Harry Potter - Series Fan Fiction ❯ Coven of the Rose ❯ Chapter 10 ( Chapter 10 )
[ A - All Readers ]
By: CRose 
Non Anime: Harry Potter - Series Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Adventure / Comedy | Type: Divergence | Uploaded On: 11.24.2006 | Pages: 6 | Words: 6.8K | Visits: 1.9K | Status: Completed
Non Anime: Harry Potter - Series Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Adventure / Comedy | Type: Divergence | Uploaded On: 11.24.2006 | Pages: 6 | Words: 6.8K | Visits: 1.9K | Status: Completed
DO NOT IN ANY WAY TAKE THIS STORY SERIOUSLY, IT'LL GIVE YOU A HEADACHE AND CAUSE SQUIRRELS TO SPONTIANIOUSLY CUMBUST. THE SQUIRRLES ARE REBELLING…RUN RUN FOR YOUR LIVES…
AGHAAAAAAAAA! IT’S SQUIRREL GIRL AND THE SQUIRREL SWARM OF DOOM!
This is my version of a Harry Potter revenge fic, but after a couple of years in Azkaban he's not quite sane anymore. He has some sanity left, but it doesn't really affect him anymore.
oooooooooo
Coven of the Rose
Chapter 10
By CRose
© 2006
oooooooooo
Living life on the run, when being chased by incompetent Aurors, was a rather hit or miss strategy as far as Harry was concerned. He had to admit that when he came to America to buy some potions ingredients at a third of the price they were in England, he hadn't really thought about his status as a fugitive from the law. So when he was a bit confused when he stepped out of his portal, a new truck he picked up lately, seeing people pointing at him in shock didn't really register.
For the most part he had kept his attacks strictly to England and it's retarded magic areas. He wasn't about to mention what the Elves were doing to the muggle world, they had free reign after all. No one would miss all those cars that ended up on top of sky scrapers covered in pink latex painted graffiti. Pulling his hood over his head a little more, Harry waved his hand at the portal and let it close. His five body guard elves were around somewhere, they just liked to keep invisible unless they were needed.
He looked around and noticed that he was on the boardwalk next to a rather crowded beach full of overweight muggles. This was not a sight he wanted etched into his brain at this moment. It didn't help that he was still hearing those weird noises coming out of Hermione's room as he left. She hadn't talked to him in two days now and he was feeling a little lonely.
"Excuse me." A man stated as he stepped in front of Harry.
Harry eyed the man like a science project gone horribly wrong. "That has got to be the ugliest shirt I've ever seen."
"Hey, this is one hundred percent Hawaiian perfection kid." The man growled. "I'm with the local magical enforcement division."
This just made Harry nod.
"You are Harry Potter, murderer and thief?"
"Nope." Harry said.
The man relaxed. "Oh thank god."
"I'm Harry Potter, the boy tossed into jail on false evidence and hearsay to further the political career of the Giant Fudge Butt Popsicle." Harry said mildly. “That and to set up The Dark Faerie.”
"Um…"
Harry smiled, patted the man on the head and wandered down the street. It took the man several seconds to figure out that he'd been transfigured into a Chihuahua with a collar that read Killer in fake diamonds. He barked in anger, chased after Harry, and ended up running out of rope as the leash tied to his collar went tight. The Chihuahua yelped as it lost all footing and careened nearly four feet into the air, its little legs still running, and landed with a thump and a yip.
A few minutes later Harry was looking at a rather odd sight. He was peering into a window at the picture of a rather cute girl wearing a very revealing bikini. Now there wasn't anything odd about this, what he found odd was that she was wearing the bikini and a rather over sized pointy wizards hat.
Now what the hell did that have to do with something called Maxi-Plus? For that matter, what the hell was Maxi-Plus and why was the ad so vague. It must have been some kind of sex device if he was to judge by the giant grin on her face.
Shrugging, he wandered on by and noticed several signs set up that only a wizard or witch could read. They pointed to the more exclusive beaches nearby that weren't overcrowded with fat people wearing much to small swimwear as they lay on the sand like beached whales. He blinked, Dudley and Vernon would be at home here. He could almost imagine people tossing water on the people and trying to get them to swim back out to sea.
At the moment, half a world away, Dolphin Dudley squeeed and thrashed as he once again cursed his cousins existence. Every time one of the freaks tried to help change him back he would change into something large, aquatic, and weird. Now why was he suddenly craving seal? Polar Bear Dudley wondered.
That settled that, he would never mention this place to them. He came to a stop in front of a small door nearly hidden behind a couple of palm trees. He headed inside and after several seconds screaming issued from the store. The windows rattled as flashed of light filled the store. Ten minutes after that he stepped outside again and tucked a small package away inside the sleeve of his robe.
As he finished putting the package away, he ignored the whimpering and sobbing issuing from the store, as a pair of rather good looking blonde haired girls sauntered up to him. Their matching white bikinis were magnificent. His eyes jiggled in time with their…assets.
"Uh…" He drooled.
"You must not be from around here." Girl one asked.
"Nope, just stopped by to buy some potions ingredients I couldn't find back home."
"Here at the beach you aren't supposed to wear the usual robe of a wizard. Just plain clothes so you blend in better." Girl two said, eyeing him like a piece of cake. She licked her lips.
Harry fidgeted a little. "Sorry, no one said a thing and I do have a couple of spells going to keep anyone from really remembering what I'm wearing.
"You'd better change out of that stuffy thing as soon as you can." Girl one said and nodded for good measure, then leaned over to give him a view down her front. “Perhaps I can ‘help’ you change?”
He started to feel a little braver as he got used to the girls standing so close that he could see the bits hidden by their white bikinis. Shaking his head, he gave them a nod. "I'll remember that when I come back later."
The girls nodded and ran off without saying another word. Harry, as a hormonal teenager, had to stand there and watch them as bits of them bounced enticingly. He then had a five minute daydream, shook himself, and pulled his staff. Twirling it in a circular motion he cut a hole through space to open the portal back home. He might come back if all the girls looked like those two. So round, so firm, so…so bouncy.
He giggled as he went through the portal. He didn't notice the small Chihuahua as it jumped through the portal just on his heels. It promptly skidded across the smooth floor and slammed into the wall, fell over, and lay there for several seconds. The dog jumped to its feet and sauntered, as manly as possible, to the door after Harry left the room.
It instantly came to a stop and looked up at the half dozen green robed house elves that suddenly blocked its path. "Um, yip?"
"Master was followed home."
"He doesn't like being called Master." Another one stated.
"What he doesn't know won't hurt him."
The others nodded.
"What do we do with the dog?" Another arrival asked.
"Food and shelter?"
"Toss him out, dogs just make messes."
"Remove all his hair?"
"How about spaying? Those other dogs took to it like they did food."
The elves giggled.
"Ask Scar."
They all nodded. "Scar is head of Household."
"We is free though."
"Only Dobby say that."
"That true, he crazy."
They all nodded again.
The dog, Killer in fake diamonds, used the time to slowly turn around and run down the hall.
"It's running."
"It understand us?"
"I think so."
"He enemy then?"
"Make sense, bad wizard maybe?"
"A little doggy?"
"Make great spy."
"Shouldn't we be following?"
One shook his head and turned around to face behind them. "Hallway is circle, he be coming around bend any second now."
They all turned just as the dog did indeed come around the bend and tumble to halt. "&%$#." It whimpered.
An elf thumped it over the head with a Daily Prophet. "Bad Doggy."
‘Killer’ knew things were going to be bad when their eyes started to twinkle. They all reached into a pouch he hadn’t noticed and pulled out little colored balls. That was when he remembered that Harry Potter had another name. Prank Lord Potter and his Elvin Army of Pranksters.
‘I’m so %$#@&ed’ He thought.
oooooooooo
“How you doing Hermione?” Harry asked as he walked into the dining room where his friend was reading through a few books. Her hair was a bigger mess than usual and he could have sworn he was wearing the same clothes she was wearing yesterday.
The girl started. “Um, I’m fine.” She nodded.
He noticed she was reading one of the dark arts books. “Find anything interesting?”
She looked at him for several seconds without saying anything. “Yes.” Before going back to reading her book.
Rolling his eyes, he summoned one of the books next to her. “Dark Witches Guide to Love.”
Hermione twitched, but didn’t say anything as he opened it and read a few random pages. Blushing, he sat it down and nudged it until it was out of his reach. “Are you sure this is the kind of stuff you want to learn? It seems a little…tacky.”
His best friend giggled. “It’s very interesting.”
Harry shrugged. “Well, so long as you are having fun I suppose it’s alright. I had the elves dispose of the ‘eat your soul’ type books.”
She shivered as she read something and started fanning herself with her hand. “Oh my…”
“Well I’ll let you get back to reading.”
“Talk to the hand, I’m busy.” Hermione said and held her palm towards him.
“Right, right.”
“The HAND!”
“I don’t know where it’s been lately so I’m not getting anywhere near it.” Harry said as he backed out of the room. Hermione didn’t seem to hear him as she started ginning weirdly and wiggling around in her chair. He didn’t comment as her hand vanished beneath the table.
Once out of the room Harry called for Dobby. “Dobby?”
Pop!
“Harry Potter, sir!” The green robbed elf appeared. A bit of smoke was issuing from his side pouch and falling to the floor. Harry ignored how it was discoloring the wood floors.
“What exactly is Hermione doing?”
“I is not sure, sir. Hermy has been reading those odd books for a couple of days now.”
“It’s not something dirty is it?”
“Ohs no, we is cleaning her clothes excellently.” Dobby explained with a firm nod.
“She just seems preoccupied.”
“The elves is aware that she has been practicing some of the spells.” Dobby explained some more. “They don’t be doing anything bad.”
Harry frowned as he rubbed his chin. “I may have to take a closer look at those books. What I read was earlier was a bit…” He blushed again.
Dobby nodded in complete confusion.
“How are you getting along?”
Dobby bounced around a little. “Dobby has never been so happy!” He screamed and reached out to hug Harry’s leg.
Harry winced. “That’s good to hear, and the echoes, too. You head on back to what you were doing. Thanks Dobby.”
The elf nodded and vanished with a pop. From there Harry headed for the potions lab and dropped off his new ingredients. He’d only spent about two hundred galleons, where it would have cost him over a thousand in Knockturn alley. Not that he minded, it was Voldemort’s money after all.
He suddenly thought about those two girls and started having a replay of his earlier day dream.
oooooooooo
Dumbledore and Moody tromped into the Headmaster's office. Neither one of them looked very pleased or even happy as they sat down. They only had one thing on their minds at the moment and that was Harry Potter. Albus was starting to wonder if there was more to the situation than he was aware of. He had always been sure that Harry could take down Voldemort, but that it would have to be a surprise attack on Harry's part.
The Dark Lord had over fifty years of experience and defeated dozens of hit wizards during the course of his rampage. It did appear that Harry was moving in for a sixth and possible final defeat of Voldemort, but Dumbledore couldn't predict the boy anymore. He had no idea where Harry would crop up from day to day.
He was also using spells and curses that hadn't been used in centuries, perhaps even longer. Dumbledore sighed, and Moody nearly jumped out of his chair. "Don't do that!"
"Sorry Alastor, I'm just vext at our efforts to contain Harry."
The old man growled, nearly a snarl, and sat back down. "The boy needs a good spanking. A person can't walk down the street these days without spotting one of those damned elves of his. The dratted things are everywhere."
"It's a quite ingenious use of house elves. I'm surprised they even follow his orders though."
Moody snarled again. Just mention Harry's name around him and he would start to lose his temper. Snape and Moody were actually seeing eye to eye the subject of Harry Potter these days. The potions Master was still finding school girl dresses in his closets every couple of days. Different ones too, from the various schools and even some right of various hentai anime. He had yet to figure out what a Bible Black was or it’s significance.
The school house elves kept finding the offerings burned in his fire place. Everyone in the school knew that Harry had planted thousands of joke attacks throughout the building by using his own House elves as well. Dumbledore had asked the school elves to alert him when the other group of elves showed up, but this had only worked once.
After finding the kitchen filled to the rafters with whipped cream and five hundred house elves blitzed out on Butterbeer and singing some rather inappropriate songs led by Winky, Albus had decided that having five hundred drunk and possibly rabid house elves on his hands was not a good idea. He was relived when the next morning they only had hangovers. And white skin that seemed to reflect light whenever light hit them at the right angle.
"His jokes have calmed down a little."
Alastor nodded. "It doesn't matter. They'll pick up again. After dealing with practical jokers for twenty years you should know that by now."
Albus nodded and looked his full one hundred and sixty some years, give or take half a decade. "Indeed, I think he's regrouping for something big."
..Padda padda padda padpadpad padda…
"He's pranking the world Albus, there isn't much you can do after that, he wants revenge for his ruined life."
"There are a few people he hasn't hit just yet."
"AGHAAAAAA!"
Moody snorted and only twitched when the s reamed echoed for only a few seconds. "The only one left is You-Know-Who."
"Someone find a teacher! They're coming out of the Ravenclaw dorm!"
"Tom may be the last item on Harry's revenge list."
..Padda padda padda padpadpad padda…
Alastor snorted again. "He seems to have better targets these days."
"True, would you like some tea?"
"Naw, gives me gas."
"GWRAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Echoes throughout the castle, followed by screaming hordes of students. "Snarl!"
"Are you going to go and see what that is?" Alastor grumbled, his hand inching his wand from his hip holster.
"The teachers can handle it." Albus said as some tea appeared on his desk. "I need to settle my nerves anyway."
They sat there for five minutes as a wave of 'Ravenclaw' lemmings raced by the entrance to the office. They were thankful that none of them tried to get past the gargoyle and clime the stairs. This was followed by about a hundred students wearing various bits of muggle clothing. Albus pretended not to notice the jock straps, spurs, and buttless leather pants. Or the fact that they were all colored red and green.
A very harried Professor McGonagall suddenly raced into the office and started gasping for air. It took her a couple of minutes just to catch her breath. Her robes were different than normal as well. Instead of the usual dark grey robe that didn’t stand out at all, the thing had shrank to accentuate her body, namely her shins and shoulders. Actually she looked like an ugly malformed radish. Even her hat was a pointy green with leaves sticking out of it.
"Albus, it's complete chaos out there!"
"Hm…" He acknowledged, calmly drinking his tea.
"We need help."
"I'm sure you can handle it."
They didn’t pay any attention to Madam Hooch as she raced by the window with about a dozen buzzards chasing her around the school grounds. McGonagall could only watch in horror as the poor woman was forced to ditch her broom in the lake to get away from the things. She twitched as Albus suddenly started sipping, loudly, at his tea.
“You aren’t going to do anything?!” She screeched?
“Just a little set back.”
Moody nodded, his fake eye spinning around violently.
Suddenly a harried looking prefect wearing a rather bright golf clothes came into the office. “Professor McGonagall! The Gryffindor Lemmings have declared war on the Slytherin parakeets! Their ripping each other to shreds down in the dungeon. The Ravenclaw Lemmings are threatening to throw themselves off the Astronomy tower!”
“And the Hufflepuffs?” She asked calmly.
“They’ve all be turned into badgers and have dug themselves burrows out in the quiddich stands.”
The old matron turned on the Headmaster. “Albus do something about this.”
He held up a tray? “Lemon Drop?”
Huffing, she turned on her heal and stalked out of the room. Her robe suddenly morphed again and turned bright red. She resisted the urge to scream. “Albus, you will apologize to the boy or we will have words.” She hissed.
“Why whatever are you talking about?” He asked.
Growling, McGonagall grabbed the golf clad Prefect and dragged him out of the room. She didn’t break stride as the whole school started to vibrate and every stone in the school suddenly turned into a Lego building block. She couldn’t help wondering why she had agreed with Albus’ plan to send Potter to Azkaban. She must have been drunk that day if she hadn’t seen this coming.
Suddenly she came to a stop as she found her Gryffindors running around not as Lemmings, but in lizard costumes and yelling at each other like five year olds. Two hours later she emerged from the dungeons covered in food, her hair unceremoniously unraveled, and completely exhausted. The students were back in their appropriate houses, the transformations reversed, and everything was normal in the world.
She ignored the giant penguins ice skating on the school lake. The house elves glued to the ceiling. And the castles rats performing the Macarena in the great hall while wearing appropriate costumes. Not to mention Prank Lord Potter’s laughing symbol hovering in the sky within the illusion that covered the ceiling of the great hall. Pink clouds and all.
Instead she headed for her rooms and sat down at her desk and chugged half a bottle of fire whisky. It would take half the night to get things back to normal and even then they wouldn’t be able to fix everything. Even now she was only beginning to understand the kind of revenge Potter had in mind.
The suffering had only started. He was the son of a Marauder, the godson of a marauder, and the adopted cub of a third Marauder. Potter was going to make their lives a living hell. Where was that insane laughter coming from? It must be her imagination.
She was found six hours later passed out on her bad and two empty bottles of firewhisky on the stand.
Her morning classes had to be canceled. It would be at least another twelve hours before anyone noticed that all the water taps in the castle appeared to be shaped like pissing house elves smirking. The Prefect’s baths were never quite the same after that.
The Horror… The Horror…
oooooooooo
Harry and over a dozen elves appeared with a single soft pop over a block from the target. Normally he didn’t mind announcing his presence, but this time the target had to be handled differently. He surveyed the area and was glad that there weren’t any other houses around.
It was just a short walk up to a walled off house and a gate. The home of the one being in existence that made Harry’s blood boil in rage just by thinking her name. Over the last couple of hours the elves had detailed a plan to him that would bring about maximum terror for the old bat.
Dolores Umbridge Ex-High Inquisitor of Hogwarts was about to find out why you don’t get on Harry’s bad side. Reaching into his robe, Harry pulled out a miniaturized crate and tossed it out. It returned to full size in mid air and landed on the ground with a heavy thump. A dog in a nearby property started to bark at the sound.
A couple of the elves quickly took care of the problem. Tying the dog up with it's own tongue and swatting it over the head with a rolled up Daily Profit. With a flick of his wand the lid flipped off the crate and about a hundred small green metallic balls rose out of the crate and hovered in the air. These were his new and improved Stalker units. They had worked perfectly when he used them to capture death eaters, but these new ones were more versatile.
His glasses gleamed as he stared at the house. The elves started giggling quietly as the Stalkers rose into the sky and streaked towards the house to scout around. One by one they started to turn invisible, only making a low level humming metallic sound as they moved through the air.
He’d added the sound effect in for a psychological effect. Professor UmBitch didn’t react well to anything strange even in the best of times so he wanted to be prepared. An elf adjusted his pack of hair curlers and glue guns. The Bitch may have predicted that he might show up at some point, but she was arrogant and thought she was better than him due to her birth.
It was hard to predict how she might react so he wanted to be prepared. Of course she might think he would ignore what she did to him. As if he could forget that she tried to kill him and Dudley the giant Rotund Trout. Harry figured he would have to sneak into St. Mungos and reset that particular spell again. Getting back to the task at hand he had made sure that the elves had his special cameras and spells ready for this mission.
The instant the Stalker Units hit the wards several of them exploded as they were designed to. Within a couple of minutes and twenty explosion the house wards fell like shattering glass. This of course alerted everyone in the house that something was happening, just as he wanted. Giggling, he started stalking towards the house as his elves started tossing things at the walls.
As he drew closer to the gate he noticed that they were covered in strange unknown spells. He figured they were spells developed by people in the Department of Mysteries, so he ignored them. Instead a large section of the wall crumbled and fell over under the elves prank onslaught. Puffs of white stuff filled the air seconds later and bounced around on the ground for several feet.
Kneeling down he picked one up. He was amazed at some of the items the Weasley Twins could come up with when they started experimenting. In his hand was a brick sized marshmallow. As he entered the property kicking marshmallows around, the elves streamed through and raced towards the house. A pack of dogs started running at them from the other end of the property.
Harry shook his head and gave the elves a nod. Two of them raised their hands up and snapped their fingers. The dogs stopped in mid run, hovering in the air, and started to expand. He could only smirk as they soon resembled parade balloons, twenty feet high, and still smelling like unwashed dogs. "That works, let them go."
The balloons shivered for a second before they started floating into the sky. It would be a couple of weeks before Harry heard about the dogs again. It took the muggles over three days contain the balloons. Several got stuck in trees, a couple snagged on buildings, and at least one landed in a nearby lake. The elves just giggled as they finally reached the house.
Harry couldn't react as he felt an anti-apparation ward snap into existence. He took a second to analyze it and sighed in disappointment. There were days he just couldn’t understand how morons were able to achieve the amount of status they possessed. He figured he could apparate right through the flimsy things without even trying.
"Truly pathetic attempt." He muttered. "Alright, let's see what else the hag has set up."
Little round glowing balls of magic arched from the elves hands to the outer walls of the house and popped as they hit. The walls shivered for several seconds as the magic permeated the structure. Harry was a bit surprised that they held at all. He shrugged and waved his wand. Stalker Units appeared around the house and started blowing out the windows and doors with preset Blasting curses. He stood there grinning, as did the elves, as explosion after explosion rocked the house on its foundations.
Finally the front wall of the house collapsed inwards with a loud thump. "Come on out Bitch, I've got a little present for you." Harry sang as he skipped towards the house.
Then, and he was truly surprised, five Dementors floated out of the building. They started racing/flying right towards him without a second of hesitation. He went from playful to instantly pissed in one point three six seconds. Waving at the elves, who didn't know what to do, Harry told them to get on with the job. It only took a second to transform his wand into a staff and level it at the horrible things.
Suddenly several ideas popped into his mind. Giggling loudly, he whispered a ten word incantation and fired a silver beam of magic at the Dementors. They stopped as the beam hit them head on and started pushing against the magic. With a loud screech the first Dementor arched back and suddenly turned into a black furred rabbit. It fell to the ground in shock and wiggled its nose.
The others all started to glow a bright silver and arched back. One by one they also transformed. A donkey joined the rabbit, then a fish, then a cow, and the last one became a mouse. All of them were pure black with red beady eyes. With a wave of his hand the animals were banished from the property. Laying his staff across his shoulder, Harry stalked into the house and looked around.
He was a bit surprised to find two rather toad like children stuck to the wall of the house. His elves had obviously come through here. At first he didn't think about them, but as he was about to leave his brain put the clues together and he paled in shock. Slowly turned towards the children, pointed at them, and screamed.
They looked up at him in shock and fear as he moved by. Their presence only meant one thing to though. Someone had, he shuddered, sex with Toad Woman. Turning an interesting shade of green he ran over to a nearby expensive vase and threw up into it. After dry heaving for several seconds he staggered to his feet and did a full body shudder.
"EEEEEWWWEEE! GET THE IMAGE OUT OF MY BRAIN!" He screamed. "GOD, PLEASE OVLIVATE ME, I BEG OF THEE!" Then spent the next several minutes banging his head against the wall.
The kids watched in shock as the crazy man staggered of the room and headed down the hall. They heard him throw up several more times before the sounds stopped.
"MY EYES, THEY BLEED!"
Shuddering in disgust Harry vowed to find the 'father' of those children and make sure he could never make anymore. Toad Woman must NEVER be allowed to reproduce under any circumstances. He heard some noises coming from the second floor and quickly made his way up some nearby, conveniently placed, stairs.
While the first floor of the house was generally just a mess, the second floor was a disaster area. He glanced around noting the holes in the walls, the collapsed doors, and shattered furniture. He heard some muffled screaming and yelling at the far end of the house. About halfway there he came across the body of a house elf. It wasn't his, thankfully, but it appeared to have had a very bad life if it's scar covered back was in indication.
He tapped end of his staff against it stomach and cast several quick healing spells. Nothing complicated, just some quick and dirty spells that removed a few of the scars and closed wounds. He followed this up with a quick Ennervate.
The elf shuddered and blinked a few times before it stat up. Its eyes tripped in size as it looked up at the green cloaked man stand above him. He nearly fainted at the flaming green eyes staring into his own. The staff came up and pushed the elf back to the floor and held him there. The elf whimpered and expected another beating.
"M-mas-master…"
"I give you an option little one, join my army and you will have the freedom to live as you like and still have a bit of fun. Or stay here and work with Toad Woman. You don't need to make a decision just yet, but you and any other elf are free to join my army at any time. Just talk to Head Elf Dobby or Head Elf Scar."
The elf stared in shock.
"Now you get some rest and think about my offer." Harry moved past the elf and headed back down the hall were he started to hear lots of giggling going on. One of the doors was still in tact enough to be standing, though a portion of the top was missing. Using his staff he pushed the door open and had to smirk as he stepped into the room.
It had to be Toad Woman's bedroom. A bed and several other pieces of furniture were stuck to the ceiling. He could see ropy lines of slime descending to the floor and forming large puddles. Four of his elves had The Bitch trussed up like a naked horse and were riding her around the room. From the looks of things she wasn't in the best of shape.
Luckily there were a couple of 'censored' signs to hid the naughty bits. The woman was running around on all fours screeching like a banshee trying to throw them off. Her eyes were wild and Harry was fairly sure she was foaming at the mouth. Yep, she was pissed off beyond all reason. Ignoring Toad Woman, he looked around and saw that several other elves were poking holes in the walls and transfiguring clothing into riding crops and whips.
"Umbridge, I didn't know you had it in you." Harry said merrily. He had to resist the urge to puke again, he didn't think he had anything left spew out.
The evil bitch tried to surge to her feet in rage, her clawed fingernails heading right for his neck. She didn’t make it to far though. Every elf in the room dog piled her like a group of wrestlers and threw her to floor. Her wail of rage was completely inhuman. Harry slowly made his way across the room and made sure not to touch any of the slime dripping from the ceiling.
He ignored the fact that Toad Woman had her head pressed into one of the puddles. His elves started giggling. Tilting his head to the side he grinned insanely. His fire green eyes seemed to widen as he brought his staff around and touched it to her forehead. She struggled against the elves but they were much stronger than she was.
The head of his staff flared and he shouted out a one word incantation. Her whole body started to glow as she stared at him shock. Raising his staff high he sent off a firework that blew through the roof of the house and his symbol flared appeared for all to see.
The Giant Laughing letter 'P'.
One by one the elves popped away until only Harry was left to watch the slow transformation that Toad Woman was going through. Giggling he popped away with a deafening explosion of noise and reappeared inside the outer wall to the property. He raised his staff and admired his symbol above the house for a few seconds, then lowered his staff so that it pointed at the house.
A hundred elves appeared around him and knelt in the grass with a large cage. They threw open the cages and over a thousand squirrels raced out and headed right for the house. They grew to the size of large house cats by the time they started swarming through the house. With a wave of the his staff he turned the lawn into a giant projection of Umbridge being ridden like a horse by his elves and set it on a repeating loop.
He vanished just as Aurors started to arrive. As usuall they showed up about twenty minutes after everything started. Harry just shook his head as one of them saw him just before he left. His elves gave each auror the finger and vanished as well. They all turned to look at the house and shivered in fear. Some of them would rather clean up after Voldemort than deal with a Prank Lord Potter attack.
Harry's attacks always left little pranks behind to trip up the Aurors.
He reappeared at the house and smiled as he saw that the second part of his attack had gone quite well. Sitting in the living room were fifteen large filing cabinets full of Ministry secrets.
oooooooooo
"Albus?"
Dumbledore was slightly drunk. He glanced up from his desk and grunted. "What is it Aberforth?'
"Could you send a half dozen or so students down to the Hogs Head?"
"Sure, but why?"
"Well it seems that sometime during the night someone broke in and filled the place, floor to ceiling, with plushies." He tossed one through the fire.
Dumbledore caught and found him self looking at a tiny little stuffed doll of Alastor Moody. The doll sneered at him. "CONSTANT VILLAGENCE!"
Fawks screeched in shock from his perch.
"Yeah, they do that too." Aberforth admitted.
"Just how many are we talking about here?"
"Oh, close to a fifty thousand or so. The bar is so full that the only thing holding them in was the doors and windows. If those go they'll be all over the place."
Albus sighed. "Harry."
Aberforth just shrugged. "Probably."
"I'll send some elves."
"Send some crates, I think I can sell these things." Aberforth said suddenly.
"What makes you say that?"
"I just made ten sickles selling a Dark Lord Plushy." He said excitedly.
Albus started to bang his head against his desk.
"CONSTANT VILLAGENCE!" Plushy Mad Eye screamed and waved his wand up and down.
oooooooooo
To be Continued…
Notes: This is unedited, but I've got most of the words spelled right. Yeah, that's it. Spell checker, it fixes words but has no concept of grammar. You'll also noticed that it's been sometime since I updated this. I've been rather unmotivated lately as I struggle to write more for Princess of the Moon. I'm at 30kb of so far, but it's coming along. I hope to get it up to 70-100kb before I post it just to give people some substance since I haven't updated the story in over a year.
Feh
That scene with Harry finding the kids glued to the wall had me rolling on the floor laughing so hard I could barely write. Just thinking about it has me rolling again. Heheh.
AGHAAAAAAAAA! IT’S SQUIRREL GIRL AND THE SQUIRREL SWARM OF DOOM!
This is my version of a Harry Potter revenge fic, but after a couple of years in Azkaban he's not quite sane anymore. He has some sanity left, but it doesn't really affect him anymore.
oooooooooo
Coven of the Rose
Chapter 10
By CRose
© 2006
oooooooooo
Living life on the run, when being chased by incompetent Aurors, was a rather hit or miss strategy as far as Harry was concerned. He had to admit that when he came to America to buy some potions ingredients at a third of the price they were in England, he hadn't really thought about his status as a fugitive from the law. So when he was a bit confused when he stepped out of his portal, a new truck he picked up lately, seeing people pointing at him in shock didn't really register.
For the most part he had kept his attacks strictly to England and it's retarded magic areas. He wasn't about to mention what the Elves were doing to the muggle world, they had free reign after all. No one would miss all those cars that ended up on top of sky scrapers covered in pink latex painted graffiti. Pulling his hood over his head a little more, Harry waved his hand at the portal and let it close. His five body guard elves were around somewhere, they just liked to keep invisible unless they were needed.
He looked around and noticed that he was on the boardwalk next to a rather crowded beach full of overweight muggles. This was not a sight he wanted etched into his brain at this moment. It didn't help that he was still hearing those weird noises coming out of Hermione's room as he left. She hadn't talked to him in two days now and he was feeling a little lonely.
"Excuse me." A man stated as he stepped in front of Harry.
Harry eyed the man like a science project gone horribly wrong. "That has got to be the ugliest shirt I've ever seen."
"Hey, this is one hundred percent Hawaiian perfection kid." The man growled. "I'm with the local magical enforcement division."
This just made Harry nod.
"You are Harry Potter, murderer and thief?"
"Nope." Harry said.
The man relaxed. "Oh thank god."
"I'm Harry Potter, the boy tossed into jail on false evidence and hearsay to further the political career of the Giant Fudge Butt Popsicle." Harry said mildly. “That and to set up The Dark Faerie.”
"Um…"
Harry smiled, patted the man on the head and wandered down the street. It took the man several seconds to figure out that he'd been transfigured into a Chihuahua with a collar that read Killer in fake diamonds. He barked in anger, chased after Harry, and ended up running out of rope as the leash tied to his collar went tight. The Chihuahua yelped as it lost all footing and careened nearly four feet into the air, its little legs still running, and landed with a thump and a yip.
A few minutes later Harry was looking at a rather odd sight. He was peering into a window at the picture of a rather cute girl wearing a very revealing bikini. Now there wasn't anything odd about this, what he found odd was that she was wearing the bikini and a rather over sized pointy wizards hat.
Now what the hell did that have to do with something called Maxi-Plus? For that matter, what the hell was Maxi-Plus and why was the ad so vague. It must have been some kind of sex device if he was to judge by the giant grin on her face.
Shrugging, he wandered on by and noticed several signs set up that only a wizard or witch could read. They pointed to the more exclusive beaches nearby that weren't overcrowded with fat people wearing much to small swimwear as they lay on the sand like beached whales. He blinked, Dudley and Vernon would be at home here. He could almost imagine people tossing water on the people and trying to get them to swim back out to sea.
At the moment, half a world away, Dolphin Dudley squeeed and thrashed as he once again cursed his cousins existence. Every time one of the freaks tried to help change him back he would change into something large, aquatic, and weird. Now why was he suddenly craving seal? Polar Bear Dudley wondered.
That settled that, he would never mention this place to them. He came to a stop in front of a small door nearly hidden behind a couple of palm trees. He headed inside and after several seconds screaming issued from the store. The windows rattled as flashed of light filled the store. Ten minutes after that he stepped outside again and tucked a small package away inside the sleeve of his robe.
As he finished putting the package away, he ignored the whimpering and sobbing issuing from the store, as a pair of rather good looking blonde haired girls sauntered up to him. Their matching white bikinis were magnificent. His eyes jiggled in time with their…assets.
"Uh…" He drooled.
"You must not be from around here." Girl one asked.
"Nope, just stopped by to buy some potions ingredients I couldn't find back home."
"Here at the beach you aren't supposed to wear the usual robe of a wizard. Just plain clothes so you blend in better." Girl two said, eyeing him like a piece of cake. She licked her lips.
Harry fidgeted a little. "Sorry, no one said a thing and I do have a couple of spells going to keep anyone from really remembering what I'm wearing.
"You'd better change out of that stuffy thing as soon as you can." Girl one said and nodded for good measure, then leaned over to give him a view down her front. “Perhaps I can ‘help’ you change?”
He started to feel a little braver as he got used to the girls standing so close that he could see the bits hidden by their white bikinis. Shaking his head, he gave them a nod. "I'll remember that when I come back later."
The girls nodded and ran off without saying another word. Harry, as a hormonal teenager, had to stand there and watch them as bits of them bounced enticingly. He then had a five minute daydream, shook himself, and pulled his staff. Twirling it in a circular motion he cut a hole through space to open the portal back home. He might come back if all the girls looked like those two. So round, so firm, so…so bouncy.
He giggled as he went through the portal. He didn't notice the small Chihuahua as it jumped through the portal just on his heels. It promptly skidded across the smooth floor and slammed into the wall, fell over, and lay there for several seconds. The dog jumped to its feet and sauntered, as manly as possible, to the door after Harry left the room.
It instantly came to a stop and looked up at the half dozen green robed house elves that suddenly blocked its path. "Um, yip?"
"Master was followed home."
"He doesn't like being called Master." Another one stated.
"What he doesn't know won't hurt him."
The others nodded.
"What do we do with the dog?" Another arrival asked.
"Food and shelter?"
"Toss him out, dogs just make messes."
"Remove all his hair?"
"How about spaying? Those other dogs took to it like they did food."
The elves giggled.
"Ask Scar."
They all nodded. "Scar is head of Household."
"We is free though."
"Only Dobby say that."
"That true, he crazy."
They all nodded again.
The dog, Killer in fake diamonds, used the time to slowly turn around and run down the hall.
"It's running."
"It understand us?"
"I think so."
"He enemy then?"
"Make sense, bad wizard maybe?"
"A little doggy?"
"Make great spy."
"Shouldn't we be following?"
One shook his head and turned around to face behind them. "Hallway is circle, he be coming around bend any second now."
They all turned just as the dog did indeed come around the bend and tumble to halt. "&%$#." It whimpered.
An elf thumped it over the head with a Daily Prophet. "Bad Doggy."
‘Killer’ knew things were going to be bad when their eyes started to twinkle. They all reached into a pouch he hadn’t noticed and pulled out little colored balls. That was when he remembered that Harry Potter had another name. Prank Lord Potter and his Elvin Army of Pranksters.
‘I’m so %$#@&ed’ He thought.
oooooooooo
“How you doing Hermione?” Harry asked as he walked into the dining room where his friend was reading through a few books. Her hair was a bigger mess than usual and he could have sworn he was wearing the same clothes she was wearing yesterday.
The girl started. “Um, I’m fine.” She nodded.
He noticed she was reading one of the dark arts books. “Find anything interesting?”
She looked at him for several seconds without saying anything. “Yes.” Before going back to reading her book.
Rolling his eyes, he summoned one of the books next to her. “Dark Witches Guide to Love.”
Hermione twitched, but didn’t say anything as he opened it and read a few random pages. Blushing, he sat it down and nudged it until it was out of his reach. “Are you sure this is the kind of stuff you want to learn? It seems a little…tacky.”
His best friend giggled. “It’s very interesting.”
Harry shrugged. “Well, so long as you are having fun I suppose it’s alright. I had the elves dispose of the ‘eat your soul’ type books.”
She shivered as she read something and started fanning herself with her hand. “Oh my…”
“Well I’ll let you get back to reading.”
“Talk to the hand, I’m busy.” Hermione said and held her palm towards him.
“Right, right.”
“The HAND!”
“I don’t know where it’s been lately so I’m not getting anywhere near it.” Harry said as he backed out of the room. Hermione didn’t seem to hear him as she started ginning weirdly and wiggling around in her chair. He didn’t comment as her hand vanished beneath the table.
Once out of the room Harry called for Dobby. “Dobby?”
Pop!
“Harry Potter, sir!” The green robbed elf appeared. A bit of smoke was issuing from his side pouch and falling to the floor. Harry ignored how it was discoloring the wood floors.
“What exactly is Hermione doing?”
“I is not sure, sir. Hermy has been reading those odd books for a couple of days now.”
“It’s not something dirty is it?”
“Ohs no, we is cleaning her clothes excellently.” Dobby explained with a firm nod.
“She just seems preoccupied.”
“The elves is aware that she has been practicing some of the spells.” Dobby explained some more. “They don’t be doing anything bad.”
Harry frowned as he rubbed his chin. “I may have to take a closer look at those books. What I read was earlier was a bit…” He blushed again.
Dobby nodded in complete confusion.
“How are you getting along?”
Dobby bounced around a little. “Dobby has never been so happy!” He screamed and reached out to hug Harry’s leg.
Harry winced. “That’s good to hear, and the echoes, too. You head on back to what you were doing. Thanks Dobby.”
The elf nodded and vanished with a pop. From there Harry headed for the potions lab and dropped off his new ingredients. He’d only spent about two hundred galleons, where it would have cost him over a thousand in Knockturn alley. Not that he minded, it was Voldemort’s money after all.
He suddenly thought about those two girls and started having a replay of his earlier day dream.
oooooooooo
Dumbledore and Moody tromped into the Headmaster's office. Neither one of them looked very pleased or even happy as they sat down. They only had one thing on their minds at the moment and that was Harry Potter. Albus was starting to wonder if there was more to the situation than he was aware of. He had always been sure that Harry could take down Voldemort, but that it would have to be a surprise attack on Harry's part.
The Dark Lord had over fifty years of experience and defeated dozens of hit wizards during the course of his rampage. It did appear that Harry was moving in for a sixth and possible final defeat of Voldemort, but Dumbledore couldn't predict the boy anymore. He had no idea where Harry would crop up from day to day.
He was also using spells and curses that hadn't been used in centuries, perhaps even longer. Dumbledore sighed, and Moody nearly jumped out of his chair. "Don't do that!"
"Sorry Alastor, I'm just vext at our efforts to contain Harry."
The old man growled, nearly a snarl, and sat back down. "The boy needs a good spanking. A person can't walk down the street these days without spotting one of those damned elves of his. The dratted things are everywhere."
"It's a quite ingenious use of house elves. I'm surprised they even follow his orders though."
Moody snarled again. Just mention Harry's name around him and he would start to lose his temper. Snape and Moody were actually seeing eye to eye the subject of Harry Potter these days. The potions Master was still finding school girl dresses in his closets every couple of days. Different ones too, from the various schools and even some right of various hentai anime. He had yet to figure out what a Bible Black was or it’s significance.
The school house elves kept finding the offerings burned in his fire place. Everyone in the school knew that Harry had planted thousands of joke attacks throughout the building by using his own House elves as well. Dumbledore had asked the school elves to alert him when the other group of elves showed up, but this had only worked once.
After finding the kitchen filled to the rafters with whipped cream and five hundred house elves blitzed out on Butterbeer and singing some rather inappropriate songs led by Winky, Albus had decided that having five hundred drunk and possibly rabid house elves on his hands was not a good idea. He was relived when the next morning they only had hangovers. And white skin that seemed to reflect light whenever light hit them at the right angle.
"His jokes have calmed down a little."
Alastor nodded. "It doesn't matter. They'll pick up again. After dealing with practical jokers for twenty years you should know that by now."
Albus nodded and looked his full one hundred and sixty some years, give or take half a decade. "Indeed, I think he's regrouping for something big."
..Padda padda padda padpadpad padda…
"He's pranking the world Albus, there isn't much you can do after that, he wants revenge for his ruined life."
"There are a few people he hasn't hit just yet."
"AGHAAAAAA!"
Moody snorted and only twitched when the s reamed echoed for only a few seconds. "The only one left is You-Know-Who."
"Someone find a teacher! They're coming out of the Ravenclaw dorm!"
"Tom may be the last item on Harry's revenge list."
..Padda padda padda padpadpad padda…
Alastor snorted again. "He seems to have better targets these days."
"True, would you like some tea?"
"Naw, gives me gas."
"GWRAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Echoes throughout the castle, followed by screaming hordes of students. "Snarl!"
"Are you going to go and see what that is?" Alastor grumbled, his hand inching his wand from his hip holster.
"The teachers can handle it." Albus said as some tea appeared on his desk. "I need to settle my nerves anyway."
They sat there for five minutes as a wave of 'Ravenclaw' lemmings raced by the entrance to the office. They were thankful that none of them tried to get past the gargoyle and clime the stairs. This was followed by about a hundred students wearing various bits of muggle clothing. Albus pretended not to notice the jock straps, spurs, and buttless leather pants. Or the fact that they were all colored red and green.
A very harried Professor McGonagall suddenly raced into the office and started gasping for air. It took her a couple of minutes just to catch her breath. Her robes were different than normal as well. Instead of the usual dark grey robe that didn’t stand out at all, the thing had shrank to accentuate her body, namely her shins and shoulders. Actually she looked like an ugly malformed radish. Even her hat was a pointy green with leaves sticking out of it.
"Albus, it's complete chaos out there!"
"Hm…" He acknowledged, calmly drinking his tea.
"We need help."
"I'm sure you can handle it."
They didn’t pay any attention to Madam Hooch as she raced by the window with about a dozen buzzards chasing her around the school grounds. McGonagall could only watch in horror as the poor woman was forced to ditch her broom in the lake to get away from the things. She twitched as Albus suddenly started sipping, loudly, at his tea.
“You aren’t going to do anything?!” She screeched?
“Just a little set back.”
Moody nodded, his fake eye spinning around violently.
Suddenly a harried looking prefect wearing a rather bright golf clothes came into the office. “Professor McGonagall! The Gryffindor Lemmings have declared war on the Slytherin parakeets! Their ripping each other to shreds down in the dungeon. The Ravenclaw Lemmings are threatening to throw themselves off the Astronomy tower!”
“And the Hufflepuffs?” She asked calmly.
“They’ve all be turned into badgers and have dug themselves burrows out in the quiddich stands.”
The old matron turned on the Headmaster. “Albus do something about this.”
He held up a tray? “Lemon Drop?”
Huffing, she turned on her heal and stalked out of the room. Her robe suddenly morphed again and turned bright red. She resisted the urge to scream. “Albus, you will apologize to the boy or we will have words.” She hissed.
“Why whatever are you talking about?” He asked.
Growling, McGonagall grabbed the golf clad Prefect and dragged him out of the room. She didn’t break stride as the whole school started to vibrate and every stone in the school suddenly turned into a Lego building block. She couldn’t help wondering why she had agreed with Albus’ plan to send Potter to Azkaban. She must have been drunk that day if she hadn’t seen this coming.
Suddenly she came to a stop as she found her Gryffindors running around not as Lemmings, but in lizard costumes and yelling at each other like five year olds. Two hours later she emerged from the dungeons covered in food, her hair unceremoniously unraveled, and completely exhausted. The students were back in their appropriate houses, the transformations reversed, and everything was normal in the world.
She ignored the giant penguins ice skating on the school lake. The house elves glued to the ceiling. And the castles rats performing the Macarena in the great hall while wearing appropriate costumes. Not to mention Prank Lord Potter’s laughing symbol hovering in the sky within the illusion that covered the ceiling of the great hall. Pink clouds and all.
Instead she headed for her rooms and sat down at her desk and chugged half a bottle of fire whisky. It would take half the night to get things back to normal and even then they wouldn’t be able to fix everything. Even now she was only beginning to understand the kind of revenge Potter had in mind.
The suffering had only started. He was the son of a Marauder, the godson of a marauder, and the adopted cub of a third Marauder. Potter was going to make their lives a living hell. Where was that insane laughter coming from? It must be her imagination.
She was found six hours later passed out on her bad and two empty bottles of firewhisky on the stand.
Her morning classes had to be canceled. It would be at least another twelve hours before anyone noticed that all the water taps in the castle appeared to be shaped like pissing house elves smirking. The Prefect’s baths were never quite the same after that.
The Horror… The Horror…
oooooooooo
Harry and over a dozen elves appeared with a single soft pop over a block from the target. Normally he didn’t mind announcing his presence, but this time the target had to be handled differently. He surveyed the area and was glad that there weren’t any other houses around.
It was just a short walk up to a walled off house and a gate. The home of the one being in existence that made Harry’s blood boil in rage just by thinking her name. Over the last couple of hours the elves had detailed a plan to him that would bring about maximum terror for the old bat.
Dolores Umbridge Ex-High Inquisitor of Hogwarts was about to find out why you don’t get on Harry’s bad side. Reaching into his robe, Harry pulled out a miniaturized crate and tossed it out. It returned to full size in mid air and landed on the ground with a heavy thump. A dog in a nearby property started to bark at the sound.
A couple of the elves quickly took care of the problem. Tying the dog up with it's own tongue and swatting it over the head with a rolled up Daily Profit. With a flick of his wand the lid flipped off the crate and about a hundred small green metallic balls rose out of the crate and hovered in the air. These were his new and improved Stalker units. They had worked perfectly when he used them to capture death eaters, but these new ones were more versatile.
His glasses gleamed as he stared at the house. The elves started giggling quietly as the Stalkers rose into the sky and streaked towards the house to scout around. One by one they started to turn invisible, only making a low level humming metallic sound as they moved through the air.
He’d added the sound effect in for a psychological effect. Professor UmBitch didn’t react well to anything strange even in the best of times so he wanted to be prepared. An elf adjusted his pack of hair curlers and glue guns. The Bitch may have predicted that he might show up at some point, but she was arrogant and thought she was better than him due to her birth.
It was hard to predict how she might react so he wanted to be prepared. Of course she might think he would ignore what she did to him. As if he could forget that she tried to kill him and Dudley the giant Rotund Trout. Harry figured he would have to sneak into St. Mungos and reset that particular spell again. Getting back to the task at hand he had made sure that the elves had his special cameras and spells ready for this mission.
The instant the Stalker Units hit the wards several of them exploded as they were designed to. Within a couple of minutes and twenty explosion the house wards fell like shattering glass. This of course alerted everyone in the house that something was happening, just as he wanted. Giggling, he started stalking towards the house as his elves started tossing things at the walls.
As he drew closer to the gate he noticed that they were covered in strange unknown spells. He figured they were spells developed by people in the Department of Mysteries, so he ignored them. Instead a large section of the wall crumbled and fell over under the elves prank onslaught. Puffs of white stuff filled the air seconds later and bounced around on the ground for several feet.
Kneeling down he picked one up. He was amazed at some of the items the Weasley Twins could come up with when they started experimenting. In his hand was a brick sized marshmallow. As he entered the property kicking marshmallows around, the elves streamed through and raced towards the house. A pack of dogs started running at them from the other end of the property.
Harry shook his head and gave the elves a nod. Two of them raised their hands up and snapped their fingers. The dogs stopped in mid run, hovering in the air, and started to expand. He could only smirk as they soon resembled parade balloons, twenty feet high, and still smelling like unwashed dogs. "That works, let them go."
The balloons shivered for a second before they started floating into the sky. It would be a couple of weeks before Harry heard about the dogs again. It took the muggles over three days contain the balloons. Several got stuck in trees, a couple snagged on buildings, and at least one landed in a nearby lake. The elves just giggled as they finally reached the house.
Harry couldn't react as he felt an anti-apparation ward snap into existence. He took a second to analyze it and sighed in disappointment. There were days he just couldn’t understand how morons were able to achieve the amount of status they possessed. He figured he could apparate right through the flimsy things without even trying.
"Truly pathetic attempt." He muttered. "Alright, let's see what else the hag has set up."
Little round glowing balls of magic arched from the elves hands to the outer walls of the house and popped as they hit. The walls shivered for several seconds as the magic permeated the structure. Harry was a bit surprised that they held at all. He shrugged and waved his wand. Stalker Units appeared around the house and started blowing out the windows and doors with preset Blasting curses. He stood there grinning, as did the elves, as explosion after explosion rocked the house on its foundations.
Finally the front wall of the house collapsed inwards with a loud thump. "Come on out Bitch, I've got a little present for you." Harry sang as he skipped towards the house.
Then, and he was truly surprised, five Dementors floated out of the building. They started racing/flying right towards him without a second of hesitation. He went from playful to instantly pissed in one point three six seconds. Waving at the elves, who didn't know what to do, Harry told them to get on with the job. It only took a second to transform his wand into a staff and level it at the horrible things.
Suddenly several ideas popped into his mind. Giggling loudly, he whispered a ten word incantation and fired a silver beam of magic at the Dementors. They stopped as the beam hit them head on and started pushing against the magic. With a loud screech the first Dementor arched back and suddenly turned into a black furred rabbit. It fell to the ground in shock and wiggled its nose.
The others all started to glow a bright silver and arched back. One by one they also transformed. A donkey joined the rabbit, then a fish, then a cow, and the last one became a mouse. All of them were pure black with red beady eyes. With a wave of his hand the animals were banished from the property. Laying his staff across his shoulder, Harry stalked into the house and looked around.
He was a bit surprised to find two rather toad like children stuck to the wall of the house. His elves had obviously come through here. At first he didn't think about them, but as he was about to leave his brain put the clues together and he paled in shock. Slowly turned towards the children, pointed at them, and screamed.
They looked up at him in shock and fear as he moved by. Their presence only meant one thing to though. Someone had, he shuddered, sex with Toad Woman. Turning an interesting shade of green he ran over to a nearby expensive vase and threw up into it. After dry heaving for several seconds he staggered to his feet and did a full body shudder.
"EEEEEWWWEEE! GET THE IMAGE OUT OF MY BRAIN!" He screamed. "GOD, PLEASE OVLIVATE ME, I BEG OF THEE!" Then spent the next several minutes banging his head against the wall.
The kids watched in shock as the crazy man staggered of the room and headed down the hall. They heard him throw up several more times before the sounds stopped.
"MY EYES, THEY BLEED!"
Shuddering in disgust Harry vowed to find the 'father' of those children and make sure he could never make anymore. Toad Woman must NEVER be allowed to reproduce under any circumstances. He heard some noises coming from the second floor and quickly made his way up some nearby, conveniently placed, stairs.
While the first floor of the house was generally just a mess, the second floor was a disaster area. He glanced around noting the holes in the walls, the collapsed doors, and shattered furniture. He heard some muffled screaming and yelling at the far end of the house. About halfway there he came across the body of a house elf. It wasn't his, thankfully, but it appeared to have had a very bad life if it's scar covered back was in indication.
He tapped end of his staff against it stomach and cast several quick healing spells. Nothing complicated, just some quick and dirty spells that removed a few of the scars and closed wounds. He followed this up with a quick Ennervate.
The elf shuddered and blinked a few times before it stat up. Its eyes tripped in size as it looked up at the green cloaked man stand above him. He nearly fainted at the flaming green eyes staring into his own. The staff came up and pushed the elf back to the floor and held him there. The elf whimpered and expected another beating.
"M-mas-master…"
"I give you an option little one, join my army and you will have the freedom to live as you like and still have a bit of fun. Or stay here and work with Toad Woman. You don't need to make a decision just yet, but you and any other elf are free to join my army at any time. Just talk to Head Elf Dobby or Head Elf Scar."
The elf stared in shock.
"Now you get some rest and think about my offer." Harry moved past the elf and headed back down the hall were he started to hear lots of giggling going on. One of the doors was still in tact enough to be standing, though a portion of the top was missing. Using his staff he pushed the door open and had to smirk as he stepped into the room.
It had to be Toad Woman's bedroom. A bed and several other pieces of furniture were stuck to the ceiling. He could see ropy lines of slime descending to the floor and forming large puddles. Four of his elves had The Bitch trussed up like a naked horse and were riding her around the room. From the looks of things she wasn't in the best of shape.
Luckily there were a couple of 'censored' signs to hid the naughty bits. The woman was running around on all fours screeching like a banshee trying to throw them off. Her eyes were wild and Harry was fairly sure she was foaming at the mouth. Yep, she was pissed off beyond all reason. Ignoring Toad Woman, he looked around and saw that several other elves were poking holes in the walls and transfiguring clothing into riding crops and whips.
"Umbridge, I didn't know you had it in you." Harry said merrily. He had to resist the urge to puke again, he didn't think he had anything left spew out.
The evil bitch tried to surge to her feet in rage, her clawed fingernails heading right for his neck. She didn’t make it to far though. Every elf in the room dog piled her like a group of wrestlers and threw her to floor. Her wail of rage was completely inhuman. Harry slowly made his way across the room and made sure not to touch any of the slime dripping from the ceiling.
He ignored the fact that Toad Woman had her head pressed into one of the puddles. His elves started giggling. Tilting his head to the side he grinned insanely. His fire green eyes seemed to widen as he brought his staff around and touched it to her forehead. She struggled against the elves but they were much stronger than she was.
The head of his staff flared and he shouted out a one word incantation. Her whole body started to glow as she stared at him shock. Raising his staff high he sent off a firework that blew through the roof of the house and his symbol flared appeared for all to see.
The Giant Laughing letter 'P'.
One by one the elves popped away until only Harry was left to watch the slow transformation that Toad Woman was going through. Giggling he popped away with a deafening explosion of noise and reappeared inside the outer wall to the property. He raised his staff and admired his symbol above the house for a few seconds, then lowered his staff so that it pointed at the house.
A hundred elves appeared around him and knelt in the grass with a large cage. They threw open the cages and over a thousand squirrels raced out and headed right for the house. They grew to the size of large house cats by the time they started swarming through the house. With a wave of the his staff he turned the lawn into a giant projection of Umbridge being ridden like a horse by his elves and set it on a repeating loop.
He vanished just as Aurors started to arrive. As usuall they showed up about twenty minutes after everything started. Harry just shook his head as one of them saw him just before he left. His elves gave each auror the finger and vanished as well. They all turned to look at the house and shivered in fear. Some of them would rather clean up after Voldemort than deal with a Prank Lord Potter attack.
Harry's attacks always left little pranks behind to trip up the Aurors.
He reappeared at the house and smiled as he saw that the second part of his attack had gone quite well. Sitting in the living room were fifteen large filing cabinets full of Ministry secrets.
oooooooooo
"Albus?"
Dumbledore was slightly drunk. He glanced up from his desk and grunted. "What is it Aberforth?'
"Could you send a half dozen or so students down to the Hogs Head?"
"Sure, but why?"
"Well it seems that sometime during the night someone broke in and filled the place, floor to ceiling, with plushies." He tossed one through the fire.
Dumbledore caught and found him self looking at a tiny little stuffed doll of Alastor Moody. The doll sneered at him. "CONSTANT VILLAGENCE!"
Fawks screeched in shock from his perch.
"Yeah, they do that too." Aberforth admitted.
"Just how many are we talking about here?"
"Oh, close to a fifty thousand or so. The bar is so full that the only thing holding them in was the doors and windows. If those go they'll be all over the place."
Albus sighed. "Harry."
Aberforth just shrugged. "Probably."
"I'll send some elves."
"Send some crates, I think I can sell these things." Aberforth said suddenly.
"What makes you say that?"
"I just made ten sickles selling a Dark Lord Plushy." He said excitedly.
Albus started to bang his head against his desk.
"CONSTANT VILLAGENCE!" Plushy Mad Eye screamed and waved his wand up and down.
oooooooooo
To be Continued…
Notes: This is unedited, but I've got most of the words spelled right. Yeah, that's it. Spell checker, it fixes words but has no concept of grammar. You'll also noticed that it's been sometime since I updated this. I've been rather unmotivated lately as I struggle to write more for Princess of the Moon. I'm at 30kb of so far, but it's coming along. I hope to get it up to 70-100kb before I post it just to give people some substance since I haven't updated the story in over a year.
Feh
That scene with Harry finding the kids glued to the wall had me rolling on the floor laughing so hard I could barely write. Just thinking about it has me rolling again. Heheh.