Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Frozen Heart ❯ chapter 18 ( Chapter 18 )

Frozen Heart 18 by sage_libra (sage_libra@yahoo.com)

Duo woke gradually; his mouth cottony and his mind clouded. Blinking blearily, he sorted through his memories, grimacing slightly as he recalled the previous night.

"Way to go, Maxwell." He muttered sourly. However, upon reflection, he concluded that last night's disaster pretty much fit in with his general objective, which was to illustrate what having him around entailed. After all, he acknowledged darkly, last night's performance promised to become a staple once he moved back with the other pilots. He shuddered. He did not look forward to having to familiarize himself with each new safehouse. Nor could he begin to imagine what it would be like, surrounded day in and day out with people and movable objects. The enormity of the undertaking made his stomach twist with painful anxiety.

"You will see again…if it takes two years or twenty…" Heero's words rang in his ear, and Duo let out a shaky breath. He wanted so badly to believe in the words, in the emotions he thought he heard in Heero's voice. But he didn't dare. Simply, he couldn't wrap his mind around the concept of a Heero Yuy caring so deeply about him. It was a fantasy as real and attainable as world peace and eternal youth. You dreamed about it, craved it with every fiber, but you don't really expect it to happen.

And if it did…he shivered, remembering the softness of Heero's mouth against his. The warmth of his arms. He shook his head almost vehemently.

He couldn't take that risk. Once already he had gambled on Heero's emotions for him and he'd lost. Rather splendidly in fact, he admitted with a wry twist of his mouth. That had almost destroyed him. And now, if he allowed himself to believe only to lose again…his mind shied away from the thought.

Even survivors had limits. Points beyond which there was no turning back.

So let's just be friends, right? Duo contemplated the concept of a platonic friendship with the Perfect Soldier and discovered once again that gnawing ache in the region of his heart. And with that discovery the realization of how badly he had needed the illusion. He needed Heero, he admitted finally. Needed. Wanted. Loved. And sooner or later, that need was going to drive them back to square one- namely, with Heero's fist connecting against his jaw and him on his ass.

**So, what now, Duo?**

`Yeah, Duo, what now?' Duo sighed. He knew what he should do. He should sit Heero down and tell him straight up that his feelings for him hadn't changed one bit. That in the long run he wouldn't be able to be `just friends' with the Perfect Soldier. That for the good of everyone, he should just disappear. It wasn't even about his eyes, he acknowledged sadly. Perhaps it never had been. Heero's feelings for him weren't hinged on his health or skills as a pilot. It wouldn't be fair to force the other boy to tolerate- he winced at the word - his infatuation.

And yet, he also knew what he wanted to do. He wanted his `family' around him. He needed their friendship and support, needed the purpose that being a Gundam pilot provided him, and most of all needed the presence of Heero in his life. Whether as a lover - he blushed - or even just as a friend, for however long it lasted.

**Dammit, Duo…you just had to get yourself into this mess, didn't you?** Duo sighed yet again, the warning throb at the back of his eyes warning him to give the thinking a rest. He sat up gingerly. Years on the street and as a Gundam pilot had dramatically increased his tolerance to physical pain, and he easily pushed his myriad discomforts to the back of his mind. Besides, it wasn't the physical pain that bothered him.

"Duo. What's wrong?"

He jumped, startled. He hadn't even felt the other boy's presence in his room. He flushed, trying to recall frantically if he'd voiced out his earlier thoughts. "What are you doing here?" He winced at the snap in his voice as his defenses slammed down. No, it wasn't the physical pain that got to him. It was that voice, soft and deep, and full of promises he didn't dare trust in. He bit his lip.

"I wanted to make sure you were alright." Heero paused, debating whether to ask about the sighs. Duo had sounded so forlorn. And lying on the hard floor, barely two feet from him, Heero had had to struggle against the urge to get up and join the other boy on the bed. To wrap his arms around his partner and chase away the sadness. Soon, Duo, he promised silently. "How do you feel?"

There was an unmistakable hint of concern in his voice that made Duo feel about three inches tall for his curtness.

"I'm fine." He said instead, guilt making his voice soft. "You stayed all night? On the floor?" Knowing perfectly well he had, Duo's guilt grew. "You shouldn't have." He went on. "I have a perfectly adequate guest room. You couldn't have been comfortable on the floor, even with blankets."

Heero wondered, with a pang, how much longer he would have to hear Duo insist that he was fine when he was obviously not. He found that he missed the former Duo- the Duo that would have made no bones about his discomfort or displeasure. That Duo, for all his noise and whining, had been honest. He sighed.

"I wanted to stay." He replied calmly. He glanced at the window, noting the darkness outside. The sun was only about to begin making its presence felt. "It's still dark. You should be resting." The former Duo had loved nothing better than sleeping in.

Duo shook his head. "Have a date with the sun." He had meant to be flippant. To lighten the air between them. However, the moment the words were out he colored, suddenly inexplicably shy about his morning ritual. He covered for it by busying himself with making up his bed.

Heero watched him without comment. How often had he growled about Duo's untidiness when they were roommates? Only a full death glare had ever pushed the braided pilot to straighten his bedcovers. And now, watching as Duo methodically made up his bed, he was suddenly assailed by a sense of loss. For an instant, he almost felt as though the Duo before him was a stranger, and the Duo he knew and loved was somewhere far away. Beyond his grasp.

Meanwhile, Duo was cursing himself as he prolonged the task as much as he was able. He just had to let slip about his morning habit, only to remember belatedly that he had guests. Guests who would doubtless find it curious, and who might just decide to ask the reason why. Hell, he snorted inwardly, even if they didn't come right out and ask, he knew they would wonder about it, would likely theorize about it. He cringed at the thought. No, he couldn't do it.

Not here, at any rate.

Finally, unable to pretend that there was even a single wrinkle on the covers, he straightened.

"Er, Heero-" He began reluctantly.

"Max, kindly remember your appointment with Jason this morning." Shin cut in smoothly.

Duo caught on instantly. "Yeah, right." He blessed the interfering, manipulative supercomputer silently.

"An appointment." Heero's tone was flatly disbelieving. "At 0400."

Duo flushed. "We're early risers." He winced inwardly at the lameness of the excuse, but stuck with it anyway.

We. Heero struggled against the hot flash of anger. He knew Duo didn't mean to imply anything by his statement, but still, it cut to be reminded that Duo had a life outside the Gundams and him. Grimly, he recalled Jason's blatant infatuation with Duo and his mouth tightened. Besides, he wasn't so naïve as to miss the obvious cover-up. Duo had mentioned a date with the sun. Somehow, he doubted Duo had meant Jason, so he had to have meant the sun literally. He frowned, striving to unlock this new mystery. Duo had mentioned the date casually, as though he did it habitually. And yet, there were flaws to the theory. One, and the most obvious, was the fact that Duo's blindness naturally kept him from `seeing' the sun. What then was the point to the exercise? Secondly, even granting that he did like waiting for the sunrise, why try to keep it from the rest of the pilots? Why run to Jason when his own balcony was right there?

"Really." Heero's voice was even.

"Yeah." Duo couldn't help the trace of defensiveness that crept into his voice. He knew his excuse was full of holes, but he was simply loathe to have to expose yet another weakness. He began walking towards the door.

Heero watched wordlessly as the door closed behind his partner. Slowly, his fingers curled into fists, nails digging painfully into flesh.

It doesn't matter, he told himself repeatedly. Duo had already agreed to return to them. Whatever he shared with Jason and Derek Wallis, it hadn't been enough to hold him here.

They were fighting words. And yet the pain radiating from his tightly clenched fists told him otherwise. It mocked his confidence. Why are you so upset, then, 01? It seemed to whisper. If you're so sure that you've won, why do you have this urge to start shooting? How certain are you, really?

"He's mine." Heero hated this constant uncertainty, this almost compulsive need to remind himself that he had nothing to fear from the Wallises. That he didn't need to compete for Duo's attention. But the more he saw of Duo's life here, the more he realized that the Wallises were a threat. They had been there when Duo had begun restructuring his life around his blindness. They had been there to help him through the initial adjustments. They were part and parcel of his comfort zone.

Whereas they- his real family, were relegated to the role of outsiders. Threats. Heero didn't have to be a genius to figure out that Duo's migraine had been largely due to the stress of maintaining a high level of alertness around them. Something that, apparently, he did without around the Wallises. His finger tightened around an imaginary trigger. He couldn't deny that he felt threatened, and he had only ever had one way of responding to the feeling.

"My thoughts exactly." Shin spoke up smugly, letting him know on no uncertain terms that though the computer was willing to accept Duo's attachment to him, that didn't mean it intended to be eased out of Duo's life.

Heero almost growled his frustration. Bad enough that he had to battle the Wallises' hold on Duo, but should he have to battle with an egoistic computer as well?

-o0o-

Duo sighed with relief when he made it to the Wallises' door without incident. For a moment there, he had thought that Heero was going to insist on accompanying him. He was also grateful that the other pilots had at least deigned to use his guestroom instead of camping out in the living room. It would have been damned awkward trying to maneuver quietly around trained Gundam pilots who had hair-trigger reflexes.

Reaching into his pocket, he took out the card key and slipped it into the slot. A faint beep and the door slid open. It was ridiculous and totally unfair, but the moment Duo stepped through the doorway, he felt immediately lighter, his worries about the other pilots falling away to be left outside the door. He let out a deep breath and made his way confidently through to the balcony. He knew the layout of the Wallis unit as well as he did his own, and aside from a bad moment when he bumped into an out-of-place couch; the maneuver towards the balcony was relatively simple. He sent a mental note of gratitude to Derek, who he knew made a point of keeping things in order in deference to his condition. Not that he came often. Since owning his own unit the Wallis brothers had become his guests more often than vice versa. But still, it was heartwarming to find out that Derek still kept the place the same way, just in case Duo decided to drop by.

Or, he amended self-deprecatingly, a place to hide. Even for just a little while. He leaned against the railing, wrapped his fingers around the cool steel, and emptied his thoughts; concentrating on the gradual increase of warmth in and around him.

Or at least, he tried to, considering how a pair of cobalt blue eyes persisted in filling up the empty space he visualized in his mind. The first two times he caught himself wondering what his partner was thinking of, he grasped the thoughts and shoved it behind the door. However, after the third time he finally gave up and admitted the truth. Heero had ruined his morning habit. Knowing that he was downstairs, waiting for him to come back tugged at Duo's concentration, making him restless. Since losing his sight this daily assignation with the sun had kept him anchored. Grounded. And yet now he almost wished the sun would hurry up so he could do what had to be done and go back to Heero.

What was it the Derek had said about his fixation on sunrise? `You're looking for something…a reason to go on…' Could it be that now with Heero seemingly within reach, he had found that something?

The sound of footsteps broke into his musings and he straightened, coloring slightly. He recognized the tread. "Derek."

"Howdy, stranger." was the affable response. "I thought I heard a noise in here."

"Just me." Duo grinned. "You're up early."

"I have a report to deliver later so I'm going to the clinic early today." Derek pulled up a chair beside Duo and sat down quietly. "So, what's up? Jason tells me you refused to see him yesterday."

"My friends are here." Duo said after a moment's deliberation. "We talked." Well, they had done that too, after patching him up. But Duo had no intention of going there.

"Ah." The drawn-out sound was reflective.

There was no way to do this gradually, so Duo forged ahead with the truth. "I've decided to go back with them. Give it another go."

"Ah." This time, the sound was quieter.

"You think I'm being stupid." Duo winced at the plaintive note that entered his voice.

"On the contrary, I think you're being very brave." Derek countered. "Not many people have the courage to pick up where they fell." He paused. "Has he talked to you about his feelings?" He was referring to Heero, of course. Trust the man to understand that it was the strength of his feelings for Heero that drew him back to the fold.

Duo chose his words carefully. "We're friends." That much was true. Will always be true. Whatever happened, however their friendship turns out in the future, Heero will always be his friend. Just as he knew now without a doubt that in spite of Heero's exasperation and impatience with him before, the Wing pilot did consider him a friend. A good one.

"Is that good enough for you?"

Is it?

"It's a start." He replied finally. "Maybe." Maybe.

Regret glimmered for a long moment in Derek's eyes as he studied the younger man's profile. The rising sun threaded soft golden lights through Duo's chestnut brown hair, the gentle rays stroking his cheek and making his gamine features glow. What a truly beautiful young man, he thought regretfully, acknowledging in the privacy of his own heart the depth of his affection for Duo.

"You do know that you will always have a place here? With us?" He said instead, stifling the ache around the region of his heart at the knowledge that Duo was leaving. Going back to the one he loved.

"I know." Duo's gratitude was evident in the sparkle in his eyes. "Thanks man."

"Don't mention it." Derek reached out to pull a lock of hair tellingly. "Remember to keep us updated on what's happening with you." He paused. "And Max, if he doesn't treat you right, just come back to us."

To me.

Duo's throat threatened to clog up. He swallowed the lump with difficulty. "I will." He promised. "Gods, I don't deserve you guys." Not after all the lies and trouble he had put them through.

"Believe me, Max, you do."

For an instant Duo thought for sure he'd heard something in the quiet voice. But the moment passed and he let it go. Not without regret, but with certainty that it was the right thing to do. `Max' was leaving Derek, but the latter would at least have the memory of a troubled young man he had befriended, instead of an unstable killer who directly or indirectly had had a hand in the death of someone he had loved.

The companionable silence lasted until they heard the unmistakable sounds of Jason moving about.

"He's going to miss you something terrible." Derek remarked at length, unfolding his body from the chair.

"He'll be fine." Duo assured him with a small grin. "In another month or so he'll be raving about a hot new classmate."

Just then, Jason spotted them and called out an excited greeting.

Derek couldn't keep the smirk from his voice. "I hope you're right, but I doubt it." He clasped Duo's shoulder. "Take care of yourself, Max."

"Max!" Jason bounded out to the balcony, barely restraining himself from glomping Duo. Derek shook his head at the eager puppy that his younger brother was and with a last lingering glance at Duo, stepped aside.

"Take a seat, Jason." Duo's voice was warm, but his eyes glinted with steel. "We are going to have a nice long talk about your future."

-end Chapter 18