InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Into the Sengoku Jidai: A Survivor Story ❯ The Drunken Baffoons and their Oddly Specific Reasoning ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer: Much to our dismay we do not own any of the persons or places depicted in our story . . . except for ourselves. We're Penniless American Japanese Wannabes DON'T SUE US!!!!

A/N: For the poor reader's reference everything in parenthesis is the writers (that's us) verbally bashing the protagonists (that's us too). Also it points out some very obvious (or not so obvious) things. * wink * Review we say or all shall cease to smell like flowers strewn across a babbling brook with a hint of lemon…

Chapter One: The Drunken Buffoons and Their Oddly Specific Reasoning

One day in . . . AMERICA !!! * gasp * two young, 'innocent' * angel falls from heaven: dead * were watching anime of all things and eating rice cakes (talk about azn wannabes . . . even if one of them is azn . . . but the other one . . . whoo . . . what a cracker). The crack- erm Kristen the "American one" was reading her Japanese textbook (like I said Azn Wannabe). Elli, the Asian with a white name, took a long blonde . . . I mean . . . uh. . . a long look at Kristen. Suddenly she had a revelation (or maybe not so suddenly).

"Hey Ren San (what a sad cracker . . . even giving herself an asian name) we should go to Japan!"

"Wow Elli Chan * extreme white accent * that's a spiffy idea! (forgot to mention . . . they're drunk) Let's go rob a bank and go to NIHON! (what a loser)."

"What a super duper idea!" Elli exclaimed.

Kristen quickly flung her book over her shoulder, killing an innocent ant (f.y.i. no ants were harmed in the making of this story. The one that was squished was replaced by a cacaro flea! We don't care about . . . fleas . . . yeah . . . ), then jumped up and screamed, "Waii!!" ( . . . . .. )

Elli jumped up as well and was about to follow suit but tripped over a piece of hair and fell flat on her face.

(Later when those stupid drunk asses got out of the house)

Elli and Kristen walked into the Bank. Kristen was dressed as Chun Li from Street Fighter (a blonde Chun Li . . . what's next) and Elli dressed up as Sakura Kinomoto from Card Captor Sakura. They had both bought incredibly cheap guns from the 99 cents store (they were on a tight budget) and cheap pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey masks to cover their eyes. Kristen approached the bank teller as if she were on Mission: Impossible. Elli pointed her gun at people to intimidate people because she secretly wanted to be Faye from Cowboy Bebop. (Fat chance). When Kristen finally made her anti-climactic way to the teller, she pointed the very fake gun at him and said, "Put your hands up, Baka!"

The teller just stared at her.

"Put your hands up BAKA!"

Skeptically, the teller put his hands up in the air. Elli was still dramatically pointing her guns at people when Kristen looked back. Kristen cleared her throat in a very loud manner. Elli abruptly stopped and looked at her.

"Ye-es?" Elli asked.

"You are not Faye. You are Sakura Kinomoto! Now go rob the vault!!" (Not only are they stupid but they're having identity crisis's.)

"Okay . . ." Elli said dejectedly.

El-Sakura happily skipped over to the vault. Little girls everywhere cried that their favorite scantily clad ten-year old hero was happily robbing a bank. When she got there she stopped and stared at the vault door. She seemed perplexed by it.

"Kris- er . . . Chun Li?"

"What?!"

"How do you open the do-or?"

Kris- er . . . Chun Li turned toward the teller and pointed her gun at his left index finger.

"You. Go open the door or I'll kill your sorry finger!"

The teller looked as if he was about to bust up laughing but complied anyway because he had secretly said for years that if anyone, even drunk buffoons, were to rob this bank he would let them. (How convenient, eh?) Kristen decided she would take care of the drawers. She slinked behind the "employees only" section (real sneaky, dumbass) and ransacked every drawer there, sometimes taking pens, post-it notes, staplers and such. (The dumbshit thought it was all money).

Elli came out of the vault struggling with huge bags of money.

"C'mon Sak-Elli-Ura!" Said Kristen as she happily skipped off with her semi large bag with some money mostly office supplies in it.

Elli sighed heavily as she heard people calling her a "blonde henchman" and slowly walked after her.

When they went outside the bank, they found that the street had mysteriously emptied itself of people and cars. Fearing that they may never get another chance, they skipped, with their bags of money and office supplies in tow, down the street singing "Revolution" by the Beatles. Really really really reeeeeeeeeeally horribly, I might add. Kristen was signing in an extremely manly voice (which gives me weird thoughts considering that she was wearing a skirt) and Elli with a very, very high voice.

Every now and then Kristen coughed and Elli's voice cracked and God thanked himself that he had decided to go on vacation today. (But no one was filling in for him, thus the movie Day After Tomorrow was consecrated. In theatres near you)

When the two bank robbing, anime character wannabes got home they instantly started packing. Kristen was filling her bag with dominatrix paraphernalia such as: g-strings, leather, huge boots, fish nets, whips, chains and so on and so forth. In the end she had only packed one conservative outfit that wasn't all that conservative. It was a Japanese schoolgirl outfit that was entirely too short.

Elli didn't hold back at all and started packing her bag with all sorts of useless junk so that her suitcase closely resembled a boulder and let's not even start with her carry-on. Her reasoning being, she said was "Just in case we end up in Tokyo in an abandoned shrine once owned by the former reincarnation of some Priestess named Kikyo, these seemingly useless and rather obtrusive objects will come in handy!"

Although when plastic gloves that make your hands sweaty after a while will ever become useful eludes me. Kristen thought Elli was being weird again.

"Elli, you need to stop with those oddly specific and out of this world explanations . . . I know you have an overstuffed backpack fetish. JEEZ!"

She finished packing all of her sex toys and alcohol products and order coach tickets, even though they had a shitload of money from robbing the bank. (Not only is she an asian wannabe she is also extremely stupid and lacks observational skills.)

So now it was time to go to the airport. But like we said, they lacked observational skills so instead of ordering a cab or some such, they hitchhiked. Yep, they hitchhiked. Thus follows a rather long and exciting story, which resulted in the loss of virginities, scarecrows that come to life and the use of those sweat inducing plastic gloves. In the end Kristen and Elli still managed to reach their flight and secure their seats on the plane to Japan (for the sake of a great time in Japan their virginities will soon return.)

The plane ride was extremely long so in the reader's best interest we shall not waste your time with the details. Anyways, they landed in Okinawa (even though they wanted to go to Tokyo . . . for all of you who are previously asking: could they possibly be even more idiotic, the answer is: YES, YOU MORON!) And promptly went to a bar called "American People Go Here" and got drunk again. Then they caught a ferry ride to Tokyo.

Thus began a very long and dull ferry ride where our protagonists had no extracurricular activities but watching a hamster run on its wheel. They were making the hamster run so much that the hamster died of malnutrition and exhaustion. That and poking the thing didn't help either.

Suddenly, Elli screamed, "LAND HO, MATEYS!" As the sight of Tokyo harbor came into view.

Kristen excitedly jumped onto the railing (Tidus copycat) and stuck her chest out. "AYE, ME HEARTY WE BE HERE!"

She got light headed from holding in air and fainted, falling backwards onto the deck, leaving poor Elli to lug everything off of the boat herself.

So, Elli ended up lugging the, um, luggage out. Kristen crawled after, laughing derisively because she got out of carrying her crap. Kristen marched ahead of Elli, happily and Elli was almost collapsing from exhaustion when they saw a shrine appear as if from nowhere.

Elli exclaimed in an oddly specific manner, " Look Ren . . . Chun Li! It's the abandoned shrine once owned the reincarnation of some priestess named Kikyo where my seemingly useless junk will come in handy!"

Then she gave her suitcase a hearty pat which then caused all of her bag(s) and Ren-Chun-Li's bags to collapse in a dramatic way but being dressed up as Sakura Kinomoto from CCS managed to escape in a sexy and risqué outfit. (Hey it's Japan anything can happen).

Kristen suddenly appeared in her schoolgirl outfit.

"Wow . . . drafty . . . Elli? What kind of an outfit is that?!"

Without waiting for an answer she spun around making her skirt fly up. When she realized her panties were showing she screeched to a stop and screamed. When she regained her composure, she turned to Elli and said: "Thank Buddha (this is starting to get on my nerves) that there wasn't some lecherous, con man monk here to see my panties!" (Yet another oddly specific explanation)

Kristen then grabbed her bags and walked into the shrine. She looked around noticing that the house was fully stocked with food and clothes and such.

"Wow Elli, its like someone was waiting for us to come here . . . Maybe its fate! Maybe we'll find some hot guys that are . . . sexy!"

Kristen could feel Elli's eyes upon her looking at her strangely. She looked over and saw some stairs. Slowly, Kristen descended them and came upon a small, squarish shaped well. A sign significantly placed against the well caught her eye. It read: "The Bone Eater's Well" and following that, a short story on the legend of the well. Kristen did not waste her time reading that.

After all, she thought, When would a stupid legend ever come in handy?

"Hey Elli! Check out this . . . bone biter? Bone screwer? Um whatever just check out this well!"

Elli was stuffing her face with sushi and trying to ignore her, when Kristen grabbed her by the hair and dragged her, along with the bag, down to the well. (Now we see why the dominatrix paraphernalia was significant.)

"You know what? It hurts my feelings when you pay more attention to sushi than me!" Kristen said as she dropped Elli to the floor.

"Well, it hurts me when you pull me by my hair." Elli said as she got up, rubbing her injured butt (taking Miroku's day job I see).

Kristen turned away and stared at the well. She felt the sudden urge to jump down and see what was in there. Before she knew it she was sitting on the edge of the well, about to jump in.