InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Inuyasha the puppy MST'd ❯ Into the woods ( Chapter 2 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
Inuyasha: the feudal fairy tales
(It's special `cause it has an “s”)
Little Red Kagome
Once upon a time,
Shippo: gee what a surprise.
in a time apart from ours,
Kagome: no duh! This is an “Inuyasha” fic, after all!
a little girl lived with her mother and father in a small farming village. Her father was a former monk and her mother a former demon exterminator.
Kagome: they're my parents?! Talk about `Today on Jerry Springer….'
Miroku: Sango…shall we start on giving Kagome a few brothers and sisters?
Kagome: (as little Red) ewww! Nobody wants to think about their parents doing That….
But now they were rice farmers, having settled down with their lovely daughter Kagome. However, they were unable to convince the mother of the demon exterminator to leave her hut in the woods and live with the farming village. So, the demon slayer, Sango
Sango: as if there are any other slayers in this show…
Kagome: (as Buffy) I auditioned! I really did!)
would send Kagome out every week to
Sango: look for jewel shards.
Kagome: go shopping!
Miroku: supplement the family's income with some good old fashioned prostitution.
Kagome: (as Jerry Springer) today we examine perverted priests and their slutty kids…
check on Kagome's dear grandmother, to see if anything was wrong, or needed fixing, and to take some food out to her as well.
Kouga: (as Kagome) here ya go gram, some bread. But it's really poisoned! Die you old hag so I can inherit your territory!! Mwa-ha-ha-ha!
Inuyasha: anyone else get the impression that wolfie here is a hit at family reunions?
Whenever Kagome went out on this journey, she would wear a red coat that was very special.
Miroku: it's the special uniform for hookers in training.
Shippo: do I want to know how you know that?
Miroku: no. It'll ruin your delicate sensibilities.
Sango: as if you haven't already?
It was made of fur from fire rats and was fireproof, waterproof and knife-proof.
Kagome: it slices, it dices! It makes Julianne fries!
So as she passed the other villagers on her way through the woods, they would call to her and say
Miroku: …. whooo! Bear my children!
Kouga: …shake it, don't break it, red!
Inuyasha: I'll show you two something breaking….>knuckles crack<
“There goes Little Red Kagome with a basket of goodies for her grandmother.”
Kagome: why does it sound like I'm part of a drug trafficing ring?
Now there was a friendly (if hotheaded and short-tempered) woodcutter's son who would play
Miroku: >snicker< …he would pay to play…
with Kagome as they were growing up. At age thirteen he became a woodcutter himself. When Kagome would go into the woods, he would go too, to silently
Miroku: enjoy a good roll in the hay.
Kagome: well at least we're quiet about it Miroku-sama!
Sango: Houshi, I told you we needed to go farther away from the village, when we, you know…
watch over her while all the while pretending he wasn't.
Inuyasha: I do not!
Sango: behold the power of denial…
He was an excellent tree-climber
Shippo: first he climbs them, them he cuts them down, that makes lots of sense.
Kouga: it doesn't have to make sense. It's inu-koro, after all.
and he could follow her from the trees and make sure she got to her grandmother's and back safely. When this story begins, both are fifteen.
This boy's name was Inuyasha, because he was a hanyou of dog demon and human.
Miroku: …and that meant that he and Kagome preferred doggy-sty->sounds of choking<
Kouga: as if Kagome would let him take her like tha-
Inuyasha: I got more than one hand wolfie! I'll be more than happy to let it make friends with your throat.
Sango: what shock, what surprise! Inuyasha is in the fic intitled Inuyasha fairy tales!
Miroku: and as the romantic lead.
Kagome: In the real story the woodcutter is an adult, and red riding hood is ten.
All: @.@ ewww…
Miroku: you live in very strange times Kagome.
Now the time came when Kagome had to go see
Sango: …the doctor. “I think I'm carrying the child of a half-demon, could that have any negative effects on my health?”
Kagome: …her Mafia bosses. “I swear, the cops were on my tail, I had to ditch the basket of goods!”
Inuyasha: …her tests people. “I just wanted to tell you, I'm never coming back. I'm staying were I belong from now on.” >thinks a moment, then adds< “fuck off.”
Miroku: wishful thinking perhaps?
Inuyasha: and you can fuck off too.
her grandmother again, but she forgot to mention to Inuyasha that she was going, so he overslept
Miroku: …which was highly understandable, because he'd been extremely…BUSY all that last night, and was feeling…EXHAUSTED.
and she ended up going alone. Of course, most of this time she thought she'd been alone all along, but this was the first time when she was ACTUALLY alone.
Kagome: >sarcastically< thanks for clearing that up.
And the wolf demon of the forest knew this too.
Inuyasha: why is the wimpy wolf in MY forest!?
Kouga: because you're boring. Next question.
The wolf demon's name was Kouga, which means
Inuyasha: … “dumbass”
Miroku: … “he-who-drools”
Sango: … “needs-to-bathe.”
Kouga: hey! I bathe once a week!
All: >edging nervously away from him<
“steel fang”. He was very fast and very cunning. He was also rather handsome.
Inuyasha: are you sure this is Kouga we're talking about here?
He didn't like Inuyasha's family because he was prejudiced against dog demons, and secretly was afraid of them.
Kouga: am not!
Inuyasha: are too!
Kouga: am not!
Miroku: now, children…
He didn't want anyone to find out that he was afraid,
Kouga: damn straight! I mean…am not!
So he liked to harass the family at a distance with tricks,
Shippo: hey! That's my job!
But this day he didn't smell the woodcutting family
Kouga: which was a miracle in itself especially in inu-koro's case…
so he thought it safe to hunt in the forest openly.
Miroku: openly? So he's come out of the closet then?
Inuyasha: whoa wolf! I thought you were a little too chummy with those henchmen of yours…
Kagome: closet? Where does it mention a closet?
And besides, there was the scent of little girl in the air that he just couldn't resist.
Inuyasha: whoa, first guys and now little girls? You've sunk to new lows wolf.
Kouga: dumbass! It's talking about MY woman! Not the people in your little fantasies.
When the Kouga-wolf saw her, he decided that she was very beautiful and instead of eating her right away, went up to talk with her.
Kagome: how noble. Getting to know your food before you eat it.
Little Red Kagome whirled around, startled.
Kagome:…“it is I, the ghost of Christmas past!”
Sango: Kagome-chan? You know half the things you say don't make sense.
Shippo: that's ok, all the things Inuyasha says don't make sense.
There was a chuckle from the bushes. Kouga stepped out onto the path.
Inuyasha: see?! We're not the only ones who use the woods…
“Hello Little Red.” He smiled. “Where ya going with all that food?”
Kagome checked him over.
Kouga: damn right she checked me out.
Inuyasha: she was probably wondering how something that smelled that bad could still be alive.
He was wearing fur pelts and armor. His shiny black hair was in a topknot and his unruly bangs spilled over a headband made of fur. Kagome couldn't put her finger on it, but there was something wrong. Then she realized it. His turquoise eyes didn't have pupils! How odd!
Sango: >looking< hey, she's right!
Kouga: I do so have pupils! They're just really small…
Inuyasha: like other things I could mention…
She answered hesitantly.
“I'm taking these groceries to my Granny in the hut in the middle of the woods.” Kouga smiled.
“That's so nice of you. Pretty and thoughtful, what a girl.” He said flatteringly.
Sango: is that even a word?
Kagome smiled. “He may be a little odd looking, but he sure is nice.” She thought.
“Why don't you let me carry that heavy basket for you? Sweet thing like you should have to do heavy lifting like that.” He offered, smiling.
Kagome: he must owe me money or something, to flatter me like that.
Miroku: Kagome, surely you don't think that all males who merely have the sense to appreciate beauty are deceiving you?
Kagome: case in point…
Kagome looked worried.
Sango: (as Kagome) maybe if I just back away slowly…
“I better not, I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.”
All: no duh! There's a reason for that!
Kouga: but I'm a nice guy!
Miroku: do tell.
While all this was going on, the woodcutter boy, Inuyasha, had woken up and gone off to Kagome's house. He didn't realize he had overslept.
AN: the authoress must excuse herself for a second, the Anime music video to Avril lavine's “Sk8er boi” is on and I must submit the appropriate cheering quota. Go Avril! Down with Kikyo!
He knocked on the door. “Where is Kagome?” he asked Miroku, her father.
Sango: yes, I believe we have established this. Miroku plays the part of Kagome's father…
Miroku:>narrating<…the handsome monk was at first annoyed, as he and the mother had just been completing the sacred act of repopulating the species…
Sango: if you don't stop narrating I'll personally make that humanity is doomed.
“She left already to take some supplies to her grandmother. If you hurry you can catch up to her.” Miroku said.
Inuyasha: since when can't I catch up to a bitc-
AN: the authoress must again excuse herself as the “Don Fluffy” music video, a Sesshomaru tribute, is playing and I must pay my respects to his bishieness with a sacrifice of drool. Mmmmm…fluffy…
All: intermission! >all run out, loading up on snacks. A lone toilet is heard flushing.<
Inuyasha walked away calmly until he was out of Miroku's sight. Then he raced foreword into the woods.
Shippo: so he doesn't want people to know he likes her, we get it already!
Miroku: too bad Inuyasha doesn't.
He smelled wolf in the air and was worried.
Meanwhile, back in the woods….
Miroku: oh the possibilities.
“Well, here, I'm Kouga. And you are….?”
“Kagome” she answered automatically.
“See? Now we're not strangers.”
Kagome saw the logic in this.
Shippo: logic? There's logic in this?
Kouga continued, “Now, which way?” Kagome pointed. Kouga smirled to himself.
Kouga: >smirling< yeah, smiling and smirking at the same time.
Kagome: Kouga must have a flexible mouth to be able to do that.
Miroku: you have no idea the material you've just provided us with…
Kouga: flexible mouth? Kagome, baby, you don't know the half of it. >smirl<
“I can just taste her now. I'll eat the Granny as hors' devours and Little Miss Red here as the tender main course. Now, I just gotta distract her….”
Suddenly Kouga's distraction came, but not like he expected. “Shit.” He thought. “I smell that damn dog. I'll tell Red here that I smell some wild demon and I'll go and drive him away from her.”
“Oi! Kagome!” he yelled, starting to run. “I smell some bad demon in the forest, I'll go chase him off and meet you at the hut ok?”
Kagome: I'm not that stupid!
All else: >looks elsewhere<
“What!?” yelled Kagome back. “Wait! My basket! Arrrrrgggg! I shoulda known!” she slumped to the ground. “Well, “ she said, eyeing some herbs and mushrooms near a peach tree burdened with fruit, “Maybe I could do something else instead…”
Inuyasha: yeah, like turn around, go home, and leave the old hag to her own stupidity.
Sango; Kagome-chan, I din't know you were knowledgeable about edible plant life.
Kagome: >sweatdrop< actually, Kaede was sick for a week after that scene…
Inuyasha: wait, the grandmother hag is supposed to be Kaede?
Shippo: wow. Welcome to the program Inuyasha.
Miroku: Kagome's parents were making hot passionate love when…
Sango: >wielding her boomerang< Houshi-sama…
Miroku: OW! >Smirking< my Sango knows I like it rough…
All: @.@ >.<
“I could smell your stink a mile away dog-turd.” Kouga taunted
“What are you doing in MY forest.” Inuyasha bristled.
Kouga: (as himself) can't guy take a whiz in private?
Inuyasha: as if I'd want to watch!
Kouga: you know you…>sees Inuyasha take out the Tetsusaiga< …never mind.
“None of your business.”
Inuyasha noticed the basket. “Where do you think you're going with that basket of food?”
Kouga smirked. “I'm going and visiting my poor ol' Granny in the woods” he said with a fake high trill.
Inuyasha: I knew it! Proof positive of his-
Then he sped away laughing, leaving Inuyasha in his dust.
Inuyasha: damn Kouga, you might wanna rethink this whole `only-bathing-once-a-week' thing.
As Kouga ran, he started to notice the aroma of the contents of the basket. His curiosity got the better of him and stopped to rummage. He pulled out all sorts of things he'd never seen before: long noodles in chicken broth, a sweet smelling block of dark material that he decided immediately that he had to sample…and a tube full of hot water. When Kouga popped the lid off the canister of water, he slopped a lot of the water into the open packages of noodle. He sniffed at it. Then tasted the new combination. The before he knew it, he had finished off the first cup of noodles and poured more water into the second.
Inuyasha: NOOOO! THE RAMEN! OH THE HUMANITY!
Miroku: or, in this case, “oh the demonity.”
He caught himself as the sun had started to set.
Shippo: that must be hard to do, catching yourself.
“Crap.” He said to himself. “I need to get on with my plan!”
He ran at full speed to grandmother's house, busting the door open. He was about to eat her when he smelled Kagome coming, not too far away from the hut. Cursing, he knocked the old woman out and threw her in the closet, grabbing some of grandmother's clothes while he was in there.
Inuyasha: you know he's been wanting to do that for a long time…
Shippo: what? Shove Kaede in a closet?
Inuyasha: NO! >bops Shippo< wear her clothing-
He quickly put them on and lay in bed, pretending to be Granny.
“Young meat is better the less it struggles as it dies.” Kouga thought to himself, mentally licking his chops. “It has less chance getting bruised or dirty. That's why every wolf knows trickery is the best policy when catching young prey."
Shippo: is this true?
Kouga: not quite. You see, what you really want to do is let them run around a while, get their adrenaline up and…
Kagome opened the door and poked her head in.
Kouga: didn't I just break down that door…?
Miroku: just wait, it gets better…
“Granny?” she ventured. She came the rest of way into the hut, setting down the food she had gathered on the way.
Sango: don't eat the mushrooms!
Inuyasha: no, wait, it's the wolf in there, we WANT him to eat the-
“I'm in here dear.” Kouga said in the highest pitch voice he could manage.
“Granny? Why is your voice so rough?” Kagome asked.
Kagome: I'm not that dumb!
“I've got a bit of a cold today, so I'm staying in bed if you don't mind dear.” He faked a few coughs.
She came a little closer. Kouga's head peeked out from the blankets, covered mostly by one of Granny's caps.
“What's with the hat Granny?” she asked.
Kagome: I said, I'm not THAT dumb!
“Err, like I said, I have a cold today and this hat keeps my head warm.”
“And…you have bigger eyes than I last remember.”
Kagome: hey! Doesn't anyone agree with me?
“Um…all the better to see you with my dear. Now come closer, I can barely hear you.”
She came closer. Kouga smiled.
“Your teeth look bigger as well, did you get a new set of false teeth?”
Kagome: c'mon guys, you don't really think I'm that stupid?
“They're all the better to eat you with, my dear!”
And Kouga hopped out of the bed, tearing the grandmotherly clothes off of him. Suddenly, then door blew off its hinges,
Sango: for the second time…
Shippo: it's the amazing reappearing door!
Kouga: like Inu-koro's robe!
and the Inu-woodcutter stormed in, whirling his mighty ax through the air. The wolf snarled and the two started a viscous battle right there in the hut.
Sango: I think it's supposed to be “vicious”.
Shippo: what's viscous?
Kagome:>reading from a large book< the slow moving state of a think liquid, such as syrup or molasses.
Kouga: I can see the puppy being viscous…
Inuyasha swung and swung and swung, Kouga dodging each attack by an inch.
Kagome: (as Kouga) here, batter, batter, batter!
Kouga: does she talk like this all the time?
Inuyasha: you get used to it.
Kagome had crawled into a corner, out of the way of the two canines.
Inuyasha: don't classify me with him!
Shippo: how do you think I feel? Foxes are canines too…
Kagome: no they're not. They're part of the family “vulpine”.
Inuyasha: do you pick up all this useless information at that test place?
Kagome: unfortunately, I can't say “no” to that one…
Finally, Inuyasha swung the ax at Kouga while he was on the bed. Kouga's clawed feet snagged on the blankets and Inuyasha chopped the wolf's tail in two.
Kougha: MY TAIL!!!
Sango: I wonder why Inuyasha doesn't have a tail?
Miroku: maybe demons can only have one aspect of their animal counterparts in their human form. Kouga has his tail, and Inuyasha has his ears.
Shippo: but what about me? I've got fox feet and a tail.
Kagome: the world may never know.
Snarling, Kouga ran out the door, kicking up dust clouds in his retreat.
Inuyasha went over to Kagome.
“You all right?” he said, helping her to her feet.
“Granny!” she remembered. “What happened to her?”
“That's' Kagome for you.” Inuyasha thought to himself. “Worrying about others first.”
Inuyahsa: GAH! All this mushy crap!
Suddenly, they heard a moan from the closet.
Miroku: (as sango) Houshi-sama! Don't moan so loudly, they'll hear!
Sango: >boink< Hentai!
Miroku: gomen ne, Sango.
Kagome and Inuyasha went into the closet where they found
Kagome: (as little red kagome) eww! Mom! Dad!
Inuyasha: …Sesshomaru, in drag, preparing for his night job as a bar hostess.
Shippo: …a secret passage way!
Sango:…rumiko takahashi, drawing the next manga in her studio.
All: >minds boggling while struggling to understand their new self-images as two-dimensional characters from the brain of the woman who thinks gender/species bending is quality entertainment. The moment passes and all wipe the experience from their minds, lest they self-destruct with unfathomable knowledge.<
Sango: I mean, a box. A big one.
grandmother unconscious on the floor. They dusted her off
Kaede: none too gently either!
Sango: does that mean Kaede is coming out of the closet too?
All: >gagging noises<
Miroku: even I think that is disturbing.
and laid her in bed and closed the door. They sat on the porch to wait for Granny to wake up.
“Maybe now Granny will be convinced to come and live in the village.” Kagome observed.
“Well, it doesn't matter.” Inuyasha smirked. “That wolf won't be coming back here for a long time.”
Kagome leaned against Inuyasha, placing her head on his shoulder. “Thank you Inuyasha.”
Inuyasha blushed, but wrapped an arm around her back. “feh. You could have avoided this whole mess if you'd have just waited for me to go to the forest with you.”
Inuyasha: all this MUSH! I can't stand it!
Kagome: I think it's cute.
Inuyasha: >blink blink<
“Huh? You don't usually go with me…wait! You follow me into the woods!?”
Kagome: you stalker! SIT!
“Hey! If I didn't, you'd be missing a couple hunks of flesh right now!”
Kouga: mmmm, hunks of flesh…>drool<
“Still, anyone else and that would be creepy. You stalk me!”
“Nooooo, I just watch out for you, there's a difference dumbass!”
“Dumbass! You…watch out for me?” she said, changing her tone mid yell.
“Well I …sorta.” Inuyasha admitted.
“Awww” Kagome said, and kissed him on the cheek.
Shippo: ewww gross!
Miroku: Shippo, I think it's time we had a little talk…
“Holy crap! What happened to my door?”
Sango: I thought it was a magic regenerating door…
Kagome: apparently the warranty ran out…
Inuyasha and Kouga: err…
Kagome: since when does Kaede-baba say “Holy crap”?
Shippo: and since when is crap holy?
Zab the manga artist: so what did we learn today kids?:
Kagome: don't talk to strangers.
Sango: don't eat the magic mushrooms.
Miroku: don't make love in the woods. You might get poison ivy in unmentionable places…
Inuyasha: I like big swords and I cannot lie…all you other brothers can't deny…
Kagome: I think the cute stuff at the end made his brain fry.
Miroku: Inuyasha doesn't seem the time to handle emotion very well does he?
Shippo: >coming back from his `talk' with Miroku.< I learned that the world is a very scary place. @.@
Sango: Houshi! What did you do to him?
Zab the manga artist: I learned that I'm not nearly as good at this without Danielle of the French pointy stick and Erin the treble. Come back from vacation already!!!!
Erin the treble: (from Costa Rica) lalalalalalala we're here in the tropics! Lalalalalalala our brains have fried in the sun!
Danielle of the French pointy stick: it's break. It's cold out. How good did you think your odds were of me going away from my warm comfy bed to tell Miroku what to say?
Zab the manga artist: sayonara everybody!