Gundam SEED Fan Fiction ❯ Illusion ❯ Illusion ( Chapter 1 )

AN: angst warning! I think this is the most angsty one so far, but it was bugging me to get written.

This is sort of a semi-songfic, the bold italic lines are from the song "I Wanna Go to a Place" by Rie Fu (GSDestiny third ending song). Those lines are sung in English, so no translation was required.

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Captain Ramius breathed a sigh of relief. The battle was finally over, and she had just gotten the news that Genesis had been destroyed, and that Kira was okay. She removed her hands from the armrest of her chair, realizing just now that she had been clutching on so tightly that her knuckles were white.

She stood up, body stiff and mind numb.

"Good job, everyone!" she called out to everyone on the bridge with false cheerfulness. As she made her way to the elevator, she could feel everyone's gaze on her, as if asking if she was okay. Thankfully, nobody said anything aloud, because she didn't know if she could reply without breaking down.

Throughout the dialogue with the other two ships immediately after the ceasefire, she had managed to keep her emotions at bay and her voice even. She had managed to push her thoughts about what had just happened aside for business talks. She would, and did, stay strong until the end, because she was the captain. And she promised herself that she would remain strong, and not let anyone see her tears.

The elevator door opened and she stepped into the corridor. She didn't quite know where she was going, but she knew that she didn't want to stay on the bridge longer than she had to. She forced herself to keep her mind blank, to not think about it. It wasn't that difficult, since her mind had turned numb.

Her feet carried her to a familiar closed door. Before she knew what she was doing, she punched the code and the door swished open.

She peered inside. Everything was left in its place, as if waiting for him to come back. Her eyes found an Earth Alliance cap lying un-ceremonially in a corner. She remembered that he never did like to wear the hat, the only time she'd seen him wear it was in Alaska, when—

She had to stop herself there, forcing the thought away. She bit her lower lip to stop it from trembling. For she promised herself that she wouldn't cry.

Murrue quickly rushed out of the room. No, this place wasn't the best place to not think about it. It wasn't much better than the bridge.

Feeling suddenly weary, she ran to her room and lay on her bed, squeezing her eyes shut and concentrated on making her mind go blank.

But the darkness had provided no distractions, and her mind wondered back to her memories. She had wanted to get up and do something, to distract herself, but her body wouldn't let her, it protested that she was tired and needed rest.

She dreamt of him in her restless slumber. The reoccurring nightmare played back over and over in her mind, even though she tried her best not to think about it. She woke up, laying there in the darkness, afraid to lose herself to sleep for fear of the nightmare again. Instead, she tried to think of all the happy times she had with him.

............................. I wanna go to a place where I can say
That I'm all right and I'm staying there with you. ...........................

She remembered how happy she was when he showed up out of nowhere when they were trying to defend Alaska, how after getting over her initial surprise, her heart had lifted when he had called to her and ran to her side. And later, when she asked him why he came back, he had responded by kissing her. She didn't know which surprised her more: the fact that he came back for her, or the fact that she kissed him back.

But this is what you wanted, right?

She had been trying to push him away, because he was a soldier. She reminded herself that she would not make that mistake again. No, unlike the rest of the world, she would learn from the past to make sure that history wouldn't repeat itself, the coffin-shaped pendent was a constant reminder of that.

But she forgot, he had made her forget.

She had hidden her heart away, underneath her military uniform. But Mwu La Flaga really was the man who could make the impossible possible, for he somehow broke through the walls of military code, and around her heart. Or maybe, she had make it easy for him, because inside, she could not change the fact that she too, was human, that inside, she was just a woman who wanted, needed, love. She needed him to be there for her, to support her in the way that only he could, to chase her nightmares away and warm her heart with his smile, his embrace, his kiss. So she welcomed him into her heart, taking the chance even though she knew her heart could break again.

And look where it got her.

She took the chance, and fate had failed her.

Murrue let out a bitter laugh. What did she expect? She had known all along that this could happen. After all, they were living in a war-torn world, where a precious life could be taken away in a matter of seconds.

Why did you have to leave me?

She supposed that she should hate him, hate him for making her fall in love with him, then leaving her all alone; hate him for breaking his promise to her. But it was also her fault for letting him in so easily, her fault for not being able to protect her heart. If only she could see the future. If only she'd known it'd end up like this.

But looking deep into her heart, she knew that she couldn't hate him, she could never hate him. Because she was glad that she hadn't been able to see the future back then, and even though she kicked herself for doing so, she was glad that they had met and fell in love. Because he had brought her happiness, if only for a short while. For a short while, she was in a place where she was content because she was with him.

.................................. I wanna know if there could be any way
That there's no fight, and I'm safe and sound with you. ................................

They never really talked about the future, being more content in thinking about the present. It was easier that way, daydreaming was too distracting. They hadn't dared to hope what would happen when this is over, because war was unpredictable as it was unreasonable. So even though they all worked for that day when the fighting ends, they didn't think about what would happen after.

But during the silence between battles, she couldn't help but feel excited and wonder slightly about the future despite protests from her rational mind, dreaming about the promise of finally being able to spent time with him, fantasizing how they can just be "Murrue" and "Mwu" instead of "Captain" and "Commander".

Most times, she chose not to think about the future, choosing to distract herself with current battle strategies because she was afraid that if she did, she would get her hopes up too high, and would fall harder; because she didn't want to disappoint herself; because if it couldn't happen, her heart would break again. And every time she thought about how everything would be right, a part of her mind would think about everything that could go wrong. Her mind was trained for this, as part of the military, she learned to expect and prepare for the worst.

But even though she prepared herself mentally, if unconsciously, for the worst case possible, what had happened still came as a shock. She found her questioning herself countless times, Is this real?

............................. And every time I look, I thought you were there,
But it was just my imagination. ............................

She always seemed to be losing him; her heart seemed to always break for him. She thought she had lost him in Alaska, and that they were to never meet again, her heart breaking as he walked away from her. But he came back for her, and mended her heart.

With that mindset, many times she found herself half-expecting to see him standing there, grinning at her, or assuring her from his usual place behind the captain's chair. But when she did a double take and reached out to touch him, reality would come crashing down on her as she realized that she was alone, that her fists clutched only air.

"I knew I could make the impossible possible!"

When she had heard his crackling voice over the intercom, sounding so nonchalant, as if it was no big deal, then disappearing with the Strike, her heart finally shattered as tears escaped her eyes. Because she knew that even though Mwu had always said he could make the impossible possible, Death was one thing that he could not overcome, one thing that he couldn't make possible.

But she would learn to cope. She was strong, right?

Getting up, she put on her uniform and left her room, feeling the need to clear her head. She was thinking too much again.

She wondered around the ship aimlessly, avoiding the people who passed by. And they, understanding her feelings, said nothing to her. This ship held so many memories. His presence was everywhere on this ship, haunting her, yet she was strangely comforted by it. She reached out a hand to touch the cool metal of the corridors, remembering how it used to echo with his voice and merry laughter. In times of war, he was somehow always able to make this place seem less dreary and brought light to the tough situations. Now, she didn't know what to do. He had always managed to take a load off her shoulders, cheer her up, and if only for a moment, forget the stress as the captain of the "legged ship".

Her feet had taken her to the hanger. She stared at the empty dock of the Strike and felt her heart clench. The Strike had left a void in the hanger, just as he had left a void in her heart. In her mind's eye, she replayed when she had come to see him off.

"Don't worry, I'll be right back, with victory in hand."

He had kissed her then, his last kiss, and she could still feel it on her lips.

It was the last time she'd ever saw him, she suddenly realized. It finally seemed to sink in that he would never come back, never to be with her again. Tears stung at her eyes, and she quickly wiped them away. She would stay strong. But nevertheless, she left the hanger quickly, feeling the need to get away from those thoughts and memories for a while.

Without realizing it, she had wondered into the locker room. It was her first time in here actually, but it was a place where he had spent a lot of time. Absent-mindedly, she started opening the lockers. Most were empty, as they had more lockers than pilots. But when she opened one, her tears threatened to spill again as her heart tightened.

There, in the open locker, hung an Earth Alliance uniform.

With trembling hands, she reached for it. As she almost reached it, her hand recoiled a bit, as if afraid to touch it, afraid that it was just another ghostly image, a creation of her mind, an illusion.

Her fingers came into contact with the soft fabric, and slowly, she bunched the material in her hands, assuring her mind that it was indeed real. Gently, she lifted it off its hook.

She stroked it in wonder. A single tear escaped her eyes and landed on the black shoulder band that marked his ranking.

She buried her face in the soft material, taking in its scent. It still held his scent, coupled with the smell of detergent. Tears fell from her eyes, soaking into the fabric as she cried silently.

A clank of an object hitting the floor caught her attention. She looked up from the uniform turned her gaze to the floor. Her eyes caught a small black velvet box. She deduced that it must've fell from the pocket of the coat.

She gently set down the uniform on the bench, and kneeling down, she picked up the object with trembling fingers. She turned the box in her fingers, feeling the softness of the velvet. Her heart pounded as she proceeded to opening it, whether from excitement or fear, she didn't know. The box clicked open, and she felt her throat tighten.

Inside, was a beautiful golden ring with a single diamond.

It was then, that she finally gave up trying to hold her emotions back as tears spilled freely from her eyes, floating in the low gravity like drops of diamond. She knelt there on the floor, her shoulders shaking uncontrollably as she wept.

She tilted her head back, sitting against the lockers for support as she struggled to breath through the choking tears. In her hands, she clutched the black box tightly. One thing ran through her mind at that moment.

Why...

...................... I wanna go to a place where I can say
That I'm all right and I'm staying there with you. ......................

The battles and fighting had finally ceased. The day that they'd both been looking forward to, the time that she was supposed to be spending with him was finally here. But now that it had arrived, she didn't know what to do. She had nowhere to go, no one to spend the peaceful times with.

The world has its peace, but where's my peace?

AN: I think that was the most angsty one. I like writing angst (hides behind Mwu from the rotten vegetables being thrown) because it comes so easily. I've been wanting to write the after scene for a while. and those first few lines of "I wanna go to a place" (beautiful song) immediately made me think of Mwu and Murrue.

the locker room scene was inspired by Phase 30 of SEED, the scene where Athrun was crying into Nicol's uniform, and then those sheets of music tumbled out.

also, the illusion idea came from the after SEED OVA, when there was a10 second scene with Murrue sitting in her living room drinking coffee, then on an opposite chair,sat a see-through, ghostly image of Mwu, smiling at her and raising his mug to her. that scene just broke my heart TT