Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Computer Wars ❯ Computer Wars Episode 2: The Attack of the DC ( Chapter 2 )

Title: GW Computer Wars Episode 2: Attack of the DC

Author: Sorceress Fantasia

Pairings: Implied 1x2

Warnings: Humor, Severe Relena bashing, OCs, AU (In fact, this takes place in our world)

Disclaimer: The people who own GW has the money to build an entire fleet of Leos and Virgos. Since I currently own only a book bag and some worksheets that are due really soon, that can't be me. Yeah, so I don't own GW. Hiei from YYH, who makes a guest appearance, does not belong to me either. He belongs to his creator. And as everyone in the world probably know, Windows belongs to Microsoft. Not me, okay? Jaws, Chips More and Star Wars do not belong to me either.

Notes: This struck me in a moment of insanity, so expect it to be stupid. This is what might happen if the GW guys manufactured their own personal computers and sold them.

Ian smiled as he typed on his HC, sentence after sentence. Indeed, J was right. The virtual Kama Sutra was a great help in writing lemons, and he had already written 5 PWPs with it. The Spandex program was being put to great use too, and he no longer had problems over stretching his biking pants.

But the best thing he liked about the HC was its tendency to explode. Two weeks ago, which was approximately a week after he had bought the HC, his sister had tried to meddle with it while he was off drinking at a club. The HC had exploded right in her face, and she never dared to touch it again. Lucky for him, the HC did self-repairs after the explosion stunt, and was ready for usage again the next day.

Deep in his thoughts, he was rudely snapped out of his trance when his sister knocked on his door.

"Hey."

"What, Deana?"

"I need some help in setting up my new computer."

Ian blinked. "Ma allowed you to buy one?"

"Of course. She didn't want to clean the house of all the smoke and dust again."

He winced. The explosion was good at keeping pests like his sister away, but not good when it involved a mother, a broom, a dozen rags and a pail of water.

"Fine. So where's the computer?"

"In my room. Come over."

Ian reluctantly saved his document and headed for Deana's room. When he entered, he was surprised to see a familiar looking computer sitting on the desk, wires all dangling around. "Hey, isn't this the DC?"

Deana nodded. "Yeah. I showed the salesman the certificate of us owning a HC, and he recommended me the DC. Said it worked best when they come together."

"Is the salesman, by any chance, called J?" Ian raised an eyebrow. He was so going to wallop that perverted jerk.

She thought for a while. "No. I think it some old mushroom called G."

"Mushroom?" Ian asked, as he started to set up the DC.

"Yeah, he resembled one."

As the set up process of the DC was pretty similar to that of the HC, Ian got it up and going within an hour. "Okay, it's done."

"No, it's not. The DC is supposed to have four mouse! You've only set up one of them!"

"Four? It's not possible for a computer to have four mouse at a go!"

Deana ignored him, and reached into the box that had contained the DC. Fishing around, she dug out three other mouse. "See? The DC at the store had four too! That salesman said that there's one for each limb so users can switch frequently between them when they're tired. Now I won't have to be worried about over straining my right hand!" She smirked.

Ian sweatdropped, and hooked them onto the DC. Finally, he switched on the computer.

"What the heck? Bulletproof Windows 2000?" He nearly yelled.

"Well, I asked G about that too. He said that the creator of the DC was tired of always repairing the windows in his mansion because the creator of the HC likes to wave a gun around and shooting everything. So when he created a new operating system for the DC, he created the Bulletproof version of Windows. Not that it affects anything."

When she finished, the DC had already moved onto the next loading screen. A startup sound was heard.

"Let Shinigami bring you to hell!" Ian blinked.

"Oh wait. We forgot something." Deana suddenly exclaimed, and she ran back to the package box. When she came back, she stuck a little scythe with a neon green blade at the top of the monitor. "See? The DC can also work as a receiver, and this little thingy here is the antenna. It's an accessory that came with the purchase. They also gave me a hairbrush and some lock picks to hide in my hair. I almost wanted to buy the Wufei Computer too. If I had bought them together, they'd have given me a can of neon pink spray paint. And it was such a nice shade!" She whined.

"I'm lucky then. If you had gotten that pink spray, I can't imagine what would happen to my HC. It would be flashing that 'Warning: Pink within vicinity' everyday." Ian noted, and turned back to the DC and saw the wallpaper. "…Cool."

Deana leaned on her brother's shoulder and tried to see. "Hey, it's a banner. 'Anti-Relena Campaign'? Is this Relena the same Relena as Relena Peacecraft, the politician?"

"I think so. The creators of the HC and the DC both seem to hate this gal. Well, J did tell me the two are on fairly good terms."

Deana shrugged, and she grabbed a mouse. Seeing an icon she liked, she clicked on it and a window sprang up. A wide selection of weapons ranging from advanced nuclear warheads to primitive stone spears was on the right side of the screen, while a whole assortment of actions that included humiliate, belittle and push around, to name a few, was on the left. A girl took center stage. She had wheat coloured hair, blue eyes and was clad in pink from head to toe. A little banner under her bore the name 'Relena Darlian'.

Curiously, Deana clicked on 'Push into sea'. Almost immediately, virtual Relena was shoved into an ocean. She struggled desperately, hands splashing around wildly while sounds of someone gulping water blasted out of the speakers. Suddenly, Jaws swam towards her from behind with its mouth wide open, and swallowed her whole. Just when Deana thought it was finished, the shark suddenly turned green in its face and sank to the seabed. An arrow appeared above it, and read 'Died of food poisoning'. Then the screen disappeared, and Relena returned to her position in the middle of the screen.

Ian and Deana looked at each other, blinking. Silently, Ian took the mouse and clicked 'Deathscythe'. A gigantic black robot soon appeared, and Relena appeared inside a pink limo. The robot picked up the limo, and put it back in position. With a mighty swing, it swung its golf club hard and the limo flew off into the sun. A banner appeared at the top, and 'Hole in one!' flashed in multi-colour. When Ian tried 'Altron', the robot merely kicked the limo with Relena somewhere really far, and said 'GOAL!!!'

The siblings shut down the program.

"I would definitely say they hate her."

Ian nodded, and he laughed. "And I thought my homepage was evil!"

Deana laughed. "Yeah, I nearly rolled on the floor when I saw that one! Let's try mine!" She clicked on the Internet icon, and felt her eyes go wide. "'101 ways to seduce spandex-clad Japanese boys into bed'. Interesting."

"Wow! Look at this one! I think the webmaster must be a guru in this!"

She leaned towards the screen. "Leave a trail of fresh strawberries and whip cream leading from the doorstep to the bedroom, and make sure you are already lying on the bed. Might work better if bed is covered with red satin sheets. Hmm… I don't like this one. Imagine all the ants and pests the strawberries might attract."

"Apparently, the webmaster has thought of that. He said, 'My objective is to get a spandex-clad Japanese hottie into my bed. If you find ants eating your strawberries, deal with it.'"

After another ten minutes of scrolling, Ian clicked on the website's affiliate. "'How to always wear black and not be confused with a mourner'."

"Nice website. Good topic too. The last time I cosplayed Hiei from Yu Yu Hakusho, I was nearly pulled into the cemetery by some overly eager keeper, thinking I was there to attend someone's funeral." Deana remarked, closing the window. She would have to check it out later.

Looking over the wallpaper, she spied another attention catching icon. "The virtual Kama Sutra."

"You have it too?"

"Of course. I took the ownership certificate of the HC to the store, remember?" Deana reminded. "Hey, wait a minute. Why does your HC have the Kama Sutra too? I thought it comes only if you buy the DC as well?"

"The HC exploded in the store. With me in front of it. It's rightful compensation." Ian argued. "Anyway, don't open this one yet. We've both seen it before in HC, let's try something else."

"Ok." She chose the icon above it, and a scroll of words quickly appeared.

"Connecting to nearest Hirde Computer…?" Ian asked, rather confused. He remembered seeing the said computer in the store weeks ago, and it was used only to buy stuff from supermarkets.

Deana shrugged. "G told me that the Hirde computer's functions includes helping the DC." Soon, a list sprang up, and she clicked on 'food'. "Hmm… let's get some beef and we can have beef stew tonight."

'Processing purchase… Approved. Purchase will be delivered within an hour.' The DC read.

"Don't we have to pay?"

"No, the user of the Hirde computer pays for us. It's tradition." Deana grinned. "Kind of makes you wonder which idiot bought the Hirde computer, huh?"

Then, they heard a knock on the door. "Deana? Is your brother here?"

"Yeah, Ma?"

The door opened, and a middle-aged woman entered the room. "Ian, I finally finished cleaning your biking pants. It was all soiled!"

"Oooh. You big, bad, naughty boy!" Deana poked him in the ribs, but was quickly subdued.

"But Ma, it's not my fault it rained yesterday! Blame the wet pavement that made me fall into a pool of mud!"

"Next time, be more careful. You didn't forget applying cream to your wounds, did you?"

"No. I applied them earlier."

"Okay." Their mother turned, and was about to walk out when she suddenly remembered something. "By the way, Ian. I must say I'm impressed. Your pants are still quite elastic after three weeks!"

Ian smirked. "Of course. It's spandex!"

She gave him a perplexed look, and left the room. With their mother away, the siblings turned their attention back to the DC.

"Wow! Look at the screensaver!" Deana cried.

Said screensaver featured a chibi boy with cobalt eyes and a mob of messy hair who was wearing a green tanktop and black spandex. He was standing at the top of what seemed like a very tall building. Suddenly, the chibi jumped down, falling to the ground really fast. Midway through the fall, he pulled a chord and a parachute opened, letting him land safely. The process was repeated.

"Yeah, it's cute… but I don't want to sit here and look at it all day." Ian moved the mouse despite his sister's protest, and the screensaver disappeared. He clicked on a word program, and it was up before he could even blink. "It's working really fast! Wonder why…"

"I know! I know!" Deana chirped. "G told me that the DC works at twice the normal speed when it senses spandex or hot Japanese guys within a 5-meter radius. It works even faster when spandex is worn on a Japanese boy. And since Ma threw your spandex biking pants in my room earlier…"

"Oh I see." He cocked a brow. "Now I *really* wanna meet the creators of the DC and the HC."

She nodded.

"Let me type something. Let's see…" Ian started typing. "Hey, where's the spacebar?"

"Nah, the keyboard of the DC doesn't have a spacebar. Neither does it have a full stop."

"What the-? Then how am I supposed to type?"

"Use commas, exclamation marks and question marks. There's no way to get around the no spacebar deal, so just use the 'Tab' button."

Ian sighed, saving his document.

"Hey! I don't want that document! Delete it!"

"Okay, okay. Cool it…" He pressed the 'delete' button on the keyboard. When he was prompted, he clicked 'Yes', and the document was gone. "Oh crap… That sentence I just typed… it's a great fanfic idea! I need to retrieve it. I'll delete it later, okay?"

He minimized the word program, and searched around for the recycle bin. "There's no recycle bin… Don't tell me it's this one. Salvage bin?" He clicked on it anyway. "Hey! My stuff isn't here! I know! I'll use the 'Help' function!"

"'Help' function? I don't think that's a good idea…" Deana frowned.

Ian ignored her, and typed his question into the text box. "How do I retrieve my deleted document…"

Within seconds, an answer appeared. "The DC has no recycle bin, but a salvage bin that retrieves all deleted files and sells them to the highest bidder on the Internet…"

Just as fast as the answer appeared, it was scrolled down automatically.

"Hey, I haven't finished reading it!"

When it hit the bottom of the scroll, it disappeared like a Chips More cookie [1].

"I tried telling you, Ian. The DC gives instructions at an extremely fast pace, and has the tendency to go off topic. Hence, users usually prefer to not ask. G also warned me against using it." Deana explained.

"Damn! So I guess I can't get my document back, huh?"

"I guess so…"

"Damn it!" Ian yelled, slamming his fist onto the computer desk. The DC shook, and hung there.

"Look what you did to my DC! It's jammed!"

Ian gave his sister a sorry look, and pressed the 'escape' button. "Hey, it's not working…"

Deana swapped his hand away, and hammered on the button herself. "Why isn't it working!?"

"When all else fails, reset the computer." Ian did just that, and the DC was soon usable again. "I think the 'escape' button is just there for show. It doesn't work."

"I think so too."

Ian started to leave.

"Aren't you gonna continue exploring?" Deana asked.

"Nah, I wanna get back to my fanfic. You get back to your Damn Crazy DC."

"Damn Crazy? I thought it was Direct Current!"

"My dear sis, you read too much physics! It's Damn Crazy!"

"Direct Current!"

"Damn Crazy!"

"Direct Current!"

"Damn Crazy!"

"Direct Current!"

Just before they could get into a fight, the doorbell rang. The two rushed to the door, and received the beef they had ordered earlier.

Raising their eyebrows at each other, they took the poor meat to the kitchen and started dinner.

"Give it to me! I wanna shoot it with my cannon!"

"No! Shinigami will bring it to hell with his scythe!"

"Are you crazy!? The thing's dead! Let me shoot it!"

"See Shinigami slice ya up, beef!"

Their mother entered the kitchen to see what was the ruckus about, and she thought, 'And they ask me why I have white hair before my time…'

~End of Episode 2~

[1]: I've always liked Chips More's commercial. ^^ The 'Now you see it, now you don't' was rather cute.

Sorceress Fantasia @ 3rd November 2002

Proud member of 1x2ML, GWML, HDML and SDDI