Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Game of Life ❯ The Game of Life ( One-Shot )

Title: The Game of Life

Author: Silver Moonbeam

Archives: none that I know of

Category: Humor

Rating: G

Warnings: extreme character bashing and OOC-ness

Disclaimer: Time for multiple choice. Do I a) Not own Gundam Wing, b) Not own the game, Life, c) Not profit from this fanfic, or d) All of the above? D, you say? Correct! We have a winner! As a grand prize you have the privilege of not wasting your money trying to sue me. Also, as an additional prize, you will get a 3-day, 5-night stay in your own backyard! Enjoy your prize.

A.N During this fic, it will be assumed that each pilot spins at the beginning of his turn unless stated otherwise. Also, I'm sorry if I don't know all the rules in this game, cause I've only played a few times. Some of the rules and stuff will be changed cause of uncertainty on my part and for humorous purposes. So, if you follow the rules in this fic and you and your friend get into a heated argument cause your friend thinks you're cheating, it's not my fault! Just telling you ahead of time.

Oh yeah, just in case you didn't know, each player picks a job and a salary, and after the player passes a square on the board marked 'Pay Day' they get that amount of money. Oh yeah, we'll assume they pass them at regular intervals but I don't want to keep writing that they did. There's probably about 15 of them, and there's going to be 7 characters, so I would have to write it 105 times. Yes, I can do my math.


"I can't believe I'm playing a board game," grumbled Wufei for the tenth time in the last minute.
"Come on, Wu-man! You've got nothing better to do anyway," protested Duo as he rummaged through the boxes stashed in the corner.
"I could be improving my fighting skills," he replied frostily.
"You could be doing that any old day," Duo pointed out. "Aha!" he cried as he found a certain box and plopped it onto the table.
"Life?" asked Trowa, raising an eyebrow.
"It's a long game," Duo replied, answering Trowa's silent question.
"Monopoly is a long game," Heero said, in a tone that indicated his low opinion of Duo's intelligence.
"Yeah," Duo said grinning, "which is why we'll be playing that later."
"Maxwell, don't push it! Just because I don't have anything of utmost importance to do, doesn't mean that I want to waste my time!" Wufei snapped.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever you say," Duo replied airily. "Now let's get started already!"
Duo spread and set up the game on the floor and the pilots each selected a car, which they would move around the board. Each pilot also took a blue peg and inserted it in one of the six holes in the car. Next, they all received $5,000 to start with. "Ok! We'll go according to pilot number. Which means, Heero has the honor of going first!"
Heero glared at Duo and then reached for the spinner. He picked up his little blue car and moved it to the right. After loaning a mere $20,000 from the bank to pay for college, he picked a job card from the deck. "Doctor," he read blandly after looking at the card.
"Doctor?" said Duo incredulously. "You've got to be kidding me."
Heero glared at him and thrust the card in front of Duo's face, squashing Duo's nose in the process. "You see this card?" Heero asked menacingly. Duo nodded. "You see that word on the bottom?" Duo nodded again. "It says 'doctor'. Got it?" Duo nodded once again and Heero finally removed the card from Duo's line of view.
"Geez, could you be any louder?" muttered Duo.
"What was that?" Heero snarled, murder in his eyes.
"Uh, I said, geez, could you, uh, make it any clearer?" Duo stammered. Heero glared suspiciously at him, but didn't say anything.
It's not fair, Duo thought to himself, Heero would make such a bad doctor. Especially how he sets legs. The thought made him slightly nauseous.
Heero then picked a salary card from the deck. "$50,000," he read.
Duo's turn was next. "Screw college. Who needs an education?" (A.N. No, I do not encourage dropping out of school) he said, as he moved his black car to the left and picked a job. With a flourish, he picked up the card. After glancing at it, he paused dramatically before continuing. "Butler," he announced. His eyes widened considerably as he absorbed what he just said. "Butler!" he yelled, "What the-"
Quatre blinked. "Aren't those the guys who stare down their noses at people and never smile?" (A.N. Not always true, cause Pagan never stares down his nose at people. Of course, you can't really tell with those eyebrows.)
"Yes," Wufei answered, "You're supposed to have one."
"Really?" asked Quatre, "Good, Duo can be my butler."
"I think I'll pass," Duo managed to say. Rather shakily he selected a salary card. "$80,000."
While this was going on, Trowa had picked up his green car and went to college although he looked like he couldn't care less. After he picked a job card, he looked up. "TV reporter," he murmured, raising an eyebrow. And "$90,000."
"Must be a quiet program," Wufei commented.
"And boring, no less," mumbled Duo, after recovering from his trauma.
Quatre moved his purple car, and after going to college, picked a job, and paled slightly. "Garbage man. And$25,000."
Duo hastily turned his laugh into a hacking cough. "Being a garbage man isn't so bad," he offered after he stopped 'coughing'. Quatre looked far from comforted.
Wufei rolled his eyes as he moved his bright red car. He decided to go to college because "Education is very important and full of justice and integrity". Duo's expression clearly told that he didn't agree. Wufei picked a card from the messy pile and stared at it. The other pilots watched in interest as Wufei's face turned the same shade of red as his car. Wufei started to splutter as he stared at the card with disbelief. An impatient Duo snatched the card from him.
"Housewife," Duo read. He blinked once, twice, three times. Slowly, a wide grin spread over his face. His face began to turn the same color as Wufei's as he laughed uncontrollably. Quatre quickly hid a smile behind the back of his hand. Trowa coughed and Quatre stared at him, wondering whether or not he should announce to the world that Trowa had laughed. Of course, he thought, it could just be my imagination. Maybe Trowa has a cold; he must be catching whatever Duo has. Maybe I should ask Catherine how she makes that soup of hers. (A.N. Which to my knowledge, no one drinks)
Wufei picked up a salary card. "$20,000."
"It's your turn again, Heero," Duo said calmly.
"Wait!" a loud female voice shrieked as Relena barged into the room from who-knows-where.
Wufei glared at her with extreme dislike evident on his face. "What do you want, onna?"
"I want to play too," Relena stated in a tone that gave no room for argument. Unfortunately, it didn't work.
"Onna, it's bad enough that I have to play this game, but I'm certainly not playing it with an incredibly annoying woman like you." Relena opened her mouth to protest.
"Be nice, Wufei," interrupted Quatre, trying to prevent the oncoming quarrel.
"Just let her," said Duo, looking slightly bored. Wufei looked at him in open disbelief. "After all," Duo continued, "think what'll happen if we don't? She'll annoy us forever."
Wufei turned white and miserably accepted defeat. "Fine, you may play onna." Relena smiled triumphantly.
"Hey, if she gets to play, can't I?" another female voice asked. The figure entered the room and promptly sat down on the floor. (A.N. Guess who)
"Why do you want to play?" asked Duo quizzically.
"Summer's been a total bore so far. Besides, why can't I? It is, after all, my fic. I can do whatever I want," the figure pointed out.
"True," mused Duo, "but can't you make it so that you would win?"
"Yeah, but I might not," replied the authoress, but as the gundam pilots noticed, she did not guarantee anything.
"Go ahead then," Duo said, shrugging, "the more the merrier." But he didn't include Relena in that statement.
Both Relena and the authoress took pink pins and stuck them into their cars. Relena picked up her pink car and went to college happily. She picked her job card and beamed. "Nurse!" she announced. "And$40,000!"

Trowa raised an eyebrow. "Maybe you'll be Heero's nurse," he murmured.

"Heero's a doctor?" Relena asked ecstatically, not expecting an answer. "It must be fate calling out to us!"
"Yeah right," the authoress mumbled. But Relena hadn't heard her because she had tackled Heero and hugged him fiercely.
"Relena" Heero mumbled.
"What?" asked Relena happily, while still hugging him.
"I can't breathe."
But Relena paid him no mind and still didn't let go even after Heero's face turned red and then blue, and eventually everyone else had to tug her off him before Heero suffocated.
I swear, Duo thought with exasperation, Heero may be the one giving death threats, but somehow, Relena will end up killing him before he kills her.
After Heero had recovered, the authoress moved her light blue car to the right. She nonchalantly picked a job. "Artist," she read. "Good thing I didn't get 'Housewife'." The authoress shot a sidelong glance at Wufei and smirked. Wufei turned red from anger and embarrassment.
By the time everyone had gone a second time, they had all stopped at the 'Get married' square and gotten 'married'. Everyone was supposed to put another pin into his or her car. If they had a blue pin, they were supposed to put a pink pin, and vice versa.
"Oh Heero!" cried Relena. "We're finally getting married."
"We are gathered here today," Duo intoned, "for a most joyous occasion." The authoress moved to the stereo and turned it on. A funeral march sounded throughout the house.
"For today-" Duo continued before getting punched in the stomach by Heero.
"That's enough," he said ominously.
"But Heero, don't you want to get married?" Relena asked. Heero looked very tempted to say 'no'.
Sensing another argument, Quatre quickly intervened. "Heero would love to." Heero glared daggers at him and repeatedly clenched and unclenched his fists.
Not wanting to witness a brutal murder, the authoress continued, "But it wouldn't be proper." Everyone stared at her. "I mean, we don't have rings," she quickly continued.
"What about the napkin rings?" asked Duo.
"Those would work!" cried Relena.
"We don't have anything nice to wear," said the authoress.
"I have a dress," said Relena.
"And Heero could borrow a tuxedo from me," added Quatre.
"What about the rest of us?" asked the authoress.
"I'm sure we could find something," said Quatre.
"We don't have flowers," said the authoress.
"There's some out back. We could use those," offered Quatre.
"We don't have a big cake," said the authoress, started to run out of excuses.
"We could buy one from the bakery down the street," Duo said.
"What about presents?"
"We could--" Duo started to say, before the authoress soundly bashed him in the head.
"You were saying?" she asked sweetly.
"Um, nothing," Duo said, trying to steady his vision. He was presently seeing four Relenas, which was disturbing as well as frightening.
"Anyone else have any suggestions?" the authoress asked, while glaring at everyone. The other gundam pilots shook their heads. "Good," she said, satisfied, "I guess that we can't have the wedding then." Relena looked extremely disappointed, while Heero started to breathe again.
"Hey, Quatre," Duo said suddenly, "why do you have two blue pins in your car?"
"Huh?" asked Quatre intelligently.
"Well, blue pins represent males and pink pins represent females. When we passed the 'Get Married' square, you were supposed to put a pink pin in your car."
"Oh," said Quatre, turning red. After the correction was made, it was Heero's turn again.
Heero landed on an orange square. "You receive the Nobel Peace Prize. Collect $60,000"
"Would this be before or after you blew up the OZ base?" asked Trowa. Heero glared in reply.
Meanwhile, Duo was peering at the orange square he had landed on. "You take a vacation. Pay $15,000."
"Where would you go on vacation?" asked Quatre.
"Yeah, I heard that L-1 is especially bleak and brutally cold this time of year. Why don't you go there?" suggested the authoress. "Or better yet, Alaska is even more frigid that usual right now. Or how about Hawaii, they have so many active volcanoes there."
"Very funny," mumbled Duo.
"Why would you take a vacation anyway?" asked Wufei.
"Because some of us have a different opinion of 'overworked' than you do," replied Duo.
"What, like lounging around the house?" Wufei sneered.
"I do not lounge around the house!"
"I'm sure you don't, so stop arguing!" yelled the authoress.
Trowa read the inscription in the little orange square he landed on. "You receive an award for kindness to animals. Collect $40,000."
"How can you be so nice to those lions?" asked Duo. "How do you know they won't bite your head off?"
"Fluffy wouldn't do anything like that!" cried Quatre.
"Fluffy?" asked Wufei, incredulously.
"Quatre named him," mumbled Trowa.
Quatre's turn was next. "You go on a shopping spree. Pay $10,000."
"What would you buy?" asked Duo.
"Probably some brown pants, purple vests, and pink shirts," Quatre replied. The authoress started to 'cough'.
"You get arrested. Miss 1 turn and pay $10,000 as bail," Wufei read.
"Why would you get arrested?" wondered Relena.
"Probably for waving that katana of his around," murmured Duo.
"Or maybe," hypothesized the authoress, "he was speeding and a female cop stopped him and gave him a ticket. Being Wufei, he probably insulted her strength and integrity, and ended up in jail!"
Relena went next. "You get eaten by lions. Miss two turns and pay $100,000 for surgery."
"Two turns?" asked Quatre.
"Relena must have hurt Fluffy's feelings," mumbled the authoress.
"Maybe it didn't like that pink monstrosity she drove," mumbled Trowa.
Meanwhile Duo, Wufei, and Heero were singing (A.N. Yes, singing) under their breaths. "Ding dong, the witch is dead."
"Your latest fanfic bombs. Pay $0." The authoress frowned.
"Hey! How come you don't have to pay anything?" asked Duo.
"Cause my fanfics are non-profit." (A.N. And they are!)
"Hmph, not fair" mumbled Duo.
"There's nothing 'not fair' about it," said the authoress.
During the next turn, everyone except Relena and Wufei bought houses.
"I got a stupid mobile home," mumbled Heero.
"Hey, it's not that bad," said Duo, "It's cheap, and its not like you have much stuff anyway."
Heero continued to grumble. "You have a townhouse."
"A rather expensive townhouse," corrected Duo.
"A seaside house is nice," said Relena to Trowa. "As long as you don't get seasick."
"What does having a seaside house have to do with being seasick, onna?" asked Wufei imperiously.
"Nothing," said Relena, beaming. Everyone sweatdropped.
The authoress sighed and rubbed her head. "I'm starting to get a headache," she mumbled.
"What a coincidence!" said Relena, moving on. "Quatre has a mansion!"
"I don't think I can afford it though," said Quatre rather sadly.
"That's OK," said Duo.
"It is?" asked Quatre, rather puzzled.
"Yeah, of course!" said Duo. Because I have a better chance of winning, he thought.
And I have a nice lil apartment, thought the authoress.
"Since the only house left is a shack," said Duo, "It goes to Wufei!"
Everyone except Wufei snickered.
"What about me?" asked Relena.
"Hmmm." said Duo. "There don't seem to be any cards left. We must be missing one. Oh well, I guess you don't get a house then."
"What'll I do without a house?" cried Relena, much too dramatically. "I'll get pneumonia or something, and die!"
"Yes!" everyone, except Quatre and Relena, shouted.
Relena sniffed, "How rude!"
"Your house is burned down," read Heero. "Pay $100,000 for damages."
"Don't play with matcheserm, explosives," intoned the authoress.
"That's more then I paid for the house!" Heero exploded.
"Wow, those explosives must've done a number on your mobile home!" exclaimed Duo.
"I hope other houses didn't catch on fire too," said Quatre, looking concerned.
"No, otherwise he would've gone to jail for being an arsonist," said Trowa reasonably.
"Heero! How many times have I told you not to detonate those things!" cried Relena.
"What?" asked Heero, "You mean these things?" He pulled out a time bomb.
"Ahhh!" everyone yelled, jumping away.
"It's gonna blow in 20 seconds!" yelled Duo.
"Can we disarm it?" asked Quatre.
"Not enough time!" said Wufei frantically.
"We're all going to die!" screamed Relena melodramatically.
"Oh, shut up!" said the authoress. "You're not helping!"
"5 seconds left!" reported Trowa.
"Give me that thing!" said Duo grabbing it and chucking it out the window. As the bomb went off, the windows shattered as sand billowed into the house. Everyone got up as the dusterm, sand settled and dusted themselves off.
"Is everyone OK?" asked Quatre.
"We're all fine," everyone reported.
Everyone crowded around the window and peered outside. There was now a large crater in the landscape outside Quatre's mansion.
"Well, now you have a new swimming pool," said the authoress brightly. "Now, wasn't that exciting?" Everyone stared at her as if she were crazy. "What? Have I got something on my face?"
"How boring was your summer?" demanded Duo.
"I could've gotten killed!" cried Relena.
"Boo hoo," mumbled the authoress.
"If I didn't know better, I would think you planned this," mumbled Wufei. The authoress stared at him and then started to casually whistle.
"You didn't!" cried Quatre.
"What?" asked the authoress. "You know I could perfectly well write that everyone survived somehow if the bomb had gone off. That is, except for her," she said gesturing toward Relena, "who tragically died."
"You wouldn't!" cried Relena.
"Try me!" shot back the authoress. Reminder to self, she thought, write a fic where Relena tragically and miserably dies. "Now back to the game!"
"That's all you can say after nearly getting blow to smithereens?" asked Duo.
"Of course," calmly stated the authoress, "after all, isn't that what this fic is about?"
Duo sighed. "Your car breaks down," he read, "Pay $30,000 for repairs and miss one turn! What! Why can't I fix it myself?"
"Because you're not a mechanic in this game," said Trowa reasonably. Duo grumbled about it only needing a twist of a wrench.
"Maybe Heero planted a bomb in your car," suggested the authoress, "and your car blew up!"
"Not with him in it!" said Quatre.
"Of course not," said the authoress, "does Duo look dead to you?"
"Well, he is awfully pale."
Heero pointed his gun at Duo's head. "Ahhhhh!" yelled Duo.
"He's alive," reported Heero.
Trowa read the inscription on the orange square he had landed on. "You have a boy."
"Oh my" said Quatre.
"You have twin boys" read Quatre. "Oh my"
"You have twin girls," Wufei read.
"Oh my" repeated Quatre.
The authoress smirked, "Ah, you have two weak girls. I hope you have an enjoyable life to come."
Relena landed on the same spot as Heero. "How could my house burn down!" she cried disbelievingly.
"Maybe Heero planted a bomb in her house," said Trowa softly.
"I hope so" murmured the authoress, smirking.
"This is no laughing matter!" cried Relena, seeing the smirk.
"Of course it is!" said the authoress airily.
"Besides," said Relena, evidently not having heard the authoress, "Heero would never do such a thing!"
"I wouldn't bet on it," mumbled Heero. I wonder if that bomb went off yet, he thought.
"You have extra money," read the authoress, "Donate $30,000 to the poorest person."
"That's me!" said Relena triumphantly.
"No," corrected the authoress, "that's Quatre." She handed him $30,000. "Now, you're the poorest person," she said smugly.
"Your house is broken into and money was stolen. You lose $60,000," Heero read, while glaring at the board
"Wasn't your house just burned down?" asked Quatre.
"You should take better care your house!" said Relena.
"How could a burglar break into your house anyway? That's impossible!" asked Wufei.
"Unless he managed to get past Heero's security," said Trowa. Heero immediately stiffened.
"Ooo, looks like that hit a nerve," said the authoress. Heero glared at her.
"You have a girl," Duo read. Heero turned his glare on Duo. "What?" asked Duo, "What did I do?"
"Don't mind him," said the authoress, "He's just touchy." Heero death glared her again. "See what I mean?"
"You get amnesia. Lose a turn," Trowa read.
"It's all my fault!" wailed Quatre.
"Of course it's not," said Duo.
"Really?" asked the authoress.
"Yes," said Duo, shooting her a glare.
"You use the zero system. Pay 100,000 for damages done," Quatre's lip started to tremble.
"Uh oh, here come the waterworks," mumbled the authoress.
"It's all my fault! It'sallmyfault, it'sallmyfault!"
"Anyone got any sedatives?" asked the authoress.
"Nope," said Duo, reaching for the phone.
"You're calling someone now?" asked Wufei incredulously.
"Yep." Meanwhile, the door burst open and a large truck drove through. With a screeching halt, it came to a stop in front of Duo.
"Order for Duo Maxwell?"
"That would be me!"
"Where do you want it?"
"By him," Duo said, pointing to Quatre. The back of the truck opened and sedatives poured out onto Quatre.
"I said by him, not on him!"
The authoress sighed, "At least now we have sedatives." Everyone proceeded to dig through the enormous pile of sedatives in hopes that Quatre had not suffocated yet. A few minutes later, an unconscious Quatre was dragged out. "Wow, and we didn't even need to give him any," said the authoress, amazed.
"You have twin girls. What! This is an outrage!" said Wufei inermoutrage.
"Ahahaha!" laughed the authoress. Wufei reddened and whipped out his katana. "Ack!" cried the authoress, dodging the sharp and pointy blade that was coming at her. In the process, an inch of her hair was chopped off. "Why you!" she cried in anger. Grabbing a large wooden mallet, she soundly whacked Wufei, who flew out the window and into the large crater outside.
Several minutes later, the large bump on Wufei's head was bandaged, and the broken window had a piece of plywood nailed over it.
"You get sued. Pay $70,000. Why would I ever get sued?" cried Relena.
"I can't imagine," mumbled Duo.
"Maybe it was for stalking Heero," suggested Trowa.
"Heero would never sue me!" said Relena confidently, "Right, Heero?" Heero chose not to reply.
"It's your lucky day! You find $60,000 on the street. Wow!" exclaimed the authoress. "I never found money before!"
"Maybe it's the money that got stolen from Heero," suggested Trowa.
Heero reddened. "Give it back," he commanded.
"But I found it!" said the authoress, "it's mine! Eek!" A bullet whizzed past her head.
"Why you!" she said raising her wooden mallet. A second later, Heero went whizzing through the plywood that held together the broken window. Once the bump on Heero's head was bandaged and the window was fixed with the recently taped together piece of plywood, Relena spoke up.
"Why are you so violent?" she asked the authoress. "It was just a bullet! You're acting like an old hag! You need to-" Crash! Relena went through the taped together piece of plywood.
"I am not an old hag!" cried the authoress. She dropped her mallet down on the floor with a shattering crash and proceeded to sit on it and use it as a chair.
No one bothered to help Relena and it was decided that they shouldn't fix the window because no one could find another piece of plywood.
"A can of paint is dropped on your head," Heero read, "and your hair is dyed green. Pay $500 to turn it back to its natural color."
"Or unnatural color," murmured Duo.
"It's all right," said Relena, offering meaningless and ineffective comfort.
"Wow, now your hair really is moss green," said the authoress. Heero glared at her and cocked his gun. The authoress glared back and her hand went to grip her mallet.
"Let's not fight!" cried Quatre, startling everyone. However, on close inspection, it was determined that Quatre was actually still unconscious.
"You have an accident with a lawn mower," began Duo, "and you have a close shave, literally. Pay $1000 to fix your bad haircut. Ahhhhh! Nooooo! My braid! Ahhhhh!"
"Duo, snap out of it!" cried the authoress. Duo failed to hear her. "Hello?" said the authoress, while waving a hand in front of Duo's face. However Duo was off in Duo-land, mourning the 'loss' of his braid.
"Maxwell!" cried Wufei, while flipping Duo's braid in front of his face. "Your braid's not gone!"
Duo snapped out of it. "Oh. I knew that."
"Sure you did."
"You get rabies. Pay $1000 for an expensive rabies shot."
"I told you!" cried Duo. "The lion did bite you!"
"Fluffy wouldn't do that!" cried Quatre, still unconscious. Everyone blinked and sweatdropped.
"Why do I not get paid for giving him a rabies shot?" asked Heero, irritated.
"Because youum, fix broken bones!" said the authoress.
"Oh," said Heero, slightly appeased. Meanwhile everyone stared at the still unconscious Quatre.
Duo sighed. "We better wake him up, it's his turn."
Wufei grabbed a pair of cymbals. Everyone plugged their ears as the cymbals met with a shattering crash. Quatre continued to lie there.
Heero then shot a bullet into the ceiling. All that did was cause a large chunk of plaster to fall on Relena's head, giving her another giant lump.
Sighing heavily, the authoress lugged a huge tub of water toward where Quatre lay. With huge effort, she overturned the tub onto Quatre. Quatre gasped and his eyes shot open as the tsunami of water poured onto him.
"You were supposed to wake him up, not drown him!" cried Relena.
"Oh well. It worked though, didn't it?"
"What was that for?" gasped Quatre, thoroughly drenched.
"It's your turn," said Heero.
Slightly grumpy, Quatre went ahead with his turn. "You get a nervous breakdown," Quatre paled. "Pay $10,000 for hospitalization."
"Uh oh," murmured the authoress, as Quatre began to wail. Sighing, she chucked a bottle of sedatives at Quatre. "Here, catch." However Quatre didn't look up fast enough, and was hit in the head with the bottle. Down he went.
"How could you do that!" shrieked Relena.
"Could you keep it down?" asked the authoress, "I'm beginning to get a headache."
"You get food poisoning from a mysterious bowl of soup," read Wufei, "Pay $5000 to get your stomach pumped."
"It's probably from Catherine's soup," said Trowa.
"But you drank it too!" said Wufei.
"Well, I spent months developing an immunity to it."
"You get hit by a stray bullet. Pay $25,000 to remove it," Relena read.
"I bet the bullet was not-so stray," mumbled the authoress, while moving her car. "You stay alive and well. Pay $0."
"Well," commented Trowa dryly, "at least someone came through unscathed."
"You get arrested for indecent exposure," read Heero, "Pay $4500 for bail."
"Heero is not indecently exposed!" cried Relena in outrage.
"Of course you would think so!" shot back the authoress. "Spandex does not cover much skin, you know."
"At least you're wearing jeans today," commented Duo. Heero was busy seething, and did not reply.
"Your self-dentonation device fails once again, and you are caught. You spend $10,000 on the explosives needed to bust yourself out. Why!" cried Duo, not expecting an answer, "why does it never work?"
"You didn't say please?" offered Relena. The authoress shot her a look that silently said, 'You are really stupid and have problems'.
"You receive an award for punching someone in the stomach. Cash in your $100,000 check," Trowa read.
"The board is psychic," said Wufei with finality.
"And that certain someone would be me," said Duo, "How could you do that? I had a bruise for a month!"
"I see you're still holding a grudge about that," commented Trowa.
"Sonow what do we do?" asked Relena, "Poor Quatre's unconscious."
The authoress sighed. Getting up to lug another tub of water over, she overturned it on Quatre.
"I'm all wet!" spluttered Quatre.
"So? You were already wet," replied the authoress, "And it's just water."
With an evil grin, Duo dumped a pail of water on the authoress.
"Ahhhhh!" shrieked the authoress, "What the hell was that for!"
"Just water huh?" asked Duo smugly.
"Uh" said the authoress and looked up at the ceiling, whistling quietly.
Relena looked up the ceiling too, "What's so interesting up there?" she asked. The authoress ignored her.
"You fall out of a tree and break your leg," read Quatre, "Pay the doctor $1000 to set it."
Heero looked up almost eagerly. However, no one could tell if it was because Quatre had to pay him, or because he was looking forward to setting Quatre's leg. He got up and started to walk toward Quatre, menacingly.
"Heero!" said Trowa sharply, "Quatre's leg is not broken." Heero looked disappointed.
"You're katana breaks," Wufei read, "Pay $50,000 to buy a new one. Injustice! How could this happen! My katana deals out justice!"
"I thought it deals out pain," said Duo, slightly confused.
Wufei ignored him, "And $50,000 for a katana! That is too high! Even for a justice serving one!"
"Maybe it's made of gundanium," suggested Trowa.
Wufei paused in mid-rant. "Oh, well that's ok then."
"You get run over by a car," read Relena, "and break all your bones. Pay the doctor $75,000 to set them all."
Heero immediately got a large evil glint in his eyes and started to laugh maniacally. Meanwhile, the authoress laughed hysterically at Heero's evil laugh. (A.N. I actually did laugh hysterically during the series when Heero did that.) Relena looked confident that Heero wouldn't try to set her bones. But we know that that was very stupid of her.
"You go on an anime shopping spree and spend $10,000," the authoress read.
"How could you spend $10,000 on anime?" asked Relena incredulously.
"Why not?"
"What would you buy with all that money?" asked Wufei.
"Oh let's see, I'd buy Gundam Wing (A.N. Just had to put that there), X, Tokyo Babylon, Clover, Gravitation, Love Hina, Evangelion, Magic Knights Rayearth, Card Captor Sakura, WeiB Kruez, Fushigi Yuugi, Ayashi No Ceres, Megami Kouhosei, D.N. Angel" she continued to name various animes.
"We understand," said Wufei impatiently, "Now shut up! You're-" Whiz! Wufei went through the hole in the window.
"Good thing we didn't fix that hole," commented Duo. Trowa nodded in agreement.
Heero spun again, and retired. Triumphant of his victory, he went to Millionaire Estates. (A.N. Ack! So sorry! Forgot the names of the retirement places! I haven't played life for almost 3 years!)
Duo however, didn't retire. "You are suspected of cheating. Return $150,000. What!" he yelled, not moving even a dollar of his money.
"You are refraining from cheating, aren't you?" asked Wufei, suspicious.
"Of course not!" said Duo, indignant, "How can you suspect this innocent face?" The authoress coughed behind her hand. "I mean, really!" Duo continued, while waving his hands, "I would never do such a thing!" However, while he was saying this, about (A.N. just 'about') $150,000 slipped out of his sleeve.
"Aha!" cried Wufei, "I knew it!"
"I didn't mean to!" cried Duo with his best 'innocent child caught stealing candy' face.
"You were caught red-handed!" said Relena, intent on serving punishment for Duo's crime, "return that money, and pay an additional $150,000!"
"What!" cried Duo, "I refuse!" Everyone glared at him. "Uh, I meant, uh, I will!"
Trowa and Quatre both retired. Trowa to Millionaire Estates, and Quatre, looking at his measly pile of money, went to County Acres.
"You have twin girls," Wufei read.
"Wow," said Duo. "You're very active." (A.N. *turns bright red while writing this* I have problems with writing comments like this.) Wufei glared daggers at him.
Trowa, meanwhile, was staring at Wufei's full car. Quatre also took note of this. "How are we going to fit two more pegs in his car?"
"Aha!" cried Duo, "this is a job for...!" he pulled something out of thin air, "Masking tape!" Everyone fell over. Duo took no note of this and was wrapping tape around Wufei's car. Within seconds, Wufei's car went from a small, red plastic object to a large, hulking, gray mass. Wufei cringed inwardly when he took note of the small pegs sticking out of the now unidentifiable object.
"You fall off a cliff. You have all your bones set, but unfortunately you die and never retire. Pay $500,000 for the unsuccessful operation," read Relena with growing irritation.
Everyone burst into laughter, and bellowed 'Ding dong, the witch is dead!' Relena hmphed and stormed out of the room. However, within seconds she was back, and everyone was quite dismayed.
"Your mallet breaks, and you have to buy a new. Pay $1000."
"Ha!" cried Relena, "Now you'll have to stop your violence! You will -" Whiz!
"Shut it!" cried the authoress. Unfortunately, after Relena flew out the window, her mallet cracked in half. "No!" Everyone blinked.
"Wow," said Duo, amazed, "Relena must have a hard head."
The authoress stared at her ruined mallet a little while longer, and with a shrug, threw it over her shoulder. It landed on the floor with a crash loud enough to wake the dead. Or in this case Relena, who crawled back to the room. The authoress plopped back down and pulled another mallet out of thin air. "That's okay! I have a spare!" (A.N. a la Chichiri) Everyone fell over.
In the next turn, Duo, Wufei, and the authoress retired to Millionaire Estates.
After the rigorous process of counting up everyone's money. It was determined that Trowa was the winner.
"What!" cried Duo, "This is outrageous! I should have won!"
"No!" cried Wufei, "I should have!"
Heero shot them both a glare that said, "I should have!"
During the argument that ensued, Trowa slipped out. When this was finally noted, Duo, Wufei, and Heero chased after him to seek their revenge, while Quatre and Relena went to ensure that no one got hurt. The authoress sighed and followed, bringing along her new and improved mallet.

The Salaries:
Heero: $50,000
Duo: $80,000
Trowa: $90,000
Quatre: $25,000
Wufei: $20,000
Relena: $40,000
The authoress (a.k.a. me): $60,000

The Houses:
Heero's mobile home: $40,000
Duo's townhouse: $80,000
Trowa's seaside house: $100,000
Quatre's mansion: $175,000
Wufei's shack: $30,000
Relena's nonexistent house: $0
The authoress's apartment: $55,000
A.N I've never bought a house, so I know nothing of the costs.

The Results:
Heero: $585,000
Duo: $914,000
Trowa: $1,369,000
Quatre: $89,000
Wufei: $225,000
Relena: -$290,000
Authoress: $844,000
A.N I apologize for inaccuracies. I can do math, but not that well. Feel free to correct me.