Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Quatexorcist ❯ Duo Maxwell, Meet Evil Spirit ( Prologue )

The Quatexorcist

AN: Life is like a old car, one minute you're sailing along at a nice, easy, cruise control pace down a lovely country road, just taking it all in. The next you have your fingernails driven inch-deep into the dashboard as you fly around hairpin corners at about 180 miles per hour. As for breaks, what breaks? The latter quite accurately describes the life of the gundam pilots on a good day. That's right people, Quatre isn't blond, he's prematurely white. However, this fic isn't based on the pilot's normal (in the loosest sense of the word) lives, oh no, this fic is dedicated towards the most screwed up and unbelievable day ever experienced in gundam pilot history. Oh yes, and a warning ahead of time, there is absolutely no yaoi mentioned in this entire fic. If you don't know what yaoi is, it doesn't really matter because as I said, there is none in this fic. However, you shameless hentais can growl a few choice oaths about my ancestry and click the back button now, if you have not already. For those of you who don't know what hentai is, then I guess you really haven't seen that much anime. Anyway, I had better stop this soon or this fic will wind up being too big to post! Anyhoo, the broad: ENJOY!!!

)`~*~`( (Funky symbol thingie huh?)

Duo sensitively shredded the brightly colored paper on the box and then delicately tore open the box beneath and held his new treasure in his hands. His eyes gleamed devilishly as he examined his brand spank'n new toy before he jumped up, gave the rich blond Arab at his side a big hug for the gift and bounded up the stairs to his safehouse room for a test run, nearly knocking the Christmas tree over and successfully taking a chunk out of corner of the coffee table with his knee. Ouch. It would be better to say that he hopped on one leg cursing and swearing up the stairs to his safehouse room for a test run. Once he reached his room, (and after making sure his poor knee was still connected in all the right places) he lavishly laid his prize on his bed and sat cross-legged at it's head. He grinned evilly and rubbed his hands in boyish delight as he beheld the many-lettered glass plate that had become his second most prized possession in less than two minutes. He had always wanted one of these things! His eyes held their usual impish gleam as he pondered what the spirits would say once he got his oujia (sp) mojo in action! He laid his hand on the triangular thing and waited for it to start. And waited. And waited. And waited. He fidgeted a bit. And waited. And waited. Duo pouted and crossed his arms with a disappointed huff. The stupid thing was busted! As if on que, Quatre's voice wafted up the stairs to inform Duo that breakfast was ready.

"One minute!" the braided pilot called back. Sure it wasn't like him to pass up food in any way shape or form, but he was determined to make his stupid oujia (sp) board work. With a frustrated growl he took the glass triangle and physically shook the damn thing all over the board. "Stupid Thing! Why! Won't! You! Just! Woooork!?!" he howled, then promptly let go of the piece of glass and cheerfully bounced down the stairs. Hmmm… Smells like waffles… (Duo's five-second attention span strikes again). It was a real shame that he wasn't there to witness what happened just a few short seconds after he shut the door behind him, because he probably would have had an aneurysm. The flat glass triangle slowly shifted, of it's own accord, across the board, to point at six, very informative letters on the finely painted glass board:

S U C K E R

A few months later, the oujia (sp) board was sitting forgotten amongst Duo's growing collection of dust bunnies in the corner of his room while Duo himself was comfortably nestled in is bed, trusty manga in hand. The other pilots were downstairs, watching a documentary of some sort on the television, and documentaries, as we all know, are educational and therefore have the same effect on Duo as Holy water does on vampires. Duo happily hummed to himself as he flipped to the next page… Mmmm… Big busted chicks in bikinis… Luckily his pillow was there to absorb the small droplet of drool that had escaped the corner of his slightly upturned lips. If only women looked like that in real life! He was so absorbed in his, err, educational readings that at first he didn't notice the slight jolt his bed gave beneath him. Or the second, slightly harder jolt. However, he noticed the third, as it was hard enough to knock the manga out of his hands…

After a few minutes…

The four remaining gundam boys sat in their respective places watching the television. Well, actually, it would be more accurate to say that their eyes were on the screen, but they weren't watching the TV. They were too busy trying to ignore the loud thumping and muffled cries coming from Duo's room directly above them.

"I thought Hilde went home a while ago." Was Heero's offhand comment as he brushed some of the fallen plaster off his shoulder. Quatre turned to look at the passionless protagonist, his face doing a rather accurate impression of a ripe tomato.

"She did." Was his only reply. The other pilot's faces twisted into a mix of shock, disgust, and horror, as they all looked up to the source of the loud, obscene thumping. Then shuddered and covered their ears with whatever could be found to muffle the sound. Quatre started supper with a big fuzzy pair of earmuffs that easily covered half of his face.

"HEEEEEELP!!!" Duo screamed again, but to no avail. He tightened his death grip on his headboard as his bed continued to toss and lunge like a rabid bucking bronco on steroids. When the bed started to cackle demonically, Duo came to the conclusion that now would be a good time to get the hell out of there before his evil bed decided to eat him or something. Now, how do you stop an evil bed…? Wait a second! He brandished his little silver cross pendant like the mightiest sword and pressed it onto the mattress. Well, it didn't exactly work out quite like Duo had planned. The mattress spontaneously burst into flames with an inhuman scream and Duo was hurled off its insanely rocking body. The next few moments were the most terrifying in poor Duo's entire existence as he rolled around on the floor trying to avoid being trampled by his rampaging bed and put out his flaming shirt. He finally managed to squirm to the door, toss himself out into the hall, and lock the psycho bed inside the room. He sighed in relief. He briefly pondered what had gotten into his bed when suddenly the door bulged outwards with a huge bang. Duo's eyes were as wide as dinner plates as he leaned his weight against the door. It was trying to escape!!! Duo was thrown forward with the next heart-stopping bang. This time he bolted down the hall screaming at the top of lungs and flailing his hands wildly for effect.

Wufei hummed to himself as he started up the stairs, incense for his mini shrine in hand and earmuffs firmly fixed onto his head. He sniffed one of the musky sticks with a slight smile, `Dragon's Blood' had been his great grandfather's favorite scent… Suddenly, a large black blur with a very distinctive braid zoomed down the stairs like all the demons in hell were hot on his tail. Duo and Wufei noticed each other a few seconds too late, and when Duo tried to maneuver around the Chinese pilot, he only wound up tripping over his feet and barreled into the shocked Wufei. They rolled down the stairs together in one giant, kicking, cursing, and biting ball off peed-off testosterone. At the bottom, they both kept trying to crawl over the other to get up first, which only succeeded in worsening the human tangle that blocked the stairway. They cursed, they swore, they brawled, until they both were reduced to panting blobs of black and blue that twitched occasionally while barely clinging to consciousness. Duo was snapped out of his stupor with a loud series of bangs from up in his room, accompanied by an ominous crack. Wufei, with the earmuffs rather unceremoniously ripped from his head looked at the American pilot with wide and accusing eyes.

"What the hell is that Maxwell?" he growled in a nasal voice, as that incense stick he had been smelling was now lodged firmly in one of his flared nostrils. Duo whimpered lightly and lunged forward, but to no avail as Wufei's leg was like a dead weight on his neck, and it wasn't moving until Wufei bloody well pleased.

"Maaaaxweeeell…"

"MY BED IS GONNA EAT ME!!!"

"Wha-?" Wufei didn't get a chance to finish his sentence as Duo had taken advantage of the Chinese pilot's temporary shock and was speeding down the hall as fast as he could. And due to the fact that Wufei's earmuffs were still around Wu-Wu's neck and one of the little link things were hooked onto Duo's pants leg, Wufei was dragged along with him, and to make matters worse, every time Duo lifted his leg he unintentionally kicked Wufei in the head. Trowa paused in his usual routine of whatever it is he does to stare at the rather odd sight of a thoroughly scorched and bruised Duo running around like a chicken with its head cut off and dragging an equally beaten up Wufei who was rapidly turning blue due to lack of oxygen and a stick of incense shoved up his nose. Trowa blinked once or twice before continuing on his merry, err, monotone way.

"Quatre." The blond Arab started at the unexpected voice (he decided to take off his earmuffs as one couldn't hear the thumping of Duo's bed from the kitchen) and whirled around to meet the single green eye of his best friend looking at him. Quatre smiled in his adorable little way and returned the greeting. Trowa simply turned around and walked out of the kitchen while signaling Quatre to follow. The smaller boy turned off the stove and followed. Soon Quatre was gaping in disbelief at the spectacle that was Duo and Wufei running around in circles in the main room. Heero was sitting on the couch looking more and more irritated by the second at the idiocy of his fellow pilots. With an exasperated sigh he stuck out his foot as Duo made another round. The braided Shinigami tripped over the intruding object and flew straight into the coffee table, Wufei ungraciously landing on top of him. Quatre rushed over with his mini first aid kit to check for broken bones. Wufei was gasping for precious air all the while attempting to bypass Quatre to strangle Duo. Duo was practically frothing at the mouth and twitching while spouting nonsense about evil beds and napalm cross pendants. Quatre gave him a shot of sedatives to finish the job Duo himself had nearly done and the braided pilot slipped into the sweet embrace of unconsciousness. Where all those big-busted women in bikinis lived… A smile pulled at the corner of his lips as the first droplet of drool began to form. Heero and Trowa restrained Wufei until he calmed down. In other words, until he passed out due to blood loss from the incense stick being removed from his nose.

Quatre could only sigh and shake his head at the spectacle. The other pilots just left their comrades where they were on the floor and went back to whatever it was they had been doing, passing the odd events of the evening as just `one of those times'. Quatre however, was genuinely concerned. Something had scared Duo pretty bad, and poor Wufei had just been in the wrong place at the wrong time (nothing new there). After a moment of thought, Quatre decided it would be wise to check things out for himself. He turned and started up the stairs.

To Be Continued…