Harry Potter - Series Fan Fiction ❯ J.K. Rowling's List of Author No Nos ❯ J.K. Rowling's List of Author No Nos ( Chapter 1 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

Every body has yet again made a temporary truce due to the male obsession with lists. Now, even the spirits of James and Lily have more than a cameo as the entire populace of characters ever named gathers in the magically enlarged kitchen at Grimmauld Place. With cameos from people in stories not yet posted, how will the characters react? And why have all the characters gathered? To discuss all the completely stupid things J.K. Rowling did in the books, of course. Sirius began the meeting by calling for food. “Order! ORDER!!! Now, somebody make some food so we can get this started!” A young girl, around sixteen with black hair and blood red highlights yelled, “Yo Pads, get off the table!” When Sirius got off his perch, the girl flicked her wrist and a feast was spread out on the super-extended table. “Ok, for all of you who don’t know me, I’m Svetlanna Snape, and I’m Snape’s kid. Now sit down and eat, or I’ll get him to fail you in Potions class!” All the Hogwarts students, past and present, scrambled into their seats while the people who hadn’t been under Snape’s thumb stayed standing. Sirius called to the other adults, “C’mon guys, just sit! Svet is an awesome cook, and Snape is allergic to her food. Just eat or something so we can do this meeting.” The rest of the adults finally sat and ate when no one keeled over but Snape, whose hair was bright pink and glittery. The meeting began as the food disappeared. Dumbledore stood and announced, “Now, I would like to officially begin the meeting to discuss how deeply wronged we have been by J.K. Rowling by inviting our very own Sirius Black, who has also been wronged by the Ministry of Magic. Sirius, you have the floor.” “Ok, I would like to say that I have put some thought into this, and come up with this list.” Sirius held up a parchment, cleared his throat and began reading, “ Killing Sirius Killing James Killing Lily Killing Remus Waiting so long to kill Peter Not letting the Marauders kill Peter Killing Sirius Matching Harry and Ginny Matching Ron and Hermione Not matching Ginny and Draco Malfoy Not matching Harry and Luna Not matching Ron with Lavender Brown Not matching Hermione with Severus Snape Not matching Sirius and Remus Making Dumbledore date Grindelwald Killing Sirius Killing Sirius Not matching Dumbledore with McGonagal Killing Sirius Killing Sirius Umm, and Killing Sirius. That’s all I’ve got so far. I’m sorry if anyone doesn’t like their matches in there, but those are MY opinions. So if you have issues with that, I’ll make Elektra protect me. I HAVE BLACKMAIL!!!!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!” Harry was slightly, okay scratch that, extremely disturbed by his godfather, and asked Dumbledore quietly, “Who’s Elektra?” Shaking his head, Dumbledore stood up, “Elektra, for all of you who don’t know her, is Severus’ other daughter, and she is rather, inventive with killings. She works for Tom, and she’s around here somewhere I’m sure.” Another black haired girl, but without the red streaks this time, stepped out of mid-air. “I’m right here, Professor. Sorry, Tom, the agreement is fool-proof. Literally.” The girl turned, and walked back into the air. “Okayyyy... Let’s get someone else up to talk!” Ron randomly yelled from the back of the room. Dumbledore stood, “I nominate Harry.” He sat again, and looked at Harry expectantly. “FINE! Ok, I disagree with all the pairings Sirius said except for Ron and Hermione’s, and Dumbledore’s. They disturb me. I never want to see one of Snape’s kids again, and I’m not sure I want to know who their mother is. For me, I’m happy except for all of my family and people I care about dying, but without that, there would be no plot, so... Whatever. I nominate Dumbledore.” Harry sat back down, and Hermione glared daggers at him. Standing up, Dumbledore said, “I would never have interest in Harry, and aside from Rita Skeeter’s existence, and the deaths other than my own, I planned pretty much everything, so I have no other complaints. I nominate Remus.” The werewolf in question stood and cleared his throat, “Before I begin, I would like to say that most of Sirius’ list was plagiarized from mine, so don’t blame me for similarities.