Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Torn Hearts ❯ Torn Hearts ( Prologue )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

Authors Notes: This fanfic is an emotional purging. The premise has been done to death,
but I'm writing it and I'm doing it this way because the person who it involves will know
who they are and will know what role they play in these events. This is not a revenge fic,
per se. For you who know who you are: I didn't write this to try and hurt or humiliate you.
If I did, I would have just written your name. I wrote this for myself. Truthfully, you
are not worth the trouble to try and humiliate. I needed this purging, and I am not the
type to write something and not share it. So here it is. Enjoy. You will find bits and
pieces of what was actually said (okay, a little more than bits and pieces), and you
will also find my views on what happened, as well and the views of another person, and you
know who this other person is as well. For Marika Webster: I could never, ever make
it through this without you. You are everything anyone could ask for in a
soulsister and best friend, and I do not look forward to the day your hubby
finally goes off to boot camp. The meanie that I am, I halfway hope he doesn't
make it through. ;o) VIVA LA FRANCE! VIVA LA REVOLUTION! THONK!

Disclaimers: I don't own Gundam Wing or any of its characters. I also certainly
don't own this premise, as it's been done so many times I can't count on both my
fingers and toes, and everyone knows that English majors need both fingers and
toes to count.

Torn Hearts

Relena carefully pushed open the large door. It led into the room that she and
Hiiro had shared for the past four years. They were both nineteen now, and of
legal marrying age. Her heart fluttered in a happy little dance as she thought
that perhaps this was it, the day she'd been waiting for. Then a slight shadow
fell over her as she considered another, darker possibility. As she stood in the
doorway, and watched him sit motionless in a chair facing the window, Relena
remembered her imaginings and the rumors she'd heard. Then she bravely shook her
head and stepped inside, knocking on the door although he already knew she was
there.

"You wanted to speak with me," she stated in that overly formal tone she was
never quite able to drop, even in the presence of the man she loved. As he
continued to stare without a word, Relena began to realize that this was no
proposal, and would in fact turn into her worst nightmare. She slid to the bed
to sit, her mind already settling into a misty daze, as if to form some sort of
barrier against the emotional hit she knew was coming. Maybe, if she were lucky,
this would all be a dream, a horrible nightmare and she would wake up soon and
turn over in bed to watch him sleep. Finally his Prussian eyes turned to her,
and with such intensity burning in them that she knew it was no dream.

"I didn't want to do this today," were the first words from his mouth, a
non-Hiiro-like display of apology. She searched her mind, which was rapidly
shutting down, and remembered with a start that the next day was her birthday.
She would be twenty. "This won't be the birthday you hoped for, or the one I
did."

"I know." She folded her hands primly on her lap and kept her eyes to the
ground. "Why?"

"For all the reasons you think." As always, they didn't have to express in full
words what they meant. The other knew without asking. "I'm an asshole, Relena.
And I don't deserve you." Any normal man would have leaned forward at this
moment, whether he meant his apology or not, and taken her hand in a gesture of
thin comfort. But Hiiro stayed where he was, seemingly rooted to the chair.

"So, you've . . ."

"Yes."

"Who?"

"You know who." At this he turned his gaze away again, no longer able to look at
her head on. And he spoke the truth; she did know who. She would have known even
if she had not heard the rumors, had not seen the blatant looks of pity thrown
to her from staff members who'd suspected, or heard, or seen. And she hated them
both at that moment, a brief fire of pure hatred that Hiiro could not curb his
libido, and the other, that braided idiot, did not have the human decency to
stay away from something that should have been untouchable. *Duo should have been
a better human being. He knew how much I loved . . . love Hiiro. How could he do
this to me?*

"I knew," she finally said, "I knew and I did my best to act as if I didn't. I
was even a friend to him, more than civil. I wanted to believe . . . that it was
only once." She felt, to her eternal humiliation, the crumpling of her face and
the spilling of tears over her cheeks. It was not as if she had not cried in his
presence before. But this time she couldn't bare to let him see her hurting, but
she couldn't stop it either. With those tears came the final breaking down of
all her high-society built walls of propriety and she leaned forward into her
grief. "I don't understand how this could happen!"

"My love for you, Relena, is like the love towards an extremely close friend."

She looked up at him, confusion filling her every pore and she knew it ran from
her eyes along with her tears. An extremely close friend? "An extremely close
friend? After . . . after all this? After two wars, four years, and so much
more, I'm your extremely close *friend*?!?" Her words strained to be understood
between her sobs, and those sobs turned into coughs. Her stomach did flip flops
and she strained to calm down before she made herself physically sick. Silence
cloaked them in uneasy truce as she struggled, and at last she was able to speak
again. "I don't believe that. I don't believe that people just fall out of love,
or that loves fades from passion to platonic."

"So, you believe that I never loved you?"

She nodded, even though that was not what she meant. She simply couldn't bring
herself to say that what she really meant was that he still loved her, but he
was confused. He was, after all, a teenager, nineteen and a male to boot. While
she was the same age, females not only matured faster, but also fell in love
easier and they did not question their love the same way men do.

"I guess that's possible," he mused, and she saw his eyes unfocus as he thought
on that, "I could have only thought I loved you." But soon his eyes regained
their focus and his face took on that tight, serious look that meant he was
about to impart bad news. *What else? What more can I take?* "I tried, Relena, I
really did. But . . . I know somehow, deep down, that I would never be happy
with you."

The world stopped.

*I would never be happy with you. I would never be happy with you.*

Those words repeated in her mind, over and over, the last testament to a dying
relationship that just breathed its last. He knew that their relationship had
begun on his terms, with him coming to her because that was the way she wanted
it. She'd finally come to realize that all of her chasing would do no good if he
did not want to be with her. And she knew that she could not force him into
something that would not make him happy. So she'd waited, and been rewarded when
he'd shown up one day at Sanch, something else shining in his eyes that she'd
never seen before, and announced without preamble that he loved her. Now he was
using her own strategy against her, her own words, forcing her to release him
from his bondage because he knew she could not stand for him to be miserable if
she could prevent that.

"I don't want to let you go," she gasped, "but I know I have to. I love you,
Hiiro." Through the blurry haze of tears she saw the look in his eyes, the pity,
that expression of pity that she couldn't stand.

"I'm sorry. I think maybe that I'm the one for you, but you're not the one for
me."

She shook her head dumbly, unable to reply to that. She didn't believe it, but
she could find no words to say aloud. *God wouldn't do that, give a person
undying love for someone who was meant for another. He wouldn't.* Something in
the shadow of her vision moved and she lifted her head to see him rising finally
from the chair.

"I'll pack my things and be out in an hour."

"Hiiro," she stood, calling his name almost desperately, and reached out to him
but she didn't dare actually touch him, "Hiiro could . . . could I . . .?"

"I'll always be there if you need me. What is it?"

"Could I kiss you? Just one more time?" There was not even a pause. He nodded
almost as if he'd expected such a request. He even motioned her forward, into
his waiting arms. It still felt so natural, to be in those arms. And when she
pressed her lips to his, there was no sign, no signal from him that this kiss
was any different than those from the past. She couldn't be sure that this was
because all of his recent kisses lacked true emotion, and she could not tell the
difference . . . or if the reason lie in his confusion, and the still present
feelings of true love he had. She couldn't know. No one ever really knew with
Hiiro Yui.

This kiss did not last long. She pushed him back and turned away. She knew she
couldn't let that kiss last much longer or she would desperately ask him into
bed, one last time. Worse than the knowledge that she would do that, was the
suspicion that he would accept, and allow that last tryst. Then she would be
even more torn, not knowing if he could be with her because of love he did not
know he had, or if he was simply a teenage boy at his sexual peak, and could
sleep with anyone without love or conscience, based only on lust. And if it was
this second, then he would have been using her for the length of their
relationship, knowing he did not love her, yet allowing her to believe it and
allowing her to give herself wholly to him. She could not allow that. She wanted
him, but not in such confusion.

"I should go."

"I thought you'd want to stay. It is your bedroom."

"There's nothing more to say, and I think I should go." She did not tell him
that she would also be moving her things. She could not stay in this room
without him, remembering their nights together, and the days as well. Her sanity
was tremulous enough. Keeping her eyes down, to the side, anywhere but on him,
Relena turned and walked as fast as she could to and through the door. She would
not run, but she needed to get away faster than a simple stroll could carry her.
Her feet moved at a pace accelerated, and she was halfway down the hall when she
heard his voice, not so far behind.

"Relena, wait." She turned, seeing him running towards her, and a tiny flame of
hope burned up within her broken heart. Could he have already known the mistake
he'd made? Could he be coming back to tell her . . . "Here." He handed her a
small golden cross on a chain, a gift she'd given him not long after he'd come
to Sanch, supposedly to stay. He'd made some short, Hiiro-ish remark, and she'd
looped it about his neck telling him to keep it a while, and take good care of
it for her. They'd both known it was a gift of love, a gift that she gave him to
prove their love would last. Now he handed it back to her, closing her slender
fingers about the cross and chain. Before releasing her hand he looked up, and
she couldn't help but do the same, although she kept her gaze on his nose and
away from his eyes, afraid of what she would see, or not see, in those depths.

"Relena, I . . . this is either what I need to do, or it's the biggest mistake
I'll ever make."

"I'll always love you, Hiiro." She pulled away again, heading down the hall. She
barely heard his reply.

"Thank you."

*Hiiro . . . I meant it. I /will/ always love you. And if you ever decide that this
was not what you needed to do, but your biggest mistake, I'll be waiting to help
you correct it.*

End Torn Hearts.