InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Blackout ❯ Promise ( Chapter 7 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: King Baka 
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Hentai / Adventure / Angst | Type: Divergence | Uploaded On: 03.03.2014 | Pages: 2 | Words: 5.5K | Visits: 1.6K | Status: Work In Progress
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Hentai / Adventure / Angst | Type: Divergence | Uploaded On: 03.03.2014 | Pages: 2 | Words: 5.5K | Visits: 1.6K | Status: Work In Progress
Disclaimer: I don’t own Inuyasha or any of the publicly known characters, plot, etc. I’m just renting them from Rumiko Takahashi, Viz, etc. I do own the plot of this story and any original characters I’ve created. I will make no money from this fic; I write for my own enjoyment and the enjoyment of my readers.
Promise
Inuyasha swore colorfully, his claws tearing through bark and wood. He had exhausted his extensive vocabulary of obscenities long ago and was starting to repeat himself. Over a dozen relatively young trees lay freshly mangled, dying in his wake. The larger ones had escaped with deep gouges, though whether they would survive the damage he neither knew nor cared. Finally an exceptionally old, broad trunk loomed up before him. Snarling, he closed his hand into a fist and threw his full weight behind the strike. Again and again he punched the hapless inanimate object, until a dark stain of blood sat in the center of a crater of splintered, pulverized wood. Finally, instincts of self-preservation forced him to stop. Some of his fingers were surely broken, but no lasting damage had been done. The pain felt good. He deserved it.
It did not, however, do anything to alleviate his shame. He was ashamed of Kikyou, of the cruel witch she had become, but mostly he was ashamed of himself. Why had he stood feebly by while Kikyou spouted such hurtful, piercing drivel? Why hadn’t he put a stop to it before his sweet, innocent Kagome had been so brutally wounded? He hadn’t even prevented Kikyou from firing an arrow in her direction; Kagome could have been killed, with her protector standing not two meters from her. When had he ceased to be a man? Where on earth had he left his manhood? He had eventually tried to get a word in, but Kikyou interrupted him. And instead of telling her to shut up for a minute, he had allowed her misinterpretation of his words to go uncorrected. His lack of testicular fortitude was nothing short of disgusting.
And now here he was, taking his self-loathing out on innocent trees when he should be trying to find his fucking balls or bash some sense into his brainless skull. Or better yet, apologizing to Kagome and explaining that what she thought she knew was dead wrong. He shuddered involuntarily, recalling her appearance afterwards. Her body, limp as it lay on her sleeping bag, her breathing slow and deep. Her eyes, normally bright, shining not with anger or even sadness, but reflecting only a terrifying void. They had been empty, of all emotion or care. He had never seen her look so completely crushed, so utterly defeated.
He slammed his fist into the tree again, just to feel that satisfying surge of pain once more. He knew what he had to do now. A sense of desperation took root within, a need to forever banish that terrible emptiness from her expression and return Kagome to being Kagome. He only hoped that it was not already too late. She possessed a remarkable capacity to forgive, but even she would have difficulty healing from this.
He took his time meandering back to camp, desperation temporarily restrained by fear, fear that she would reject him or that he would screw this up. Heartfelt conversation had never been his strong suit. He had done it after that cursed night in the village, but the stakes back then seemed to pale in comparison to what they were now. But as he had told himself that evening, it had to be done. And eventually, he gathered up the willpower to overcome his dread and gingerly creep back into camp.
Evidently, he had been gone longer than he thought. Everyone except Kagome was sleeping, which he decided was a good thing. He guessed that the others had tried to make her feel better, but had eventually given up. Even now, she was simply lying on her back, gazing vacantly up at the canopy. But perhaps what scared him most of all was the disturbing absence of the scent of her tears in the air. Kagome had always cried when she felt sad. What this suggested, instead, was the inability to feel anything at all. His Kagome was fading before his very eyes.
He barely managed to restrain himself from charging over and shaking her fiercely. But the only thing that would accomplish would be to wake up all of their friends. And if he had any chance of fixing this, he needed it to be just the two of them. So he settled for a quick tip-toe across camp, then quietly knelt beside her. She made no move to acknowledge him, even when he whispered her name and waved a hand across her vision. Next he moved to gently shake her shoulder, but gasped as soon as his fingers came into contact with the distressingly cold fabric of her blouse. Alarmed, he grasped her hand and felt that her skin was just as chilled. A sudden gust of wind blew past, causing the fire to hiss and flicker in protest. Fresh goose bumps rose on Kagome’s bare legs, and a shiver passed through her. There was a blanket lying to her side, probably courtesy of Sango or Miroku, but it had become dislodged somehow and she had made no effort to replace it.
He nearly cried out in despair when her hand withdrew from his own, but she had only brought both arms to huddle against her chest. She gazed at him now, her expression one of discomfort due to the cold but otherwise maintaining its neutrality. Her eyes revealed neither gladness to see him nor loathing. Torn between berating her and running off to the woods for some more self-inflicted punishment, Inuyasha instead snatched up the discarded blanket. Rather than covering her with it, he folded it over a couple times. Then he gingerly picked up the fox kit sleeping at Kagome’s side and deposited him into the hastily-made bed, covering him with the top half of the blanket. To Inuyasha’s endless relief, Shippou stirred but did not wake. Then he slid his arm under Kagome’s shoulders and lifted her gently, like the precious being that she was. In a matter of seconds he had her inside the sleeping bag, zipped to the top so only from her nose to the top of her head was showing. Still she watched him, revealing no emotion.
Inuyasha wanted to pull his hair out. These blank, un-Kagome-like looks had to stop! They were going to drive him insane if they continued for much longer. But they were his fault, and his responsibility to cure. To do that, he needed to find a quiet place where he would be comfortable talking to her. And the direction which he finally chose was not north, south, east or west, but one which had always brought him safety and comfort, starting when he was a mere child. It was up.
He thought he heard a soft intake of breath from Kagome when he picked her up bridal-style in his arms. She made no other sound as he made his way up a tall tree overlooking the campsite, leaping from limb to limb with practiced ease even burdened with his precious cargo. Finally, he settled with his back to the trunk on the highest branch capable of supporting their combined weight, and placed her in his lap. He clutched her closely to his chest, more tightly than he intended. But there was something soothing in the feel of her in his arms, especially her lack of protest. She gazed at him now with confusion swimming in her dark orbs, but even that was a vast improvement from before. He swallowed nervously, but knew it was time. He opened his mouth to say what he needed to say…
And failed. He tried once, twice, thrice, but each time his tongue faltered. He growled inwardly, wanting to slam his head against the trunk. Why did her eyes paralyze him so? Why couldn’t he utter the words he felt in his heart? Why did he have no idea where to begin? Finally he gave up, looking down at the darkness below as he tried to gather his thoughts in preparation for another attempt.
“I’ll go home.”
He jolted at the sound of her voice, nearly sending both of them toppling from their perch. He looked at her, and was both pleased and dismayed to find her gazing at him sadly. But this was real, crushing sadness, and at first he found himself unable to process her words. Then the wheels began turning. She would go home. The rest was unspoken, but clear as day. This would not be a short visit with her family, or even a longer stay because she was upset. This would be permanent, final. If he assented to her declaration, he would watch her vanish at the bottom of the well and never see her again.
“The hell you will!” he growled, surprising both of them with the vehemence of his response. His breath came in short, shallow bursts, as he fought against the rising panic within him. He could not let Kagome leave. It didn’t matter why he needed her so badly, but he felt it down to his very soul. If he let her go home, never to return, the best part of him would wither and die. He would regret it to the end of his days.
For Kagome’s part, she had initially shrunk back from his fierce tone and the fear in his eyes, but this was not a decision she took lightly. She had danced around it for a long time, ignoring her friends as they tried to cheer her up. Ignoring even the cold until Inuyasha snapped her back to reality. But inexorably, she had come to the correct conclusion. Kikyou had not been right about everything, but the older miko’s words carried profound truths. Regardless of whether she had intended to ensnare Inuyasha by becoming pregnant, regardless of whether she had ever advertised herself for him or anyone else, the end result was exactly what Kikyou had professed. She was nothing but a useless, soiled woman now. And Inuyasha would be better off without her, despite his initial resistance to said truth.
“Please, Inuyasha,” she pleaded, not wanting one of her final memories of him to be a terrible fight. “You have to see the truth. Kikyou was right. You should let me go home and complete the Shikon no Tama with her. Then you—”
“Stop it,” he demanded, voice cracking with desperation.
“No! You need to listen to reason. I’m just a burden now, and—”
“So what if you’re a burden!”
Kagome gasped, suddenly unsure how to feel. Her chest throbbed with a fresh pang of anguish, but she was glad he had admitted the truth. Or had he? His words and expression were at odds, and all she could do was wait for him to clarify.
Inuyasha groaned, knocking the back of his head against the trunk for real this time. How was it that he could consistently say the right thing in a way which was so appallingly wrong? Did it even count as ‘saying the right thing’ anymore? Probably not, he reflected, which is why his tongue set to hastily fumbling over itself to explain.
“Kagome, that’s not—I mean, you’re not…” He trailed off. What good was it to deny his statement? It was true, and they both knew it. But that didn’t make it right, either.
“Ah, screw it. Yes, Kagome, you are a burden.” He almost faltered at the hurt which materialized in her gaze, but pressed on. “You…you really are a burden sometimes. All of you are. I can’t travel as fast as I could by myself. I end up having to rescue one or more of you in just about every battle. And we have to stop every fucking night to fucking sleep. So. What? I don’t give a flying shit about all that. It doesn’t mean I don’t want you guys with me! I need you!”
Here he paused, as if realizing what he had just admitted. But it was true, and with the hurt gradually receding from her expression, her beautiful eyes softening in understanding, he saw no reason to deny it.
“I need you. You, Kagome. You most of all. If you left me…I don’t know what I would do. Please, please don’t go!”
He realized he was begging like some pathetic fool, but he didn’t care. It didn’t matter that this was the most vulnerable he had ever allowed himself to be. The only person to bear witness was the one who held his absolute trust, the one he needed more than any other. If he failed to convince her to stay, nothing else mattered. Maintaining his foolish pride would be no consolation at all, so he threw it away along with anything else that had kept him from being truly honest with her before. It was freeing in a way, to see his distraught, pitiful visage reflected in her moistening brown orbs. The scent of her tears wrapped around him like a soothing blanket, and his heart jumped with every quiver of her bottom lip. And as life returned to her face, as Kagome became Kagome again, he felt the icy grip of despair finally leave him.
In the next moment, her lips were pressed against his. Inuyasha responded subconsciously, applying gentle pressure as his eyes slid shut. Higher thought switched off, he acted solely on emotion, the desires of his heart. The lip lock remained chaste, but as a first real kiss, it was everything that either of them could have hoped for. When Kagome pulled away, Inuyasha followed her briefly out of reflex, reluctant to relinquish the contact. When he opened his eyes again, he found her gazing at him with an indescribable expression, adoration warring with nervousness in her dark pools. It was the latter which caused his higher brain function to restart, and as the possible implications of what had just occurred sank in, he too withdrew to put some distance between them.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I shouldn’t have done that.”
“S’okay,” was all he could manage in response. He knew that she was worried that he would be upset about the kiss, which she had initiated. In reality, however, nothing could be further from the truth. He forced himself to look away from her, because removing his eyes from her face, her lips, was a real challenge. A delightful warmth surged through his veins, his chest throbbing with longing. Part of him desperately wanted to kiss her again, regardless of where that could potentially lead them. And that scared him. His logical mind told him that it was a bad idea, but his heart didn’t care. Fortunately, he was now thinking clearly. Giving in to passions had gotten them into this mess in the first place, and he was not about to exacerbate the situation by repeating past mistakes.
He sensed Kagome shifting to move further away from him and tightened his hold automatically. Her eyes were downcast, her lips turned in a dejected frown. She was probably getting the wrong idea about his reaction to the kiss, and he couldn’t have that. Not now.
“Kagome,” he called softly, allowing the easy smile which came naturally simply from being with her to show on his features. She blinked once, seemingly surprised to see such an expression, but soon the melancholy had vanished from her visage and she was cautiously returning his grin.
“So you’ll stay?” he asked, knowing the answer but needing to hear her speak it aloud before his fears would completely subside.
She nodded happily. “For as long as I can.” When he quirked an eyebrow at her in confusion, she elaborated. “You heard what Sango-chan said. Eventually I’ll get too big and unwieldy to travel with you guys. You’ll have to leave me behind.”
Inuyasha nodded in relief. “That’s fine. As long as I can come back to you.”
Kagome pondered that statement. On one level, she was ecstatic about everything he had revealed to her this evening. But there was just enough ambiguity in his words to make her wonder what they really meant. And since this affected not only her future, but that of their unborn child, she had to know.
“Inuyasha, when you asked me to stay…how long did you mean for?”
Inuyasha instantly realized what she was really asking. How long do I intend to stay with her? That was a question he had never held a real answer to, even before Kagome became pregnant. In the past, he would have deferred to Kikyou’s judgment in the matter. If after Naraku was defeated, she demanded that he fulfill his promise and go to hell with her, he would have done so. Kagome could return safely to her world, and none of their other friends would truly need him anymore. But now, everything had changed. Even if all of that came to pass, there would still be one person who did need him. Namely, the innocent child which even Kikyou herself, in all of her hate-fueled rage, had spared. The child had not asked to be born. It had not purposely caused a rift between him and Kikyou. And it could not be punished for it. If he went to hell with Kikyou, that was exactly what he would be doing. This was to say nothing of the intense revulsion which gripped him when he thought of abandoning his flesh and blood for any reason. For once, his decision was both abundantly clear and easy to give voice to.
“I grew up without a father, Kagome. I know what it’s like. And it’s not going to happen. Our child will grow up knowing its father. I promise you that.”
When she did not react with immediate delight, he knew what her next question would be. He was not disappointed.
“But what about Kikyou?”
He grimaced. This answer, while no more difficult to arrive at, did fill him with guilt. But he could no longer place Kikyou above all others on his list of priorities. He was going to be a father, and therefore had to place the needs of his child above all else. That was what good parents did. He didn’t know a thing about parenting, but he was damn sure going to be a good—no, great father. He could not rescind his promise to Kikyou, but he could assign it a proper position of importance in his life.
“Kikyou…will have to wait. If she hasn’t found peace and released me by the time our child is an adult, then I’ll go with her. But not before.”
This response put an understandable damper on Kagome’s mood. Oh, Inuyasha… He still thought that he owed Kikyou his life. Why couldn’t he see that he owed her nothing? That he had already given her everything she deserved? His life did not belong to her; she had given that up when she betrayed him fifty years ago, when she so readily fell for Naraku’s ruse due to mistrust and selfishness. The bitter, hateful Kikyou which had been so cruel to her this evening…how much did she even resemble the woman Inuyasha had fallen for all those years ago?
Despite her reservations, there was a silver lining. Inuyasha was promising to stay until their child was an adult. In this time period, that was what, another fifteen years? Fifteen years for her to convince him that he did not owe Kikyou his life. Fifteen years for Kikyou to find it within herself to forgive him. Fifteen more years with Inuyasha…the thought brought a brilliant smile to her face. It was not the lifelong promise she desired, but it was incredibly heartening nonetheless. She could picture them now, living together and raising a son or daughter, laughing, crying, and yelling as all parents did. Finding their way through the complicated maze of parenthood and watching their child grow into a fine young man or woman. Even with the prospect of Inuyasha’s departure from this world hanging over their heads, they would be happy. Kagome had come to terms with the reality of raising their child by herself, but having Inuyasha in their lives seemed like a fantasy come true.
There were, of course, unanswered questions. Primarily, what would this arrangement mean for their relationship? Would they be a couple, enjoying everything that status entailed, or merely two friends raising a child together? She would sincerely hope for the former, but even if they never evolved beyond friends, she would cherish their time together. As she had been doing ever since they first met.
Finally, the joy which had been bubbling deep within her burst forth. She yanked her arms out of the sleeping back, kissed Inuyasha on the cheek, and enfolded him in a warm embrace. The hanyou reciprocated immediately, and soon jubilant laughter was escaping from Kagome’s throat. Inuyasha could not have stopped his contented grin even if he had wanted to. This moment, this promised future, was yet another reason why he was the luckiest hanyou who ever lived. All because of this amazing girl in his arms, this exceptional soul who somehow wanted to raise their quarter-youkai child with him. Fifteen more years with Kagome…the prospect seemed surreal. But thanks to the child in her womb, this was his future. He had never been so happy. And if Kikyou forgave him, if she found peace without claiming his life, then he saw no reason why he would ever leave Kagome’s side.
Unbeknownst to either, both Inuyasha and Kagome shared the same thought. For the first time, they considered that perhaps their ill-advised night of passion was meant to happen. Perhaps this child was destined to be conceived, to bring together two individuals who were close but inexorably separated by circumstances. More than ever, the conception seemed a blessing in disguise. And they knew that, no matter what befell them, they would always treat their child as such. They would love it with all of their hearts, without question.
After a time, Inuyasha pulled away from the embrace, still grinning. “Now put your arms back in the sleeping bag before you get sick. You’re still human, wench.”
“Yes, yes,” Kagome agreed sarcastically, obeying nevertheless. She was still quite cold, now that he reminded her. She snuggled close and rested her head against his chest, enjoying the feel of his body heat seeping through the fabric.
“Just don’t start yelling at me for not covering myself before,” she told him sleepily, stifling a yawn. “I know it was stupid.”
“Keh. That—that was my fault,” Inuyasha replied guiltily. Kagome sensed the shift in his mood, and waited for him to continue.
“Kagome, I—what Kikyou said before…”
“It’s okay,” she interrupted, not wanting to dredge up old pain, not when she was still on such an incredible emotional high.
“No, it’s not!” he growled, softening his tone immediately thereafter. “Some of what she was saying…I don’t know how she came up with that bullshit. Like you getting knocked up on purpose, just to make me stay? I know you’d never do something like that.”
“How do you know?” Kagome asked. She was completely innocent of that allegation, to be sure, but how would Inuyasha know that? To be honest, his total lack of suspicion regarding any of the accusations Kikyou had made was somewhat surprising.
“I trust you,” he responded instantly. Kagome gasped, gazing up at him with wide eyes. The way he said it, without any hesitation or doubt. The way his eyes shone with absolute faith. She felt honored. Her hand once more emerged from the sleeping bag, trailing up his chest to tenderly cup his cheek. He leaned into the touch, never breaking eye contact.
“I would never do anything to hurt you, Inuyasha.”
“I know that,” he replied, tone overflowing with gratitude. “And I—I’m sorry I let Kikyou hurt you. What she said was unforgivable. I won’t ask you to forgive her.”
Kagome gave him a smile to let him know she wasn’t upset, but otherwise made no response as she settled down in his embrace once more. And as she drifted off to sleep minutes later, lulled by the soothing beat of his heart, she made her decision. It’s okay, Inuyasha. You won’t ask me to forgive Kikyou, but I will anyway. Because you need me to.
The two of them stayed that way long into the early hours of the morning. Inuyasha remained awake, alternately contemplating the life ahead of him and watching Kagome sleep. Sometimes he would catch her smiling in slumber, the serenity of her expression warming his heart. She gave not a single sign of a nightmare. At some point, he heard something shuffling around camp. He had not sensed any unknown entities approaching, so he took a guess.
“Oi, runt!” he called, as softly as he could so that youkai ears would still hear it. “That you?”
“Inuyasha?” came the tentative response. The hanyou sighed in relief, glad that he would not have to leave his perch after all.
“We’re up here, Shippou. If you can make it, you can join us.”
Afterward, as Shippou made his noisy—at least to hanyou ears—way up the tree, Inuyasha pondered what had possessed him to extend such an invitation. It was likely just his good mood. But also, Kagome was very important to Shippou. Did he see her as a surrogate mother? Probably not, but maybe as an older sister or some other sort of guardian. What was undeniable was that he felt closer to her than anyone else, as evidenced by the fact that he went to her with every little problem and shared her sleeping roll each night she was in this time. And now that his conversation with Kagome was long over, he saw no reason to deny Shippou the privilege he had grown accustomed to.
Eventually, the kit finished his clambering and plopped down tiredly on the branch directly in front of Inuyasha. The hanyou felt his cheeks pink slightly at the appraising look in those perceptive green eyes. Shippou glanced down to Kagome, then back up to him, and Inuyasha nodded curtly. In moments, the fox was snuggled inside Kagome’s bag, his head resting next to hers. Inuyasha would have been satisfied with that exchange, but of course it couldn’t be quite that easy.
“So you made up with Kagome?” Shippou asked. All he got in response was a noncommittal grunt. “Is that a yes?” Another grunt. “Inuyasha! Did you apologize to Kagome or not?”
“Keh. Would she be up here if I didn’t, baka?”
“If you kidnapped her and she didn’t want to fall, then yes, she would. Baka.”
Inuyasha growled. “I didn’t kidnap her, runt. And yes, I did apologize. Happy?”
“So she’s not going home?” the kit demanded, tone colored with worry.
“Not permanently,” Inuyasha told him, realizing for the first time just how much anxiety Shippou had suffered through. Cracking a smirk, he added, “She’s staying with us, Shippou.”
The kit sighed in relief. “Good.”
Within a few minutes, Shippou had joined Kagome in dreamland, leaving Inuyasha once more alone with his thoughts. He passed the remainder of the night in silent reflection, until the first rays of sunlight began peeking over the eastern horizon. Then, reluctantly, he carefully made his way down the tree and returned Kagome and Shippou to their usual resting place around the fire. He allowed himself a lingering look at her peaceful face, and gently brushed aside an unruly lock of her hair. If anyone had been awake to observe him, they would have glimpsed an expression of profound longing play across his features as he forced himself to part from her. Then he found himself a much lower perch in the tree, to continue his watch.
When Miroku and Sango woke an hour or two later, they found Inuyasha rebuilding the fire in preparation for cooking the morning meal, an unfortunate squirrel which had blundered too close to camp. It was not much, but it would be enough to tide all of them over until later. Far from being appreciative, however, the two humans were understandably upset with the hanyou. Even Miroku, normally more supportive than Sango since Inuyasha was a fellow male, refused to speak to him. Inuyasha pretended not to notice the oppressive silence or dirty looks, but anyone who really knew him could see that they were bothering him. Finally, Shippou decided to say something.
“You know, you guys probably shouldn’t be looking at Inuyasha like that. I think you should wait until Kagome wakes up.”
“Why, Shippou?” Sango asked, genuinely surprised to find the kit standing up for Inuyasha. “Did he talk to Kagome-chan?”
“How ‘bout all of you mind your own damn business,” the hanyou interjected gruffly, but somehow his words lacked their usual bite. Miroku and Sango shared a look, but they silently agreed to stop giving Inuyasha the cold shoulder.
Until Kagome woke up, at least.
Promise
Inuyasha swore colorfully, his claws tearing through bark and wood. He had exhausted his extensive vocabulary of obscenities long ago and was starting to repeat himself. Over a dozen relatively young trees lay freshly mangled, dying in his wake. The larger ones had escaped with deep gouges, though whether they would survive the damage he neither knew nor cared. Finally an exceptionally old, broad trunk loomed up before him. Snarling, he closed his hand into a fist and threw his full weight behind the strike. Again and again he punched the hapless inanimate object, until a dark stain of blood sat in the center of a crater of splintered, pulverized wood. Finally, instincts of self-preservation forced him to stop. Some of his fingers were surely broken, but no lasting damage had been done. The pain felt good. He deserved it.
It did not, however, do anything to alleviate his shame. He was ashamed of Kikyou, of the cruel witch she had become, but mostly he was ashamed of himself. Why had he stood feebly by while Kikyou spouted such hurtful, piercing drivel? Why hadn’t he put a stop to it before his sweet, innocent Kagome had been so brutally wounded? He hadn’t even prevented Kikyou from firing an arrow in her direction; Kagome could have been killed, with her protector standing not two meters from her. When had he ceased to be a man? Where on earth had he left his manhood? He had eventually tried to get a word in, but Kikyou interrupted him. And instead of telling her to shut up for a minute, he had allowed her misinterpretation of his words to go uncorrected. His lack of testicular fortitude was nothing short of disgusting.
And now here he was, taking his self-loathing out on innocent trees when he should be trying to find his fucking balls or bash some sense into his brainless skull. Or better yet, apologizing to Kagome and explaining that what she thought she knew was dead wrong. He shuddered involuntarily, recalling her appearance afterwards. Her body, limp as it lay on her sleeping bag, her breathing slow and deep. Her eyes, normally bright, shining not with anger or even sadness, but reflecting only a terrifying void. They had been empty, of all emotion or care. He had never seen her look so completely crushed, so utterly defeated.
He slammed his fist into the tree again, just to feel that satisfying surge of pain once more. He knew what he had to do now. A sense of desperation took root within, a need to forever banish that terrible emptiness from her expression and return Kagome to being Kagome. He only hoped that it was not already too late. She possessed a remarkable capacity to forgive, but even she would have difficulty healing from this.
He took his time meandering back to camp, desperation temporarily restrained by fear, fear that she would reject him or that he would screw this up. Heartfelt conversation had never been his strong suit. He had done it after that cursed night in the village, but the stakes back then seemed to pale in comparison to what they were now. But as he had told himself that evening, it had to be done. And eventually, he gathered up the willpower to overcome his dread and gingerly creep back into camp.
Evidently, he had been gone longer than he thought. Everyone except Kagome was sleeping, which he decided was a good thing. He guessed that the others had tried to make her feel better, but had eventually given up. Even now, she was simply lying on her back, gazing vacantly up at the canopy. But perhaps what scared him most of all was the disturbing absence of the scent of her tears in the air. Kagome had always cried when she felt sad. What this suggested, instead, was the inability to feel anything at all. His Kagome was fading before his very eyes.
He barely managed to restrain himself from charging over and shaking her fiercely. But the only thing that would accomplish would be to wake up all of their friends. And if he had any chance of fixing this, he needed it to be just the two of them. So he settled for a quick tip-toe across camp, then quietly knelt beside her. She made no move to acknowledge him, even when he whispered her name and waved a hand across her vision. Next he moved to gently shake her shoulder, but gasped as soon as his fingers came into contact with the distressingly cold fabric of her blouse. Alarmed, he grasped her hand and felt that her skin was just as chilled. A sudden gust of wind blew past, causing the fire to hiss and flicker in protest. Fresh goose bumps rose on Kagome’s bare legs, and a shiver passed through her. There was a blanket lying to her side, probably courtesy of Sango or Miroku, but it had become dislodged somehow and she had made no effort to replace it.
He nearly cried out in despair when her hand withdrew from his own, but she had only brought both arms to huddle against her chest. She gazed at him now, her expression one of discomfort due to the cold but otherwise maintaining its neutrality. Her eyes revealed neither gladness to see him nor loathing. Torn between berating her and running off to the woods for some more self-inflicted punishment, Inuyasha instead snatched up the discarded blanket. Rather than covering her with it, he folded it over a couple times. Then he gingerly picked up the fox kit sleeping at Kagome’s side and deposited him into the hastily-made bed, covering him with the top half of the blanket. To Inuyasha’s endless relief, Shippou stirred but did not wake. Then he slid his arm under Kagome’s shoulders and lifted her gently, like the precious being that she was. In a matter of seconds he had her inside the sleeping bag, zipped to the top so only from her nose to the top of her head was showing. Still she watched him, revealing no emotion.
Inuyasha wanted to pull his hair out. These blank, un-Kagome-like looks had to stop! They were going to drive him insane if they continued for much longer. But they were his fault, and his responsibility to cure. To do that, he needed to find a quiet place where he would be comfortable talking to her. And the direction which he finally chose was not north, south, east or west, but one which had always brought him safety and comfort, starting when he was a mere child. It was up.
He thought he heard a soft intake of breath from Kagome when he picked her up bridal-style in his arms. She made no other sound as he made his way up a tall tree overlooking the campsite, leaping from limb to limb with practiced ease even burdened with his precious cargo. Finally, he settled with his back to the trunk on the highest branch capable of supporting their combined weight, and placed her in his lap. He clutched her closely to his chest, more tightly than he intended. But there was something soothing in the feel of her in his arms, especially her lack of protest. She gazed at him now with confusion swimming in her dark orbs, but even that was a vast improvement from before. He swallowed nervously, but knew it was time. He opened his mouth to say what he needed to say…
And failed. He tried once, twice, thrice, but each time his tongue faltered. He growled inwardly, wanting to slam his head against the trunk. Why did her eyes paralyze him so? Why couldn’t he utter the words he felt in his heart? Why did he have no idea where to begin? Finally he gave up, looking down at the darkness below as he tried to gather his thoughts in preparation for another attempt.
“I’ll go home.”
He jolted at the sound of her voice, nearly sending both of them toppling from their perch. He looked at her, and was both pleased and dismayed to find her gazing at him sadly. But this was real, crushing sadness, and at first he found himself unable to process her words. Then the wheels began turning. She would go home. The rest was unspoken, but clear as day. This would not be a short visit with her family, or even a longer stay because she was upset. This would be permanent, final. If he assented to her declaration, he would watch her vanish at the bottom of the well and never see her again.
“The hell you will!” he growled, surprising both of them with the vehemence of his response. His breath came in short, shallow bursts, as he fought against the rising panic within him. He could not let Kagome leave. It didn’t matter why he needed her so badly, but he felt it down to his very soul. If he let her go home, never to return, the best part of him would wither and die. He would regret it to the end of his days.
For Kagome’s part, she had initially shrunk back from his fierce tone and the fear in his eyes, but this was not a decision she took lightly. She had danced around it for a long time, ignoring her friends as they tried to cheer her up. Ignoring even the cold until Inuyasha snapped her back to reality. But inexorably, she had come to the correct conclusion. Kikyou had not been right about everything, but the older miko’s words carried profound truths. Regardless of whether she had intended to ensnare Inuyasha by becoming pregnant, regardless of whether she had ever advertised herself for him or anyone else, the end result was exactly what Kikyou had professed. She was nothing but a useless, soiled woman now. And Inuyasha would be better off without her, despite his initial resistance to said truth.
“Please, Inuyasha,” she pleaded, not wanting one of her final memories of him to be a terrible fight. “You have to see the truth. Kikyou was right. You should let me go home and complete the Shikon no Tama with her. Then you—”
“Stop it,” he demanded, voice cracking with desperation.
“No! You need to listen to reason. I’m just a burden now, and—”
“So what if you’re a burden!”
Kagome gasped, suddenly unsure how to feel. Her chest throbbed with a fresh pang of anguish, but she was glad he had admitted the truth. Or had he? His words and expression were at odds, and all she could do was wait for him to clarify.
Inuyasha groaned, knocking the back of his head against the trunk for real this time. How was it that he could consistently say the right thing in a way which was so appallingly wrong? Did it even count as ‘saying the right thing’ anymore? Probably not, he reflected, which is why his tongue set to hastily fumbling over itself to explain.
“Kagome, that’s not—I mean, you’re not…” He trailed off. What good was it to deny his statement? It was true, and they both knew it. But that didn’t make it right, either.
“Ah, screw it. Yes, Kagome, you are a burden.” He almost faltered at the hurt which materialized in her gaze, but pressed on. “You…you really are a burden sometimes. All of you are. I can’t travel as fast as I could by myself. I end up having to rescue one or more of you in just about every battle. And we have to stop every fucking night to fucking sleep. So. What? I don’t give a flying shit about all that. It doesn’t mean I don’t want you guys with me! I need you!”
Here he paused, as if realizing what he had just admitted. But it was true, and with the hurt gradually receding from her expression, her beautiful eyes softening in understanding, he saw no reason to deny it.
“I need you. You, Kagome. You most of all. If you left me…I don’t know what I would do. Please, please don’t go!”
He realized he was begging like some pathetic fool, but he didn’t care. It didn’t matter that this was the most vulnerable he had ever allowed himself to be. The only person to bear witness was the one who held his absolute trust, the one he needed more than any other. If he failed to convince her to stay, nothing else mattered. Maintaining his foolish pride would be no consolation at all, so he threw it away along with anything else that had kept him from being truly honest with her before. It was freeing in a way, to see his distraught, pitiful visage reflected in her moistening brown orbs. The scent of her tears wrapped around him like a soothing blanket, and his heart jumped with every quiver of her bottom lip. And as life returned to her face, as Kagome became Kagome again, he felt the icy grip of despair finally leave him.
In the next moment, her lips were pressed against his. Inuyasha responded subconsciously, applying gentle pressure as his eyes slid shut. Higher thought switched off, he acted solely on emotion, the desires of his heart. The lip lock remained chaste, but as a first real kiss, it was everything that either of them could have hoped for. When Kagome pulled away, Inuyasha followed her briefly out of reflex, reluctant to relinquish the contact. When he opened his eyes again, he found her gazing at him with an indescribable expression, adoration warring with nervousness in her dark pools. It was the latter which caused his higher brain function to restart, and as the possible implications of what had just occurred sank in, he too withdrew to put some distance between them.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I shouldn’t have done that.”
“S’okay,” was all he could manage in response. He knew that she was worried that he would be upset about the kiss, which she had initiated. In reality, however, nothing could be further from the truth. He forced himself to look away from her, because removing his eyes from her face, her lips, was a real challenge. A delightful warmth surged through his veins, his chest throbbing with longing. Part of him desperately wanted to kiss her again, regardless of where that could potentially lead them. And that scared him. His logical mind told him that it was a bad idea, but his heart didn’t care. Fortunately, he was now thinking clearly. Giving in to passions had gotten them into this mess in the first place, and he was not about to exacerbate the situation by repeating past mistakes.
He sensed Kagome shifting to move further away from him and tightened his hold automatically. Her eyes were downcast, her lips turned in a dejected frown. She was probably getting the wrong idea about his reaction to the kiss, and he couldn’t have that. Not now.
“Kagome,” he called softly, allowing the easy smile which came naturally simply from being with her to show on his features. She blinked once, seemingly surprised to see such an expression, but soon the melancholy had vanished from her visage and she was cautiously returning his grin.
“So you’ll stay?” he asked, knowing the answer but needing to hear her speak it aloud before his fears would completely subside.
She nodded happily. “For as long as I can.” When he quirked an eyebrow at her in confusion, she elaborated. “You heard what Sango-chan said. Eventually I’ll get too big and unwieldy to travel with you guys. You’ll have to leave me behind.”
Inuyasha nodded in relief. “That’s fine. As long as I can come back to you.”
Kagome pondered that statement. On one level, she was ecstatic about everything he had revealed to her this evening. But there was just enough ambiguity in his words to make her wonder what they really meant. And since this affected not only her future, but that of their unborn child, she had to know.
“Inuyasha, when you asked me to stay…how long did you mean for?”
Inuyasha instantly realized what she was really asking. How long do I intend to stay with her? That was a question he had never held a real answer to, even before Kagome became pregnant. In the past, he would have deferred to Kikyou’s judgment in the matter. If after Naraku was defeated, she demanded that he fulfill his promise and go to hell with her, he would have done so. Kagome could return safely to her world, and none of their other friends would truly need him anymore. But now, everything had changed. Even if all of that came to pass, there would still be one person who did need him. Namely, the innocent child which even Kikyou herself, in all of her hate-fueled rage, had spared. The child had not asked to be born. It had not purposely caused a rift between him and Kikyou. And it could not be punished for it. If he went to hell with Kikyou, that was exactly what he would be doing. This was to say nothing of the intense revulsion which gripped him when he thought of abandoning his flesh and blood for any reason. For once, his decision was both abundantly clear and easy to give voice to.
“I grew up without a father, Kagome. I know what it’s like. And it’s not going to happen. Our child will grow up knowing its father. I promise you that.”
When she did not react with immediate delight, he knew what her next question would be. He was not disappointed.
“But what about Kikyou?”
He grimaced. This answer, while no more difficult to arrive at, did fill him with guilt. But he could no longer place Kikyou above all others on his list of priorities. He was going to be a father, and therefore had to place the needs of his child above all else. That was what good parents did. He didn’t know a thing about parenting, but he was damn sure going to be a good—no, great father. He could not rescind his promise to Kikyou, but he could assign it a proper position of importance in his life.
“Kikyou…will have to wait. If she hasn’t found peace and released me by the time our child is an adult, then I’ll go with her. But not before.”
This response put an understandable damper on Kagome’s mood. Oh, Inuyasha… He still thought that he owed Kikyou his life. Why couldn’t he see that he owed her nothing? That he had already given her everything she deserved? His life did not belong to her; she had given that up when she betrayed him fifty years ago, when she so readily fell for Naraku’s ruse due to mistrust and selfishness. The bitter, hateful Kikyou which had been so cruel to her this evening…how much did she even resemble the woman Inuyasha had fallen for all those years ago?
Despite her reservations, there was a silver lining. Inuyasha was promising to stay until their child was an adult. In this time period, that was what, another fifteen years? Fifteen years for her to convince him that he did not owe Kikyou his life. Fifteen years for Kikyou to find it within herself to forgive him. Fifteen more years with Inuyasha…the thought brought a brilliant smile to her face. It was not the lifelong promise she desired, but it was incredibly heartening nonetheless. She could picture them now, living together and raising a son or daughter, laughing, crying, and yelling as all parents did. Finding their way through the complicated maze of parenthood and watching their child grow into a fine young man or woman. Even with the prospect of Inuyasha’s departure from this world hanging over their heads, they would be happy. Kagome had come to terms with the reality of raising their child by herself, but having Inuyasha in their lives seemed like a fantasy come true.
There were, of course, unanswered questions. Primarily, what would this arrangement mean for their relationship? Would they be a couple, enjoying everything that status entailed, or merely two friends raising a child together? She would sincerely hope for the former, but even if they never evolved beyond friends, she would cherish their time together. As she had been doing ever since they first met.
Finally, the joy which had been bubbling deep within her burst forth. She yanked her arms out of the sleeping back, kissed Inuyasha on the cheek, and enfolded him in a warm embrace. The hanyou reciprocated immediately, and soon jubilant laughter was escaping from Kagome’s throat. Inuyasha could not have stopped his contented grin even if he had wanted to. This moment, this promised future, was yet another reason why he was the luckiest hanyou who ever lived. All because of this amazing girl in his arms, this exceptional soul who somehow wanted to raise their quarter-youkai child with him. Fifteen more years with Kagome…the prospect seemed surreal. But thanks to the child in her womb, this was his future. He had never been so happy. And if Kikyou forgave him, if she found peace without claiming his life, then he saw no reason why he would ever leave Kagome’s side.
Unbeknownst to either, both Inuyasha and Kagome shared the same thought. For the first time, they considered that perhaps their ill-advised night of passion was meant to happen. Perhaps this child was destined to be conceived, to bring together two individuals who were close but inexorably separated by circumstances. More than ever, the conception seemed a blessing in disguise. And they knew that, no matter what befell them, they would always treat their child as such. They would love it with all of their hearts, without question.
After a time, Inuyasha pulled away from the embrace, still grinning. “Now put your arms back in the sleeping bag before you get sick. You’re still human, wench.”
“Yes, yes,” Kagome agreed sarcastically, obeying nevertheless. She was still quite cold, now that he reminded her. She snuggled close and rested her head against his chest, enjoying the feel of his body heat seeping through the fabric.
“Just don’t start yelling at me for not covering myself before,” she told him sleepily, stifling a yawn. “I know it was stupid.”
“Keh. That—that was my fault,” Inuyasha replied guiltily. Kagome sensed the shift in his mood, and waited for him to continue.
“Kagome, I—what Kikyou said before…”
“It’s okay,” she interrupted, not wanting to dredge up old pain, not when she was still on such an incredible emotional high.
“No, it’s not!” he growled, softening his tone immediately thereafter. “Some of what she was saying…I don’t know how she came up with that bullshit. Like you getting knocked up on purpose, just to make me stay? I know you’d never do something like that.”
“How do you know?” Kagome asked. She was completely innocent of that allegation, to be sure, but how would Inuyasha know that? To be honest, his total lack of suspicion regarding any of the accusations Kikyou had made was somewhat surprising.
“I trust you,” he responded instantly. Kagome gasped, gazing up at him with wide eyes. The way he said it, without any hesitation or doubt. The way his eyes shone with absolute faith. She felt honored. Her hand once more emerged from the sleeping bag, trailing up his chest to tenderly cup his cheek. He leaned into the touch, never breaking eye contact.
“I would never do anything to hurt you, Inuyasha.”
“I know that,” he replied, tone overflowing with gratitude. “And I—I’m sorry I let Kikyou hurt you. What she said was unforgivable. I won’t ask you to forgive her.”
Kagome gave him a smile to let him know she wasn’t upset, but otherwise made no response as she settled down in his embrace once more. And as she drifted off to sleep minutes later, lulled by the soothing beat of his heart, she made her decision. It’s okay, Inuyasha. You won’t ask me to forgive Kikyou, but I will anyway. Because you need me to.
The two of them stayed that way long into the early hours of the morning. Inuyasha remained awake, alternately contemplating the life ahead of him and watching Kagome sleep. Sometimes he would catch her smiling in slumber, the serenity of her expression warming his heart. She gave not a single sign of a nightmare. At some point, he heard something shuffling around camp. He had not sensed any unknown entities approaching, so he took a guess.
“Oi, runt!” he called, as softly as he could so that youkai ears would still hear it. “That you?”
“Inuyasha?” came the tentative response. The hanyou sighed in relief, glad that he would not have to leave his perch after all.
“We’re up here, Shippou. If you can make it, you can join us.”
Afterward, as Shippou made his noisy—at least to hanyou ears—way up the tree, Inuyasha pondered what had possessed him to extend such an invitation. It was likely just his good mood. But also, Kagome was very important to Shippou. Did he see her as a surrogate mother? Probably not, but maybe as an older sister or some other sort of guardian. What was undeniable was that he felt closer to her than anyone else, as evidenced by the fact that he went to her with every little problem and shared her sleeping roll each night she was in this time. And now that his conversation with Kagome was long over, he saw no reason to deny Shippou the privilege he had grown accustomed to.
Eventually, the kit finished his clambering and plopped down tiredly on the branch directly in front of Inuyasha. The hanyou felt his cheeks pink slightly at the appraising look in those perceptive green eyes. Shippou glanced down to Kagome, then back up to him, and Inuyasha nodded curtly. In moments, the fox was snuggled inside Kagome’s bag, his head resting next to hers. Inuyasha would have been satisfied with that exchange, but of course it couldn’t be quite that easy.
“So you made up with Kagome?” Shippou asked. All he got in response was a noncommittal grunt. “Is that a yes?” Another grunt. “Inuyasha! Did you apologize to Kagome or not?”
“Keh. Would she be up here if I didn’t, baka?”
“If you kidnapped her and she didn’t want to fall, then yes, she would. Baka.”
Inuyasha growled. “I didn’t kidnap her, runt. And yes, I did apologize. Happy?”
“So she’s not going home?” the kit demanded, tone colored with worry.
“Not permanently,” Inuyasha told him, realizing for the first time just how much anxiety Shippou had suffered through. Cracking a smirk, he added, “She’s staying with us, Shippou.”
The kit sighed in relief. “Good.”
Within a few minutes, Shippou had joined Kagome in dreamland, leaving Inuyasha once more alone with his thoughts. He passed the remainder of the night in silent reflection, until the first rays of sunlight began peeking over the eastern horizon. Then, reluctantly, he carefully made his way down the tree and returned Kagome and Shippou to their usual resting place around the fire. He allowed himself a lingering look at her peaceful face, and gently brushed aside an unruly lock of her hair. If anyone had been awake to observe him, they would have glimpsed an expression of profound longing play across his features as he forced himself to part from her. Then he found himself a much lower perch in the tree, to continue his watch.
When Miroku and Sango woke an hour or two later, they found Inuyasha rebuilding the fire in preparation for cooking the morning meal, an unfortunate squirrel which had blundered too close to camp. It was not much, but it would be enough to tide all of them over until later. Far from being appreciative, however, the two humans were understandably upset with the hanyou. Even Miroku, normally more supportive than Sango since Inuyasha was a fellow male, refused to speak to him. Inuyasha pretended not to notice the oppressive silence or dirty looks, but anyone who really knew him could see that they were bothering him. Finally, Shippou decided to say something.
“You know, you guys probably shouldn’t be looking at Inuyasha like that. I think you should wait until Kagome wakes up.”
“Why, Shippou?” Sango asked, genuinely surprised to find the kit standing up for Inuyasha. “Did he talk to Kagome-chan?”
“How ‘bout all of you mind your own damn business,” the hanyou interjected gruffly, but somehow his words lacked their usual bite. Miroku and Sango shared a look, but they silently agreed to stop giving Inuyasha the cold shoulder.
Until Kagome woke up, at least.