Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Words of the Heart ❯ Part Four: Feel ( Chapter 5 )

Part Four: Feel

Summary: And I chose to feel, but you didn't choose. Heero wonders if he's doing what's best.

 

Feel

 

Hesitation.

Doubt.

Regret.

I've had each one all but drilled out of my psyche, to make me a better soldier. A better weapon. I've gotten so used to simply pushing them away that I've forgotten how strong they can be when everything you do reminds you of what you regret.

I'd forgotten how necessary each one was to my continued humanity.

If I had just hesitated a minute more, perhaps that disaster at New Edwards would never have happened.

……but if I had hesitated, that chunk of the Libra that fell towards Earth would have wiped out an entire planet of innocent people. Animals. Plants. Life.

See my problem?

I can't help these doubts that arise whenever Duo walks by my office. Or enters a room. Or is even mentioned in a conversation.

He moved out two months ago. Found his own apartment across town- closer to Sally and Wufei. I had objected at first- we were only taking a break, not settling a divorce- but Duo insisted, pointing out that the temptation to fall back onto old habits was simply too great. Claimed that he did not want to be too much of a distraction to me- a hindrance, a bother.

Duo was never a bother, not even when he was trying to be one.

Of course I told him that but he simply shrugged, not letting the regret or even the anger touch him anymore. Oddly enough I understood that- we had to either feel the pain or freeze it out to get through this. I've opened myself up again, to the harsher, darker feelings of being human but Duo……his icy silence is practically a defense mechanism.

And where I chose to feel, he didn't choose at all. He simply…is.

Very much like our…..non-relationship.

The break….it was my decision. No hesitation, no doubt, just pure emotion locked with impulse. I won't say there isn't regret because I always regret every minute I don't spend with Duo- this separation most of all.

I regret it- God do I ever regret my choice, but I cannot undo it.

I won't.

Absolute peace will come soon and then we can be together. Everything we've ever wanted, ever wished for and dreamed about, will be ours this time without having to worry about taking up arms again.

Duo would never let this keep us apart.

I will never let this keep us apart.

We'll be together soon.

We will.

We have to.