Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ 'Til Him ❯ 'Til Him ( Chapter 1 )

The Song Fic Arc

Story 1: `Til Him

 

Author's Notes: I am a music fanatic. Lately, I've been going through all of my songs that I have on iTunes, (around 6,000 so it's taking me awhile) and I realized that I could make a Gundam Wing fic out of just about all of them. So, this idea popped into my head. The Challenge: make a 1+2/1x2 fic for every song I have (including instrumental). I'm starting out with all of my English language ones because I don't have some of the translations for the others.

 

Song: `Til Him

Artist: Matthew Broderick and Nathan Lane

Album: The Producers

Language: English

Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBaCd_WAVSA

Please note that I don't watch Smallville, nor is this an advertisement for it, I just picked this link so you could listen to the song, which I love very much. I don't even like the video since the song is supposed to be between two guys, but I'm not that nit picky.

 

Warnings: Sap, yaoi, post war, song fic, angst, mention of self mutilation and insanity.

Pairings: 1+2

Author's Note: this is just the rough draft of the actual fic. I just want to know how people like it before I tackle the full version. Um, someone out there should definitely do a Gundam Wing version of The Producers. Most likely with Duo as Max and Heero as Leo, I think it would be hysterical, but I'm no good at humor. Also the first thing that I've written in awhile that doesn't have some sort of kinky sex going on.

 

//Leo: your honor, while I was in Reno and had everything I could ever dream of, I suddenly realized that this man, this man…

No one ever made me feel like someone

`Til him//

 

Heero waited patiently for Duo come down the stairs. It was three years now since the war ended and he and his best friend were living together, had been since a few days after the war had ended. It had been hard for Heero to admit at first, but he had known it all along; they completed each other. They weren't lovers, though everyone, even their fellow Gundam pilots, assumed that they were. Heero wished that they were and he knew that Duo had feelings for him. Before Heero had finally realized just how deep his feelings were for Duo, he had always deeply believed that he was perfect. He spoke hundreds of languages, could heal three times as fast as a normal human, could bend steel, hack into any data base, and could get a job anywhere. He had been trained to be the perfect soldier. He didn't need anyone but himself. Sure, he had not been trained outside of war, but with his flexibility and intelligence, he had been confident that, even in the very unlikely situation that he survived, he could live in peacetime and co-exist as a civilian. But, the closer he got to Duo, the more he realized how empty his life was. How empty he was. His confidence was a lie. A well constructed lie, but a lie was a lie. Duo had destroyed him, but he had also put back the pieces. Heero felt like all of the classic cars and motorcycles Duo worked on when he wasn't working at the orphanage he had built. Duo had found him, still operational, and torn him apart. However, when he had built him back up, he was beyond operational, he felt new and clean and… ironically… perfect.

Heero was constantly surrounded by people looking for his favor. It made him sick inside knowing how, with the exception of Quatre, the other Gundam pilots had been pushed in the dark, though at the same time he envied them. He wished that there was some sort of middle ground. He wanted to be respected for the things he and his friends had done to bring peace, all of the things that they had suffered, but he also wanted to be left alone. Yes, he was surrounded by people, but they only made him feel like an object. He was like a statue, well polished, gleaming and admired, but unable to do anything than stay stationary and be gawked at. He never felt that way with Duo, though. All of his achievements, all the battles and scars, these things were admired, but when he looked in Duo's eyes, there was no Heero worship. Duo did not put him up on a pedestal. He deeply respected him, yes, but mostly Duo admired him, not for the things that he had done, but what he was. When Heero was with him, he was human.

 

 

 

 

//Life was really nothing but a glum one

`Til him//

 

After the war, all of the Gundam pilots suffered a period much like an addict going through rehab. They went through paranoia. Everywhere they looked, they saw imagined corruption. They jumped at the slightest sound and thought that they saw Ozzies at every corner. They all had had their own personal demons to face. Wufei dreamt of his lost wife and clan. His nightmares bled over while he was awake. For a time, the dragon had worked for the Preventers. However, he started to see the rotting bodies of his clan everywhere, stalking him. He heard Meiran's voice in his ear, telling him to continue seeking revenge. He knew that this was not her. The noble and honest girl would never have told him such things. He quit the Preventers and began to seek the therapy as he was the only one of them that had not gone through it as soon as the war ended. Trowa suffered the worst of all of them by PTSD. Even in perfect silence, he heard the haunting sounds of Heavyarms' gatling guns, a piercing, repetitive sound. He awoke every night to the smells of gunpowder, blood, and rotting flesh. It had taken a year for any sort of treatment to set in, but Quatre was tenacious. The pair had gone through a severe trial. Trowa had believed that he was not safe to be around and had fled. Quatre, however, was more stubborn than people believed and tracked his lover down wherever he went. Quatre, on the other hand, had also taken a dark path. He was consumed with guilt over his father, sister, the colony he had destroyed while under the influence of the Zero system, and a number of other things. Duo, despite his own problems during that time, was the only one to notice that Quatre had taken to cutting his arms to try to relieve his bad feelings. Duo had tried to get the blonde to tell his therapist about it, but the American never thought that Quatre had. Once Quatre knew that his own lover was suffering, searching for Trowa took up all of his time and the scars stopped spreading. He was completely and totally consumed with finding him. In Quatre's mind, being with Trowa and being healed had become one singular thing. Things were never perfect, but they were better. Heero knew for a fact that Trowa's reactions had dulled and Quatre's guilt was slowly being replaced as the two worked in the colonies, trying to rebuild the damage from the war.

Heero, on the other hand, had not suffered long lasting damage. For one whole week, he had holed up in his room. His being was consumed with sincere belief that the current government and old enemies were everywhere, searching for him, conspiring against him. Therapy wasn't helping him much because Heero couldn't open up. His training stayed with him. At times, he was lost in flashbacks, believing that he was a child again, going through J's horrors. The only thing that drew him out of his constant state of anxiety and wariness was Duo. It was as simple as having someone to trust, someone, a point man, there to tell him that he would have his back. When the paranoia dissipated, just a little bit, reason was able to filter through. Heero was so concerned with facing his own demons, to try to live an adjusted life, that he didn't see that Duo was also hurting.

It had started with a simple smell. Cigarette smoke. Heero hated the smell; it reminded him of the unpleasant scent of burning bodies. He hated the smell, but he decided that it was none of his business if Duo took up the habit. Heero, himself, would have done anything to find an outlet, something that would relax himself. Or rather, something he could do in the light of day. Something he didn't have to hide from his roommate, like the fact that Heero would wait until Duo was fast asleep and start to play with his hair. It confused him, though. He smelled cigarette smoke, but he never once saw Duo smoke, nor did his best friend display classic smoking behavior. The boy had been growing thin and… displaced. He, like during the war, retreated to that place inside of him that was dark, but safe, and replaced the emptiness with his masks. One day, Heero came home to that strong smell and could take no more. Duo was hiding again and Heero hated that fact. Where was his best friend, the boy that had finally helped him to get to the point where he could receive therapy? Where was the smiling, bright boy that he had fallen in love with and who was this quiet, reserved person that laughed loudly at the drop of a hat, but rarely smiled? So, Heero broke the golden rule, he invaded Duo's privacy and opened his bedroom door. Duo was sitting at the edge of the bed, lost in concentration, his violet eyes dark in pain and memory, the long, black sleeves of his shirt rolled up, and he was pressing one of those hateful cigarettes to his skin, the hot stick searing through his skin, turning the spot into another scarred place, like the hundreds of such scars on his arm from months of self abuse. Heero opened his mouth to scream at him, the smell of burning flesh filling his nose, but only a strangled gasp came out. Duo's head shot up, his eyes wide in a mixture of shock, pain, betrayal, and… hope?

“I have to be burned,” Duo said his voice thick and his eyes far off, as though he was under the influence of some hallucinogen, but Heero recognized the signs of a man stuck in a memory.

“Why?” Heero finally managed to work out.

“I need to burn. I was supposed to burn with them. If I burn… they'll go away, right?” Duo's voice was small, the voice of a young child. The cigarette burned deeper into Duo's skin. Heero was at his side in a minute, crushing the cigarette in the ash tray by the bed, the glass dish holding five other dead cigarettes, all encrusted with dead skin. He wrapped his arms around Duo, who was shaking.

“No, Duo,” Heero said, “They're not burning anymore, and neither are you.”

 

//My existence bordered on a tragic

Always timid, never took a chance//

 

Things were better now. Sure, Duo still had his nightmares, but he didn't hide them anymore. Much like a real smoker, Duo had had to go through an extensive program to kick his habit of self mutilation. Duo, at one point in his therapy, sat Heero down and showed him his arms and legs. Each limb seemed to belong to a separate person. His left arm was covered in burns caused by cigarettes, cigars, incense, and even a long, triangle shaped, horrific burn that looked like it had been caused by their own iron. His right arm looked like a junkie had gone needle happy. The poor limb was covered in badly scarred punctures. Duo explained that he had never done drugs, but he had used long needles to cause himself pain. His left leg had long, deep cuts caused by razors and knives of all sorts. His right leg had deep, angry bruises caused by belts, whips, and finger marks. Looking at the signs of severe abuse, he wondered how he could ever have missed this. The trash can filled with broken shaving razors, the first aid kit that was always missing needles, the limping, the smell that he had mistaken as just cigarettes, but as he looked back now, was clearly burning flesh. Heero had always seen a bit of himself in Duo, so how could he have not seen the pain in Duo's eyes as well as his own?

But, Duo was better, so were the rest of them. Not perfect, they still suffered from the after affects of the war and their so-called `childhood'.

Now, Heero suffered from a pain that had nothing to do with guilt or post traumatic stress disorder. He watched Duo emerge from the shower wearing only a towel and felt his heart pound. He watched Duo sleep, running his fingertips against his locks, so lightly as Duo was still a soldier and Heero's biggest nightmare was of him waking up in the middle of his nightly ritual. A blush spread over Heero's cheeks as he watched Duo bend over a 1970 Dodge Challenger, his body beautiful in the tight jeans. Heero was socially awkward, but he was not ignorant of the ways of the world. He wouldn't have lasted more than a day as a terrorist if he hadn't at least understood how humans were supposed to behave. He understood love and he understood these feelings that he had for Duo. The sensation was not solely unpleasant. Yes, it was embarrassing not being able to tell Duo how he lusted after him when he was constantly only a few feet away, but the world was brighter, more vibrant, and he felt more alive now that that singular emotion had opened up the floodgates. Duo was so near, and Heero felt his fingertips hovering, longing to touch that pale skin, just a little touch that his fingers would remember forever, but he could never close that one inch gap. He always hesitated.

 

//Then I felt his magic

And my heart began to dance//

 

Movies, skating in the winter, walks through the parks, Heero had never experienced any of these things before Duo had come into his life. In the past, he had viewed these activities as frivolous, something for children yearning for a thrill or simply going through the motions, something that was not for him. But, Duo had shown him that even a simple thing as a walk in the autumn was an experience filled with wonder and beauty. The sight of a simple leaf, floating gently on the wind, filled Heero with a sense of childish fulfillment, but the sight in itself was not childish. Heero never realized that watching a movie in the theaters with someone you loved and respected was so much different than simply watching one at home by yourself. The scent of popcorn and the taste of soda was now a trigger for him, it reminded him of all those times sitting in the dark, large spaces, the huge screen filling his head with wondrous sights that only could be seen in a movie, his arm flung around Duo's shoulders, his whole body feeling his best friend's heat. Simple, everyday things, but Heero cherished them deep in his memories like precious, irreplaceable heirlooms.

 

//I was always frightened filled with worry

`Til him

I was going nowhere in a hurry

`Til him//

 

Heero had had expectations after the war was done with. True, he had never thought that he would survive, but he still had an idea what would happen. He had lived his life as a terrorist and would work as a soldier. Perhaps he would find some woman and get married, have a few kids. Wasn't that what life was about, procreation and the status quo? Or so he thought. What was the point of breathing, of having any memories at all unless you could look to your next second with anticipation? He didn't want any of those things, not anymore.

 

//He filled up my empty life

Filled it to the brim//

 

All Duo had to do was laugh, and Heero felt that his life was now filled with beauty. He turned down Une's job at the Preventer's, though she constantly harassed the both of them. In the past, he would have been jealous of Duo, his best friend had started his own orphanage, something that had had a huge impact in his life as both a child and an adult, but now Heero felt as though he was sharing fulfillment with him instead of just leeching. He did not search long for a purpose as he had found one in Duo. He helped his friend accomplish his dream and he had thought that that was enough. He helped Duo find a suitable place, helped him build, and helped him get funding. Because Heero had felt no pressure in this sort of lifestyle, he was relaxed and able to see that this was what he wanted to do with his life, help people, help Duo. The kids had made him nervous at first, but, like how he was at first with Duo, he learned that they were a blessing, not a curse. He felt much farther away from Wufei's situation. The dragon had been in such a hurry to bury himself in what he was supposed to do, he had pressured himself into unhappiness. There wasn't a day that went by that Heero wasn't glad for Duo's presence, for so many reasons.

 

//There could never ever be another one

Like him//

 

Heero sometimes wondered if maybe he wasn't barking up the wrong tree. Yes, he knew that he loved Duo Maxwell, but what he was seeing as love in Duo for him, could very well be friendship. The longhaired boy felt things so deeply; it was easy to see why he had had such a melt down after the war. But, he knew that Duo was one of a kind and that these feelings were never going to go away. It wasn't like he could just give up on him and try to find someone similar, such a thing was impossible. The only thing he could do was take a chance. In the past, he never could, but now, because of Duo, he felt that he had that ability.

 

//Max: Leo, I… I never realized… you're a good singer

 

Leo: Thank you, Max. I sang it for you. I sang it because I am your friend.

 

//Max: You are? Gee, I've had a lot of relationships, but you couldn't call any of them `friend'. But come to think of it-

No one ever, ever really knew me

`Til him *old ladies humming in the background*//

 

Duo pulled the shirt over his head. He didn't know what surprise Heero had in store for him tonight, but he knew that as long as he was with Heero, he would enjoy it. It had always been that way with Heero, even during the war. His strength, his ability to understand without asking stupid questions… when Duo really thought about it, it was obvious to him why he had fallen in love with his best friend. They were so alike, but at the same time, very, very different. They understood each other and they learned from each other. It was confusing and beautiful. Heero had saved him so many times; he couldn't even count all of them anymore. He missed his friends so much; it felt like his heart was just as scarred as the rest of him. After Solo died, he hadn't had a real friend, but even Solo hadn't understood him like Heero did. That was the price that they paid. Living on the streets was at times worse than fighting in a war. In war, connecting with people is easier. You go through the same experiences and bonding between your comrades is needed. Having someone you trust to watch your back is invaluable. On the streets, however, no one can be trusted. Everyone is out for themselves and people die in a variety of ways. In war, you could get shot, blown up, any number of things, but on the streets you could overdose, get raped, or get stabbed in the back by your best friend for a piece of moldy bread. It made it impossible to connect with people on any deep level. You expected to see them dead in an alley the next day or for them to sell you out to a pimp for a few bucks. In fact, Duo knew these experiences very well. He had made the great error as a child of trusting completely. He had thought that Solo, his great protector and older brother would be there forever. But, Solo was gone now, nothing more than a few specks of ash on L2. He had made that mistake again with Sister Helen and Father Maxwell and everyone else at the church. He had made friends with the other orphans, only to watch them be sent off to families while he staid alone. He was too skinny, his eyes too strange, his hair too long, he had too many scars, he was too unruly. So many different excuses, but at least with Sister Helen and Father Maxwell he felt like he could pretend that he had a family, that he was normal. After the Maxwell Church Massacre, something vital had been torn from him. It left a terrible, gaping, numb and hungry hole inside of him. He was finally beginning to learn the price of relationships, of feeling. He would always blame himself for the Massacre. If he had been faster, smarter, anything more than what he was, he could have saved them, but he was a fuck up, he understood that now. He should have burned alive like Father Maxwell and the other kids that hadn't made it to the doors in time. They had just burned away while the others succumbed to the falling glass and debris of the building. That should have been him. After the church's destruction, Duo was back on the streets and had made the same mistake again, hopefully for the last time, but life was cruel, so who knew when this sort of thing would happen again? Who knew, maybe it was one of those circle things? People leaving him, betraying him, over and over and over again.

Duo had done everything he could to try to fill the emptiness inside of him. He tried hurting others, but that only made him feel guilty. He stole liquor, but it only made the space grow and made him sick. Duo found that he could never be alone for long. It was like some sort of physics law; people just… gravitated to him. Alexander had been older than Duo, but was new to the streets. His parents had died in an air raid and no one had stepped forward to take care of him. He had only been on the streets for a month before he had found Duo. Duo knew that Alex had always resented the fact that Duo was eight and he was thirteen, yet Duo was obviously the alpha male between the two of them. Duo had not expected the taller boy to last very long. One week was particularly hard. The Alliance had stepped up their patrols so it was nearly impossible to steal and they could not find anything in the dumpsters. So, Alex had succumbed to weakness. He sold Duo off to a man for a sandwich. After that night, Duo never saw Alex again, though he did not look for him very hard. The man that Alex had sold him to was not a pimp, but an Alliance soldier looking for a convenient, and free, fuck. It had hurt so bad that Duo had thought he was dying and when it was all over, he wished he had died. However, through the humiliation and violation, Duo realized something: the sex and pain filled the void. Not by much, but enough to keep away the worst of the feelings inside of him. So, after he had healed up enough, he went hunting. He didn't become a prostitute, he became something worse. A prostitute would use his or her body to get a bite to eat and a place to sleep; he was using it like a drug to keep the voices in his head from screaming too loudly. When the pain took over, it was all he could concentrate on and that was a blessing. Even during the war, Duo would sneak off at nights, find the nearest club, and find some guy to fuck. He wasn't an idiot about it. He was desperate, not careless. He made sure the guys were safe, psychologically and physically. When he was having sex, he felt a little less alone, a little less… hollow. And yet, ironically, it made him feel more and more lonely, if that made any sense. He saw what Quatre and Trowa had and wished that someone could love him like that. He wished he could rely on another person that he loved instead of some stranger in a seedy motel. He felt so dirty all the time, until something changed. Heero… Duo knew that Heero wasn't the cold, emotionless person that everyone thought. Heero was just like him, empty and sad, longing for some comfort, and that was the best therapy at all.

 

//Everyone was always out to screw me

`Til him//

 

After the war, he and Heero started to live together and Duo's long nights came to an end. Just the thought of those lovely blue eyes turning to him in disappointment caused a near visceral reaction. He would never take the chance of Heero learning about his other life. Heero had shocked him. His whole life, people had taken advantage of him in some way. Solo had used him because Duo was very small and vulnerable looking, that made it easier for him to steal for the rest of them. The Maxwell Church had used him to increase their funding and to try to get more street orphans to come there. Professor G had used him as a pilot. Sure, Sister Helen, Father Maxwell, and Solo had all loved him, but that did not mean that they had never used him to further themselves. After two years of living with Heero, Duo was still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Yet, Heero had never really asked Duo to do anything for him. Sure, they shared chores and went out together, but it was a very mutual thing. Perhaps he was using Duo for companionship, but that didn't make any sense since Heero had other friends besides him. Heero had never abused him. Yes, they had had arguments and fists and words had been tossed around between them throughout their friendship, but Duo gave as well as he got. With Heero, he felt safe. He knew that when his back was turned, Heero would be the one to protect it, not shoot it. He only hoped that Heero had that sort of trust in him as well.

 

 

//Never met a man I ever trusted

Always dealt with shysters in the past//

 

When Duo's outlet of sex had disappeared, he finally found a new one: pain. It was amazing how easy it was to mutilate himself, punish himself for all the things he had done and get away with it. He saw himself in Heero. His best friend was also hurting, so he had done everything he could to help him. He didn't blame Heero at all for not seeing what he was doing to himself, Heero had much more important things to do than watch out for Duo, but he had still hoped. He had hoped that Heero would see him and understand. One part of him was terrified of Heero finding out, while another part yearned to be held by the beautiful, strong boy that he had fallen in love with. What had happened to the Gundam pilot that he used to be? During the war, Duo could draw strength from himself, no matter how damaged he was, but now it was like all he felt was exhaustion. It was only when he felt Heero's presence that he truly felt that he could sleep safely. When he was with Heero, he didn't feel that he had to wear masks and try to be strong. He knew that if he fell, Heero would be there to pick up the pieces.

 

//Now I'm well adjusted

`Cause I got a friend

At last//

 

Heero had done so much for him. He had let him live with him, he had helped Duo through the worst moments of his depression, and had even helped him discover what he wanted to do with the rest of his life.

The war had ended and all of the pilots had been confused about what they wanted to do. Several agencies had tried to get them. Some just wanted them as figure heads to further themselves while others wanted them for military purposes. The Gundam pilots were desperate, but they saw these people for who they really were. They were just like their controllers, they only wanted to use them and they weren't willing to go through that again. For the first time in their lives, they were free. However, freedom, like everything else, had a price. For an entire year, Wufei, Trowa, and Quatre wandered in the world of occupation and purpose. Wufei went to space to try to help rebuild his colony. Trowa returned to the circus. Quatre went to his company. As for Duo and Heero, they moved to Sanq to help Relena rebuild while trying to search for a more permanent placement. Wufei quickly realized that he just couldn't handle the memories, trying to turn the new L5 into what it was, was too painful, so he returned to Earth. Trowa missed Quatre too much, so he quit the circus and went to L4 to find his lover. Quatre, while he had the know how to keep WEI going, he had no desire or passion for the job. He lasted a few months with Trowa finally by his side before he couldn't handle it anymore and handed it down to his eldest sister. The move created a huge stink with WEI's shareholders and the Winner family, but Quatre didn't care and he and Trowa moved to Sanq to help Heero and Duo. It was like old times with the five of them living together. Duo was amazed at the whole experience. He was expecting the current government to come knocking on their door at any minute to drag them off to some prison or execute them. He didn't know how Relena had gotten to the Gundam pilots' adversaries, but by the time she had finished meeting with the ESUN president and officials, no one was screaming for their blood anymore. Yes, they had had some demands in order to be free, but in their minds, they weren't that bad. They were allowed to have small arms and pilot, they were even given pensions and medals and had become emancipated minors. Duo had a sneaking suspicion that the former Queen of the World had thrown a temper tantrum or something. They weren't allowed to operate mecha of any kind and they had had to hand over their Gundams. They all missed their mecha, but they understood the fear that was circling about them. They had held onto the Gundams as much as they could, but when the order had come down, they hadn't had a choice, it was either the Gundams or prison. Quatre, Trowa, Duo, and Heero handed Wing, Heavyarms, Sandrock, and Deathscythe over with little fuss even though their hearts were breaking when they did so. Wufei, on the other hand, once he had found out about the order, had fled with Shenglong. Then, the Mariemeia rebellion had occurred.

At the end of what was being called the second Eve war, the five pilots had heard about a bold venture called the Preventer's. Duo was sure that Wufei and Heero would go. Duo knew that Quatre had no desire to join and therefore, Trowa would not go anywhere that Quatre was not. Duo, on the other hand, was torn. He was still feeling the aftereffects of being a Gundam pilot and a street rat and wanted nothing to do with combat anymore. He just wanted to help people. He felt naked without weapons at the same time that the sight of gun gave him panic attacks. He wanted nothing to do with the Preventer's. He knew that Une was not the same person that she had been during the war, but honestly, he couldn't understand how people had assumed he would join up with a woman that had tried her damnedest to kill him and, at one point, had even tortured him. Still, if Heero became a Preventer, Duo knew that his stupid heart would betray him. After the Eve war, Une had attempted to recruit them all by visiting them personally. Wufei had, predictably, joined the Preventer's the second that he had heard about it. Une primarily wanted Heero and Quatre under her hand. In Duo's eyes, it was obvious that she would want the perfect soldier and if Quatre was an agent, they would get a lot of funding. However, she was in for a nasty shock when Quatre had shut the door in her face. She had tried time after time until Trowa had threatened her with a restraining order. Around that time, Wufei had had his break down and had gone to college, quitting the Preventers forever and Quatre and Trowa had moved to L4. So, Lady Une went after Heero. Duo was astonished when Heero told Une that he would not be joining unless he had a partner he could trust and Duo was the only one he would ever trust. Pleasure and self pride blossomed in Duo when he heard that. Then, the choice had fallen purely on Duo's shoulders. Une's eyes had been scary and determined, like an angry hawk. Duo knew that the tall woman didn't like him much. She had some personal feelings that were damaged by how many times he had eluded her and basically spat in her face, but she was willing to deal with him if he could get Heero in her clutches. Duo had struggled with this decision. He was sure that Heero wanted to join, but his best friend had made the choice his and Duo really, really didn't want to. To Duo's surprise, Heero took one look in Duo's eyes, then turned back to Une.

“I won't be going,” he told her. Une sputtered.

“But he didn't answer!” She exclaimed, glaring at Duo. Heero gave her a fierce look.

“Didn't he?”

Une left then, but her harassment didn't end. She continued to call and visit, trying every dirty trick to get Heero to enroll. It finally took a call to Quatre to make her back off. The head of the Preventers had high status in the newly created government, but even the ex-head of the Winner family had a few tricks.

It actually didn't take that long for Duo to discover what he wanted to do. Sanq was in bad shape after the war and it had taken a whole year just to get the palace to what it had been. Sanq was a hugely populated area. Construction was nice and all, but as they were rebuilding the buildings, he saw the things that they were really trying to salvage; people. Sanq had very few rescue units and shelter for the people that no longer had homes. By the time that the Mariemeia Rebellion had happened, most of Sanq had been rebuilt, but the amount of homeless was still staggering. Even Relena was forced to admit that they had a problem. Duo remembered the time that he had spent at Maxwell Church and how much it had helped him; and how much it hurt when it was gone. With Heero's help, Duo had been able to create a bunch of Orphanages and shelters and finally Sanq was starting to look like it always had.

Heero had done so much for Duo, he was afraid that he would never be able to show the blue eyed boy just how much he was loved.

 

//*says to old ladies* Don't help me//

 

So much had happened since the war had ended and Duo had tried to give up his bad habits. Since living with Heero he had never again had a one night stand. Like any addiction, it was hard, but he had stayed with it and in the end, it was worth it. He didn't feel so dirty and useless anymore. So, he thought for sure that his past had been left behind him. But, the past always comes back to bite you in the ass, doesn't it?

 

*****

 

He and Heero had been on a nice night out. They had finished up work at the orphanage they operated on their own. The others all were self sufficient by now, but the largest he and Heero worked in together. They didn't live there, but they might as well considering how many hours they were there. There were aides that spent the night with the children, all trustworthy people from the war that they knew and respected. They had just eaten dinner and were off to see some hyped up horror/science fiction flick. While Heero went to buy the tickets, Duo loitered by the snacks. The line was long, but they had plenty of time. Duo hung out in the corner, their snacks already bought and placed on one of the concession counters in which the line was closed. He didn't mind waiting for Heero. It gave him the chance to just sit back and take a deep breath. For a Friday, the movies weren't all that crowded, which Duo considered a blessing. He and Heero could just enjoy themselves without the hassle of dealing with excited teenagers, Duo thought, almost laughing at the irony of that statement. That was what he and Heero were supposed to be, but he wasn't all that bitter about it. He didn't think that he would understand as many things as he did if he hadn't been forced to mature as quickly. He wouldn't love Heero as much as he did now, either. Because of his childhood and teenage years, he understood how quickly things could turn bad and he understood that things didn't have to be perfect. He was able to love Heero completely, as he was. The perfect example of what prolonged childhood could do to a person was Relena. She had known all about Heero's past, but refused to acknowledge it. Instead, she tried as hard as she could to turn Heero into something that she wanted. Duo refused to do that. Not only was that disrespectful to Heero, Duo truly loved him. He loved every part of the stubborn, driven Japanese boy. Heero was a soldier, but he was also a human being. So, he did what he could to draw out the child that was Heero Yuy while understanding that he was also a soldier and should be treated with respect, not hesitation. Heero was connected to his gun and computer and Duo knew this. Sure, the laptop annoyed him from time to time, but Duo knew that he had no right, nor did he want the right, to deny something that made Heero feel safe and connected. It was the same with the gun. Heero had once told him that J had trained him to not be able to function without a weapon. So, while it bothered Duo that Heero always had the weapon with him, he didn't do anything to tip Heero off about his feelings. Duo knew that he would not only be severely offended if someone took his knives or cut off his braid, he would feel too vulnerable. He knew that Heero didn't like that Duo hid all sorts of sharp things on him and that having long hair was bothersome, but he loved Heero because the other boy understood what these things meant to him.

So, while waiting for Heero, Duo thought about what it would be like to be `normal' but he didn't think that he yearned for it as much as some people would think. He had never really been proud of who he was, but he was slowly learning how to at least have self satisfaction. Duo had been careless. Deep in his thoughts about Heero, he didn't know that someone was behind him. However, though they were all removed from the war somewhat, such things never quite go away. The second he felt hot breath on his neck, his heart pounded and his muscles tensed. He was ready for action. The man had barely touched Duo's arm before he was slammed against the wall. The girl that was working the concession stand looked over at them nervously; however, she recognized Duo quickly and went back to doing her job. It was one of the few perks of being a Gundam pilot; those that respected you let you get away with a lot.

Duo recognized the man that he was pinning down. It was one of his one-nighters. He was very tall with dark blue eyes and brown red hair. Duo racked his brain, but he forgot the man's name, he wasn't even sure if he had ever given it, Duo sure had never given anyone his, though he was sure that most of them knew it. The man was tall, but Duo was stronger, so he didn't feel threatened, he just wanted him out of his hair before Heero noticed them.

“What the fuck do you want?!” Duo snarled. The man smirked and put up his hands in a `surrender' posture.

“Was'sa matter?” The man said, grinning in a lewd way, no doubt remembering what Duo had looked like, sans clothes, “Ain't you got the time to spend with an ol' pal? I sure gave you a bit of mine not too long ago.”

“That's in the past,” Duo snapped, “I never wanted to see you again and you said that you understood. Obviously, you are either very dumb or a liar. Get out of my face now unless you want to go through plastic surgery to get your face fixed.”

“Hey, no need to get violent,” the man said. He placed a large hand on Duo's hip, his fingers trying to slip under Duo's jeans to feel the skin that he had known once intimately.

“We had fun, didn't we?”

Duo gritted his teeth and growled. What was with this guy and his aversion to the word `no'?

“That's in the past, I don't do shit like that anymore. I'll say it again, go away or you won't be trailing after boys for a very long time.”

The man's grin turned from playful and horny to dangerous. Duo felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up and his shoulders itched in the way they had in the war when he had desperately wanted a gun but was unable to have one in the moment.

“I don't think you want to do that, Maxwell.”

Duo's violet eyes turned dark and narrowed. He hated that he was easily recognized. All five of the Gundam pilots had had problems with notoriety over the years. With Quatre and Heero it was the worst. Quatre was in the spotlight because of his father and his wealth. There was really no way around it, however, this fame had caused mostly positive reactions in people as no one thought that the sweet, golden Winner boy could be anything other than a hero. It was the same with Heero. He had become famous by saving the Earth twice and had become the ESUN poster boy. Everywhere he went he got flowers and people asking for autographs or handshakes. Duo, Wufei, and Trowa had also gotten some fame, but since they were not so in the open and were seen as mysterious figures, they had gotten a lot of bad reputations. The public's consensus was that they wouldn't be hiding unless they were ashamed of the things they had done and therefore were guilty of something. Of course, there were also a lot of people who thought that they were heroes, but since they didn't have the notoriety of Heero and Quatre, people weren't as afraid to send them hate mail. Duo's biggest concern was that the media would get a hold of his past, or at least it had been.

Duo smirked back at the man. The man seemed to back off a little at the confident look.

“Go right ahead. Are you an idiot or do you just not read the papers?”

The man looked confused so Duo decided to enlighten him.

“Right after the war, the media did a little hunting. My whole past got leaked out. Of course, the only people's opinions that I care about had gotten some nasty rumors posted, too. They thought that it was a hoax, none of `em realized that everything was the truth. So, go ahead and tell whoever you like about our night together. You're not the first to try to blackmail me with it, but it's old news.”

The man turned angry and Duo jumped as he felt an arm on his shoulder.

“Duo? You ok?” Heero asked, concerned. He glared at the man that Duo had been talking to. His best friend was tense and he blamed this person for it. Duo glared at the man as well. The twin glares made the person shrink a little.

“Yeah,” Duo's smile was sweet, yet terrifying and the man knew that if he really did try to make trouble, it wouldn't be for long. Where was the wildcat he had bedded so long ago? In its place was a ferocious tiger looking for an excuse to gut him.

“Heero, let's go.”

The man swallowed visibly. He instinctively knew that it didn't matter what he said, if he upset the longhaired boy, Yuy would do a lot worse than eviscerate him. Heero gave the stranger one last glare before steering Duo into the movie theater. He didn't ask Duo who the man was. Heero wasn't Duo's mother and he trusted him that if he was in trouble he would say something, otherwise he could take care of himself.

 

//Always playing singles never doubles

`Til him//

 

Dating was a sore subject for all of them. Duo was amazed that Quatre and Trowa were in such a good relationship. No, not so much amazed as pleasantly surprised. They had all had issues with expressing affection and he was glad that at least one of them, let alone two, was in a functioning relationship. Wufei didn't date, period and dot. Duo wasn't exactly sure why. He knew that Wufei had had some problems in the past, so maybe the Chinese boy was sick of putting himself on the line only to be destroyed. Maybe it was because Wufei, like the rest of them, could only be in a serious relationship with someone who understood him and he trusted, but there was no one that he trusted that he felt any romantic feelings for. They all knew about Meiran and Sally. Wufei and Sally had dated for awhile, but sexually, things had been strained. Duo had the sneaking suspicion that Wufei wasn't as bisexual as he claimed since he and Meiran had never had sex and, according to Sally, their problems had been solely on Wufei's shoulders. Wufei did not deny this. But, despite what some people tried to pressure them into, sex was not the sole answer. Sometimes, being in a relationship was more damaging than being alone. Duo felt that this was the case with Wufei. The dragon seemed to be happiest when he was amongst his friends than with a romantic attachment. Some people just didn't need that sort of relationship in their lives. Duo, however, was not one of those people, though he wished he were. It was so painful, knowing that the only he person he had ever loved in this way was a few feet from him and he was too chicken to say a damn thing. He knew that Quatre and Wufei were just about ready to strangle him with his braid, but Duo couldn't admit those feelings to Heero. He relied on him too much. So, he had tried dating for awhile. The process was much different than one night stands. With those relationships, all he had had to do was go to the right sort of club, search for the right kind of guy, and lead said guy away for a good fucking. With dating, everything was so damn subtle and thought out, it reminded him too much of a mission. Then, there were his constant worries. The first was, he was like Wufei, and he needed someone that he could trust, but he only really trusted the other pilots. Quatre and Trowa were in a relationship together and Duo didn't feel any romantic attachment to them or Wufei. Heero… well, that was something he just couldn't touch. He had finally gotten to a wonderful point in his life where he was happy with another human being and he wasn't going to ruin that happiness for anything, even something that would turn that happiness to perfection. If he lost Heero… he was too scared to even consider the options that that concept gave him. The other thing he worried about was sex. He had spent the last few years wandering from one sexual encounter to the next. He was afraid that he no longer had the ability to be sexually interested in anyone for more than a few days. If anything, he felt oversexed and dried out. He just didn't feel attractive anymore. Then, Heero would look at him, and Duo would feel like a kid again, curious and excited. It was a very… nice… feeling. So, he had dated for a few months, but he got so sick of the slow dance. Not to mention the fact that it was very hard to find someone that wasn't overly impressed by the fact that he was Gundam pilot 02. He went over his list of qualities he was looking for in a lover, but it always added up the same: Heero. He felt so lost. He longed for intimacy, not necessarily sex. He loved it when Heero hugged him or just leaned against him when they were watching TV, he just wished that he could be truthful about how it made him feel.

As for Heero's dating practices, they were nonexistent. For a long time during the war, Duo had actually thought that Heero didn't have any sexuality. He was sure that that wasn't true. He wondered if Heero was fine with just having friends, if he was like Wufei or more like Duo, too particular in what he wanted to really become attached to someone besides his friends.

Duo bit his lip. Heero was probably waiting for him. Guilt ate at him. Heero deserved to know how he felt, but he was so terrified. He didn't deserve to have him, not as a lover or as a friend.

 

//Never had a pal to share my troubles

`Til him//

 

Two years. Two years to the day. On this day, Duo had moved in with him. Heero didn't know all that much about celebrations, but he thought that if anything needed to be celebrated, it was the fact that the longhaired boy was not only still his friend, but had lasted two whole years in his company. There had been fights, things and words thrown, but they had never so much as contemplated walking out on each other. That was a blessing. Heero had never had anyone to talk about his feelings before and he was amazed at how easy it was to talk to Duo. He was easily amazed that Duo wasn't scared of the things he admitted to and that talking actually did make him feel better. Heero only hoped that Duo felt the same way. Actually, they knew more about each other than anyone else, even the other pilots. Heero supposed that that said something about their relationship. But he was selfish. He had never had a `best friend' in his life, yet he was so greedy, he wanted more. He wanted to know what Duo tasted like, but was he really willing to throw away their friendship? In the past he had been terrified, but the more time he spent with Duo, the more he realized that Duo wasn't that type of person. He knew that Duo was gay because he had tried dating a year and a half ago. It hadn't gone well, but all of Duo's dates had been men, so he knew that Duo wouldn't be sickened by Heero's feelings. And yet, Heero was still scared. However, during Heero's meltdown, Duo had made him promise not to hide away anymore. If he had something to say, he should tell him and Heero refused to break any promise that he had made to Duo.

Speaking of Duo, he was taking an awfully long time to get ready. Duo loved to go out with him, but some nights, depression would hit and the violet eyed boy couldn't bear to come out of his room. Heero hoped that this wasn't one of those nights. He had always been there for Duo and knew that all Duo really needed was someone to help him through it, but Heero hated seeing him like that. He walked to Duo's room. He couldn't hear any sounds coming from the room. Duo wasn't a crier. He usually bottled things up inside, which was why he had had such a bad time after the war. However, with therapy and Heero's help, Duo was much better, but he still had bad periods where the bad feelings swelled up until he could only curl up in a corner and let the feelings consume him.

Heero had a reoccurring nightmare. He would be in their apartment, but it wasn't their apartment, not really. All of the hallways and bathrooms and bedrooms were the same, but the place was like a maze. He was calling out Duo's name, but he got no answer. He looked and looked. He couldn't find his gun, though his hand twitched to it several times, nothing was there. He finally got to Duo's room and opened the door and Duo would be curled up in his corner, staring into space as he usually did. Heero would call out his name over and over, but no response. There was no sound. When Heero got to him, he would see his gun in Duo's hand, a gruesome hole on each side of his head and gore splattered on the wall.

He opened Duo's door now, as he was awake, with the same sort of trepidation that he always did. That dream haunted him. In those moments when he was opening the door, his eyes would see his dream and his heart would pound, but then he would discover that it really was just a dream. Duo was fine.

He entered the room. He didn't call Duo's name. He wondered why in certain moments, but he always knew the answer, he was trying to do everything he could to prove to himself that the dream wasn't real. If he called out in the dream, he surely wouldn't do it now. He had never told Duo about any of this and he didn't plan to. He had told his therapist, but there were times when Duo looked at him in such concern… it warmed his heart at the same time that it made him sick inside. Heero knew how dedicated Duo was to his friends and Heero certainly didn't want to cause him anymore worry.

Duo was curled up in the corner, his back to Heero. Heero's heart pounded unpleasantly.

“Duo?” His name escaped Heero's lips before he could stop himself. Duo didn't move, didn't make a sound. Suddenly, Heero saw Duo's shoulder twitch and he dove over the bed that Duo was leaning against and was at his best friend's side in a second.

“Duo?” Heero asked again, his voice tight in worry and panic. Duo blinked up at him, his eyes dark with turbulent emotions. His eyes were slightly bloodshot, but Heero knew that he hadn't been crying. Duo was the only person he knew that could bottle up stress so badly that he could look like that.

“I'm a bad person,” Duo said, his voice small and meek, somehow managing to sound guilty and victimized at the same time. Heero rubbed his knuckles against Duo's cheek. It had been a long lesson to learn, but he knew how much touch effected Duo more than words.

“No, you're not,” Heero tried to reassure him. He hated moments like this, he was so bad at it. He wished Quatre was here, he was more versed in social relations. But Duo was his friend and he was his responsibility. If Duo was feeling bad about something, he needed to fix it.

“Why do you do that?” Duo asked, his face tensing in a look of confusion.

“What?” Heero asked, just as perplexed. What had he done wrong? He didn't know how to act except on his instincts in these moments.

“You're always so sure that I'm a good person, that all of my self doubts are wrong. How can you possibly think that? How are you so sure that I'm not a bad person?”

Heero sighed.

“Your self doubts are usually wrong, baka. Maybe if you told me why you're a bad person, it'll be easier for me to refute it,” Heero said honestly. Duo smirked, but Heero could see that his heart was not in it.

“There you are, trying to be all logical again. I don't think you can fix this with reason, this time, Heero,” Duo said sadly. Heero pressed his cheek against Duo's hair.

“I can try,” he murmured.

“I just… I feel so dirty,” Duo said softly, “I thought that it would go away after I stopped doing the dirty things, but it hasn't. When I'm with you, I feel clean, but when I'm with you, I also feel dirtier. How can that make sense? I'm just so sick of feeling this way.”

Heero didn't know what to do to make things better. It didn't make much sense to him, either, but not Duo's conflicting emotions, but that Duo felt dirty at all. Heero hated these things. If there was someone that was hurting Duo, he could just shoot them, but feelings were something that were beyond his scope. Feelings couldn't be reasoned away, they were just there.

“Dr. Johnson says that it's ok to feel that way,” Heero reminded him, “He said that some days you're going to feel like this when other days you're going to feel normal, you just have to go with the flow and not lose hope.”

“I love you,” Duo said.

Heero froze. Like he was next to some wild animal, he didn't make a move or a sound. Of all the things that Duo could have said to him during one of his fits, this was the last thing that Heero would ever expect.

“I guess that's why I feel this conflicted,” Duo admitted, “You've always been there for me. Sometimes, I feel like you're the only one that's real. I feel dirty because I want to be good for you, but I can't. But, you also make me feel so good inside, I just don't know what to feel anymore. I feel like I'm being torn into so many directions, but I just can't keep up anymore. I'm not… I don't deserve to take up your time like this. What I mean is, you're really special, Heero. I know that you've never believed me when I told you that, but it's true. If you really wanted to be involved with someone, you could have anyone. I just don't feel like I could be your partner. In order to do that, we'd have to be equals and I can't see how that's possible. But, without you, it's like I don't even exist. If you weren't here… if you hadn't helped me so much… I think I wouldn't be able to take the loneliness. I don't think that I could have pulled myself out of the self destructive loop I was in on my own.”

Duo squeezed his eyes shut. He felt tears prick at them put he refused to let them fall. It had felt good to say those things at last, but admitting them also made him feel bad, like he was confirming that there was a sickness inside of him. He felt something cold and hard being placed in his hand. Duo opened his eyes and stared at the gun in shock.

“Heero…”

“Do you honestly think that I could be the way I am now if you hadn't pulled my head out of my ass for me?” Heero asked, exasperated that Duo looked so terrified at the weapon in his hands.

“Do you remember what I told you about J?” Heero asked. Duo continued to stare dumbly at Heero's gun. The cold metal burned his hand like a brand. It felt wrong to hold it, but at the same time, very, very right.

“I told you that J had made sure that I would never feel whole unless I was carrying a weapon.”

At those words, Duo thrust the gun back at Heero, fear filling his eyes. He couldn't hold something like this! He felt like he was holding Heero's heart in his hands. If he stopped to think about it, he knew that he would feel the beating through his skin. Heero ignored the move.

“You complete me, Duo. I don't know what's wrong with you or me, but I do know that neither of us can survive without each other anymore. Sure, we can survive, but we're both so far underneath each other's skins…” Heero curled Duo's fingers back over the gun and grabbed Duo's braid in his own hand, “I don't want to survive unless I can have you. Can't you let me be greedy just this once?”

Tears fell down Duo's cheeks, but he didn't even notice it anymore. Duo leaned his body heavily against Heero's.

“I'm so lost,” Duo choked out, “I feel so broken sometimes.”

“I know,” Heero said, kissing Duo's cheek, “I feel broken, too. But, who knows? If we're two broken halves, maybe we can make something real.”

Duo finally managed a smile. He knew that tomorrow things would be different. He had so many ups and downs in his life that he was sure that he would wake up tomorrow feeling happy and hyper again, but right now, he reveled in the companionable silence.

“Happy anniversary,” Heero murmured as he kissed him.

 

//Leo: He filled up my empty life

Together: Filled it to the brim

Leo: There could never ever be another one like him//

 

 

Author's Note: Yeah, this is supposed to be my first Valentine's Day fic. Yes, I know, there is no mention of Valentine's Day in this fic, but does there need to be? In the words of my cousin: “If you need to use a holiday as an excuse to show you're partner that they're loved, you shouldn't be together.” In other words, everyday is Valentine's Day. Sappy, yes, and I'm not used to the sap, but I was in a… strange… mood today. Part depression, part retrospective. I've never been in a romantic relationship, so I don't know if I was able to put down my feelings adequately, but I tried very hard. This started out as a song fic challenge, but I think it's grown to something that's really personal. No, I don't have a girlfriend, but I do have friends and I love all of you so much, despite the fact that none of my friends read my fanfiction and I don't think I have the courage to get so emotional in real life. I'm going to shut up now and go to sleep before I start crying. Dammit, too late. Also note that I wrote this in three hours on a tangent and I have no beta, so I apologize if it just sounds like rambling and doesn't make any sense. I'll try to do a better job on the final draft.