little man.”

 

Maiko snickered.

 

Silence descended upon them. The Shindou Siblings sat in quiet contemplation, each one lost in his own thoughts.

 

“Guess who called last night,” Maiko snorted, interrupting the silence.

 

Tearing his gaze from the window he had not been seeing, Shuichi refocused his gaze and attention on his sister. “Who?” he asked, indifferently.

 

“He called me.”

 

Shuichi blinked, his mind going blank. “He who?” Then the answer hit him. “He did?” he asked incredulously.

 

“Yup,” she nodded. She forced out a laugh. “Can you believe him?” She turned her head away from her brother's questioning stare so he would not see the emotions swirling on her face.

 

Shuichi sighed in disgust. “What that jerk want?”

 

“He wants to talk,” Maiko explained, mockingly. She then bit her lip.

 

Shuichi looked at his sister out of the corner of his eye, studying her closely. “You're still in love with him. Aren't you?”

 

Maiko gasped, her head flying up. She snapped her head around and stared at Shuichi with wide, shock filled eyes. “What are you…? How could you…? I mean, after what that bastard did?”

 

Shuichi smiled softly at her, shaking his head. “Maiko,” he scolded gently.

 

Maiko sighed and hung her head in her hands. “Is that bad? I mean…I don't know. I just don't know anything anymore.”

 

“Do you want him back?” he asked.

 

Maiko said nothing for several long moments. Finally, she lifted her head and rested it against the back of the seat, staring blankly up at the ceiling. “I don't know,” she admitted. “God help me, despite what he did, I still love him, but…I don't know if I…” She sighed.

 

“You're scared.”

 

Maiko smiled painfully, giving a little laugh. “Yeah, I suppose I am.”

 

Shuichi reached over and covered her hand with his. Maiko lifted her head and turned to look at her brother. “That's natural. I mean, you trusted him and he betrayed you and you don't want to be hurt again.”

 

“Yeah,” she said softly.

 

“I think you need to do what's right for you and for your children. All I want is for you to be happy Little Sister.”

 

Maiko smiled sadly and sighed heavily. Leaning her head back against the seat, she admitted softly, “Thanks, but…I…don't know what I want.”

 

Shuichi gave her hand a little squeeze. “That's fine! You don't have to decide right now. All he wants is to talk, right?”

 

She nodded, not saying anything.

 

Shuichi could see the confusion on her face, the uncertainty and the pain, the hurt. It pained him to see his sister like this. “Just talk then.”

 

Maiko turned to stare at him with a blank, uncertain expression. “You think I should?”

 

He shrugged. “Pick a neutral place and just…talk and…take it from there.”

 

She smiled at her big brother, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. “Thanks, Shuichi.”

 

“Anytime,” he smiled.

 

“Just when did you get to be so smart?” she teased.

 

Shuichi grinned. “Didn't you know? I'm a mad genius!”

 

Maiko snorted. “You got the mad part right.”

 

“Hey!” He swatted her arm.

 

“Ow!” Maiko pouted, fake tears in her eyes and grabbed her “injured” arm. “That hurt! I'm gonna tell,” she whined.

 

Shuichi sighed and rolled his eyes.

 

They stared silently at each other for several long seconds before they broke out into fits of silent laughter.

 

Kane looked at his Otokasan over his shoulder. Curious, he crawled into Shuichi's lap. “What're you laughing at?” he inquired.

 

“Nothing,” said, giggling. He cleared his throat in a vain attempt at stopping his laughter.

 

“Nuh uh! You're laughing at something. What are you laughing at?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Tell me!”

 

Shuichi shook his head, smiling.

 

“Otokasan!” Kane whined.

 

“Kane!” Shuichi imitated.

 

With a humph, Kane turned his back on Shuichi and stared out the window, feeling put out.

 

Shuichi and Maiko shook their head with a little laugh.

 

Kane caught sight of the long, black car with the curtains over its windows in front of the bus. He wondered about the box inside the car that carried Papa. Otokasan said they were taking Papa to the crematorium. He knew what that meant. He heard Daddy and Otokasan talking to Aunt Maiko and Grandma and Grandpa Shindou the other night. At the crematorium, Papa was going to be put into an oven and turned into ashes. Kane frowned. But if that happened, did that not meant that…?

 

“Otokasan?”

 

Shuichi giggled and slapped his sister. “What?” he asked, Kane, laughing lightly. He wiped his teary eyes.

 

Kane turned away from the window and crawled back into Shuichi's lap. He stared deeply into the pretty purple eyes of his Otokasan. It was always easier to tell what Otokasan was thinking when he looked into his eyes, because sometimes Otokasan did not tell the truth. That is was Daddy always says.

 

Shuichi looked down into his sons large golden hazel eyes and was taken aback by the fear he saw in them. “Kane? What's wrong?” he asked in concern, searching the boys face in sudden seriousness.

 

“I-is it going to hurt?” Kane asked. His eyes pleaded with his Otokasan, searching his face closely. His jaw was set in stubborn seriousness.

 

Shuichi blinked in confusion, frowning. “Is what going to hurt?” he asked bewildered.

 

“Papa.”

 

“What about him?”

 

Kane placed his hands on Shuichi's shoulders and stood up on his knees so that he could stare right into Shuichi's eyes.

 

Shuichi winced as his son's knees dug into his thighs.

 

“I-if he's, if he's going to be in-cin-er-ated,” he felt proud at being able to say such a big word, a word he heard daddy say last night, “then, then won't it hurt?”

 

Shuichi choked back a sob as his heart lurched. A lump formed in his throat and a veil of tears obscured his vision. Clearing his throat forcibly, he blinked rapidly to dispel his tears. He took deep, slow, even breaths to try to calm down. “No, it won't hurt,” he answered with a squeak. He cleared his throat again. “It won't hurt,” he repeated, his voice stronger.

 

Kane did not believe him. His eyes roamed over Shuichi's face. “Not even a little bit?”

 

Shuichi shook his head, smiling at his son through his tears. “Papa's already…gone,” he admitted, his voice tight.

 

His smile wavered as the truth of his words hit home. It was silly. He knew his grandfather was dead and that he was not coming back, but it still hurt. He was no longer racked by his guilt, but his sorrow and his feelings of loss were like black holes inside him eating away at all his joy and happiness. That was why he had been so grateful to Maiko for distracting him before.

 

Kane shook his head. “Nuh uh!” he protested, snapping Shuichi out of his thoughts. “I sawded him! He, he-!”

 

“Kane,” Shuichi called softly but forcibly.

 

Maiko watched and listened to the conversation between father and son in silence.

 

Shuichi breathed out slow and long as he tried to loosen the tightness in his throat and chest. “Papa's not here,” he whispered again. If he spoke any louder, he would lose it. “His soul's already moved on,” Shuichi continued, his voice tight and small.

 

He sniffed and wiped his teary eyes with his fingers. He tried to hold back his tears. He could not cry. Not now. Not in front of Kane. He had to remain strong, or at least appear so until he could get a few minutes alone. Because if he shed one tear now, it would be the final crack that broke the dam and all the flood waters would come gushing forth.

 

He cleared his throat. “All that's left…is an empty shell,” he explained, his voice tightening into a whisper. It hurt to say that out loud. It was like a knife to his heart.

 

Kane blinked. He stared at his Otokasan in confusion. “What's that?”

 

“It means,” Maiko started to explain to her nephew, “that Papa's soul is gone. He's already moved on.”

 

Shuichi smiled his thanks at her. She smiled back.

 

“He's moved on?” Kane repeated, trying to make sense of everything.

 

Maiko and Shuichi nodded.

 

“Yup,” Maiko answered.

 

Shuichi pulled his son to him, setting him down onto his lap so that his knees were no longer digging into him.

 

“Where has he moved on to?” Kane asked in all seriousness.

 

Shuichi shrugged. “He might have gone to Heaven, or he could have been reborn.”

 

Kane's eyes lit up. A smile flashed across his face. “Papa's been reborn?”

 

“Maybe,” Shuichi said, returning his sons contagious grin.

 

Kane's smile widened and his eyes gleamed with joy. He bounced on Shuichi's lap. “As what? A baby? Could Papa be a baby?”

 

“Could be,” Shuichi giggled.

 

Kane giggled, a large smile on his face. “That's funny, Otokasan! Papa as a baby!” He giggled again. “That'd make me older than Papa!”

 

Smiling, Shuichi exchanged a look with Maiko. She had a hand over her mouth laughing. Her eyes gleamed with amusement.

 

Kane leaned forward, whispering conspiratorially, “Could he be the baby?”

 

Shuichi's smile slipped off his face. His eyes widened in shock. How had he…?

 

Maiko blinked in confusion, switching her gaze from her brother to her nephew and back.

 

“Could he, Otokasan?” Kane prodded.

 

Shuichi groaned inwardly. He thought Keitaro and he had been asleep! Dammit! “Maybe,” he sighed.

 

Kane squealed.

 

“Hey, Big brother,” Maiko interjected, poking his arm. “What's he talking about? What baby?”

 

Shuichi cursed silently and shook his head. “It's nothing, Maiko.”

 

Maiko turned in her seat to face Shuichi. “Come on, Shuichi! What baby?”

 

“Otokasan is going to have another baby!” Kane told her happily.

 

Shuichi winced, gritting his teeth. Double damn!

 

Maiko gasped and stared at her brother in surprise. “Shuichi! A ba-!”

 

Shuichi slapped a hand over her mouth, shushing her loudly. He glanced around the bus, his heart beating widely in his chest. Nobody seemed to be paying them any particular attention. “No, Maiko. There is no baby,” he hissed quietly. He was surprised at how smoothly that came out.

 

“But-!” she mumbled against his hand.

 

Shuichi shook his head. “Eiri and I've been talking about having another baby,” he explained, removing his hand.

 

Maiko nodded. “Oh, well,” she sighed. “Are you sure?” she prodded, staring at him through squinted eyes, not ready to give up.

 

Shuichi nodded, blushing.

 

“I guess that's good then. I mean, you just had a baby. It's too soon to have another one.”

 

Shuichi gulped. Yeah,” he laughed nervously. He prayed she would drop the subject. He was not feeling too comfortable discussing this.

 

“Daddy wants a daughter!” Kane proudly boasted.

 

Shuichi felt his face grow warm. He was not sure who he should kill first, Eiri or Kane.

 

Maiko looked at her brother with a raised eyebrow. “Really?”

 

Shuichi nodded, his blush deepening.

 

“That's so cute!” Maiko cooed loudly.

 

Shuichi glanced around the bus and noticed several people glancing their way. He just wanted to die right there. “Maiko!” he hissed.

 

“What?” she asked innocently.

 

“Please!”

 

She rolled her eyes. “Oh, come on! Like the whole family doesn't already know that you-!”

 

“I know that!”

 

“Then what's the problem?”

 

Shuichi sighed heavily. How could he explain it to her? Hell, he did not know how to explain it to himself. It was one thing for something to be public knowledge, like his “condition”, but it was another for it to be discussed or flaunted in public.

 

“Daddy said, Daddy said that he wants a girl because Otokasan doesn't count,” Kane interjected.

 

Shuichi gasped, his eyes widening in shock and surprise. “Kane!” he cried, blushing.

 

Maiko threw her head back and burst out laughing.

 

Shuichi would be having a long talk with Eiri when he got home.

 

***