Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Melancholy ❯ Melancholy ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer: The Mobile Suit: Gundam Wing characters used within this story are © Bandai, Sotsu Agency, Sunrise, etc. This work of fiction is intended for free entertainment purposes only. It is not suitable for readers under the age of 13.
Title: Melancholy, part 1/?
Author: Alleyprowler
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: 1x2, 3x5
Warnings: Angst, language, adult themes, shifting POV. Suicide references, but not a deathfic.

December 15, AC 199

I sit down on the window seat of my favorite room in our house, which happens to be my bedroom, and I look out the window at the seascape that I love so much. The other guys don't know why I took this small and rather dingy room as my own, but then again, I don't think any of them have sat in this particular spot and watched the tides come and go. I have. In fact, that's about all I've been doing for the last three days or so, ever since I got finished with my last bit of work.

Oh yes, my work. My raison d'être. The things I was brought up to do practically since birth. You see, the original plan was that I was going to be the groomed, pampered, cultured heir to the Winner corporation, uphold the peace and prosperity of the Colonies, and eventually settle down with some equally groomed, pampered and cultured girl and raise a huge family to continue the legacy while I worked myself to an early grave.

What a cruel fucking joke.

I am temperamentally unsuited for the job that I was born to do, and I'd known it ever since I was about 11 years old and met the Maguanac Corps. It just wasn't in me. Well, aside from the peace and prosperity of the Colonies bit, of course. I risked my worthless life time and time again trying to unite the Earth and the Colonies under one government, or at least one creed. I wonder even now if I hadn't been merely trying to kill myself in some socially acceptable way.

I guess I didn't become totally honest with my motives until the incident with the Zero system. Allah. If I live to be 100 (which I won't), I will never forgive myself for building that monstrosity. That damned thing made me realize that the line between enemy and ally is foggy at best; non-existent at worst. My neat little black-and-white world was shattered on the day my father and sister died, and was completely annihilated on the day I stepped into Wing Zero and began taking people out…

I need to calm down. My hands are shaking, and that won't do. I don't want to risk screwing up when it comes down to doing my last piece of work. I should sleep now. I need to be calm.December 16, AC 199

I will really miss Duo, Heero and Wufei when I am gone. I am so grateful that they agreed to come live with me here in this big white house by the sea. They seem to enjoy it so much, especially Duo, who has taken to water with bounding joy. It makes me laugh to see him out there on the sand, alternately running into and away from the surf. Heero is teaching him to swim, but he's still a bit shy about his skill.

Trowa and Wufei love the water too, and so does that huge, shaggy sheepdog they've adopted. Trowa loves animals, and so do I, so when he asked if Rufus could come live with us I was very quick to say yes. I thought that he had already asked Wufei if it was all right, but I was mistaken. They had a huge argument over it. Wufei didn't want some gigantic, slobbering, boisterous beast sharing his and Trowa's bed. Trowa had to resort to some fairly underhanded tactics to make Wufei see that Rufus wouldn't be a hindrance to their relationship. I believe they had sex while Rufus stood in a corner under the 'stay' command.

Duo just came in. He was trying to feed me some sort of concoction he had whipped up in the kitchen. He says I'm too thin. Well, maybe I am, but it doesn't matter. It's laughable, really. The others stare at me as if I'm some kind of freak whenever I make one of my rare forays downstairs, and they whisper to each other while eyeing me in a conspiratorial manner.

Oh, listen to me. I'm being paranoid. Honestly, I don't know why I thought they even paid any attention to me. They must be too wrapped up in their budding-blossoming-relationships to notice me. I must try to be quiet, like a mouse, when I creep out of my room.December 17, AC 199

It will be tomorrow. I've made my decision. Today I signed the final contract that will put WEI into ten of my sisters' hands as well as making Heero, Duo, Trowa and Wufei top shareholders in the company. I feel tremendously relieved.

For some reason I can't stop crying.

December 18, AC 199

I feel very calm. I'm crying, but my heart and soul are already at rest, and I feel as if I am floating. It's beautiful.

I have my Browning in my hand. I think I'll watch the tide come in one last time before I go

[Unfinished text]

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-December 18, AC 199

Quatre is in the hospital. Heero pretty much shattered his wrist when he kicked the gun out of Quatre's hand, but that isn't the problem. Quatre is malnourished, dehydrated, sleep deprived and displays just about every other symptom of self-neglect that medical science can come up with.

In other words, he's been trying to kill himself for quite a long time. The gun was just the final installment in a long drawn out battle for his soul.

All I have the strength to do at the moment is to slump against Rufus and try to write out my feelings. Behind me, Wufei is sunk into a deep, exhausted slumber on our bed. He's been crying. Wufei rarely cries. In fact, he only cries when he thinks he's lost someone who means something to him.

It's breaking my heart.December 19, AC 199

I once told someone that I didn't believe in God, but I think I've changed my mind. I believe in God, and I think He hates us.

I was the only one who was in any condition to go visit Quatre in the hospital today. Wufei was still deep in his exhausted sleep and Heero was too busy trying to comfort Duo, who was (and still is) nearly hysterical.

Quatre is slightly improved, physically. He has a cast on his arm and is being given intravenous nourishment, but he isn't eating on his own and he refuses to speak. He practically radiates fury. When I tried to touch him, he jerked away as if my hand was a burning brand, and he started to cry. His tears were more furious and frustrated than sad.

I don't know what to do. My loved ones are hurting, and I don't know what to do.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-December 20, AC 199

I saw my little brother today in the hospital this morning, but it wasn't really him. It was some wasted, silent ghost that looked sort of like Quatre, but wasn't him at all.

The Quatre I know is the smiling, cheery, loving little guy who provides for all of our material and emotional comforts, the one who tells us it'll be all right, the one who makes all the bad demons go away. He's the one we go to when we are upset and makes it all better with a warm hug and wise words. He's the one who shelters us from the big, bad world. He's our healer. He's the one who united us.

So what the blazing HELL is he doing in that fucking hospital bed?

Excuse me, I need to go punch something.