Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ 3AM ❯ 3AM: The the Morning Comes ( Chapter 1 )

3 A.M

By Shin Yuy

Heero's POV, Shouden ai, Yaoi, Stream-o-consciousness, Angst, OOC maybe…that's bout it

I hate the darkness. I don't like the silence that nighttime brings. The chill that accompanies the sun's departure and rots away at my bones, no matter how many times I convince myself that I am not cold, that it doesn't effect me and that I don't care. It might not be so much of hating it… as fearing the dark. I do fear it with all of my being I am afraid of the dark and how… alone it makes me feel. So I stay awake, staring at the blackish blue flicker with green type, formulas and schematics while fingers clack away breaking the darkness into familiar and comforting clicks. I don't feel so alone.

Darkness and I have never liked one another. It always held me in its ghastly embrace while enemies came at me from unknown directions or inside a room barely large enough to crouch in. The room where all that was there was my mind and HIS words, drilling into my childish mind that which I live by today. The room where they stripped my humanity away.

Not all of it though, for why would I be sitting here, typing this, a testament to my weakness, if I did not have some humanity left in me. Its something I find he does too, though by hand and in a journal. His handwriting is too hard to read, doesn't even seem to be English. I have a feeling he writes in many languages to keep others from reading it. I'm getting off track.

We fight in the nighttime, attacking those who are all too comfortable in the darkness, which live and thrive on it and do its bidding. We bring some light to the black though, through explosions and weapons fire. Trying to fight for… for…

I question that at times, what are we fighting for anyway? Another person's cause, another's beliefs, and something that has nothing to do with me. Other then being someone's tool, their instrument of destruction so they don't have to get their hands dirty. I don't know why Odin picked me to be his weapon but… I fear that even though he is dead he lives on in me. I am his perfect weapon now. Only lately have I begun to falter, thinking of the past and… feeling things. I am not supposed to feel. Weapons aren't supposed to have emotions. Then again we are all weapons of the shadows… but are we Dark or Light?

I believe we were each picked because some traits were seen in us that were needed. I know that the doctors are smarter then they seem so they probably did put into account for this. I know about myself… or so I think. It's the others that perplex me.

Trowa and I are alike; he doesn't know any other life besides fighting. He doesn't show his emotions but he feels. He is a beast, a berserker I think. Some nights when it's just the two of us I can see the beast that thrives on Trowa's past, that …thing swimming deep within frozen emerald orbs. I think that I would pity anyone who would look into both his eyes when the beast is free. He has found something to live for. Though he is silent I know that at least Quatre can read every single unspoken note about Trowa.

Quatre is another enigma. He has such a kind heart, peaceful and calm compared to some of us. He can always think of an easier way out, a better way of getting the missions done without costing too many lives. He is the merciful one among us. Perhaps that is why he gravitates towards Trowa. I do suspect that he has some gift to read each and every one of us easily as one would read a billboard. His heart might be what helps draw Trowa further and further away from that darkness; though some call it morally wrong… we are not some people.

We are all we have.

WuFei doesn't seem to live by that principal either. He is a solitary person, usually comes home and sits with his Gundam until he must contact some of us. He seems to have a great burden on him, probably has to do with his clan. He said once that it was his duty to carry on the traditions and customs of his clan, being its last natural born and its last warrior. If I listen close enough I can hear his sword slicing though the air in his room while he practices. But with great responsibility comes great sorrow… and this is a badge hidden by all others that are stapled to WuFei's heart. I think he is in this war because to him it was the right thing to do. Or it has something to do with `Nataku' whoever she is.

They all make sense to me, Fei for his honor and integrity, Trowa for his sheer ability and tact, Quatre for his cunning and kindness. But all that leaves him, the enigma to top all enigmas. The bouncing, loud mouthed, scatter brained, braided American with orchid eyes that I share my room with.

He is here right now, over on his bed brushing out that damn hair of his and humming some tune or another that blasts in his headphones. They wrap around his neck then into his ears, so they don't get in the way of his brushing. Why he keeps that hair is beyond me.

Why does he fight? I hardly know anything about him. Sure I have searched on files and things about Duo Maxwell but I get nothing. Other then a medical file with the name John Doe and a serial number that is used in the child placement offices run by OZ now. Does this mean that the boy sitting with his back to me does not exist? I am not sure. I wouldn't mind not existing.

The only other things that came up were something about a bombing of a church on L2, where I presume Duo is from. I have tired to get information out of Howard and his comrades in the Sweepers but they don't say anything. G is no help either. He doesn't care about the baka that pilots his tool of death.

He calls himself that you know. Death, Shinigami, the Reaper the list goes on. He has on those ridiculous priests' garments everywhere he goes most of the time. He isn't that bad of a looking guy though. I have no interests in women let me clarify that right now. I respect them and what they are capable of but they are fickle things that are injured too easily by a touch or a word. Duo is almost that way but he hides it well. He is a person of many faces, a puzzle, a mystery to all those who know him. Even Quatre can just barely read his emotions but their depths remain hidden away behind that smile. A smile I have grown unfortunately addicted to.

I hear him shift and flop back, I know he is looking at me. He asks what I am doing and I don't respond. He doesn't say anything for a moment, then I can hear the music... the words…

"Love is in danger and its gunna die. Love is the saver it got to survive. Love is in danger I want to keep my love alive. Alive forever…"

He shifts on the bed, probably to get a better look at me.

"Do you ever get tired of being who you appear to be Heero?"

I am shocked. His voice sounds strangely small, softer and less… boisterous and arrogant then usual. I have to see what is wrong.

He's sleeping now, its several hours later. I'll tell you what happened best to my ability.

He had asked if I was tired of pretending. I had turned to see him hair still down and flowing over the sheets and staring at me with a strange look in his eyes. I got up and sat beside him, he had moved to make some space. The look in his eyes made no sense. No humor, no humanity or madness just… an unnerving shadow of himself, the side he didn't show to the world. I've never seen such desolation as I did in those naked eyes.

He had gone on to say it was May 15th. I didn't understand the relevance but it became clear. He had said it was the day his last home disappeared, the day of the church bombing. He had tried to make it though the day without breaking down… but had failed. He started to laugh a bit then. He had broken down in the middle of playing cards with Trowa. He had ran. No one kept up with him, he just ran as fast as he could until he couldn't hear anyone else. That's when the rain had started. He told me he just knelt in the rain and cried, like he was starting to now. He said he was tired of war, tired of playing games with all of us…too tired to still be alive. He envied Quatre and Fei's families, as trouble some as they are, envied the ability Trowa and I possess for not showing emotions, or not having any. He was tired of being alive.

I asked him why he was telling me this. He said because I might understand. I am somewhat suicidal but not for the reasons Duo seems to have. He fished a gun out of his pocket and handed it to me.

"I wasn't man enough to do it myself… I couldn't do it. I want to be dead but I can't do it…"

I've seen many strange and disturbing things in my life but the look, the pleading look Duo had at that moment scared the living hell out of me. If I didn't know any better I would have sworn he was asking me to do it. Asking me to take his life.

I will say this here and now that I have grown too attached to this boy. He doesn't seem real sometimes but when I do get that rare glimpse of the real person beneath the madman and the jester I remind myself to stay alive. If only there is the hope of bring out that person permanently and spend what life I do have with him... If he were to have me that is. Now that I think of it... and what I did… those lyrics, the words to that techno song seem all too fitting. Where was I?

As I said it seemed he was asking me to kill him, like I have been threatening to for months when he was annoying. He even mentioned that, said that if I were a man of my word I would do it and put everyone out of his or her misery of having him around. I think he found himself a burden, something that would only bring pain and death to all those he really cared about along with being tired of hiding his true self to us all.

He was really crying then, something I have never seen before. I have never cried before and Duo turned his head away, ashamed to admit his fault for letting himself cry. He even said that he didn't cry. Murmuring some stupid mantra that boys don't cry. I was just about to say something to counter it when I too felt it. I… I was beginning to cry. It felt like my heart was breaking, tearing apart at seeing him in such pain.

Seeing the boy I… I … I love fall apart right there in front of me.

I had seen Trowa comfort his lover many times, the over perceptive boy crumpling in Trowa's arms and dissolving into a shaking sobbing mass of human flesh. I reached out and pulled Duo into a clumsy embrace, thinking it might calm him down. It didn't. He began to struggle, nearly scream for me to let him go and for me to get it over with. I only held on tighter, not letting him go, in fact holding him closer until his face was buried in my neck. I could feel his tears then, warm and flowing quickly down his face into my tank top.

After a while he stopped trying to get out and stayed there, clinging to me as if I was the only stable thing in the universe. My heart wrenched more for him, for the fear of having hurt him and not known it. Sometimes I do not know what I say carries as much meaning as others put to it. Maybe… maybe I helped cause this…

I really hope I wasn't the only cause in his break down. He is the first person that I actually care about. Enough to cry over, to write about… to dream of. I don't dream but sometimes… when the soldier inside isn't paying attention I see his face, his smiles, feel his hands on my shoulders and hear his voice in my sleep… and wake up to a cold hard bed and see him across the room curled in a ball in the corner of the room where his bed is. Feeling him there… in my arms where it was safe… I don't think I can ever let him go again.

He must have realized I too was crying because he looked up at me, ran a trembling hand across my cheek. I felt terrible for millions of different reasons… asked if I was dieing because it sure felt like it. He smiled a little bit and shook his head.

"No… your not. You're crying… I... I didn't think you knew how."

"I never have before… until I met you."

I don't remember what I ended up saying but I ended up blurting out the three words I always think of when I think of the enigma Duo Maxwell…

"I love you."

He started shaking again and I thought I had said something wrong. I panicked and it must have shown. He just held me closer and kissed my neck. He mumbled the same words into my skin and I felt probably like he did just then. I told him I would never let him go now. I wouldn't be able to no matter how hard I tried. I've never felt for another person, and no one has ever felt for me so I didn't know how to do it right. He just nodded and cuddled closer. I can say that because it's just what he did, like a kid to his teddy bear. He said he would take care of me… and I said I would take care of him.

And he let go. Again the tears fell but this time in both grief and relief. I think he finally was letting himself mourn the loss of his family, or the equivalent to it. And I just held him, rubbing his back though his hair because it felt like the right thing to do. It was nearly an hour later before he quieted and seemed asleep.

He is …beautiful when he is asleep. I can say that now and not feel bad. His cheeks were flushed and still damp, some of his bangs sticking to his face. His breathing was a bit off but smoothed out after a while. I can say that I… I feel I am the luckiest person on earth to have him. Or for him to have me I am not sure. I wouldn't have it any other way.

****

Heero hit the save key on his lap top and shut it off before turning back to Duo's bed and going to lay beside him. He had put Duo's braid back into place, seeing something familiar made it a little easier for him to handle. It was not an easy night for either of them. Getting under the covers he pulled Duo close, sandwiching the broken down boy between the wall and himself, thinking it best to protect this one. Duo snuggled closer to him, head resting under Heero's chin. Heero let his hard façade go and felt a little smile come to his lips, felt himself warming up to this boy who held his heart in the palm of his hand.

Duo just slept on; mind settling down and heart speeding up. He knew now that all was for not, that someone was there and Heero loved him.

Heero loved him. And he loved Heero back.

The two just lay together, both half conscious, and listened to each other breath. The nighttime was beginning to fade into dawn and Heero decided… that if each night when the darkness descended on the world returned if he could be in this place each night, day whenever it needed him or the other way around…

It would be worth it. The whole war, the suffering the battles the hopelessness would be worth each beat of his lover's heart. And he would cherish each one.

//I do not fear the dark any more. Now that we have each other.//

OWARI

Yes I know sappy… should a warned ya there too…the lyrics are from a song form Initial D... see it its spiffy!… C&C please... its another short… and it might prompt me to write something fun with two sets of pilots... Something purely fun… the other… pure "Evil"… so… anywho…