Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ The Fleetingness of Beauty ❯ Chapter 1

Title: The Fleetingness of Beauty

Author: JadeHeart

 

Summary: When you lose someone, how do you go on?

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this, they belong to the creator of `Gravitation'. The song is `See the Sun' by Dido.

 

 

The Fleetingness of Beauty

 

 

I'm coming round to open up the blinds

You can't hide here any longer

My god, you need to rinse those puffy eyes

You can't lie still any longer

And yes they'll ask you where you've been

And you'll have to tell them, again and again

 

And you probably don't want to hear tomorrow's another day

But I promise you you'll see the sun again

And you're asking me why pain's the only way to happiness

And I promise you you'll see the sun again

 

Com on, take my hand

We're going for a walk, I know you can

You can wear anything, as long as it's not black

Please don't mourn forever, she's not coming back

And yes they'll ask you where you've been

And you'll have to tell them, again and again.

 

Do you remember telling me you'd found the sweetest thing of all

You said one day of this was worth dying for

So be thankful you knew her at all

But it's no more

 

*******************

 

There was darkness. Not that deep black darkness of night or when your eyes are closed blocking out the light. This was a darkness far, far more than that. This was a darkness that stole away all light so not even a glimmer was left. It was a darkness that wound around you, cutting off your air, filling your lungs with blackness, drawing you down, drowning you.

 

At first you struggled; your instinct for self-preservation naturally kicking in and forcing you to fight against its bindings. You can't help yourself but do so, to respond in that way. But it is persistent. It clings to you, wraps around you, binding your limbs, holding you down, pinning you in place. It grips you tightly, clasping you to its bosom like a lover, a fanatical lover that will not let you go and is prepared for you to die to keep you there. This wasn't an ordinary darkness at all. This was a darkness of the soul.

 

My eyes can't see anything. Even when I'm looking at something I can't see it. My sight has been stolen from me. All I see is darkness.

 

I sit on the edge of the bed. I don't know how long I have been here, here in this one position. My eyes gaze steadily in front of me but I cannot make my mind actually understand what it is seeing. There is only darkness.

 

I hear sounds. My sight might be gone but my ears are still functioning it would seem. I hear the sound of the door opening, that small click as the catch is released. I hear the small whoosh of displaced air as it swings wide, the slight creak of hinges. I guess they need oiling. Surprising I had never noticed that before.

 

There is silence then but it isn't complete. I can hear the sound of another's breathing. It is different to mine, not in synch at all, in fact it is in counterpoint to mine. I breathe in, they breathe in, I breathe out, they breathe out. We remained like that for some time and I just listened to our breathing. In. Out. In. Out.

 

I make no move during this time. There was no need for me to make any motion. Just listening was exhausting.

 

I heard the sound of movement then, knew the person who had been standing there had now stepped into the room, drawing closer to me. I still didn't move. I didn't turn my head even to see who it was. They drew closer, their socked feet sliding softly over the wooden floors.

 

I could sense when they were standing before me. I knew they were there but still my eyes could not see them. Didn't want to see them. Perhaps I just wished to remain trapped within the confines of my own mind. Perhaps I no longer wished to see anything of the world around me.

 

“Tohma,” the quiet voice broke the silence that had once more settled between us.

 

Although it was quiet it was almost jarringly loud, making me wince at the assault on my aural senses. I had become used to being on my own with the silence. This intrusion was unsettling.

 

I didn't answer. It seemed as though I had forgotten even how to speak. Silence doesn't require speech, it requires reciprocal silence. That was the partnership that we had. I had no more words left.

 

I heard the swish of curtains and my eyes were stabbed by light; harsh and cold, hurtful as it pierced my optical nerves so long accustomed to the darkness, enough to make them weep. Yes, it was the light that was making them do that. I half turned my head away, squeezing my pained eyes closed, shying away from the light that was chasing away my only friend, the darkness.

 

“You look terrible,”

 

I looked up into the dark eyes that gazed down at me. Ah, dark eyes, deep and dark. They reminded me of the darkness that had cocooned me until just now. They were familiar for so many reasons.

 

My mind searched slowly, trying to remember who it was. Who was the owner of these dark, dark eyes that you could fall into and drown in their inky depths?

 

“Ry…u…i…chi,” I struggled to get the name out, my tongue thick and cumbersome with lack of use and even then, in some ways, I had no concept of the meaning of that name. It was just the name that my memories supplied.

 

“Yes, it's me, Tohma,”

 

Ah, yes, Ryuichi. I did know him. Of course I knew him. He was like a part of my soul. He had always been there, by my side. Yes, I knew Ryuichi. Why was he here? My mind struggled, trying to sift its way through past information but I couldn't find what I was searching for. All I knew was that Ryuichi shouldn't have been here.

 

I watched as he crouched down before me, his hands hanging loosely between his spread knees, dark hair falling over one eye. He looked at me, capturing my gaze, holding me, ensnaring me just as the darkness had. I felt a small smile touch my lips. It felt right for that to happen.

 

He mirrored my smile although I could see that there really wasn't any happiness in it, just as I knew that there was none in mine. His eyes, the dark pools, also swirled with pain, a pain that was tearing at my heart.

 

“Go and have a shower,” Ryuichi finally said, standing abruptly and extending a hand to me.

 

I dropped my gaze to it slowly, looking at it, not moving.

 

“Tohma. Please.”

 

My eyes rose again to meet his dark ones, saw the plea there also and without conscious thought my hand rose to rest in his. His strong fingers wrapped tightly around mine, the warmth of his hand warming my own chilled one.

 

He tugged, forcing me to my feet, catching me as I stumbled my legs almost collapsing under me as the sudden change in position caused the blood to rush back into limbs that had been lying stagnate for so long. He slipped an arm around my waist, throwing my other arm over his shoulder and helped me the short distance to the bathroom.

 

I was completely incapable of doing anything for myself. The darkness still hovered at the edges of my sight, but more importantly it still cloaked my heart and mind. I could feel Ryuichi begin to unbutton my shirt and, dropping my gaze, watching in distant interest as his deft fingers undid each one. I made no reaction as his hand brushed against my skin, or as the material slithered over the nipples on my chest as he pushed it from my shoulders. He stripped my pants from me also, even removing my underwear until I stood completely naked before him. I watched in casual fascination as he also stripped fully, seeing our reflections in the mirror, my pale skin in complete contrast to his darker complexion. Dark and light, opposites and yet always one.

 

I let my mind drift a little then, allowing my eyes to close as his hands took my shoulders and maneuvered me. I followed his instructions precisely, still with my eyes closed, trusting in the hands that held me so firmly.

 

As the water cascaded over me I absently wondered if it was possible to drown in the shower. If I tipped my head back and opened my mouth, swallowing the water down, would I eventually drown? I didn't do it. It would have required actual effort to put such a thought into practice and there just didn't seem any point to it.

 

I leant into his touch as he washed me, feeling the soap making both our skins slick. I suddenly needed that touch, needed to feel another next to me. I needed him there.

 

We didn't remain in the shower long and soon he was directing me to get out, wrapping a towel tightly around me and rubbing me down briskly, so vigorously that it almost hurt, which was a surprise to me in itself. I could feel it. I could feel…again.

 

Ryuichi pushed me down gently so I sat on the end of the bed as he turned to the wardrobe. He reached in and pulled out some clothing, laying them beside me. “Hurry up and get dressed,” he said softly, turning back to the closet.

 

“Where…..?” I had to concentrate so hard to try and make the simplest words and sentences but he seemed to understand my difficulty.

 

“We're going out,”

 

This time I didn't try and use words but just slowly shook my head.

 

“Tohma,” his hand rested lightly on my bare shoulder, squeezing gently and making me look up. “I know it will be hard. But it's time.”

 

I tried to shake my head again but his eyes stopped me.

 

“It's time to move on,” he said firmly yet still gentle. He raised his hand and lightly touched my cheek. “I know you will have to deal with everyone asking what has happened. But you can't stay here. You are needed.”

 

Needed? I'm needed? By whom? By what? I couldn't help her. Why would anyone need me when I failed her?

 

“So you are coming out with me.” he finished.

 

I dropped my gaze, not having the strength to argue further with him. The clothes beside me were ones I had worn before. The bright burgundy shirt seemed startling in the intensity of its colour and completely out of place. It certainly didn't match my thoughts.

 

“Not…” I tried to say but Ryuichi interrupted. “You can. It was her favourite, you know.”

 

He was right. She had actually given it to me and had often thrown me a compliment whenever I wore it. But I still didn't want to wear it now.

 

“Black doesn't suit you, Tohma,”

 

I looked up at him again, seeing the small smile on his face, a touch of his usual impish mischievousness in it.

 

“You always looked best in bright colours. They make you shine the brightest.”

 

Shine? I didn't feel like shining. I didn't want to shine. I wanted the comforting darkness of before. The darkness I could hide in forever.

 

Although that was what I was thinking I still found myself bending to his wishes and slowly dressed in the clothes laid out for me. He had to assist me with the buttons though. I was completely unable to make my trembling fingers complete that simple task.

 

Once I was clothed Ryuichi dressed also, having up till this point remained naked bar for a towel wrapped tightly about his narrow waist. He too wasn't in black, wearing an emerald shirt that blended nicely with my own deep coloured shirt.

 

“Come on,” he then said, taking my hand as though I were a child, leading me from the room.

 

I balked at the front door, my feet automatically stopping. I couldn't go out. I hadn't stepped outside that door for a long time. I couldn't face what was beyond that. Not yet.

 

“I…..can't,” I managed to gasp out, my hand shaking in Ryuichi's clasp.

 

He stood there and just looked at me, not letting go of my hand. “You can, Tohma. I'm right here,” I looked up at him, meeting his eyes. “I'm right beside you.”

 

He gently pulled me forward, and I couldn't resist his urging and before I knew it I was outside and the door to my sanctuary had been closed fast behind me, barring my return to my solitude.

 

Ryuichi didn't release my hand; not when we climbed into the waiting car, not as it drove through the streets of Tokyo. I could see the world passing by through the darkened windows, could see it all happening as though I was viewing it from the other side of a mirror, from another world perhaps. It didn't seem that I was a part of it in any way.

 

All this time Ryuichi held my hand.

 

He still held my hand as he pulled me from the vehicle once it had stopped. I don't know if anyone stared at us. I don't know if there were frowns or side-glances or snickers at two grown men openly holding hands as they walked the paths of Ueno Park. I saw the world around me but it did not seem that I had any place in it. The only thing that was real was Ryuichi's hand in mine.

 

Our wanderings finally halted. The wind blew around us as the grey clouds scurried across the sky, blotting out the sun for a moment before hurrying on their way. Early April could still be cold. I automatically shivered as the chill crept inside my coat, sliding around the back of my neck.

 

Something soft touched my cheek making me look up. My view was filled with white. Another gust of wind, stronger than the first, moved the branches over my head, a flurry of petals rained down upon me, landing lightly on my upturned face. Slowly I lifted a hand, watching as two slowly drifted from side to side before coming to rest on my palm. I gazed at them, admiring their beauty. So pure, so special, so fleeting. I knew others rested on me, could feel some on my hair, knew they clung to my coat. I wasn't aware that at some point Ryuichi had let go of my hand.

 

“Beautiful, isn't it?” he said quietly from behind me.

 

I looked over my shoulder to see that he too was covered in a soft cloak of white petals, some clinging to his dark hair. He looked like he was some form of nature spirit, like he truly belonged here in this place.

 

I looked upwards again. Although so many petals had fallen there didn't seem to be any change in the view above my head. The branches still seemed laden, every twig bursting with beauty.

 

“Beauty never fades, you know,” Ryuichi spoke again. I didn't look at him, just remained staring upwards letting my eyes drink their fill. “Although these cherry blossoms may only have a short life span before they fall, they are remembered by us all, not just during that time but also afterwards. That is their lasting beauty.”

 

“That…..” I finally managed to form words, speaking slowly, “is because we know they will return again next year.” I gazed back at the two tiny scraps of white on my still open hand then slowly turned it over, watching them flutter to the ground to join the many others carpeting the grass. “She will not be coming back to us.”

 

Tears pricked at my eyes. They were tears. I knew that, I couldn't pretend they were anything else. I gazed around me, the avenues of trees brimming with beauty, filling the air with their brilliance, making the heart weep with their shimmering splendor.

 

“Why does there have to be such terrible things in this world? Why do we have to lose those we love? Why can't we be happy and not have to suffer that?” I asked brokenly. I didn't really expect Ryuichi to have the answer. I knew he didn't know. Neither did I.

 

“Do you remember when we all first met?”

 

Ryuichi's sudden question was unexpected and I turned to look at him. He smiled crookedly back at me. “Remember that day?” he said. “I do. Like it was only yesterday.” He gazed off into the distance for a moment. “We all had such fun and we had such grand dreams.” He focused back on me, this time his grin wider. “We all achieved those dreams, didn't we? There was no stopping us.”

 

He crouched down and delicately picked up a fallen blossom, turning the pale whiteness this way and that as though he was scrutinizing it carefully, as though he were searching for something.

 

“Do you remember what you said once to me?” He looked up, tilting his head to one side. “You said that you had never met anyone like her. You liked everything about her; her vivaciousness, her honesty, her talent, everything. Whenever you spoke or thought about her you would light up.” He smiled broadly at me. “It used to make me laugh to see you so happy. You loved her and she loved you and so why wouldn't I be happy?”

 

Ryuichi dropped the petal and watched it fall back to the ground then looked up again, his face serious this time. “So I say we should both be grateful for having known her. She was a very special person, and you don't meet special people like that everyday, and not everyone has the good fortune to do so. So I think we were very, very lucky.”

 

He stood and brushed his hands down on his jeans and smiled warmly at me. “I think I've been really lucky in my life, Tohma. I have met such wonderful people who have meant everything to me and who helped me achieve my dreams. What more could I ask for?”

 

He walked forward, coming to stand directly before me. He reached out and wrapped his arms around me, holding me close. I could feel myself crumble a little, the tears leak silently from the corner of my eyes, sliding down my cheeks.

 

“You're not alone, Tohma,” he whispered, his warm breath caressing my cheek. “You will never be alone because there are so many people who love you. You don't have to try and face this all by yourself.”

 

He drew back although he kept his hands on my shoulders so he could gaze into my tearstained face. His smile was a little shaky this time, his own eyes bright with unshed tears. “You'll see,” he said softly, “the sun always comes out once more,” He gazed upwards for a moment, “the blossoms will always bloom next year.” He looked back at me and drew me into another hug. “And you will never be alone.”

 

He drew back, this time releasing me completely and took a step backwards. He smiled at me, his eyes beginning to twinkle a little with his usual happiness.

 

Just at that moment the wind moved the branches again, and the sun filtered through brightly. I turned, seeing through the thick fall of petals a slim figure standing there. She stood there silently, arms crossed over her chest, looking at me with those piercing grey eyes, eyes that knew me so well.

 

“Mika,” I whispered, not moving either. The petals fell upon her though she made no move that she noticed them. I thought they made her look like an angel.

 

I slowly began to walk towards my wife until I stood just before her. She gazed back at me steadily. I could see now the darkness around her own eyes, the slight redness that showed that she had been crying. She had lost a good friend also, just as Ryuichi had, just as I had.

 

“I'm sorry, my love,” I whispered to her, reaching out to gently touch her cheek. “I have been very selfish.”

 

Mika still said nothing but leant into my touch, almost desperately.

 

“Noriko would want you to still be happy, Tohma,” Ryuichi said behind me. “She would want to see you smile again.”

 

I wrapped my arms around Mika, drawing her close, feeling her arms encircle my waist and hold me tightly.

 

“Welcome back,” she whispered a little brokenly.

 

“Thank you,” I whispered in return.

 

I released her slightly so I could turn to look behind and held out a hand to Ryuichi, feeling the pain in my chest finally begin to ease a little as his fingers threaded with mine. The pain wasn't gone, it probably never would leave us, but it was far easier to face it together than alone.

 

I tightened my arm around Mika, pulling her into my side, drawing Ryuichi in closer also. I saw Mika's hand steal out hesitantly to touch the back of Ryu's other hand, saw him start a little at the contact and then swiftly grasp hers.

 

We stood in that circle of love in silence and I raised my eyes to the heavens again, letting the cherry blossoms fall down, signifying the end once more and the fleetingness of life, yet at the same time heralding a new beginning and hope for the future.

 

Thank you, Noriko, I whispered silently. Thank you for your friendship, your love and all that you have ever done for me. Thank you for your laughter and your smiles. Thank you for being a part of my life and know that you always will be.

 

Thank you.